Chapter Text
Early 2003
Don’t ask Natalie how she does it. Don’t ask her how she’s able to switch into autopilot mode the second she clocks in and takes her place at The Crow Bar when her shift starts at 5 in the late afternoon until 11 at night.
She takes in the sounds and movements, blends it all together in her head, and uses that as a driving force to get her limbs moving. All the people talking, glass clinking, ice cube shoveling, bottles opening, and constantly touching something sticky by accident.
It works especially well when she has to make conversation with a customer. She has the script on her head locked and loaded; some banter, eye contact, low effort smiles, and maybe…just maybe, laughing if the joke is halfway funny. She wouldn’t do any of that if it weren’t for the tips and god knows, she really needs those tips.
Before she knows it, six hours pass by and she’s ready to make her way out of the establishment with around a hundred and twenty dollars in tips under her belt, which isn’t too bad if she didn’t know it’ll all be gone in a flash.
“Right.” She takes off her apron. “Heading out.”
“Walk home safe,” her manager tells her as she’s walking out.
Natalie nods and says, “night, Howie.”
“Goodnight.”
The moment her feet step outside the door, the exhaustion catches up with her body and she feels slightly lightheaded, but she manages to find her footing and keep on walking. Luckily, the spring breeze of March is at the perfect temperature
She checks her phone for any messages from Barb, her neighbor, when she’s waiting for her slice of pizza to eat on her way home for dinner, but there’s none which is a good sign. She practically swallows that thing whole before she arrives at her building, and she runs upstairs to her one-bedroom apartment.
She unlocks the door and very quietly goes in. None of the lights are on except for the lamp light in the living room.
“Hey,” Barb greets her. “Back before midnight. That’s a record.”
Nat scoffs out a small chuckle and goes to the kitchen to wash her hands on the sink. “I’ve been trying to run out of there as soon as I can.”
“Good,” she cheers her on quietly. “Don’t let ‘em wear you out.”
When Nat takes her jacket off and heads to the couch, she softens. There she is, little baby Dakota, soundly asleep on a folded blanket on the cushion right next to where Barb is sitting. She’s warmed up by the quilt Barb knitted her a little while ago, it’s white and baby blue.
“Was she a good girl?” Nat asks in a whisper, kneeling by her and traces her cheeks with her knuckle.
“She’s always a good girl,” Barb claps her shoulder as if to scold her.
“Oh yeah?” Nat wears a tight lipped grin. “Even when she’s screaming her head off the second I hand her to you?”
“Hey, babies are gonna be babies. I raised mine and they cried too.”
“Yeah,” she mutters. She flattens her palm on Dakota’s belly, going up and down with every breath she takes. It’s so easy to enjoy these moments when she’s not crying because Nat put her down for a millisecond.
It’s very lucky that she grew to like Barb who exponentially saved the both of them when she suggested to watch the baby during Nat’s shifts without much in return, saying that she gets bored on weekdays ever since she retired as a teacher. But of course, Nat gives her money because she can’t possibly neglect to showcase her gratitude especially when babysitter rates are causing damage to her finances.
Barb only watches Dakota on Mondays and Tuesdays while the sitter comes Wednesday to Friday. It’s still a win in her books considering she’s still figuring things out.
“Did you have dinner?” Natalie asks her.
“Yeah. I took her to mine and I made myself a plate,” she tells her. If Barb wasn’t such a life-saving trust-worthy person in her life, she would’ve lost her mind at the thought of anyone taking Dakota elsewhere, but it’s Barb and she lives right next door.
“Okay,” she nods, her gaze never looking away from the baby. “Thank you. I really appreciate you watching her.”
“Oh, don’t worry about it. We were talking all evening,” she teases. They wish each other goodnight when Barb goes back to her place, leaving the two alone.
Nat slowly picks up Dakota and nestles her in her arms, slowly swaying, and she combs her wisps of pale blonde hair.
“Are you gonna promise to sleep through the night?” Nat whispers desperately, her own eyelids feeling heavy. “I’m really tired, baby. I kinda wanna pass out.”
Dakota smacks her lips and turns her head a little bit looking for a more comfortable position. Nat recognizes her tells, even in her sleep, and if she keeps holding her, Dakota’s gonna realize that she’s back in her arms and will have an even harder time being put down in her crib.
