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Trust and love are not the same thing. Trust is a muscle: you need to prove it day by day. You need to exercise it to make it strong. Trust requires consistency and effort. Trust needs to be gained and kept. Once one breaks it, nothing can fix it well enough, and the result is too fragile. There are no band-aids, no casts, for trust. If it breaks, then it breaks. Love, on the other hand, doesn't need anything. Love would feed off fantasies and memories. Love would decide for itself, stay there and never leave you, or leave without any notice; no matter how much you try to break it, no matter how much effort you put into it, no matter how much of yourself you give out for its sake. Love would stay as much as it pleases.
Dylan knew this. He was, in fact, waiting for love to leave his heart: he was waiting for himself to be able to function again without any pain, without any false hope. ‘Cause his love was feeding off excerpts of daydreaming, broken dreams, and some almost-forgotten remembrance of past years.
He sighed. He woke up in his own room, last night's dream still lingering on his sleepy brain. It was the middle of the afternoon, and he fell asleep after spending the night on a song he couldn’t work out. His head felt like exploding, and the voices in the living room were not helping either.
“Fix yourself, Jun!”
“Stop blaming it on me!” Great, another useless fight about who ate Pepper’s biscuits. Or so Dylan thought, until Jun’s exasperated voice spoke again. “I’m not trying to ruin Thame’s life!” The tone was not polite, but Dylan could tell there were hurt feelings behind those words. “I didn’t know he actually liked Po.”
Dylan realized he would have preferred waking up to a biscuits-related issue. Into his chest, his heart sank stupidly. The day before they all had to witness the dumbest shitass issue between Thame and Jun, all about that one employee, Po, who was actually trying to help them. The two idiots decided to make everything more complicated, with silly arguments, fights over who would help Po cook, who would set the table, and who would spend time with the MV director. And if it was about mind games, everyone knew Thame had no chances against Jun.
“Do you actually like Po?” he heard Pepper ask. The tone was now significantly lower, but he could still hear everything. The answer didn’t arrive, but the silence was loud enough. Instead, the noise of a door slamming shut was muffled compared to the mad beating of his own heart. He put a hand on his chest, trying to calm it down. In moments like this, he could feel his own brain fighting with the weird chemical reaction of hormones. Love against ratio, always the same lame war.
He hated it. He knew those feelings were old, and he spent months, years, telling himself they would leave him, sooner or later. But the time never came; he was left alone with that weird pressure on his chest, and sleepless nights with a stomach ache when he drank too much coffee. He was not an idiot; he knew well why his heart still ached for Jun. Since Thame reached out, trying to put MARS back together, he felt hope filling his body. He was aware nothing would have brought them back to what they were before that mess. He knew that some things needed to reach their lowest before finding their new setting. That was for MARS, too, apparently. They weren’t the same as before, but they knew each other’s weaknesses now. Since they got back together, the members have talked properly, and they have been trying out healthier discussions and honesty. They were building back trust, and even if Dylan had always been quite adamant about second chances, he had to admit welcoming his friends back to the house had been easier than he thought. Nano fit in without even a word. He just moved back to the shared apartment without any notice, screaming in shock when he found Dylan’s sleeping corpse on the sofa. The younger overreacted about his condition - bags under his eyes, the stinky jumpsuit, and mugs of coffee everywhere - and yelled at him into a shower and get a full night's sleep. When Dylan went back to the living room to fix his mess, he found the mugs drying clean on the sink in the kitchen.
Pepper got into the house some days later. He was one of the firsts to join the new MARS, but his relationship with Gam made him hesitant about staying in the apartment. He worked out things with her soon enough, finding some kind of agreement seeing each other during weekends as soon as the single was out and the company recognized their value. He moved in silently, only leaving his favorite biscuits in the usual cupboard, filling the fridge with healthy food, and not only Chinese leftovers (which quite annoyed Dylan, but he was overall glad Pepper was back).
He thought his nerves were gonna break when Thame finally moved back. He could tell the leader was doing his best to show both Nano and Dylan his sincerity, but while the youngest was happy to have his gang back, Dylan found it difficult to rebuild their bond. He still wanted to write songs together and hang out in the improvised studio in his room, but for some time, he just couldn’t bring himself to do so. He tried to joke around and hang out in the living room more, trying to force himself to stay in touch with others. But the more he tried to stay close to Thame, the more he found himself wearing headphones to avoid talking.
“Stop this nonsense and go talk to him”, it was again Nano to put some sense into him. Dylan tried to escape the conversation, pretending to have loud music in his headphones. “This trick works on Jun, not on me. I know you can hear me, you jerk”.
