Chapter Text
Dragon Me To Hell:
A Hazbin Hotel Story
Cover Art by Ciphy Master
Canto I: For Whom the Bell Tolls
You ever have one of those days where every little thing seems to go wrong and you just can’t win for trying? That perfectly kind of describes how I ended up here. I suppose there should be some kind of flash forward scene where I’m in a seriously awful spot and there’s a record scratch just before it’s about to get worse as “Baba O’Reily” starts playing. “Yep, that’s me!” I should say and so on and so forth, but really, I don’t feel like doing the whole bit. There are better ways to set up how everything went so wrong. Let’s just start the story where it actually begins: The day I died and got sent to Hell.
Okay, let’s back up a little, right before this horror story of mine really gets going.
First things first, I’m a gamer. Yeah, yeah, hold your biting insults, at least until you’re sure I haven’t heard them all yet. Now then, what’s the one thing all gamers have wanted since forever? To be in the game. Well, I totally got my chance because lucky little me, I got me an honest to goodness real VR Headset! And I don’t mean the cheap novelty stuff, I mean for real, legitimate VR. At least that’s what the beta testing form said.
The Virtua-Scape Decker Headset 6000X, they said the name was still being tested. All I knew is it promised a proper virtual video game experience that would place you directly in the game. All the bells and whistles, the special gloves, the cool visor over the eyes, no controller necessary, just you and your mind and the game world itself.
Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking, this sounds like a recipe for one of those really overdone Isekai stories. I get caught in the game, become super overpowered and somehow end up with a harem while justifying slavery because someone falsely accused me of rape.
Oh, do I wish that was my problem! I even thought it was at first! Well, not that last part anyway... look I’m getting ahead of myself. Long and short of it is, they promised that wouldn’t happen and this thing was completely totally safe. And I thought it would be, it seemed to be. It hooked up just fine and before long I was knee deep in their fantasy roleplay game, “Dungeons of Everdark!” Or was it “Darkmoor Catacomb Quest?”
I don’t remember, the name isn’t important, it was some sort of dumb Skyrim-clone, alright? I just liked that I was able to kill goblins and giant spiders for what felt like for real with a sword and everything. I was having fun, really having fun! Just watching the XP bar keep going up with every slash up until the first boss. A dragon, because it's always a dragon eventually.
Never was a fan of killing dragons by the way. It’s always the most generic of power fantasies and I’m not into it. I’d rather BE the dragon, I even said this myself when playing, “This game would be way more fun if I was the dragon.”
Pfft, whatever past me, you idiot.
But I probably would’ve had more fun as this dragon, because after like the fourth time I’ve been killed by it, I’m thinking this is actually an optional super hard boss I’m supposed to come back to later. Well screw it, I’m committed now and like a stubborn idiot I kept going at that fucking dragon over and over again. Just trying my damndest to kill it, screaming at it like mad, being pissed as fuck. I’m so angry, I barely feel this weird tingling thing at the base of my skull. I’m just so pissed this game is fucking with me, so I ignore it and then...
Well then, the dragon torches my ass and that tingling feeling suddenly travels up the back of my neck, into my skull, everything goes pitch white and then... darkness.
And this is about where that whole “every little thing goes wrong, and you can’t win for trying” kicks in for real.
Next second, my head is shrieking in searing pain, just the absolute worst and I fall back into what seems like a chair. I struggle to get this smoking pile of junk off my face, expecting to grab my phone and immediately tell the manufacturer his piece of shit headset almost fried me. Then I realize... I’m not in my room. At all. I’m in some sort of void, dark as pitch, sitting in a chair that’s not my own. When I finally get the visor goggles up onto my head so I can actually see better, a pair of lights come on. One over me and one illuminating a desk at the other side across from me.
With this freaky looking being with a dozen or so eyes swirling about this single point of light is gazing at me.
“Oh no,” I groan aloud. “Oh no, no, not this.”
“Haven’t heard that one in a while,” the entity somehow sarcastically says without a mouth.
“They said this wouldn’t happen! They promised!” I complained, trying again and failing to get at the smoking headset, but feeling my hand sizzle against the metal. “Damn it, come on!”
“Hey, relax, you’re not unique,” the entity claims.
