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It had fallen in the middle of the week on a Wednesday.
Ellie had reached the milestone of celebrating another spin around the Sun—even though she'd clarified that said statement wasn’t as factually correct—and this time, she was celebrating those sweet 16. Jesus. It was meant to be special indeed, and Joel hadn’t taken that lightly.
Tess had never seen him so absorbed and dedicated. Joel had been utterly diligent spending so much of his waking time perfecting his birthday preparations for the uninformed teen, one that hardly even knew how a special day was supposed to be celebrated in the first place.
Like them, Ellie had hit another birthday on the road, and she’d spoken no word of this. And how would she? If one thing Tess had been sure of is that the military wasn’t particularly interested in throwing parties for the kids there, much less for the orphans that belonged to no one. For all they cared about, the most important divide was when they reached the age limit—that’s when they would be scooped up and turned into one of them, children at the forefront of gore and misery. So not a joyful event, not a ceremony of happiness or festive mirth, but of a cruel ritual that Ellie would’ve been a victim of.
For they had been made aware of that fact on a rainy afternoon, with all three of them unceremoniously trapped inside the house. And Tess had made a joke, one she didn’t even remember anymore, and Ellie had said what the fuck? I’m fifteen now, and that had made them pause. And then, they’d unearthed the exact date, and it was like a promise, like reading each other’s mind.
Ellie had shrugged it away, gathering the pieces of a puzzle to ditch them for the monopoly. Again.
Yet Tess and Joel had looked at each other, communicating seamlessly. Duly noted. A promise, both to never miss it and to make it unforgettable next year.
Not so long ago, birthdays used to be a sensitive topic to tiptoe around, the expense of it like walking on a tightrope across a bottomless void that wanted to suck them in.
Joel’s had been corroded by the shadow of the end, forced to share the date with the treacherous doom. Tess had understood, when Tommy revealed it to her, why it was a forbidden idea to bring it up. Hidden pasts, brand new people, the perfect candidates deemed fitting to move forward.
In Tess’s case, the date wasn’t relevant. It was in the later days of August, and truthfully, she had forgotten that it was a big deal Before. There were more urgent issues to resolve, and in their frenetic day-to-day time was borrowed—so for long and long, it was so uneventful she would remember she was aging up in a fleeting thought, nothing more. Another year, another age. The world moved on, and she must have to follow suit.
Today Joel would take Ellie to the museum for her birthday, and they were already in the kitchen chatting like there was no tomorrow, and a smile creeped in Tess’s lips as she approached the corner.
Again, like clockwork, she’d spent her morning with batches of nausea that deeply worried Joel as he dressed. He had knocked on the door that Tess had closed for she would loathe to let him inside, and he’d asked if all is good in there? In that raspy, rumbling tone that signaled there was no hint of sarcasm. Again, she had lied, and all was good.
“And why the fuck can’t I, as the birthday girl, know?” Ellie was beside Joel as he zipped his pack shut, peering inside as Joel huffed grumpy, “If it’s so important and like, a huge deal, why do you keep it to yourself, Joel?”
Her partner laid his palms flat on the kitchen table, breathing in, “‘Cause that’s the point of surprises, girl.”
And Ellie snorted, giving Joel a glare so icy Tess wanted to congratulate her on that, “That’s some bullshit! We’re leaving and I have no clue-”
Joel turned his head, grabbed both of her shoulders, and shook her as lightly as he could. “We will be fine, and we will have fun, yeah? And if you keep asking then I won’t show you, El.”
“Man but what if-”
Joel mimicked zipping his mouth shut.
Tess laughed hard at the ridiculous attempt of Joel keeping a secret, he had always been a terrible actor. In the deafening silence that filled the space both heads twisted to stare at her curiously.
“Tess!” Ellie greeted cheerfully, whole face lighting up when Joel let go of her and the girl launched at Tess with open arms. “Good morning! Hope you’re ready for some suspicious plans?”
Tess held her arms delicate around Ellie, the bird-like limbs holding her with fragility, and she whispered, “happy birthday, youngling,” after pressing a kiss in the side of her head.
“Joel is being an asshole with me.” The girl murmured, lamenting.
Tess shook her head, squeezed her in the hug conspicuously, “What did he do?”
Joel shuffled closer to them on instinct, and they broke apart with his serious frown. “You sure you will stay behind?”
Ellie frowned too, crossing her arms. “Tess! You can’t leave me alone with Joel!”