After a shower, with both bedroom and bathroom doors open, she’s ready to call it a night. She checks on the baby, making sure she’s all swaddled and cozy, and thinks about the inevitable wake up call she’ll get in two or three hours for a feeding, and she absolutely dreads it.
Look, Nat isn’t used to complaining and she doesn’t hate every part of parenting but the clinginess and the demanding nature of it all is difficult. There are days where she’s really ashamed of the thoughts that she has when she looks at her; regret and resentment. But she knows that it’s not her fault. Nat made the choice and she’s gonna deal with it.
Nat leans down and kisses her head goodnight. When she finally rests her head on the pillow, she wonders if she drank any water the whole day.
She probably didn’t.
Their mornings start at 6:30, all curtsy to the baby, and Nat tries to get by with less than five hours of sleep that’s also interrupted by making a bottle around 3 am.
Now Nat doesn’t think that she’s a prodigal baby whisperer or anything, she just noticed that things operate in a loop; it’s seven-ish tasks that happen over and over again. She changes her diaper, makes her bottle, feeds her, burps her, and braces herself when she returns her to the crib and goes to the bathroom to wash up and brush her teeth because Dakota whimpers and weeps the whole time until she picks her up again.
“You know, I was in the next room?” She asks her while she’s putting her in the baby wrap. “I’m not going away.”
They spend their day together, literally, because Dakota’s wrapped up on her chest the whole time. She hates the stroller and Nat understands the bargain here; if she keeps Dakota close by, she will be in a good mood and that’s enough for her for the time being. She knows the clinginess might amount to a larger issue later but she’s still young so maybe it’s fine.
“We’re doing laundry today,” she tells her. “How does that sound?” Dakota just hums and makes baby blabbers as she rests her cheek on Nat’s collarbone. Nat takes this as a yes. “Okay, let’s do it.”
She quickly toasts a bagel and has it with cream cheese, and she packs their clothes in a bag before they head out. The laundromat is just down the street and it’s a beautiful day out so they’ll get a nice walk out of it.
Nat discovers pretty quickly that Dakota finds the swirling washing machine the absolute pinnacle of humor. She knows to take her out of the wrap, kneel down, and hold her so she can see the clothes going round and round.
Her belly laughs echo throughout the laundromat and Nat can’t help but laugh as well. She does this thing where she pokes her tongue out whenever she’s smiling or laughing which is absolutely adorable, and Nat would think how can someone so little be this loud?
“You like that?” Nat asks her, sitting her on her knee and she’s flailing her arms around.
They enjoy that for a few more minutes and then, Nat lets Dakota feel the vibration of the machine with her hands. She’s fascinated at first but ultimately doesn’t like it.
They wait outside under the awning and across the street some cafe is playing “Send Me on My Way” by Rusted Root. Nat nods her head to the music and taps Dakota’s back to the beat. When Nat starts to sing along quietly to her, Dakota looks up with her big brown eyes in awe, like she’s hearing the most melodic sound in the world. She does her best to sing by making ‘ah’ sounds and squeals, making her dimples appear in full display. Nat is overwhelmed with knowing that, despite everything, she sincerely and genuinely loves this baby.
“You’re mine,” Nat tells her, squishing her cheeks so her lips are all puckered. “Okay?”
Dakota responds by more baby singing and babbling.
It all happens in a loop, so it’s expected that during lunch Dakota gets very fussy and hard to please.
She barely takes her bottle without crying her way through it, Nat changes her diapers twice in ten minutes because of course she fucking went again, and at least she didn’t spit up on her shirt today when she was being burped. That would’ve been the absolute cherry on top.
She tries to do right by her in every way that she can, so she lines up her toys and gets her to do tummy time because she’s gotta figure out how to lift her head but she’s weeping again. Her arms are reaching out for Natalie.
Does she know that Nat’s leaving in a couple hours?
Nat comprises by making her do tummy time while being supported by her leg so she’s holding Nat closely and also doing her baby exercise. The baby keeps Nat preoccupied as she’s trying to get her to nap for an hour which gives her enough time to get ready, have a sandwich that lacks nutrients, and tries to clean a bit before the babysitter comes.
The babysitter, Martha, has a strict “awake baby” rule so Nat wakes up Dakota just as she arrives. Dakota welcomes her by crying some more because not only is she grumpy, but she’s realizing that Nat’s on her way out. She’s thrashing and wailing, doing acrobatics in Martha’s arms trying to get out of her clutches.