“Really? You’ve processed the other Beta Testers too then?” I ask infuriated, not at all understanding the reality of the situation.
The entity just looks at me with every single one of its eyes wearing an expression of confusion.
“Beta Testers? I’m sorry?”
“Yeah, the other people playing the game,” I state.
The entity goes over some notes on its desk, its hundreds of eyes just rapidly reading.
“Oh... I see, that’s how it happened,” he says. “Tough break, pal.”
“Whatever, just give me the stupid overpowered undervalued skill so I can start figuring out how to get out of here,” I ask, wanting to move this along, holding out my hand to him.
The entity is back to being confused again.
“Overpowered skill? What?” It asks. “I... I don’t think you understand what’s going on here.”
“Like Hell I do, you’re God or whoever, right? You’re going to send me to the world of the game as a legendary hero or some demon lord or a puddle of slime or whatever and I have to survive it to amuse you or something,” I surmised bluntly and curtly. “Well, for your information, I don’t care how many hot women exist there, I’m not sticking around. I have stuff to do. Just tell me what you want done, I’ll get it finished, and we can all go back to our regular lives while you can go back to running the universe or something.”
I thought that was what was happening. It made sense given what I had just been doing. Instead, the Entity was now completely perplexed and looked a little sorry.
“Uh, there’s no going back, son,” he informs tepidly. “And I’m not God either. I’m just filling in for Chad on his shift. He had something he needed to take care of. And anyway, we kinda have to move this along.”
“Move what along?” I ask, now perplexed myself.
“Orientation, specifically your entry point,” The entity claims. “This should really only take a second, we’ve gotten really efficient here.”
He takes out some kind of price scanner and just points it to my head. A big green light flashes out of it, blinding me briefly. The entity eventually puts it away when it beeps red and takes a look at the screen on his desk.
As he’s doing that, I’m recovering from the burst of light to my eyes, trying to get a look at my hands to situate myself. Except, it’s just gray smoke in a sort of outline of a hand. Instantly, I was starting to worry this was worse than I thought. The dude with the several eyes wasn’t helping.
“Hmm, sudden cerebral hemorrhaging, electric feedback straight to the brain from the rumble feature,” he lists off with barely a care. “Oh, they really didn’t test for that in the lab. Good news is your family is going have a huge windfall in the wrongful death lawsuit.”
“Wrongful death? What?” I ask, still not getting it because I’m seriously deep into denial.
The Entity isn’t helping either.
“Still, killer way to go man, you might just get a little luckier than most,” he jokes. “Uh sadly, um... I’m afraid I got some bad news on top of the other bad news.”
“What bad news!?!” I demand to know.
“Well thing is-” That’s when his watch starts beeping and he panics. “Uh oh! Another one coming in, sorry man! We’re swamped, I gotta speed this along. Better luck in the next life... is what I would say if you were a Buddhist, but you’re not so... enjoy your stay.”
Before I can even ask another question, he’s pulled this lever at the side of his desk. The floor beneath me opens up and the chair catapults me forward into the abyss beneath me. I scream aloud in absolute terror as I’m swallowed up by darkness... just as a spiraling inferno envelops me. Suddenly my skull lights up with a searing pain as I plummet and a very familiar song starts playing.
Little Boy You’re Going to HELL!
You Said Bad Words, Threw Rocks at Birds,
And Now This is Your Hotel!
You ain’t goin’ back! This ain’t Disneyland! It’s Hell!
The song is coming from my headset, as if the stupid thing has decided that this is funny. That this is exactly what this situation calls for. I’d probably be angrier at it, maybe even manage to rip the thing off so it will shut up. But no, too much fire, burning at my skin and I feel strange.
It was hard to describe, even now, because of how painful it all was. It was like I was being stretched and squashed all over. A flaying sensation ripped up along skin on my arms. Something started to dig out of my skull, giving me a massive headache. My feet get broken apart and violently snapped, my socks shredded to pieces as something explodes out of them. Exposing them to the heat swirling around me, my skin stiffening as it cracks.
