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The clock was ticking louder than usual. That was Light's first thought, noticing the way its sound seemed to resonate through the Headquarter's building before fading into obscurity as if it had never been there. Secondly, he remarked the time on the clock, 01:47 AM, the numbers themselves seemingly laughing at Light's current state of mind, a cruel reminder that get couldn't get out of there no matter how much he tried.
It was past midnight, the once welcoming office (more like torture room) lavished in natural sunlight now stood bathed in the soft glow of the moon and the brightness of the monitors which in the past few days became the Taskforce's most trusted partner and best friend. Matsuda and the others, including Light's father, left long ago, a way of ensuring they'll get enough rest to be in tip-top shape the next day, an advantage which Light was very jealous of in that moment.Now, the only people present, excluding the buzzing created by the computers, were Light and L.
It wasn't anything new per-se, ever since they've gotten tied together with that chain it became a common occurrence, a normalscy , something to be expected , so much so that it became comforting, knowing he could reach out to Ryuuzaki whenever he wanted if he so pleased. Tonight was different however, the supposed comfort of it all gone, replaced by a heavy tension in the air, threatening to snap at any given moment if any of them so much as breathed too loud. Despite all of that, Light tried his best to focus all his attention on the blinding light of the screen, doing his best to understand the blur of words that jumbled together and fighting the urge to either close his eyes or smash the computer to bits, which proved rather difficult as every five minutes he felt L's stare bore into him for a few seconds, watching, observing, in a secretive yet obvious way, like he wanted Light to catch him in the act.
Light Yagami, in all of his 18 years of existence never wanted to disappear as badly as he did now, never had he yearned so much for the ground to swallow him whole and never let him go back on the surface. It wasn't just some spur in the moment kind' of thing either, something that could perhaps be explained by the insistent forming of eyebags under his eyes and the prickling sensation of irritation boiling underneath his skin, a aftermath caused by the many hours he had been awake at this point, no, this gnawing underneath his flesh has been going on all day.
From the moment he and L entered the main room all they had done was pointedly ignore each other, (which was, admittedly, rather hard given that the space between them was less than 2 meters). This had not gone unnoticed by the others, even Matsuda noticing the tense atmosphere in the air ( although not understanding why everyone else was tip-toeing around the pair) and subsequently all but barging into their personal space to "break the ice". Something that only seemed to be aggravating the situation if the slight twitch Light's body made and the way L immediately went still was any indicator.
Now, in the middle of the night, with no one but them and their avoiding eyes present Light felt vulnerable, more vulnerable than he ever felt before all because stupid Ryuuzaki did something stupid and now he had to pay the price for his fuckupp, god how he wishes he could just wrap his hands around his neck and-
L choose that exact moment to end the silence, breaking the ice Matsuda had been desperately trying to claw at all day.
"You know, Light, you don't have to pretend to be so focused on that computer when you clearly aren't, drop the act would you? It's just us now."
Light leaned back in his chair, a sigh involuntarily escaping his lips as he processed the words. He dreaded the conversation he knew they were gonna have,he also knew that this could potentially change their dynamic completely and that frightened him more than he wanted to admit.He took a second to regain his composure but then he felt like crying again,the sheer ridiculousness of it starting cloud his usually precise judgement. Him? Light Yagami? The NPA chief's son? Being scared of something as normal as a few words and sentences? God he felt pathetic. What would he even say, sorry for ignoring you since last night but it's your fault because you kissed me and me reciprocating was totally your fault too? It was a losing battle and Light knew it, so instead he settled with avoiding the question entirely.
"I don't know what you're talking about,Ryuuzaki. If you're going to say that im not being helpful we might as well go to sleep instead of wasting our time here, and you keeping me here like a damn dog certainly doesn't help that-"
"Let me stop you right there,Light-kun." L suddenly interrupted his rant without bothering to remove the tumb he's been keeping in his mouth the entire time.
