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1. selfish man
It has been months after the Fourth Great Shinobi World War, and yet, the Village Hidden in the Leaves– Konohagakure, is still suffering from its consequences. Due to the lack of shinobis available, Kakashi has been working overtime, both as the Hokage and as an active jounin.
Everyone was happy that the Hokage they have now is one, if not, the most loyal citizen and shinobi in Konoha. Kakashi isn't sure if he can say that about himself though. He made his disinterest about being the Hokage pretty known. But duty is duty, after all, and if being the Hokage is now one of his duties, then so be it; and he vows to make sure to make everyone regret ever putting that hat on him.
Not everyone approved of Kakashi's decision to pardon one Obito Uchiha. And frankly, he couldn't care less. He already prepared himself for the title of the ‘Worst Hokage Ever’ after his ceremony. He didn't expect anyone to be happy with this decision of his, not even Obito himself.
The mere thought of Obito dying made his blood run cold. Kakashi has always prioritized his duty above everything else. But with Obito here, alive and well, it's like all of those beliefs suddenly disappear. Obito, the boy he spent mourning for more than twenty years, is alive. He's here, with Kakashi, alive and breathing. Now a man; and Kakashi will be damned if he lets that slip by his fingers again.
He knew that what he did was purely and utterly for his own selfish desires. A foolish attempt to give his obsolete life a meaning– to give himself a reason to keep going. When he fought with Obito on that battlefield, side by side, all he could feel was hope. Hope for himself. Hope for Obito, and hope for what the future holds. It almost scared him– because, not even once, did he ever think about a future. And yet, here he was, in front of a familiar jail cell with his ANBU bodyguards surrounding him.
Kakashi sees Obito tilt his head in his direction. Even with the blindfold and the straitjacket, his shinobi instincts still hadn't dulled. Kakashi stares at him for a solid minute, soaking up his appearance. Obito's hair is now unnaturally white compared to its previous black color. Kakashi takes notice of how it has slightly grown over time, now reaching just below his neck.
“What is the Sixth Hokage doing here?” Obito speaks up, breaking the awkward atmosphere that started enveloping the room. Kakashi replies with a huff, before snatching the key that was lying inside one of his pockets. The sound of the keys hitting each other made Obito's head tilt at him in curiosity as an unsaid question lingered.
“The Council has decided to pardon you.” Kakashi answers, already knowing what was going on in Obito's mind. The Council was merely an excuse and both of them knew it. Obito made his distaste very known as the neutral expression he had earlier was replaced with a scowl.
Kakashi made it a decision to not speak– not wanting to have his emotions out in the open, especially with his ANBU guards there. Obito doesn't speak up too, as Kakashi releases him from his confines. As soon as the blindfold and the straitjacket was removed from him, he was immediately put into chakra-suppressing handcuffs as the ANBU guards led him out of the prison and into the Hokage’s office.
And as soon as the guards were out of his sight, Obito immediately voiced his opinion. “The Council, huh?” He laughs bitterly. “Cut the bullshit, Kakashi.” He says, his tone laced with venom that seeped deep into Kakashi's heart.
Kakashi takes a deep breath that he manages to disguise as a sigh, “Maa, it's not just me, you know? Even Naruto was there to vouch for you.” He says, recalling how Naruto insisted that he go to one of Kakashi's meetings to express his opinion on the matter (Kakashi hadn't rejected, of course).
Kakashi knew about Obito's feelings about his own sentence. He knew that the man thinks that what he deserves is nothing short of a death penalty; and Kakashi would be inclined to agree if the thought doesn't disturb him so much.
Obito gives him a glare that is enough to send him in doubt if what he did was truly the right decision. He clenches his fists. Are his selfish desires enough of a reason to make Obito hate him? Can he even live with the fact that Obito hates him? He didn't have enough time to think before Obito clicks his tongue and turns to his heel, leaving Kakashi all by himself.
I'm a selfish man, Obito. I hope you can accept that.
2. shared grief
It was one of the rare days where Kakashi got time for himself. With a day full of only paperwork, he decided to have his clone do all of the work instead so he can get free time for himself. Now that he's the Hokage, all of his favorite pastimes, like grooming his dogs or reading a novel, are now admittedly very time consuming and just do not fit his current schedule.
But if there's one thing Kakashi likes to do, it is to ponder about all of his regrets and past mistakes over on the memorial stone. So that's what he's currently set out to do now.
Kakashi takes a deep breath as he inhales Konoha’s sweet summer air, walking through the familiar streets as he makes his way to the stone statue. But what he certainly didn't expect was to see another head of hair standing in front of it. A head of hair that Kakashi can recognize the owner of from sight alone.
It has been months since Obito's release, and all of their conversations since then have been purely about apartments and living conditions. No deep talks about their mistakes, no reconciliation, nothing. And Kakashi would be lying if he said that he didn't want that. One of the reasons why he'd kept him alive was so he could help him work through his problems, after all. Though it looks like he's not getting that any sooner.
Kakashi was pulled out of his trance by the sound of Obito's voice. “What are you doing here?” He asks, his voice filled with casual neutrality that makes Kakashi want to shrivel up and die on the spot. He could've shown at least a hint of emotion. Anger for letting Rin die. Maybe even happiness that he's here, alive. But who is he kidding? Obito didn't want to live in the first place. Kakashi was the one who wanted that.
