Work Text:
Wei Wuxian
hey! I’m looking for a roommate to share my 2-bed, 1-bath apartment in [neighborhood]. the lease is for 12 months starting Sept. 1, 2025. rent is $X,XXX plus utilities (typically around $XX each monthly). apartment has a washer/dryer, dishwasher, key fob access, etc. it’s about a 10min walk from the metro.
a little about me:
- 26 years old
- work from home as a programmer
- cook occasionally
- well-versed in many forms of combat
a little about you:
- must NOT under any circumstances have a pet dog or any canine visitors
- not a serial killer (at least not one who’s been caught—must be able to pass a standard background check)
- not a ghost who’s only here to take revenge on the living and then disappear into the ether before the lease is up
- able to pay rent
- willing to lie to unexpected visitors that I’m not home
photos are attached. if you’re interested in the room, message me to set up a tour (virtual or in person) or ask any questions. if you’re a bot, message me to steal my bank account info and discuss how you’re ruining society. if your surname is jin, there’s a good chance we have irreconcilable beef and there’s no need to message me. thanks!
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: Hello. I am interested in the room. Do you allow cats?
Wei Wuxian: hi! is your cat secretly a dog in disguise?
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: then yes cats are fine! do you want to set up a tour?
Lan Wangji: Yes, a virtual tour.
Wei Wuxian: ok cool. i can do anytime after 6 tonight or whenever this weekend
Lan Wangji: Tonight at 7 would work.
Wei Wuxian: alright sweet i’ll video call you then
Call log
Video call
13 minutes
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: Thank you for the tour. I am interested in applying.
Wei Wuxian: oh that’s sick bc you’re one of the only real people i’ve talked to and i’m running out of ways to mess with the scammers who keep messaging me
Lan Wangji: So I can apply?
Wei Wuxian: yep yep if you give me your email i’ll pass it along to the leasing office and they’ll send you the application
Lan Wangji: [email protected]
Wei Wuxian: ty! btw you can pass a background and credit check right?
Lan Wangji: Yes.
Wei Wuxian: ok perfect
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: damn what did you bribe or blackmail the leasing office with to get them to process your application that fast???
Lan Wangji: Excuse me?
Wei Wuxian: the last time i went through this process they took a month bc the person handling it went on vacation and then the lease expired and they continued to not process the application until i was on the brink of homelessness
Lan Wangji: I see.
Wei Wuxian: my point being that this is an unprecedented show of competence and good will! congrats on getting approved
Lan Wangji: The move-in date is September 1?
Wei Wuxian: yes indeed. the leasing office should give you more info on that and when you can pick up your keys
Lan Wangji: OK.
Wei Wuxian: i’ll see you sept 1 then i guess lol, lmk if you need anything in the meantime
Lan Wangji: Thank you.
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: I will arrive at 8 a.m. tomorrow to move in.
Wei Wuxian: ah ok i will for sure not be awake at that ungodly hour but sounds good. once i awaken though, happy to help you carry stuff in
Lan Wangji: Not necessary.
Wei Wuxian: ok lol well see you tomorrow
Lan Wangji: OK.
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: Hello. What is the Wi-Fi information?
Wei Wuxian: oh right it’s called Connect4Virus and the password is “checkthebackoftherouter”
Lan Wangji: Are you serious?
Wei Wuxian: as serious as a virus
Lan Wangji: I see. That login worked.
Wei Wuxian: you’re welcome!
Lan Wangji: Why did you name it that?
Wei Wuxian: i’m warding off unwanted wifi parasites
Venmo
Wei Wuxian requested $XX for “it’s trash can, not trash cannot”
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: I do not understand your Venmo request.
Wei Wuxian: oh it’s just a meme lmao
Lan Wangji: What is this for?
Wei Wuxian: it’s for the sept utilities payment i mentioned—trash, wifi, that kinda thing
Lan Wangji: OK.
Venmo
Lan Wangji denied the request.
Lan Wangji paid Wei Wuxian for “September utilities payment: trash, Wi-Fi, etc.”
Comments:
Wei Wuxian: lmao u could’ve just filled the request i sent u??
Lan Wangji: Your request had a frivolous memo line. This is more accurate.
Wei Wuxian: ooookayyyyy
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: does your cat hate everyone or should i count myself special
Lan Wangji: Not everyone.
Wei Wuxian: well is it a sign of affection that she hissed at me
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: aight lol is there anything i should do to help her warm up to me?
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: great!
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: yo is there a reason u turned off the oven
Lan Wangji: I woke up to get a glass of water and assumed it was on by mistake, since it is 2 a.m.
Wei Wuxian: 2am is actually the perfect time to make chicken nuggets!
Lan Wangji: You were not around, so I interpreted it as a fire hazard.
Wei Wuxian: i was lying on my bed waiting for the oven to preheat!
Lan Wangji: Perhaps leave a note next time.
Wei Wuxian: dang ok fine
Lan Wangji: Tomorrow, we should arrange a meeting to discuss apartment rules and expectations.
Wei Wuxian: “arrange a meeting” like we don’t literally share a living room? ok lmao
Lan Wangji: I am free at 8 p.m.
Wei Wuxian: alright sounds gr8
Apartment Rules and Expectations
1. Limit noise after 9 p.m. on weeknights and after 11 p.m. on weekend nights.
2. don’t turn off other people’s ovens!!!
3. Do not leave fire hazards unattended without proper notice.
4. roommates will communicate any problems to each other directly without passive aggression!
