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Everyone was used to it by now.
Deja was used to rolling her eyes at your room with weeks-old ramen bowls on the desk and clothes on the floor. She was used to seeing you laying in your bed, or on the floor, or on the couch, barely paying attention to the cat videos playing on your cracked phone, your textbook open at your feet. Cam was used to teasing you for letting your homework pile up, because as your super cool and awesome law school mentor, they had a duty to make sure their mentee was studying. They were used to you saying that your assignments were due at 11:59 PM, not now, and after said due date inevitably passed… well, it was already late, so why rush?
Elio was used to you begrudgingly letting him drag you along with him for Deja and Cam's sake, all the while never making plans yourself. Percy was used to you repeatedly blowing him off, because what others found funny and endearing about him, you found exhausting. Jamie was used to… well, he didn't seem to mind your standoffishness so much. It was a change of pace from the general public fainting at his mysterious local heartthrob status.
You were used to it. You were used to being dragged around by these five pests because you didn't have much else better to do, used to growing exhausted with other people, used to shoving down your irritation because not caring about yourself didn't mean you didn't care about your friends. (Your actual friends, Deja and Cam. You hurt Percy's feelings for sport, if only because the poor guy didn't know when to quit.) That was just the way it was. Deja was the boss, Cam was the funny one, and you were the mean one. You were an attachment to Deja and Cam. The cold to balance out their warm.
So you found yourself laying in bed after the semester finally ended. No finals to study for. No one forcing you to hang out with them. Just you, the ramen bowls on your desk, the clothes on your floor, the beads of sweat gluing your hair to your forehead as spring slipped away into summer, and the lady putting on makeup through the cracks on your phone six inches away from your face as she went on and on about something you didn't care about.
The clock above her read 2:43. You had work in the morning. Law students still had to eat, after all. You had to be up by seven at the latest.
You scrolled to the next video. This one was a cat riding a Roomba. How could you miss that? That was arguably more important than sleep. It was too late for you to turn back now. This was nothing caffeine wouldn't fix, anyway. You could picture it now. Stumbling to the bus with a dull headache and unbrushed hair, chugging an iced coffee. Your stomach filled with dread, but even then, you wouldn't have changed it. You didn't have the energy to. There was a sense of comfort and power to replacing sleep with caffeine. Caffeine doesn't reduce your sleepiness. It just makes you experience energy… while exhausted. It's like your body takes a screenshot.
There was comfort in being a mess. In letting life drag you along with it, like your friends did. You didn't have to try. You could let yourself fade into the background.
"Psst."
Your soul almost left your body.
You rolled over in your bed, valiantly struggling against the bedsheets, which were also sticking to the sweat on your back and your limbs. Your bleary eyes, used to the light from your phone, hadn't adjusted to the darkness of the room yet, and for one brief, terrifying moment the silhouette standing above you was a monster here to punish you for staying up too late and not eating your vegetables.
You threw your phone at the spectre.
"Ow!" a familiar voice whisper-shouted, their hand flying to their jaw. "It's me, it's me! Shit, dude!"
You blinked slowly, the light from the phone now on the floor illuminating Cameron's face. The silence was only broken by the most ear-bleeding song you've ever heard coming from whatever video was next on the floor. "…Cam?"
"Sheesh, remind me to never mess with you. I didn't know you did it like that."
You'd forgotten they were even here tonight. They'd stayed here so long with you and Deja that they ended up crashing on the couch. Not an unusual occurrence, and you'd think that would be annoying, but it wasn't. Not when it was Cam. "What?"
Cam shrugged. "I'm bored."
"You're… bored," you repeated.
"No more finals to study for, no one else is awake…" They raised their eyebrows and gave you a hopeful smile.
"I'm honored to be your last resort."
"Please. You know I love you."
"Mhm."
You laid back down.
"Come on. You're not gonna be asleep anytime soon. Might as well have some fun."
The same fifteen seconds of that irritating song kept looping from the floor. They gave you a look, knowing you couldn't resist them. Cameron was undeniably better than scrolling until daylight peeked through your window.
You somehow found the energy to roll out of bed, just like you did every morning, and finally locked your phone. You stood to face them. You were still wearing that day's clothes. You were ready for anything. "What'll it be, then?"
"Oh, um…" They'd seemed so confident when they walked in the room, but now that they had you up and about, they were hesitant. "…Halfpoint?" they suggested with a grin.
Why not. Where else do you go this late at night?
You followed them out of your room, and thought of Deja. It'd be rude to leave her out.
…That is, until you both stole a peek into her room—her dust-free, clean, and tidy room—and saw her leaned back in her desk chair, snoring. Neither of you wanted to wake her up. You didn't even have to tell her, you realized. The thought of a secret escapade with Cam was exciting. More exciting than it would've been with anyone else.