The headache from the crying and screaming kick in on her way down, and she gets the thought that she doesn’t care if Dakota’s crying because she’s with Martha now and she’ll deal with her. By the time she makes it outside, a sick feeling overcomes her; if Nat’s the person who loves Dakota the most, then Dakota’s got a pretty bad deal.
Nat doesn’t know what to do with that thought and she can’t stop thinking about the baby the entire shift.
This happens everyday.
-
Something happens a week later that carries on for another week. It’s like something switched in Dakota and the crying from clinginess turned into the baby doing nothing but crying all the time. Nat seriously thought that she may have been hurt or sick, but this was just different.
Even Barb came to her apartment one night to ask if everything was okay because she heard all the sobbing, and Nat simply didn’t know what to do.
On a Saturday evening, she finally took her to the doctors because crying then calming down then crying again for no reason didn’t make sense to her and she couldn’t do the whole ‘waiting it out’ thing that the pediatrician told her on the phone.
Natalie just got out of the doctor’s office, Dakota’s in her arms wrapped in a blanket because that girl absolutely hates being put in a stroller. She considers buying one of those slings but she has to try it before committing considering how picky this baby seems to be.
It was just colic.
The doctor said that it’s nothing to be majorly concerned about. “Just be there for her and wait it out,” she repeated. “Sometimes taking her on walks would help.”
What does Nat fucking know? It’s the first time she’s heard that word; colic. All that screaming turned out to be ‘nothing to be concerned about’. Well, is anyone concerned about Nat? About her sleep deprivation? Her shitty meals? Her life?
She’s in the lobby, just rocking Dakota and walking around since she seems to be curious about this new location. The two of them are sort of in their own world when someone suddenly calls her name.
“Natalie?” The call out sounds so much like a surprised question.
She quickly turns her head and Dakota coos when Nat looks away from her, but lo and behold, it’s Jackie Taylor walking towards her. She's got a stroller with a baby on it too. Natalie mentally scoffs, she’s jealous about the stroller working out with Jackie and not with her.
“Nat! It is you!” She delights at her sight.
“Hey,” she awkwardly says, still rocking Kody in her arms. She does a very quick scan; Jackie. No ring. Baby. Alone. New York City.
Something isn’t adding up.
“Oh my god!” Jackie’s just fucking ecstatic at seeing someone she knows. “It’s been so long.”
“Yeah,” Nat nods absentmindedly, unsure if she can sustain a social interaction, let alone with Jackie Taylor. She can barely nod and blink simultaneously.
Her eyes fall at the baby in Nat’s arms, and she can see her trying to do the math. “Who’s this cutie?” She nicely asks, and Nat could swear that Dakota understands that she’s being addressed because she slightly turns to look at Jackie.
“This uhh—this is Dakota,” she stutters.
“How old?” Jackie’s looking at her so adoringly. She seems so much more mature all of the sudden.
“About to be four months.”
“Awh. She’s adorable. She looks exactly like you.” It’s Jackie and Dakota making eye contact this time, then she does a double take when she really focuses on her face. “Oh wow. That’s scary. That’s literally your face, Nat,” Jackie can’t contain her shock.
“Why’s that scary?” Nat narrows her eyes at her, purposely trying to seem like she misunderstood her.
But Jackie doesn’t take the bait, instead she says, “I hope the hardest part is done. Postpartum was a nightmare for me. Bet you handled it pretty well though.”
Huh? Postpartum?
“What?” Natalie asks, her exhausted face is colored with confusion.
“You know? The blues after birth,” Jackie meekly explains. “It’s normal, I swear.”
Oh. Oh, shit.
“No,” she quickly shakes her head.
“No?”
“She’s not—“ not mine? That sounds weird to her. “She’s not my— she’s my half— Dakota’s my sister.”
“She is?” Jackie asks, trying to understand the situation.
“We actually met about two months ago, if you can believe it,” Nat bitterly chuckles to ease the tension. “Mom died.” It still doesn’t feel real. “And this is my inheritance,” she jokingly says.
Jackie’s face just drops. “Oh my goodness, Natalie. I’m so sorry,” she sincerely says, squeezing Nat’s arm for support. “I didn’t know.”
“It sucks,” she shrugs, almost too casually. “But it sucks more to be her,” she sighs as she looks at Dakota.
“She’s got you,” Jackie smiles at her. “Can’t be all bad.”
