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House felt like Henry Higgins preparing Eliza Doolittle for the ball. It was not a simple task. He envied the God of his Sunday school days. At times he thought it would be easier to create heaven and earth in one day than whip Wilson into shape for the ball in four.
Wilson was a natural born control freak. An overachiever in his own quiet way. He was easy going, and problems appeared to roll off his back as long as behind the scenes he was the puppeteer who pulled the strings. Now, someone turned off the lights, changed the rules, and switched the games on him. From a round of "Operation" he was in a game of "Chutes and Ladders." Except the chutes were greased and the ladders embedded with broken glass.
House saw Wilson as an inside-out DDx. Subject: One blind middle-aged male. Symptoms: denial, severe loss of self-esteem, clumsy, stubborn, withdrawn. Object: Reverse all symptoms in order to safeguard job. He could hear the God of Moses moan, "Oy vey."
He began with a checklist, and started with what he thought were the easiest, first:
1) Wardrobe
2) Grooming
3) Drinking
4) Dining
5) Secret Passwords
6) Reconnaissance
Step 1 – Wardrobe (CHECK!)
He ordered a dress rehearsal of Wilson in his tux and dress shoes to see the condition and fit. The suit hung a bit more than previous years, but there was no danger of Wilson losing his pants as long as the suspenders were attached. House hoped the weight loss would translate into "mid-life adorable waif" for the moneyed widows and divorcees.
He personally supervised the polishing of the shoes to a spit shine. One of the few lessons he was grateful that his father taught him.
Step 2 – Grooming (CHECK!)
House dropped the tuxes off at the cleaners, and then chauffeured Wilson to the barber. On impulse he stopped at a nail salon that advertised "Man-i-Cures" on the window.
Ignoring the mild protestations of his friend he guided him through the strawberries-and-cream decorated salon to the nail station.
Wilson cocked his head at women giggling and chatting non-stop around him and hissed, "Couldn't you have found some place a little less girly? You're a dead man if you let them paint my nails pink and add little roses."
House was having misgivings too, but they were already there. He thought a little embroidered truth may give them both a comfort level. "Of course, not Wilson. This salon is for men only. You're hearing the salon operators, and some of the clients brought their girlfriends along." To further distract, he embellished, "You should see this place, signed pictures of all the AC10 players that come all the way from Atlantic City to get a manicure."
Thinking he was already up to his grizzled neck in lies, House began walking his friend in a semi-circle, avoiding the spanking clean floor in the middle of the salon. The operators watched mystified. "Careful now, don't want you to trip on the bearskin rug." He kept up a running commentary of the rugged phantom interior until the petite, dark-haired woman signaled that she was finished. He then guided Wilson back around the other side of the "bear skin" to maintain the false illusion he created. If he were Pinocchio, his nose would already be out the door.
Wilson solemnly shook his head, but cracked a smile and kept repeating, "House, you've got to be kidding." However, he didn't hesitate for a moment to pull out his credit card, and after signing the receipt passed it to House and whispered to him to add a big tip before totaling it.
Back in the car, House spied Wilson looking pleased as he ran his thumbs over the polished surfaces of his trim nails.
If only he could guarantee the gala would go so smoothly.
Step 3 - Drinking (NULL)
House reserved a conference room during lunchtime where they could eat their lunch in privacy and Wilson could practice with plastic stemware.
Before bringing out the glasses, the two men ate. When finished, Wilson did the honors and cleaned up. He crumpled the sandwich wrapping and potato chip bags into one large ball. "Where's the trash can?"
House couldn't resist. "It's an easy shot. Ten feet away, at one o'clock."
Wilson aimed and threw the paper ball into the air, but there was no welcome satisfying thud into a metal container.
"Oh, you just missed." House kept his smile from spilling into his voice.
Wilson walked over to where he heard the paper land, and picked it up. His hand sought the nearby receptacle but couldn't find it. "Very funny, House. Where is the garbage can?!
"On the opposite wall." House stifled a laugh.
When Wilson returned to the table, he muttered under his breath, "If I were you, I'd be careful about leaning too heavily on that cane of yours. It might develop an unexpected split in the wood."