5. Messes (including dirty dishes) in the kitchen and bathroom should be handled by the perpetrator immediately.
6. perpetrators should not be shot if they leave a single dish in the sink every once in a while
7. No jokes about shooting roommates.
8. no questioning the nocturnal hours of your roommate
9. Use only your groceries; keep them strictly on your side of the fridge or cabinets.
10. if you won’t share anything, don’t come crying to your roommate when you need to borrow a cup of sugar
11. Do not leave unnecessary clutter on the counters or tables.
12. don’t call essential appliances such as the coffee maker clutter
13. Roommates will alternate taking the trash out when it is full.
14. household cats will not be mean to me
15. Roommates will not impose unreasonable standards on household cats.
16. no bringing a dog into this apartment under any circumstance EVER
17. When the common spaces are not in use, turn off all lights and unplug all appliances.
18. stay out of each other’s rooms without permission
19. Roommates will alternate cleaning the common spaces (bathroom, kitchen, and living room) every two weeks.
20. roommates will live, laugh, love with abandon!
21. Roommates will not make nonsensical requests.
Post-it note: Oven
don’t turn off!!!!!!!!! i need to consume things that are bad for me in the dead of night
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: just bought a magnetic whiteboard for the fridge. feel free to use if u want!
Lan Wangji: No need.
Whiteboard
buy more almond milk
call maintenance about broken icemaker
sell roommate’s belongings on ebay
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: What is the meaning of the note on the fridge?
Wei Wuxian: oh i’m out of almond milk
Lan Wangji: That is not funny.
Wei Wuxian: i agree. almond milk is no joke. the almonds work very hard on that stuff probably (i wouldn’t know i’m not an almond)
Apartment Rules and Expectations
22. Do not misappropriate or joke about misappropriating other people’s belongings.
Whiteboard
word of the day: joke (n.)
definition: something that cool, fun people engage in
example sentence: lan wangji wouldn’t recognize a joke if it punched him in the face and misappropriated all his lunch money
Post-it note: Microwave
Clear the time on the microwave after you use it.
Post-it note: Microwave
in the time u took to write this note u could’ve just cleared the time urself
Post-it note: Microwave
That is not my responsibility.
Post-it note: Microwave
i left it like that in case u have a grave need to microwave something for seven seconds
Apartment Rules and Expectations
23. Clear the time on the microwave after use.
24. don’t use post-it notes for inefficient evil
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: ok i know u have a thing about sharing stuff but can i pleeeaaase use a teaspoon of ur garlic powder? i’m in the middle of cooking and i realized i don’t have enough
Lan Wangji: Fine.
Wei Wuxian: oh lit ty!!
Venmo
Lan Wangji requested $0.21 for “Use of 1 teaspoon of garlic powder.”
Comments:
Wei Wuxian: did u fr calculate how much 1tsp of garlic powder costs
Lan Wangji: Yes.
Wei Wuxian: when i buy more garlic powder i can just give u a teaspoon of it!
Lan Wangji: No need.
Wei Wuxian denied the request.
Wei Wuxian paid Lan Wangji for “what’s next, i repay u with a fraction of my firstborn child?”
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: You left the door unlocked.
Wei Wuxian: i just ran downstairs to get a package real quick
Lan Wangji: That is imprudent.
Wei Wuxian: figured u could defend the homestead for three minutes! u look like u could win a fight
Lan Wangji: I locked the door.
Wei Wuxian: wait but i didn’t bring my key down can u open it
Lan Wangji: You should have brought your key.
Wei Wuxian: fine i’ll climb up the fire escape
Lan Wangji: I locked the balcony door too.
Wei Wuxian: is this a hostile takeover?? are u aware that my name is also on the lease and i pay rent?!?!
Lan Wangji: The building has a lockout service.
Wei Wuxian: but i didn’t lock myself out i was deliberately locked out by someone and i could get in if he would just open the door
Lan Wangji: You could get in if you had your key.
Wei Wuxian: are u trying to make some kind of point????
Lan Wangji: Actions have consequences.
Wei Wuxian: ya they do and just so u know when i was in the package room i very kindly and generously picked up a package u received to bring it to u so if u want to see it again u’ll open the door!
Lan Wangji: Taking my package is stealing.
Wei Wuxian: locking me out is illegal eviction!! or something!!!!
Lan Wangji: Fine. I will let you in. Do not touch my mail or leave the door unlocked again.
Wei Wuxian: fine!
Apartment Rules and Expectations
25. Do not leave the apartment door unlocked.
26. do not lock your roommate out of the apartment just to be petty
Whiteboard
it has been 0 days since lan wangji unfairly persecuted me
Whiteboard
it has been 1! day since lan wangji unfairly persecuted me
Post-it note: Bag of chips on counter
Do not leave unnecessary clutter on the counter. Refer to Rule No. 11.
Post-it note: Bag of chips on counter
this is not clutter it’s an interior decorating choice
Post-it note: Bag of chips on counter
If you do not put them away, I will remove them myself.
Post-it note: Bag of chips on counter
ooooohhh scary
Post-it note: Kitchen counter
I disposed of it.
Whiteboard
it was been 0 days since lan wangji unfairly persecuted me
Apartment Rules and Expectations
27. do not throw out your roommate’s belongings!!!
Post-it note: Wei Wuxian’s forehead
Do not sleep on the couch.
Post-it note: Bathroom mirror
actually i wasn’t sleeping i was meditating and it’s discriminatory to prevent me from doing that
Apartment Rules and Expectations
28. No sleeping or meditating on the couch.
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: just a heads-up, gonna have a couple guests over tonight
Lan Wangji: OK.
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: It is 11:03 p.m.
Wei Wuxian: ^^^my watch if it could speak?
Lan Wangji: Per Rule No. 1, noise is to be limited after 11 p.m. on weekend nights.
Wei Wuxian: i’m just kidding i don’t own a watch
Lan Wangji: It is after 11 p.m.
Wei Wuxian: ya and the noise has been limited by me turning the music down a bit
Lan Wangji: Turn off the music entirely and move your social gathering to another location.
Wei Wuxian: is this ur way of tryna get an invite? ur soooo welcome to come drink w us it’s good wine!!
Lan Wangji: I am trying to sleep. I will file a noise complaint.