Meanwhile, my spine cracks, contorts, elongates and explodes out my backside. Seemingly, my headache worsens in the same moment, slicing into my mind hard. It is suddenly overshadowed by my neck pulling itself free from my shoulders, more skin melting and stretching out before bending about like a rubber hose. Finally, an invisible force begins tugging at my face, pulling my mouth and nose towards it, merging the skin together.
All of this happened in seconds, as the raging inferno twirls and bats me around in the air. The flames, at some point, stop hurting me so much, because everything else that is happening hurts a thousand times more.
Then of course the fire grabs me, with literal damn fingers and flings me into the side of a building. As in an actual building, which I crash into before I continue to plummet, somehow smashing into every gargoyle imaginable before faceplanting into a scaffold, which snaps on one end. I try to hold on, but the centrifugal force just launches me as I swing out into the air.
Also, something felt really wrong with my hands.
Little Boy it’s Time for You to PAY!
For Hurtin’ that Bird, Not Goin’ to Church and Starin’ at BOOBS ALL DAY!
You Thought You Were Back in Bed, instead YOU’RE IN HELL!
I’m tumbling now, crashing through a billboard which I suspect I left a perfect impression of my body through like a certain cartoon coyote. I’m not sure what the weird TV-Faced guy on it was, but he probably won’t be happy I wrecked his ad. It’s the last thing on my mind of course before I slam into the fucking pavement hard.
Mostly because the stupid song has to remind me how “Hell Isn’t Good” a few times before I finally land on the street. And it is a street, I’m almost certain of that. Resisting the urge to act out a scene from one of my favorite movies and declare myself roadkill to my mom, I manage to stand up. I’m surprised I’m still alive after all that, but it’s starting to sink by this point... I’m not really alive anymore anyway.
Which really hits home, when I look up into the blood red sky, take in the scent of sulfur and brimstone, see fires looming in the distance in every direction, and look at the population around me. Various horned beings, disfigured personages, inhuman appearances, one dude has a squid for a head, another some dark void with teeth.
Then of course there’s the nightmarish, yet cartoonish, architecture. It's like Tim Burton also did Gotham for the animated series and then set it on fire... after dropping a few nukes.
Perched atop a sign for some store that sells “Knives, Knives and more Knives”, if the title is to be believed, is a strange multi-eyed crow beast. It caws at me before it swoops down and murders this disgusting two-headed rat monster with its beak. Then its xenomorphic second mouth starts slurping up the remains.
“Oh fuck, it’s real!” I realize right at that moment, screaming bloody murder. “It’s all fucking real! No! Oh, fuck no!”
I try to get out of the street, only to trip and fall the second I try to move. The cause? Some sort of green, orange and yellow striped tail of some creature. It is exceptionally long, as in ridiculously, cartoonishly even. I reach out to pull on it and realize that when I pull, my backside pulls with it.
That would bother me more, but this is about when I get a better look at my hands, my clawed red scaled hands, attached to leathery bat-like wings. And while looking down at all of this I notice my feet, large, clawed feet with red scales that look like a cross between an eagle and a T-Rex. The claws dig into the ground as they move in response to shock, revealing the vicious talons’ prehensile nature.
“Oh no... oh shit fucking no!”
I pick up my tail, because I’ve quickly realized that’s what it is and rush over to the nearest place I can find. An unsavory den of ill-repute, and that’s not me describing it, that was literally its name: “The Unsavory Den of Ill-Repute.” Trust me, it doesn’t really get any cleverer down here, as I would learn.
Inside I find more of the scary looking inhabitants, all dressed in different attire spanning decades, centuries and eras. They’re all glaring at me as I enter, rushing towards the bar, trying and failing not to call attention to myself. In fact, my distraction results in someone trying to cheat at cards by going for the deck outside his turn. When he’s spotted one of the other patrons pulls out a chainsaw blade and shoves it into the cheater’s face.
Note to self, do not cheat at gambling in Hell.
I find the barkeep, some vicious one-eyed goat skull demon thing with smoke pouring out of his mouth and nostrils.
“Do you have a restroom, sir?” I ask desperately.
“Paying customers only,” he says, fire sparking from his mouth. "So, buy something and be quick about it, last call is coming early today."
“Uh, could I start a tab?” I ask sheepishly.
