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'Your new song ‘Kiss me’ has been topping the charts since its release last week, congratulations!’ another interviewer greeted them. They all nodded a thank you before he continued. ‘It has fans wondering: have the Mars boys let anyone kiss them recently?' he shot at them. Merciless.
With all the recent dating scandals the band had gotten in, Jun wondered how they’d get out of this unscratched. The question felt ill-intentioned. They were young after all, most young people kissed around!
Before anyone could react, Thame, leading still in his nature, took the question.
'Oh, we’ve definitely gotten kissed! Inevitable around P’Dylan!' he laughed it off, as if his words carried no weight. Jun’s gaze immediately turned to him, startled by the words.
What was that supposed to mean?
'Does Dylan kiss his members, then?' the interviewer tried to clarify, doubtfully. Probably not the answer he was expecting but, to be honest, Jun hadn’t expected it either. Thame needed serious media-training.
'Yes! Every time we challenge him, he would just go in for it!' It was Nano this time the one to answer. Jun’s brows furrowed as he looked at the ground.
Huh?????? When has that even happened?
Could it be that they were making shit up just to get away from this? If so, their minds surely worked in mysterious ways. Twisted, even.
It was the least believable lie Jun had heard in his short twenty-one years on Earth. There’s no way Dylan was going around kissing people.
The pink-haired seemed to be above all human forms of love expression, Jun had noticed. Too cool for any of that. Jun often wondered how Dylan was so great at writing love songs when he had never seen him go on a date, or even being interested in anyone, for that matter. He had seen the rapper gag when Nano tried to hug him. He’d always flinch away at contact. And they meant to say Dylan was giving away kisses?
He hadn’t gotten kissed, that’s for sure!
'Dylan, how does it feel to kiss your members?' The interviewer seemed amused, having obtained new and valuable information on the hottest boy group of the moment. Jun's frown wasn't slight.
'Well,' he giggled. He fucking giggled. 'It's… interesting. Whenever someone gets too close I’m just like ‘bring it on’!' He let out a breathy laugh, as if any of this was entertaining.
Now Jun was convinced this must be just an elaborate plot to lead the interview somewhere else, far away from dating rumours. Or maybe to drive him insane. Dylan had to be lying. Jun could think of hundreds of times where his face ended up too close to the pink-haired boy’s in arguments; he remembers those times all too well.
'I’ve not kissed all the members, though. Thame, Pepper, Nano…'
Jun's brain was alarmed at that, now going a hundred miles an hour. His stomach began to hurt, because what the hell?
Was Dylan… not lying?
Jun would’ve found out if everyone in his home was kissing behind his back, he wanted to believe. Right?
'Which one is the better kisser?'
'That’s definitely me! I’m doing all the kissing around here, but no one has kissed me yet!' Dylan responded before he pouted slightly.
Jun was definitely startled by the revelation, to say the least. Lucky for him, Pepper hurried to their goodbyes, ending the interview short. At least someone seemed to be aware of the insanity that just unfolded! Thame needed to shut up for 100 years.
Jun remained shut as they were directed back to their changing room. The wheels in his brain turning non stop.
'What the hell was that? Wasn’t there a more believable lie?' He spoke, finally, in a lighthearted tone, almost amused. Clinging to hope for dear life.
'What do you mean, Phi? We never lie in interviews,' Nano answered mindlessly.
'You mean to tell me Dylan kissed you? All of you?' disbelief tinting his tone.
'Yes? At least, I was kissed.'
'Me too' added Pepper.
'Me three' ended Thame.
Jun’s heart sank.
'Huh?'
'Yea? What about it?' Dylan finally dared to contribute to the exchange, nonchalantly.
'Are you insane?' Jun whisper-shouted. There was no answer. 'We’ll talk about this at home,' he finalized through gritted teeth.
Jun nodded goodbye to Thame and Per as they made their way to their apartments, while he, Nano and Dylan waited for their ride to get to the group home. Jun could hear a pin drop. He was wary and incredibly tense. At some point in the interview his jaw clenched and he hasn't yet relaxed, containing too many feelings.
The ride was awfully quiet. If anyone had asked Jun, he would've said the tension could be cut even with the dullest knife in Mars’ kitchen; but he doubted anyone else felt it too. He was obviously affected by all this, while no one seemed to care about it.
Once the door to their home closed, Jun relentlessly began, his voice loud. 'What the hell, Dylan? Why are you going around kissing people? Worst, why are you admitting to it for the whole world to hear!?'
Nano stilled at the sound, a bit shocked. Dylan, ever so unaffected, slowly moved towards the couch before taking a seat.
'What about it? I don’t see how this is any of your business,' Dylan's voice dripped calmness. He surely was the only calm person in the house.
'Nano just turned eighteen, for God’s sake! What do you mean ‘what about it’? When did that happen?' Jun was beginning to get exasperated. How were they not seeing the problem?
'Relax, Phi, it’s nothing serious! Just playing around!' Nano tried to ease the situation.
But his efforts were unsuccessful, as Dylan added 'Yeah, it’s not like we were dating each other.'
That only got Jun more pissed off. 'Well, you better not! Two members dating is a scandal we definitely don’t need,' he spoke as he started to pace around.
'For goodness sake, Jun, chill out. We were asked a messy question and we did what we could to handle it. Everything is fine.'
'You think? I can come up with a thousand better answers!' Jun, infuriated, moved his hands emphasizing. 'How about “we’re waiting for our lucky someone, still” or “the time has not come, but hopefully soon”! Really, anything would’ve been better than making Mars look like your personal harem.'
'Oi, what the fuck, Jun. You’re catastrophizing about nothing! Who I kiss is none of anyone’s business, so calm the fuck down!' Dylan tried to yell some sense into Jun, now provoked by his words.
'It very much is my business if you kissing around is going to ruin Mars! They’re children! How can you in good conscience kiss them?' Jun let out, accusing tone and all.