Wei Wuxian: jesus christ that is not the way to handle ur fomo
Post-it note: Empty wine bottle filled with flowers on counter
Unnecessary clutter. Remove.
Post-it note: Empty wine bottle filled with flowers on counter
i am clearly using it as a vase, which is a legitimate form of decor! it’s recycled chic
Apartment Rules and Expectations
29. Do not attempt to pass off garbage as decor.
30. do not disparage your roommate’s interior decorating choices!
Whiteboard
word of the day: saturnine (adj.)
definition: serious and unfriendly
example sentence: lan wangji has an utterly saturnine disposition that makes one wonder whether he has ever had a single second of fun in his entire saturnine life
Apartment Rules and Expectations
31. Do not make disparaging remarks about your roommate’s character.
32. do not interpret friendly whiteboard messages as disparaging just because you are naturally unfriendly!
Venmo
Wei Wuxian requested $XX for “i don’t take constructive criticism; i only take cash or credit”
Lan Wangji denied this request.
Lan Wangji paid Wei Wuxian for “October utilities payment.”
Post-it note: Lan Wangji’s cat
hi my name is cloud and i believe that if i eat wei wuxian’s phone charger i will gain electricity-based superpowers that will allow me to take over the world
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: I’ve never seen Cloud try to eat a charger.
Wei Wuxian: maybe mine taste better than yours
Lan Wangji: I doubt that.
Wei Wuxian: are u saying i’m lying about ur cat’s evil misdeeds
Lan Wangji: I am skeptical about the reliability of your account.
Wei Wuxian: do u want me to film her doing it next time instead of stopping her from getting electrocuted
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: she’s got u wrapped around her evil little paws so tightly u can’t see the chaos and destruction she’s capable of
Lan Wangji: She is a cat.
Wei Wuxian: yes thank u that’s my point exactly
Lan Wangji: She is well behaved.
Wei Wuxian: ok so then is she just obediently following ur instructions when she chews up my charger and tries to scratch me for walking past her in my own room
Lan Wangji: Keep your door closed to prevent her coming in your room.
Wei Wuxian: no way! i’m playing the long game to earn her trust u can’t trick me into losing
Lan Wangji: Oh.
Wei Wuxian: what, jealous that one day ur cat is gonna like me more than u?
Lan Wangji: That will not happen.
Wei Wuxian: i bet ur quaking with fear right now
Lan Wangji: Ridiculous.
Apartment Rules and Expectations
33. Do not put Post-it notes on household cats.
Whiteboard
it has been 0 days since cloud bullied me
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: Are you almost finished in the bathroom? I need to get ready for an event.
Wei Wuxian: ya
Message in steam on bathroom mirror
have fun at ur event xoxo
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: are u running the blender rn to punish me for sins in a past life or this current one bc surely i haven’t done anything worth this torment
Lan Wangji: I am making a post-workout smoothie.
Wei Wuxian: why are u working out at the crack of dawn on a saturday
Lan Wangji: It is 9:22 a.m.
Wei Wuxian: yeah this isn’t gonna work for me
Apartment Rules and Expectations
34. limit noise before 11am on weekends!
Post-it note: Water filter pitcher in fridge
This was nearly empty. Refill after use.
Post-it note: Water filter pitcher in fridge
i exclusively drink tap water for the health benefits of those extra chemicals so if it was nearly empty maybe call the police and report that someone broke in to drink your filtered water and not refill it
Whiteboard
it has been 0 days since lan wangji unfairly persecuted me
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: I am having a guest over tonight. Please do not enter the common spaces while he is here.
Wei Wuxian: hot date?????
Lan Wangji: No. My brother.
Wei Wuxian: why can’t i meet ur brother
Lan Wangji: Because.
Wei Wuxian: because why????
Lan Wangji: Just because.
Wei Wuxian: are u saying i’m not fit to meet the fam? let me tell u lan zhan i clean up real nice
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: not even sure which part that’s responding to but fine be that way
Whiteboard
buy more cocaine
find getaway driver for bank heist
dispose of body in freezer
Apartment Rules and Expectations
35. Do not write messages about illegal activities on the whiteboard.
36. If you will not clean your room when guests come over, keep your door closed.
37. do not ask your roommate to clean their room for guests when all their precious time is taken up by brainstorming illegal things to write on the whiteboard
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: i’m running out of room on the bookshelves in my room—is it chill if i buy a shelving unit for the living room? i’ve seen some cool bookshelf-cat tree hybrids so i thought cloud might like that [link]
Lan Wangji: Yes, she would.
Wei Wuxian: ok sick ty i’ll buy one then
Lan Wangji: Please Venmo request me for half of the cost.
Wei Wuxian: oh dude no need i’m just gonna buy it myself
Lan Wangji: But you are buying it for my cat.
Wei Wuxian: i’m buying it for me and my bff cloud! she hasn’t consented to being bffs yet but i’m gonna stock the cat tree shelves with some books about being nice to others and making friends
Lan Wangji: She is a cat. She can’t read.
Wei Wuxian: that’s incredibly neglectful parenting lan zhan
Lan Wangji: OK.
Wi-Fi name changed from “Connect4Virus” to “hot signals in ur area.”
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: Did you change the Wi-Fi name?
Wei Wuxian: yep!
Lan Wangji: I don’t understand.
Wei Wuxian: it’s a play on “hot singles in your area”
Lan Wangji: Why would you name the Wi-Fi that?
Wei Wuxian: bc it’s funny
Lan Wangji: Give it a normal name.
Wei Wuxian: i shan’t!
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: the shelving unit is being delivered today so u may wanna keep cloud locked up while i’m assembling it
Lan Wangji: OK. Will you need help?
Wei Wuxian: nah not to brag but i’m pretty handy
Lan Wangji: Alright. Let me know.
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: think she likes it? [image]
Lan Wangji: Yes.