"Firstly, nobody's keeping you here, you're free to leave anytime you want and you know it, secondly, don't play your bullshit with me, both of us know im not buying it and thirdly-" L stopped to adjust his posture and slightly averted his eyes before continuing "if you really hated it that badly we can just forget it, there's no need to let it impact your concentration so much."
Light refrained from commenting on the fact that if he wanted to leave he had to drag L with him too and chose instead to concentrate on stopping himself from shoving his knuckles in L teeth by sheer willpower alone, the irritation he had silently been keeping at bay threatening to spill over and make him go ballistic. How dare Ryuuzaki talk to him like that, like he could just bark out orders and Light would obediently follow them like a pet wanting to be praised. How dare he flip this onto him like he was the sole cause of this fucking incident and now was acting like a spoiled child finally learning consequences. How dare he think that he could just kiss him out of the blue and then pretend like nothing happened, like this was something he could just sweep under the rug and say something along the lines of 'this was actually a test to see if you're Kira so ignore it haha'.
How. Dare. He.
He might be going insane, Yagami absentmindedly thinks, gripping the closest thing in reach, that being the edge of his seat, grabbing anything he can to steady himself, to ground himself, to feel like he has some semblance of control over this entire situation, anything he could do to feel less pathetic than he did now, frankly Light needed it. Blowing air out of his nose, Light thinks,and thinks and thinks and thinks, he thinks of any way out of this, of anything that might give him an advantage, an edge he can use or an opening he could find to use and escape. He looked to his side, and that was a mistake apparently he concluded, finding himself face to face with L who was already staring at him intensely, a weird look in those owlish eyes that Light often thought about how it would feel like to drown in them.
If anyone we're to kill Light, it would be L. L and his big bug eyes that take way too much of his face, L and his spiky, unruly hair that unlike Light's never seemed to quiet down, L and his never ending stash of dessert that would surely kill him before he turned thirty, L and his scoliosis inducing posture, L, L, L. He was staring, he knew he was, and he knew that L knew too, though he didn't know why Ryuuzaki let him, and at this point he didn't really care.
L examined Light making a mental note of the way his features seemed softer for some time, more precisely since about a week after his incarceration. Ever since then Light started acting strangely, like he wasn't quite him, but someone else. It didn't make any sense, it should'nt make any sense, after all, how could somebody change so drastically in less than 24 hours, but it did. L knew that the previous version of Light would never had behaved like this, being so open, so innocent it was almost childlike, it way almost like Light truly was just a normal high schooler and not the cruel murderer L suspected him to actually be. Almost immediately after that L came to the realization that in some way, Light had orchestrated to forget all about it but he didn't have any idea how. And that's what threw him off, now that Light had no memory of how he committed his murders or that he even did them in the first place shattered L's whole hypothesis, which let him to the conclusion that Kira's power could be transferred, and as a result, the previous owner would forget all which was tied to it. Except that didn't seem quite right, L couldn't imagine anyone other than Light being Kira so he figured that this was somehow all part of his plan, to be under L's watch 24/7 until he was cleared of suspicion then have the power returned to him.
This to him was the most plausible theory, but with no evidence to support it L couldn't convince the other taskforce members about it, so for the time being he had to settle with just observing the current version of Light, something which he found he didn't really mind. Light was from afar already an interesting individual, somebody with different layers which he used as shields to protect himself from the questioning gaze of the world and it's stupidity, someone who crafted different masks for the world to perceive him the way he wanted it to. And it worked, if you were to ask anybody about Light Yagami, they would all tell you the same thing, that he was a prodigy, after all he was Japan's best student, combine that with his looks and enticing features which earned him lustful gazes from any woman he came across plus his charming personality and you get the personification of perfect. That was what he was supposed to be,after all, perfection. The perfect student, the perfect son, the perfect everything, but L knew that wasn't the case.
