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It was Tuesday evening when Inami Rai walked into the office with a bright smile, with the excuse of helping the class president to hand in the homework. A job nobody wants, especially in their final year of high school.
Between examinations and revisions, about clubs, about part-time and their future needs, many students grumble about staying back to help out.
Only Rai offered his help, with his friendly smiles, everyone felt bad but at the same time, it was a relief that they didn’t have to be the one who did so.
“Oh, Inami-kun!” His homeroom teacher greeted, waved her hand as she thanked Rai, “Thank you always, here are some snacks in exchange.”
His homeroom teacher is a kind middle-aged lady, with two children under her belt, she loved to take care of her students.
It first acts like a gesture of kindness, but Rai had an ulterior motive. It was actually there to steal the rooftop keys.
The teachers who were left in the room weren’t really paying attention anyway, not like anyone would suspect the quiet, helpful student would ever steal anything— especially under broad daylight and in the presence of multiple teachers.
The good student, dismissed for bad behaviour because the teacher doesn’t believe it. It shows that first impressions are so important, so easily that it ingrains into their mind, effectively affecting their judgements.
“It’s so easy to slip away, even under their noses.” Rai whispers, swirling the keys with his index finger as he closes the door behind him, “They won’t notice until it’s too late.” His footsteps echo in the empty hallways.
The hallway was void of the usual students' chattering, it was the time when everyone had already dashed out of the school compound or they were involved in club activities. From the opened windows, sometimes you can hear students yelling motivating phrases but Rai ignored them. It had nothing to do with them after all.
Stepping foot into the empty roof, the cold wind picks up. It feels chilly for early spring. Although his hair is a little messy by the wind, it makes Rai feel calm. All sorts of thoughts in his head would stop spiralling when he’s here, the only spot where he can feel safe, where he can be himself— on the vast rooftop.
Climbing over the railing easily, three steps to the right, there’s this concrete slab popping out to sit on. It’s steady and big enough for him to sit without being scared of falling. It's the ideal place to sit, especially nice and cozy in spring.
A seat where he’s given front row seats of a beautiful sunset, watching as any remaining students' crowds walk back home. Rai thinks they look like tiny ants, gathering in groups before dispersing, it felt like one hit and they would all die together.
Rai giggled, now that was a morbid thought.
“I want everything to end…” Rai nods, staring at the view— a view from sitting up at the edge of the roof, beyond the railing, feeling the cold spring breeze messing his dark hair.
Rai wonders, kicking his feet in thin air. He was above ground, a height where one wrong move and he would just fall and die. Falling down with a loud splat, traumatising whoever was going to see it next— but when that happens, Rai wonders idly, “I’d feel better…right?”
Although Rai wants to end everything, his classes, the stress for examination, about the unknown future, the peer pressures, but thinking about it now, what Rai fears the most is what happens after everything truly ends. For those who do not know where to go next, Rai will be filled with a sense of emptiness.
The sensation of freedom comes with a prize, his shoulders light to the point that he thinks he’s floating. No idea how to ground himself, Rai doesn’t know where to go, what to do with his future, what happens after he graduates? What happened next? Will he even have a future? The world was so unknown that it felt like his whole life was ending. There was nothing left to do or hope so, isn’t that pitiful?
‘Aren’t I so pitiful? ’
Aah, he wishes someone would take pity on him instead.
Rai continues to kick his feet in the air, humming and thinking about everything yet nothing at the same time. His thoughts are loud sometimes, when there’s nothing to control his mind, nothing to pull him in reality, as he hears whispers. Multiple whispers overlapping, some were from his parents, from his friends, from himself.
It’s so loud that sometimes Rai sinks into it, hence, it makes him jump when he hears another voice.
“You want to end everything too, right?” Rai had to blink twice, waiting for the voice to talk again to realise it’s not just in his head.
It was an actual voice calling out to him. Rai doesn’t think it felt like a question, it was more of him asking for his consent.
“I know you can hear me.” Followed with a soft chuckle.
“Is there perhaps somewhere you want to go?” The voice calls out from behind. Rai blinks, the voice was not his hallucination, being surprised, he turns back slowly.
Rai finds a blonde boy with sparkly blue eyes that reminds him of blue lemonade, it’s someone from the other class.
Someone Rai knew– he was famous for his hard work and charm as a gentleman, always mingling with other students easily. Rai never expected someone as popular as him to be here.
Hibachi Mana.
The name echoes in his head comfortably as if it was a name that was born to be in his mind, but Rai doesn’t care. Instead he looked around carefully, checking if there was a teacher or student hiding but once he found none, he got even more confused.