At that, Dylan opened his eyes and sighed. “I don’t know what I should tell him”.But Nano didn’t care and called Thame there, and coordinated the weird couple-therapy session, which somehow ended with a snippet of a new song and a relaxed hug. That was the only moment Dylan believed in changes.
Jun was not one to stay. He would come and go as he pleased, and that never failed to drive Dylan insane. Jun would just enter the living room, water the damn tree and then disappear for days. God only knew what he was up to. And Dylan didn’t want to know, to be fully honest. Jun had always been nerve-wracking to him: any conversation with him ended up in mind games, and his logical thinking was always blind to instincts or feelings. He was the smartest of all of them, but sometimes that was the biggest obstacle in their relationship. That was probably one of the reasons they always fought. Dylan acted on instincts, always independent and sometimes too focused on the results rather than on the process. Jun was… well, Jun was stubborn, confident in himself, always plotting something and trusting the process. Those flaws quickly showed their charm. And their little fights became dear to Dylan, who secretly enjoyed himself while snapping back at the other. He had fun with their dynamics, and he was glad that the bickering made the others laugh. Sooner than he expected, he found himself wishing to get closer to Jun. He would sit close to him, sometimes (not too many, though, he didn’t want to raise suspicions). His knee would distractingly lean against the other, barely touching. He would start eating breakfast in the morning, just to make sure to spend some time alone with Jun, just staying silent and criticizing the way he ate his cereals (putting them in the mug before milk). And then everything fell apart. MARS was over. And he was left alone with those feelings, too little to be relevant, too big for him to know what to do with them.
“Dylan?” he opened his eyes, hearing his name behind the door. Nano was knocking. “Can I come in?”. The voice was sad, but Dylan couldn’t pinpoint the reason.
“Come in”.
Nano closed the door behind his back. His eyes didn’t linger on the crumpled pieces of paper on the floor, and he didn’t even comment on the smell of coffee in the room. Something was totally off. Dylan sat now on his bed. The headache still bothered him.
“What’s up, Nano?”
“Did you hear?”
“Some of it, yeah.”
“I’m sorry”, he lowered his eyes. Dylan was confused.
“What are you sorry about?”
“Yesterday I made some comment on you and Jun, and I was so sure that Jun was just messing with Thame. I didn’t know he was serious”.
Dylan nodded. He remembered it. While Dylan was rolling his eyes at the two (three, including Po) in-love idiots, Nano made some remark about him being jealous of Jun. He remembered playing dumb and muttering something.
“I still don’t get why you are apologizing.”
“Jun likes Po. He argued with Pepper. And you’re here playing My Chemical Romance till dawn!” Nano's frustration was quite evident by now. Dylan stayed silent for a bit, feeling guilty without really understanding. When he tried to talk, the tone was cautious.
“You cannot make things go well alone, Nano.”
“I know! But why do I feel like I’m the only one left to put some sense into you guys?” The burst scared the older a bit, who flinched in pain. That was enough to make Nano worry. “Sorry… Are you okay? You look pale.”
“Just a headache”, but by the time he finished the sentence, Nano got up, opened the curtains and the window, letting the quiet sound of the rain in.
“I think you should get up and rest on the sofa. I’ll clean the room for you a bit, you’ll get sick for real if you keep up this pace”.
“We don’t have time for this, Nano.”
“If people here have time to argue about crushes, you can find time to take care of yourself.” That was final. Nano was quite resolute.
“Okay… But don’t clean up my mess, I’ll do it tonight. I promise”.
“Okay.”
He woke up in the middle of the night with something fresh against his skin. Skinship had always been his love language, but it wasn’t something he could do with just anyone. His heart loved to feel caressed, but it needed the right hands. And right now, with that fresh tissue on his skin, his heart felt at ease. The pain was still there, and his body felt weak. He tried to sit down, but this wasn’t the right time to fall sick.
“Nano?” he guessed without daring to open his eyes.
“Try again”, Jun’s voice went straight to his heart, but he didn’t have enough in him to make any sassy remarks. “Wow, you’re not protesting. You must be really sick”.
“I have to work”, he muttered.
“Nice try, Nano already threatened me not to let you. I fear for my life more than I fear for yours, right now.”
“Fuck you”.
“Stop acting up, and let me help, for once.” For a moment, he took some time to look at Jun properly. He looked tired, and something in his eyes was sad. Was he really that in love with Po? He sat next to him with a bowl of congee in his hands. “Here, eat this. Nano told me you didn’t have anything to eat all day”.
He softly thanked the other and brought the spoon to his mouth without complaining.
“Is it good?” Jun asked
“It is. Did you make it?”
“Would you still eat it if I said so?”
“No.”
Jun rolled his eyes. “I bought it from the store at the end of the street and just heat it up for you.”
“Thanks”.
“It’s okay”.
