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A lazy morning adorned by warm sunlight, Fatso on the window and a (pre-ordered) breakfast basket consisting of only your favorite pastries and fruit. A visit to your favorite park. Lunch at a restaurant you had bookmarked on both phones two months ago. Then, with fresh shaved ice, a stroll along the riverside.
Xavier's list had been followed to a T. A list you, of course, didn't know about, but that held, regardless, you as its sole subject. You and your special day.
A birthday.
How many nights had Xavier spent wondering if the day coming to an end was, in fact, a day he would eventually come to celebrate? How many birthdays did he miss? And how many did he still have left?
How many meaningless activities had he done on the day that he now associated with you? Had he maybe spent such a day fighting? Perhaps forcibly sleeping? Dreaming? Trying to meet you at the only place he could at the time?
One thing was for sure, he had never spent this day under his current predicament.
The exception to his perfect birthday list was, as it could only be, you. The riverside had been beautiful, dyed a crimson red by the setting sun, with the last few birds still chirping before retiring for the night.
And sure, you had noticed the water and had whistled back to the birds, but something had grasped your attention harder than the nature – a small vending stall, tucked under the shadowed cover of a bridge, in which a short, curved old man offered a variety of stickers.
“Xavie, he has puffy stickers!”
So, puffy stickers Xavier bought.
Then shiny ones, and sparkly ones. Moon stickers and so many different heart ones he ended up surprised by human creativity in that area.
That was how he found himself in his present state.
After raiding the sticker stall, you both made your way home – a nice bath and dinner later, you came up to him with a bright smile, asking to decorate his face with the stickers.
“Please? It's my birthday” paired with a pout and devilish puppy eyes that were more than enough to convince him to agree.
Sat on a cushion on the floor, with you on his lap giggling while sticking yet another smiling moon on his face, Xavier almost regretted his decision. Almost.
Thing is, Xavier had an unusually high sex drive. And “unusually high” was his own opinion on it.
It had never been an issue before. Hell, Xavier had barely had the time and energy to dwell into his own fantasies before and his hand had done its job well enough on the few times he actually felt the need to relieve himself.
But now? With you being a constant in his life? Existing and breathing by his side? Xavier had been popping boners left and right.
And it made him feel like a hormonal teenager. Like a pathetic sixteen year-old who had just found out the girl behind him in class smelled like roses and body wash.
His own mind had started fighting itself. On one side there were the romantic idealizations, the ones he had been raised on – holding hands as you walked, exchanging furtive glances in public, picnics and late night stargazing sessions.
On the other side, however, grew his depraved wishes, ignited by the tamest of the interactions and creating an ugly feeling of inadequacy, of dirtiness.
Even worse, the rise of his sex drive fed a few older, hidden, fears of his – fears of scaring you, of being the reason you distanced yourself, of disgusting you.
Which was why, when you glued yet another little star on his nose, settling back a bit too fast, too far down his lap, Xavier was quick to pull your hips back up.
Moving his legs to feign a cramp, Xavier cleared his throat “Tell me again why the stickers have to be glued with kisses?”
“Clearly because that is the most effective way” Xavier's heart squeezed in time with your giggles, he would do anything to constantly hear that sound.
Humming, he repositioned you, scooting a bit further down the cushion in what he hoped was a natural way “Alright” Xavier closed his eyes “Go on with your masterpiece”
Another giggle, a kiss to his forehead and a newly glued ribbon.
Xavier had never been harder.
He asked himself why he even bought that sticker book.
‘Pervert’ his brain supplied ‘This is supposed to be an innocent interaction, she's happy above you’
Soft lips on his left eyebrow, you had started humming a popular song.
‘Yet, look at you’
Too busy cursing himself internally, it took Xavier a few seconds to realize you had been talking to him.
“... that be okay?”
Opening his eyes to look up to you, Xavier noticed your fingers holding the collar of his sweater.
“Would what be okay, love?”
“Don't doze off on me” a pout adorned your lips, Xavier held back the urge to kiss it away “I asked if you could take off your top. I've run out of space”
“Oh” he nodded “Yeah, let me just…” lightly grabbing your waist, he held you up. Giving your hips two pats to let you know you should keep them raised, Xavier grasped the hem of his sweater and arched his back.
Too late, he realized his mistake.
Sweater halfway over his face, Xavier heard your surprised gasp when his hips bumped your ass.
He cursed, scrambling to pull the fabric covering his eyes all the way off “Sorry” Xavier tried, voice panicked and heart pounding on his chest “I'm sorry”
Finally free of his sweater, Xavier looked up, his trembling hands hovering in the air, halfway to your waist, unsure if he should look for you or pull away entirely.
Time seemed to come to a stop as he watched, anxiously, your reddening cheeks and quickening breaths, waiting for your eyes to find his.
“My love?” his anxiety got the best of him, ugly thoughts clouding his mind “I'm really sorry, it's not what you think. I can take a cold shower, I'll be quick and you can get back to the stickers”
But to his dismay, you only blushed harder, eyes glued to the floor and hands fidgeting with the sticker pack you were holding.