“Hello?” Rai tilted his head, earning a chuckle from Mana. Why would someone talk to him when there’s nothing special going on with him? He was told to be boring and quiet many times– boring, dull, Rai accepts it because there was no meaning in showing his true self to people who doesn’t care.
“Hello, Rai-kun.” Mana smiled as he greeted back, his smile blinding under the orange sunset skies. Rai felt his heart skip a beat, how did he know his name?
Rai felt weird, his heart beating abnormally fast as he watched the blonde boy walk towards him, “If you don’t know where to go, shall we go together?”
His hand reaching out, his palm facing up, with a slight bow, Rai would think he was asking a dance from some princess. Was he a princess? It’s funny but Rai doesn’t mind, he doesn’t mind being treated gently or roughly if it was him. Perhaps this was what it would feel to call love at first sight?
“Why?” In fact, it felt so weird to be seen, when everyone had turned a blind eye against another, so why does Rai feel his heart ache when he stares into those earnest blue eyes? Rai doesn’t dare to hold his hand. The thought that maybe he doesn’t deserve it stops him from moving on.
“Does it truly matter now?” Mana hummed, walking around with his hands behind his back. He paused, tilting his head, showing Rai yet another brilliant smile as he said the darndest thing, “Weren’t you going to die anyways?”
A shadow cast over his eyes, his smile looked a tiny bit out of place, “I would want to get away too. This world is a horrible place after all.”
Rai felt amazed, for the first time, he hears someone saying the things he had been thinking about.
That’s right, in this shitty world of rules that would only benefit their own– Nothing would change whether Rai was there or not, whether he was alive or not, it makes no difference.
“Were you planning to jump?” Mana shakes his head lightly, clicking his tongue in disapproval, “Why are you doing stuff so carelessly? Terrible for cleaning up ya know? You could do better.”
Now, that was a new kind of reaction. Rai almost gagged, “I… maybe I’m trying to seek excitement?”
“Well, I am envious.” Mana chuckled, it was a low chuckle, a chuckle that made him look small. Like an insecure child, “To have so many people looking for you, for them to care for you so dearly, I’m... jealous.”
It made Rai confused. Someone looking at him…?
Cupping his own cheeks, his elbows against the railing, as Mana stares into the sight ahead, it was just scenery of the buildings as the train moves on, his tone is light, but his intention is heavy, “I wish I had someone like that.”
I wish someone would love me like that too.
“Mana…?” Rai only looked at Mana, who looked back at him. His smile was dazzling under the orange glow of sunset, “That would be amazing but it’s all just a delusion, right?”
“What is?” Rai tilted his head.
“I know that isn’t your intention to make me feel bad.” Mana lets out a huff, “You’re just a kind and sensitive person, that’s why you’re loved.” Mana whispered, eyes wandering to the sunset, “Just like the sun.”
So warm – Mana remembers about watching Rai smile and laugh in his friend group in class, his laugh is light and always so bright. Sometimes he’s overlooked because of his good-student impression, or the fact that sometimes he’s just too quiet, but Rai’s smiles were also so blinding, so pure, void of ill intentions.
“You’re a sun.” Mana repeats, his hand reaching out, “So will you take my hand? I’d take you somewhere.”
“Where to?” Rai asks a little too late as he puts his hand in Mana’s.
Mana laughs, “Somewhere away from here. Maybe a place where we can be ourselves.” His laugh was so free that Rai felt a speck of unease.
Why does his laugh sound like a plea for help?
Walking past the school gates makes Rai feel lightheaded. Passing crowds of students, some were laughing, some were still revising over words and flash cards, it was just like any normal day.
Rai didn't expect to walk through the gate again, he didn’t even know what else to expect after the day’s over. He had expected the end— after the end, there will be nothing. Nothing left to feel, nothing left to do, just nothing. A freedom and a sense of loss.
But as Rai felt the warmth through Mana’s hand, being led away into the sunset, he knew it’s the direction to the train station. He commutes everyday, but it just strangely felt like he was being swept away into a fairytale. Would he be taken to a wonderland of relief? He finds himself lost in thoughts, following Mana blindly.
Being taken into a train where there aren't a lot of people on board, there was an elderly couple who slept against each other, another businesswoman tapping into her laptop without a rest, but no one paid attention to them. Everyone was busy living their own lives.
Something at the back of Rai’s head whispers, “See how easy it is to slip away and nobody ever notices?” And Rai feels it, the feeling of emptiness, like a void in the middle of his heart, he feels everything yet nothing— yet, was he in the wrong?
“Rai, Rai-kun?” Mana was tugging Rai out of the train before Rai snapped out of the spiralling thoughts, blinking, “Ah? Sorry, I dozed off.”