Wei Wuxian: sweeeeet
Lan Wangji: Thank you.
Wei Wuxian: oh don’t thank me i just needed more space for my book collection. btw feel free to borrow any books from the shelf
Lan Wangji: OK. Thank you.
Wei Wuxian: enough with the thank yous hahaha that’s so awk
Lan Wangji: Fine.
Post-it note: Dryer
Neglecting to clean the lint trap is a fire hazard.
Post-it note: Dryer
if this machine is so poorly designed that it catches on fire bc i forgot to clean out the lint ONE time then at that point it’s not even really my fault
Post-it note: Dryer
Yes, it is.
Post-it note: Dryer
everyone’s a critic
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: Are you home?
Wei Wuxian: ya tryna nap but there’s this super annoying sound getting in the way of my beauty sleep
Lan Wangji: That is a fire alarm. Why have you not evacuated?
Wei Wuxian: if they want me to evacuate they should stop having fire drills every five seconds when someone burns toast
Lan Wangji: There could be a real fire.
Wei Wuxian: guess i’ll die then
Lan Wangji: That is not funny.
Wei Wuxian: i’m not my best and funniest self when my sleep is being interrupted
Lan Wangji: Come outside now.
Wei Wuxian: hey do u think someone set their dryer on fire by not clearing out the lint trap
Lan Wangji: The fire department is here. It is highly irresponsible for you to not evacuate.
Wei Wuxian: well it’s been 20 mins since it started going off so at this point if i leave it means they win and i can’t allow that
Lan Wangji: It means you don’t burn to death.
Wei Wuxian: not to worry i have a pitcher of filtered water to stop any fire that comes near me. i’ll refill it if i successfully ward off a fiery death
Lan Wangji: Nonsense. Evacuate.
Wei Wuxian: why, are u worried about me?
Lan Wangji: You’re making the firefighters’ jobs harder.
Wei Wuxian: i willed all my belongings to u in the event of my untimely death
Lan Wangji: I do not want your belongings.
Wei Wuxian: the will in question is written on a paper airplane on top of my wardrobe. now that i think about it, it might burn to ashes in the fire
Lan Wangji: Ridiculous.
Wei Wuxian: oh what’s that? the alarm stopped? seems like i won this game of chicken with the fire department
Lan Wangji: Next time you will evacuate with me and Cloud.
Wei Wuxian: don’t threaten me omg
Apartment Rules and Expectations
38. Obey fire safety regulations and evacuate during fire drills.
39. allow your roommate the freedom to risk their life for a high-stakes gamble
Whiteboard
“leave all bags of dry cat food open on the floor to properly aerate them.” —dr. cloud, phd, renowned food scientist
Apartment Rules and Expectations
40. Do not bear false witness against Cloud.
Post-it note: TV
Do not disrupt the algorithm on my streaming platforms.
Post-it note: TV
so u want me to log in and out every time i use a streaming service u also have?
Post-it note: TV
You may create a separate profile on my accounts to avoid muddying my watch history and recommendations.
Post-it note: TV
“muddying” is crazy but thanks i will and u can do the same on the ones i’m logged into
Create New Profile
Profile Name: ur favoritest roommate in the universe
Edit Profile
New Profile Name: Wei Ying
Create New Profile
Profile Name: Lan Wangji
Edit Profile
New Profile Name: my favoritest roommate in the universe
Post-it note: TV
“Favoritest” is grammatically incoherent.
Edit Profile
New Profile Name: my most beloved roommate in the universe
Post-it note: TV
satisfied with my changes?
Post-it note: TV
That is a ridiculous profile name; it should just be my name. At least now it is grammatically correct.
Whiteboard
it has been 3 days since cloud bullied me
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: a few friends are coming over tonight to pregame before we go out. we will be outta here by 10
Lan Wangji: OK.
Wei Wuxian: ur welcome to join if u want!
Lan Wangji: No, thank you. I do not usually drink.
Wei Wuxian: fair play
Post-it note: Glass on counter
made u a mocktail with my sick amateur bartending skills. it’s got chamomile in it so it’s allegedly good for sleep (hopefully u sleep deeply and don’t awaken when i come home drunk at 5am! see how that would be better for both of us)
Post-it note: Kitchen counter
I heard one of your friends say it was your birthday last night. Here is a pastry to mark the occasion. Additionally, thank you for the drink you made.
Post-it note: Kitchen counter
ayyyy thanks! good pastry 10/10
Venmo
Wei Wuxian requested $XX for “did you know that rats spelled backward is star”
Lan Wangji denied the request.
Lan Wangji paid Wei Wuxian for “November utilities payment.”
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: Are you implying there are rats in the apartment?
Wei Wuxian: yeah cloud seems like she needs more enrichment in her day so i bought some at the pet store to set free in our apartment
Lan Wangji: Cloud must be pleased.
Wei Wuxian: actually the rats have unionized against her we may need to start paying them fair wages
Lan Wangji: Free accommodations is surely sufficient.
Wei Wuxian: u’ll have to get in there for the negotiations they’re getting rowdy
Lan Wangji: To be clear, you are joking, correct?
Wei Wuxian: ur too pretty to be this astute too wow!!
Lan Wangji: Excuse me?
Wei Wuxian: pretty, astute, and easily riled
Lan Wangji: Ridiculous.
Post-it note: Piece of lettuce on kitchen floor
Did you still want this? If so, I suggest you find a safer place to keep it than on the floor.
Post-it note: Piece of lettuce on kitchen floor
yes thanks so much for drawing my attention to this i plan to frame it and hang it on the wall
Apartment Rules and Expectations
41. Do not hang lettuce or other perishable food items on the wall.
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: Did you see the notice on the door?
Wei Wuxian: ya maintenance is coming to do blah blah something
Lan Wangji: Will you be home?
