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1.
It had been a while since Chihiro had confessed his feelings, but for Tao, understanding what he felt towards him was still a bit of a mystery — rather, he didn’t know how to deal with it.
He was sure he liked Chihiro, even if he’d never felt something like that towards anyone else before. The sense of warmth that overtook him whenever Chihiro smiled at him and how grateful he felt for all the time they’d spent together were undeniably the results of love. But having been raised in an environment as close-minded as his parents’ home all the way back in the 90s, it was still hard for Tao to fully process that it was a guy he liked, and not a girl.
Living in 2055 was still shocking to him, but one of the things he was sure of was that same-gender relationships were widely accepted by society. There were even people in relationships that weren’t strictly romantic. Tao thought this was indeed a blessing, and couldn’t help but feel happy for those who’d once been ostracized for simply being themselves.
The only problem was that, to him, liking guys felt more like a curse.
There was a terrible sense of guilt that loomed over him whenever he thought about it. He didn’t have anything against it, it just felt wrong that it was him specifically who was experiencing these feelings. Besides, he didn't want to stand out for it — it was best to blend in with the crowd, though he doubted this would make him different in the world he was living in.
Chihiro, of course, had said it was alright, and he had proven to him repeatedly that he loved Tao unconditionally. But he still wanted to let go of his guilt and accept this side of himself.
And maybe the perfect opportunity to start said process was right in front of him.
He was sitting down on his bed right next to Chihiro, in the peace and quiet of their shared room. Chihiro was scrolling away on his phone mindlessly, and Tao took it as a chance to simply admire his boyfriend. He was cute, there was no denying it — just the thought alone was enough to make Tao feel that awful guilt creep into him again, but he reassured himself.
It's okay. It's just Chihiro.
Chihiro, who was smiling at his phone and playing with one of his earrings. Maybe he'd found a nice comment online, or seen a photo he liked. His joy was contagious, and soon Tao found himself smiling as well.
He was so fascinated by the sight before him that he barely registered Chihiro turning around to look at him.
“Taotao? You okay there?’’ His voice quickly snapped him out of his trance.
“Huh? Oh, yeah. I was just looking at you. You looked happy, it was cute.’’
“Aww, c’mon, you can’t just say stuff like that!’’ Chihiro blushed slightly, but he smiled and sat closer to Tao before giving him a hug. His embrace made Tao feel like there was nothing in the world to worry about, like there was no other place he’d rather be at all.
But Tao hesitated to return it. He could hear his inner voice telling him this was wrong. He shouldn’t be doing this with a man, should he? Even though it was just a hug, if anyone from back then found out, they would surely be disgusted. He should be disgusted too, really.
It wasn’t like he didn’t want to. He wanted to be as close to Chihiro as possible, and he knew Chihiro wasn’t going to tell him off for it. He was safe there in his room, with no one to judge him except for his own shadow. Realistically, he had nothing to be afraid of…
…So he took a deep breath and returned the hug. He could hear Chihiro’s quiet laugh, muffled by his own shoulder but present nevertheless.
With how happy they both were, there was no way love could ever be a curse, right?
2.
A week later, Tao found himself frowning, controller in his hands. He’d been stuck at the final boss battle for an hour now — just how long was this going to take? The enemy’s movements were predictable, and he’d defeated way more annoying bosses in other videogames before, so it didn’t make any sense that this one was so hard to beat.
He sighed in frustration as the screen before him read GAME OVER once again. He put away the controller for a second, trying to rest his eyes for a little bit; he didn’t want Chihiro to scold him for not taking breaks while gaming again, even if he wasn’t present at the moment.
Right, Chihiro. He’d told Tao he’d be outside the entire morning since there were some errands he had to run, and even though he wasn’t really the clingy type, Tao was starting to really miss him. He liked just spending time with him, and it’d already been a while since Chihiro had left the dorms.
Way before they’d started going out, being together had become the norm for him. It was only natural since they shared a room, but now they were past just being roommates or best friends. And now, wanting to see Chihiro had evolved from a simple consequence of their friendship to a tainted, twisted feeling he wasn’t supposed to experience, hadn’t it?
Tao looked back at the screen, still with a sour expression on his face. It seemed like getting over this never-ending guilt was going to take him a long time, much like the final boss from the videogame he was playing; especially when he started overthinking it all over again the moment he wasn’t busy with something else.
Just as he picked up his controller again, he saw the door to his room open, with Chihiro appearing right after.
