Chapter Text
Bob liked the training room.
It was huge and spacious and though he wasn’t too fond of the floor to ceiling mirror wall, if he turned his back to it, he got a beautiful view of New York.
Sleeping was always something he struggled with. Sometimes on particularly bad nights as a kid, his dad would come into his room drunk, finding some reason to wake Bob up with a punch or slap.
So, he’d grown used to either not sleeping at all, or constantly being alert, even when resting. Which just meant that any small sound could wake him up.
Not to mention, he’d been plagued with nightmares for as long as he could remember, whether it be horrible monsters attacking him from the shadows of his room, or something a little bit more real, a little more like his every day life.
Those ones were always scarier.
Sometimes it was just easier to go without sleep for a few nights, wait till he was so exhausted he could barely stand, then completely pass out for a few hours in a lovely, dreamless sleep.
Though, the others didn’t really like it when he did that.
It still surprised him sometimes that they genuinely seemed to care about him. His mind kept telling him to give them time, that they’ll change their minds once they get to know him better.
But as the months passed and none of them changed, he started listening to that voice a little less, only a little though.
Turns out all of them had trouble with sleep in their own ways.
Bucky and Yelena get pretty bad nightmares on occasion. Ava and John have trouble getting to sleep in general, and Alexei drank and ate so much that he’d fall asleep for so long it became unhealthy.
All of them had different tips and tricks for him to try. Bob liked Ava’s the most though.
A month ago, about four months after moving into the Tower, Ava had found him in the training room, looking out at the view. It was very early and both of them knew immediately that Bob hadn’t slept that night. Bob thought she’d get mad, that she’d yell at him for not sleeping. But she didn’t. Instead, she offered to show him what she did when she had trouble sleeping. He agreed.
So, Ava taught him how to meditate. He’d been a little surprised at first that meditation was a skill Ava was so good at.
“It’s something I was taught when I was little. Meditation helped me focus and relax, but it also helped me get control over my cells, stop them from breaking down and rebuilding themselves. It helped with the pain.”
Bob was shocked when she’d opened up that much to him. Ava had never been afraid to mention her past, but when it came to more intimate details, normally she’d just brush all of them off and change the topic.
He’d been honored that she was willing to share something so personal to her with him.
After that, meditating became apart of his routine too. Especially on hard nights.
Like this one.
He hadn’t been able to sleep the night before. He kept waking up from bad dreams that he was too scared to go back too.
And tonight, as exhausted as he felt, he couldn’t get his mind to shut up.
Every time he closed his eyes, images of the Void filled his head. Thoughts of just how easily he could hurt people. Thoughts of how quickly he lost control.
He hated thinking about the Void, but he also hated thinking about before that, when he was just Sentry.
He’d thrown his friends around like puppets while they were only trying to help him. While they were trying to protect him from Valentina.
He almost killed them, had he actually listened to her, and that wasn’t the Void, that was him.
So, he went down to the training room. It was his favorite place to meditate because of how quiet it was.
The view was always so peaceful to him too, not too distracting, and familiar, comforting.
That, and the whole floor was covered with a training mat that was squishy and made him feel like he was walking on a stress ball. Very comfortable to sit on.
Bob sat down, crossing his legs, he took one more look out the beautiful window before closing his eyes and breathing in deeply.
He let his shoulders relax and his hands fall onto his knees, just as Ava taught him.
He continued taking deep breaths and focused his mind on nicer things.
Like Yelena’s laugh, Bucky’s kindness, Ava’s jokes, John’s cooking, and Alexei’s bear hugs.
He was so lost in thought, so focused, he didn’t even notice the other person sleepily walking into the training room with him.
—
Bucky hadn’t slept in three days.
Yes, he knows that that’s hypocritical, especially since they’d all been badgering Bob about his own poor sleeping habits.
But it was different, Bob needed to sleep.
Bucky wasn’t the one who could turn into a scary black void that turned people into shadows and sent them to shame rooms.
When all of them moved into the Tower, Bucky quickly took on the role of the ‘New Avengers’ leader.
Though, sometimes that role felt more like being their parent. All of them had a lot of issues to work through, not just Bob.
