Chapter Text
Entry #1
I'm John Doe and this is my journal, I guess.
Why am I writing a journal exactly, well it's because my dad said it was a good idea.
You see, when my dad first met my mom he had a hard time adjusting to being in a relationship with someone of her, "caliber", ...is that the right word for this context, f*ck it I'm not changing it.
Anyway, dad said that writing out his thoughts always helped him when he had trouble in his relationship.
Now, you're probably wondering why is any of that relevant to this journal, well, it's because I've been dating this girl for a while now.
I know, I know, the evil shadow king of Wellston has a girlfriend, I can't believe it either.
Her name is Evie and I'd like to think that she and I have a good relationship, but I've never really dated anyone before, so my perspective on that may be a bit naive.
Hence, why I decided that I should ask my dad for some advice, and he recommended writing a journal so i figured, what the hell, I'll give it a shot.
Why am I explaining myself so much to a journal? It's not like I'm expecting anyone to read this thing. Wait I remember, dad said something about how writing things out like a conversation makes the words come to mind easier.
Okay then, enough explanation, you're probably just frothing at the mouth to hear my private thoughts, be grateful, because not even Sera could wring those out of me if she tried.
First things first, let's establish the most important thing, simply put.
I don't deserve my girlfriend.
Please don't tell her I said that, Evie doesn't like it when I get all self-deprecating like that.
Agh, what am I even saying you're just a journal, it's not like you can actually talk to anyone, still though, your implied silence is much appreciated.
Seriously though, I don't really know what she even sees in me to begin with, or why she thinks I'm even worth the effort, but I'm just not good enough for someone like her.
What can I say about Evie that makes her so great, Where do I begin! There's just..., there's just so many things that I love about her.
For one, she's so kind, easily one of the kindest people I've ever met, she was even one first people to reach out to me here at Wellston (although my dumbass didn't accept it back then)
Even after my suspension, she helped lead the charge on getting me accepted into safe house, she still approached me, still included me.
Without her help I don't think I would have been able to bridge the gap between them and I.
She was nice to me, not because someone told her to, not because she was afraid I'd lash out, not for some ulterior motive.
But, because she believed I could be trusted, that I could change.
And the only thing that she ever wanted in return for it...
...was for me to be happy.
That girl is so sweet that it gives me a toothache sometimes.
There's also the way she gets so excited about things, whether it be self defense classes, playing cards, or telling her spooky stories, she throws herself at everything she does with full force, and her enthusiasm is so infectious that it's hard not get excited too.
She even somehow managed to convince me to start studying with her (You wouldn't believe how pissed Sera was that it was someone other then her that finally got me to start taking studying seriously) and my grades have been better then ever.
The way she lights up, (Pun very much intended I'm not a coward) whenever I'm around, it's not something I'm used to.
When people look at me, I'm used to seeing one of three looks in their eyes.
First, there's the look of people who hate me, for the things I've done in the past (Not like I can really blame them for it though.)
Second, there's the look of people who fear me for the things that I might do, if I ever decide to fly off the handle again. (All they see me as is a time bomb waiting to go off)
Then there's the third look, and it's the one I hate the most, pity. Pity for the things I've been through. (Sera thinks she hides it well, but even she looks at me like this sometimes)
I don't need anyone's pity, sure I've been through some rough sh*t, but it still didn't give me the right to take it out on everyone else.
Readjustment was the worst time of my life, I hated it, and I hate myself just as much for needing to be sent to that sh*thole.
I'm now at a point that I can admit that I didn't deserve what happened to me in there, I know the way that they went about it was wrong but...
...at the very least, I did need to be stopped, and I needed to face the consequences of my actions, and my experience there taught me that, so as much as hated it, I'm still grateful for it at the time.
It might have been utter hell, but it made me see what I was becoming, and I will never become that hateful prick again.
...or at least I hope that I never will.
Sh*t, just realized that I got off topic.
F*ck me, this will go on forever if i don't keep it on track.
Okay, back to the main topic.
where was I again?
Right, people's eyes.
I usually don't like what I see in them, but when Evie looks at me, ...it's different.
I never see any of that in her, she doesn't see a monster, a tyrant, or a broken toy. She sees me.
...She sees John.
And the way she looks at me, like I'm the coolest guy she's ever met, like everything little thing I do just leaves her in awe.
Not to mention she's cute as a button too, with those big innocent eyes, her squishy rosy cheeks, and that heart melting smile of hers, I'm telling you, no other girl could ever match her when it comes to sheer adorableness.
Whenever I think about her, my palms sweat a little, my cheeks get all hot, my heart starts to race, and when I'm near her... I get so nervous that my knees go weak. My stomach gets all queasy, and when I say queasy, it's like butterflies are flying around in my stomach and they just won't stop like, all FWUAAH inside, you know!
I've never felt this way about anyone before.
Actually no, that's not entirely true, there was, ...one person, but that, ...didn't, ...end well.
Nope! Not again! Stopping this train of thought right here, not going on another tangent, ...this isn't about, ...her.
Besides, what I have with Evie, ...its different, and seeing it all written down like this.
Well it's kind of embarrassing, but it's how I really feel.
...Is this.
Is this what it's like to be in love with someone?
Do I love her?
Yes, without a doubt.
But, it isn't that simple, I don't know if I'm at a point in life where I'm even mature enough to fall in love, how can I love someone if I'm not even able to love myself.
Do I deserve to feel as happy as she makes me feel.