'Honestly, fuck you, Jun. You’re being insane.' Dylan's words had somehow regained calmness, as he got up from the sofa, heading towards the bedrooms with firm steps.
'Oh, am I?' Jun shouted, sarcasm dripping from every syllable, as Dylan walked away. 'Or are you the insane one?'
A thud was heard, Dylan’s door hitting the door frame aggressively, making the house vibrate.
Jun took a deep breath as he closed his eyes and grabbed the bridge of his nose. He let his body fall on the couch. He needed to calm down before his head exploded. He was going crazy, being the only rational one but no one understanding him.
They still didn’t know what effect their declarations could have on their reputation. He had never heard of any boyband saying anything as outrageous as they had.
Hell, gay marriage had been legal for only a couple of months after years of pushback. Everyone likes saying the world nowadays is so progressive and accepting, but some fans are okay with their idols being queer only if they aren't reminded of it. He'd seen famous people come out only to lose insane amounts of support; support they desperately needed if they were trying to survive their independent re-debut.
'P’Jun…' he got a bit startled, too much in his own mind, he had forgotten about Nano being there too.
'Hey, Nong,' he said softly 'Are you okay? I’m sorry you had to hear that.'
'You were too harsh on him, Phi. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal,' the younger said, voice cautious.
'Could you tell me? About the kiss, I mean. Were you okay with it?' He was trying to be soft and calm with Nano, but his voice came out strangled. He didn’t want to keep hearing about Dylan kissing other people. But he also needed to know.
'P’Jun. Why are you acting as if P’Dylan had groomed me, it’s really not that serious.'
'Please, could Nong tell Phi about it?'
Nano sighed. 'We had talked about it before. I wondered how kissing someone felt like. P’Dylan told me I was too young to experience it, at least until I turned eighteen. So, on my birthday, I dared him to kiss me. It was just a game. I asked for it, Phi.'
'Did you feel comfortable with it?'
'Yes. P’Dylan is very gentle.'
'Did you enjoy it?' There was a silence that extended longer than Jun though it should have. He raised his eyebrows questionably at Nano.
'Don’t look at me like that, all worried. It’s not what you think… Okay, what I’m going to say is kind of a big deal for me so…' Nano took a deep breath, sitting on the sofa too, before continuing, voice not too sure. 'I think I might be asexual?'
'Oh,' Jun let out, before pulling the younger one into a hug. He rubbed his back, 'do you want to tell me about it? Or maybe you need advice?'
Nano got out of Jun's embrace, but remained close. 'I’m still trying to figure it out. I’ve been thinking about it for some time now. That’s part of why I wanted P’Dylan to kiss me. It’s just… everyone figures this out early on… you knew you were bi when you were like, sixteen. I’m eighteen and I’ve never felt attracted to anyone. I’ve never even liked anyone. The idea of sex kind of repulses me, I don’t understand why anyone would want to do… that…'
Nano stopped, probably overthinking. Jun thought it might be a good time for him to answer. 'You’re still young, Nano. It’s normal to not want that when you’re young, many people don’t like the idea of it until they feel ready or meet the one.' That's how it had been for Jun, anyway.
'I don’t think that’s why. I don’t think I’ll ever feel like doing it. I don’t think I’ll ever meet my one. I’ve been on a couple of dates behind your backs… Sorry about that…' the boy forced a smile. 'But I didn’t like any of it. Like, I see objectively attractive people but feel nothing,' he sighed before continuing. 'People talk about magic kisses that solve all their problems and I wanted to know what that is like. P’Dylan is cute and, above all, I trust him. So I asked for it. And although the kiss was good, I think– I don’t ever want to do that again.'
'Maybe Dylan is just a bad kisser?' Jun replied, teasingly.
'It’s really not that, Phi.' Nano chuckled softly.
Jun saw the younger’s features soften, relieved.
'How do you feel?'
'Lighter,' there was a pause. 'It’s the first time I’ve said it aloud. Didn’t want to tell P’Dylan his kiss made me realise I don’t like kisses.' He scrunched his nose as a cheeky grin plastered all over.
'He will understand, though. If you want to tell him.' Jun said softly. Dylan might be mean to Jun, but never to Nano. He knew Dylan was understanding, thoughtful, someone who cared. About all of them, no matter how much he tried to pretend Jun's existence was the worst thing that had happened to the Universe.
'I know. I’ll get to it, eventually. One Mars member is good enough for tonight,' the younger clapped his hands as he raised from the sofa. 'Now, about you,' he said, finger pointing at the older, 'get your shit together. Stop spiraling over this, it’s not a big deal, it won’t ruin anything. Mars is here to stay.' Jun let out a heavy breath. 'Slutshaming is not cool.' Nano finalized with a sly face.
'I’m not slutshaming Dylan! He’s free to kiss anyone, heck, he could kiss everyone in Bangkok for all I care!' Jun began to get flustered again, remembering why they were even having this conversation. 'I just don’t think it’s the kind of business we should be literally airing on national television!'
Dylan had kissed everyone. He had kissed Nano, he had kissed Thame, he had kissed Pepper.
But not Jun. Never Jun.
Not only that, now the whole world knew he was the only loser who was not getting kissed.
'On P’Dylan’s defence, it was P’Thame’s doing. And on P’Thame’s defence… It was probably the first thing that came to his mind that wasn’t too incriminating.' Nano tried to reason, but to no avail. There was no reasoning with Jun on this state.
'Except it was incriminating. Now God knows what people are going to think happens in this house,' he sighed, slightly offended.
'You’re being too dramatic, even for you. Some friends kiss each other, it’s quite normal, actually.'
'How would you know? I have friends and I’ve never kissed them, because that’s not what friends do!'
'You mean to tell me you, who literally flirts with anything that moves, have not kissed any of your friends?'
'No?! I’ve never heard of anyone who does that? Besides Dylan, apparently. I still don’t even understand how he managed that.'