Tess bit the inside of her cheek, the guilt spreading. “You survived, didn’t you?”
“But that was before!” Ellie explained, her expression baffled. “Come on, Tess. Just this time.”
Joel did ask Tess multiple times to come with them earlier, he sure did, but she had answered with negative responses. And right now, it was no exception.
Joel tilted his head, stern as he cupped Ellie’s shoulder. “I think it wouldn’t do bad to go all three of us, Tess.” Soft, Joel bargained for their case as Ellie nodded. “It won’t be borin’, promise.”
A joke. But she simply couldn’t.
Her smile came out wonky, voice stilted, “No, no, just go the two of you and have fun,” Tess managed to remain her composure, batting her hand in the air to show it was all good, “I ain’t gonna spoil your fun, what good would it do to bring me there when I’m not in my prime?”
Ellie had her eyes in slits. So feline. But soon she was offering Tess another hug, and now that she was taller she reached her chin, but hid underneath it. “I’ll give you a rundown when we're home.”
With a pat to her shoulder, she gave an order. “You better.”
Tess let go only when Ellie walked in search for her pack on the couch.
Joel had his arms crossed, open about his concern. “Tess, you never say no to going outside of the walls.”
“Look, this is Ellie’s day, and it would be fucked up to ruin it.” Reasoned Tess, arms folded across her chest, too, defiance in her stare. “Not feelin’ my best, and I would slow you down.”
Joel opened his mouth to argue, and she patted his arm to signal it was the end of that discussion.
Once Tess watched them leave with no further persuasion, she closed her eyes and she didn’t budge.
Tess took in a shaky breath and stood in the middle of the room, remembering the sway of the breeze in the valley as they grabbed onto their hats and appreciated the sight in front of them. She remembered the smile on Ellie that night on her birthday, sweetened by an attempt of cake that was mostly bread with lukewarm frosting and by glasses of tea, the sweat clinging onto their clothes as they stepped outside to the descending sun and to the overwhelming sunset. And more than anything, she remembered that it had felt enough.
That kids were not in the picture for them, not by blood, and that was the best thing that would happen.
So, Tess stood in the middle of the room and against her better judgment, decided that she might as well get rid of the crippling doubt that kept consuming her bit by bit.
And as she peered down at her middle, covered in a loose blue shirt, she frowned. That her body was hers but not really, and she couldn’t change it.
She wanted more than anything to be with Ellie on her special day, but today, she felt the dooming dread flicker the overjoyed mood of the teenager. And she wouldn’t, not ever, ruin it for her.
Of course, a non smart hope wished that for once she was wrong. However the strong suspicions about being pregnant grew louder the more Tess wanted exemptions. All the signs pointed to one outcome, and it was terrifying.
When the sun wavered, Tess was courageous to visit the clinic and have the doctor only confirm her worst fears.
It was odd to do it alone, to visit a room and answer questions and have her body prodded and touched, inspected carefully even though Tess had known. And it had been insulting, when the doctor had congratulated Tess, the blurry words swimming around her head while Tess stood up and said goodbye.
There was no reaction from her. Tess had walked away in the same route that she came from, smiling at fellow neighbors and acting the same way, just another day.
For all she knew, Tess didn't think it was still possible after all these years. She’d sacrificed her body to the brutal nature of their work, and therefore Tess assumed it wouldn’t occur to them—not again, not successfully—and she wouldn’t look too much into it. Things happened and they moved on.
And when she was home, the doubt shook her frame. Yes, they were safe now but regardless, whatever reaction she imagined for Joel didn’t fit either. They had never bothered to imagine a future, never one with kids.
The more she turned the matter in her head until the headache showed up, the less convinced Tess was. She was brave, she spoke her mind. But not this time.
Would she keep it to herself for a bit?
It was freaking her out, the uncertainty of how this would impact their lives, how it would flip their relationship—or lack of one—and how it would alter everything.
Tess took another dizzying breath, holding onto the edge of the counter. What was she supposed to do in these cases? A younger Tess would want to call home and call her mother, or even her best friend for help, something about advice and solace and consolation in the face of uncomfortable news.
But in Jackson, she was out of those options. Who the fuck could she ask for advice? What, she would go to her sister-in-law and expect her to understand what she was going through?
No, no. This was private. And it would stay with her until the suffocating truth didn’t choke her throat.
At night, in the big bed alone, Tess curled onto herself and chewed on her thumb. What would she do? Would her maternal instincts kick in and magically save this monumental mess up? How much time did she have left until Joel noticed?