Cam's mind was elsewhere. They snuck into your roommate's room with a mischievous grin. You watched from the doorway as they plucked a sharpie from her desk, meticulously drew a mustache on her face, then pulled a blanket off her neatly made bed and tucked it around her. That was Cam, alright. Prank someone, then tuck her into bed.
"What is she even doing?" you mused. Cam shot you a scolding look and put a finger over their mouth. You held back a snort and lowered your voice. "It's summer. Finals are over."
Despite their scolding, they seemed to share your thoughts, and swiped at Deja's mousepad to see what she was working on. Her laptop lit up. You couldn't read the text from so far away, but you could very clearly see the SGB logo. Of course. Cam was silent as not to disturb Sleeping Beauty, but they mimed an exaggerated sigh, slumping their shoulders and dropping their hands to their sides.
You followed them out of the dorms. When your feet hit sidewalk instead of carpet, they sighed for real. "Summer started today. She does not need to be doing all that."
"I still don't know how she's not president. She's clearly the one that deserves it." You paused, realizing how that sounded. "I don't hate Reynah, but…"
Cam gave you a look.
…Okay, you wouldn't lie to yourself. Reynah gave you the impression of someone who volunteered to be a hall monitor in middle school, and you couldn't even pretend otherwise. "My personal opinions on Reynah aside," you said as Cam laughed, "Deja deserves it."
"No duh. Deja deserves the world," Cam said.
She did. Now that you were thinking about it, you couldn't remember the last time you hung out with Cam without Deja. You were friends individually, sure, but the only times you ever went out of your way to socialize these days were when one of them dragged you along with the other.
This absence grew particularly noticable when you slid into the passenger seat. Deja always rode shotgun, and you always let her. But now, you were Cameron's passenger, not Deja, and they drove off into the night.
Your gaze drifted to the ceiling. The glow-in-the-dark stars and the motion of the Cammobile, or El Camarón, or whatever it was called cradled you, ever-so-slowly rocking you to sleep, and for the first time that night, your eyes drooped shut. Your parents said car rides made you sleep when you were a baby, too. You wondered if you were still that baby. No thoughts, only existent in your needs and your relation to other people.
"So," Cam said, jolting you awake. "Jamie, huh?"
Your mind was too addled by the lack of sleep to process what they could possibly have meant by that. "…Yeah?"
"Yeah."
They didn't seem like they were going to elaborate. "What about him?" you prompted.
"Oh, nothing. He's just… he's great, isn't he?"
They were stealing furtive glances at you now. Trying to gauge your reaction. You stared back blankly. This had never happened before. "I mean… sure?"
Cam raised their eyebrows at you with a short laugh. "'Sure?' That's it? The man's built like a statue carved out of freaking marble. He's mysterious, sexy, and a dork at the same time, what's not to love?"
Wow. "Yeah, he's cool," you replied lamely, unsure what their angle was.
They hesitated. "Riiight. Don't you think he's cool?"
Oh.
Cam's eyes darted back to the road. They shifted in discomfort. Maybe your disinterest was too obvious on your face. "I dunno. You hang out with him all the time."
Oh, no. God, no. Not like that. You'd done your fair share of ogling, sure, but the only reason you spent so much time with him was that he was the only one of the three boys you found remotely tolerable.
"It— it's not like that," you stammered. "I don't care about Jamie. I mean, I do, he's fine, he's— nice guy. He's just not, uh… as much as the others."
Cam snickered. "Is that so?"
"Yes!" you insisted. This wasn't funny. "I'm just not into him."
"Okay, okay," they said, lifting one hand up in surrender. The other stayed firmly planted on the steering wheel. "That mean there's anyone else on the radar?"
The truth was… no, not really. Your love life was covered in dust and cobwebs. "Nah," you said. "Since when do you care? You've never been a gossip."
"Gossip, no. Matchmaker… maybe."
You almost wanted to laugh at the thought of Cam playing matchmaker. The only reason you didn't was that look on their face. The way their shoulders slumped a little.
"I just…" they started quietly. "I hate to see you unhappy. I don't want you to miss out on something you want because you're too shy. I've done enough of that already."
Shy.
Of course that was how your distance came off to everyone else. You weren't a pushover. You just couldn't bring yourself to care about anything enough to fight for it. Least of all romance. "It's not really something I want," you mutter.
"Me neither," Cam assured you quickly. "Romance? All kissy, kissy, mwah-mwah-mwah? Nah. Nah, nah, nah. I'm good. You just, um…" They sigh. "I know you get annoyed when I make you hang out with us. Maybe I'm overstepping. But you're…
You're so sad all the time. I don't want you all alone."