“I’m back! Sooorry I took so long, Taotao. The line at the store was seriously crazy!’’ He said, putting some bags aside in his corner of their shared room.
“Oh, welcome back, Chihiro. No worries, I’ve just been trying to beat this one game…’’
“You’re still at it!? I thought by now you’d surely beaten the final boss!’’
“I thought so too, but it’s resisting all of my attacks…’’
“You made sure to take some breaks at the very least though, riiiight?’’
“Yes, yes, I did.’’
“Then I’m sure you’ll defeat it in no time! I dunno that much about retro videogames, but I’ll make sure to cheer you on, Taotao.’’
Chihiro was just trying to cheer him up, they both knew that, but his words had made him so happy that he couldn’t help but smile at him. Chihiro did what he did out of love, and feeling guilty over that affection only made Tao feel worse about it. After all, his own heart was full of that same love, and no matter what his head said, this was no sin.
When Chihiro smiled back, his stomach churned, and a strange feeling of emptiness threatened to take over him. But Tao knew he had to overcome it, and held on to his emotions nevertheless.
Soon after, he went back to his game, with Chihiro sitting right beside him and encouraging him. This time, he defeated the final boss with ease, and jumped in joy once he saw the credits rolling.
“You did it! I knew you had it in you!!’’ His boyfriend congratulated him, wrapping his arms around him, pulling him into a hug. Before Tao could start overthinking about it all again, he returned it, this time without any hesitation.
“Yeah! Thanks, Chihiro!’’
Tao was aware that getting rid of his guilt was going to be no easy task, but if he’d defeated the final boss, surely he could defeat this part of himself too.
3.
The next time they got some time to themselves was a few days later. It was one of their days off, and they’d agreed to spend it together; in other words, it was a date. There was this one place Chihiro had been meaning to check out for a while now, and it just so happened that it was near the dorms, too.
The place in question was a tiny cafeteria with quite the welcoming feeling to it, decorated with warm tones and comfortable seats that really invited anyone who walked by to enter and order something from their menu. Tao wouldn’t have called it old-fashioned by any means, but it somehow reminded him of his era, and made him feel at home.
While they were waiting for their orders, Chihiro took out his phone and handed it to Tao.
“Here, Taotao! Mind taking a pic or two? I’d like to upload them to dazzle later!’’
“Of course, no problem!’’
“Make sure you get my good profile, okaaay?’’ He said, striking a pose and winking at the camera. But all of your profiles are good, Chihiro, Tao thought, but kept quiet as he took some pictures.
“There, I hope those are okay. I can always retake them if anything.’’ Tao gave Chihiro his phone back.
“These are great! I can’t wait to upload them, they’ll totes do awesome on the net! Thank you so much.’’
A waiter approached them shortly after with their orders: a café-au-lait for Tao and a sweet chocolate parfait for Chihiro; sure, it wasn’t a drink, but even those without a sweet tooth would agree that it looked delicious, and Chihiro’s expression upon tasting it confirmed it.
“This is soooo good, I can’t believe it! It really, like, melts in your mouth, y’know!? I can’t believe this place isn’t more popular!’’
“Is that so? It does look great.’’
“Here, say aaah ,’’ Chihiro gestured while taking a spoonful and moving his arm towards Tao’s direction.
“Huh!? Seriously?’’ As embarrassing as it was to admit, Tao blushed slightly at the sight. Besides, what would the other customers think? This counted as PDA, didn’t it? Even if the society he was living in was a lot more tolerant now, they were still kind of in the public eye, and Chihiro had told him countless times that they had to be careful with it, being idols and all. Nobody around them seemed to be paying attention, though, so he shyly opened his mouth and took what Chihiro was offering him.
Just as he’d thought, it really was sweet. The texture was nice, too, and it did indeed melt in his mouth. But Chihiro’s smile seemed even sweeter to him.
Tao had never been one to come up with such cheesy lines. What was taking over him? Being in love with Chihiro was one thing, but thinking stuff like that was definitely off limits, wasn’t it? Indulging in his feelings like this felt wrong . He had enough just being with Chihiro; that was already enough luck to last him a lifetime. Not everyone was so lucky to have a best friend, let alone a partner.
Yet he’d promised himself he’d overcome this. Letting guilt consume him while they were on a date was terrible, too. If there really was a God out there, would they forgive Tao even like this? Both sides of him were unforgivable, weren’t they?
“Sooo? What do you think?’’
Chihiro’s voice stopped him from going down that rabbit hole, but that didn’t mean his mind had calmed down completely.