She turned off her lamp, book left atop the bedside table. No one was more unprepared and her nerves were tingling in her body.
They all agreed on one thing. Joel would just leave if she told him.
Ellie could not keep quiet. After those three days that Tess had spent tossing and turning in bed, ditching rest for occupying her hands with labor around Jackson, anything to avoid thinking while they were gone, the girl had to retell every single moment. And it was sweet, and it was wholesome in a way, that the girl didn’t want to leave Tess out.
“Joel gave me this fucking badge, Tess! That shit was so, so cool when I landed back down on earth.”
As soon as she’d crossed the doorframe, the girl had chatted on and on over her birthday, details Tess had heard Joel discuss with her in low voices and messy scribbles in napkins.
“He spent a lot of time figurin’ out how to make it work.” Tess reminisced, proud of Joel when Ellie rummaged through her things and showed it to Tess, the tape that was the special gift for the most special girl.
They were inside Ellie’s bedroom while Joel worked outside with Tommy, and in the span of hours they've been so entertained with the sweet aftertaste of a great day. And while Ellie had skipped over the ending and something that upsetted her that Tess took note to ask later, they’d stayed quiet.
“Do you wanna see your gift?” Tess had yawned, poking Ellie in the ribs after she scanned her tape over and over in her hands. “Bet it isn’t as cool as going to space, but I thought you’d appreciate it.”
Ellie blinked, raising an eyebrow and following where Tess pointed. A box. “I put it there.”
“What the fuck?” Ellie smiled, easily sliding off her bed to start in that direction and crouch down, opening the lid. “Tess! Is this-”
The game console that had brought Tess and Joel hell to retrieve from a falling mall. And another pain in the ass to repair, but there, the Nintendo DS was fixed, and it was a miracle that it worked, but they were lucky.
“These used to cost a fortune, Els.” Tess teased, a glowing feeling in her chest expanding when Ellie jumped in the air in victory. “And we got it free.”
The teen couldn’t contain her happiness, the widest smile spreading proud and cherished in her lips. Soon, Ellie returned to where Tess sat on the sofa and wrapped her arms around her, tight and overjoyed and impulsive.
It was so nice that Tess blurted the words without wanting to. “Can you keep a secret?”
The girl peered up at her as if she’d heard right, clearly she’d been suspicious. And now, retaliation.
Ellie nodded so fast that her heart ached. For this kid had formed a bond with her built on trust, and despite the gruesome horrors, she just wanted to have some place to belong to. And didn’t everyone want that? Tess had spent three days clouded in rejection and doubt, and here she was a girl that could’ve been hers openly offering affection like a warden; just as vulnerable as anyone on this earth.
“You have my word.” Ellie replied after a beat, the breaths synchronized that the hitch on Tess’s breath on her unsteady reply was noted.
“Let’s lay down for a second.”
And so, Ellie let go of Tess and laid out in her bed, waiting patiently as Tess approached in wobbly steps.
Their shoulders brushed when Tess stayed by her side, staring at her ceiling with the neon stars dull in the bathing sun that poured outside.
The weather was too nice this time of the month, and it was hopeful to think that for her birthday it would stay the same. Maybe it would rain, and she would have to accept that she wasn’t big on birthdays, and she wanted to disappear. And that was close enough.
“Ready?”
Ellie found her pinkie, intertwined it with hers, and squeezed firmly.
“Ready for your darkest shit.”
Tess scoffed, rolling her eyes.
Her arm was banded around her abdomen, and she cleared her throat to get rid of the unpleasant pressure that silenced her.
“While you guys were out, I went to the clinic, and brace yourself: I’m pregnant.” And relieved, it was a weight decreasing that was crushing her.
Tess released her breath, nails scraping the fabric of her shirt. The response of her companion was immediate.
“Oh. Oh wow.” Ellie blurted out, dumbfounded, mouth opening like a fish as she slowly flipped around on the bed, her hair falling all over her eyes, “Holy fuck Tess!”
“You don’t have to yell,” the woman shook her head, arms crossed across her chest when she tilted it to scold Ellie. “It’s…. I’m keeping that a secret for a reason.”
Ellie’s expression shifted in comprehension, something dark flashing behind her eyes, and she faintly asked. “Are you… are you out of that zone of danger? You know.”
Tess’s heart softened, her arms falling limp to her sides as Ellie shifted in bed anxiously, gnawing on her lip. Right. Who told her Ellie didn’t exactly know about pregnancy? FEDRA probably had told her enough.