They noticed.
It hit you in waves.
First, validation. They noticed. That made it real.
Then, horror. They noticed. That made it real.
Then, guilt that made you sick to your stomach. You'd just assumed they brought you along because they needed your support socializing. They were doing it for you the whole time? You just brought the mood down with your snarky comments and your silent presence in the background. You felt like a fool for not noticing sooner.
"I'm just fine on my own," you muttered.
"…I know."
Cam's face fell like you just kicked their puppy. They looked back at the road, not saying much more.
Jesus, you couldn't just leave it there when they acted like that. "I meant I don't need more than this," you said in an attempt to remedy things. "I just need this. You."
You could've sworn you saw their breath shake. They grinned. "I knew I was your favorite."
The rest of the drive to Halfpoint was spent in a peaceful silence. Before you knew it, you were sitting in the back of Cam's car, staring out at the twinkling lights on the city skyline, with the sky's own twinkling lights mirrored above it, and the car's glowing ceiling stars behind you. You were surrounded by warm, flickering, gentle light, yet none of them were brighter than your best friend right next to you.
"I'm glad you're staying here for the summer," they said softly. "I've been meaning to tell you that."
You had to do a double take. You? Like, you specifically?
"I was getting worried. Who else would I bother all the time?"
"…Literally everyone else?"
"I'm not bothering them."
You rolled your eyes. Why were they being so sappy tonight? It didn't make much sense. Sure, this would be their last year at Wryn Mayer, and they'd be gone this time next year… and you'd have to spend an entire year here without them… maybe your whole life… but they didn't have to be all sappy about it. They weren't usually like this. It was weird. They were being weird.
"Not like I really have anywhere else to go," you said.
Cameron looked at you. "Your family?"
You shook your head.
"It's all good. You can borrow mine."
The way they were looking at you… they were trying so hard to help. You didn't know what to do with that.
So you flopped into the back of the van, your back hitting the flattened seats, and groaned exaggeratedly. "I have work in the morning," you complained.
Cam flopped back next to you. "Can't relate. Loser."
You stuck your tongue out at them. "Please. At least I'm making money." Sort of.
"At least I don't have to ask my friend for rides," they countered.
"At least I don't have two majors."
"At least I don't have work tomorrow."
…Touché.
You sighed. "When I'm not broke, it's so over for y'all. I'm gonna get my own sweet ride. It's gonna have heated seats, and…" Hm. What else did you want? "And I'll have shirts without salsa stains on them. And coffee that's actually good. And nice jewelry. I can't wear normal jewelry much, I'm allergic to nickel."
"So you're allergic to cheap shit," Cam quipped.
"I'm a fancy bitch."
Their voice took on a teasing, ironically pretentious affect. They looked you up and down. "I mean, I personally have never really been all that concerned with the material side of things. You can do what you want, it's just a little shallow—"
You shoved them, and they broke down into giggles. You couldn't help laughing yourself, even though you had felt a bit awkward sitting in this very spot weeks ago and telling the group you chose law for the money. You weren't one to lie to make yourself sound better, but it just made you feel out of place. Especially after Cam's noble declaration that they were going into public defense. They'd be overworked and underpaid, but they were passionate about helping people.
You tried not to think about how you picked a money-making career because you didn't feel passionate about anything else.
"Don't worry, I'll pamper you, too," you teased. "I'll take you with me jet-setting around the world."
"Yeah?" They grinned. "You'll let me get a piece of your lavish manor?"
"Oh, God." You shuddered. "You don't want that. If I had a big place to myself, I'd trash it."
"Please. You don't give yourself enough credit. You do fine with Deja."
"Yeah, only because I keep the disaster area contained to my room."
"Uh-huh." They shrugged, looking up at the glowing starry roof. "That's good enough for me. Sometimes I get jealous. You and Deja having all the roommate fun."
"Really?" The idea was absurd to you. You spent a good deal of time with them without needing to live together. "You're around so often, you're practically the third roommate."
"It's… not the same. Living with you sounds fun. Both of you."
Cam looked at you. The back of the van was feeling smaller. It was a tight space with you and all five of them back there weeks ago, but somehow, laying there with Cam, close enough for their breath to tickle your face, there was barely room to breathe. Or maybe you were just forgetting to. You were close enough to—
"You ever kissed anyone before?" you asked without thinking.
"W—what?" Their face burst into a splotch of red.
"I'm just asking!" You held your hands up in surrender. They shifted to stare at the ceiling, their face burning. It wasn't that big of a deal, you thought. A kiss was just a kiss.