Ever since he laid eyes on him he knew that Light wasn't what he presented himself to be, he saw right away under all those layers he kept drept over himself what really lay dormant, what Light himself struggled to push down, to hide away in a corner. He saw the seemingly perfect boy for who he truly was, somebody who perceived himself as a god. Somebody who thought that he was above everybody else, somebody who had to dumb himself down in order for others to truly understand his intelligence, to understand a fraction of who he really was. But L also saw underneath that first layer, he saw how insecure Light actually was, how he desperately always tried to cling to control, always wanting to be the one in charge, the one who decided what should be the natural order of things and somebody who wanted to change the world in the way he thought was best, by only allowing those who he deemed fit to live in it.
L saw it all, and he understood how Light's potential would go down the drain if he continued to surround himself with people who couldn't even try to realize what he was because they could'nt. Maybe that's what led him to realize that he was Kira, after all, it only made sense didn't it? Somebody with such a childish sense of justice to be the one who was enacting it worldwide on some of humanity's worst's scum, and maybe that was what also made him interested in him, L himself knew how someone truly intelligent was rather hard to come by, and someone who could be his equal was practically unheard of, so when he first saw Light he knew he wouldn't let him go nor escape even if it got him killed(something which he was sure Kira would be more than glad to make happened), he knew he would be the one to get him of his high horse, but still make him rest on a pedestal beside him, because brilliance, despite everything, deserved recognition, and what was Light if not brilliant.
What followed was the greatest game of chess he had the opportunity of playing, Light making for an even better opponents than he anticipated, but then again, their game was now put at a stalemate ever since Light lost his memory. L knew it was temporary, he knew that Light, no, Kira, would return sooner or later. What he hadn't anticipated however, was the increasing fascination caused by and for the other man, something he didn't think was possible to grow anymore was proved wrong, even more so when he started realizing what direction their, "relationship" started heading towards. What horrified L more, was the fact that he didn't mind the changes, and actually welcomed them, becoming increasingly accommodated towards the idea and actually finding himself desiring it. He could only suppose that was what possessed him to act on his desires and impulsively smash his lips against Light's in a delicious albeit clumsy manner. He instantly regretted it however, the realization dawning on him the moment he found himself on top of Light, pining him down and effectively caging him with his knees. He expected another punch to the face as Light had done a few days before, or maybe even a kick to the stomach, but no , instead L was pleasantly surprised and shocked to find Light grabbing his neck instead and press against him in a similarly desperate way.
Once the initial shock wore down, L remembers biting Light's lower lip which earned him a gasp from the other man, who opened his mouth slightly and without wanting let out a small yet delightful moan. L then quickly took the opportunity to snake his mouth inside Light's entangling their tongues in a inexperienced yet just as perfect dance. It almost seemed normal, like this was just another Tuesday night and not something that could potentially ruin them both. He sucked Light's tongue, earning him another moan, a sound which started to become music to L's ears and he let his hands roam on Light's body, caressing his face, neck and softly massaging his shoulder. His skin felt divine, soft and almost creamy to the touch, L wanted to nab at it, to taste it and leave marks which would adorn his body like Christmas decorations. He started to gain more confidence, the groans of pleasure from Light spurring him on and he continued his ministrations until his hands were under Light's shirt.
L didn't believe in gods, yet even he acknowledged that the younger boy's body must have been build by one. He felt Light's abs under the palm of his hand, tracing the end of every line with his finger. In the past weeks he has been under surveillance (which L realised, have turned into months) Light had lost some weight, his frame becoming slightly smaller , but L was glad nonetheless, at least now they would be roughly around the same, both in frame and height, with L being a bit taller if he were to stand straight, he wondered how Light would react if he told him that. Regardless he continued, trailing his hand down his abdomen and up until he reached his nipple. That was about how far they got, as in the next second L found himself flying to the other side of the room, falling unceremoniously on his butt.