The bartender sighs and just pours me something. It looks gross, I don’t think the froth is bubbles, it looks a lot slimier and I’m pretty sure there’s a bird’s claw hanging out of it. I’m not one for beer, especially this kind, but I just take a sip. It’s absolutely vile of course, but I’m far too terrified of this giant monster demon thing to insult him over it.
“Oh... how... wonderful,” I say trying not to gag. “Restroom? Now!”
The bartender just points to the back, and I rush off as fast as possible, locking the door behind me.
“Get a grip on yourself pal, get it together,” I say, feeling up my forehead, touching the helmet... and then something else, poking out the top of my head. “Oh fuck, now what?”
I get over to the mirror, which is why I’m actually here, and take a look in it. Staring back at me is not my face, but the toothy long snout of a dragon. Green in complexion, with orange stripes running down my body at odd angles. Little fins poke out the tip of my hookish nose on either side at the end of my snout, which has this misshapen x-cross along its top.
My eyes are different from each other. One a shade of dark yellow with a snake-like slitted orange pupil in the right eye. And on the left, bloodshot red sclera, blue cornea and a pitch back pupil shaped like an eagle’s eye.
As I peer into each, I notice my ears are now oversized fins, sticking out the sides of my helmet. My hands are now red claws, with leathery bright orange sinew stretched along my arms. Although with a little effort, I find I am able to fold them up a bit against my arms. At least until the point they are not entirely intrusive. Sleeves are probably going to be a bit of a problem going forward either way.
“The fuck?” I ask panicking.
I look up to my head and notice my horns. One's curvy and pointed upwards. The other curls in like a ram's towards the back of my head. It is so asymmetrical and off-putting and wrong. My whole body is still as long and lanky as ever, but now it's just more so. The weird digitigrade bird-legs aren’t helping either. Everything feels off.
“Okay, okay, your eyes are different colors/shapes, and you have horns that don’t match growing out of your head,” I admit to myself aloud. “This is fine. I’m fine. This doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t bother me. Not at all. It doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t bother me. It bothers me. It bothers me. IT REALLY FUCKING BOTHERS ME! BEND THE RIGHT WAY YOU STUPID-!”
My OCD is kicking in now because I absolutely hate how this looks. It is just the worst. It’s supposed to match. Your face is supposed to match. This isn’t supposed to fucking be there! I shouldn’t have horns that don’t match! So, I try to rip the curly horn off, only managing to snap some of it instead. I feel my skull twinges in pain as it happens.
I audibly groan as I look at myself. That really hurt and it didn’t really fix anything. All I’ve done is crack my damn horn off.
“Okay, fine,” I grumble. “So, I look like fucking Venger from the 'Dungeons & Dragons' show now. I can work with this. Focus on the positives.”
I still have my glasses it seems. Good there. I’m wearing my favorite Iron Maiden shirt, with the Trooper Eddie and everything, also good. I can still recognize some of my features, so I’m not completely alien to myself. But this is hardly the dragon I wanted to be in my fantasies.
I’m not powerful looking, no broad shoulders, my arms are part of my wings now, so I’m technically a Wyvern-style Dragon, not a deal breaker but still a little freaky. I have a tail now tail, which at that moment rises into my view, twitching around erratically. As stated before, it is clearly too long. I can already sense its going to be a problem. Oh and of course, the helmet. The VR Headset is still on my head. It looks broken and scorched, but its still there.
My attempt to remove it does little more than elicit an electrical shock that forces me to release it. On top of it giving me a massive headache, I decide not to try that again. Clearly it is stuck there for now. As I ponder how I’m supposed to remove the damn thing at all, I notice my broken horn is... not so broken. It’s already forming back, as curved and pointed as ever in its asymmetrical problematic shape.
“Oh, fuck you,” I growl at it.
This is such bullshit, I think, pacing around the restroom, (which is complicated by the small space, I know!) before finally coming back to the mirror.
“This isn’t happening,” I keep saying. “I’m in a coma, the headset fucked up, but I’m not actually dead and I’m not actually in Hell. I’m actually fine, everything is fine.”
The VR Goggles suddenly slip down onto my eyes, and, just as out of the blue, my reflection leaps out of the mirror, grabbing me around the throat.
