Work Text:
Remember When?
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“Thought I saw your shadow under the door
Just a trick of the light I've seen before
I can never tell what's real anymore
Anymore, anymore
I remember when we ran from the pool
All the decorations up in your room
And I couldn't find the right words to use
But I knew that you knew
It seems so long, it seemed so long
The moments that stay, they turn out all wrong
When I look around, you're gone
All the places that return to
All the faces that remind you
I can still see you at the place out there when I close my eyes
Do you remember when we felt like the only two alive?
Don't let me be one of the people that seek a lost romance
Would you go and do it all over again, given a chance?”
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A Peaceful Silence entangled by grief, so fragile that at any moment it could shatter and the moment would end, the tranquility of the moment would end, would it solve all your problems? Could it possibly ever, could he-
Sirens wailed in the distance, the faint echoes encroaching on the undisturbed city, starting a tenuous relationship as they commanded the cement walls. But he wasn’t part of that city. The commands never reached up across the vacuous stretch of water he stood over to his invulnerable ears. For the wails of orders couldn’t overcome the wailing of his mind, it screamed, so loud, it was all so loud-
“Lu-
Lu why did you-
Why did you never tell me
Oh God why did you never tell me?
How was I supposed to know?”
He should’ve known when he checked his phone that night, when all the photos from that day had mysteriously disappeared, when Lu had been standing in the same area for so long, too long. He should’ve checked earlier, ran to him, why did he let him go alone? He should’ve been able to tell, he was his best friend for God’s sake, why, why couldn't he tell?
Cheng Xiaoshi’s hands clenched the rail beneath him, the raw metal’s cold digging into his flesh. The rail stood as the only barrier between him and Lu Guang, why was it able to keep himself back but not Lu? Why did the barrier crumble away for him? Xiaushi’s mind raced, remembering every moment they shared, every memory, when did he decide to do this? What made him decide to cross that boundary? Why would he want to- to kill himself?
Then it began to fall, everything around him, his world, falling into the same void beneath the bridge that Lu laid in. The teardrops splashed on that barrier in front of him, making it seem smaller, more commandable. He could shift it if he wanted to. He could follow him. The void- If Lu would want it for himself, why would he leave him, he knew I’d go anywhere with him right? To the end of the world? But instead he left him at revelations. The world was gone, but he was left on that bridge alone, and the barrier resisted his commands.
The slight buzz by his right pocket allowed him to hear the sirens again, louder now, as they tried to make sense of this new world. With shaky hands, he took hold of it, swiping away message after message. She was still in the old world, it didn’t matter yet. There was only one thing that mattered.
His finger hovered over a photo from that night, warm lights overtaken by the warmth that shown from Lu Guang’s face. It was the first time Cheng Xiaoshi had seen him smile for a long time, so he snuck a picture to capture the moment. He had teased him then, messing with his hair while exclaiming
“Ha Lu I thought you’d forgotten how to smile for a minute! Looks like all you needed were my homemade noodles, huh? I know you love em c’monn”
“Yea yea, they’re great..”
He had been surprised then by a genuine praise from Lu, but he had been so hopeful, so hopeful that Lu was better now, that he was going to be able to see his friend smile again. It had been his goal for a while. Lu was always tense, so stressed, like he expected something to go wrong any moment, but at the same time? He looked like he was mourning. Cheng Xiaoshi knew he had no family alive, and to his knowledge he didn't have any friends besides him and Qiao Ling, so what had caused him to be in that state? He would never get that answer now, unless, unless maybe-
Cheng Xiaoshi warily raised his hands, the sirens screamed at him, the barrier shook, the bridge was crumbling, but he wouldn’t allow himself to fall, not without him.
If he were here, he would’ve scolded him, yelled at him, repeating the rules, those sacred rules he set, but he doesnt get to do that anymore. He changed Xiaoshi’s life by crossing- the world needed to be fixed.
The sound of two hands clapping resounded over the sirens, it couldn't- it would not be controlled.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Everything was the same as before, exactly the same.