“It is just as you described it, Chihiro. It’s really sweet! Thank you.’’
“No prob at all! But, Taotao,’’ He lowered his voice before speaking up again, “are you okay? You seem a bit out of it.’’
“...It’s all okay, really.’’
“Having doubts again? It’s okay.’’ Chihiro softened his gaze.
“Mhm.’’ Tao simply nodded in response. How could he say it was okay, when Tao was fortunate enough to love and be loved back and yet he felt he was guilty of a terrible crime for it?
“I might not completely get it, but it’s totally okay. It’s not your fault you grew up in an environment like that one, after all…’’ Indeed, it hadn’t been his fault. As simple as those words were, they reassured Tao like nothing else could.
“...Thanks, Chihiro.’’
Chihiro smiled, and Tao was scared he’d see a slight tint of sadness in his expression, but he was really just trying to cheer him up. It was one of the many things about his boyfriend he admired, how he could light up his life with a simple smile.
After that, the date went on normally, with the two of them chatting about their days, work, and other details that were mundane yet so comforting for Tao. It reminded him of all the conversations he’d had as a teen, just talking about school or music or food. Except this wasn’t the past, this was the present , and there was no better present than the one he was spending with Chihiro by his side.
That thought alone was enough to water down his guilt for the day, and Tao chose to enjoy his moment of calm for the rest of the evening, forgetting about his inner turmoil until they walked back to the dorms.
Once they were in their room, Chihiro sat down, looking through the pictures his boyfriend had taken earlier to select one to upload to his social media accounts, and it was then that Tao realised something: his hair was in the way.
“Chihiro, you have something on your face.’’ He said as he sat down next to him.
“Huh? Where, where?’’
“Right here,’’ Tao’s hand went straight to Chihiro’s cheek, and tucked his hair behind his ear. Tao was expecting him to laugh about it, but instead, he was met with a blushing Chihiro. Had he done something he shouldn’t have?
“Ah… Thanks, Taotao!’’
“Um, is everything okay? You look kinda red.’’
“No no, I’m totally okay here! But, well… When you were so close to me and then said that, I thought my heart was going to burst, ‘cause it totally looked like… Taotao was going to kiss me…’’ His last sentence came out almost as a whisper. He looked away slightly, embarrassed.
“Does that mean you’d like me to…?’’ Tao was equally embarrassed, completely dumbfounded by what Chihiro had just told him.
“Weeeell, yes! Obviously! But only if Taotao’s okay with it, too.’’
Tao froze for a second. He felt his fears from earlier threatening to come out yet again. In his fantasies, wanting to kiss Chihiro had been somewhat recurrent as of lately, but he hadn’t been able to voice that out; and now, with his boyfriend in front of him, there was only one thing he could think about.
He brought his hand to Chihiro’s face once again, this time a bit more awkwardly. Not wanting to appear too desperate, he slowly got closer to the man in front of him and closed his eyes. When his lips met Chihiro’s, it was clear that neither of them were sure of what they were doing, but to Tao, it felt better than anything he’d done before. There were no fireworks going off in the background, no sweet taste on his boyfriend’s lips, but it felt perfect — it made him feel alive .
And maybe feeling alive was just what Tao had been looking for all this time.
4.
Time went on, and displays of affection like hugs and kisses became more common between them. It was still a new thing for both of them to be loved to such measures: Tao had hugged his friends at school sometimes as well as his little brother, but not much else; Chihiro’s experience had been similar, though he was definitely more on the clingy side.
Not that Tao minded at all. Nights like these, where he lay next to Chihiro who had his hands around his waist, had become the highlight of Tao’s days. He’d never known something as simple as cuddling could make him so happy; then again, he’d always been one to fall for the most basic gestures.
The lights were off, yet he could see Chihiro’s blissful expression. He’d made it very clear that it was Tao he loved the most, and thanks to that, his worries had almost completely dissipated by now. There was still a voice in the back of his mind that kept coming back to haunt him, to chastise him whenever he went in for a kiss or held Chihiro’s hand, but he was positive he could nearly ignore it by now.
Led by his newfound confidence, Tao moved upwards and placed a gentle kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead.
“Wah! Taotao, what was that for!?’’ Chihiro jumped slightly, taken aback.
“I-I don’t know, spur of the moment? Was that not okay?’’
“No, no, it was cute! Wasn’t expecting it, is all…’’
“I’m glad, then…’’ Tao sighed, relieved that he hadn’t accidentally made him uncomfortable.