Wei Wuxian: yep
Lan Wangji: When they come, can you secure Cloud in your room? She may be agitated by strangers and try to escape if they leave the door open.
Wei Wuxian: oh for sure i love holding cloud hostage
Lan Wangji: Do you often hold her hostage?
Wei Wuxian: just the right amount! i think she’s warming up to me
Lan Wangji: She likes you.
Wei Wuxian: now u just sound like ur making stuff up to butter me up
Lan Wangji: I am observing the changes in her behavior toward you.
Wei Wuxian: and how does her owner feel about me are we besties yet?
Lan Wangji: Her owner feels you should stop using all the ice without replacing it.
Wei Wuxian: touché
Post-it note: Dryer
If you leave your clothes in here for one more day, I will assume you want me to donate them to charity.
Post-it note: Dryer
woah woah woah don’t be so hasty! some of your stuff was in here too
Post-it note: Dryer
Why would my clothes have been in the dryer with yours? Did you steal them?
Post-it note: Dryer
hostage tactic in case u threatened to dispose of them
Post-it note: Dryer
You can’t just steal my clothing.
Post-it note: Dryer
why not? i was helping u wash the things u left on the bathroom floor
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: I apologize for leaving clothes on the bathroom floor. I was careless in my haste to get to work.
Wei Wuxian: i’ve already put in a police report about your heinous negligence and they said u’ll go to jail for probably at least 100 years so my plan to take custody of cloud is going swimmingly
Lan Wangji: Your plan to what?
Wei Wuxian: don’t worry about it! btw i know u said initially that i’m not allowed to give cloud any treats but what if she’s looking at me all sad and cute?? isn’t that an extenuating circumstance?????
Lan Wangji: You may give her no more than three treats.
Wei Wuxian: u drive a hard bargain. accepted!
Post-it note: Container of food on counter
made too much food when i was cooking! please eat or give to cloud so it doesn’t go to waste
p.s. i’ve noticed that ur a weakling so it’s not spicy
Post-it note: Counter
Thank you for the food. However, it is not suitable for cats, so I did not share it with Cloud.
Whiteboard
riddle of the day: why are cats so good at video games?
Post-it note: Whiteboard
Cloud is not good at video games, as far as I am aware.
Whiteboard
riddle of the day: why are cats so good at video games?
because they have nine lives!
Post-it note: Whiteboard
That’s a myth. How does it pertain to video games?
Post-it note: Whiteboard
give cloud a video game controller and find out!
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: I neglected to buy cinnamon. May I please borrow a quarter teaspoon of cinnamon?
Wei Wuxian: cinnamon isn’t too spicy for ur delicate constitution?
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: well then sure, by all means!
Lan Wangji: I will Venmo you accordingly.
Wei Wuxian: bro do not venmo me for a pinch of cinnamon i do not want a few cents sitting in my venmo
Lan Wangji: I can give it to you in coins.
Wei Wuxian: i want coins even less!! just take it as a gift between friends, for the sake of my sanity
Lan Wangji: OK. Thank you.
Wi-Fi name changed from “hot signals in ur area” to “use ONLY for accessing dark web.”
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: Must we have such an absurd Wi-Fi name?
Wei Wuxian: yes! it’ll discourage outsiders from using it!
Lan Wangji: I highly doubt that, but fine.
Post-it note: Container in fridge
You left this container of rice on the counter, so I put it in the fridge for food safety reasons.
Post-it note: Fridge
it’s not food safe to leave rice out? who woulda thought
Post-it note: Fridge
No. It grows deadly bacteria if left out for too long.
Post-it note: Fridge
i owe u my life i guess!
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: Do you really not know basic food safety information?
Wei Wuxian: all the food safety info i need is that if it smells sus, don’t eat it. otherwise it’s all fair game
Lan Wangji: No. I will make a PowerPoint presentation to teach you applicable food safety standards.
Wei Wuxian: i’m just messing with u i left the rice out by accident bc i was in a rush! but i definitely need to see this darling powerpoint of yours
Lan Wangji: Food safety is not a joke.
Wei Wuxian: next ur gonna tell me that expiration dates actually mean something
Lan Wangji: You don’t adhere to expiration dates?
Wei Wuxian: they’re like friendly suggestions
Lan Wangji: We will discuss this further in my presentation.
Whiteboard
ONE NIGHT ONLY: a food safety powerpoint extravaganza by lan wangji, tonight at 8
light refreshments will be provided*
*their food safety cannot be guaranteed
Apartment Rules and Expectations
42. Adhere to reasonable food safety standards.
43. don’t throw out your roommate’s food even if it’s past the expiration date because maybe they’re conducting a science experiment to see how quickly it grows new organisms such as mold
44. Do not conduct science experiments on food or grow mold.
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: yo i’m heading to the library. want me to return any books for u?
Lan Wangji: No need. I’ll accompany you to return them.
Wei Wuxian: k cool leaving in 5
Lan Wangji: OK. I’ll be ready.
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: have u ever tried to walk cloud on a leash
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: if i buy a harness and leash can i give it a go
Lan Wangji: Why?
Wei Wuxian: i wanna take her to the park across the street and see if she likes it
Lan Wangji: OK.
Wei Wuxian: sick
Whiteboard
riddle of the day: how many cats can you put in an empty box?
Post-it note: Whiteboard
It depends on the size of the box as well as the sizes of the cats.
Whiteboard
riddle of the day: how many cats can you put in an empty box?
one! after that, the box isn’t empty
Post-it note: Whiteboard
I see. That is clever.
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: What is going on in the kitchen?
Wei Wuxian: i’m baking muffins!
Lan Wangji: Does that activity typically require so much chaos?
Wei Wuxian: no probably not but in my defense i thought baking would be a lot easier than it’s turning out to be. it’s just science how is it thwarting me like this???
Lan Wangji: I’m coming to supervise.
Post-it note: Counter next to sink
Is this dirty pan in the sink your idea of decor?