Usually Lu Guang would find solace in this fact, but his knowledge turned his peace into a curse. Everything. Was exactly. The same. What hadn’t he tried yet? Every situation, every interaction, every slight alteration. He had tried so hard to change the narrative but it was all fucking the same. How was he supposed to save him at this rate, what else was there to try? Tears threatened to breach his careful eyes, but he warned himself again to refrain. Scars were easy enough to hide but the red that came along with each drop threatened to betray him the instant Xiaoshi re-entered. That was all that mattered, Cheng Xiaoshi. All this was so Lu wouldn't have to see the red pooling out from his body again. The red that constantly betrayed him. Everytime he thought he had finally done it, it showed up, reminding him, there wasn’t ever going to be an end, he would die. Cheng Xiaoshi would die.
He tried to think back to every constant, what had always been there that caused repetition? In some timelines, Xia Fei had never become a model, he had either ended his life in college when he was still struggling, or he went on to work at a tech job, a simple 9-5 worker with the same exhaustion Lu Guang felt everyday. There had also been Vein, despite his constant intervention, in some timelines he had been able to eliminate him from the scenario. And finally Liu Xiao, he was always too elusive, and when threatened had been able to get away, but sometimes that led to him leaving Cheng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang on their own, preserving their timeline. Yet always, one way or another, on the 13th of September Cheng Xiaoshi had not failed to leave Lu Guang, to cross the boundary of life and death; without him. The red always stained Lu Guang’s hands as he held Cheng Xiaoshis trembling body, whispering sentiments to him, trying to comfort him, but his own heart had died long before Xiaoshi’s, and his words fell flat against deaf ears.
He looked over his notes, despite everything, every small change, it stayed the same, why- why could he never change it? After so many FUCKING TIMES of going back, every rewind added a new scar, and his wrists stung as proof that scars never fade. In frustration, he swung his hands across the desk, scattering the papers that he had organized so neatly just before, none of it mattered did it? Why keep up with every change if nothing can save him, the floor of the studio will always be stained- everytime he walked by it he couldn't help but hear Cheng Xiaoshi’s hitched breath as Lu Guang attempted to clot his blood.. His hands. Always. Red.
That's when he saw it. The photos he held so close to his heart, of every good memory of him and Xiaoshi. His vibrant smile swallowed any cold in Lu’s heart, he was his light, his sun, the moon needed a sun to shine, yet every night he eclipsed him, every timeline, in every possibility, he was always the one to overshadow, the one to outlive. He was the constant. Lu Guang was the one who had been there in every timeline. He was the one thing that he didn't change, this was all his fault wasn't it? The world punishing him for his selfish love? Just because he wanted to threaten the red back. He was sick of it, sick of its impending eyes laughing at him every time the bullet tore through Xiaoshi’s skin. It was supposed to be him, he was supposed to die. The moon needs the sun to shine, but the sun lives on without the light of the moon. He’d be better off without me. Better off if he never thought about me again.
A slight laugh escaped Lu Guang as his usual calmed self turned to manicness as he finally figured it out, it was all because of him!
If the world is so set on resenting me, then I'll give them what they fucking want
Today marked the 3rd of september. He only had 10 more days. He shouldn’t risk it. He’d end it tonight. It was the only sure way that Cheng Xiaoshi would remain safe, far away from everything Lu Guang stood for, far away from his red hands. Far away from having to make him worry about himself anymore.
This will be better for him, he tried to convince himself.
I’ve been nothing but a pain recently anyways. Xiaoshi’s smile only dropped when he saw me, the world needs his light, I only hold him back.
He’d be safe, and that's all that mattered right? He smiled. Of course it was.
“Lu GuAANGG” Cheng Xiaoshi yelled from downstairs, quickly being followed by the thudding of footsteps that shook the old studio.
Lu Guang quickly picked up the scattered items, the scattered photos of them- he was so afraid to lose him, but this was what would be best.
He carefully stacked the photos in the order he was used to, carefully without error, this was not the time for error. It was too close to the node. Everything must go perfectly tonight.
The door slammed open. “Lu Guang you coming? Dinner’s gonna get cold!” He walked over to Lu and pulled his hand away from his work, “C'mon that can wait!”
Lu started in protest “Just one moment more” He sighed, trying to not let the sting he felt from Xiaoshi’s tight hold on his wrists show through his voice, excellently commanding every intonation.