Almost like a dam had been broken, Light kicked L in the ribs with as much force as he could muster, before promptly turning the other way and covering himself with a blanket. L wanted to say something, anything, but he couldn't, he looked at Light, hoping he would give a reasonable explanation as to why he had suddenly decided he didn't enjoy the action anymore, instead he was met with a turned head and a colder room. L was confused, sure, but he was hurt, for the first time in his life he felt something akin to sadness, something he didn't think was even possible, the feeling wasn't prezent when he first stepped foot in the Wammy's House and neither when he found out about what happened to his biological parents, so why now?
L knew why, even if he didn't want to admit it, he knew that it was because of Light Yagami, because of Kira, or whatever name he happened to have, he was the one pulling such reactions out of L, he was the one fishing inside him hoping to discover treasures he might be hiding, he was the only one who could make him feel like this, alive, human even. From the moment he met him Light had took a tight grip over L's heart, squeezing and pulling it any way he wanted it, and L let him. He wanted Light to have his heart despite him being his first suspect, he wanted Light to toy with him even if he would one day get bored and shove a knife right in his aorta, or maybe have him die of a heart attack like he did to his other victims, although L wanted to believe he was more special than that.
The truth of the matter was that L wanted Light, and he wanted Light to want him the same way he wanted him, so being pushed away right now after he did one of the bravest thing he had ever done in his life hurt.
L took one last look at Light, his face still buried in his pillow his breathing barely visible almost like he was playing dead and he sighed. It wasn't what he was hoping for but he expected it, if Light didn't reciprocate his feelings L wouldn't push him, it was after all, his decision to make and L would respect that, even if something hollow nestled in his chest he could suck it up, it was probably for the best.
After a long pause, Light voice brought him back to the prezent, reminding him where exactly he was and of the current situation at hand.
"Are you done ogling me, Ryuuzaki?" Started Light, a bright glint in his eyes appearing as he surveyed L face, looking for a clue into the inner workings of his mind.
L chuckled, a low sound making Light barely repress a shudder."Nay, although i could say the same thing about you, Light, im not particularly attractive by society's standards, but having you eye me like so certainly makes me feel like it."
Light didn't comment, he didn't feel like there was anything more he could add, and there also lay the elephant in the room, waiting to be addressed. Light took a breath, knowing that if it were up to L, this could potentially go on forever and neither would bat an eye. Yet the idea felt wrong, Light didn't want to imagine what it would feel like for him to go another day without L kisses, because despite everything, despite his brain screaming at him that it was wrong, that he was suspected of being a murderer for god's sake, he still craved it.
He had no clue where his sudden balls of steel came from but found himself uttering the words whom bothered him for the past 22 hours, 34 minutes and 16 seconds (still counting!).
"So," he began " about last night..."
"As I mentioned before, we don't have to talk about it." Finished L, he had no idea if this was a conversation either of them were ready for and didn't want to push his luck, and another part of him wanted to see Light reaction, what exactly would he say.
Light felt another headache incoming, the urge to strangle L returning to him." If I hadn't wanted to talk about it, I wouldn't have brought it up." He spat out, irritation bubbling at the edges." So I'll ask again, about last night, why did you kiss me?"
"Simple, I wanted to." L gestured vaguely to the air " I wanted to do something so I did it, is that so wrong Light-kun?"
"You know damn well that doesn't explain anything. Stop toying with me and tell why you did it L!"
L sighed heavily, there was no escaping now was it? Light wanted an answer and he was going to get it no matter what, it was about time L indulged him anyway."
