Work Text:
Once again, I am on my knees.
Once again, the jagged moonlight reflects off my flowing tears.
But you are here.
Your apathetic eyes bore into me, sharper than any moonlight could ever be.
My eyes gaze back at myself in a mirror, one that unmasks this fabricated royal veil.
Though I longed evermore for our paths to cross again, everything of you is more distant to me than ever now.
The sweet bliss of your shivering waist beneath my protective touch is all but an ethereal dream, entirely shrouded in light to where one object is not discernible from the next.
And yet, my heart has not forgotten those moments.
You made my heart ache for so long, and now, you finally gave it what it so desired.
You gifted my heart with yourself.
You poisoned my heart with yourself.
You inflicted upon me the most potent venom, one that makes reality fade with so much as the gracious wisp of your fingers.
I drift my eyes upward from the reflection that taunts me.
To you, my love.
But there is no love in your eyes.
There is no smile to take solace in.
There is only a brutal, cold stare that penetrates my soul without struggle.
But within the changing of the moment, I see the slightest upward curve of your mouth.
A fruitless hope blossoms in me, much like this room’s cursed roses.
A hope that you might take the ultimate pity upon me, to perhaps retrace our steps, so that you might cut me, coddle me, and kill me again.
If all just once more so that I might fantasize again that I hold some place, any place, in your heart.
But just as I long for such a fantasy, you cloak yourself in our expired facade.
Your dead eyes brighten and you clasp your hands together, startling the tears off my broken features.
“But oh me! It is getting quite late!”
Your voice is chipper. Bright. Happy.
How I long to press the sound onto an old record, one that blesses me with the light in your voice, that I might never be without the sound of joy in your voice.
“Now, my dear one, I will have quite a bit of work coming in for quite some time… I do hope you will understand, but I will be gone for a… substantial time.”
The light, airy sighs from your lips upon the last words sends my heart into an endless abyss.
Surely, I begin to think, you will vanish any moment, leaving me alone to my unmasked reality without the courtesy as an additional spoken word.
Surely, this is when you will leave me to decay and to rot, as I was meant to all along.
“But I’d never wish to leave you with such a curt exchange, would I?”
Would you? I do not know anymore.
Your love has killed me in more ways than one, what would one more death at its hands be?
And though I have no doubt you will kill me again, I find myself in the need to still my fluttering heart as I see your body move towards me.
Your feet step towards me, so gracefully, like an angel.
Your arms extend out, so lovingly and elegant, their reach taunting me.
“Let me leave you with a kiss, my dear one…”
I see through your ruse.
I know you know I see through your ruse.
But it simply does not matter.
My heart pounds violently, so yearning for whatever affection you might bestow upon me.
And I cannot help but pursue you.
I am too frail to ever resist you again.
I drop the mirror as my skin longs to be soothed from the cruel ache of loneliness.
Your skin is like the welcoming light of the morning sun.
It presses into mine, enveloping my hands in your control.
In a majestic motion, you pull my hands high, so that our fingers nearly touch the ceiling.
With our arms pointed towards the heavens, our bodies are pulled close to another so close our noses barely separate.
With your will alone, you create a step of distance between us, reaching our arms down as my hands still fall under your control.
You hold yourself with such a wondrous sense I cannot help but adore.
My tears fall softer now, yet they still fall.
You once said you do not revel in others’ misery, but you revel in mine.
You understand how my heart beats for you, and take advantage with such mercilessness.
Even knowing such, I cannot bring myself to hate you.
I truly believe now, that I could never hate you.
Your touch is my lifeline, of which I am completely helpless without.
In the performative dance for an audience of ourselves, you take the leading role, and swing my form to your liking.
Your eyes momentarily show their true colors, meeting mine with a clear window to your dead heart.
Though even in my irreversible pain, the next moments are nothing short of a savior’s blessing.
A gracious reprieve from the torment we have both come to understand, a torment that has embraced us both before.
