Chapter Text
When I was a child, the kids in kindergarten couldn’t stop staring at me, as if I had been born with two heads and they couldn’t figure out how it had happened. I didn’t understand why—maybe it was because of my height, my build, or my not-so-“feminine” way of being. I preferred fixing bikes with Dad over playing with the other girls in the classroom who only talked about dolls. The boys didn’t play with me either and constantly made fun of me, saying things like, “Look! She’s so tall… it’s scary!” or they’d just talk behind my back.
Whispers behind me, unpleasant stares, quiet snickers. I tried to be friendly, to get close to them and put on my best smile, to help them get their balls out of the trees or reach a book from the classroom shelf—but nothing worked. They ran from me, overwhelmed by the fact that I was different. I felt ignored, alone, incapable of making friends.
I didn’t want to go to school anymore. I preferred staying home, building prototype armor for my cats and listening to Uncle Reinhardt’s incredible stories. But eventually, my parents forced me to return. I felt a heavy weight in my chest whenever I noticed the others' looks of disgust… at such a young age, I started to feel a hollow emptiness in my chest, a pain that simply wouldn’t go away. Learning to live with that pain was just as hard as trying to make friends. I felt… afflicted in my heart.
I felt vulnerable and weak, and every day I asked myself, “Why am I different?” My only refuge was the shadow of that tree in the schoolyard. I could hide among the bushes so no one would see me; I could hide in the hedges, trying to become one of them. I built a shield around me—physically and emotionally. I no longer cared about talking to anyone or being friendly, I just wanted the day to be over so I could rest.
I lived like that for years, watching my siblings be happy, going out to play with their friends, while I stayed alone in the garage surrounded by grease and tools, feeling how that affliction consumed me more and more every day, following me like a black raincloud above me, like the shadow of my insecurities.
That’s how I felt… until she came.
I wouldn’t know how or when my heart started to feel lighter. I just know that the moment Hana walked into the classroom, with that contagious smile and that smug energy that makes anyone want to follow and admire her, I started to see a ray of light in the sadness that consumed me like the night.
No matter how much the boys in the class told her to stay away from me—that I was a weirdo—she seemed more interested in getting closer to me. Every day I felt her gaze during recess; I could hear her voice laughing or chatting down the hallways I frequented. I even started to smell her perfume getting closer and closer to me, as if she were trying to force me to look at her.
It wasn’t until that morning—while my classmates played and I walked away toward the tree that always kept me company in my loneliness—that I saw Hana following me, hopping like a little bunny. Her presence irritated me in that moment; I thought she was going to mock me right to my face. Even though I believed her words wouldn’t affect me—there was nothing new she could say that hadn’t already been said—it still caught me off guard when she sat beside me with that annoying ear-to-ear grin. Looking at me with those bright, chocolate-colored eyes, seeing me like a child sees a new toy to play with.
“What are you looking at?” was all I said, trying to ignore her increasingly intense stare.
“I just want to know your name,” she said, leaning toward me to see what I was sketching in my notebook.
“Do you like designing armor? Wait—this one’s armor for a dog?!” she said, pointing at a drawing in my notebook. Her enthusiasm was so palpable I couldn’t believe it. Was this popular, pretty, charismatic girl seriously talking to me like I wasn’t different from her—even though I was a whole head taller?
I couldn’t help but blush as I tried to pull away from her.
“I’d add a protector here, so it doesn’t hurt its little paws when walking. Have you thought about giving it a smaller helmet?” No matter how much I pulled my notebook away, she’d just lean closer, talking and talking without giving me time to react. I felt my whole body trembling as my brain tried to understand what was happening.
“By the way, I’m Hana. Will you tell me your name now? Can I help with the armor for your cat? They look super cute with that color… but pink is better than yellow, let me tell you.”
…
I knew if I didn’t answer, you’d keep insisting… I looked into your eyes, Hana. I saw you with fear—I was afraid to give you my heart, to reveal my secrets to you, to let myself be carried away by your smile. You didn’t just disturb my solitude; you invaded my sadness and tried to fill it with your happiness. With your beautiful personality, you wanted me to follow you, and I was afraid to do so, afraid that you’d leave me afterward.
“You don’t have to answer the rest if you don’t want to, but I’d really like to know what to call you… The nicknames from class don’t seem fair for a pretty girl like you.”
And you saw me, Hana. You saw me like no one ever had. You shook my heart like no one ever had. You filled me with curiosity—I wanted to know all your secrets and protect them, just like I knew you would with mine. I wanted to trust you. To let you tear down every wall I had built around myself.
“My name is…” I hesitated—I might be making a mistake.
“…Brigitte.”
“Brigitte? I love your name!”
You took my hands, and yours felt like touching sheep’s wool—soft, angelic. In that moment, I felt the weight of a heart beating again, and I realized, looking at your beautiful face, that you were going to be the most beautiful mistake I could ever make.
“I like your name too, Hana…”
So… if you knew how important you were in my life—knowing that I orbited around you like another planet, admiring your unique beauty—knowing that you could count on me for anything…
Then why?
Why did things have to end like this?
Why do we have to fight?
Why can’t things go back to how they were?
Why did you let woe consume you, when you were the cure for mine?
Hana.
You don’t have to keep being Nocturna .
You can be my Hana again, like I can be your Brigitte again.
Let me help you this time.