Post-it note: Counter next to sink
wei wuxian (b. 1998)
“life is too short to stress about washing pans immediately,” c. 2025
mixed-media
Post-it note: Clean pan
Lan Wangji (b. 1998).
“A clean home is a happy home,” 2025.
Mixed-media.
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: heyyyyy did u clean my pan?
Lan Wangji: Yes.
Wei Wuxian: i was gonna do it right after my bit with the art gallery placard! had to let u see it first
Lan Wangji: I see.
Wei Wuxian: my bad for leaving it there since this morning. i’m shocked u didn’t just throw it out tbh!
Lan Wangji: That would be wasteful. I was doing dishes anyway after I made dinner.
Wei Wuxian: ok well thanks lan zhan!
Lan Wangji: You’re welcome, Wei Ying.
Venmo
Wei Wuxian requested $XX for “don’t do drugs! do me instead”
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: What does your Venmo request description mean?
Wei Wuxian: [image]
Lan Wangji: What on Earth is that?
Wei Wuxian: i was quoting this possum meme!
Lan Wangji: Did you make that?
Wei Wuxian: no sadly i just stumbled across it on the world wide web
Lan Wangji: It is disturbing.
Wei Wuxian: ikr i love it
Venmo
Lan Wangji denied the request.
Lan Wangji paid Wei Wuxian for “December utilities payment.”
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: had a great time on our walk [image]
Lan Wangji: Was she better at walking on the harness this time?
Wei Wuxian: no but she has really mastered the army crawl!
Lan Wangji: She needs to get more acclimated.
Whiteboard
riddle of the day: why are cats afraid of trees?
Post-it note: Whiteboard
Is Cloud afraid of trees in particular? I was not aware of this.
Whiteboard
riddle of the day: why are cats afraid of trees?
because they’re scared of the bark!
Post-it note: Whiteboard
Why would she be afraid of tree bark? I don’t understand.
Post-it note: Whiteboard
no it’s a play on how dogs bark and cats would be scared of that!
Post-it note: Whiteboard
I see. That is a humorous play on words.
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: did u know cloud has a passion for bread???
Lan Wangji: What?
Wei Wuxian: i turned around to grab a knife and when i turned back she was on the counter eating my bread!
Lan Wangji: I apologize. I will compensate you accordingly.
Wei Wuxian: no need she has already paid for her crimes
Lan Wangji: How so?
Wei Wuxian: i cut out the center of a slice of bread and made her a bread necklace
Lan Wangji: A bread necklace?
Wei Wuxian: [image]
Lan Wangji: I see. Did she like her new bread collar?
Wei Wuxian: i think she was just mad she couldn’t figure out how to eat it like that
Lan Wangji: Quite amusing.
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: SOS HELP
Lan Wangji: What’s wrong?
Wei Wuxian: i’m out of conditioner but i’ve already started washing my hair can i use a tiny bit of urs
Lan Wangji: Are you texting me from the shower?
Wei Wuxian: would u prefer i come bursting into ur room dripping wet
Lan Wangji: You may use my conditioner.
Wei Wuxian: ur a real one lan zhan tysm! just venmo req me whatever
Lan Wangji: No need.
Wei Wuxian: has picturing me naked in the shower softened ur heart about charging me for use of ur belongings?
Lan Wangji: Do you want me to charge you?
Wei Wuxian: no no no going back to showering now bye!
Lan Wangji: Ridiculous.
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: Don’t come up here.
Wei Wuxian: whaaattt ur uninviting me from hanging out on the roof ? rude i was gonna bring lemonade
Lan Wangji: Someone brought their dog.
Wei Wuxian: EUGH good call i’m staying right here. also i was lying about the lemonade i don’t actually have any. should i make some?
Lan Wangji: Do you have lemons?
Wei Wuxian: no i’m waiting for life to give me some!
Lan Wangji: I have a bag of lemons in the bottom drawer of the fridge. You may use them to make lemonade.
Wei Wuxian: and look at that, my waiting paid off!
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: am i crazy or is that the ice cream truck music outside
Lan Wangji: It’s December.
Wei Wuxian: hmmmm good point i guess i am hallucinating! ok i’m going to the store to get ice cream what do u want
Lan Wangji: I do not need anything.
Wei Wuxian: ok u look like the kinda guy who would enjoy a sonic the hedgehog ice cream bar
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: i’m just playing i don’t think they even sell those in stores! i’ll get u some vanilla ice cream sandwiches
Lan Wangji: Oh. Thank you.
Wei Wuxian: if ur wondering how i guessed it’s because that’s the most boring option
Lan Wangji: It’s classic.
Wei Wuxian: i’ll give cloud a meat-flavored popsicle so she doesn’t feel left out
Lan Wangji: The store sells those?
Wei Wuxian: no i put one of those squeezable cat treat pouches in the freezer to see what would happen
Lan Wangji: I look forward to seeing the results.
Apartment Rules and Expectations
45. don’t give cloud frozen treats or she’ll go insane trying to figure out why it’s making her tongue cold
Whiteboard
are you liquid nitrogen? because i wanna combine you with alcohol and see what happens
Post-it note: Whiteboard
This question does not make sense. Also, is liquid nitrogen safe to use in alcohol beverages?
Post-it note: Whiteboard
u have to use lateral thinking to understand it! and yes probably it’s safe idk i’ve just heard it can make the drink all smoky and cool
Post-it note: Whiteboard
i just can’t help but notice u said u don’t USUALLY drink which seems to leave the door open for u to at some point consume alcohol and i need to be there to see it for science reasons
Post-it note: Whiteboard
It still doesn’t make sense. I have consumed alcohol on rare occasions but have no tolerance or fondness for it.
Post-it note: Whiteboard
what if i make u a delicious cocktail with low alcohol content and minimal liquid nitrogen?
Post-it note: Whiteboard
Make it with no liquid nitrogen.