“Okok, five minutes, but that's all you get, look I cooked this meal for you so you better eat it when it's good and primed!” He ran back downstairs, calling out to Qiao Ling, Lu Guang didn't hear the rest.
He wanted to go down already, and eat his last meal with his friend that he lovingly made, but he needed to do something first. There must be no flaws.
Lu Guang opened his phone, quickly entering his password, 091305. Him and Xiaoshi had gone out to the market earlier that day, and Xiaoshi had begged him to take some photos since, as usual, he had let his own phone die hours before. He scrolled longingly, looking at those bright eyes that shined back at him, his smile always so welcoming- but it must all be removed. Lu Guang’s hand moved hesitantly towards the trash bin, trembling as he hovered over the button. He tapped it before he could second guess himself. Every photo, every memory from that day must be deleted. He couldn’t risk Xiaoshi rewinding time, he wouldnt understand, who knows when he’d be able to understand or if he ever will, but it's for the best. It's all for the best.
Now all he needed was to borrow Xiaoshi’s phone.
Slowly, he stood up from his desk, eyes filled with relieved intent, he was ready for his goodbye party.
He carefully stepped down the old stairs, lightly as if to not make a sound, like always; and entered the warmly lit room.
“Lu Guang i don't know how you manage to get down those stairs everytime without making a sound, its like youre a ghost, in comparison to this heavy footed giant over here”
Lu Guang clenched his jaw at this comment. Tonight wouldn’t change much for them, he was already dead, his presence invisible.
“Hey I’m not that loud!! Y’all are just, weirdly silent that's all” Qiao Ling laughed at Cheng Xiaoshi’s poor defense, and Lu Guang forced out a chuckle as well.
They’ll be just fine without me
Tonight he’ll focus on making Xiaoshi happy. He’ll pour out every ounce of life he has left in him.
***
Cheng Xiaoshi paced around the kitchen, pinching a few last spices into the ramen, and calmly stirring it around in his imperfect but effective circular method. Lu Guang could’ve tried to perfect his form, hold his hands gently as he guided them through the bowl of pasta, perfectly mixing in the togarashi; but for tonight, he let him be, in Lu’s eyes, every movement he took installed into his brain as a last memory. Xiaoshi could do whatever he wanted, because he was alive, what good would it be for the dead to interfere?
He would resent me anyways, wouldn’t he? For all the pain I put him through for these many timelines, if only he knew it was because of my own selfish desires, the desires to be held by him, comforted by him, loved by him; but I should've realized long ago that isn't what I deserve.
Everytime i refused Xiaoshi the right to save a life, I betrayed him, for every one person he had tried to save, I had killed twenty with each regression, each rewind. I chose Xiaoshi over them all.
He had looked it up, he’d done the research. Every life he had interrupted or ended because of Xiaoshi stung as a red reminder on his bandaged arm. He wouldn’t forget. And now he’d gone far enough, he was the cause of Xiaoshi’s death, the reason everything had happened in the first place, he could only pay with his life. To finally save his partner, if he even deserved to refer to him as that.
Xiaoshi’s phone. He remembered he needed to delete the photos, this was his chance, Xiaoshi was too distracted in the kitchen to notice. He quickly slipped the phone from the counter while he and Qiao Ling were figuring out the last ingredients to add, and entered his password with ease. Xiaoshi wasn’t very careful when it came to passwords, he used the same one for everything.
One, two, five photos were taken from today, some accidental, some of his food, and one of a cat lying on the street. He didn’t realize he had seen it when they had both walked past the stray cat earlier that day. Lu wanted to scroll through the album, reminiscing over every memory, but it wouldn't be long before Xiaoshi turned and asked him what he was doing. He deleted the photos and indiscreetly placed the phone back down, he’d just have to make sure Xiaoshi didn’t take anymore photos tonight.
Lu headed back to sit on their orange couch, comfortably waiting for the meal. He couldn’t help but watch how Xiaoshi and Qiao Ling laughed together illuminated by the overhead light. A different world to him, so far away, its felt unreachable for so long- and now he’ll keep it that way, he wouldn't dare to disturb the universe.
Lu Guang’s thoughts were cut off as he saw Xiaoshi’s figure approach him, steaming bowl in hand, and a warm smile filling his features.