Silence fell upon them. Dylan ate silently, despite his stomach feeling full after a couple of spoons. He didn’t want to argue with Jun on this matter. And he knew he couldn’t argue with Nano either. He was feeling a bit better after eating: the headache was now bearable, but the sticky feeling on his skin felt quite gross. He must have sweated a lot while his body was trying to fight the fever.
“You look quite bad”, there was some kind of pity in Jun’s voice.
“Look who’s talking”. Jun smiled mildly at that. The hint of sadness in his eyes came back in full force. “Do you want to talk about it?”
It was not like them, and he knew. They weren't the ones to do deep talks and heart-to-heart chats. Partly because Dylan wasn’t sure Jun could actually suffer from unrequited love. He thought his logic would have made it easier for him.
Jun looked at him for a moment and hesitated.“I don’t know. I already resolved that with Thame, anyway”, he smiled and looked away. Dylan’s heart was now aching more than anything.
“You told him you like Po?”
“No. I told him I don’t, but I tried to make sure he knows how to take care of himself”. He then looked up, and when their eyes met, Dylan knew Jun was in pain. “It’s not like I love him, or anything. It’s just a silly crush and I’ll get over it. Just-”
“You need time to process. And you need time to feel sad about it. I know.”
“How?” Jun’s eyes were now open in disbelief. Dylan hesitated. He didn’t want to expose himself too much; he didn’t want to put his trust back in the same person who broke it before. The same person who promised everything was going to stay the same, but then left. The urge to be honest with Jun, with himself, was stronger than anything.
“I went through the same stuff”. The past tense was some audacious move, given the fact that he was indeed still going through it. Jun’s eyes lowered again.
“Did it pass?” He was asking that with a hint of hope. But Dylan did not answer, feeling almost guilty. The truth was - and he knew - part of him didn't want to let Jun go. And just the thought of doing so… it felt wrong.
Jun didn't ask further. Instead, he tried to smile.
“I know Po likes Thame. Maybe he loves him already. They’re going to be an unbearable couple, just so you know.”
“I put up with you every day, could they be any worse?”
“Oh my god, Dylan, do you ever stop hating me?”
“I don’t hate you”. Words escaped his mouth before he could have stopped them. Jun smiled - a genuine smile, as if he succeeded in making the other admit something for the first time. The face of someone who just heard something incredible and absolutely unexpected. Dylan felt his cheeks burning up; he'd later blame it on the fever.
“I know”, he cheered.
“Then why you asked, you dipshit.”
“Take your meds, kiddo, stop talking nonsense”.
“You’re the one talking nonsense”.
“I was having a heart-to-heart here!”
“Do you have a heart?”
“Fuck you, Dyl”, but he was laughing. For a moment, his eyes earned back their spark.
And Dylan’s heart cheered. He did something good today. Even if his body was sick and his heart was aching, he made Jun smile. The rapper took the meds. For only a moment, he wished there was some cure for a broken heart, too. He surprised himself, realizing he would have used it on Jun first.
Jun stayed in the house that night. He said something about wanting to go back to living with them and spend time with the members. Focusing one hundred percent on their comeback, no more distractions. He didn’t consider himself a distraction to Dylan, though. That’s why the next day, the rapper was once again in his room, refusing to leave as he heard the noise of the last member of MARS to finally join them in the group house.
He was still in bed, trying to make sense of his head. He missed Jun. But he didn’t want to stay around him too much - all the progress he made would have been affected by the sole existence of the other. He thought about their talk from the night before. The sadness in Jun’s eyes, as he asked why he knew so much about unrequited love. His smile, the beautiful smile on his lips, with teeth and gums and the eyes closed, showing off his damn dimples. Dylan groaned. He wanted to see it again. At least he wouldn’t have to worry about any progress he had ever made - by now, everything was already in pieces. His hands covered his eyes, fingers grasped the silver hair out of frustration. He was so messed up. Maybe he should have moved. That would have solved everything. He would have told the others that he was too overwhelmed or some shit and go back to living in his peaceful apartment. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
Too bad he was broke and on the verge of losing his job. He sat up on the mattress, head resting against the wall. Eyes closed, he tried to calm his nerves and find again his own mental stability.
The knocking at his door made him groan again.
“Not now, Nano!”
“Get up, breakfast is ready, and you need to take your meds!”
“Just bring me some coffee!”
“I’m not your damn butler!”
After a quick shower, he went back to the kitchen. In his hands, there were four mugs stained with coffee grounds - just some of those he collected during the years. Pepper let out a long whistle.
“I’m hiding coffee”, Pepper stood up immediately.
“Don’t you dare!”
“You drink too much of that shit, Dylan”, Thame’s face looked concerned.