“Just…paying my respects.” He replies with a deep sigh, afraid that his voice may break any second. There's no turning back now as Kakashi walks to where Obito was standing and stands besides him, his hair flowing with the wind.
They stay like that for a while, in their own worlds as if the other wasn't there. Kakashi can see through his peripheral vision as Obito reaches out a hand to a name on the memorial stone and gently runs his hand through it.
Rin’s name.
Right. Who is he kidding? Now, Kakashi really did feel the weight of his decisions. His decision to keep Obito alive– to keep him away from his one true love when he was one step away to meeting her. Kakashi did it all to quench his own selfish desire to have Obito near him again– to have him there, close enough so he could feel him but far enough to be just out of arm's reach.
After Obito does that, Kakashi can see his arm hesitatingly retract before his chakra signature vanishes completely like he wasn't there in the first place. And Kakashi was then again left there, completely alone, with no one but himself to talk to.
He mimics Obito's action, tracing to where he did just a minute ago. He can still feel the slight warm temperature of where Obito's hand came from earlier– it sends electricity down his spine, a reminder that Obito is here.
Obito is here and he hates Kakashi. That thought hurt him more than he'd like to admit.
3. a meal
Sakura has advised Kakashi to talk to Obito– actually try and talk to him. After his usual check-up, Sakura looked at him worryingly and told him that he “can’t keep going on like this” (whatever that meant), and that she's getting worried for his overall wellbeing, physically and mentally (especially mentally, she said).
Kakashi had agreed of course, partially because it hurt him to see how much of a burden he's becoming to his student. So now, he has planned to go to Obito's house to talk to him after his day is over. He knows how sudden it is, especially for Obito who's probably used to Kakashi's indifference to him after he reintegrated him back to Konoha.
It's pathetic on his part. Fighting tooth and nail just to keep Obito alive and then avoiding him right after. Kakashi wouldn't blame him if he snapped at him during their dinner.
Kakashi takes a tired sigh as he feels the fatigue from the whole day finally wear him down as he allows himself to relax. He looks at the clock and sees that he has about five minutes to get ready and go to Obito's house, so he reluctantly stands up and stretches his muscles.
He turns off all the lights in his office as he body flickers away from the place. And then, not even a second later, he's already in front of the other man's door. The door felt like it was towering over him, despite it being only a few centimeters taller, and Kakashi forced himself to take a deep breath.
There's no going back now.
He thinks as he lifts his hand to knock. Kakashi hears footsteps approaching before the slow creaking of the door catches his attention. Obito was there on the other side, peeking at him through the semi-opened door. He seems to relax after confirming that it was Kakashi on the other side and opens the door fully, welcoming the other man in.
Kakashi reluctantly enters, eyes wandering around curiously. He's only been inside Obito's apartment once, when he was there to help him pick it out for him. And when he was there, the room had been empty, devoid of all furniture. Unlike the previous time he'd been there though, Obito's house is now full of decor. His living room has a large blue couch lying in the center, just in front of the small television set. His living room is connected to his kitchen, and Kakashi's eyes light up at the sight of the several bowls and plates adorning the small kitchen table.
He hears Obito chuckle behind him and the sound nearly makes Kakashi falter. “I hope you still like eggplants.” He says, as a soft smile tugs at his lips. Kakashi can feel his heart beat faster at the sight. This is the first time he's seen him smile after the war.
Kakashi replies with a small hum, not trusting himself to reply properly after he was having an inner turmoil. Obito leads him to the dinner table and Kakashi obediently follows. They sit there, across each other.
The first one to break their silence was Obito, again. “What took you so long?” He asks, not looking up from the spoonful of soup he was blowing.
“What?” Kakashi asks, confused.
“Am I right to assume that you're finally ready to talk?” Obito says, finally lifting his gaze to look at the man across from him. Kakashi bristles at the revelation that Obito knows. He knows what Kakashi wants.
His next words were more breathier than he'd expected, “Yes…” he replies, it almost sounds like a sigh. Obito hums in lieu, taking a sip from the soup in his bowl. Kakashi does the same, enjoying himself before the inevitable happens.
Kakashi promptly decides to let himself enjoy the food first before he speaks up, knowing that as soon as he opens his mouth, he'll never be able to stop. Obito seemed to be on the same page too, as he finished taking the final sip of his soup. Kakashi finishes right after, standing up to put his discarded plate on the sink. The moment felt horrifyingly domestic, and it made Kakashi afraid of what's next to come.
After they finish, Kakashi turns to his heel as he makes his way to the couch, with Obito following just behind him. They sit down right next to each other, with Kakashi making sure that there was enough space between the two of them.
Kakashi stares straight ahead to nothing in particular, he sees Obito looking expectantly at him before he sighs. He's probably concluded that Kakashi's not speaking up anytime soon.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” Obito asks, hoping that the man next to him will finally reply.
And so Kakashi does.
“I–... Where do I even start?” He sighs with a small smile that feels nothing but hollow. A mere delusion of comfort that was made only for himself.