The rest of the session did not make House smile. He gave Wilson cues and instructions, but it became obvious to both of them that Wilson was born with a rebellious right arm that channeled a caveman with ape-like appendages from the stone ages.
They agreed to call time on the practice session. House asked, "Why drink at all, that evening?"
"Because there will be toasts, and why shouldn't I?"
"Did King Kong toast Fay Wray with a wine glass? Why should you?"
Step 4 Dining (CHECK!)
House ferreted out from Cuddy what would be on the menu: steak, roasted rosemary potatoes and sautéed green beans. All very do-able. For the next three nights he and Wilson dined at various steak restaurants.
The first night the doctors ordered steaks at a neighborhood restaurant. House sat and observed Wilson's navigation of his place setting and then his subtle attack on his food. Interested, he rested his chin on his fist with his elbow propped on the table. Wilson acted bored and went through some picky eater's routine of pricking and tapping the food with his fork. It appeared random, but House realized Wilson was creating a topographical map so he could better picture his food and compartmentalize where it was on his plate.
Wilson began showing signs or irritation. He placed his knife and fork on the plate, but didn't look at him, "You're not eating, House."
"You always eat sandwiches. You go through this when you eat at home?"
"No. I was taught the clock method at the blind center and place the food accordingly." Wilson looked uncomfortable as he explained. "Meat at eight o'clock, vegetable at four, and beverage at one."
House studied the pattern of food on his plate, "Why can't we do that on Friday?"
"Do what?" Annoyance dripped from the question, Wilson's left dimple pulsed in his face as he worked the muscles in his jaw.
"I can signal the food layout on your plate like a football play. Call the meat first, then the vegetable, and so on. All I have to say is 2-8-10, and the string beans are at . . ."
"Eight o'clock." The annoyance and tension disappeared from Wilson's face as his eyebrows rose with appreciation.
House mentally marked #4 off his list, but he didn't tell Wilson since he agreed to pay for all three night's dinners.
Step 5 Secret Passwords (CHECK!)
As the days counted down to the end of the week, House tackled other issues, developing a code to communicate potentially embarrassing situations for Wilson. The dreaded piece of spinach stuck in an upper tooth translated into "Have you seen the new lupus patient on the top floor?" A crumb of bread on the mouth or clothes could be diplomatically wiped away after hearing, "Taub recommended a facelift to remove wrinkle lines around her lips," or "Hadley detected a spot on the upper right lung."
Step 6 – Reconnaissance (CHECK!)
On the night before the gala they ate at the hotel dining room where the event would be held. After they finished, House led the way to the ballroom, and they walked the perimeter marking the length and width, the dance floor's relation to the room, the doors leading out to the lobby, and the emergency exits.
He was concerned over Wilson's interest in the last feature, as he left House's side and his hands roamed over the door until it found the latch. "Don't think of bolting out of any of these doors unless you want holy hell to rain down on Cuddy's ball. These are wired to a fire alarm and will probably kick off the sprinkler system."
Wilson was about to ignore the warning, but hesitated, "You are so full of shit, House."
"If she finds out you made it rain on her parade, she won't wait for the Board's decision…"
Hands left the bar, and raised in surrender, "Fine, fine, when I walk through the doors tomorrow night, I'll stay until the bitter end." Wilson returned to House, and they continued their tour.
Step 3 – Drinking Revisited (WTF!!)
The wine glass remained Wilson's Waterloo. By Friday afternoon they gave up in defeat. There was no way he could successfully pick up the glass at normal speed, and was adamant about slowing down to a crawl or asking for a water glass.
House soon found out that Wilson was a fan of both the old and new versions of The Planet of the Apes, and had no sense of humor when he began called him Cornelius. He couldn't get away with Attar either.
They agreed that the best plan was for House to "mistakenly" lift Wilson's glass, apologize, and place it at the one o'clock position, but they both knew it was a trick that they could afford to try only once.
When House found a moment to himself, he reviewed the checklist. He accomplished a lot in three days, but it was not enough. He read over his notes about step 3, and didn't realize two words escaped heavenward in the form of a plea, "Oy vey."
Too bad he didn't believe in a higher power or the angels that caught the words as they flung up and out into the sky. They nodded knowingly to each other—God works in mysterious ways.
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Oy vey: Oh woe!