“One excellently crafted miso ramen for you! Without the green onions, just how you like it” Cheng Xiaoshi winked, obviously proud of himself for remembering Lu Guang’s specific tastes.
Lu reached out to it with faked anticipation, before Xiaoshi snapped his hands back.
“Careful it's hot!” He held out a napkin to him to hold the ramen by so Lu’s hands could be protected from the warmth. Another barrier set between him and Xiaoshi.
“It’s fine its not even that hot- you seem to be holding it just fine”
“Well that's cause my hands are naturally warm instead of deathly cold like yours always are!”
“I don't think that how it wor-”
“Doesn’t matter! My meal, my rules!”
A napkin was forced into his hands, and Lu had to begrudgingly agree to Xiaoshi’s overprotectiveness. He didn’t deserve this, but Xiaoshi would be free of him soon, then it’ll all be ok for him. He won't have to worry about trying to warm my hands anymore.
With a sigh of accomplishment, Cheng Xiaoshi slouched down next to Lu Guang, having already given a bowl to Qiao Ling. He had his own bowl of noodles situated on his lap, ignoring the purposefully placed table that sat in front of him. He quickly cracked his chopsticks and prepared to devour his noodles he had spent the night “slaving away to make” as he would say. Lu Guang himself carefully placed his noodle bowl on the table in front of him, and picked up his worn chopsticks, trying to hide how hard it was to steadily hold the chopsticks between his fingers. He poked around the bowl, avoiding the areas where the spice hadnt been fully mixed in, and picked out a perfectly cooked noodle. He wanted to savor every bite, as the last act of love he’d receive from Xiaoshi. He knew he’d resent him after tonight. It was inevitable. But for now, he’ll be his partner for one last time.
Spinning the noodle on his chopstick, he took his first bite. It was incredible. He hadn’t tasted anything this good for many rewinds. Maybe it was because of how at peace he felt. Finally, a way to save Xiaoshi was here, he was safe. Lu Guang’s eyes stung, threatening tears, but he held them back, focusing on the plate of ramen before him.
He heard a gasp from next to him and turned to see Cheng Xiaoshi grinning from ear to ear.
“Ha Lu I thought you’d forgotten how to smile for a minute! Looks like all you needed were my homemade noodles, huh? I know you love em c’monn”
“Yea yea they’re great” Lu Guang teasingly smiled in response, relieved to see Xiaoshi filled with such joy.
“Let’s take a pic for this monumental occasion! It’s not every day I see you smile, let alone for my noodles” Cheng Xiaoshi laughed as he pulled out his phone for a picture.
Lu Guang tensed up. He couldn’t take a photo, couldn’t risk not having the chance to delete it, it was too close to the node- everything needed to be perfect all in order no failures no miscalculations-
“Let’s not.” Lu said hastily, realizing a second too late that he had let his calm demeanor’s cracks show through even if only for a fraction of a second as he saw a light concern overcome his friend's features.
“I mean, I just wanna enjoy the moment for right now.” Lu Guang added, trying to fix his mistake.
Cheng Xiaoshi sighed, “Ok ok, didn't take you for being shy Guang Guang!!” He ruffled through Lu’s hair, much to his chagrin. But yet both their smiles returned as they went back to their food, at least for a moment. After Xiaoshi took a bite of his food, Lu saw his features drop as he took a sharp inhale, his eyes watering.
What the- what happened- no it couldn't be what if he what i-
“Wow, that was spicy!!” Cheng Xiaoshi weakly laughed.
It was just the spice. That was all. Just the consequence of his own poor stirring. Right? Something still felt off, Xiaoshi had been looking at him for too long. Had he slipped up? Was it still because of how he reacted to the photo?
Xiaoshi stood up for a minute.
“Let me go grab a glass of water- one sec!” Xiaoshi rushed over to the kitchen, out of sight before Lu could say anything.
Lu Guang stood up as well, suddenly the food had lost its taste. He had caused Xiaoshi to be upset again. Just a painful reminder of how much he hurt him, how much he held him back.
Qiao Ling sat there, finishing her meal, acting like everything was completely natural. Had he overreacted? He was probably just on edge.
“Thanks Qiao Ling for helping with the food, I’m going to head out.”