"I like you better when you're quiet." He muttered slowly, Light raised a brow. " Okay, fine, since you're so adamant about knowing the reason behind my actions, i suppose i need to give you one, the motive is a crucial part of a case is it not?" Light rolled his eyes at the last part. "The truth is, Light, i have taken a liking to you, you're interesting, like a conundrum I cannot solve no mather how much effort I put into it, you scratch my brain in all the right places, you make me discover things about myself that until now I haven't thought were imaginable, you're different from everybody else, and im not talking about the fact that you're smarter than most, no, im talking about who you are on a fundamental level, how fascinating you are for me Light, how no detective prowess in the world could decipher the mystery you are, and that drives me insane. Do you know how it is, Light? How it feels becoming so fascinated by your prime suspect, knowing that it doesn't take a lot, if anything for him to kill you? And the worst part of it is that I don't mind, I relish in the idea of you being Kira because if that's the case then I can officially say I've beaten you, but you never go down without a fight, don't you Light? If going insane is the only way I can comprehend half of what you are then I'd take that chance because that way I could be closer to you, and maybe that's how and when I realised that what I felt towards you wasn't healthy anymore, to be completely honest im not sure my self what it is anymore, but all I know if that I want you in any way possible and that's maybe the scariest thing about it." L finished, not once breaking eye contact with Light. " Forgive me, Light, I overstepped last night, but I can assure you it won't happend again." L leaned back in his chair. " Now, shall we continue working or is it time we tune in for the night?"
Light gawked at him, mouth slightly open as he proceeded the new information assaulting his brain. Sure L might have had a thing for him as demonstrated by the kissing incident, but this? Light didn't expect the extent of it, not even in his wildest dreams. He stared at L, not being able to form a response, he didn't exactly know how it would be apropriate to respond, heck, he didn't even know how he felt. But really now, how did Light feel? Did he like Ryuuzaki? Did he like when he kissed him? If not, why did he reciprocate? The questions were swirling around in his mind, making his head feel like it was about to explode.
For now, he needed an answer to one question, and then he'd see where to go from there, did he like L? He allowed himself to sneak a glance at Ryuuzaki who was eyeing him expectantly. Light thought about the events of the past months, going back to the moment they first met at To-Oh university and back to where he first heard L speak publicly on TV directly challenging Kira. He remembered their first handshake, how something about it felt special, the way he felt goose-bumps on his skin when he touched L's hand, how something about the way he looked at him hadn't been quite right. He remembered their meeting at the cafe, how despite it turning more into a questionnaire about him potentially being Kira, he still found himself enjoying Ryuuzaki's company more than he originally thought he would, (well he didn't think he'd enjoy his company at all but that was a discussion for another day). How over the course of the past few weeks he felt as if life had meaning again, like his boredom had vanished overnight since he came into contact with L, how for once he had something to look forward to, how he liked the mind games between them because they were the only colorful thing in his monotone life. He pondered the theory that his not-quite-platonic-feelings for the other man were the reason he paid more attention to him these days, how maybe that could explain the reason why Light started counting how many sweets L needed per hour to, quote, "increase thinking capacity", (the answer is 19, if were talking candies, 27 chocolates or 3 slices of cake), how suddenly the distance between them, even with the chain, was too long, and how Light started to get anxious when he didn't find L in his general vicinity 2 seconds after he awoke in the morning. He wondered if that would explain why he was constantly thinking about L, how his thoughts always seemed to be consumed by him, after all, this had never happend with neither Misa nor Kiyomi for the entire time he was dating them. With great chagrin, Light realized that if L were to disappear or worse, die, right now (which was a very likely possibility because, well, Kira) he would probably go nuts. While he was marinating in his thoughts, another image materialised before his eyes, him, tossing and turning around on the bed with his eyes closed while half asleep, and another figure next to him, crouched unnaturally staring daggers at a bright computer screen. He remembers the light bothering him and his sleep and mumbling something about "turning it off and coming to bed" then the sun like source dimming and a weight shuffling down next to him, and if he wasn't very hyperaware of whatever touching his skin he would have missed the way a long, bony finger intertwined with his, the somehow calming presence lulling him back to sleep.
Light felt his face heat up slightly as a realisation dawned on him, perhaps, he felt the same way about L, maybe he too wanted something more this entire time but had been too afraid to try, because honestly speaking, detective and prime suspect weren't exactly a match made in heaven, maybe he too wanted something beyond friendship, but had been too scared to disturb the balance they had so carefully build. He stole another glance at L, the other still looking at him yet seemingly lost in thought.