Where does he even start, indeed.
‘Hi Obito, the reason I'm avoiding you is because of my rampant guilt slash survivor complex and I can't help but feel that you hate me because of the decision I made.’
Too vulnerable.
‘Hello Obito, the reason I kept you alive was because I've been hopelessly in love with you for the past twenty years and I can't stomach the fact that I'll have to grieve for you all over again if you die.’
Too personal.
Hatake Kakashi was truly a mess.
“Ok…” Obito speaks up, redirecting Kakashi's focus to him. “How about we start with this: Why are you avoiding me?” He says, and Kakashi almost feels the air around them become still.
Right. Kakashi is nothing but a coward. A pathetic excuse of a person who can't face the consequences of his own decisions. He knew. He knew that there was that glaring possibility of Obito possibly hating him for keeping him alive– it was staring him right in the face, and yet, Kakashi's right here showing his face and hoping for reconciliation.
Pathetic.
He takes a deep breath, trying to make it seem like he is not starting to internally break down. “Do you hate me?” He asks, getting straight to the point with a voice that gives nothing away. His heart sinks as it is followed by a slow building silence that makes him want to die as it stretches on more and more.
He hears Obito sigh and his mind conjures up a thousand possibilities. “...When I was there…on Kaguya’s dimension,” He says and Kakashi's blood goes cold.
He isn't denying it.
“I saw Rin.”
“Ah.”
That's why.
Obito would've rather died and stayed in purgatory than stayed alive and lived in a world he sees as hell.
Who wouldn't?
Obito doesn't pay him any mind as he continues. “Twice. When I was running in front of Sasuke and before I was almost hit by Kaguya's stick.” And then he stops speaking. Something lingered in the air, something unsaid that Kakashi isn't sure if he even wants to hear. He felt the atmosphere slowly shift as the silence stretched on.
He didn't know why Obito stopped, it was obvious he wanted to say more. Kakashi gave him a glance to make sure that he's said all he wants to say before Kakashi proceeds. Kakashi studies his face, and he has this fond look plastered all over his face before it quickly turns into forced neutrality as his gaze meets Kakashi. Realizing that they were staring at each other, Kakashi quickly averts his gaze.
He was then met again with the cruel reminder that Obito didn't want this. He didn't want to live. He wanted to be there on the other side, with Rin, Kushina, and sensei. But Kakashi just couldn't help but be selfish can't he? He basically stripped that dream away from Obito to be replaced with his own desires.
Kakashi's heart clenched, a familiar feeling that he can't seem to get rid of for the remainder of his past and present. He can't help but wonder if it hurt this much when his hand went through both of his comrades’ hearts.
His fists tighten, he knows this feeling. He's spiraling again. This can't be good.
“I…” They both speak at the same time. Kakashi can't even register the fact that Obito wanted to continue. Instead, he interrupts him.
“I need to leave.” Kakashi says, standing up curtly (he takes note of Obito's confused expression), before he body flickered away from Obito's apartment.
He was immediately met by the familiar feeling of the cold evening air hitting his skin as he stood tall above Konoha. He sighs, before sitting down cross-legged on the familiar platform of Minato-sensei’s stone head.
Kakashi closes his eyes, trying to calm down the aggressive thrumming of his heart.
I ran away again.
4. dangerous mission
It has been a week since Kakashi and Obito's grand failure of an attempt at reconciliation. Which has mostly been Kakashi's fault because he's a coward who can't face his own feelings. But hey, what's new about that?
So Kakashi coped with the only way he knew how: overworking himself to the brink of death. It's nothing new, really. He's been doing this since he joined the ANBU at thirteen years old and carried it all the way into his thirties when he became the Hokage. The only difference was that now that he's the Hokage, he has to deal with an annoyingly intelligent advisor.
Jokes on him, Kakashi isn't called a genius for no reason at all. He's an observant person, and if he's observed something for the past few days, it's that Shikamaru was hiding something from him.
And Kakashi's going to find out about it right now.
As the meeting finally meets its end, Kakashi dismisses all the bureaucrats that came to gather in his office. All of them scheduled a meeting with him for the monthly update that they give to the Hokage, which Kakashi willingly accepted because he has nothing better to do.
As usual, Shikamaru was there with him. Normally, he leaves after a meeting to give Kakashi some personal space and a sense of privacy (which was kind of thoughtful if not for the fact that there were ANBU guards watching him 24/7). But this time, Kakashi personally asked the man to stay for a while after the meeting.
As the final bureaucrat leaves his office, Shikamaru’s straight posture immediately shifts to that of a relaxed one.
“You catched on faster than I thought you would, Lord Sixth.” He scoffs, putting his hands on his pockets as his posture takes on its natural slump. Kakashi can't help the amused chuckle that leaves him, “Hmm, you underestimate me too much.” He says, tilting his head slightly to the side, giving the man a look.
Shikamaru sighs in defeat as he pulls out a scroll from his pocket and throws it unceremoniously at Kakashi. He catches it and realizes that it's a mission scroll.
“And what might this be?” Kakashi asks, waving the scroll tauntingly at the man in front of him. He can probably check for himself to see what it was, but asking Shikamaru (the one who kept it from him) was more dramatic. He immediately realizes what Kakashi was trying to do and just gives him a tired sigh in return.