'You’re thinking about P’Dylan’s business too much,' the younger said lightly.
As if this whole deal wasn't tugging at Jun's heart.
How was he supposed to stop thinking about Dylan? It was the only thing he could do since they met. It was just a fact by now: the Earth is round, water is wet, Jun thinks about Dylan all day. And Dylan having kissed all Mars but him wasn’t something he was going to forget anytime soon.
'Just leave it! But make sure to apologise, you certainly were in the wrong just now. My breakfast tomorrow better not be awkward because of you two.' And with that, Nano left.
Jun stayed there for a while, processing the words.
He had always been laid back. He prided himself in it, not much affected him. Oh, but when something did… He was very hot headed, he had discovered. Too riled up his brain would get foggy, not really processing the words that came out of his mouth.
Truth is, he couldn’t even remember what he’d said to Dylan barely an hour ago. That only went to prove that he was probably in the wrong, as Nano had pointed out. Even if he hadn’t been in the wrong, he probably wasn’t nice about it. His tongue was sharp, especially when not controlled by his brain.
Jun needed to make things right. He couldn’t stand the idea of Dylan being mad at him for long.
As he got up and made his way to his room, he realized he was going to have a very rough night.
He was worked up, there was no denying it. But his anger had been incredibly missdirected. He had pretended to be mad at the revelation being in a live interview, potentially ruining their comeback, but he was angry about something else entirely; the fact that everything that was said in the interview turned out to be true.
Dylan hadn’t kissed him. And it was driving Jun insane.
Both Dylan and Nano had made it clear that this was none of his business, and they were right. Now matter how angry, jealous or sad it made him feel, who Dylan kissed was none of his concern…
Except he couldn’t stop being concerned.
What do you mean Dylan kissed his friends? He kissed anyone that came too close to him? How many people had that even been?
To say he was jealous was an understatement. He was beginning to feel quite upset at the whole thing. Why had Dylan never kissed him? Jun had challenged him. Jun had definitely come too close to Dylan’s face. Why did everyone get a kiss except for him?
God knew how damn much Jun had wanted to close the gap that separated his from Dylan’s face every time a silly argument got too heated. It turns out, if it had been anyone else, Dylan would’ve closed the gap himself!
If it were anyone but Jun.
Jun had been staring at his dark ceiling for a while when, against his better judgement, he grabbed his phone. He ignored Thame’s and Pepper’s messages asking him to calm down, saying none of this was a big deal anyway.
It was a big deal! But none of them would get it.
He went straight to Twitter. He had made a burner account a while ago, no posts, no followers, just fans in his timeline. Their spheres were such lovely fans, anytime Jun was feeling unconfident he would go to this little haven of his to feel better. And it had come in handy when the whole Per scandal came around. So he figured he’d collect some intel about the infamous interview.
What he saw slightly surprised him. Apparently no media outlet had published anything about it; only fans doing the talking. And more than talking, they were having a field day. On one hand, they were laughing about what Dylan had said, depicting all kinds of situations. On the other hand, they were making fun of Jun. They seemed to be amused at the fact that Dylan had kissed everyone but him.
At least someone was enjoying this.
He sure wasn’t.
He kept scrolling for a while. He found a video that zoomed in on his face throughout the whole exchange, captioned 'an open book'. He played the video a couple of times; Dylan’s voice filling his ears as he saw his own face go through a hundred emotions. He had a horrible realization: everyone could tell he was insanely jealous from watching the video alone, and it was only a matter of time until Mars realized it too.
Mortification washed over him. He restarted scrolling quickly, as if that way the truth would disappear.
He came across the original video. Barely over one minute. One minute that had ruined his life, if he was allowed the dramatics. He played it, the interviewer’s question filling the quiet room. He scanned everyone’s reaction as the interview unfolded; he’d been the only one not to find it amusing, frown permanently inked in his face.
And then, the camera focused only on Dylan. Very close. He jolted away, the image of the pink-haired boy suddenly too close, startling him. Only then did Jun realize how close he’d had his phone screen all this time.
He regained his focus on the video; on Dylan’s face. He noticed how much he moved his lips as he spoke. Dylan’s lips extended and contracted as he enunciated and Jun was hypnotized. His pink lipstick, contrasting hard against his pale face but matching amazingly with his now fading pink hair, only made the whole experience more tortuous for Jun.
And then, catching him off guard, came the pout. Dylan actually pouted. Jun's body stiffened. He pouted after complaining no one had kissed him. And Jun felt the last bits of sanity leave his body. He replayed the last seconds instantly.
'-doing all the kissing around here, but no one has kissed me yet!'
Pout.
'-me! I’m doing all the kissing around here, but no one has kissed me yet!'
POUT.
'-o one has kissed me yet!'
POUT.
Jun felt ill. How had no one kissed Dylan yet? He sure wanted to, especially every time he saw those pouty lips. If Jun had it his way, Dylan would never utter such words again. He’d instead complain about how much he was getting kissed. Too many kisses.
He turned off the screen before letting the phone fall on the bed. He knew what he had to do: fix his mess. He hated every second of Dylan being mad at him, even if he deserved it.
If he wanted to make any sense tomorrow when he tried to redeem himself for being a dick, he should be sleeping by now. At this pace, the only thing his body would be able to do was jump Dylan and kiss him senseless, and that would certainly not help his case.
Not if he planned to keep pretending all of this was over relationships between bandmates potentially ruining Mars, anyway.
Jun closed his eyes, stilled his body and evened his breathing.
Pouty pink lips lulled him to sleep.
Jun woke up early with renewed clarity, determined to make things right. If Dylan hadn’t kissed him, he wouldn’t give him more reasons not to do it. If Dylan enjoyed kissing his friends, Jun would become the bestest of friends. And if still then Dylan wouldn’t kiss him, then he’d shoot himself. Literally.
He had never had much clarity when it came to Dylan anyway.
What was the use of living if it was not to taste the prettiest lips he’d seen? The fact that they were attached to Dylan, the love of his life, was a huge bonus too.
