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The chilly july breeze makes its way into the room through the wide-open window which makes Seunghyun pull Jiyong closer. It was going to rain soon, distant thunder making itself be heard. A summer thunderstorm making the sunset look blueish instead of its usual bright orange.
They lay on top of Jiyong's bed, the sheets a sweaty mess after their previous activities. Clothes are sprawled all over the floor and the lights are off, a blue tint soaking the room from the clouded sky.
Seunghyun stares at the ceiling with his brows knitted together, his left hand rubbing up and down Jiyong's arm absent-mindedly as they simply indulge in eachothers company.
The air was somewhat awkward, unspoken words clearly hanging heavy in Seunghyun's mind as Jiyong notices him biting the inside of his cheek. He lets the charged silence sit between them for a bit more before he speaks up, his voice a bit hoarse.
"Is everything... are you okay?"
Seunghyun's eyes fly down to meet Jiyong's as he's snapped out of his previous trance. He stares at Jiyong for a second, his eyes widening slightly for a fleeting moment before he looks away again, this time out of the window as the rain starts to softly fall.
The room is bathed in white light in an instant and it's gone just as fast. Lightning. The thunderstorm was here.
"I'm fine."
His voice is barely a whisper. The hand rubbing Jiyong's arm stops its comforting touch, twitching away from Jiyong as if he had burned him.
Jiyong's stomach drops.
"I don't think you are. What is it?"
Silence yet again, but this time it was a loud one, almost as loud as the thunder outside.
Something was wrong.
"What is it?", Jiyong insists.
Seunghyun closes his eyes for a second before sitting up abruptly, making Jiyong drop on the soft cotton sheets with a small gasp.
He looked like a fallen angel.
Beautiful and distraught, dreading his condemnation.
He springs up just as fast, but by the time he's sitting down, Seunghyun is already standing, pulling his underwear and pants on. Jiyong simply watches from the bed with a confused look painted on his soft features.
Gentle thunder shakes Jiyong's heart.
"I thought you were sleeping over...?"
Seunghyun doesn't answer immediately, too focused on buckling his belt. He steals a glance at Jiyong, nodding then shaking his head as if his mind was betraying him in real time.
"I... yeah- uh... I have to go. Before it rains too hard. The roads will be too muddy tomorrow to drive safely."
Jiyong almost scoffs, he grabs his boxers from the edge of the bed, pulling them on. He suddenly felt exposed, almost embarrassed. Here he was, rosy shoulders and knees as well as kiss-bruised lips, sitting on an unmade bed while his lover got ready to leave.
Jiyong was getting abandoned.
"You can stay over tomorrow as well if you like... you've done it before."
He chuckles, yet no smile touches his lips. This feeling was new to Jiyong. He couldn't make sense of it. It's as if he was trying to fit a whole dessert into his hands but no matter how hard he tried, the sand kept slipping away in between his fingers.
"Not this time, Jiyong."
Jiyong flinches. Jiyong. Not baby, not sweetheart, not honey, not love... not even Jiyongshi. He was just Jiyong.
Suddenly he was six again, standing in the school courtyard after the group of boys he had wanted to hang out with had run away screaming and laughing.
'Jiyong is a faggot, my daddy said so! Don't let him touch you, he'll get you sick, just like him!'
Nobody wanted to play with him. Nobody wanted to touch him. Nobody wanted him.
Jiyong. Jiyong. Jiyong.
"I..." Seunghyun speaks up, snapping Jiyong back into the moment.
"I've been thinking."
Seunghyun pulls on his sweater before sitting down on the edge of the bed, his back facing Jiyong. He doesn't move for a moment then leans down, putting on his socks.
"I think we should stop seeing eachtoher like this."
He starts lacing up his shiny black shoes. Jiyong almost throws up on the spot, his hand coming up to anxiously play with the hair at the nape of his neck, a habit Seunghyun had once mentioned he found endearing.
"What... why? Why all of a sudden-"
"I'm not gay."
Seunghyun's eyes are filled with a certain disgust Jiyong is well too familiar with.