It’s kind. It’s truly kind. Maybe Nat wanted to hear something reaffirming like this. “Thanks,” she sends her a small smile. “And yours?” She points to Jackie’s daughter. “Everything alright?” Considering they’re in a hospital.
“Oh yeah. Kennedy’s just having a regular check up,” Jackie explains fondly. “Kenny’s alright. She’s about a year and a half old.”
“You named your daughter Kennedy?” Natalie smirks because that name is so fucking Jackie.
“And what about it?” Jackie turns her nose up, lifting her to carry her on her hip. “My Kenny girl has a beautiful name.”
Nat thinks that it’s nice seeing how Jackie seems to be so taken by her daughter. She’s internally waiting for that to happen with Dakota. Maybe, when they’re both settled and she’d be able to introduce her with so much adoration.
“You’re right,” Nat nods. “I was only joking.”
Jackie smiles and looks at Kenny. “Wanna say hi to Nat and Dakota?” And the kid actually says hi and waves her hand, although lacking some coordination. She’s got pigtails that look like mini palm trees.
“I thought you were in Wiskayok.”
“No,” Jackie hums and puts Kenny down in her stroller. “We moved here a while ago. We’re planning on taking over the city.”
Although Jackie tells her with ease, Nat can tell there’s more to the story. No ring. Baby. Alone. New York City.
But she doesn’t probe and poke.
“You’re living here now?” Jackie asks her. “Like, permanently?”
“Yeah,” Nat shrugs, not feeling like there are many choices. She gets distracted by Dakota stretching in her arms and yawning.
“Hey—um—“ Jackie starts, getting her attention. “Can I see you again?”
Nat’s weirdly caught off guard.
“It’s just that I haven’t met a lot of people here— been busy with work and her, and it’s been a bit all over the place,” she takes a deep breath to control her rambling. When she thinks she’s starting to sound a little needy, she offers, “we could do play dates for the girls!”
“Play dates?” Nat thinks about it. “Not sure if Kennedy will get a lot of mileage. Dakota can’t even sit up on her own.”
“We can figure it out,” she cheerfully says, but seeing Nat’s unsure demeanor, she deflates and decides to be honest. “Look, I just— I could really use a friend right now. It hasn’t been easy making any and seeing a familiar face is nice.”
What Jackie doesn’t say is that it’s obvious they’re in a similar lonely rocking boat. And that she can probably tell that Nat’s all over the place too. Jackie needs friends. Nat needs friends.
And for the first time outside of the high school soccer world , Natalie Scatorccio and Jackie Taylor seem to need each other more than ever.
“Okay,” Natalie nods. They exchange phone numbers and Dakota calms down in her arms.
They wish each other good night and go their separate ways.
In Jackie’s apartment, they‘re sitting on the floor to eat mac and cheese for two reasons. One, Jackie never really set up the dining table ever since she moved here in January, and secondly, Kenny decided that she didn’t like the confines of the high chair and much preferred having a ‘picnic’ with her mom. Except, there’s no picnic blanket, she was being creative and brought a newspaper sheet so Kenny won’t make a huge mess.
“Do you know who we just saw out there?” Jackie asks her playfully.
She takes a look at Jackie before saying, “no.”
“That’s mama’s friend from school,” she explains. “We haven’t seen each other in a while though.”
Kennedy doesn’t really pay attention to her, instead she loses her spoon and eats with her hand.
“Did you see her little baby?”
Kenny nods and says, “baby.”
“That’s right!”
As they’re eating together, Jackie’s phone rings and Kenny immediately perks up because there’s only one person who calls her after dinner.
“Nana!” Kenny cheers. That’s what she calls her grandmother, Susannah.
“Hey, mom,” Jackie answers the phone, putting it on speaker.
“Good evening, Jackie,” she starts and when she hears Kenny’s squeals, she says, “and hello to you too, Miss Kennedy.”
“How’s everything?” Jackie asks her. “Did you have dinner?”
“Everything’s alright, Jackie. I’m just calling to check on you two.”
“We’re doing good,” she says defensively, looking at the state of her apartment.
“You are?” It’s hard to understand what tone Susannah is exactly using right now.
“Yeah. I actually ran into my friend from school and she’s got a kid too,” Jackie says quickly, feeling the urge to tell her that.
“Oh, who? Do I know her?”