“Fine? We’re not fine,” my other me says. “We just saw some dude get his face cut up with a chainsaw. Does that sound... fine?”
I reach up to pull the goggles off and the killer reflection vanishes, the random ass reference from one of my favorite movies gone as quickly as it arrived. I again try to pull the helmet off, to no avail, and another electric shock.
“OW! Fuck you! I’m not doing this shit!” I shout at nothing in particular. “This is a fucking mistake! That multiple-eyed asshole made a mistake! He had to! I don’t belong here! I’m out! You hear me, Hell?! I’m out! Fuck you!”
I barge out of the restroom and rush up to the bartender again, stomping my feet as I do.
“Hey!” I call up to him.
He turns, slowly, not appreciating my tone. My bravado leaves me in seconds, and I revert back to my general mode of trying to work through things, being as pathetically nice as possible.
“Uh, I mean, excuse me,” I speak up to him, correcting myself. “I would like to know how I get out of here.”
“The same way you came in?” The bartender replies confused.
“No, no, I mean, out of here,” I correct myself once more, trying to clarify my meaning. “Out of... Hell. You see, um, there’s been a mix-up and I’m not... I’m not supposed to be here.”
The bartender’s scowl turned to an amused grin, which I do not like.
“Oh really?” He asks, leaning over.
“Yeah, yeah, see there was this hundred-eyed guy, I don’t think he was reading my paperwork all that good and he wasn’t even supposed to be evaluating me or whatever,” I try to explain going at a mile a minute. “And honestly, I don’t even think it was my time, and I didn’t even get to plead my case. So, if you know who I can talk to so I get out of here, it would be really appreciated because I’m actually... not... like I said I don't belong here. I’m... I’m a good person.”
By this point everyone in the bar has their eyes on me and I think I’ve made a mistake. They’re all just, staring me down, the entire menagerie of freakish patrons. And then, without warning, every single one of them bursts out laughing. It’s most certainly not “With You” laughter, this is very clearly “At You” laughter.
When it subsides, the bartender himself is barely keeping it together.
“Buddy, if you’re here, it’s for a reason, trust me,” he declared. “Best get used to it. Which is what I would say, but you ain’t lasting long down here. That's for sure.”
“There is no good reason, I haven’t done anything to warrant Hell! I don’t belong here! I was playing a stupid game!” I shout back in defiance. “I’m not supposed to be a scrawny little dragon! I’m supposed to be earning achievements and listening to classic rock! I’ve never done drugs once in my life! I don’t even like beer! I don’t belong in this... this torture pit with the scum of the fucking Earth!”
Oops, I realize my mistake the second I say it. Any laughter I elicited with my denial of basic accepted reality for these folks has now been replaced with very offended silence. The kind of silence that tells you to start backing out the door, very slowly.
“I’m just...” I move the glass of gross beer I had back. “You can have it. I’ll just... I’ll be going and-”
“Scum, eh? Think you’re too good for us?” The Bartender asks in kind. “You think you’re somehow better than us cause you’re not as dirty?”
“Well... morally, I meant I was better than you morally,” I speak before thinking. “Everything else you got on lock easy!
“Well okay, New Blood,” the bartender says as his patrons gather around me, pushing me into the center of the room. “Let’s see how clean you stay when we’re done with ya!”
“This is entirely unwarranted,” I try to argue. “If you’ll just give me a second to-”
A bottle shatter s against my head, the helmet only slightly protects me. My tail reacts before I do, smashing the assailant in the face. Too bad it’s not enough to tame the rest of the crowd, who all jump me at once.
After a few smashed chairs, broken tables, split pool cues and battered ribs, I’m being tossed out the door back into the street in a heap by the goat-skull faced host.
“You ain’t too good for the gutter, lizard! No one down here is! Now fuck off back under a rock why don’t you!?”
I pick myself up, stumbling to the sidewalk. This is just about the worst feeling ever. It’s not really the pain, which is slowly subsiding. It’s the fact I’m letting it sink in that I very well may actually be dead. And in Hell. By mistake. Because it has to be mistake. I’ve never done anything truly evil or bad in my life! Nothing worth eternal damnation!