“Where to?” She looked at him quizzically.
“I just feel like getting some fresh air, the steam from cooking makes the air thick inside.”
“Alright do what you want just don’t get home too late!” Qiao Ling commanded, She was the elder sister in their group, and she made them feel obligated to listen to her, despite being the youngest.
He forced a smile, “Of course.”
***
Lu Guang cracked the loft door behind him as he retreated into his and Xiaoshi’s room. He scanned the familiar area, messy clothes strewn across the lower bunk, hanging over the banister, and sheets untucked trailing across the floorboards. It was the antithesis of the top bunk, perfectly composed. Blankets neatly folded and ironed, and sheets tucked in without unnecessary creases. He crossed the room over to their shared closet, despite being “shared” only a third of Xiaoshi’s laundry actually ended up in the closet, that third being put there by Qiao Ling who had gotten tired of his bad habits. Most of the closet was occupied by Lu’s color coded fashion. He picked out a simple, greyish brown overcoat to wear out on his walk. If he had gone without one, the other two would’ve gotten onto him, and at this point he couldn’t have any more delays. One moment too late and his chance might be over.
He threw the coat over his shoulders and traced his steps back to the door, stopping suddenly before reaching the door knob. There was one last thing he should do.
Lu Guang tiredly sat down at his desk, hesitantly pulling out a pen and a small note card. He didn’t want to write anything, he didn’t want Xiaoshi to even think about him anymore after tonight, and he didn’t deserve to give any loving parting words after what he had done, but there was one thing he needed to tell Xiaoshi.
“It’s not your fault.”
He folded the note and stuck it under Xiaoshi’s pillowcase. He knew he wouldn’t find that note till late in the night, he was always a late sleeper and didn’t take naps, instead he just slept in till obscene hours in the morning. But when he did find it, Xiaoshi wouldn’t have to feel any guilt anymore, and once that guilt was gone, he was free to live on without Lu Guang.
Finally, he headed back downstairs, waving bye to Qiao Ling, now playing games on her phone, and walked to the kitchen to find Xiaoshi humming as he cleaned the dishes from that night's dinner.
He stopped for a second, staring at how peaceful his partner looked, completely content in his life, free from the suffocating guilt Lu Guang felt. He wanted to stay in that moment, to run to him, to hold him in his arms and tell him how much he loved him, but if Xiaoshi knew the truth…this would’ve disgusted him. He needed to remember that. Lu Guang held his arm tightly, the pressure against his bandages forcing him to stay where he was and not run to him, to not change his mind.
“Cheng Xiaoshi, I’m heading out.” Lu Guang spoke calmly.
Cheng Xiaoshi turned towards him quickly, a slight panic in his eyes. Did Lu’s change in routine surprise him that much? He was usually reading at this time, or not usually, he was always reading at this time, Xiaoshi had probably come to only expect that at this point. But still this seemed unnatural.
“W-wait” Cheng Xiaoshi stumbled over his words, “This- late? It's so dark outside and it's freezing, it's not safe, you should just stay in today.”
“I’m fine.” Lu Guang headed for the door, only to be stopped by Cheng Xiaoshi running over to him, grabbing his hand, a look of desperation in his eyes. Lu Guang stared at him with cold eyes, what was he doing-
“I just uh had plans for tonight and wanted to hangout-” Cheng Xiaoshi said quickly, looking slightly embarrassed for acting so rashly.
“We’ll just do that tomorrow, goodbye.” Lu Guang knew that was a lie, but still, he needed a way to get Cheng Xiaoshi to leave him alone. He knew he was clingy but this was an extreme.
“But-” he was cut off by Qiao Ling yelling over to him, disturbed by their commotion
“Just let the poor guy alone Xiaoshi, you know how he is, anyways he’ll just be back later it's not a big deal”
Despite this, Xiaoshi’s eyes looked downcast, as if he was confused as to what to do next. He was too easy to read. He turned back to Qiao Ling and Lu Guang took this moment to quietly exit the front door. Any longer, any more convincing from his friend may have caused the longing in his mind to overtake his necessary actions.
