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Astronomy tower. 2:37am. Regulus was going to jump off.
He couldn’t take it anymore. Sure, his parents accepted him as a trans man but on one condition. He had to marry a woman of his parent’s choice. He wouldn’t do that. Not to James, the love of his life, the person he never wanted to hurt.
But Regulus knew, he couldn’t stay in this world, in this world where he knew that no matter what, he wouldn’t be comfortable in who he really was.
Regulus didn’t believe in much, but one thing he did believe in was that one day, maybe soon, maybe far away, he would hurt James. And thats the last thing Regulus wanted.
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One week. He had one week before his plans. He was going to make the most of it but he had to prepare, write his letters, his goodbyes. He didn’t want to. This is not how Regulus intended his end to be like, but overall, it was inevitable. He was going to do it sooner or later, so why not do it while it’s bad, so he never has to go through it again. So he wont hurt someone more than he will if he does it later.
He wrote his letter to James first.
My dear James,
Im sorry. Im sorry it has to end this way but i want you to know one thing.
I will always love you. My darling, My love, Mon soleil. I want you to know that i will never stop loving you. You were my everything and you always will be. But i cant keep living like this. This isn’t me, i don’t feel like me, this isn’t my body or who i am. You deserve someone who knows what they need. And thats not me. Im selfish, but you’re so kind. So caring. So lovely.
I only want one thing from you Jamie.
Please, when you next find yourself in this tower, look at the stars one more time for me. Just once. And forget me. Move on.
Please Mon soleil dont wait for me, because i’m not coming back. Live your dream life Jamie, build that family you always wanted and forget me. Please Jamie.
All my love, Your star. Regulus Black.
Regulus doesn’t remember whos letter he wrote next, but he does remember one thing. He asked everyone to look at the stars one last time, think of him, and move on.
He didn’t want anyone to miss him. Not Sirius. Not Barty, Evan, Dorcas or Pandora.
Regulus knew deep inside that he did want them to miss him, to think of him every time they saw his star, but he didn’t want that really. They all deserved to live their lives, not burdened by the decision to end his.
Regulus folded all this letters, each roughly ripped piece of parchment stained with smudged ink from where his tears dropped, sealed nicely in small envelopes with a stamp of wax.
The next week Regulus’ plans haunted him, always lingering in the back of his mind when with his friends, when with James or Sirius. He tried to ignore them he really did, attempting to cherish every last second with the people he loved most in the whole world. But the horrible thought came back every time.
This made Regulus realise that this was his destiny, that Regulus wasn’t destined for happiness, but for death.
He made sure that every time he said those three sacred words, “I love you” the recipient knew he meant it, with every fibre in his body. The body that wasn’t his own.
Soon the day came. The day that has been following him like a ghost. He said goodnight to his dorm mates, waited, took his letters and left.
Sunday, August 17th. 2:37am. The Astronomy tower.
Regulus took off his robe, folded it neatly and put it in the middle of the tower. He took out his wand next, he took one last look at the stem. J+R. James and Regulus. From their first date. James took Regulus’ wand and engraved their initials onto it. “So that every time you use magic you think of me”. James’ words echoed in his mind over and over. Regulus might’ve been standing there for 10 minutes replaying that whole day minute by minute, making sure his last memory on this earth was one he cherished most, his last memory with the person he loved the most.
Regulus snapped back into reality as the wholesome memory faded out, his plans circling right back to him.
He placed the wand across his folded robes.
The letters came next.
He took one final look at each one, His touch lingering on James’ letter just a second longer.
He also placed those ontop of his robes, beside his wand in a neat pile with James’ ontop. The name “Jamie” written across the envelope.
He looked at his pile, the pile of memories from the past 2 years of his god awful life. The life he never wanted anyone to relive.
He picked up James’ letter once more and turned it over.
On the bottom scribbled in messy handwriting, unlike his usual neat, cursive beautiful writing. It wrote
“Ill love you in every universe my perfect, oh so perfect Jamie”
He placed the letter back down and didn’t look back. but he knew the letter wasn’t in the neat pile like the rest were. It was slightly angled, making it stand out more than the others. Just like James. Always standing out in a crowd, lighting up every room he’s in with his golden laughter.
The end was near for Regulus. He stood at the edge of the tower ready to end this nightmare he was living in.
One step. One step and it would all be over. All his pain would be gone.
Footsteps getting closer.
No.
No.
No…
All that was running through Regulus’ mind was “No, Please not now..”
The sound was slow, cautious. But they stopped. Regulus took his chance.
One foot off the edge, the other soon followed.
“Regulus..” was all he heard before his final step.
That same soft, loving voice he heard before.
James.
It was James.
James had found him, the last person to see Regulus Black alive was James Potter.
Regulus relished in the feeling of falling fast.
He was almost there. Almost at the ground.
But it was getting further away, he was slowing down.
What was going on?
The end getting further and further away no matter how much he tried to pull himself back down towards it.
Regulus landed back on the tower onto on something that wasn’t the cold stone he was used to, rather the warm soft touch of his boyfriend. James Potter had saved Regulus Black.
He didn’t want this. He tried to get out of the warm tight embrace of his boyfriend but he wouldn’t budge. He gave up kicking and shouting and the tears started flowing.
James pushed both him and Regulus to a wall pulling him closer and whispering to him. tears staining His face aswell.
“Shh Reggie its okay. its okay Reggie im here. I wont let you go my star. dont leave me please..”
Each sentence that came out of James’ mouth started to sound more and more desperate. Each crack in James’voice reminded Regulus why he never wanted to hurt him.
“James let me go. I cant do this anymore please James i cant live like this please Jamie… please.”
The last please coming out as practically like a whisper. But James didn’t budge, Regulus knew he wouldn’t, and he accepted it. Melting into the warm embrace and letting himself cry.
“Why Regulus.. Why would you try to do this my love. talk to me”
Regulus lifted his head up to look at James.
“Im so sorry. James im so sorry.” Tears continued to flow with every word
“Its okay my star. It will all be okay. I wont let you go”
“I just couldn’t stay. I couldn’t live in this world anymore. In this body that is so clearly not mine” Regulus hiccuped between almost every word that was spilling out of his mouth.
“I wasnt made for this body. Im not sure what i was made for but its not this life Jamie”
James took in a breath at those words. He could t believe that Regulus felt this way. His Regulus. James let out the breath before he began to speak again.
"Regulus, im not a religious person but sometimes I do think that God made you for me"
Regulus lifted his head up once again after that.
“Take me back James. Take me away from this tower. Please”
James complied, lifting Regulus up into his arms, also picking up the things discarded in the middle of the tower.
Regulus doesn’t know when he fell asleep but all he knows is that he woke up in James’ familiar warm embrace.
Regulus didn’t believe in much, and he certainly didn’t believe in God. But one thing he did believe in was that this was where he belonged. In James Potters arms.
This was the life God intended for Regulus Arcturus Black. And now, for the first time in a while, Regulus was okay with that.