“This can’t be it,” I say aloud, wandering the streets, past throngs of horrifying people, my new wings clasped over me like a protective cloak. “I can’t just be stuck here because some douchebag upstairs didn’t want to read my file properly. This is SO wrong. I can’t possibly be fated for this, right?”
I turn to see an alleyway with two people standing over a body. One person is eating its brains, the other is... well they’re eating the skin while doing something most unspeakable to the body’s rear end. I almost throw up when the two freakish little monsters glare at me, then I just run.
I only stop when I bump into somebody. It’s a two headed woman, one head a horned creature, the other a one-eyed maw. One of its arms is a tentacle, the other a misshapen claw. They’re dressed very provocatively and are none too happy with me.
“Hey,” the woman’s horned head says, looking up from the watch she was intently staring at. “No getting fresh unless you pay half up front.”
The second head just screamed at me. I turn to leave, only to run into a large literally living mess of smoke staring over at me with several eyes.
“Hey, you smell new, wanna buy ALL the drugs?”
He opens his undercoat, where there are indeed all the drugs... and he is also wearing nothing under all that. And his body is not all smoke, just his upper torso it seems. Now it’s my turn to scream, as I run across the street in terror, only to end up looking at some porn store’s shopping window. I suspect it’s a porn store or some other kind of sex shop, because I notice two people inside the window having a very literal blood orgy while cutting each other.
Then they look at me and smile with their hundreds of serrated jagged teeth.
“Oh, fuck me, NO!”
I keep running, everywhere I go there is some new level of horror or debauchery. It’s like a theme park’s Halloween Celebration, only none of it is an act and there is no escape. Chainsaw wielding maniacs are literally slicing open people for losing chess games. I see someone get dragged into an alley by something that’s mostly tongue... and I think they like it. A bunch of demons are smashing into a store to steal stuff and then pisses on the beat-up store owner's face. There are people literally on fire, on crosses, and little kids, children, are throwing axes at them to win prizes.
At every turn, down every street, some sort of messed up to fuck thing I’ve never seen before. At this point I’m panicking, expecting something worse and worse constantly. Every cell in my body is freaking out beyond belief. It’s all so wrong.
And the nagging, terrible thought at the back of my skull is that sooner or later one of these things is gonna catch up to me. Some evil as fuck dipshit will drag me off or pin me down and get their kicks off of my pain because that’s how it works down here. It’s like that movie with the guy with the pins in his head! Clive Barker was right! Oh fucking horror of horrors, was he right!
I can’t live like this, I can’t live here, I can’t belong here! Not with these monsters! Not with history’s worst conglomeration of people! I don’t care if I look like a dragon now, nothing is worth this! And being a lame looking dragon doesn’t exactly help! I need to think! I need a way out! I need to relax so I can think of a way out!
And the gurgling in my stomach says, I need food most of all.
I still need to eat despite being dead? Well, I am in Hell, hunger is likely inevitable. Food can at least relax me and cut off my anxiety before it gets worse. Problem is, there’s no food. Just rows upon rows of drugs, drugs and more drugs. I actually think that was one store’s name. I told you; they didn’t get cleverer. I guess there was a strip joint or brothel here and there to break it up, but that was the last thing on my mind. After wandering for what felt like forever, I could take it anymore.
“Does anyone know where I can get something worth eating around here?!” I shouted aloud.
And that’s when I noticed I was actually in front of a diner. “The Greasy Shit Shovel,” how appetizing, I sarcastically thought, but beggars can’t be choosers.
I force myself to go inside, finding a dive that was full of grime and smelled of feces, but whatever. I had to at least try something to keep my strength up. The guy running this place was a three-eyed ogre of some kind, with large tusks and very beefy hands. I try searching my pockets for any money, I have about two bucks and fifty cents... Canadian. I’m not sure if Hell cares about the exchange rate, but I don’t have a choice.
“Just... whatever this gets me,” I ask.
At least the ogre is fine with it and heads off to the back, leaving me with my thoughts.
“Think this through, dude,” I tell myself. “Think it through. You’ve read books, you’re literate, you know shit. How did Dante manage this?”
I think hard back to both that video game and what I know of the epic poem.
“Right, right, I find the lowest ring, I beat Satan up with a giant scythe weapon and then I get to go to Purgatory through a magic portal,” I reason. “That’s gotta be better than this, right?”