Mana has this knowing smile, as if he understood, as if he had known, but he stays silent, gently guiding Rai away.
While Rai indulge in the warmth of those hands guiding him away, Rai doubts his intention ever so briefly.
Does Mana really understand? What does he understand? Rai continues to wonder.
In the end, following the destination of the train, Rai finds themselves at the sea. The sparkly blue sea waves against the brown sand. The skies have already turned dark, like a dark blue veil over the sea, it was dark but also relaxing.
Feeling the waves washing through his feet, Rai hums, “It’s dangerous at night time,” but when he raised his eyes to stare at the night sea, with the only light source from the moon and the side street lamp’s light, "But it feels so calming.”
“Yeah, so be careful not to fall.” Mana jokes, a joke that they both understood but as they walked around the seashore, hands in hand— none of them wanted to let go.
The seawaves rose up suddenly, in a very aggressive manner, before they knew it, they had stumbled and fell together into the pulling currents.
Swoosh!
Rai can hear the sound of water gushing into his ears and noses. It sounded suffocating, taking his breath away, he can’t breathe! Rai wonders if this is where he would end it all, though he doesn’t really mind ending it all like this.
Fall.
Falling down into the sea, falling into his own demise. Despite drowning, it was better to be together with someone, Rai could still feel the warmth of his hands held together, as if Mana was encouraging him that there is nothing to be scared of.
Almost romantically, with the moonlight as the only source of light under the water, Rai could only silently watch as Mana reaches out to touch Rai’s warm cheeks, as they both sink together.
Rai smiles, this was yet another beautiful way to fall into the depths of earth.
Mana smiled too, tipping over to touch Rai’s forehead with his own, mouthing a few words as bubbles of oxygen escaped Mana’s lips.
The words— “I love you, Inami Rai.”
Flustered, Rai is so confused. The confusion became a need to know, a curiosity for a love Rai never knew he was seeking for. It was a quest to live, to know why, he couldn’t possibly let it all end there. The love life of his was just beginning.
As Rai dived to the surface, pulling along Mana. They ended up coughing for air but the moment of silence was ruined when Mana laughed. He laughed even when they were at the verge of death, even so, with so much going on, Rai felt exhausted.
Rai’s head was going to explode, he had never talked to Mana before, what was it about Rai that ever took Mana’s attention? Why did Mana confess? Rai would prefer to hear it clearly than hearing it under the waters! He doesn’t remember ever interacting with Mana before.
“Why?” Rai asked, there were so many things this question could have referred to. Why did Mana confess? Why did Mana let them just drown and die? And it sounded ridiculous to ask when they are both drenched, floating in the middle of the sea.
“Because I–” Mana leans back, floating in the middle of the sea as he glances towards the moon, the way how Rai’s eyes zoomed into Mana’s every movement makes it all unbearable because— since when did Rai think Mana is beautiful?
Underneath the moonlight that complements well to his blonde hair and blue eyes, there was this sort of fragile beauty that makes Rai breathe hitch.
“Because I love you.” Mana shrugs, “No whys, no buts. Just me saying that I want to see you smile, I just want you to be happy.” His smile held his last words. It would make me feel happy too.
In life, there’s many things to live for. However, what happens when you lose it? The string that attached you to the colorful world, what happens if it snaps and you’re cut off? You find yourself alone in the world, but it’s void of colors and you’re so, so lost.
Nothing interesting could get you up from bed voluntarily, nothing could bring a genuine smile to your lips again, it felt like the colors of the world were drained, leaving an empty husk of yourself.
Mana was like that too, burning out from working hard in academies, running out of ideas for his comedy shows, running towards a future that started to look so bleak with so many circumstances, like his parents, like his grades and his peers. Mana’s tired, he’s so tired that also wants to end it all— until he meets a spark of life.
A spark that comes from Inami Rai, when he’s super out going, going into robotics competition, his ideas were out of the box, often impractical but he had always made it work somehow someway. He was always messing with robots and stuff that looked like if Mana ever touched one, it would just self explode.
But Mana could see it, a passion burning so bright it might as well resemble anger. If you can’t live kindly or happily, then living can be angry.
Letting the anger burn you alive. Let anger burn you, melt you into a new, stronger version of yourself to live through this cold, cruel world. Letting your rage burn through the world, and maybe one day, the light from your burning soul could attract someone.
In this case, Mana would never tell Rai the first time they met, Mana was wearing weird glasses as a disguise and managed to fall face flat once when he had accidentally made eye contact with Rai.