Bucky worked in overdrive to constantly make sure every single one of them got the help they needed, when they needed it.
He purposefully put his room next to Yelena’s (Bob’s on the other side of hers, of course) so when she woke up from a nightmare, he could be the first knocking on her door to make sure she was okay.
He stocked the kitchen with tons of healthy alternatives to the cheap, crappy food Alexei often binged on when he was feeling bad about himself, and he tried to keep Alexei on a semi normal sleep schedule.
He made sure John always had something to cook when he needed a distraction, and contacted a family therapist so hopefully John could start seeing his kid again.
On hard days for Ava, when her body didn’t want to cooperate with her, he bought her several weighted blankets to help try and force her cells back into place, and nice headphones for while she meditated.
He also read a few books on how to ‘ground’ someone from the verge of a panic attack. Though he read that to help for Ava, he ended up using those tactics on all of them at least once.
It was nice though, all of them were struggling yeah, but at least they were all struggling together.
Ava struggled a lot with insomnia, so did John. But when John didn’t sleep, he either stared blankly out of the living room window, hung out with Bob, or went for a run.
But Ava, she either meditated, or worked out. He’d often run into her while in the training room and they’d end up sparring with each other. At first, he was worried about hurting her with his strength, but she had a talent for knowing when to phase away right before his punch landed.
He was hoping tonight she’d be there, he could really go for a good fight right now.
Before everything that happened, he’d actually stopped having nightmares.
Talking with Sam regularly helped him a lot, he became Bucky’s anchor of sorts. He never got upset when Bucky called him late at night, or asked him to meet up, or when he’d show up at his place because he couldn’t sleep alone. Just knowing Sam would be there was enough for him to heal.
But after everything, the void affected him more than he wanted to admit, the nightmares returned. And Sam? Sam and him didn’t really get along right now, not with the whole ‘New Avengers’ thing. So, Bucky stuck to handling his bad nights alone.
He walked sluggishly to the training room after another pointless attempt at sleeping.
He felt antsy, ready to fight, but his eyes were so tired, he let muscle memory take him most of the way.
When he got there, the lights were off, which meant Ava wasn’t there.
‘Great.’ Bucky thought to himself sarcastically.
Guess he won’t get that sparring match.
He didn’t leave though, the training room had a great view and he still wanted to hit something.
As he walked farther into the room, he noticed that it seemed to be getting darker. A lot darker. Way darker than it was supposed to be.
Something was wrong.
Bucky walked deeper into the room, as his eyes adjusted to the lack of light, he made out a figure sitting on the floor.
“Bob?” He questioned. No answer.
He blinked the last bit of sleep out of his eyes, trying to focus, it was definitely Bob. Though he seemed distracted.
Bucky recognized the way he was sitting as what Ava had taught him to do to meditate.
It didn’t look like he was very relaxed though. Bucky could see his facial expressions scrunching up every now and then, like he was in pain.
“Bob? Are you okay?” He asked, louder this time, still no answer.
Bucky took a few cautious steps closer. The room continued to dim, Bucky looked down and noticed Bobs feet were all black.
Shit.
“Bob!” He said as loud as he could without shouting, he needed to get Bob out of his head. Whatever he was thinking about was bringing the Void back.
Bob had been doing so good, learning how to express and regulate his emotions in a healthy way. Learning to take care of himself and actually see his own worth. He was even just starting to believe them when they said they cared about him.
He hadn’t had an incident since the initial one and Bucky knew if he did, it’d set Bob back on all of the progress he’d made.
Bob still didn’t answer him. Bucky could feel the ground shaking ever so slightly. As carefully as he could, Bucky walked in front of Bob, kneeling down so he was sitting across from him,
“Hey, it’s me, Bob, it’s Bucky. You need to focus on my voice, it’s okay.” He took Bob’s shoulders in both of his hands, trying to ground him back to reality.
“Bob, it’s time to wake up now, come on you can do it.” He spoke softly but firmly.
Bucky knew Bob still had trouble with male authority figures, especially in whatever state he was in right now. Yelling would only make it worse. He needed to tread carefully.
Bucky noticed both of Bobs hands were digging painfully into his knees, so, he moved his own hands down to take them.