From now on, he was on his best behaviour. He’d fix his mess.
Or so he hoped.
He got out of bed and made sure he looked good —otherwise, how would Dylan want to kiss him?. He checked whether both Nano and Dylan were still in their rooms before heading to the kitchen and starting to prepare breakfast for everyone.
Jun and Dylan quarreled often; too often for Pepper’s sanity. It was mostly lighthearted, just banter. Jun loved getting Dylan’s attention and, over the years, he’d come to the conclusion that messing with him was the most effective way. It made sense for them.
Things rarely escalated, but when they did, it was most of the times Jun’s doing. He’d go a bit too far, cross an invisible line he wasn’t even aware of, and Dylan would get pissed. The rapper would lock himself in his room and eventually, after calming down, he’d come out. He would not utter a word, not even glance in Jun's direction, sulking still.
Jun never apologised, though. Not with words at least. Kissing and making up was not on the table, to his disappointment; the next best thing was a peace offering.
Once, Jun had handed Dylan a water bottle at practice with a bashful smile. Then, everything went back to normal. Another time, Dylan walked into his room to find all his laundry folded —Jun was very aware of how much the boy hated folding but loved having his clothes neatly organized. After it, Dylan wasn't mad anymore. Sometimes, Jun would stock the freezer with Dylan’s favourite strawberry-flavoured ice-cream. And that would've been the end of it.
Today, it was breakfast for three.
Truth be told, Jun enjoyed doing things for Dylan, maybe too much. But the nature of their relationship inhibited him most times. If it was Nano, Per or Thame, he wouldn’t second guess before buying them a small gift or making lunch for them.
Everything was different with Dylan, always had been. If he bought him a gift, Dylan would probably be weirded out. If he cooked for him unpromptedly, Dylan would probably assume Jun was trying to poison him and refuse to eat.
This morning, he had the chance to do something nice for the boy he liked, ready to prove his love and appreciation silently.
Jun was grinning like an idiot, too in his own mind, fantasizing about cooking for his love every day, that he didn’t hear the door creaking open. It wasn’t until Dylan was right in front of his eyes that he noticed.
He was standing there, an arm length away but so out of Jun's reach. Bedhead, pink hair pointing in every direction, eyes sleepy, deep frown and light pout. It was Jun's best view. He hoped he got to see this face for all the mornings left of his life. Dylan was so breathtaking; Jun thought he deserved to live in a museum. If Jun had it his way, though, Dylan wouldn't leave their home. Only for him to admire, to worship.
Dylan starred directly into Jun’s soul, probably imagining his head exploding.
'Good morning, Dyl’,' Jun let out, cheeky grin and all, as he continued to stir the eggs in the pan. 'Breakfast will be ready in five.'
Dylan arched a brow, eyes still puffy with sleep.
'Go sit, I’ll bring everything to the table.' Dylan slowly walked and plopped down on his unassigned-assigned seat, right in front of Jun’s. No matter how mad Dylan was, he always eased into Jun’s attention. Jun hoped that —deep, deep down— Dylan enjoyed it, too.
He started to bring the plates to the table, entering Dylan’s personal space bubble but careful not to graze him.
'Don’t come too close. I might kiss you and ruin Mars.' Jun froze at that.
No, no, no, no.
It wasn't supposed to go like that.
Over the years, they had become experts at avoiding uncomfortable topics. Dylan often would get mad, but never address why. He would simply accept Jun's care and pretend nothing had happened.
The day finally came, apparently, where the elephant in the room was so big that it was suffocating them.
Jun gazed down, seeing the rapper's jaw tight as he looked away, anywhere but in Jun’s direction.
He had to make things right.
'Dyl’,' he lets out, voice lower, not as gleeful but insistent. Jun took a seat next to Dylan, a spot that didn’t belong to him. 'Hey…' Jun grabbed the pink-haired boy's hand cautiously.
'Look at me, please.' Despite everything, Dylan faced him, stern look, disbelief all over his features.
'I’m so sorry about last night, Dyl’. I was so out of line,' he began, voice softer, quieter. It was a heavy contrast to his loud, always teasing voice, but this was serious for him, he wanted Dylan to realize it. 'You were right, who you decide to kiss is not my business,' he swallowed thickly, the confession burning him from the inside. 'I know this is in no way a valid excuse, but… I was upset.'
Jun silenced himself, thoughts running miles per hour. He added quickly, words stumbling over themselves, 'I thought we might get into another scandal… we barely made it out alive last time and I'm so scared of losing you…' He cleared his throat before clarifying, 'you all.'
He breathed deeply, starting to get affected by his own words. He truly had messed up. If Dylan decided to hate him for the rest of their lives, he would've understood. He had crossed a line, overstepped into not only Dylan's but Nano's, Thame's and Per's privacy. What they chose to do in their free time was only bound to themselves.
As long as everything had been clear and consented, it was nobody's business but their own, no matter how entitled Jun felt to his own emotions about it. He should've buried them deep, where they belong, instead of making them everyone else’s problem. He felt like crying. Why was he such a mess?
'I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that, I'm very sorry. I mishandled my emotions,' Jun’s voice cracked.
He lowered his head, all the embarrassment having hit at once. Dylan still hadn't said a word and Jun started doubting if he was actually listening to his pleas. He was starting to get extremely frustrated at the lack of response.
'I-i'm really sorry, Dylan, I didn't… I didn't me-an to make you feel ashamed or anything.' Jun wasn't crying. Not yet. But he sure was on the brink of tears, the lump in his throat evident in the way his words came out strangled. Still, no answer, so he continued, desperate for forgiveness. 'You’re free to do whatever you want, that includes kissing as many people as you’d like.' Tears were running down his flushed cheeks now. 'I fucked up and- and I’m very sorry. I hope you can accept my apologies.'