And for the second time that night, Light did something that he knew might shatter his whole perception of normal, but he didn't care anymore. He slowly brought a hand up Ryuuzaki's face, cupping his cheek and angling his head slightly more advantageously before diving straight in for a kiss, capturing L lips in a way that ensured no escape for him. That woke L out of his stupor, interrupting his brooding, eyes widening even more than they already were as his mind struggled to catch up to the situation at hand, eventually relaxing as his hands traveled up Light's body, in the end resting on the small of his waist. The kiss was messy and a bit clumsy, more teeth than anything as it was fueled by a common desperation that could no longer be held at bay. Their tongues entangled in a battle none of them willing to give up. As it's intensity progressed they broke apart at last, both catching their breaths gazing into eachother akin to two lovers finally reunited. L was the one who spoke first.
"Should i take this as an acceptance to my earlier confession, Light?" L's eyes roamed Light body as he spoke, licking the coat of saliva remaining after they separated.
Light frowned as he watched what Ryuuzaki was doing. "Don't do that, its gross."
L smiled, a rare sight to behold, Light hypothesised, then Ryuuzaki smirked. "Saliva is gross, but having your tongue down my throat isn't? A little contradictory of you, Light-kun, don't you think?" he mused.
While his ears started to burn crimson again, Light briefly entertained the idea of leaving L in this state right know and promptly return to whatever he was doing before, ignoring him as he had done the night before, before quickly dismissing the idea, vaguely aware that he was probably the one who would suffer more, instead he settled with mumbling a half-hearted 'shut up' before smashing his mouth against L's again and resuming his earlier activity, this time more aggressively.
L's chuckling, while muffled, did nothing to stop Light, in fact, it spurred him on as he started biting Ryuuzaki's lower lip, intending to leave a bruise. L gently pried Light off him, managing to annoy Light even more as he separated from him.
"What?" he barked out, unable to contain his frustration.
" What's with you and avoiding questions?" sighed L as he adjusted into a somewhat normal position. Light groaned, beggining to get tired of constantly being denied gratification.
"That's what you're worried about?" exasperation seeping into his tone. He wondered how this L and the one from the day before were the same one. "I don't remember you being so thorough yesterday."
L coughed, past events flooding back into his mind." Yesterday was more of an isolated incident, again, my apologies for that Light, however," he said while looking at Light "however, consent is important between partners, wouldn't you agree Light-kun?"
Light laughed, a melodious sound filling every crevice of the room, rendering L unable to do anything but stare and do his best to record the sound in his brain. "You're such a turnoff." breathed out Light, for once a genuine smile playing on his lips. "If you're asking whether or not i'll let you fuck me tonight then the answer is yes, you hear that? Now, if you're asking if we do it here, is a different story."
L face broke into a grin, and before Light could realize what was happening he was being dragged out through the door leading up to their room. "Let's see if that mouth of your's will get you anywhere tonight." Light smirked, his teeth visible before adding, "Oh, you'd be surprised."
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Light lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, next to the bed Ryuuzaki was already dressed, prepared to head down and meet the rest of the squad. He stared at him, or more specifically, at the barely visible bite mark peeking out under his signature white shirt.
"My ass, is killing me" he deadpanned. L shrugged, not commenting. Light was already getting annoyed with the lack of responsibility L was showing. "You did this." he added, more for dramatic effect.
"How about i help you take a shower instead of berating me?" Light raised a brow, unimpressed, but willing to take the suggestion.
"Did you take one already?" Light asked, partly expecting a no, he knew that until maybe twenty-ish minutes ago L was still in bed alongside him.
L shrugged again, his messy black fringe falling into his eyes. "Yeah, well not exactly, i used the washing mashine though."
"..."
For the second time in the past 24 hours, Light was once again flabbergasted.