“It's an S-rank mission scroll…The last S-rank mission scroll actually.” Shikamaru sighs again as he senses the Hokage's growing irritation. “I'm not going to be stupid and tell you that I kept it for your own benefit or something like that. I saw Naruto sneaking it out one day and he told me to keep it a secret from you since he's noticed that you've been acting weird lately. I lost a bet so now we're here.”
“...”
Did his advisor really keep an important document away from him because he lost a bet with his student? That has to be some kind of felony right? (Not like Kakashi can be bothered enough to read through thousands of documents just to see if it's illegal for an advisor to keep a mission scroll away from the Hokage because they lost a bet with someone).
“So let me get this straight,” He takes a deep breath. “You kept an important document away from me, the Hokage, because you lost a bet with Naruto of all people?” He paraphrases, adding the much needed dramatic flair to it.
The man just shrugs, “I guess so.” Kakashi didn't even have the energy or will to get angry because this has practically been a normal occurrence ever since the war ended and his students grew up. Back then, Kakashi was the one taking care of them; now, they were the one taking care of Kakashi. It honestly makes him feel old.
Back to the topic at hand, Kakashi looks at the scroll carefully, scanning it before grabbing the string and opening it up. He reads the contents and can't help but feel the pang of irritation that hits him.
Turns out, that document was really important. It's a mission scroll about a reported sighting of a strange portal that's slowly growing larger and larger, located on the east coast of Kirigakure. Which coincidentally appeared at the same time when a lot of people went missing. And they personally requested a space-time ninjutsu specialist for it.
Now, most people know about the Sixth Hokage’s specialty in that particular field so it wouldn't be surprising to think that this is not just any mission scroll; it's a mission scroll made specifically for him. Which made Kakashi more mad because there's someone (a whole village) out there who needed his help and he can't even go to it because it was kept from him.
What simmered down his anger was the fact that Shikamaru couldn't have possibly allowed this to happen if Naruto (or he) didn't have some kind of backup plan.
Kakashi raises an eyebrow at his advisor. Shikamaru visibly bristles at the scrutinizing look he gives him. Kakashi was known to be a very calm and laid-back man, so it was probably an experience to see him so infuriated.
“...Naruto told me he had a backup plan. He was going to get Sasuke.” Shikamaru explains, in hopes that he'll get to escape the Hokage's wrath. Surprisingly, it kind of worked. Kakashi's face muscles visibly relaxed.
That plan doesn't sound too bad actually. With Sasuke having kept his Rinnegan, he was practically built for this mission. With the Rinnegan’s power to travel through multiple dimensions instead of one, Kakashi can confidently say that he wouldn't have suspected a thing if not for the fact that Naruto was sneaking it away.
Now, Kakashi could've been a responsible adult and just followed through with Naruto's plan and acted like nothing had happened. But if Kakashi is anything, a responsible adult is not one of them. So of course he's going to use this chance to further drown himself in his sorrows.
Shikamaru probably found out what he was planning to do right now as he just gives the man a look and mumbles something in his breath before leaving the office.
—
Kakashi thought that he had grown out of his stupid impulsive teenage brain, but as it turns out: he didn't. That's what kept running through his head as he stared in front of the imposing gate of Konoha.
He had left a clone at his apartment and went away sneakily so even his ANBU guards couldn't detect him leaving. And now, he was standing in front of the Konoha gates wearing a robe and suppressing his chakra so people don't assume a thing.
Some might say that it's a risky decision for a Hokage to leave the village to go on an S-rank mission when he can just assign the job to another specialist who'll probably do a whole lot better than he would have. But the village has to accept the fact that the Hokage they chose was a self sacrificial bastard who keeps running away from his problems and is afraid of confrontation.
Kakashi always found himself in this weird headspace whenever he spirals. One moment, he's a loyal shinobi of Konoha who can't possibly do anything that may cause harm to the village. And another moment, he's a selfish idiot who can only think about himself. It was truly a spectacle.
He stares into the vast space of the dark forest for a while, contemplating his decisions in true detail. If he travels by foot, it'll probably take him a whole day just to reach Kiri. But if he uses Kamui…
It was just a mere thought, a consideration. But before Kakashi knew it, a familiar swirl was materializing itself in the space directly in front of him. It was alluring, and Kakashi wasn't really in the right headspace. He takes a deep breath and finally focuses, making sure that his Kamui portal doesn't accidentally decapitate him or cause an unfortunate incident.
—
Turns out Kakashi seriously underestimated what an S-rank mission for the Hokage is like and seriously overestimated his own strength.
On better terms, he did finish the job. He successfully investigated the cause of the disappearances (an S-rank space-time ninjutsu user with a really rare kekkei genkai) and successfully made the portal disappear by decapitating its user.
On worse terms though, he is now on the brink of chakra exhaustion, the closest he's ever been to death since Pein’s attack; and at his lowest point mentally. Well, not actually the lowest but the standards are really low.
Anyways, he's currently perched on one of the pillars in the Kamui dimension with the head of the ninja he killed earlier right beside him.