“I’m fine, it was just a cold”.
“Yeah, sure, as you say. You were whimpering in your sleep. Just rest”, Nano joined the argument. Defeated, Dylan sighed.
“Can I have some juice, at least?”
“Jun went out to buy it for you.”
Dylan stood still, eyes staring at Pepper as if he had just popped up there.
“What?”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did he go buy it?”
“‘Cause we ran out of juice?” Jun appeared behind him with two cartons of his favorite brand of juice and some more medicines. “We also ran out of vitamins and stuff, we should all keep in check. Don’t want to play the nurse again anytime soon”.
“Nobody asked you.”
“As a matter of fact, Nano did.”
“As a matter of fact, I did not.”
“Shut up, Nano”.
The silver-haired guy witnessed the whole thing while trying to pour himself a glass of juice. His mind was trying to ignore the fact that he was the only one in that kitchen to drink that particular juice - orange and pomegranate, no sugar. And Jun knew exactly which brand to buy.
“Po’s gonna be here by any minute now”. Thame broke the bickering. “Nano, I need you, Jun, and Pepper to try out the choreo. Dylan, you stay home…”
“To work on the-”
“To fucking rest, Dyl.”
“But I’ll fall behind! We don’t have time for that!”
“He’s right here, Thame”. All the eyes fell on Jun as he grew another head. Was he agreeing with Dylan? Never happened before. “At least, let him come and watch”.
“I can dan-” the rapper tried to intervene, but he was soon cut off.
“He can come to watch”, and with that, Thame let everyone know there wouldn’t be further discussions.
“Did anyone notice I’m here?” the rapper muttered.
“Yup, just deliberately chose to ignore you”, with a friendly pat on his shoulder and a satisfied smile, Jun left the room. He stopped for a second, watching the drink in the rapper’s hand. “Where’s your mug?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. Dylan shrugged.
Staying in the same room as Po might not have been the best choice for Dylan. Not when he turned out to be his crush’s crush. The man Jun was pining for. He was sitting on the floor of the shabby practice room they rented, Po right next to him, filming some kind of content. Rather than learning the choreo from afar, Dylan was distracted by watching his leader’s boyfriend. His small nose was just perfect in that square face; the eyes looked attentive while he roamed around the room, the muscular arms keeping the camera pointed at the group practicing. The lips were just a bit parted, and the furrowed eyebrows showed how much focus he was putting into every movement. Po was handsome, his built figure was manly enough to make him look older than his age. He was reflexive, always quiet, and he looked like the kind of person you wanted to advise you about what kind of gift to prepare for your mother’s birthday. He was calm, polite. Not even once was he heard talking back or complaining.
Po was, in short, everything that Dylan wasn’t. The rapper’s body was small, petite, maybe. His muscles were not as big, not as manly. His thin face was way more feminine, and his style consisted of baggy pants and comfortable woodies rather than jeans and shirts. He was impulsive, always making sassy comments and finding joy in bickering. If Po was the guy for Jun, he couldn’t say the same for himself. His eyes lowered to his own hands in his lap. For the first time, he felt like crying.
“Let’s take a break?” Jun’s voice came to his ears right away. Practice was going on for about an hour now, and Jun wasn’t the only one visibly tired. Thame nodded, out of breath after the intense dancing; with a gesture of the end, the group was dismissed. Then, he went up to Po, who was handing him a bottle of water, the cup accurately removed, and smiling tenderly. Dylan smiled sadly, finding the couple cute. His glance ran to Jun’s, wondering if he was watching the scene too. He was surprised to find Jun’s brown eyes staring at him instead. The singer walked to him with a bottle of water in his hands.
“Could you open it up for me? My hands are too sweaty”, he asked.
“Use your shirt”, Dylan looked at him in confusion.
“Come on, be nice for once.”
“I’m always nice”, the rapper accepted the bottle and removed the cup. “Just not to you”.
“What did I do to deserve this special treatment?”
Behind his eyes, there was a glimpse of something Dylan couldn’t grasp. A smug smile on the other’s face.
“This is what you get by being a dick”, he answered, rolling up his eyes.
“I am literally never a dick to you”.
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“That’s not true”.
“That’s very much true.” Jun took a long sip from the bottle. Dylan tried his best not to stare at the square jaw and his attractive features.
“You’re always picking up a fight.”
“That sounds like you”.
“You’re picking up a fight right now”. At that, Jun stopped. He looked like he was contemplating what Dylan had just said. Then he sat down next to him.
“Okay, touché!” He paused. He spread his legs open, stretched his arms long behind him, leaning back. His half-satisfied smile didn’t leave his face, not even when his eyes stopped on Dylan’s. “Does this count as a special treatment, too?”
“You freaky bastard”.