It slammed on Tess that she hadn’t worried about that at first. As a matter of fact, had it happened, Tess wouldn’t have even noticed. Not the first time. She would’ve dealt with it on her own as any other time, self-reliant whether she wanted or not, and this time, in retrospect, perhaps she didn’t want to be alone.
In any case, there were worse outcomes
“Yeah I’m out of danger, kid.” Tess nodded once, staring straight at Ellie as her shoulders tensed and relaxed, sagging in plain relief. “I’m very, very pregnant.”
Ellie’s fingers were vacillating as they edged close to Tess’s hand, brushing her thumb along the shaky index. Tess had never been one to be nurturing, she had never been mom material, but Ellie somehow saw her as someone that could guide her, wouldn’t seek for her displeasure, and had done wretched misdoings to protect her. Tess had her grip strong, a feeble intake of breath filling her lungs.
“Congrats?” Ellie said after a while, providing a crooked smile that said whatever may befell. “Or I’m not sure what the fuck you say. Women in the QZ never wanted kids.”
The malnourished orphans were a common sight, for fuck sake. Tess remembered having to trade with a fellow smuggler there, and the kids would beg for a job. Would beg for the illegal goods often, too.
Tess pushed that thought down and had to center on Ellie, on this girl that had been a blessing in disguise.
Tess couldn’t see herself holding a baby, not hers, but she could teach Ellie how to mend her clothes as well as patching holes, and how to avoid a pad rash on her period, and those were meaningful things. But her eyes were watery, and Ellie flinched.
Ellie’s panic was felt, and seen, and heard, “Shit, fuck, sorry Tess. Sorry. Bad timing, no? Sorry,” both hands were clutching her hand now, and Ellie was so red her skin was all tomato colored, “that isn’t my business. Sorry I need to stop talking. I get nervous. Fuck me.”
What she feared was Joel's reaction. One thing was being pregnant, and one thing would be to do this on her own.
Ellie covered her face with her hands, flooded by her shame, but Tess was quickly patting her head, telling her it was okay. Signaling that she hadn’t made a mistake, that for Tess, the girl wasn’t ruining her chances. Chances of what? But Tess knew her. She knew her anger and her fears, and she knew the lovely kid that enjoyed someone guiding her.
So, Tess made her voice calm, brushing Ellie’s hair and scratching her scalp. “There’s no need to apologize, Ellie.” The teenager gingerly stretched out her pointer and middle fingers, uncovering one eye that peered at Tess. “This wasn’t planned- thought I wouldn’t be able to fucking get knocked up at all. But it’s real, and I’m not telling him yet.”
The atmosphere grew less tense as Ellie stopped hiding and sprawled herself on the bed, the warm light of Ellie’s room basking them in a candid hue of yellows. Could Tess ever raise a kid and not mess it up? She didn’t know, yet Ellie stared at her abdomen with concentration, fleeting confusion in her young features.
“Okay not trying to be shitty, but uh…. Aren’t you supposed to be…” Ellie drew a curve in the air above her own stomach, and Tess stifled her sardonic mocking chuckle, rolling her eyes, “like all ballooned up?”
Now, Tess flicked Ellie in the head as she said ouch and rubbed the spot. She pressed her lips tight, regretful.
“Yeah that is so shitty of you,” Tess flicked her eyes downward, and well yes, her stomach seemed to be normal, but she'd known the changes in her body like someone else was wearing her skin, “everyone’s bodies are different. Guess I’ll start showin’ later.”
“You’re worried about something else.” Matter of factly, straight to the point. Had Ellie been really her daughter, she would’ve known that she’d inherited that trait from her.
“You got me there.”
It was almost funny, how now Ellie was the one giving advice.
“You think Joel will hate this?” With aplomb, Ellie inquired as she turned on her side and looked at Tess. For all her years of experience, Ellie was the most honest kid there was.
That’s why Tess liked her, and why they’d grown close so quickly.
“Maybe.” Tess gave away, flatly and deflated, counting the stars lining the ceiling as if it were her first time here. “I just know this isn’t something he would want.”
Ellie squeezed her shoulder, voice soft. “There’s no way he’s gonna take it badly, Tess.”
A mean thought invaded her mind and said you don’t know him like I do, Ellie. But it was so cruel that Tess squashed it as soon as it was formed and she turned on her side, knees drawn up high while Ellie grabbed her hand.
“I’ll have to tell him either way.”