I stop myself before I go further.
“Wait, shit,” I grumble. “Ugh, where am I gonna get a scythe? I guess I could buy one, but I got zero cash. How am I gonna fight Satan without a weapon? I need at least a cross or something holy, where am I supposed to find that? Maybe I can find a Catholic Priest down here, there’s gotta be at least one of them given all the shit the Vatican’s covered up.”
The ogre chef comes back with my burger. It doesn’t look exactly right. Maybe cause the meat is purple and the bun is some sort of pinkish-red? I don’t know, but I’m desperate right now, so I go to try and eat it... when my tail grabs it and pulls it away from my grasp.
“Oh, come on, for real?”
I probably should’ve suspected my tail had a mind of its own, because how else would it seem to keep tripping me up? It would also explain a few other weird things. I attempt for about a minute to snag my tail and force it to return my food. Eventually, I manage to do so after spinning my chair around to the point I grab the burger from it.
“Knock it off! I’m starving here!”
Although I admit, the burger isn’t as appetizing as I want it to be. It seems caked in grease and I’m sure its leaking blood, not Barbeque Sauce. I steel myself all the same and take a bite. It’s at least edible enough that I don’t want to kill myself, a sort of rancid porky taste, I think. Ultimately, I just try to swallow it down.
As I’m chewing on the kinda gross but not too gross burger, I turn my head over to the TV attached to the corner of the wall. At least Hell has television, maybe there’s something worth watching? Nah, my luck it's reruns of the Brady Bunch Variety Hour on loop. Or worse... that show about the puberty monsters.
I shudder at the very thought.
Instead, what’s on is a countdown clock, ticking down ever so slowly. There’s at least two hours left on it.
“Wonder what that’s for?” I wonder aloud. “Probably when the official torturing starts or whatever."
It is only now, looking back as I have my gross burger and can process things, that I take stock of what I witnessed. The demons down here, even while they were mutilating one another, they looked a bit...rushed? I was not sure if those were the right words. Everyone just appeared to be on overdrive, trying to hurry up and get their killing and debauchery done.
They were throwing those axes at the burning crucified people rather frantically. Everyone was really pushy about stuff, like that drug deal for one, more than would be expected. And now that I thought about it, those looters were in a hurry for being in a place where I doubted there was any actual law enforcement around to inconvenience them. I could only speculate as to why that all was the case at that point in time, perhaps they needed to make torture and sin quota?
I put the thought out of my mind for the moment, and I move to take another bite out of the burger. That was when my helmet’s goggles slipped again. I think my tail does it this time as I feel it thwack the side of my head.
Regardless, the goggles fall right onto my peepers and suddenly a heads-up display appears before me. I’m astonished to see a health bar, breathing status, current heartrate, it’s got almost everything. I was worried for a second it was going to show me something horrible like last time. I don’t need more creepy hallucinations referenced from horror films, thank you.
Luckily, that’s not the case this time... it showed me a different flavour of horrible. Literally!
The moment I focused in on the burger, the goggles started scanning it. I must’ve hit or triggered something, I guessed, but I didn’t remember touching anything. I don’t even think I was wearing the gloves anymore. Either way, when the scan finished it revealed to me what was in my burger. The percentages of meat were as followed, Sixty Percent Rat, twenty percent maggot... twenty percent human.
I wretched instantly, repeatedly and threw the burger across the way, my body heaving as the food tried to travel back up my throat. I rushed out the door screaming in horror.
“People! It’s fucking people! People and Rats and Maggots! AARRRRGGHHH!”
I didn’t stick around, but I think the ogre chef was most saddened by my departure.
“I knew it,” he said grumbling. “I knew putting in less maggots was the wrong choice.”
If you ask me how I know he said this... that’s for later. Not important. I know I wasn’t thinking about anything else but getting out of here right NOW. Screw finding a holy weapon or whatever. I was just going to find the Devil himself and make him let me leave! I was not going to be stuck in Hell eating burgers made partially out of people! I wasn’t staying here another second more!
So, when I finally found a bus, I hopped inside just as it was making its stop, pushing past whatever patrons were nearby.