Kakashi sighs as the familiar sight of black spots running around his field of vision start growing larger and larger. It felt oddly comforting; the feeling of the chakra in his body slowly dissipating, the feeling of his vision slowly fade to black, and his body finally relaxing after years of being taut.
So very comforting…
---
The first thing Kakashi does is feel. He feels the familiar feeling of wool fabric tickling his skin, the soft cushion hugging him. He wanted to never wake up. Although he didn't have that much of a choice as the strong smell of alcohol and fabric assaults his pathways.
Kakashi's eyelids immediately fly open at the smell. He's at the hospital, again. It was not a new sight and it was definitely not unfamiliar. The hospital was basically his second home, for better or for worse.
Kakashi immediately feels the dizzying feeling of foreign chakra flowing through his body. He was probably actually on the brink of death if the hospital had to resort to giving him chakra rather than waiting for nature to take its course.
Despite that though, the feeling was still familiar. What isn't familiar though was the feeling of fiery chakra crackling right beside him, staring daggers right behind his back.
Kakashi slowly sits up and immediately regrets it as the room around him starts to spin. He forcefully closes his eyes and rests his head on his right hand, waiting for the nauseating feeling to finally disappear.
Whoever was sitting beside him was patient as hell, because Kakashi was sure it took him a full five minutes to recover. And even after that, he still can't keep his eyes open for too long or else it starts hurting.
After he recovered from his stupor, Kakashi immediately hears a voice he didn't expect to hear.
“Are you finished?”
He'd recognize that voice everywhere. In his dreams, in his mind, and especially in real life. That deep tone paired with that all too familiar rasp.
“Obito.”
Kakashi looked at the man beside him and couldn't help but feel his heart beat faster at the way he was staring at him. He looked as neutral as ever. At least, that was what Kakashi would think if he didn't know any better.
Even though they've been apart for twenty years– Kakashi can still read Obito like a book in the same way that Obito still wears his emotions on his sleeves. Some things never change.
Obito's eyebrows were furrowed, forming a wrinkle between the two crests. His eyes were narrowed too, it made Kakashi feel small.
“I–”
“Are you stupid?”
Kakashi's eyes widen in shock as he hears Obito's words. “What?” He says, the words involuntarily coming out of his mouth.
“You're lucky your advisor allowed me to use my Sharingan.” He explains.
So that's how he was found.
He was lucky. Since Kamui was a special dimension made by Obito's Mangekyou Sharingan, the only one who had access to it was Obito and Kakashi. If Obito hadn't been allowed permission to use his Sharingan, Kakashi probably would've never been found unless he miraculously recovers chakra while inside there, the chances of finding his body were close to none.
“Honestly, Kakashi.” Obito tiredly sighs. “What's with you? You decide to keep me alive, and then you avoid me?” He says, and Kakashi feels the atmosphere around them shift into something uncomfortable.
Oh so we're getting there.
“And when you finally want to talk, you walk away in the middle of it like some kind of–” Obito cuts himself off with a groan. Kakashi couldn't help but look away in shame. He couldn't even say anything. Because everything Obito was saying was right. He was the one who decided to fight for Obito's freedom, and he was the one that wanted to reconcile. And yet, there's nothing good that came of it.
“I don't get you, Kakashi.” He sighs, again, and Kakashi wants nothing more in his life than to shrivel up and die on the spot. Obito's power to make people feel like ants was truly terrifying.
“I never wanted to live, if that's not obvious enough for you.” He crosses his arms, looking at Kakashi intensely through his narrowed eyes. “And yet here I am. It was obvious as hell that you had a reason why you wanted to keep me alive, and you don't even have the decency to tell it to me before you decide to go to some dangerous fucking mission where there's little to no information about it.” He snaps.
Once again, Obito was right. What he did was reckless. It was true (and admittedly the reason why he did it in the first place).
“Are you finally going to answer my question or not?” Obito was pissed, Kakashi can feel it in the way that his chakra was flaring up. When Kakashi doesn't answer, Obito takes it upon himself to force the man to, by grabbing the collar of his shirt and yanking it; forcing Kakashi to come face to face with the man he's been avoiding for the past few months.
Kakashi was panicking, if he was connected to a heart monitor right now, it would've been beeping relentlessly. He was breathing heavily too, as if each inhale was the last one and the air was slowly running out.
Kakashi can feel everything. The way his shirt was hugging him tighter at the back as Obito tugs his shirt, his clenched fists tightening by each second that passes by. He can hear the footsteps of the nurses outside, rushing to each patients’ room to give their aid. He can see the white marble floor of the hospital that hasn't changed a bit since his last visit here. He can smell the hospital’s alcoholic smell, mixed with Obito's.
It was overwhelming.
“Are you going to answer me or–”
Everything else became a blur, and before Kakashi knew it, words were slipping out of his mouth.
“I love you.”
Time stopped, the world went still and Kakashi can no longer feel. The fabric, the nurses, the marble floor, Obito's smell, all of it went away in a second. It was as if Kakashi was transferred into his own utopia where the weight he's been carrying on his shoulders for the half of his life was lifted off.
“What.”