Tess was so embarrassed. Mortified, angry.
After living with so much planning, she’d been cornered.
But Ellie took her downstairs to try this cake they’d ordered for her, sent by Tommy and Maria, and Tess could forget for the rest of the day.
A part of her felt guilty of making Joel worry to death about Tess being sick to the point he wanted to take her to the doctor again.
“Will you hold on ‘till I’m back?” Joel had asked her before leaving, one calloused palm on her forehead as she groaned and fought off her nausea, “this ain’t right.”
Her mind worked a mile, the reasoning a malaise. With the oblique rays of the sun in a sweet colored dawn, Tess came to a conclusion.
Come night. When the evening fell forward, she would peel away the bandaid—for if he left, no one else would be a witness to that.
After dinner, after Ellie had gone to bed and after they’d closed all the doors and followed the other upstairs to bed for the night.
Their daily routine, the comfort of living a life and not running anymore, with no hungry wolves to catch them, no wolves to come home. Back in the QZ their biggest threats had been mankind, their kind, and not even the rotting creatures of infected were as merciless. So Tess knew first-hand how this could go, the routes that would leave her desolate.
After her conversation with Ellie she’d let this drag on for weeks, almost a month, but Tess was tired. Of hiding, of escaping. She would face this with the same level-headed confidence as any other day back in Boston.
Joel came out from the bathroom with his frayed t-shirt and boxers on, yawning into his fist while Tess rearranged their bedside table. Her dog eared page, stuck on that chapter with the sick news that she couldn’t swallow.
“Thought you were sleepin’, you should rest.” Joel commented, lazily dragging his feet over the floorboards.
“I can’t.” Tess replied, barely audible. “That won’t fix this.”
Joel was perplexed, but soon, he was processing her words and directing where she was standing. “What that mean, Tessa?”
It was like sleep had been beaten off him. He was wide awake, with his hands on his hips and his chest puffed out. Shit.
“Joel, I’m not sick.” She left alone the bedside table, her fists curling on her sides. “I was told I’m pregnant. Okay? I didn’t know how to say it.” Her skin felt hot, her cheeks were probably a different shade, and shame was all she could feel.
There, finally, she could give it a rest. He grew silent, awfully silent. He was rigid and contemplative, that frown on his forehead creasing deeper the more Tess stared. And she was glad that it was so late, for she could be told to leave and it would be over. And in the morning, in the heartbreak, she would go to the Tipsy Bison and she wouldn’t have breakfast, wouldn’t even be able to wreck her body with the booze, but she would sit there on the stool and feign normalcy. She would pretend it was another day, and she was loved, and she had a home with Joel and he loved the baby, and she would let the sun drag in the sky and then the vision would burst.
Tess didn’t want to drag things out, would prefer to be ushered away, and turned to walk straight to the drawers where she pulled out her shirts, a mix of a life she didn’t even want before.
She focused on her breathing, on her hands. She had at least let him know. And now, she could move on. She would visit Ellie when she could, but for now, she would have to avoid it, avoid him altogether.
“What are you doing?” His raspy low voice intoned, yet Tess continued as she arranged the pile on the bed. “Tess, what's that for?”
He approached her so slow Tess stole a glance and froze, her actions stopping midway. She flexed her hands and shrugged.
“I'm leavin’ before you need to tell me.” She explained, tried to put on a strong facade, and all she could do was bite her tongue as her breath caught. Tess felt her skin crawling as her emotions unabridged from her core, and she pushed it back.
Joel put out a hand in front of him, expression falling, “Now who said anythin’ ‘bout you leavin’-” and he was shaking his head, shuffling his feet as she roamed around the bedroom to locate her bag, “where'd you get that from? Tessa look-” He was dashing to get her, easy to touch her shoulder and startle when Tess recoiled, pressed to the wall with her hands pushing him back.
Tess hissed her answer. “You don’t want this.”
Joel was softer when he squeezed her bare shoulder, scanning her face like she was a stranger who didn’t know him, had never understood him. “How'd you know?”
Both hands were now grabbing her shoulders, and Tess gripped her bag to her chest protectively and self aware, as if she was drowning and this was her life jacket.
“You'd never have kids with- with me.” It was more a whisper than she wanted, but her eyes were burning and she wanted the flame to return to her and for all that she believed, not to cry. “We didn’t want this.”