'You’re an asshole, Jun. I hope you know that,' Dylan answered for the first time that morning, as he turned his body to put his arms around a now softly sobbing Jun. At the contact, the boy only cried louder. 'Stop it, you idiot,' the rapper whispered now. 'I accept your apologies. I understand. I'm scared too, I don't want to lose you, either,' he paused, before adding 'any of you.'
Silence stretched longer as Dylan held Jun, rubbing soothing circles in his back, trying to calm him down. Although Jun was now quieter, Dylan’s pajamas were getting wetter and wetter, so he let go of the boy in his arms, trying to lock their gazes.
'Hey, stop crying,' he asked again as he cupped his face with both hands, wiping the tears away. Jun cracked at that, sobbing louder.
He felt miserable and, somehow, Dylan being kind for maybe the first time since they met was not helping. Why was he understanding? Why was he comforting Jun? He should be yelling at him. He deserves it.
'I'm so tired, Dyl’,' he said slowly, getting more anguished by the thought. 'Why do I al-ways fuck up? I'm sorry I'm an asshole. I'm so-rry I make you ma-ad. I want to make you smile. A-nd breakfast is cold now.' Jun let out, hiccups in between, before pouting.
Dylan chuckled at that. 'I’m going to eat the breakfast you made me even if it's cold, mhm? Stop crying now.'
Jun's pout intensified at that.
The silence stretched longer as Dylan still caressed Jun's cheeks, looking at his face. But the brunet's gaze was in his lap, watching his hands playing nervously.
'Have you never kissed me because I make you mad?' He let out, voice tiny. 'I’m sorry, Phi.'
Dylan freezed, his light touches on Jun's skin stilled. He was stunned by the question, startled by the honorific; too unfamiliar.
To say Dylan was Jun's Phi was a stretch. With a mere three months between their births, they never got around calling each other Phi and Nong; it felt odd. They were contemporaries, if you will, but certainly not Phi-Nong. So Jun using it caught Dylan by surprise, evident in his slightly more opened eyes.
Jun was rarely vulnerable. He wasn't a crier, but the type of person who'd dismiss feelings, bottling everything up, pretending things were fine until it was obvious they weren't and everything exploded. All the stress he'd carried since his trainee days, all the weight of being a celebrity, the anguished nights thinking about those contracts Thame had signed in secret, all the love he'd been trying to hide for years, it all caught up to him at once; everything cracked when he'd learnt that Mars was disbanding. He only allowed himself to cry when he reached his sister's arms; the one who had always protected him from the world.
That day, when he cried for the first time since he was a kid, he realized he still cried like one, looking for protection in his Phi's embrace. And this little secret, the one that had belonged only to himself for the longest time, was revealed to Dylan in a slip of Jun's tongue.
Still, he didn't dare take it back. It was fitting. Dylan might have never been his Phi, but in that kitchen, he was. He hugged and consoled Jun just as his sister had, all those times. Without realizing, Dylan was protecting Jun from his own thoughts.
'Hey, look at me. You don’t make me mad. I was upset last night, but you apologized and it’s all good now. We’re okay… You don’t have to cry, Junnie.' And the brunet felt his heart stop for a second, before it immediately began to thunder in his chest.
The nickname felt as strange to Jun’s ears as it had been for Dylan’s tongue.
A too love-struck sixteen year old Jun had suggested his crush use that nickname; Dylan only shot him a glare that read ‘I will not’. Look how the tables have turned.
The memories of his heart thumping loudly for Dylan since they first met, even if the cold boy kept pushing Jun away, had gotten him feeling weak, his shame crumbling. He wanted Dylan, badly. It was driving him insane, it had been driving him insane for too long.
'Why won’t you kiss me, then?' Jun let out, voice small, almost a whisper, as some tears still slipped from his eyes. He was afraid of the answer, but he also couldn’t wait any longer. Dylan remained quiet. 'Is N’Jun not handsome enough?'
'Junnie is very handsome, okay? Please, don’t cry.' Dylan's voice hurried, sounding desperate, trying to regain control of the situation.
Jun was quiet for a moment. Then, with newfound bravery at the information —Dylan thought he was handsome! very handsome, in fact!— he dried his tears and asked what he’d longed for all those years. 'Kiss me, Phi,' he let out, as adrenaline rushed through his body and his heart beat louder.
'Jun…'
'Please, Phi. Only one kiss. I want you to kiss me too,' Jun pleaded hurriedly and shamelessly, before Dylan could even think about saying no. At this point, Jun didn’t care how pathetic he looked, he was tired of pretending kissing Dylan wasn’t the only thing in his mind. He was ready to beg for those lips he’d long for. No matter how long it took.
The rapper swallowed. 'Junnie… do you really want me to kiss you… or do you just don’t want to be left out?' The voice was careful.
'I want you to kiss me,' he hurried. 'Please. P’Dyl’, let me kiss you.' There was no answer. 'Please, Phi.'
'Does… N’Jun want to kiss P’Dylan?' a soft whisper that wouldn't have been heard if Jun wasn't right there, face getting closer and closer.
'Yes, Phi, so much,' he let out, heart excited with the possibility.
Dylan looked away before he started nodding, as if trying to make peace with the situation. 'Okay… Kiss me.'
Jun’s face brightened, lips slightly curling from giddiness. His heart thumped quickly from the anticipation. Only then it dawned on him; he didn’t know what to do. But he was not going to let his thoughts win, not when such opportunity presented itself. If this was his only chance to kiss Dylan, he was gonna make the most of it. He leaned in more, all determination but not much certainty.
As they got closer and closer, Jun felt Dylan’s breathing tickling his skin, his eyes immediately looking down at the lips he’d been craving. He cupped the other boy’s face gently, as Dylan’s fingers shyly looked for his waist, settling there. Jun was extremely conscious of all their contact points; Dylan’s hand, warm over his worn pajama shirt, his own hands caressing the pinkish cheeks, their noses almost bumping. He was afraid his heart might jump out of his chest.