He held both of Bob’s hands in his, letting Bob squeeze them as tightly as he needed.
“It’s okay Bob. You’re safe, I promise.”
Slowly, the world around them got a little lighter. The darkness enveloping his feet and legs dissipated, the pained expression on his face smoothed away.
He opened his eyes slowly, “Bucky?” He said, confused.
Bucky exhaled, letting himself breathe a sigh of relief, “Yeah it’s me buddy.”
Bob’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion and Bucky’s heart ached slightly;
Bob reminded Bucky so much of Steve before the serum, it hurt sometimes.
“What are you doing here?” He asked, completely oblivious to what had just happened. And to what had almost just happened.
Bucky sighed, “Just- came down here to work out for a bit. You okay?”
Bob nodded absently before his face scrunched up in confusion again, processing his words, “Yeah I’m okay, why wouldn’t I be?”
He looked down at his hands, Bucky was still holding them, Bob seemed to realize then what happened.
“Oh no-“ A look of fear and horror crossed over his face.
“Bob it’s okay-“ Bucky began, trying to hold Bobs hands in place, he had a bit of a habit of hurting himself after close calls like this.
But Bob only shook his head, pulling his hands away with more force than Bucky was ready for. Usually Bob tried not to use his new enhanced ‘Sentry’ strength, but he seemed too out of focus to notice.
“No no no- I’m sorry- oh god I’m so sorry-“ He pushed himself away from Bucky, as if scared to be near anybody.
“Bob it’s okay, you didn’t do anything I promise-“ Bucky started, sometimes, the after effects of a close call were worse than the close call itself. Bob always felt so scared afterwards.
“Bob please calm down it’s okay.”
“No! No it’s not okay! I could’ve hurt you, I- I almost hurt everyone! All over again!”
It was clear to Bucky that this was something that Bob had been thinking about for a while now, letting his emotions simmer until the boiled over. This was just the final nail in the coffin.
“Bob-“ None of Bucky’s words seemed to fully register to him though. Bob pushed himself away until he had his back to the wall, curling in on himself.
Bucky hesitated, he considered calling Yelena, she could usually get through to Bob when no one else could.
He pulled out his phone, about to call her when Bob closed one of his hands into a fist and started hitting the side of his head.
“Crap-“ Bucky dropped his phone and rushed over,
“Bob don’t-“ He tried to grab Bob’s hands but it didn’t stop him. He screwed his eyes shut and kept hitting.
“Bob stop please!” Bob kept trying to push him away, he wasn’t paying attention or watching what he was doing.
Which is why, when he accidentally backhanded Bucky across the face, hard, sending him flying to the side, Bob wasn’t even sure how to react.
Hitting Bucky seemed to break him out of his spiral, but only to put him in a new ‘guilt-ridden’ panic.
“Oh my god, oh no- I’m sorry! Are you okay?? I- I’m so sorry!” He stammered out, moving over to Bucky, he hovered his hand over his shoulder but stopped, unsure of what to do.
Bob wasn’t sure how hard he hit him, he was still getting used to his strength.
When Bucky didn’t reply, just stared blankly, blinking slowly, Bob got scared he’d given the man a concussion, or worse.
The thoughts about nearly killing his friends returned, making Bob’s heartbeat accelerate.
“Bucky please answer- oh my god I’m such an idiot I’m so sorry-“
With only a little bit of hesitation, he grabbed Bucky’s nonmetal hand to try and get his attention.
Almost immediately, he felt the world around the two of them disappear.
“Oh no-“ Bob said aloud, knowing what was happening.
“No not again-“ he didn’t want to go back to his shame rooms.
Back into the void-
he couldn’t-
Bob squeezed his eyes shut, covering his head with his hands, maybe if he could make himself smaller, hide himself away, maybe he wouldn’t open his eyes to find himself back into his childhood home.
But after a few moments, when he didn’t hear his father’s angry voice and instead began to feel cold, he opened his eyes and realized, he was in a place he’d never seen before.
❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎
Bob looked around, confused. He was surrounded by snowy woods.
The sky was full of clouds. Everything was covered in several thick layers of snow, making crunching sounds as he walked.