Everything snapped and came crashing down like a dam, and Kakashi can suddenly see. See Obito's horrified expression at his confession. The way his eyes widened, lips parted and his eyebrows furrowed.
Kakashi should've been hurt, but he didn't (couldn't). Because he's finally accepted that Obito hated him (did he?). Obito could never tolerate him, let alone love him, and Kakashi should accept that (he should).
“I…love you…”
He repeats, this time quieter, and they stay in silence for a while. Before Kakashi knew it, he started dissociating, his vision started to blur involuntarily and he started to stare into space. He couldn't hear or feel anything, all he could do was see. Whatever the reason Obito said before he left, Kakashi didn't know. All he could remember was the hospital’s comforting white walls slowly closing in on him as his vision faded to black.
5. avoiding presence
Back then when he was still a teenager and hadn't destroyed his mental health to the point of no return, sometimes, Kakashi would imagine his confession to be like those he'd read in books. In a big romantic location, with sincere words that came from his heart. But most importantly, he'd imagine that his feelings would be returned.
Looking back at it, he was borderline being delusional. But hey, cut him some slack, he was a teenager that had a crush on someone that was presumed dead.
Anyways, what Kakashi means is that he's been long past that. He's accepted the fact that Obito hates him. Although it does hurt a little, he had to accept that this was the consequence of the decision he made.
Naruto and Sakura keep telling him that, no, Obito does not, in fact, hate him. But did they really expect him to believe that when the man himself started avoiding him after his declaration of love?
It has been a month since Kakashi's incident at the hospital and they still hadn't seen each other since, let alone talked.
If, back then, he and Obito barely interacted, then now, their interactions were basically non-existent. It doesn't take a highly trained shinobi to notice that Obito was actively avoiding him. And the situation that put the nail in the coffin happened just a few minutes ago.
Kakashi just finished the pile of paperwork that he'd set aside to work on that day, and since it was still early at that time, he decided to go to the local shop to buy some groceries.
What he didn't expect to see was Obito standing behind the counter looking as comfortable as ever (well– until he saw Kakashi, that is).
Kakashi looks at Obito, then at the bag of groceries he was carrying. He contemplated just leaving it there to avoid the inevitably awkward interaction he'll have with the man, but he decided not to when he saw the humongous eggplants he managed to grab.
Kakashi strides forwards, trying to act as casual as ever and not like he just hadn't confessed his love to the man in front of him.
Obito jumps as he senses Kakashi's presence (understandable), and his head immediately snaps up to look at him.
“Oh– uhm…” Obito stutters (what a sight), before clearing his throat and averting his gaze curtly. Kakashi mirrors his movements, turning his head to the side awkwardly and putting the basket into the counter.
On the contrary, this was less awkward than he thought it would be. All he could think about was how cute Obito looked behind that counter. What he was doing there, Kakashi didn't know, and it was none of his business (doing a favor for someone maybe?).
As soon as Kakashi hears the beeping sound of the cashier register stop, he immediately grabs the plastic and body flickers away from the store. He arrives at the inside of his apartment and immediately relaxes.
He puts the plastic on the table and is about to leave until he sees something white fall out of it. Kakashi's gaze automatically moves onto the small object, he squints his eyes, and realizes that it was a piece of paper. His head tilts and curiosity, and he grabs it.
As soon as Kakashi flips the small paper, he immediately recognizes the handwriting he sees.
“Meet me at Minato-sensei’s stone head. Don't be late.”
There was no doubt about it, this writing was Obito's. Seeing the man's handwriting made Kakashi feel a familiar weight settle on his shoulders once again. He couldn't help but feel like a victim of his own heart.
His hand betrays him, trembling slightly as he folds the paper neatly and puts it in his pocket.
(Right, who was he kidding? He still hasn't accepted the fact that Obito hates him, he was just avoiding it.)
Kakashi feels the familiar thudding of his heart against his ribcage, the last he felt this was a month ago when he was at the hospital with Obito.
Right, Obito.
What should he do? Obito wants to meet him, and knowing him, he'll probably be going to be telling Kakashi that: a) he doesn't want to talk to him anymore, b) he's going to cut him off, or c) reject him harshly. There was no in between when it comes to him.
But still, Kakashi can't deny the fact that this was his own doing. The pain of going there will probably hurt more than anything he's ever experienced in his thirty-one years of living, but he can handle it (he has to).
He takes a deep breath as a way to calm his nerves. As expected, it did nothing at all to simmer down his qualms– but that's to be expected when the topic at hand involves Obito.
Unlike what he did just a minute ago, this time, Kakashi decided that a walk’d probably (and actually) help him calm himself down. He took his sweet time of course, walking around the bustling streets of Konoha with a few people stopping him there and there to greet him.
He was distracted for a while, but eventually, he'd have to face the fact that he was going for a walk to go to Minato-sensei's stone head where he's going to meet with Obito.
Kakashi suddenly gets a whiplash as he sees the familiar white hair in front of him. It glowed under the starry night, giving the man an incandescent aura that allured Kakashi. His footsteps instinctively slowed as he started approaching Obito. He looked peaceful like that, with his hair and clothes flowing in unison as the cool night breeze passed through them. It almost made Kakashi forget about all of his previous inhibitions.