Rai had smiled, laughed a little, but Mana didn’t mind, not when his heart started beating again when he saw Rai’s smile. The way his eyes closed, his eyebrows scrunched a little, his lips so soft and his smile brightens his entire world.
Oh, Mana’s cooked.
Mana likes to think that Rai is the star of his life, burning with passion, burning with the will to just live, survive. Mana wants to know more about Rai.
Drenched like wet kittens, they both hang around the seashore, waiting to dry a little before moving on. It won’t be pleasing to decorate the beautiful beach so wet and dirty.
Both of them sat side by side, shoulders bumping as they hugged their knees. Watching the sea waves turn calm, Rai decided to talk.
The incident earlier taught Rai that death happens everywhere and anywhere, so if he must ask about a love that may or may not exist, he might as well do it when he still has the courage to.
“So…Mana, how did you know this place?” Rai almost cringe at his own question. He sounded like a lover asking how they found some private spot.
Mana shakes his head, leaning on his arms as he stares at Rai’s face. He giggled when Rai looks away, “Oh, no. I just came here to volunteer a lot.”
Rai focus on the seawaves, trying to calm his heart as he continued the conversation, “For what?”
“To find meaning?” Mana sounded unsure.
“Oh..so did you find it?”
Mana smiled beautifully, reaching out to gently tug Rai’s wet sleeves, “Yes I did.”
“Do you want to know?” His voice was as sweet as honey, maybe that was a sign that he was deadly as a bee. One sting is all that needed and Rai could die in his hands.
Mana inches forwards, closer and closer, until Rai can feel his warmth breathe besides his ears, what was Mana going to do? Rai panics.
Mana smiled instead, having Rai to himself.
“It's death.” It made Rai’s head turn so fast he could hear the visible crack, his neck hurts, his eyes widened, but his heart never stopped beating fast. It felt like a heart attack.
Mana blinks playfully, his lips pouting, leaning forward to surprise Rai. Watching Rai squeezing his eyes tightly, he’s so scared of a kiss, Mana finds it funny.
“Sorry if you were expecting much, but..” Mana giggled, dropped a kiss on his forehead, “The person I love..”
The words fade into the wind.
“It’s you.”
There was a pause.
“Sorry, what did you say?” Rai blinks with a sheepish smile, the wind was always a convenient excuse.
Mana shakes his head, whether it’s a real excuse or not, Mana smiled, “Let’s go now.” It wasn’t too late but the last train isn’t that far away.
“Where to?” Rai asked again, as if dodging all other questions about their relationship, Rai decided to focus on the present. Rai doesn’t want to think he thought Mana would kiss him, nor does he want to admit he wants to kiss Mana.
“...Somwhere else, I guess?” Mana shrugs, putting a cute smile.
So they go back to the train station, sitting on the seat, ignoring any other stares as they hop into another train, going to another far station, where none of them knew, where nobody would know them.
Once they get hungry, they’d head into a convenience store and buy a few onigiris and green tea. Sitting in front of the store, under the street lamp as they eat together, having bites of each others meal.
“Doesn’t this feel like the end of the world?” Mana laughs, it sounded like a joke. When the streets are empty, everyone was probably asleep, and two high school boys are just out there. Cowering under the night skies, with nothing above their heads.
Maybe now, I can just die.
Rai thinks as Mana held his hand, going through the night streets, avoiding any possible patrolling policeman that would scold them.
Or maybe I’d live.
They found an empty arcade, the owner is kind, they are allowed to play until late night. Playing racing car games, throwing basketballs, crane games– whatever they could play. They play as if this was their last night together, it was the first time they talked to each other but the last day they’d spend together.
Maybe we’d die.
Rai and Mana ends up sitting on the bench in the playground, with the light from the streetlamp. They sat side by side, hands in hands, it felt as if they were the only ones in the world, Rai doesn’t think he would mind that. Rai doesn’t know since when did it started, but he felt it.
But I don’t want to die here.
Rai tightens his hold onto Mana’s hands.
“So do you feel it now?” Mana smiled at him, so kindly, so softly, it makes Rai want to cry, his dying heart beating faster and faster, his cheeks burns. He’s absolutely a mess right now.
The will to live. Rai thinks he wants to continue to hold onto Mana’s hands, for a bit longer, for… a longer time.
“I want to live.” Rai mutters, with tears rolling down his cheeks, and Mana wrapping his arms around Rai. Gently, and warm.
“Then, let’s live together.” Mana leans over, his head on Rai’s shoulders, “Let’s live here, without anyone’s judgement, just us and only us.”
Rai smiled, his head leaning on Mana’s, “That sounds lovely.”
Living together, surviving together, and eventually falling together.