***
The dark streets danced with reflections from street lamps and stars. Light, so close, yet unreachable, only a shadow of the actual light that shown far above him, the stars tempting with their twinkling lights, hiding away from him. He tried to reach forward to the reflections, walking toward any sense of light he could, but the darkness that reached out in front of him, his shadow, obscured every mirror of warmth.
Lu Guang walked for a while through the silent city, trying to find a sense of solace in his final decision. And it came, the usual screams that filled his head were appeased by the idea of his death, his final reparation. He moved through the streets like a ghost, his nerves not aware of each heavy step he took as he glided across the pavement, ears deaf to the few passing cars or wandering strangers.
He took a deep breath, his last sense of presence was gone. He didn’t even get to have a final goodbye to Cheng Xiaoshi, never told him all the things he wished to that weighed on his mind, his regret, his love, his wants, his future. But he had to deny himself that comfort, for the sake of all of those he had killed, for the sake of his partner.
What future would there be to talk about if he selfishly stayed in the walls of that studio, the calendar counting down the days till the 13th, keeping his mouth silent from revealing the truth of that day in september.
The streets passed by him, staying ever present in their familiarity. Every memory kept locked within their walls. Laughs of strangers, confessions of loved ones, teasing of siblings, joking of friends, they captured every moment. They would remember him, that was all he needed. When people forget, they will remain, they were the only thing in the world that could understand. Every drop of rain, tears, and blood. Dripping continuously down, leaving regrets behind to seep into that all knowing concrete.
He could let go, let go of holding onto that film that tied him and Xiaoshi together, held them together for so long, the strings of fate. Xiaoshi’s fate couldn’t be stuck if it wasn't intertwined with his own. It wouldn’t tie him down anymore, couldn't hold him down to that bloodsoaked floor, he could walk on.
Lu Guang hadn’t even realized his trajectory, his thoughts jumbling over each other as he came to grasp his decision. There would be no more timelines, no more do-overs, no more worrying about if Xiaoshi would see the next day, see his 22nd birthday. There was only one more scar he would have to slash through his skin, and the water below would take care of that for him. It could all be released now.
He had arrived at his final destination, staring across that loose boundary of wire and steel, the city’s fading lights mottled with the ripples of the void below. A two way road for the living, but a one-way for him. A final dive.
If my veins fill with water, will I not have to bleed anymore?
The bridge's supports arched high above him, but he wouldn’t have to worry about reaching up there, his path stood right in front of him. Lu Guang stepped carefully towards the edge of the bridge, clinging to the railing. His eyes reddened at the rim as he looked at his home, every memory of every timeline and every loss. He wanted to turn back but couldn't help but hear the screams. They had returned, louder now, cheering for him, to spill his blood in return for their own. The drops from his wrists hadn't been enough. It’d never be enough for him lying to Xiaoshi for all that time. To make up for the disgust that would crumple Xiaoshi’s features if only he knew. He climbed over the railing, barely noticing its presence. One step forward and it could be over. The guilt, he could be forgiven by those waters. He wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore, he couldn't, he could finally save him, all it took was one step-
Relief
The rush of wind, blowing back every threat of red
Falling
Freedom
The film snapped
Finally free- He finally did it- and it could all be over….
But his euphoria didn't last for long. Gravity returned to him when his arm yanked back, tendons snapping with the sudden force, the full force of his body fully realized as he dangled off the ledge, a fingertips length away from reaching freedom, if only he had taken that step a second earlier-
“LU GUANG YOU FUCKING IDIOT” a choked yell sounded from above him, the source of his resistance. He shouldn’t be here.
He couldn’t bring himself to look up, why did he care so much, why couldn't he just leave him to die- did he not understand- how could he…why couldn't he just leave him, live his own life..
“Lu Guang, look at me” Cheng Xiaoshi commanded with a strained, weak voice, sounding like he was shattering, the weight of Lu Guang’s limp deadweight body taxing his muscles, despite their practice. Suddenly to Cheng Xiaoshi all those days of toiling away to strengthen himself to fight felt worth it.
Lu Guang, with the last stretch of energy he had left, looked up at his friend above him, and put a face to the trembling hands. He looked terrified. Every feature of his was trembling, like he was about to break, beads of sweat mixing with tears that streamed down his face. He didn't deserve those tears.
