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He found us in the streets of Belgium. Our presence was like a beacon to others of our kind when we made no effort to conceal our thoughts.
"Lestat," I greated him. He stepped from the shadows, blonde and tall as ever, blue eyes appearing almost violet under the streetlights.
"Armand." His eyes darted over to Benji and then back to me. And then he laughed his unhinged, annoying laugh. "Really, after all your talk about not making any more vampires, after Daniel?!"
"He’s not mine," I hissed, wincing at the mention of Daniel. "He was made like you made Louis, by giving him a choice that he wasn’t fully able to understand."
Lestat gave a disapproving click of his tongue before slowly circling Benji. Eventually, he dropped to his knees, bringing their heads to the same level. Then he lifted his hand to rest its back against Benji’s cheek. "And you are?"
"Not yours to touch!" Benji gave his hand a hearty slap.
Lestat chuckled, pulling back his hand. "Oh, I like him already – are you sure he isn’t yours?"
I sighed. "Lestat, this is Benji. Benji, this is Lestat."
Lestat still stared at him in that intense, unnerving way, but Benji stared right back, looking completely unimpressed.
"I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone this young, not since I made Claudia."
Cold fear gripped my heart at the mention of Claudia. I tried not to let it show.
Lestat flashed me a bright smile. "Relax, Armand, bygones are bygones. I would never harm this one that appears to be yours yet isn’t. Tell me, how did you meet Armand?" He directed his question at Benji.
Benji’s eyes flickered towards me and I gave him a brief nod. I could have just talked to Benji with my mind, but I wanted Lestat to notice the gesture.
"I prayed for an angel, and he appeared."
I could feel Lestat trying to glimpse into Benji’s mind to get more details, but eventually, he just grinned. "Yes, of course you’d think of him as a guardian angel, I mean, how could you not?"
He reached out and put two fingers under my chin, raising it so that I would meet his eyes. I stared back, bracing myself for the familiar little sting that would come when I’d gaze into those eyes that would only ever pass over me as if I didn’t exist, never noticing me in the way I wanted – and it didn’t come. To my own surprise, I realized that I was no longer looking to Lestat to accept me as his companion, to give me purpose.
Lestat let go of my chin and as it dropped back down, I felt absolutely nothing. I smiled. We started to walk the quiet streets.
After a while, we passed a chocolate factory and Benji stopped in front of the shop window to gaze at the artfully decorated delicacies, hands pressed against the glass.
"Oh my, he’s adorable," Lestat laughed, stopping to take in Benji. I stopped dead in my tracks. Adorable? I asked into his mind because I didn’t want Benji to hear. He was still too young to understand the tragedy of his own existence, and I wished to keep it that way, to at least grant him those few remaining years of blissful ignorance.
"Yes, it sure does bring back some fond memories," Lestat replied. My jaw dropped and I even forgot to give him an angry look for speaking out loud so Benji knew that I’d been trying to keep something from him. I was ready to give Lestat a heated speech on how there was absolutely nothing adorable about Benji’s situation, how violently Marius had broken my trust when I’d left Benji and Sybelle in his care, I wanted to ask him how it was even possible that watching Benji gaze at those chocolates that he’d be never able to taste would make him laugh instead of weep … and then I realized that my words would be wasted.
If Lestat hadn’t understood by now, not even after what he’d witnessed firsthand for the better half of a century, there was nothing in the world I could say to make him understand. I had never loved Claudia, not even felt sympathy for her, but watching Lestat stand there, laughing as he ruffled Benji’s dark curls like he was some little doll, made something click.
Trinity Gate, New York
I was drawing invisible patterns on the tablecloth as my eyes kept glancing at the clock. Ironically, I was even more nervous about Louis meeting Benji than I had been about Lestat, even though, unlike Lestat, he’d be absolutely no match for me in a fight.
Benji and I were both at the door before Louis had even gotten a chance to knock. He politely shook Benji’s hand as he introduced himself. I lead him inside and he continued to make small talk with Benji.