“Hehe. You always know what to do to make me blush. That’s sooo unfair, y’know!?’’ Chihiro pouted, but it was clear by the shine in his eyes that he wasn’t upset.
“It’s not like I do it on purpose,’’ Tao replied, playing along. “Though I have to say it is cute to see you blush.’’
“Geez! See, that’s what I’m talking about! Not fair at all! When did you get so bold?’’
Tao smiled. If he were to honestly answer that question, he wouldn’t be able to. Just a few weeks ago he’d been full of fear simply by standing a little too close to Chihiro. Now, however, he felt nothing but pride and joy at calling him his boyfriend.
Maybe it had been Chihiro’s very own presence that had led him to that point.
Either way, he settled for another kiss, this time placed on the other’s lips — short and sweet, in an attempt to convey all his appreciation for all he’d done for him. And if the way Chihiro kissed him back and pulled him into a tighter hug was anything to go by, he’d definitely succeeded.
“Good night, Chihiro. I love you.’’ Tao dared to whisper once he noticed his eyelids were getting heavier and heavier.
“Nighty night, Taotao! I love you even more!’’ Chihiro replied back, pressing one last kiss to Tao’s forehead.
5.
When Tao had first kissed Chihiro, it’d just been a short peck. Awkward too, maybe, but they’d both been fine with it — it was proof of their affection, and as Chihiro had said the day after, they’d both have plenty of chances to kiss again and again.
Gradually, Tao had learnt how to stop holding himself back and leave his doubts behind. It hadn’t been easy, but with patience and a lot of self-reassurance, he was now able to kiss his boyfriend without shame.
That, however, didn’t mean he wasn’t surprised when he pushed Chihiro down on his bed after a particularly long kiss in a sudden burst of confidence. He felt as if he wasn’t thinking with his brain anymore, leaning down to join Chihiro and kiss him once again.
It was… different from all the other times they had done this. Tao had never moved his mouth against Chihiro’s like this before; had never fallen victim to not wanting to part from his lips so strongly before. But with his boyfriend grabbing his jacket with such force halfway through it, it was becoming increasingly harder to focus on anything but kissing him.
This should’ve felt wrong — could’ve felt wrong; except… it really didn’t. Tao hadn’t felt so good in his life.
He was about to part away slightly when he felt Chihiro’s arms wrapping around his neck in protest. Ah , he thought, so it’s not just me, then . He smiled and deepened the kiss for a moment, before ultimately leaning back just to look at Chihiro, who stared back at him with half-lidded eyes and impossibly red cheeks.
“So…’’ Tao spoke up first, wanting to make sure they were both comfortable with what they were doing. “Is this okay, Chihiro?’’
“It’s– it’s more than okay , Taotao.’’ Chihiro’s voice was almost a whisper.
“Oh. I’m glad.’’ He smiled in response. “In that case, is it alright if I keep going?’’
Chihiro was about to reply with words, but chose to pull Tao back down and kiss him once again, pressing their bodies together so fast it could’ve been interpreted as desperate. To Tao, however, it was nothing but endearing.
Like this, Tao couldn’t help but return to the way he’d been kissing him before, opening his mouth and inviting Chihiro to do the same. He feared he was coming across as too eager, sure, but how did he ever dare to think that this was a sin, when he felt so comfortably warm like this?
At one point, he could feel the other’s hands pulling at his jacket, silently asking for him to take it off, and… Well. To say he was embarrassed at his request would’ve been an understatement, but he immediately complied, removing it as fast as he could.
He leaned in again. Chihiro gasped into the kiss and his hips suddenly stuttered, almost as if he was trying to somehow be closer to Tao. Slowly but surely, Tao pulled away to start pressing kisses into his jaw, then his neck, and then Chihiro made a strangled little noise.
It should’ve made him want to run away. Tao knew that, and yet, being away from his boyfriend just happened to sound like the worst thing that could ever happen to him. He was meant to be there, meant to witness Chihiro’s adorable face all flushed and his beautiful eyes half-closed while he took off his vest and started unbuttoning his shirt.
And then it dawned upon him that they were really going to do this; that Chihiro was really positioning himself so he was sitting on his lap, almost shirtless and rocking his hips back and forth like there was no tomorrow.
It was messy that way, their limbs entangled and their breathing shaky, but Tao didn’t mind. Chihiro was beautiful even like that. He’d always considered himself unlucky, but with the sight in front of his eyes, he had to be the luckiest man on the planet.
And when Chihiro leaned in for yet another kiss, Tao knew that he wouldn’t forget any of this and what came after. Like this, he realised that love was no curse; it was the biggest blessing he had ever been given.