At that, Jun laughed. Dylan couldn’t help but smile. Too absorbed in their conversation, the rapper didn’t notice Nano’s knowing glance at Pepper.
Three hours later, they were all eating at the house again. It was Sunday, the weather was still quite humid, and the rain wouldn’t stop. Dylan loved rainy days. He felt like he could express himself better when the storm outside was at its fullest. It was like the weather could lift the toll weighing on his shoulder, or just help him process his own emotions. His best songs were written during the rainy season. It didn’t matter if it was happy, or sad, angry, or emotional, it could have been a ballad or some cutesy concept - but the weather could let him feel more confident, more in touch with his own persona.
“I’ll review the part of the choreo we discussed earlier”, Nano said. “But we’ll need the production to be done in the next few days, so that we can record the whole thing next week”.
All eyes fell on Dylan after that. Thame looked worried.
“Yep, I’ll be on it after lunch. I rested enough, you don’t need to worry”.
“Said the same thing yesterday afternoon”, Nano muttered.
“Give me some credit. This time I’m okay, I do feel more rested and I’m quite inspired to be honest”.
“Okay, go ahead. But as soon as you feel a little unwell, you need to stop and rest. We need you at your full potential”.
Dylan nodded. He couldn’t hold back a satisfied smile as he ate another bite of his steak. The chatter went back to normal soon enough. Pepper was flirting with his girlfriend at the table, while Po and Thame were glancing at each other, probably thinking they were being sneaky. The leader offered some veggies to his boyfriend, then proceeded to put them on the plate for him. They looked happy. His eyes gravitated naturally towards Jun, who looked awfully silent. The boy had a calm smile plastered on his face, but his eyes lingered on Po. At the other end of the table, he met Nano’s eyes. The youngest must have had the same thought. He shook his head a little at the rapper.
For a moment, Dylan wondered what Jun was thinking. He looked at his eyes. They looked mesmerized by the scene, without hiding a hint of sadness. For a moment, he wondered how the table would have looked if Jun were in Thame’s place. Dylan felt dying inside. He didn’t think he would have been able to be happy for them. He didn’t even think he could have watched the scene with such a relaxed expression, without wondering if Po was wearing Jun’s hoodie or if it was only his imagination. He felt his heart clench under the pressure of those fake scenarios. It was the first time he actually considered losing Jun to someone else. All those years, also thanks to the dating veto, he never considered that Jun could fall in love with another person - he just simply thought about him not reciprocating his feelings. The mere thought of Jun kissing someone got him sick. He wished he were that person. He wished he were Po. Too focused on his own mind, he almost didn’t notice Jun’s knee leaning distractedly on his own.
Suddenly, the food on his plate lost all its taste. He forced himself to chew some other bites, just not to have to argue with Nano over his own health. When he finished, he stood up, stretching his back.
“Where are you going?” Jun looked annoyed.
“Back in my room, I need to work.” Dylan just brought his place to the dishwasher and proceeded to load it.
“We’re all here together”.
“I already lost the morning to sitting and looking pretty. I really need to go back to work”.
“Here I thought you were now a social butterfly!” His tone was sharp - Dylan couldn’t pinpoint the reason for that comment. But it was enough to convince himself it was time to leave the room.
“Here I thought you were minding your business!” Dylan snapped back. “Guess we both have some unrealistic expectations”.
“Fuck you, Dylan.”
“After you.”
“Stop that!” Pepper intervened, but Dylan had already disappeared behind the door of his room.
Sometimes thunderstorms spoke for him. The weather got uglier - the wind was now so strong the small tree in front of his window bent under the pressure, and rain was infuriating against his window. It was now dark, but Dylan didn’t know exactly what time it was when he completed the song. The production was over. All the voices melted with a well-crafted backing track. He was a perfectionist; it was rare for him to be fully satisfied with something. He smiled and gave himself a good pat on his own shoulder. In the morning, he would let the members listen to it, and he just knew they’d love it. He was early on the schedule he was given, maybe they could slow down a bit then.
He got up and stretched his legs for the first time in hours. The alarm on his nightstand said 1.57 am. Maybe he should have eaten something before going to bed. When he closed the door behind his back, the first thing he noticed was the light from the kitchen. Someone must have had a sleepless night.
Sitting at the table was Jun. He had his eyes deep in the drink he was holding. His grasp on the mug was so strong that Dylan was scared it would break. He looked pensive. Next to him, on the table, where usually the rapper sat, there was a plate covered with some dinner leftovers.
“Shooting a music video?”