“Just let go, Cheng Xiaoshi.” Lu Guang managed to to whisper, his hollow eyes casting back down to the abyss below, his mind was fixed there, it was too late.
“LIKE HELL I’D LET GO” Cheng Xiaoshi bit back at him, pulling more at Lu’s arm, trying to use more effort.
Lu Guang watched as Xiaoshi’s shifting hands caused his now revealed bandages to loosen, the white linen crumpling off like his facade did, every bit of red revealing, betraying him, as the coverings drifted down to the river below. Xiaoshi’s demeanor only worsened as he took a deep breath before using his final force to pull Lu up, refusing to let his grip loosen anymore. He just wouldn't give up would he? Lu Guang wanted to shake out of his grip before he could pull him back over, back across that boundary, but his limbs betrayed his mind, as they would not comply with his demands. Every bit of strength had left his soulless body.
With a crash, Lu Guang fell back over the barrier along with Cheng Xiaoshi, falling back from the release of weight, taking deep shaky breaths from the effort. Before Lu Guang could think to move, Xiaoshi shot out his hand and grabbed onto Lu Guang’s wrists with trembling hands.
“ What the..hell..were you doing…Lu” Xiaoshi said through shaky inhales, still catching his breath, yet his tears made that almost impossible.
Lu Guang couldn’t answer, he could only look down at his now opened wounds, bleeding over Xiaoshi’s clean hands, staining them. Cheng Xiaoshi was going to die now, and it would be all his fault, all over again.
He needed to make Xiaoshi understand, understand what an awful person he was, so that he would be allowed to die. Once he told him- once he understood then he’d be happy to let him die wouldn’t he?
He’d realizing how fucking selfish I am
“You’d be better off without me, you don't understand.”
“Don't understand??? Oh, I understand perfectly, I understand that you just tried to jump off a fucking bridge.” Xiaoshi spat, feeling betrayed.
“I deserve it.” Lu Guang calmly stated, like he was trying to make a child understand something simple, like it was just a fact in this twisted world.
“Why the hell would you think that?” Cheng Xiaoshi responded, tears forming yet again in his already reddened eyes.
“You don’t know what I’ve done.”
“THEN TELL ME, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU IF YOU NEVER SAY ANYTHING? WHY DO YOU INSIST ON STRUGGLING ALONE?” He yelled back at him, stealing a glance at Lu’s wrists; they stood as evidence to his claims.
Lu Guang braced himself. This was it, this was the last time Xiaoshi would look at him with endearing eyes. After he knew the truth- he would hate him, leave him- but it had to be done, he had to make Xiaoshi let go-
“You died.” Lu Guang said rapidly before he could take it back, “An-And I went back in time to save you. So many times, over and over and over and over again- Xiaoshi- So many people died, but..I- I had to keep going for you. I was so selfish, I didn’t even tell you, I was scared of what you would think, scared you might hate me, a-and you must hate me now, right? I know I deserve it- Cause- cause all along I could’ve stopped your death if I just died, don't you get it? I have to be the reason you keep dying right? It's the only solution Xiaoshi its the only way-” Lu Guang hadn’t even realized he was crying till he heard the sobs escape his throat, and the wet trails of tears run down his face. He swore to never cry in front of Xiaoshi, but he couldn't stop them. Every regret, every word unsaid came pouring out of him. All those days he had kept his eyes from betraying him flooded out.
He wanted to run, escape back over the boundary before he had to hear Xiaoshi yell at him, call him out for his selfishness, and before he could withdraw his love. But he couldn’t get himself to move. He could only sit there, weeping his sorrows to the sky, announcing everything he had bottled up.
Sudden movement from Xiaoshi caused him to tense, ready for harsh words to spill out of his mouth, but those words never came. Lu Guang felt two heavy arms embrace him as he was tightly pulled into a hug. Shaky hands ran through his white hair comfortingly, then pulled his head into Xiaoshi’s shoulder, holding him so close and so tightly like if he dared to loosen his grip he would fall again into those waters, like Xiaoshi’s hands were the only thing keeping his shattered self together.
“ Lu- Lu you really thought- you thought I would hate you?” Cheng Xiaoshi whispered in disbelief, “ You had to go through that all alone, and see me die every time, yet you still thought I would hate you? I almost just saw you die and my world is already breaking, Lu, how many times did you have to experience that?”