That's why it almost made Kakashi flinch when the man in question moved, turning his head to look in Kakashi's direction before turning his whole body. That way, Kakashi can see what he was holding. His eyes squinted as the dark surroundings hindered his vision a little. When Kakashi finally got his eyes to focus, he realised that Obito was holding a small blanket.
Kakashi can't help as he instinctively raises an eyebrow in question, Obito just looks at him before suddenly opening the blanket and laying it down on the ground– and then, Kakashi realizes what he was trying to do.
“Sit down?” Obito suddenly speaks, and Kakashi relishes the brief bliss he feels as he is subjected to the gentle tone of Obito's voice. Kakashi nods in reply as he finally makes his way beside Obito, sitting beside him– crossing his legs. They were sitting side by side, both cross-legged, on the stone head of their deceased sensei. It felt hopeful, for some reason, and Kakashi felt a small spark light from his heart (please no).
“I want to talk to you about what you said last time.” Oh God, his straightforwardness paired with Kakashi's ability to extremely overthink is not a good pair (it will be the death of him). Kakashi doesn't reply immediately (what does he even say to that?), but when Obito doesn't speak up, he takes it as a sign that he was probably waiting for him to say something.
“Oh– that?” Kakashi stutters out, he hates how his voice came out trembling. No matter how much he acts like he was okay, his body will always betray him. He feels the surroundings grow hotter even if it was the dead of the night.
Obito scoffs at him, “Yes, that.” he says sarcastically before immediately going back to being serious.
No, please no.
Kakashi feels his lungs tighten as silence quietly stretches on for what felt like hours. And then– he suddenly couldn't feel the oxygen that's supposed to be travelling throughout his body, like it's been knocked out of him by Obito (or himself).
Obito takes a deep breath, as if readying himself, and if Kakashi didn't wear his hitai-ate his Sharingan would've surely flared up subconsciously by how nervous he felt at that moment.
Kakashi didn't think of himself as impulsive, no, quite the contrary actually. If Kakashi prided himself on something, it's his impeccable ability to stay calm during stressful situations and make a rational decision. But all of that seems to always– always fall apart when faced with the enigma that is Obito.
Obito always had the ability to make Kakashi turn a complete 180 when it comes to his morals and everything he’s believed in. It happened back then when they were still pre-pubescent teenagers and Obito validated Kakashi's feelings toward his father; what Kakashi certainly didn't expect was for it to happen 20 years later too. Except they were no longer children, but are fully grown adults.
Kakashi wasn't the type to ramble, he's the type that, if he gets upset, he'll just leave you and take a few breathers to calm himself down. But before he knew it, words were spilling out of his mouth– words that were so uncharacteristically tremulous that it shocked even Obito himself.
“It was a mistake.” Kakashi blurted out, his hands were shaky– so was his voice, he sounded like he was on the verge of tears (he was).
Kakashi's heart felt so empty. Like a star just died and was about to collapse in on itself to form a blackhole– eating himself alive from inside out until there's nothing left of him but stardust.
Obito didn't look shocked, he just looked…pitying. Like he'd expected Kakashi would react like this. Like a glass pane who finally broke after years of being rundown to the brink of exhaustion.
“Everything I said was a mistake. Just…just ignore it.” He continues; digging himself lower and lower in the grave he dug himself in, twenty years ago.
Kakashi doesn't give Obito a chance to speak, instead, he continues to rapidly dig the soil he's buried his feet in, deeper and deeper.
“I kept you alive because I'm selfish Obito. I'm a selfish person who can't stand the thought of grieving for you all over again.” Kakashi's voice was lacking its shaky timbre earlier. Instead, he sounded devoid of emotion, like he's shut himself off to the world around him.
“I hope you can forgive me, Obito.” He says, with a drastically light tone that was so different from what he sounded earlier. “I won't deny what I said because it's true.” He didn't feel nervous, or embarrassed, he just felt– relieved. “I’m in love with you. I have been ever since we were children.” He says the words like they were something sacred– something he'll only get to say once.
What he felt back then wasn't acceptance, it was denial. This is what acceptance feels like, light– fleeting in a way that lingers around him like a butterfly does to a flower.
“Whatever you decide to do from now on, I'll accept it. I'll accept whatever punishment you give me.” He says, sighing after he lets out the final syllable. After years, Kakashi finally feels light.
Kakashi looks at Obito, and Obito looks at Kakashi with an unreadable expression plastered on his face.
Obito crosses his arms and Kakashi expects the inevitable.
“Are you finished now?” He says, voice crackling with fire that burns Kakashi's heart. Kakashi meekly nods as his eyes prickled with unshed tears. He might've accepted that he finally confessed after years of pining, but the gruelling realization that he's probably going to get rejected unmercifully by Obito was enough to make him crumble a little.
Obito seems to realize what Kakashi was feeling and sighs to himself before dropping his arms in defeat. “You know, when I wrote that letter to you, I thought that I'll be the one doing most of the talking.” He says, looking wistfully at the village below them.