I realize the familiar sensation of your lips crashing onto mine, with such a force that we are flung onto the lone bed.
Our bodies viciously lean into another and our lips carelessly slide across one another’s.
Your fingers slither in the openings of mine, perfectly interlocking our hands together.
To feel you on my flesh again is to burn with an infernal intensity, one I would never wish to cease.
My subconscious demands me to claw my fingers into your hands, and I obey, perhaps believing that if I intrude your flesh that you might not leave me.
The passion bleeds from my mouth, for I am no longer my own.
My once elegant sighs have become whorish moans directly unto your tongue.
I can feel a smile form upon your lips as you feed me your sweet, poisoned love.
And though my eyes are shut, and there is but blackness, I know it is such a sinister smile.
One that triumphs above me in wicked victory, one that knows I cannot live without you.
If only I were to meld your flesh with mine, so it would never be possible of you to leave me.
In what seems like a miracle, I am able to pull away from the despair for a moment.
I am able to take the single, most solitary moment of bliss that my body would ever experience, now or ever.
And in it, I am simply with you.
In it, I love you, and I bask so deeply in that love.
In it, I can see… a future with you.
One where you tend to my hair, brushing it with the most tender of love that leaves it feeling as fine as silk.
One where you exquisitely thread the most beauteous flowers into my hair many hours of the day.
One where we bake the sweetest delicacies together, further sweetened by your touch as they would pass to my lips.
One where the warmest of smiles that I knew from you, is truly one of love.
But in just the same moment that the bliss comes to me, it is taken from me.
And with it, the pain that has always known me, spreads throughout like never before.
I weep as strongly as it feels I could ever.
I weep for I know, deep down in my heart, this is the last time I will ever feel this embrace.
I weep, for in our grand exchange across these countless nights with another, it will not mean anything.
The tortuous bliss that floods me will be nothing more than a cruel memory that mocks me for eternity.
Truly it is a mutated, vile form of euphoria.
Like sipping on a venom tasting of the most perfect ambrosia ever to grace the humanoid senses.
As I am truly helpless at your mercy, I weep.
But as the heat from our bodies rises, yours fades away from me.
The toxicity of your tongue no longer stings mine.
Like the swift extinguishing of a candle’s flame, your touch, you, have vanished.
And now, my loneliness is absolute.
In your receding warmth, my tears do not simply fall, they crash.
They crash with such a violence while the dying screams of my soul echo through the small abode.
I carelessly bunch the sheets in my hands, attempting to create any semblance of you, your touch, anything.
Not even how many times you have transformed my chest into a crimson-stained display for the world to see, could rival my pain in this moment.
You have taken my heart.
You have taken it, wedged into it, intruded yourself into it, befouled it in every way possible.
Could it even truly be claimed as mine now?
Or has it always been so easily malleable?
Am I but a simple doll at this point?
A living doll, broken and malfunctioned, with far too many thoughts occupying such a head.
Is this even my own voice now?
Have you penetrated through every layer of my being that I am no longer able to differentiate myself?
As I said before, it simply does not matter…
For I have nothing.
No endless seabed to frolic a shining, scaled tail through.
No rich earth to labor at with the promise of a lovingly prepared meal.
No brilliant, regal attire that might ever win me your favor.
Oh, my dear one… How deeply I apologize.
I know such an apology is eons past due now.
I know that your cold heart will never hold a fondness for me, nor a forgiveness either…
For why would you?
I have indulged in you for eternities.
Indulged in what I thought to be just a helpless little girl.
But now, you have surpassed even me.
And I am… proud of you for it.
My dearest… Capable of dragging me down to hell, to torture me and toy with me.
Though my body still screams and writhes in the greatest agony, one stronger than the meek sting of death…
I am honored you came back to me.
To wrap me around your newly crooked finger.
To take the very thing I so greatly long for and force it upon me until I cannot bear to live without it.
Though our game has concluded, and the veil has been tossed aside…
I will still adore you.
I will still love you.
And I will wait for you.
Forever.