This one’s nice, much nicer than his maker, how come you were so nervous? Benji asked.
Yes, he is, I responded, leaving Benji’s actual question unanswered.
After a while, Benji asked if he was allowed to go play. I nodded and Benji slipped out the door to enjoy the distractions that the city had to offer. He knew that he wasn’t allowed to feed without me being there to make sure that he’d stop before the heart stopped and to be back at least two hours before sunrise. Of course there was some part of me that wanted to keep Benji at my side at all times, to make sure that he was safe, but knowing how close Benji’s personality was to my own, I knew that I’d only achieve the opposite by trying to lock him in a cage.
Without Benji sitting on the couch between us, the space between me and Louis suddenly seemed very big. Louis had fallen silent as soon as Benji had left the room. For a long time neither of us said anything as we each gathered our thoughts.
"If you had killed me all those years ago, I would have died without understanding the true extent of your loss, for which I was responsible," I said slowly. "Knowing that I have come to understand it now, do you-"
"You think you understand?" Louis cut me off, voice little more than a hollow whisper. "No, you don’t. You can’t, which I do not hold against you."
I waited patiently for Louis to elaborate, feeling like I was very young. And very stupid.
"Go on, raise your fledgling, Armand. Raise him, live with him for 65 years, fall in love with him. Read about how someone sewed his head on some other vampire’s body out of sick curiosity and then put it back before he was burned to death by the sun and then maybe, maybe you might come close to understanding my loss."
Another very long silence followed.
"I don’t know what to say," I finally confessed.
"Oh, yes, you do," Louis replied. "Go on, ask me the question that you wanted to ask all along. In fact, no, you don’t even have to. I’ll answer it anyways: No, I do not wish to harm either you or Benji, even if I could - because what would I achieve other than causing more pain?"
I winced. "You think this is why I summoned you here?"
"Yes. Do you deny it?"
"No."
"Good."
"But for what it’s worth, I also wanted to let you know that I understand your loss, which I apparently don’t, not yet, maybe never, and I deeply regret that it is that way – because if I did, I could at least offer you an apology." I didn’t know what I had expected, but when Louis stayed silent, I felt something roll down my cheek and knew that it was a crimson tear. More tears followed.
We just sat there and I read in Louis’ mind that he thought I looked even more like an angel when I was crying blood tears. There were no follow-up thoughts.
After a while I stopped crying and Louis got up to get himself a book from my library. As the night progressed, I went out to get dinner. I asked Louis if he wanted anyone, but he just shook his head.
Louis was still sitting in the same spot as before when I returned with a young man whom I had convinced that I’d be more gentle then a noose around the neck or a leap off the bridge. Now that he knew that the end was so close, he seemed liberated, smiling as he followed me into the bedroom. Louis gave us a quick nod before returning his attention to his book.
I had just sunk my teeth into the young man’s throat who had lied down on the bed, letting his hot, delicious blood fill my mouth, when the door was slowly being pushed open. I didn’t have to lift my head in order to know that it was Benji. The young man’s life was flowing into me, filling me with ecstasy as I knelt over him, one knee at each side.
Benji’s presence remained. I always let him eat right after waking up, usually gently (or sometimes not so gently if the situation required it) pulling back his head when the victim’s heart was about to stop.
Still hungry? I asked, sensing that Benji was practically staring holes into my back.
"Hmm," Benji hummed, and I could tell that he was trying really hard to keep his composure as he was watching me feed.
Okay, come here already.
With one swift leap Benji was next to me on the bed and a split second later his fangs were buried on the other side of the young man’s neck. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes!
I had never wanted him to understand the pleasure that came with drinking blood. It was grotesque and I wondered if this was what I looked like to Daniel and the others when I was feeding.
It was one thing watching an adult vampire do it, but this…
I’m sorry if seeing me like this upsets you, I can’t really help it.