“Looks like you beat it to me again, Kakashi.” He said with such a fond tone that it made Kakashi's heart swell up. “So much so that you made a decision for me before I even got to make a decision for myself.” He says with mirth, it sounded light, familiar, and so so good that Kakashi wants nothing more but to drown in that moment forever.
But– “What do you mean?”, he asks. Obito huffs out a laugh and looks at Kakashi, eye to eye.
“That I love you too.”
+1. those words
“What?”
It slips out of him almost unconsciously, that's how absurd it was– what he was hearing. It took him no less than a second to realize what Obito was trying to say.
Obito just gives him another tired sigh, before leaning in dangerously close to Kakashi's ear and whispering, “I love you too.” Kakashi flinches back as he feels the warm breath envelop his ear. He touches the part where Obito's lips touched, and looks at the man with pure incredulity.
“I–” Kakashi was about to speak when Obito suddenly cut him off by putting a finger in front of his masked lips.
“Let me speak first.” He says, and Kakashi can't do anything but obey.
“I think I developed feelings for you way back then too.” He starts, and Kakashi sits there, intently listening to what might be their last ever conversation. “But I was too deep in denial and guilt to ever face it. Considering the fact that I was also having an identity crisis, I think I wouldn't have realized it if I wasn't alive here right now.” He says, with Kakashi drinking up every word like a man starved of water.
“Anyways, my point is that I had a lot of time to think. When you confessed in the hospital– I'll be honest with you, I felt mad.” Kakashi doesn't feel hurt, instead, he listens to Obito's every word. “Because I was kept alive for such a selfish reason. But then I realized that I wasn't so different now, was I?”
He elaborates further. “Infinite Tsukuyomi. I wanted the shinobi system to be abolished so badly, so no one would suffer just as much as I– we did, that I was willing to put everyone in a permanent deep sleep and put them in a world where they don't have to feel anything negative ever again.” Obito's hands creep closer and closer to Kakashi's until he can feel his warmth through a finger slowly intertwining with his.
“I was clinging so desperately to that feeling, as you were. The only difference was that you went about it in a completely different way.”
Kakashi was sure he was about to burst into tears at this point. Until Obito stops and leans in closer to him. Closer and closer until their faces were inches apart. Obito studies his face for a brief second before leaning his head on Kakashi's shoulder.
“You're amazing, Kakashi. I'm lucky that you're one of my special people.” He says it so casually that it made Kakashi's hand tremble from pure adrenaline filling up his entire body.
“Is this real?” It was the first thing Kakashi said, because of course it is. Obito chuckles as he nuzzles himself closer to Kakashi's neck, inhaling his scent.
“Look at the moon.”
Kakashi feels a flash of panic as Obito utters those words. His eyes immediately snap up to the sky, waiting to see that cursed red color. The clouds slowly parted, and Kakashi couldn't help the sigh of relief that escaped him.
“You bastard.” Kakashi breathes out, pushing Obito, who let out an indignant squeak, away from him. Obito stumbles back slightly, “It was supposed to reassure you!”, he explains, or at least tries to. Kakashi was still trying to recover from his heart's fast-paced beating which is definitely not a good sign.
“I swear to god Obito you need to start fixing that habit of yours where you say cryptic shit all the time and expect us to react accordingly.”
“It worked with other people before. But then, I should've known better. You've been a chronic overthinker ever since we were children.”
Kakashi's eyebrows furrow in response and he lets out a disgruntled noise. He didn't know what he was expecting when he was going here, but it was definitely not this. He'd thought that Obito was for sure going to kill him or cut him off, not joke with him like years hadn't passed– like nothing has changed at all and they weren't–
What were they again?
“You have that look on your face again.” Obito sighs, putting a finger between Kakashi's eyebrows and gently massaging it– removing the crease that Kakashi didn't even know was there.
“Hm…” Obito makes a contemplating noise, before he hits his palm with his fist. “I'm going to tell you a story.”
“Wha–?”
Obito cuts him off, “Back then, the Uchiha grannies would ask me to stay for a while in their houses to keep them company. I agreed of course– and sometimes, they would tell me stories about the clan and its history.” He starts.
“That's how I found out that an eye exchange is actually a really old tradition of the Uchihas. More specifically, it was done to officiate a marriage between a clan member and an outsider.” Kakashi's eyes widened at the words, and he looked at Obito with pure incredulity.
“So yeah, if you think about it we're basically married.”
“What.”
Obito looks at him in confusion, “You want a label, am I correct?”
Kakashi cringes as he realizes that Obito was either really good at reading people, or he was that obvious. Knowing Obito, it was probably the former.
“Yes I do, but– you want to be my partner?” He says, and Obito looks at him like he's grown a second head.
“I just confessed my love for you minutes ago Kakashi, of course I do.”
Kakashi couldn't believe it. After years and years of pining, imagining this exact moment– it finally happens. He felt his eyes water as he was overwhelmed with emotions. Simply because of the fact that Obito loves him back.
“Plus, we're too old for that boyfriend stuff. And I think we've earned ourselves enough years of pining to finally be able to call ourselves husbands, don't you think?”
Kakashi's heart swells up in happiness, “Yes, of course.”
He stays there with Obito for a while, under the moon’s light illuminating them both in a beautiful golden color as the cool night wind lulls them both to sleep.