Post-it note: Whiteboard
deal!
Apartment Rules and Expectations
46. don’t put liquid nitrogen in lan zhan’s drinks
Post-it note: Lan Wangji’s forehead
per apartment rule #28 sleeping on the couch is illegal but u were such a delightful drunken companion last night i’ll let it slide
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: I apologize for sleeping on the couch. Did I do anything else untoward?
Wei Wuxian: that would’ve been tricky to pull off since u drank my expertly crafted cocktail and then immediately passed out! u did mumble in ur sleep about how u were gonna steal some chickens but i don’t think u actually managed it, being asleep and all
Lan Wangji: That is embarrassing. I apologize again.
Wei Wuxian: don’t apologize! i had a great time. u genuinely weren’t kidding about the low alcohol tolerance huh?
Lan Wangji: Indeed. I am returning to my room to sleep now.
Wei Wuxian: ok sweet dreams xoxo. i’ll leave some hangover essentials in the bathroom for u
Post-it note: Bathroom counter
get well soon. make sure u drink this glass of water and plenty more!!!
Post-it note: Bathroom counter
Thank you. I feel better now.
Whiteboard
are u a parking ticket? bc u have got “fine” written aaaallll over u
Post-it note: Whiteboard
What does this mean? I’ve never gotten a parking ticket.
Post-it note: Whiteboard
it’s a pickup line! i was complimenting u!
Post-it note: Whiteboard
Why would you compare me to something unpleasant as a compliment?
Whiteboard
are u a beaver? cuz daaaaam
Post-it note: Whiteboard
What do I have in common with a beaver? Also, you misspelled “damn,” which is what I assume you were trying to say.
Post-it note: Whiteboard
ur both semiaquatic
Post-it note: Whiteboard
Untrue. I live entirely on land.
Whiteboard
are u a solely land-dwelling beaver? cuz daaaaam(n) ur as fine as a parking ticket
Post-it note: Whiteboard
This one makes the least sense of all.
Post-it note: Whiteboard
how can that be? i’ve incorporated all ur feedback!
Whiteboard
fun fact of the day: beavers are better and smarter engineers than 100% of human engineers
Post-it note: Whiteboard
According to what source?
Post-it note: Whiteboard
mother nature!
Post-it note: Whiteboard
Beavers do have impressive ecosystem engineering abilities.
Post-it note: Whiteboard
shall we get a pet beaver?
Post-it note: Whiteboard
Cloud does not like other animals.
Post-it note: Whiteboard
actually that super checks out
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: are u heading home for christmas this week?
Lan Wangji: Yes, I will be gone from December 23 to 28. What about you?
Wei Wuxian: nah i’ll just see my siblings when they’re back in town after xmas. i’ll hold down the fort in ur absence
Lan Wangji: It would be inconvenient for Cloud to travel with me. Would you be able to care for her while I am gone?
Wei Wuxian: omg ya absolutely! we will undoubtedly have a wonderful time together. just leave me some instructions and i will do my utmost
Lan Wangji: Thank you very much.
Note on counter
Instructions for Catsitting
Food: Cloud eats one 3-ounce can at 8 a.m. and another at 8 p.m. Her automatic dry food dispenser gives her 1/8 of a cup of dry food at 2 p.m. If for some reason it stops working, she will let you know that she has not gotten her dry food.
Water: Please check periodically that her water fountain is sufficiently filled and in working order. I have refilled it before leaving, so there shouldn’t be any issues, but it will make a loud noise if it runs out of water.
Litter: Please clean her litter box every day. She will refuse to use it if she considers it unclean, and that will create havoc.
Treats: She can have six treats per day, which includes three dental treats.
Play: You are already familiar with her playing habits and the bin of cat toys. If you do not play with her “enough” in her estimation, she may try to wake you up at night.
Sleep: If possible, please allow her to sleep on your bed. She gets lonely at night.
Additional questions: Please contact me if anything comes up. You have my phone number.
Post-it note: Wrapped box on counter
Merry Christmas, Wei Ying.
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: ayyyyy u snuck out before i could give u ur gift!
Lan Wangji: You did not have to get me a gift.
Wei Wuxian: what is it they say about casting stones from glass houses...
Lan Wangji: Thank you. I will be happy to receive it when I return.
Wei Wuxian: can i open ur gift now
Lan Wangji: It’s not Christmas yet.
Wei Wuxian: can’t believe ur bullying me like this
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: bonding level: sleepover [image]
Lan Wangji: That is a nice picture of you both. I am glad you are getting along.
Wei Wuxian: did u think we wouldn’t???
Lan Wangji: Both of you have your moments.
Wei Wuxian: are u perhaps thinking of our bread war?
Lan Wangji: Among other incidents.
Wei Wuxian: well we’re thriving!!! do u miss us terribly?? do u have fomo about not being here?
Lan Wangji: I would prefer to be there.
Wei Wuxian: woooowwwww ok come back soon
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: merry christmas!!!!!!! can i have my gift now
Lan Wangji: Merry Christmas. Yes, if you want. I also left a gift for Cloud. Please ensure she gets it.
Wei Wuxian: ok well she loves it [image]
Lan Wangji: And you?
Wei Wuxian: i also love cloud’s gift, of course
Lan Wangji: I see.
Wei Wuxian: i’m just messing with u lan zhan i am shocked and awed by this bottle of emperor’s smile how did u manage to find it?!?! and how did u know it’s my favorite?!?!?!?
Lan Wangji: I’m glad you like it.
Wei Wuxian: okay keep ur secrets! i got cloud a gift too btw [image]
Lan Wangji: Is that a bumblebee?
Wei Wuxian: yes it’s a bee toy filled with catnip to drug her into submission
Lan Wangji: She hasn’t tried catnip before. Please report back the results.
Wei Wuxian: easier just to video chat rn if ur free?