Jiyong's eyes burn. He didn't get it. Seunghyun had always been very firm with the fact he was straight, yet he had seemingly no problem sleeping with Jiyong, or even holding his hand, or even telling him he loved him. Throught it all, Seunghyun had always insisted of his heterosexuality. Jiyong had always dissmissed it as him not being ready to come out as anything else, therefore he had never pressed the matter, but now it seemed as something that not only was a lie to help Seunghyun sleep better at night, but it seemed to be also something that was coming in between him and Jiyong.
"No one said you were-"
"But they do. There's... rumors. Rumors going around of us being a thing."
They were a thing, though. Jiyong didn't see the problem. He wasn't stupid, coming out as gay would probably be a career suicide, at least in Korea, but a dating rumor was nothing to fear. They were careful not to get caught, and dating rumors between idols wasn't anything new. If anything it was more press for them.
"Let them think whatever they want, it's only rumors."
"But they're not... are they?"
Seunghyun looks down at his tied shoelaces as he listens to the rain outside grow heavier.
"We are a thing. It's just a matter of time before someone is at the wrong place at the wrong time and then..."
Jiyong crawls next to Seunghyun and puts a hand on his sturdy shoulder. A shoulder he had cried on many times while the strong arm attached to it had held him close. Times that seemed so far away in this moment.
"Then we just... come out. We can face whatever comes after that together."
Seunghyun tenses and turn to Jiyong, their faces only inches away from eachother.
"Just... come out?" He scoffs, "That's for people like you, Jiyong."
Jiyong is startled yet again. Seunghyun stands up, brushing off Jiyong's hand.
Jiyong. Jiyong. Jiyong.
Jiyong simply sits there as he watches Seunghyun walk to his coat, picking it up from the floor.
"I'm sorry..."
Seunghyun doesn't turn around as he talks.
"It's just... this would've been easier if you were a girl."
Jiyong's heart speeds up. Thunder roars loudly outside the window making his pulse quicken even more. Seunghyun was really leaving.
"Seunghyun-"
"We just- this can't happen. We're both men, and-"
Jiyong stands up so quick he sees stars, quickly pulling onto Seunghyun's sleeve.
"It doesn't matter. We can make this work, Hyung, we can get through this-"
Seunghyun scoffs and yanks his arm off of Jiyong's grip, finally looking at him.
"We can't! We can't make it work because- because it just doesn't work like that! Two men together isn't... it isn't seen as right!"
Seunghyun starts to put on his coat but before he can even get his arm through the first hole, Jiyong snatches it out of his grip, taking a few steps back while holding the coat behind him. His eyes water and he shakes his head.
"You're saying bullshit! You were the first person I came out to and you told me you had no problem with it! You're spouting fucking bullshit!"
Seunghyun recovers from his initial shock and huffs in frustration, stepping towards Jiyong. Lightning lights up the room for a moment, the storng rumble of the thunder making the argument feel Homeric.
"You being a fag is one thing, you trying to rub it on me is another! I'm not one of you! Now give me my coat back!"
"What the fuck did you just call me?!"
"Give me my fucking coat back!"
Seunghyun's snatches his coat as lighting strikes. Jiyong doesn't seem to notice they're both crying now.
No. This can't be.
"Don't do this, Hyung, please... don't fucking- don't leave!"
Seunghyun doesn't answer, slipping on his coat in dooming silence.
Jiyong shakes his head and looks around, trying to find anything that could somehow make Seunghyun stay, or at least delay his departure.
Suddenly, lightning fills the room with a flash again, making a little trinket on Jiyongs dresser sparkle.
It was a sleek tube of bright, red lipstick. He used it for blush and sometimes dabbed a bit on his lips to give them a plumper look, his favorite makeup artist had given it to him as a gift after him and Jiyong had bonded over always stealing their mother's makeup whenever they were younger.
He goes to grab it with a manic look on his eyes.
"I could be a girl..."
Seunghyun turns to Jiyong with a confused look on his face.
"What?"
Jiyong opens the lipstick and glances at Seunghyun, nodding frantically.
