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Another day that pains, but is it actually? What a way to start the day, already falling into a spiral. Oh well.
Rogelio yawned as he walked into the bathroom and turned on the light. He had his mirror covered. He didn't like the reflection that stared back at him. By doing so, he started preparing for the day. His... lover was sleeping soundly in the bedroom, who had stayed the night. Knowing this he was a little more at ease. Just a little bit.
His mind began to wander while brushing his teeth, he didn't understand why John had such faith in him. So much love and attention for him. He knows it radiates from John. He can see it, feel it, hear it. To say the least, it was frightening.
Did he really meet John's expectations? Even so, was he even worth it? John should be somewhere else, not here. All these questions he can’t get answers for.
Right?
What if John is waiting to find the right moment to leave?
Rogelio began to feel overwhelmed, the light of the bathroom felt unbearable. It shone so brightly as if it was calling him out on the spot. It didn’t help that he saw his cross on the countertop of the sink. God’s faithful servant, one that he has failed. Of course, this was his Hell. One that Rogelio surely felt that he deserved.
The thoughts continued.
Was he actually ever valuable in any way? Maybe.. John never loved him. How could he?
It struck him like a gunshot. A feeling of sorrow began to wash over him, tears welling up in his eyes. He's glad he covered the mirror.
Meanwhile, John awakened. He noticed the light escaping from the doorway and grinned warmly as he realized where Rogelio was, making the decision to approach him. A sweet surprise for his darling.
John opened the door gradually as he entered. With a situation he didn't anticipate.
Rogelio was in tears.
John then called his name. With care in his voice, desperation to know.
To which, Rogelio would turn around and say, "Oh, Dios Mio," while turning to face away. John wasn’t supposed to see this but what was he expecting. Truly another fault of his.
John noted his reaction and remained at the entranceway. "...Are you alright?" Of course he had to ask, what else was he going to do? He couldn’t leave Rogelio all alone.
Rogelio responded, hesistance in his voice. "...Yes, yes. I'm fine...I'm fine." He would give off a long shaky sigh, "You can go back to bed." Hoping that would convince John, even though he knew that it wasn’t as convincing. Worth a try.
‘Ah. A stupid question.’ thought John. He would then say hoping to provide a bit of reassurance. “I'm not going to go back to bed.. besides I’m not tired. Rogelio, dear-”
*Dear.*
Rogelio could not get *that* name out of his head. Ouch. He felt so confused. He knows John means well. But with that, these thoughts made him lose touch, it was shocking. He covered his face with his hands and began to weep. Rogelio couldn't focus on anything around him at the moment. It was all too much for him.
But that was alright.
John realized and would put a hand on Rogelio's shoulder, just to test the waters. With no negative reaction, he wrapped his arms around Rogelio while being behind him, holding him in a warm embrace. A comforting one at that.
Silence among the two, only the buzzing of the bathroom light providing a snap back into reality. Who would be the first to speak?
Though, Rogelio was embarrassed. To be asking for such comfort tsk. How did John know? Even when he did not speak a single word. Only pushing him away. This plagued him. Maybe this was a test from God, what in the world is going on. Such vulnerability, such loss.
John was the first to break the crushing silence. "You know, I care about you right?”
“Mm.” was the only thing Rogelio could say in response.
“Of course I do Rogelio, dear.”
“...”
Noting the quiet reaction from Rogelio again. John asked, "Does the name bother you? Is that it?”
Rogelio heard the worry and he had so much to say but how could he? Face to face with John, a tense situation already there, but he just had to take the chance.
"....It's."
“Hm?”
"I'm just.. baffled, that's all."
"And nothing more?"
"Would you really even want to hear?"
John chuckled a bit at that remark. "Now, Rogelio Garcia. I have admired that handsome voice of yours before and will do it a billion times more. Of course I'll listen." Then it clicked for him. "Was *that* bothering you? Did you think I didn't.. care?"
Silence again.
John took this as a yes, “Mm, I'm assuming so then."
"..Yeah, you're.. right." admitted Rogelio cautiously.
John hugged him tighter and wanting to give more comfort began, "You are enough-"
"Shh, John. There's no need to."
"How will I let you sit here feeling like this, Rogelio? I couldn't and I won't. I know you would do the same."
Rogelio stood silent, flushed.
John proceeded to let him go from behind and held Rogelio's face with his hands. Another way to embrace him softly.
Rogelio struggled to keep a straight face, he began to become more flushed. Such kindness from John. He wanted to say more, but how could he.
"Now don't try to hide that sweet smile of yours, dear."
"Agh,.. amor stop."
"OoooOo, you called me your amor, ay?" John continued, "And you know? You've been so sweet with me and how could I not just call you dear and compliment you and so on. Hm?"
"Whatever..."
"Yes, Rogelio. I mean it. I know it can be difficult and I don't blame you but I will always listen to you. Whenever you’re ready."
Rogelio closed his eyes and sighed. Holding John's hands and squeezing tightly. "I trust you, I guess it was just a moment. Or well, other things too. It's not been.. easy for me. So much from our past haunts me. A constant reminder."
"Yeah, I could assume so. I'm glad I stayed the night then."
"Me too, amor."
John smiled, "You're such a sweetheart. C'mon let's get this towel off the mirror and get you ready for breakfast."
"Pffft, breakfast? Are you sure I can even trust you in the kitchen?" teased Rogelio.
Which John did back, "Yes, old man. Let's go make something.... together though."
"Mm, just because?"
"Yes, I need your company there. Otherwise, uh.. insert an excuse here and all that."
"Oh, sooo funny John. Oh, so funny."
"Shut up, whatever." said John as he kissed Rogelio's cheek leaving for the bedroom. Adding on, “Take your time doing what you need, see you in the kitchen.”
Rogelio watched John leave, as he carefully took off the towel from the mirror. He sighed.
Then he noticed a man who frequently questioned himself who questioned his lovers' concern and whether God really gave him a consideration. The man was aware that, despite this, he would be okay. He needed to improve a few things, at the very least, in order to accept responsibility and proceed but right now, he appreciated his lovers’ effort to make him feel better. He smiled softly at that, to the kitchen he would then go.
That man being Rogelio.