“Probably not.” Jackie’s not bothered to explain much. “We’ll set up a play date soon.”
“Right,” Susannah sighs and Jackie knows what’s coming. “Did you talk to Harris?”
“No, mom. I told you already,” she groans. “He’s in Montreal for like a whole month.”
“Doesn’t he have anything better to do?!” Susannah snaps at her for no reason. “Maybe check on his daughter.”
“How’s that’s my fault?!”
“Well, it’s not…mostly,” she concedes. “I dislike him just the same though.”
“You can’t say that on speaker.”
“She probably didn’t hear me,” Susannah waves off.
“I hope not,” Jackie sighs and whispers. “But mom, Kenny pays attention to everything. Careful what you say to her.”
“Well, it won’t matter what I say when her dad is always across the state somewhere,” she keeps on nagging. “She’ll feel it.”
“You mean like how I felt it growing up?” Jackie’s ready to shoot back.
“That’s—“ she gets stuck on her words. “Just give Kennedy the phone. I want to speak to her.”
“Whatever.”
Jackie holds the phone while her mom and daughter are chatting away. Kenny’s just saying words and phrases she knows and Susannah happily responds to them. They’re very close, and Jackie felt terrible about moving away while knowing how close they were.
Especially when she looks at her apartment; piles of laundry, unpacked boxes, full kitchen sink, unmade dining table, and newspaper sheets as picnic blankets. It’s a far cry from her parents’ house in Wiskayok that they lived in after her very short marriage with Harris.
It was all a mess. It shouldn’t have happened in the first place.
When the call’s over and they finished their dinner, Jackie picks her up and says, “bath time!”
“Mama, I want bubooz.”
“Alright. We can have bubbles.”
“And cookie.”
“Hmmm, I dunno. Tomorrow morning, okay?”
“No!” She whines and pouts.
But Jackie chooses to ignore it and distracts her by making her choose her onesies for the night. After a long series of ‘this one?’ and ‘No!’, she finally settles on the white one with little turtles.
She doesn’t quite look like her, not like how Dakota seems to look like Natalie’s carbon copy. Kennedy’s got a little bit of everyone but she definitely got those Jackie Taylor big hazel eyes, and she’s very pleased with that.
Ever since they moved into the city, Jackie’s been letting her sleep in her bed instead of her crib in her own room. She likes to think it’s because Kenny’s so attached to her mama that she just loves it but it’s Jackie who’s been needing that warmth more.
When they’re in bed, Kennedy crawls closer after story time and hugs her mom to fall asleep. Jackie fully takes her in and kisses her cheeks.
“I love you so much, Ken,” she tells her every night. “More than anything in the whole wide world.”
Kennedy only whimpers a very sleepy ‘mama’ before going to dream land.
It’s only so long when they’re this little.
Natalie gives in and buys a pacifier for Dakota after thinking she can outsmart the baby. She remembers that those things can apperantly fuck up kids’ teeth or something and wanted to be ahead of the game but alas, the pacifier won and Dakota is calmer.
Nat’s next to her in bed, patting her belly to sleep, and waits until she can take her to her crib.
“You feelin’ better?” Nat whispers. Dakota’s awake but seems too tired to really play or react as usual. “Poor girl,” she sighs.
If there’s one thing for certain, she’ll always feel bad for Dakota.
She takes her tiny palm and blows air in it. “Did mom do this to you?” She asks her. “She used to say that I liked it as a baby.” She kisses her hand.
“You know, I’m sorry about mom. I promise I’ll tell you about her, but maybe later.” Nat’s been so distracted with the arrival of Dakota that she didn’t really process much. “You can call me mom though. I don’t mind.”
Nat thinks that Dakota deserves a mom, and it seems like she’s been handed that baton.
“You’re my baby. You can call me mom if you want.”
If Vera’s gonna have a baby, never tell Nat, then kick the fucking bucket. Nat thinks she has every right to say that Dakota is hers. Even if she’ll never know why she was named that, or have any pictures of her when she was born, or never know why Vera put her as the emergency contact but never told her about being pregnant or having a whole child.
Nat never planned for any of this. This was all thrown in her face and she was given shitty options; state custody or her. Nat would’ve died before she let her estranged infant half sister go into state custody.
But sometimes she wonders if she’s Dakota’s best choice. She already barely had long term plans for her life, but she’s even more lost now.
They’ve only got each other, but is Nat enough?