I winced. I’m sorry, Benji, this was so unfair. It’s okay if you enjoy it. Please do, I do as well.
Benji drank gently, without scaring the young man, like I had taught him, like Marius had taught me all those centuries ago. We let ourselves get lost in the stream of memories that came with the blood.
Back when Daniel had still been mortal, he’d once asked me if drinking blood was like sex for vampires. I had replied that it doesn’t even come close, but hadn’t been able to offer him a better explanation. It is like biting into a piece of fresh bread when you’re on the verge of starving, like taking the first gulp from a cup of crystal clear water when you’re about to die from thirst, like experiencing the best and longest orgasm of your entire life, like seeing the light of God and being allowed to bask in his unconditional love. It’s like all of those things and more. And then, when the mix of all of those sensations has reached its peak – you have to break away. You can’t ever ride it out and enjoy the afterglow, you have to pull away unless you want to risk being dragged down into the abyss.
The young man’s pulse was becoming slower, the rise and fall of his chest barely visible, and I readied myself to pull both myself and Benji away from what would all too soon be nothing more than a cold corpse. However, as soon as I lifted my head, Benji did the same, immediately averting his eyes so that he wouldn’t be tempted to sink his teeth once more.
I gave him a perplexed look.
"Don’t look so surprised," Benji said, sticking out his tongue at me. "Soon you won’t have to watch me do this anymore, you’ll see."
I was feeling both proud and wistful as I realized how fast Benji was growing up, both as a vampire and as a mortal, but I reminded myself that I had never wanted a frozen child in the first place. I had wanted to watch him grow up and, in a certain sense, I was still able to do that.
When we emerged from the bedroom, Benji met Louis’ gaze and the blood that he’d just drunk immediately shot up into his cheeks.
"Relax, we’re all monsters here, there’s no need to feel shame," Louis said calmly and without passion. Benji swallowed, nodding slowly.
I, too, was feeling shame when I looked at Louis, however, it came from an entirely different place.
"You know, Benji, you’re very lucky that you have Armand. He loves you a lot. And, unlike my own maker, he’s good at … this." Louis made a gesture that included both me, Benji and the dead body in the bedroom.
I gave Louis a surprised look. Hearing him speak so fondly of me was … quite unexpected after the talk we’d had.
"And Lestat wasn’t?" Benji asked quietly.
A little smile appeared on Louis’ lips. "Oh, no. He was a terrible maker. He didn’t help me to stop drinking in time and when I couldn’t do it by myself, he called me an idiot and let me suffer the consequences."
Benji’s eyes widened. "But … you could have died from this, right?!"
Louis’ smile remained calm. "I could’ve. And Lestat would have been terribly sorry about it. Let’s just say that he isn’t good with young vampires, never was, not with me, not with Claudia."
"But … Armand said that you still love him. Do you?" Benji asked shyly.
For the first time, Louis’ smile turned warm. "Yes. Fortunately, Lestat is much better at being a companion than he is at being a maker."
Our talk continued for a little while until it was time to put Benji to coffin. Upon my return I discovered that Louis still hadn’t left. I took a deep breath, hoping my question wouldn't be too painful. "How many years do I have?"
"Excuse me?"
"Until Benji will realize that he will never be able to grow up, that he will come to understand Claudia’s tragedy and that he’s forced to share it?"
"Six? Ten? More if you’re lucky…"
I hung my head low.
"Armand?"
I slowly lifted my eyes to meet Louis’.
"Don’t mourn something that hasn’t even happened yet. And when it happens, be glad for the time he had. That you had. That’s how I survive."
"I wished for nothing more than to see him grow up. To live his life. A mortal life," I whispered, my voice breaking. My vision was starting to swim, becoming a red blur, and I could feel the tears threatening to spill from my eyes.
And then, to my surprise, Louis was at my side, pulling me into his arms. I hadn’t even noticed that he’d moved. But I don’t deserve this...
"We’re all evil, all damned. Who else would give us comfort if it's not given by each other?"