"I could- I'll be a girl! I'll be a girl for you! I could be a girl!"
He runs to his bureau, leaning on it to be as close possible to his mirror as he starts putting on the red shade, not being able to properly apply it as he keeps mumbling under his breath.
Seunghyun is shocked and rushes to Jiyong's side, pulling on his arm making him paint his cheek and chin. His hand locks around Jiyong's wrist and keeps the lipstick as far away as possible.
"What are you doing?!"
Jiyong stares up at Seunghyun like a deer caught in headlights.
"A girl! I'll be a girl and we can be together!"
Jiyong wraps his free hand around Seunghyun's neck and brings him down in for a kiss.
Seunghyun freezes for a moment. Flashbacks of similar kisses in the past filled with passion and trust now seemed so out of reach. He closes his eyes and with all his force, he pushes Jiyong away.
Jiyong slams onto his bureau. The desk shakes with the impact, his beauty products previously sat on top of it were now sprawled on the floor. Jiyong stares up at Seunghyun, this time with nothing but hurt in his eyes, or was it perhaps fear? Seunghyun couldn't tell anymore...
Nothing but rain, thunder and heavy breathing can be heard.
Jiyong's eyes drop to Seunghyun lips.
Seunghyun follows Jiyong's gaze with his hand and wipes his lips before looking at his fingers.
Bright, red lipstick.
He frowns.
He wipes his mouth again with the back of his hand and stares at it once again.
The shade doesn't change, no matter how hard he tries to wipe it away.
He looks up at Jiyong, who seems to not even bother trying to wipe the makeup away, almost as if it didn't even bother him. He simply leans on his bureau, staring up at Seunghyun. All tear-stained cheeks and smudged lipstick.
"I..."
Seunghyun glances between his red fingers and Jiyong.
"I have to go. I'm sorry, Jiyong."
The bedroom door slams as Seunghyun doesn't even bother to look back.
Jiyong. Jiyong. Jiyong.
Lighting strikes and thunder rumbles as rain pours.
Jiyong slides down onto the floor and lets himself weep. He can barely breathe as he clenches his chest in his hand.
Was he dying?
He had never felt this sort of pain before. A menacing void that seems to spread wider with every gasp of air he takes.
His vision starts to darken and Jiyong is convinced the only thing keeping him alive is the consistent storm going on outside his window, grounding him to his current weak reality. He realizes he's not going to die, but he's still going to hurt. A lot. For a very long time. So to try and make the process as smooth as possible, he lets himself cry and curse while he lays on the floor, asking himself if maybe it would've been better to never have loved at all.
Outside, Seunghyun stands on the sidewalk next to his car. He's soaked already but he makes no move to enter the vehicle. Instead, he looks at his blurry reflection on the car's tinted window.
His lips and chin are smudged with red lipstick.
He frowns and starts trying to wipe it off with the sleeve of his coat, hoping the rain will make it easier to wash off. He scrubs his face and screams, trying to get rid of the evidence of the fight he had just had. He rubs and rubs until it hurts. He looks again into the window, hoping it to be gone, and yet, the bright red stares back at him, mockingly. Seunghyun can't hold it in anymore, and he starts crying. His tears mixing with the rain.
He opens his car door and slams the door shut, sobbing into his hands for a second before having a peak of his reflection into the rearview mirror.
Red. Red. Red.
He screams in rage and hits the steering wheel so hard the honk goes off for a second. Then he does that again. And again. And again.
He finally stops, slamming his forehead onto the steering wheel and staying there. Crying loudly in the empty car.
The rain goes on for what seems to be hours. Seunghyun's eyes hurt and his nose is stuffy. He sits up slowly as he sniffs, looking around and realizing this was all real, and not just a bad dream. He wasn't going to wake up next to his sweet Jiyongshi and hug him tighter after realizing he was still there with him.
He stares blankly at the sidewalk infront of the car, looking at the puddles jump with every drop that falls into them.
Thunder rumbles in the sky.
He missed Jiyong.
He looks down at his hand and only sees red lipstick.