“Starlight” Xavier pleaded, clenching his first over the cushion “I… I'll get up, let me–”
“Wait” your eyes finally found his “Don't. It's… You're okay, this is okay”
To Xavier's horror, you settled back on his lap.
“‘this okay?” you asked as he watched your tongue dart out to wet your bottom lip “Am I… Is this too heavy? Uncomfortable?”
Xavier's mouth opened and closed before he finally answered “Not uncomfortable. But are you–”
“I'm comfortable”
“... Alright”
Silence followed. Soon, you picked a new sticker, a bright full moon and glued it to his collarbone.
Xavier's mind was working overtime. Out of all the outcomes he had envisioned, this one wasn't even among the possibilities.
While it did feel surreal to still have you placing sparkly little stars on his chest even after being rudely poked by his hard on, your weight on his lap was a heavenly reminder that Xavier was not dreaming, this was real.
Happiness threatened to surface, his heart adopting a healthier rhythm as he watched you giggle at a new cat sticker you had found and then giggle again as you moved back to place it on his chest.
However, the warmth of your body moving above him as you adjusted yourself reminded Xavier of just where, exactly, you were sitting. Xavier cleared his throat as he felt his muscles tensing up, shame washing over him.
He felt you pause.
“Alright. Talk to me”
Xavier met your eyes. Could he?
“It's nothing”
‘Coward’ his brain provided ‘A pervert and a coward’
“It's clearly not nothing” you countered, setting the sticker packs down and letting a hand rest on his chest “Won't you tell me what's bothering you?”
But Xavier kept quiet. How did one even start this type of conversation? ‘I'm terrified of how high my libido is when I'm around you’ or ‘More often than not I get hard by hearing you laugh’, neither of those seemed like the sort of thing a decent man would say.
“Is it because you're hard?”
Xavier flinched. Bingo.
“Did you… expect something else?” you asked in a small voice, eyes once again darting down to the floor.
“No!” Xavier reached out, hands holding your face, bringing it back to look at him “No”
The sadness in your eyes was enough to convince him to talk.
“My love, I need you to believe me, I didn't expect anything different than this. Please, I will never expect anything besides what you're willing to give me, being with you on your birthday is a privilege in itself, I don’t expect anything else”
Holding your face, Xavier watched as you absorbed his words.
Relief washed over him as he felt the warmth of your hands over his own.
“Then, if it's not that, what's wrong?”
“I… I feel bad. About the way my body is reacting”
“You feel bad… about getting hard?”
“No… Well, yes, a bit”
He felt your hands squeezing his and watched your brown knit together, confusion clear on your face.
“It's… This, spending the day together, being together, close, this is a gift only you can give me. It's not supposed to be… sexual”
Xavier watches your mouth open, but he's quick to interrupt.
“I don't want you to feel like I'm here for your body”
Your mouth closes, eyes widening.
“That isn't to say I don't like your body – I do! Heaven knows how much adore every curve, mole and freckle. You're gorgeous, perfect.”
Xavier breathes, ears feeling hot “I love you” he confesses “I love you so much I don't really know what to do with myself”
“... Xavier”
But he is too far gone to stop, he needs to let all these ugly feelings out and then face whatever the consequence might be “I… I am terrified of the way my body reacts, because it reacts too much, too often. I'm scared you will notice and feel disgusted, that you will feel that I'm seeing you as nothing more than someone I can fuck”
“Xavier”
“Because I don't! I don't. Starlight, I'm afraid of scaring you away”
“Xavier!” it's your turn to hold his face, soft palms contrasting with the feeling of the many stickers he had glued to his skin “Xavier, it's okay. You're okay”
“My lo–”
“Shh, listen to me. You're okay. I don't dislike this, I don't feel bad about your desire. I like it”
“You like it?”
“Xavier, I feel safe with you. You could walk around the entire day with a hard on and I'd still feel safe around you”
“... You don't feel uncomfortable?”
“Xavie… my love, this time I need you to belive me, okay?” He nods “These hands, the ones holding my face right now, these are the hands I've seen fight countless wanderers” Xavier marvels at your giggle “They are also the hands that have burnt more egg tarts than I can count…”
“These fingers are the ones that hold the scissors that prune the forget-me-nots on our balcony, and these palms, they hold Fatso’s birdseed… I'd trust these hands with my life, Xavier, they've held it before”
Surprisingly, that's when you blush, and Xavier wonders for what feels like the hundredth time, if his heart could perhaps hold even more love, maybe just a bit more? Enough to fit the beautiful crimson of your cheeks?
“You trust me”
“I do. And I love you”
Xavier feels you moving away from his hands, body curving on his lap to leave a soft kiss on his forehead.
Something tight on his chest untangles “I love you” he breathes.
Giggling, you answer “Yeah, so I've been told”
“I love you” Xavier laughs. He brings his arms up and hooks them around your middle, bringing you closer to his chest, to a hug he didn't know he needed so much.
“I love you too”
Xavier holds you tight, stays there, feeling your heartbeat sync with his for what feels like an eternity, but also not enough time.
Eventually, he hears you mumble something against his chest.
“What is it, love?”
“Xavie…” you look up “I want a kiss…”
“Yeah” he laughs again “Yeah, as many as you want”