Lan Wangji: Yes, I’m free.
Call log
Video call
31 minutes
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: [link]
Wei Wuxian: did u fr just send me home security statistics about leaving ur door unlocked
Lan Wangji: In case you’re tempted to be lax in my absence.
Wei Wuxian: yes i’m embracing an open border policy where i actually just leave the front door wide open
Lan Wangji: Is Cloud enjoying her newfound freedom then?
Wei Wuxian: yes she’s already befriended all the neighbors!
Lan Wangji: That’s how I know you’re not serious.
Wei Wuxian: good catch <3
Lan Wangji: Has she been eating well?
Wei Wuxian: yes that creature is utterly ravenous. actually wait lemme call so u can say hi to her?
Lan Wangji: OK.
Call log
Video call
47 minutes
Wei Wuxian > Lan Wangji
Wei Wuxian: when do u get back tomorrow?
Lan Wangji: About midday.
Wei Wuxian: nice nice
Lan Wangji: I read an interesting book today. You may also want to read it.
Wei Wuxian: intrigued what u find interesting. tell me about it?
Lan Wangji: It would be easier to explain over the phone.
Wei Wuxian: if ur missing my dulcet tones just say that!
Call log
Video call
1 hour, 15 minutes
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: I am almost home.
Wei Wuxian: oh excellent see u soon
Whiteboard
poll of the day: does absence make the heart grow fonder?
Post-it note: Whiteboard
A definitive answer would require rigorous scientific study.
Whiteboard
poll of the day: based on personal, anecdotal evidence, does absence make lan zhan’s heart grow fonder of me specifically?
Post-it note: Whiteboard
Not particularly.
Post-it note: Whiteboard
ok heartless
Post-it note: Whiteboard
I feel equally fond either way.
Whiteboard
poll of the day: what is the specific % level of lan zhan’s heart’s fondness for me specifically?
note: 0% is NOT an option
Post-it note: Whiteboard
It’s not quantifiable.
Post-it note: Whiteboard
because it’s zero!??!!?!?
Post-it note: Whiteboard
No.
Apartment Rules and Expectations
47. roommates must answer each other’s poll questions honestly and clearly
48. Roommates must ask clear questions.
Whiteboard
poll of the day: please select your approximate level of fondness for me
☐ slightly fond
☐ somewhat fond
☐ medium fond
☐ fairly fond
☐ quite fond
☐ very fond
☐ extremely fond
☐ clinically insanely fond
☐ fond beyond what can be expressed in adverbs
Post-it note: Whiteboard
I question the efficacy and clarity of some of these categories.
Post-it note: Whiteboard
selecting an option is mandatory
Whiteboard
poll of the day: please select your approximate level of fondness for me
☐ slightly fond
☐ somewhat fond
☐ medium fond
☐ fairly fond
☐ quite fond
☒ very fond
☐ extremely fond
☐ clinically insanely fond
☐ so fond it can’t even be expressed in adverbs
Whiteboard
poll of the day: what does “very” fond signify?
Whiteboard
poll of the day: what does “very” fond signify?
You were the one who invented the categories, so you should know.
Whiteboard
poll of the day: why not clinically insanely fond?
Whiteboard
poll of the day: why not clinically insanely fond?
I do not consider myself clinically insane. I have established that I am fond of you.
Whiteboard
poll of the day: what does fond with no adverbs mean???
Whiteboard
poll of the day: what does fond with no adverbs mean???
Perhaps consult your original list of options.
Lan Wangji > Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji: Are we going to continue to write ridiculous things on the fridge in lieu of having a conversation?
Wei Wuxian: yes that sounds quite good to me
Lan Wangji: Not clinically insanely good?
Wei Wuxian: hmmmmmm hard to say. the categories are context-dependent
Lan Wangji: Are you avoiding me?
Wei Wuxian: no what makes u say that
Lan Wangji: Perhaps you skulking into the kitchen to write on the whiteboard while I’m in my room.
Wei Wuxian: aren’t u doing the same thing?
Lan Wangji: Not by choice.
Wei Wuxian: i see................
Lan Wangji: Come to my room.
Wei Wuxian: that’s adverblessly forward of you, lan zhan
Lan Wangji: So it is.
Wei Wuxian: fine fine fine fine omw
Whiteboard
word of the day: fond (adj.)
definition: how lan zhan feels about me (super embarrassing for him)
example sentence: lan zhan is so fond of me he had to shut his own cat out of his room to do unspeakable things to me without witnesses
Apartment Rules and Expectations
49. Do not allude to inappropriate personal matters in common spaces.
Whiteboard
are u my wifi router? cuz i’m feeling a connection
Post-it note: Whiteboard
This has reminded me to inquire at what point in our relationship I acquire veto power over the Wi-Fi name.
Post-it note: Whiteboard
we’ll have to be at least married first i assume
Wi-Fi name changed from “use ONLY for accessing dark web” to “gay rights and gay wrongs”
Venmo
Wei Wuxian requested $XX for “i put the fun in dysfunctional babyyy”
Lan Wangji paid Wei Wuxian for “i put the fun in dysfunctional babyyy”
Comments:
Lan Wangji: January utilities payment.
Wei Wuxian: i can’t believe u actually accepted that request. next month’s is going to be so much crazier
Apartment Rules and Expectations
50. Do not allude to inappropriate or illegal things on public Venmo requests.
Whiteboard
it has been 0 days since lan zhan unfairly persecuted me
Whiteboard
It has been 0 days since Wei Ying maligned my character.
Post-it note: Whiteboard
by accusing me of maligning ur character aren’t u thus maligning MY character?
Whiteboard
are u my unwashed dishes? because i feel the need to do u
Post-it note: Whiteboard
Refer to Rule No. 49.
Whiteboard
Are you a dictionary? Because you add meaning to my life.
Post-it note: Whiteboard
that’s crazy what the hell