The pine trees around him bristled in the cold wind, making Bobs instinctively wrap his arms around himself.
A loud horn sounded above him, making Bob flinch. He looked up, at the huge mountain in front of him and managed to make out a train whizzing by.
“Huh…” He turned to the side when he thought he saw movement out of the corner of his eye, “This isn’t my memory…”
He walked towards where he thought he saw the movement and gasped ever so slightly when he discovered the cause.
“B-Bucky?”
In front of him, was Bucky. But not the Bucky he knew. The Bucky lying in the snow before him looked slightly younger. He had short hair and was wearing a dark blue uniform, though, he couldn’t make out many details with the snow already slowly covering him in a thin layer of dusty powder.
The most noticeable thing however, was his left side. Where Bucky shiny vibranium arm usually was, was instead, a bloody mess. His arm, was torn apart, his hand up to nearly his shoulder was completely missing. Leaving a stump that was slowly oozing blood, staining the soft white snow red.
“It might be easier not to look.” Bob peeled his eyes away from the Bucky on the ground.
Bucky, his Bucky, was sitting on a stone that was protruding out of the ground, he was leaning forward, arms resting on his knees, his eyes were directed at the sight of his past self, but Bob knew that look, his mind was elsewhere.
“I think i’m gonna throw up.” Bob said, covering his mouth with the back of his hand.
Bucky motioned to a thick tree that was lying on its side, the bottom splintered and broken, next to him, “Sit, it’ll help.”
He did, practically falling over as he walked, trying not to step in the blood.
He looked away for a few more moments to make sure he wouldn’t actually throw up before looking back at Bucky, the one in the snow, “This- this is-“
“My shame room.” Bucky finished for him.
He spoke simply, he didn’t seem angry or upset that they were there. Just, resigned. Already accepting the unfortunate predicament they were in.
Before Bob could respond, he heard the sounds of footsteps coming towards them.
He tensed, unsure of what to expect, though Bucky didn’t even bother to look over, completely unsurprised.
Bob watched silently as three men walked over to the Bucky in the snow. All three of them were dressed in thick fur coats that had different badges on them. All of them carried guns slung over their shoulders.
They stopped when they saw him, looking at Bucky, then back at each other. They whispered to each other in what Bob guessed was Russian before two of the men walked on either side of Bucky and carefully picked him up, letting his feet drag in the snow.
Bob watched as Bucky’s glassy eyes fluttered open for a moment, he seemed completely out of it, glancing to his sides then up at the men pulling him away.
“S-Steve?” He mumbled, before drifting back into unconsciousness.
Bob watched as the men continued to drag Bucky away, leaving a dark crimson line in their wake.
He glanced over at his Bucky, who wasn’t watching, but was clearly paying attention. He closed his eyes and let out a defeated sounding sigh.
Then, the room reset. Suddenly, the bloody Bucky returned to his spot in the snow.
Bob wrung his hands together nervously, looking between both of the Buckys, unsure of what to say or do.
“I-“ But Bob was cut off by the sound of the train horn above them. Both he and his Bucky flinched.
“Train went by every few hours, it was the only thing I could make out while I was laying in the snow,” Bucky said softly, feeling Bob’s eyes on him,
“I’ve grown to hate that sound.”
Bob swallowed the lump in his throat. He couldn’t imagine waking up like this, after falling from that height,
“Who- who are those men?” He asked, right as the three men returned.
“Low ranking Hydra soldiers. Sent out to recover any machinery or weapons that fell off the train during our ambush.”
Bucky watched them carry his last self away, “They found me instead.”
“S-Steve?” His past self asked again. Bob watched Bucky’s vibranium hand curl into a fist.
“I- I thought Steve would come for me. Try and find me.” Bucky admitted, he sounded slightly embarrassed,
“He didn’t.” He finished, sounding regretful, he seemed more angry at himself than anyone else.
Bob looked back at the scene before him, already reset again. “I knew you lost your arm after falling off the train but- I didn’t think- I didn’t know you were…”
“Conscious?” Bucky supplied. Bob nodded.
Bucky shrugged, “I was too out of it feel any pain. That, and I was too cold. The cold was the worst part, especially when it got dark.”