--ȍ̷̙̿̾̽̒f̸͕̺̕ ̵̘̳̘̌͛͘͜c̸̱͚̮̆͐͂̌̋ȍ̷͕̟u̸͙̓ṛ̴̡̹̩͛͂͝ͅs̸̝̿̏̋́͜ȩ̸̧́͂͗̃̊ ̴̟̪̳͆n̶̤͒ơ̴͈̰̊͊̕t̵̨̠͖̭̥̄̀͊͘--
After everything I've done, do I even deserve to have love.
--Ȋ̴̛͙́̑͌ ̸̛̼͍͎͊͗̈́͝d̸̜̳̮̹̝̍o̸̻͍̠̚ͅn̷̬͔̺̪̪̋̂'̶̩͚̬͉̣͋̈͠t̷͕͎͌ ̷̥́͋d̸̬͖͙͓͂̆͘͝ȩ̸̖̮̌͝͝͝s̷̬̪̲̭͗͆ē̸̡̘̖̖̉͘ř̷̮̗̮̭͚̚v̵̝͔̥̎e̴̡̢̡͙͕̅ ̸̖̮̭̲̏̂͆ͅt̴̫̥̖̆͆́͌̑ö̷̗͇̯́̊̋͆͂ ̷̙̣̞̗̈b̸̧̰͖̻̦̊ę̵͉̼̿̽̕ ̴̢̭͖̉̑̈̏̚l̵̹̅o̶͉̰̽v̷̮̣̦͘͜e̸̼͓̎̆ď̷̺̳̼--
Do I even think that she loves me.
--W̸̛̰͆h̷͙̚͝ý̷͕̭͠ ̷̬̽̾w̷͎̾o̷̡̧͂͠ṳ̴̌̕l̴̨̛̪͐d̴̟̃ ̴̙̮̅́s̷͇̟̃h̵̩̥̓̕ẻ̸͈̺̍--
...Jeez, that got pretty heavy.
Let's reword that question a bit, it might make it easier to answer.
Do I want her to love me.
To be honest, I'm afraid of the answer, not because I think that she doesn't, ...I, ...I would be able to accept that, hell it wouldn't be all that surprising, honestly.
After everything I put her and the safe house through, I'd completely understand.
Regardless of how I feel about her, it doesn't entitle me to her love or anything.
I have a habit of f*cking up my relationships, ended up pushing away a lot of of the people who cared about me in the past, Dad, Sera, Adrion, Claire..., and so many more people, I hurt them.
I've done my best to make things right, some forgave me, and some, ...didn't, I don't blame them for it though, they don't owe me anything.
Its real life, not some romantic movie, you don't always get a second chance.
Forgiveness is never owed, only given.
I know that I still have a ways to go, and with my track record, I'm scared that I'll do something, and hurt her, ...like I always hurt everyone.
And after that, she wouldn't be able to look at me the same way.
The thought of that is what terrifies me more then anything.
...I really I am terrible aren't I?
Letting myself get so close to her, all while still keeping her at arms length, because I'm scarred of getting hurt.
How selfish can I be!
I want this to work more than anything, but, no matter how patient and understanding she is, it wouldn't be fair of me to expect her to wait on me forever, if I can't get my act together, ...then Maybe I shouldn't be with her at all.
It's only a matter of time until she realizes...
She realizes...
Realizes that...
̴̡͖͙͖̔̒͠͝--Ḭ̴̱͖͍̯̏̂͋̎͝'̸̨̘̓̔̀͂m̶͎̬̮̝͍̄͐͑͑ ̶̧͚̳͍̀a̸͎̘̤͖̳͝ ̶͉̎̋m̶̢͚̈́̔̉̔͘o̷̮͈͒̃͝n̴̢͔̜͊̎̒ș̵͎̺̞̬́̓͋̅̔ẗ̸͔̙̪̻̎̔̋͝ë̶̪͍̼̣̩́̉́r̷̩̦̫̙̝̍̊͋̈́͘--
̴̡͖͙͖̔̒͠͝--Ḭ̴̱͖͍̯̏̂͋̎͝'̸̨̘̓̔̀͂m̶͎̬̮̝͍̄͐͑͑ ̶̧͚̳͍̀a̸͎̘̤͖̳͝ ̶͉̎̋m̶̢͚̈́̔̉̔͘o̷̮͈͒̃͝n̴̢͔̜͊̎̒ș̵͎̺̞̬́̓͋̅̔ẗ̸͔̙̪̻̎̔̋͝ë̶̪͍̼̣̩́̉́r̷̩̦̫̙̝̍̊͋̈́͘--
̴̡͖͙͖̔̒͠͝--Ḭ̴̱͖͍̯̏̂͋̎͝'̸̨̘̓̔̀͂m̶͎̬̮̝͍̄͐͑͑ ̶̧͚̳͍̀a̸͎̘̤͖̳͝ ̶͉̎̋m̶̢͚̈́̔̉̔͘o̷̮͈͒̃͝n̴̢͔̜͊̎̒ș̵͎̺̞̬́̓͋̅̔ẗ̸͔̙̪̻̎̔̋͝ë̶̪͍̼̣̩́̉́r̷̩̦̫̙̝̍̊͋̈́͘---
...It would probably be best if she didn't love me, that way I can't break her heart.
...Yeah, it is for the best, that she doesn't love me, you, ...you can't love a monster, like me.
So am I selfish for wishing that she would.
-John