+1
Over the course of the past few months, Chihiro had given Tao so much, not just as his partner, but also as his friend in general. He’d been there to support him when the dark clouds of self-doubt had taken over his days, and had shown him that his feelings were nothing to be ashamed of.
It was only natural, then, that Tao gave him something in return.
They had just finished rehearsing their new song with the rest of Ev3ns, when Chihiro had announced he’d be staying behind for a while. This was far from the first time he’d done this; and it didn’t necessarily mean something was up with him. Sometimes he simply wanted to go over their choreography again or make sure he was hitting all the notes right, but Tao had seen it in his face that this was not one of those times. So once everyone had left, he asked his boyfriend about it.
“Chihiro, is everything alright?’’
“I’m fiiine, I’m fine.’’ Chihiro’s frustrated tone betrayed his words, and his expression made it evident that he wasn’t in the best mood. “Just need to go over some steps again, that’s aaaall there is to it.’’
“...Don’t push yourself, okay?’’
“I won’t, I won’t.’’
Tao chose to leave him alone after that, not wanting to push the issue further and risk worsening his mood. But half an hour later, when Chihiro walked into their room sulking, it was clear he was still feeling under the weather.
“I’m so stupid,’’ Chihiro said the moment he closed the door, not realising Tao was in the room.
“Chihiro?’’
“...Nothing, I was thinking out loud.’’
Chihiro didn’t say anything else, and instead threw himself onto his bed, taking out his phone and facing away from Tao. He felt kind of conflicted; on one hand, he really wanted to reach out to him and get him to talk about it; on the other, he wanted to give him some space.
In the end, Tao settled for some kind of midpoint, and spoke up from where he was sitting.
“Hey, I won’t push you to talk about it if you don’t want to, but… If you need to talk about whatever happened, I’m here, alright?’’
“...Even if it’s really stupid?’’ Chihiro asked, not looking at him just yet.
“I’m sure it’s not stupid,’’ Tao reassured him. “What’s wrong?’’
“...You know how we’ve got a new choreography now? There are a few steps that I can’t seem to get down, and it’s so annoying.’’
“That’s not stupid, Chihiro.’’
“But it is! Dancing is supposed to be my thing. If I can’t even do that, then what even is the point!?’’
Chihiro’s voice broke into a sob mid-sentence. He was always his biggest critic. To Tao, his dancing was powerful like nobody else’s, energetic in a way that managed to cheer up the crowd every time during their concerts.
“I’m sure you’ll get it with some more practice,’’ Tao said, walking up to his bed and sitting next to where he was, gently running his fingers through his hair. “If you want to, we can try our hand at it together.’’
“You don’t have to, you know,’’ Chihiro turned around to face him, leaning into the touch. “You already work so hard, so there’s no need for that…’’
“Well, so do you, Chihiro.’’
“Yeah, but it’s not enough, is it? My movements still lack energy and style…’’
“That’s not true at all. You work harder than anyone else I know. For now, just try to calm down, and you can go back to rehearsing later, okay?’’
Chihiro stared at him for a second, before breaking down into tears again.
“Urk… You’re right, Taotao… I don’t deserve you,’’ He said as he tried to wipe away his tears. “You’re too kind to me. I know what you’re saying is true, but my brain just won’t let me believe it.’’
Tao was familiar with those feelings. Just a few months ago, it was him who’d been constantly thinking that way, with his fears always getting in his way. Without saying a word, he leaned down and placed a kiss on Chihiro’s forehead in an attempt to comfort him.
“There. If your brain is mean to you, then you’ll just have to be nice in its stead.’’
“Eh!? Where’d that come from?’’ Chihiro seemed to be calming down, at least.
“I know it might sound cheesy, but… Chihiro, really, I want to be here for you.’’
“...Hehe. Well, it’s okay even if it’s cheesy. You always know what to say to cheer me up… Thank you, Taotao.’’
“It’s nothing, really.’’
“I think I’ll take you up on practising together, too… But maybe later. I just want to be with you right now.’’
Tao smiled at his words, and Chihiro quickly made space for Tao to lie down next to him, hugging him the moment he did so. Even like this, with bloodshot eyes and his bangs sticking out in every direction, his boyfriend really did look beautiful. He wouldn’t change any of the moments spent by his side for anything in the world.
“I love you, Taotao.’’ He said.
And finally, Tao replied back with not a single ounce of fear left in his heart:
“I love you too, Chihiro.’’