"I need to speak with my lawyer."
"I'm right here. Spill."
"Why are you my lawyer? I can be my own lawyer," they huffed.
"Yeah, but you really shouldn't."
"Uuuugggghhhh. Fine. I…" Their eyes shifted around, like someone would jump out of nowhere with a camera. "No. I… haven't, actually."
"Really?" The thought was honestly shocking to you. Who wouldn't kiss Cameron Molinares?
"Just… never happened." Their head rolled to their side to look at you. "You?"
You made a face. "Once. They tasted like carrots."
"Could've been worse."
"I guess." You were still having a hard time getting past it. You grinned. "Never? Not even cousin stuff?"
They smacked your shoulder, stifling a laugh. "Shut up. It's embarrassing."
"Nah. I'd probably take back the carrot one if I could, then we'd be even. I kind of hated them anyway."
"Who don't you hate?"
You, you thought.
"Fair enough," you said. "Still, I don't think it was a real kiss."
"What makes it real?"
"Mm…" You mused on it for a moment. "Maybe if I actually liked them. Or maybe if I were older. I was still in high school."
Cam raised their eyebrows. "I think high school counts."
"Okay, fine, I just didn't like them, then."
They smiled with a sigh. "You don't like anyone. You'll never get to experience a real kiss, then."
"Never… how tragic."
They stared at you.
You stared at them.
Was that supposed to mean—
They grabbed your face and shoved their mouth against it.
Not the most romantic way to describe a kiss, but at the time, that was what it felt like. Their face against yours, their lips on yours. You didn't have to think about leaning into it. You just did. Cam never gave you time to think. For them, you'd do anything. Their hands squeezed your face, and you hoped they couldn't feel how hot your cheeks were.
They broke away. Your world was swept away from under you. You were left crashing down with no more floor to hold you. "Sorry, I'm sorry, I—"
You pulled them back to you. You don't get to take this back, Cam.
You forgot to pay attention to what they tasted like before. It wasn't carrots. It was more like… mouth. They tasted like mouth. You held back a giggle. You didn’t care. You wanted to pick them up and hold them. You wanted to wrap your arms around them, and lean into the smell of their shampoo, and, and, and—
You finally broke away to catch your breath. You were still so close, half your breaths were theirs. It should have felt claustrophobic. It didn't.
They laughed, of all things. They laughed, their face burning, beads of sweat on their forehead. "Did that one count?" they asked through breathy giggles.
You smiled. "…Yeah. It did."
"For real?"
"For real."
The two of you stared at each other. You probably didn't look much more put-together than they did. It was alright.
"So, are we like… dating or something?" they asked, a glimmer of hope in their eyes.
You froze.
Your breath hitched in your throat. You loved this. You loved Cam. You wanted to spend every day with them. But why would they care so much about a grump like you? They were sunshine, and you were a dark, gloomy raincloud. They seized life, and you let it drag you along. How long until they found out all you were was a dead weight?
Their expression dimmed. "It's fine if—"
"No!" You cut them off. "No, no, no, um, yeah." You smiled. "We're dating."
You scolded yourself mentally for hesitating. They thought it was something wrong with them. That you didn't want them. That wouldn't do. That wouldn't do at all.
You liked them. They liked you, somehow… for now. When all was said and done, you wouldn't mind being adored by Cameron Molinares until they realized you weren't worth it. It was selfish. It was sick. You weren't enough for them. You weren't the right person for someone as bright as Cam. You were inevitably going to turn their blue skies a dreary grey, but you'd let it happen just so they could love you.
Because who else would?
They squeaked, just a tiny bit, and kissed you on the forehead. And then did it again. And again. "I've been wanting to do that forever. Like when you see a cat, and wanna squish them? I just see you, and I wanna—" They kissed your forehead again. Your face burned.
You'd have to tell Deja eventually. The guys, too. They'd make a big deal out of it. Deja was allowed to celebrate, but if Percy made stupid, awkward comments about it for a moment too long, you'd slap his face off. This didn't have to be a big deal, did it? Things didn't have to change.
The world outside the van awaited. Deja. The guys. You still had work in the morning. But for the moment, you could pretend you were never going home. It would just be you, Cam, and the glowing stars on the ceiling of the van.
And somewhere between the kisses and giggling and cuddling and a few other things you were definitely not telling Deja about… you fell asleep.
You woke up to a gentle shake on the shoulder in the back of Cam's van, a blanket around your arms. They held out an iced coffee and a change of clothes. You didn't ask when they went to your room. Maybe they hadn't slept at all.
You took a deep breath, held it, and let it out. Cam smiled at you.
For the first time in a long time, the morning didn't feel so awful.