“Oh, hey”, Jun looked at him. On his face, there was no sign of the anger from before. They’d always been like this - fighting over little things, snapping at each other, then completely forgetting hours later. Nano always said it was their dynamic - two roosters in the same coop, but they had some kind of unexplored bond they didn’t acknowledge. It was never that serious, except when it was. There had been times when the tension didn’t die down. It took one more argument to break both their pride and let the affection emerge. At times, Thame had to play the mediator; at times, Nano had to bear with them, ignoring each other. Over the years, they grew out of the silent treatments, the shouts. They tried to get along, but the little fights, the childish bickerings, were just like them.
Dylan heated the dinner in the microwave. Without a word, he sat down and started eating. His eyes lingered on Jun’s hands - his long fingers, the way his thumb was slowly caressing the ceramic. It looked like he was trying to collect himself together. It was then that Dylan noticed the print on the mug. That was his mug - the one Jun asked about that very morning. It was a white tea mug with an illustration Jun had found on the internet. Two small dinosaurs hugging each other - one saying “It’s okay” to the other. It was the Christmas gift Jun had given him for their Secret Santa. It was unusually sweet of him, but Dylan had liked it a lot. He had used it for a long time. Until the group broke up.
“Did you take it from my cupboard?” There wasn’t anger in his voice.
“Yes, I wanted to know if you still had it”.
“I wouldn’t throw it away”.
“I know”.
Silence fell on them. One was eating, the other sipping his drink.
“Are you okay?” Dylan tried. Jun looked at him - it was one of the few times his face wouldn’t let anyone know what was going on behind the surface.
“I am… I’m just confused.”
“About what?” The silver-haired guy dared to ask. Another heart-to-heart, the second one in two days.
“I think I genuinely liked Po. I liked him for who he is. But I think I also liked myself when I was with him. I like this caring side of me, I liked knowing I could bicker with him and then make him smile”, Jun hesitated for a moment. Dylan tried his best to keep himself together. “But I think he just reignited something in me that was already there. I had been like this before with someone, and I find myself being comforted by their presence now that-”
He interrupted himself. Dylan’s lungs stopped working for a moment. He didn’t know what Jun meant. Was there someone else?
“Did you use Po as a replacement?”
“What? No, no”, Jun shook his head. “I just think that I had been this version of myself, but I didn’t name the feeling. And I wonder if I can do that now, looking back.”
“If you think looking back will help you, do it”, Dylan paused, trying to find the right words. He had to ignore the pressure on his chest. “But I don’t think your answers will be in the past. Maybe you should look to the future. If Po helped you feel like yourself again, maybe you should find a way to keep this version of Jun even without him”.
“I think I can”, Jun said the words almost in a whisper. “I actually do feel like myself now that I’m here”.
“Does it hurt to see him with Thame?”
“I don’t think so. When I see them, I think about my two friends having something beautiful. I liked him, but I’ve always known I had to compete with his crush on Thame. I think I stopped before I could get hurt. I was prepared.” Jun paused once again. He took a sip of the drink. “I was mentally prepared for this”.
Dylan snorted. “You and your damn brain”.
“What?” the other looked confused.
“You always plan, plot, try to understand, and prepare yourself. Never act on your emotions, just on your reason.”
The brunette stopped a second, her head tilted by his side, pondering the rapper’s words. The comforting sound of the rain filled the silence.
“I don’t think that’s true. I do react to the heat of the feeling, like today with you. But when I have to feel something deeper, I tend to explore that feeling differently. Like, I need to understand it first and put a name to it. Just so I can completely abandon myself to it.”
Dylan thought about it. He wondered if it was healthy for Jun to process everything; he wondered if people could function like that.
“Just- don’t hurt yourself thinking you need to have everything under your control”, he said, instead. “It’s okay to let go, sometimes.”
Jun smiled at him. It was tender, calm. Affectionate. The look in his eyes was warm, soft.
“Thank you for listening. And for saying all that, and he meant it. Dylan could see it in Jun’s eyes. “I just knew you would help me out.”
With that, he got up and threw the rest of the drink in the sink. The mug was left there, with the promise to wash it in the morning.
“Will you be able to sleep now?”
“Yeah, I think so. I was just waiting for you to come out from your den”. Dylan rolled his eyes again.
“I finished the song.”
“Did you?” Jun looked excited. The smile, those lovely wrinkles around his eyes, the dimples on his cheeks. He was so breathtakingly handsome when he did that.
“Yeah.”
“Can I listen to it?”
“In the morning, with everyone else”
“Come on, Dyl…”
“I want to sleep too, you know?”
“I forgot you needed it, too.”
“You’re such a menace, Jun.”
“You love me. Sleep tight!” And with a wave of the hand, he left. Dylan let go of a sigh.
“I guess I do”, he muttered once he heard the door of Jun’s room closing.
“That's dope!” Pepper was enthusiastic.