Being now inches apart, Jun slightly twisted his head and closed the gap between their lips, both too suddenly and finally, after years of wanting. He was clueless about what he was doing but so eager to enjoy it.
The kiss was delicate and chaste. He felt the softness of Dylan’s damp lips caressing his, and a whole zoo in his stomach. His face was too hot, all his blood rushing to his cheeks. He pressed their lips a bit harder.
How long was a kiss supposed to be? Jun didn’t know, he just knew he wanted to live in that moment forever.
After some more seconds, Jun pulled away, out of air and panting softly. Dylan’s head followed his, drunk from the kiss, until the tip of their noses bumped. Jun’s lips parted into a smile as he looked at the pink-haired, his face looking hypnotized. But his proud grin didn’t last much, as Dylan reconnected their lips, both their eyes immediately fluttering close.
Their second kiss wasn’t chaste. Dylan took control and it was evident he knew what he was doing. One of the boy's hands abandoned Jun’s waist, only to find his cheek and tilt his head. Dylan parted his lips, urging the other to do the same. Jun was caught off guard when the rapper slipped his tongue into his mouth, his body immediately heating. He pushed every hesitation out of his mind and let himself enjoy Dylan’s mouth on his. He moved his hands and tangled his fingers in the pink hair, dyed by his own hands. He remembers how close they were that day, how nervous he was, and his pushing urges to kiss Dylan senseless. And now Dylan was kissing him.
Dylan’s tongue turned their kiss eager, before it softened again, lips brushing carefully. In that moment, Jun did his biggest effort to let Dylan know how much he had loved him all these years, only to feel him admit the same.
Jun had been dreading the end of their kissing since the start; but when their lips separated, both of them out of breath, he looked into his favourite pair of eyes, finding he had nothing to be scared of. So he closed his eyes again, resting his forehead on Dylan’s.
They stayed like that, foreheads pressed as they breathed the same air, Jun playing with pink strands of hair, while Dylan caressed his waist. He wished it would have lasted forever.
But the comfortable silence they had fallen into was broken.
'Oi, P’Jun! I asked for my breakfast not to be awkward, what is this?'
They pulled away quickly, startled by the voice. Jun’s face was red once again, while Dylan’s features were tinted with annoyance.
Dylan looked for Jun’s gaze before whispering softly, 'we’ll finish this later, hm?'
Jun, too embarrassed to say anything else, could only nod.
'Sit down, I’ll reheat your breakfast,' Dylan deadpanned as he stood up.
Nano took his seat, in front of the one Jun was still usurping. It used to be Thame’s unassigned-assigned seat, but he wasn’t coming to claim it anytime soon, being all too settled in P’Po’s apartment by now. So Jun was going to stay right there, by Dylan’s side.
Nano looked at Jun, question mark plastered over his face but trying to hide a smile. 'I take it you two made up?'
'Hm, yeah… something like that,' Jun answered as he scratched his nose. He was small in his chair, still shy about everything that happened.
'Why is your face all messed up? Did P’Dylan make you cry?'
'Oi, what do you mean? My face is beautiful.'
'You look like a tomato about to burst, Phi.' Jun heard Dylan’s faint laugh from where he stood next to the stove.
He got up from his seat, heading to the bathroom while muttering to himself. He wasn’t staying by Dylan’s side, actually, because he was mean. Dylan was all ‘oh, Jun, you’re so handsome’ ‘oh, Jun, kiss me’ but still had the gut to laugh at him. He was the one who made Jun cry in the first place!
Asshole.
No matter how much they kissed, Dylan was still making fun of him.
But his rambling was cut short when Jun looked at himself in the mirror. He panicked.
Oh God. What the hell?
His eyes were impossibly small, puffed up from all the crying. His nose was red and his skin blotchy. His cheeks looked stiff from the dried tears. He was mortified as the most devastating thought crossed his mind: Dylan had seen him like this. And he had laughed. How he would still find Jun handsome after this was a mystery. He could only hope.
At least his eyelashes looked pretty from the tears. And his lips looked pink and soft, Dylan’s doing.
Jun smiled as he turned on the faucet, damping his face with cold water. After a while, the swelling of his eyes was reduced and his skintone looked more even.
Good enough.
He checked himself in the mirror one last time, refixing his hair, before heading back to the dining room.
As he walked down the hallway, his confidence began to crumble, the thought of having breakfast with Dylan making him shy.
'Wow, you’ve revived fast, Phi,' Nano let out, catching Dylan’s attention. The pink-haired boy, now back at the table, turned around to see Jun, his lips lightly curling upwards as they locked eyes.
Okay, maybe he was going to stay next to Dylan after all. Jun was a man with no principles.
As he sat, Dylan’s gaze still followed him.
'I don’t know what’s going on with all the eye-fucking, but I don’t want to be here. I’ve got places to be, people to meet…' the youngest trailed off as he stood up.
That made Dylan’s eyes finally look away, analyzing Nano now.
'And who are you supposed to meet? It's our day off so don’t even try saying you're going to the studio,' Dylan asked before sipping from his mug, like a parent questioning his child.
Jun couldn’t stop watching, his imagination running wild.
He would set fire to himself before admitting it, but he had fantasized about Dylan for years.
It was only natural at first.
Jun had met Dylan at his first ever dance group practice and was immediately drawn. There were some other trainees, but the truth is Jun’s gaze couldn’t take off from the boy. He kept looking at him through the mirror while they practiced —missing a couple of steps in the process. It was captivating the way he flowed with the music; he stood out. When they took a break and everyone began chatting in groups, Jun took his chance to approach the boy that had caught his eye, only to be met with a cold stare as he tried to introduce himself.
Everyday, they would see each other at group practice. And every free second, Jun would find Dylan and chat his ear off, even if the boy barely replied. It had become their little routine, and Dylan didn’t seem to mind. One of Jun’s biggest fears about becoming a trainee was not making any friends, but he had Dylan now. And he was going to stick to him forever, he had decided.