She grabbed the bag as hard as she could, groaning when Joel got a hold of it and attempted to squeeze it out of her reach, and she was frustrated. Annoyed and bothered and tired, now she was so tired her limbs felt dull and she wanted to tell him to stop. That, fine, she could go downstairs and then they wouldn't talk about it. There was no need. But the Pandora box was open and she had to face her pains—the growing pains of a mistake.
Joel was breathing as heavy as her, and Tess exhaled heavily while they, for one brief second, halted the tug of war for her bag. Joel stood still, and Tess had to look down. She didn’t want explanations. She just wanted to leave.
There, he reached for her wrist and she watched it with curious eyes, her heart hammering in her chest. For a scarce second she thought about how most couples here wore rings, but her finger was nude. Tess didn’t know why that thought occurred to her now.
Maybe she’d grown comfortable to the illusion of normalcy, the one that had been sold to her decades past and maybe, foolishly, a girlish side of Tess had thought attainable in her present.
“Are you alright? His broad hand was rough, but it was the roughness that Tess knew, that she liked. “You ready to talk?”
Tess shook her head to signal no. Paralyzed.
“Where are you going?” Joel inquired, willfully taking a step back as Tess pressed to the wall. “Do you want to leave?”
Tess said yes. The words weren’t hers, but she said yes. She pushed Joel out of her way and shoved her things inside, frantic and desperate, didn’t zip it shut.
“Tess, think this through,” Joel was following her, cautious because he would make her flee but cautious because she was shaking, and she was never this frightened, “Ellie is sleeping next to us on that hallway, and what will she think if she watches you run away?”
And suddenly, it all hit Tess.
And she threw her bag at Joel, falling to the floor with her legs buckling and her hands gripping the sheets. Her shoulders shook, her lip trembled, and she covered her eyes with her forearm.
She cried, and sobbed, and whined discreetly, the tears and snot leaving sticking trails and prints across her skin while she cleared it as best as she could.
It took Tess long minutes to recognize Joel’s heat across her body, and how he was on the floor with her, his warm hand on her back soothing the trembling span of it with circles, both of his hands were on her and she couldn’t stop weeping. It was like a well that had no limit, and her eyes were prickling and her throat was raw, her head hurt, and her face was aching by the time she could steal a glance at her partner.
Her vision was blurry, and yet Joel was bringing her closer in his lap and pressing her to his chest, stroking her forearm and kissing her head.
“I’m not mad,” He was repeating, over and over again, “please stay.”
Pleading. Pleading for her and with her.
Tess clung with her nails to his shoulders, and the floor was uncomfortable to stay in this position with her clothes strewn over it, but she would worry about that later.
For Joel was stroking her stomach, and he was whispering, but Tess felt it like an out of body experience. This wasn’t her, and yet here she was.
Her existence, as damaged and damned as she was, it was here.
“It’s okay. I got you. I got you both.” Joel murmured across her neck, leaving fine kisses that tickled the pale column, his hands all over her as if he couldn’t get enough. And he didn’t seem like the crying type, had never been one to outwardly express what he felt.
But the wet felt of his cheek across hers startled Tess, and she blinked in recognition, in blunt discordance.
“You aren’t mad?” Croaked out Tess, worn and feeble as her hands reached out for his cheeks, stroking, holding him as best as she could with her trembling limbs.
“You and Ellie are the best thing that happened to me.” He confessed, gruff and choked, and his hazel eyes were glistening in the light that cast their lamp. “And - and I would never reject you for carrying my baby.”
Tess chortled. Baby. A baby. This was their baby. How odd, how strange, that until now that idea was abstract for her.
Someone under her care. She hoped she wouldn’t fail.
“Can you take me to bed?”
Joel nodded. Genuine, so sincere Tess pressed a kiss to his cheek and held him again, staying pressed to his warmth before he complied and helped her stand up.
His hands were lacking vitriol as he placed her on the mattress, a reverent touch as he hauled the sheets over her shoulders and kissed her forehead, cleaned some stray tears with clumsy digits that yes, signaled he wasn’t used to watching her break in this way. But it wasn’t all hopeless, change was inevitable.
As Tess scanned their bedroom and her disaster exposing her turmoil, Joel complained none and arranged the clothes from the floor back to their place. Back to the drawers, folding the fabric with expertise while he yawned and turned off his lamp afterwards.
Tidy and spotless, Joel flashed her a coy smile that she drank in proudly, greedy, her chest so warm and soft it felt like it belonged to no one but Tess.
That night, she slept tucked on his side, and lulled with exertion and emotional toll she chanted in her mind I exist I exist I exist.