“You outdid yourself this time”, Thame looked proud. He patted Dylan's shoulder while Jun was clinging to him excitedly.
“We're so back, we are going for an all-kill!”
“You need to stop shouting in my ear, I kinda need it.”
“You would be Gen Z’s Beethoven. It could be a winning marketing strategy.” The brunette was laughing. He was in a good mood. “I can't believe we are doing this for real.”
“We are.” Pepper looked calm, but his gummy smile and the bright sparkle in his eyes betrayed his excitement.
“MARS is back,” Thame said it out loud, but it was more like he was repeating it to himself. A dream coming to reality.
Po entered the house to a tight group hug. Dylan had missed the feeling. He suddenly understood what Jun was trying to say the night before. While on hiatus, they lost themselves. He, too, had given so much to the group; losing them wasn't just right. It was like abandoning part of his own life, his warm bubble that wasn't just about music and anger towards a world that betrayed his trust. MARS was a lot more to him. They were the family he never got along with. They were midnight talks and worries about each other’s health. Cheering for success in their life, while pursuing a goal together. Going through adulthood, fighting with each other, and changing what they wanted to change. MARS gave him hope. MARS gifted him a goal for his future. His eyes met Jun’s smile. The brunette gave him a pat on his head, starting to jump. Soon, they all were jumping. Po’s laugh joined their screaming.They were happy.
That day, they all practiced the choreography. It was powerful, at times complicated, but their determination made them go through it. By the end of the day, they were all back at the apartment, taking turns to shower. Meanwhile, Po was there working on the documentary that the company had asked him about. Thame was in the shower, and Nano was taking his sweet time getting ready for dinner. Pepper was on the porch, talking on the phone to his girlfriend. Dylan took time to watch him. The gummy smile, the whispered confessions. All the tiredness from the practice - it all looked gone.
“I just realized I flirted with both Pepper and Thame’s partners”, Jun admitted out loud.
“Given the outcome, you probably suck at it”, Dylan shot back.
“Ouch”, the singer jokingly put a hand on his chest. “Let's ask Po. Do I?”
“Pretty much, yes”, Po answered without removing his eyes from the screen. “Always stirring up my anger.”
“You two make me look bad”, Jun complained. “I just love some healthy bickering. Gives more spice.”
That last sentence met two disgusted looks.
“Can y'all at least pretend?”
Po and Dylan laughed at that. Jun’s outraged look quickly softened. He gave Dylan a joking punch on his shoulder, making the other laugh even more.
“Stop flirting, go shower.” Thame was out of the bathroom. He was there shirtless, staring at the scene. Po’s cheeks colored softly.
“Like, together?”
“Oh my God, Jun.”
“You didn't specify.”
“Stop flirting, I said.”
“Says the one who's here shirtless in front of his boyfriend”, Dylan intervened, while getting up. He wasn't that surprised by Jun's playful comments, but he needed to hide that violent red shade at the base of his neck. “I'm going first.” Jun didn't try to argue with him. But Dylan felt two pairs of eyes on his back while walking to the bathroom.
That evening went well. They all ate together once again, talked about the future, and their plans. The dining room was calm. Pepper was talking to Po about some TV shows they both were obsessed with, Thame - probably too tired - was just quietly listening to the topic, saying something only when directly asked. Nano and Jun were commenting on the food of the new Chinese restaurant they tried, and lost themselves in a long digression about the best takeaways. Dylan was enjoying his noodles. When he tried out the dumplings Jun was talking about, he almost burnt his tongue with that, but Jun provided him with a glass of fresh water before he could say anything. The caring gesture made the rapper blush a little. During the whole time, their knees touched. Dylan didn’t know if it was some coincidence or some kind of reassurance from Jun, as if he was including him in the conversation, making him feel seen.
The silver-haired guy convinced himself it was all by accident. Yet, he couldn’t help but smile to himself while he bit another piece of a meat dumpling and found his glass already full of water. He again didn’t notice the knowing look Pepper and Thame exchanged.
That night was no different from the previous two. Dylan and Jun found themselves on the couch, playing some video game with the volume on mute. It was late, maybe 2 am, and they both knew they should have been sleeping. Especially knowing the next day was filming day and they needed it to be perfect. The brunette claimed to be too excited for their comeback, while the rapper fucked up his sleep schedule years before.
“You know, I might get used to this shit”, Jun said while his character’s kart fell down from the Rainbow road again.
“To lose? You should, by now”, Dylan’s smug face lit up with the colors on the TV, as his Yoshi crossed the finishing line.
“No, I mean - us”. With that, the rapper’s smile fell. He looked at the other in disbelief.
“W-what?” he faked a cough, while his heart ached in his chest. He had to remind himself that Jun was not saying what he wanted him to say. The grip on his chest was so tight he had to put a hand on it. “What do you mean?”