Everything was great. They would train together, talk, and every once in a while Dylan would accept Jun’s constant invitations to go out for coffee.
Then came the day that changed Jun’s life. It was quite silly, actually. They were learning a very fast paced choreography and all of them were struggling big time. When the coach finally gave them a break, Jun leaned on one of the walls, trying to control his breathing. He saw Dylan approach him. And then… Dylan lifted his shirt, trying to dry off his sweaty face, but gracing Jun’s sightline with a toned abdomen in the process. It was safe to say Jun’s breath only got more erratic.
Once he had gotten home, hours later, he was still panicked. He was not new to the whole teenage-hormones thing, but he had never been this affected. Especially not over a boy. So Jun took matters into his own hands to get to the bottom of this. It was only logical for him to go online and google famous men, going through hundreds and hundreds of photos. And then came the shirtless pictures. The modelling-for-an-underwear-brand photos.
Jun was liking it a bit too much.
At sixteen, he thought he had everything figured out. Turns out it wasn’t that he didn’t like boys, he just wasn’t looking at the right boys.
Since then, Jun’s days consisted of following Dylan around the company like a lost puppy. His nights, on the other hand, consisted of thinking about Dylan. Eventually, he made peace with the fact that he didn’t only find him hot, but he was painfully in love with him.
At first, he fantasized about Dylan confessing he liked Jun too. Then, he would daydream about being his boyfriend and taking him out on dates. As time went by, Jun’s little Dylan-drunk brain would keep raising the stakes. They would be living together. Then, Dylan would propose, expressing his undying love. Immediately after, he would fuck Jun, obviously. Then, they would get married on the beach.
And now, Jun fantasized about them raising a child together. They’d adopt a cute little Chinese girl, just like her father. And Dylan would put her hair in little piggy tails and Jun would drive them to kindergarten to drop her off. Later, they would go together to pick–
'Oi, P’Jun!' He was brought back to reality by an insistent Nano. Jun was starting to get annoyed; first, the younger had interrupted his and Dylan’s moment, and now he’d killed their daughter! 'A little help here?'
'Huh?'
‘I just think that if you’re dating someone, you should let us know. It’s for your safety.’ The rapper explained.
‘But I’m not dating anyone! P’Jun, please!’
‘Dyl’, you’ve got nothing to worry about, Nano’s not dating anyone,’ Jun tried to settle. The pink-haired boy looked directly at him. Oh, how he loved those eyes.
‘How can you be so sure of it?’ Disbelief in his features.
‘I just know,’ Jun said softly before turning his head. ‘Nano, you don’t need our permission to go out,’ he added, matter-of-factly.
‘Well… I was hoping I could take the car…’ That’s what all this was about, then.
‘Oh, you are so not taking my car, young boy.’ If Dylan was the love of his life, that car was the very next thing. He wouldn’t let anyone near the wheel, not even Dylan. He wouldn’t let it get totaled before he got to drive his babygirl to kindergarten.
‘Please, Phi! My friend’s house is so far away!’ the youngest pleaded.
He suspected this was a consequence of Nano spending all his money on sneakers, again. The boy never learnt, huh? ‘Take a taxi, Nano. I’ll even pay for it, just leave my car alone,’ he ended the issue, slightly annoyed.
‘Thanks, Thanks, Thanks!’ The boy said as he got around the table before he hugged Jun briefly and ran to his room.
‘You spoil him too much,’ Dylan said before taking another sip of his coffee. Jun only shrugged his shoulders.
They fell into silence; it wasn’t awkward, but it wasn’t comfortable either. Jun was too aware of how much they needed to talk about what happened. He didn’t know what to feel or expect.
He loved Dylan and he suspected —more like hoped — Dylan liked him back.
But how would that even work? Mars was already over the whole ‘no dating’ rule, especially since going independent. Jun feared his and Dylan’s situation was different. First of all, would Mars even accept it? The band could be collateral damage to anything that might happen between them and, with their record, shit was sure to happen; both of them were too hot-headed. Then, would the fans hate them for it? Jun knew he wasn’t the only one out there who loved Dylan, and he wondered how much support they’d lose when they admit to be dating. If they ever did. Because, did Dylan want this too? They had kissed, and it had meant the world to Jun, but Dylan had kissed so many people before, too. What if this meant nothing to the pink-haired? Now that Jun had learnt what love tasted like, he doubted he could go back to not kissing Dylan. Jun would die of a broken heart.
‘I can hear your thinking,’ the source of his worries interrupted Jun’s crisis. ‘There’s no reason to panic,’ all too calmly.
‘There are too many reasons to panic,’ Jun whispered.
‘We’ll sort this out together, Junnie,’ Dylan reassured softly and Jun could only nod back, doubtful, his heart beating a little wilder.
Was Dylan going to call him Junnie from now on?
Jun tried to eat something, but his stomach was in a knot. Eventually, he gave up. He kept Dylan company, stealing one or two —maybe three or four— glances, as the boy continued eating the breakfast Jun had prepared for him.
When Jun got up to clear the table, Dylan motioned he’d do it. ‘Thank you for breakfast, Junnie. Go take care of Nano.’
So Jun did. He went to his room to look for his wallet, then to the front door, where Nano was already putting on his shoes.
‘There you go, Nong,’ Jun said as he handed enough money for the taxi.
‘You two better be dating when I come back. Good luck, Phi,’ Nano answered, before winking.
Jun stilled for a second, a surge of fresh air hit his face with the door being quickly opened and closed.
Just like that, Nano had disappeared; leaving just Jun and Dylan in the house.
Jun fell to the couch as he closed his eyes. He was starting to get anxious; there was no escaping this now, he’d have to face the music.
He avoided talking about his feelings like the plague. He had never been someone articulate or expressive. Add to that the amount of contradictory emotions he often felt at once, making it almost impossible to pinpoint. Words were too small to encompass the chaos within him. So he’s dreading what’s to come.