Bob looked over at Bucky, confused, “Dark?”
Bucky nodded, “I was here over night. The soldiers didn’t find me until the next morning,”
He let out a laugh, though it lacked humor “They said I was lucky, the below freezing temperatures that night were actually what stopped my arm from bleeding out at a normal rate. They said that’s what kept me alive. That I would’ve died if it was only a few degrees warmer, even with the enhancements I already had.”
Bob thought about all of the things he knew about Hydra. About the Winter Soldier. He knew Bucky didn’t have a choice in any of it.
‘Luck’ wasn’t a word he’d use to describe that.
“I’m- I’m sorry, Bucky.” Bob said quietly.
He was talking about more than just what happened to him in the past. He was talking about the shame room. The void.
Bucky shook his head, “Don’t feel bad. I saw this one last time we were here. It’s-“ he hesitated for a moment,
“It’s the quietest one.”
Bob sucked in his breath, wringing his hands together and bouncing his knee, he didn’t like thinking about what his friends could’ve seen while they were in here. The idea that this, was the nicest of Bucky’s shame rooms made him feel queasy.
He realized then just how little he actually knew about Bucky, and his past.
Bucky was quiet for another moment, before he stood up suddenly, “We should figure out how to get out of here. Make sure this isn’t like last time.”
He was referring to the entirety of New York turning into shadows.
Bob cringed a little, “I agree on the ‘getting out’ part, but, I don’t think this is like last time.”
Bucky’s gaze moved to him, “Why do you say that?”
Bob looked around, jumping at the sound of the train horn again, “Well, last time this happened, I woke up in my own shame room. Not someone else’s. And, stuff similar to this has happened before,”
He thought back to the underground bunker, when him in Yelena touched hands and they were temporarily teleported to their shame room together,
“I’ve been in other’s rooms before, I’ve been sent inside the void with them. It happened to me and Yelena when we first met. The- uh- the Void didn’t show up when that happened.”
It was the name they’d all begun calling it, ‘The Void’, Bob couldn’t think of a more accurate name, he just hated talking about it.
“Okay, well what happened? How’d you guys get out of it?” Bucky asked, pulling him out of his thoughts.
Bob shrugged, “We were knocked out from an explosion after Valentina tried to kill all of us. We got out by simply, waking up?” He answered hesitantly. He honestly hadn’t thought about it too much until right then.
Bucky crossed his arms, he looked deep in thought, “Well neither of us were unconscious when we got here.”
They were both quiet for a moment. The only sounds between them were the soldiers, the train horn, and past Bucky’s sad, quiet voice saying, “S-Steve?”
Bob had an idea suddenly, though he hated it, “We could- we could try and get out the way we got out last time?”
Bucky looked over at him, his brow was scrunched together confused before a look of realization crossed over his face, “By going to the worst one.”
Bob nodded, “I don’t know if it’ll work but, I mean, it worked for me.”
Barely. If it wasn’t for all of them by his side, he would’ve been completely overtaken by the Void.
Bucky took a deep breath, “Well, it’s the only decent idea we have right now,” he began walking, Bob quickly stood up to follow.
“Only problem is I don’t have any control over what room we go to next.” Bucky continued, he stopped in front of a large tree stump, the center was completely rotted away, leaving a black, seemingly bottomless abyss.
“So, we’re just gonna have to keep going through the rooms until we find it?” Bob asked.
Bucky hoisted himself up and stood carefully at the edge of the stump, he turned, holding out his hand to help Bob do the same.
“Seems like it.” Bucky responded as he pulled Bob up beside him, stopping him from falling backwards,
“Let’s just try and get through them quickly.” He continued, not sounding too happy about the situation. Not that Bob could blame him.
Bucky looked down at the dark abyss, pushing his foot forward ever so slightly,
Bob looked between him and then the stump, “Wait- this isn’t how we get to the next one is it??”
Bucky nodded, “Yeah, it is.”
Bobs grip on Bucky’s hand tightened, “I don’t really like heights.”
Bucky let out a small smile, “Neither do I.”
With that, he jumped into the abyss, pulling Bob with him.