“It’s the third night I've spent with you like this”, Jun’s face looked concerned. “I know we used to play games till late before. I know it’s nothing new. But I feel like I needed this, and I needed you to be here.”
The look in his eyes was genuine. The silver-haired boy felt himself tremble a little. It was like panic had risen in his chest, his mind totally numb. He was not controlling his own body. He spent the last months, years wishing for a love that was not his. He spent time finding the brunette’s eyes, his voice, in love songs, driving himself crazy when anger joined love in his mind. He got accustomed to the pain, to the whole situation. He got so used to the thunderstorm that the slightest change in the wind made his heart race. Making his heart hopeful again and giving it a whole new pain. One kind he wasn’t used to, one that still hurt.
“It’s not funny.”
“I am not joking, Dyl.”
“You cannot do this shit to me, Jun”, Dylan’s voice was resolute. He felt his eyes stinging with tears, but was not able to let them go. “You cannot do this to me.”
“What am I doing?” the other looked confused. His tone was soft, the look in his eyes full of sympathy. Dylan hated this.
“I’m not Po. You cannot play games with me, and you cannot be nice, saying you needed me and then let everything go as you please.”
He was boiling with hunger. He didn’t even notice when he stood up. Jun was taken aback, staring at him with his mouth slightly open. After a moment of silence, he spoke. His voice was calm, as if he were trying to approach some wild deer.
“You’re not Po, you are right. But that doesn’t mean I am playing games with you.” Jun quietly stood up too - he was right in front of Dylan, who was now stuck between the coffee table and the sofa. The rapper noticed that soon enough, wondering if this move was intended not to let him run away from the conversation. “I know I am a mess. I know I just accepted that I lost the boy I liked, and I know it seems fairly unbelievable that I already got over it. Maybe I already was by the time I spoke with Thame, I don’t know. But, Dyl, let me be honest. If you want to believe I am some dick, it’s fair, do that. But just this time, believe me. I am not playing games.”
It required all of Dylan’s self-control to actually listen to him. His hands were still shaking, and his breathing was troubled. He felt weak in the legs - feelings had the whole body in check, not his mind.
“I know that in the past I hurt you. I know that we lost our friendship, and you felt betrayed. I know I wronged you. And I’m sorry for that”, Jun continued, his eyes didn’t leave the others’, “But trust me now. Sitting close to you feels right. And I have missed you. I have missed this. Believe me.”
The controllers were left on the couch. The white glare from the TV screen was the only thing that lightened their faces. Dylan nodded silently. He didn’t know what to say. He felt embarrassed by his reaction, vulnerable due to his feelings. He wanted to hug Jun, but pride held him back. He wanted to confess, but fear told him it was not the right moment. He just stood still. He saw Jun’s shoulder relaxing.
“I don't want to hurt you anymore.” Dylan stopped breathing. Eyes open wide, he looked at his bandmate. “I want to take care of you. Will you let me?”
“I don't know.” Those words came out quietly, in a breath. Dylan was confused. Jun nodded. He came close to him, holding back his breath. Their noses were just a few inches apart. Jun was slightly taller than him, and the rapper could feel the warm breath on his lips. He was looking at his lips.
Dylan’s heart gave up. And the brain surrendered to Jun. All he could sense was the proximity of the other's body, his own breath. Mixed feelings took over his mind: the anger from before, the hopefulness from the chat they just had, the unstoppable desire to kiss him, to tell him everything. He was tired. Tired of hiding, tired of being doubtful, angry, resentful, almost. He was tired of loving him in secret. And for a brief moment, his fear looked too small, too insignificant. For a brief moment, he thought that maybe - maybe - he needed to go on to know his answers.
At that moment, Dylan's lips clashed with the other's. He felt the body in front of him go rigid, but Jun didn't push him away. A hand lay on the rapper's hip, the other one went on his cheek. Jun’s lips were soft as they moved tenderly. They tasted like mint toothpaste and coffee. Dylan hated both, but in that moment, he could swear - it was everything he loved.
He melted against his hands, and his body felt weak. The adrenaline rush seemed not to work on his body as much as it did on his heart. He broke the kiss just to lean his forehead against the other's shoulder.
In the silence that followed, all they could hear was the soft tapping of light rain against the window.
“Maybe we should take it slow”, Jun tried.
“Yeah, we should.”
Dylan smiled.
Maybe trust and love are not that different. Love is stubborn, feeds itself off hope, and small gestures. It's made of warm dinner leftovers at 2 am and bickerings. It needs small things and long talks. Maybe love is a muscle, too, but it exercises even without you noticing. Trust needs time to build up, and love needs trust to take its time.