Jun knew he loved Dylan. That might be the one thing he’s sure about; it has been the constant in his life. But he’d lived in his dreams for too long, and now, faced with the possibility of it all coming crashing down, he felt his brain freeze.
He smelled strawberry shampoo before he heard anything. He opened one eye to peek at Dylan, only to close it back immediately as he found his eyes already on him.
Jun felt his soul shake at the thought of not being able to kiss Dylan again. He didn’t want to hear it had all been a mistake.
What if he faked his death?
‘Jun,’ the pink-haired boy called as he took a seat. Jun opened his eyes.
‘What happened to Junnie?’ he teased with a sly grin. Maybe it was too late for plan A, but he still got plan B: divert.
‘Don’t try to change the subject. We have to talk about this,’ he said, like trying to reason with a child, shattering both Jun’s plan and smile.
Out of ideas now, he tried to at least stall his utmost embarrassment. ‘…Do you want to begin?’
‘Not really,’ Dylan simply said. Rude, it was only a rhetorical question!
‘I was hoping you would…’ There was a small silence.
Jun had a choice: seal his own fate, pretend he wasn’t painfully in love and give up on kissing Dylan ever again or spill his heart out and hope Dylan was kind enough not to crash it.
While his brain overworked, his eyes traced the whole living room. And then he saw his strategy. At least it wouldn’t be as terrible as a proper confession. ‘Okay, let's do this,’ he said as he grabbed the post-it notes that were by the side table. ‘We write down how we feel about this. If it matches, we talk about it. If it doesn’t, we can just pretend it never happened,’ he proposed as he handed a sticky note pad and a pen to the boy in front of him.
Jun saw Dylan bite his lower lips as he began nodding. Why was he torturing him like that?
The rapper began scribbling and Jun’s nerves only increased. He fixed his eyes on the empty post-it. He wasn’t sure what to write. Maybe ‘I like you’, conservatively. Maybe ‘I’m in love with you’, more honestly. Maybe ‘I want to kiss you again’, his deepest desire.
Jun thought about Dylan.
His plump lips, his small eyes, his pretty nose, his soft hair. Dylan’s abdomen, what got Jun into this mess to begin with. His loud laugh, the way he tucked his long hair behind his ears, how his cheeks would turn pink when fans complimented him too much. They way his body rolled when they were on stage, how angelic his voice was the few times he sang, how skilled he was at writing songs. How passionate he was about Mars.
He thought about how they met, their not-dates in little cafes, that one time they had a sleepover, all the late night dance practices. The time when they were told they’d debut together, the time when they were told they had to disband. He thought about Dylan looking for him on rainy nights, all those times they quarrelled, how good they were at plotting Mars’ reunion when they worked together.
He thought about the night before; the interview, the fight, the kiss.
He thought about everything he’d dreamed of since he met Dylan. How he wanted the rest of his life to be like.
And Jun knew.
So he wrote it down.
When he looked up at Dylan, he saw the boy was done, post-it hidden between his hand and his chest, looking at him attentively.
‘You ready?’ the pink-head let out in a soft voice.
‘...No?’
‘C’mon. We close our eyes, and on the count of three, we look.’ Jun answered by closing his eyes. ‘One,’ Dylan whispered. Jun felt like he was a second away from fainting. ‘Two.’ His sweaty hands had already damped his confession by now. ‘Three.’
The only thing Jun felt was his heart beating uncontrollably. He didn’t open his eyes, but he showed his piece of paper, hands trembling.
‘Jun. You cheated. Open your eyes, now,’ Dylan said in a stern voice that only made Jun’s heart sink.
‘I can’t,’ his voice came out weak and choked.
‘What do you mean you can’t?’ Dylan questioned back, insistent, before adding a softer ‘C’mon, Junnie.’ Maybe Jun could hope.
‘I’m scared.’
‘About?’
‘You read my post-it. You know what I’m scared about.’
‘Do you think I wasn’t scared? I still opened my eyes, Jun. We had a deal.’
‘Please, just… Let’s forget about all this. Save me the embarrassment,’ he pleaded. He’d figured never kissing Dylan again because he didn’t know if it was mutual was way better than confirming it wasn’t. He wouldn’t survive that.
‘I’m not letting you back out on me. Open your eyes or I’ll open them myself.’
‘How eve-’ And before Jun could finish his question, he was shut by Dylan’s lips pecking his. Harsh and quick.
His eyes shot open, only to be met by a pink post-it with the words “I love you” scribbled in Dylan’s messy handwriting.
Jun’s heart started doing such weird things he wondered if that was his end. At least he’d pass away happily.
Dylan loved him.
‘I want you to be my boyfriend too,’ the rapper answered Jun’s post-it, as he lowered his own and looked for the other’s gaze.
Jun’s brain shut down. He couldn’t react, stuck looking into Dylan’s eyes.
Dylan loved him.
Dylan wanted Jun to be his boyfriend.
Dylan, Dylan, Dylan.
Jun wanted to kiss Dylan.
‘You do?’ He ended up asking after a couple of minutes, voiced tinted with disbelief. He needed to confirm it.
‘Yes, dumbass.’
‘Okay,’ he said, small, as he tried to suppress the excited grin that threatened to part his face. Jun looked at Dylan, admiring him. He couldn’t believe this was happening. All those nights he’d spent thinking how being Dylan’s boyfriend would feel like fell incredibly short. The joy was overpowering.
He wondered how he’d manage to ever stop thinking about Dylan.
He probably wouldn’t.
Dylan.
His boyfriend.
Jun needed to scream before he exploded.
‘Stop staring, weirdo,’ Jun’s boyfriend said, shyly.
‘Let me kiss you, then,’ Jun begged. His boyfriend nodded.
So he threw himself at Dylan and kissed him until they ran out of air. And then Jun kissed his boyfriend again, and again, and again.
He had many years to make up for.
They could talk about it later.