What? This wasn’t how it was supposed to go-
Lu Guang could only respond with more tears, shaking, both relief and confusion crashed over him. But he didn’t care, he just wanted to hold on for a little longer.
“Lu, if you think you're unlovable for doing something like that, then I’m just as selfish as you are,” Cheng Xiaoshi confessed, “Lu.. I didn’t just happen to get here right on time, you- I- I couldn’t lose you Lu I couldn’t- you told me not too but-”
Lu Guangs breath hitched, realization hitting him. He had gone back. He had forced Xiaoshi to see him die and made him go back. He thought he was finally letting go of his selfishness but he had just done the most selfish act of all.
He couldn't understand it all, everything he had thought had been wrong. Xiaoshi didn’t hate him, didn’t judge him for his scars, didn’t move on even after he had plummeted into those waters, he was willing to be selfish for him.
“You shouldn’t have Xiaoshi- why couldn’t you just move on- You’re better off witho-”
“Don't even finish that sentence, Lu, do you not get it? Do you not remember? So many memories we share together, hell I doubt I’d even be here if it weren't for you-”
“But your death-”
“Remember when, Lu Guang? When we first met, I didn’t have anyone except for Qiao Ling, but you were there for me, you became my first real friend Lu! When we painted the studio together, remaking it into an actual business, and when you moved in with me. I was so lonely before you, Lu.”
Lu Guang opened his mouth to stop him, but Xiaoshi continued before he could dare to interrupt.
“Remember when you were the one who agreed to go with me to Bridon? Despite Qiao Ling’s objections, despite knowing it could be dangerous, you were with me every step of the way. Through everything we faced in that damned spot you protected me, I don't know what I would’ve done without you there.”
“And remember when I first discovered my powers, I fumbled so many times, making small, dangerous mistakes that could’ve affected so much, but yet you kept me on the right track. You guided me through it all.”
“And remember those times you helped me in the kitchen? Taking hold of my hands and guiding me through steps to perfect the cooking, so methodically, your hands were so steady then, with practiced precision, I could’ve let you hold my hands the whole night and just watched them. Without you, my cooking would be shit”
“And remember when you showed me how to enjoy the small things in life, taking pictures of everything you noticed, taking it all in. You showed me how to take life slow, and be thankful for all that I have already. And I was thankful, I am thankful for you.”
“Remember those late nights we’d stayed up, playing games, I finally had someone that could challenge me in a game. I could tell you hated them, you’d rather read your books, but yet you stayed up for me, laughing along. Enjoying the moment purely for my sake.”
“And finally, Lu Guang, remember you taught me to love. I didn’t understand what it meant to love someone so much you couldn’t imagine a life without them, so much so that you would reverse time for them over and over until they were alive in your arms. I’d do it all again for you Lu.”
Lu Guang’s whole body shuddered as he felt the tension leave his aching bones. For so long he had to keep it all in, he didn't even realize how much pressure he had built up over the weeks and weeks of endless timelines, but for the first time, he could let go, into Xiaoshi’s loving arms.
Xiaoshi didn't say anything more, he didn't need to. That was all Lu needed. He understood now.
They stayed there for what felt like an eternity, holding onto each other tightly, scared to lose the other. But also understanding and relief overtook the both of them, content on reminiscing, and learning how much the other truly cared. What it meant to truly love.
Cheng Xiaoshi stood up slowly, and gently grabbed onto Lu Guang’s hands, avoiding grazing any scars. He turned to him, smiling
“Let's go home, Lu Guang.”
He didn’t argue, only allowed a silent smile to slowly creep onto his face, staring lovingly with tearful eyes at his partner. The red had not betrayed him, it had led him to be forgiven.
***
Cheng Xiaoshi still died on the 13th of September. But Lu Guang didn’t blame himself. He couldn’t. The both of them were intertwined in life. Despite his beliefs, one could not live without the other. They would constantly be in a cycle of rewinding time for each other. Unraveling worlds until they held each other in their arms again. He would try every new timeline he could. Attempt for every new outcome. Again and again and again. No matter how long it took. For their fate couldn’t, would not be controlled.