“Does this go to whoever runs this fucking nightmare!?!” I demand from the driver, some insectoid creature with leftover human skin stretched over his exoskeleton.
“Uh, sure,” he says through his mandibles. “Eventually, I guess. Although, most everyone is just trying to get hunkered down-”
“Whatever, good enough!”
I take a seat right behind the driver, shivering in fear as I stare out the window. I just watch pillars of fire shooting into the sky, while random people gun each other down in the street or mug one another in quick succession. Utter madness, chaos, decay. Everything they ever said it was, and I hate every waking moment of it in its cosmic absurd cruelty.
More so because I’m here, of all cruel jokes, in the body of a dragon that’s puny and asymmetrical and awkward looking. With a VR Headset that keeps shocking me. It has to be torture on this place’s part, a passive means of making my life suck from now on.
“Why?” I ask myself, trying to prevent myself from sobbing. “Why is this happening? Why me? I just played a video game. I just wanted to have fun playing in virtual reality. Why did this have to happen?”
I look to the driver, his face staring straight ahead, practically ignoring me.
“Hey, sir, be honest with me, this isn’t happening right?” I ask, trying one last time to bargain my way out somehow. “I’m... I’m gonna wake up. It’s the headset fucking with me. You have to be honest with me, you’re in my head, you’re part of me, you can’t lie to yourself on this level, right?”
“I just drive the bus, buddy, I don’t give life advice,” the bug man tells me, checking the clock on his dashboard. “I gotta pick up the pace here, so don't distract me. Honestly, you should probably just get ready.”
I look at him perplexed.
“Ready? What do you mean ready? Are we already at Administration or something?”
“Oh no, that’s a good few miles,” The bug driver tells me. “I’m talking about them.”
I slowly turn my head around to see a large group of people in the other seats. All very large, very muscular, incredibly intimidating, all looking at me. Some licking their chops, others groping themselves, more leering and breathing hard in my direction.
I slowly turn back to the driver, my tail shivering about.
“Sir... why are all these people looking at me like I'm a slab of meat?” I ask tepidly.
“What, you don’t know?” The driver asked. “Didn’t you read the side of the bus?”
“No, I just needed to get to whoever runs Hell,” I explain again. “Does this go there or not?”
“It does, eventually, but you gotta pay the toll first like everyone all the same,” he explains dutifully.
“What toll?” I ask, searching my pockets. “I don’t have any money and what does that have to do with these people... behind... me...”
A terrible realization hits me as the driver pokes his insectoid claw upwards.
“I hate when they make me tap the sign,” he growls.
He does so, the sign above his head to be exact, which reads, in very plain, large letters, “Rape Bus.” Just “Rape Bus.” Very direct, very formal.
“Are you fucking kidding me!?!” I shriek. “How is this a thing!?!”
“It’s very lucrative, I’m here because I don’t really have any holes to plug and if they try, my body secretes acid onto them,” the driver explains as he reaches down into a lower compartment. “Now, don’t worry, there’s some lube in here somewhere.”
I turn back to the leering predators in the back seats. I can swear I see at least one person pull out a banjo and play a few chords on it. That’s when someone else squeals. I don’t wait another second. I open my mouth to scream...
...and let out a blast of fire from it almost by pure instinct.
As the bus catches fire, swerves across the road, and smashes into other cars, I extradite myself from the chaos in an involuntary manner. The force of my fire blast ejects me backwards through the windshield, shattering it to pieces. I guess one of my favorite giant monster's more obscure abilities is actually plausible. Not that I have time to think about that before I land on the top of a car on my ass, just as the Rape Bus rear ends it.
From there I scramble to my feet and just keep running, flapping my wings wildly as fire continues to pour uncontrollably from my mouth. Fire trails behind me as my terrified screams echo across the freeway. I probably smash myself into several car roofs just trying to put as much distance between myself and that fucking bus of fuck as possible.
My attempts to fly with my wings are pathetic of course, winding up with me jumping off the side of the freeway and into a home. Where I think I see a family of little horned creatures arguing around their dinner. I bulldoze over what I think is the grandma at the head of the table, after smashing most of their plates, glasses and whatever the main course is. Some roast or bird, I think. I probably set fire to their curtains as I accidentally run over granny’s skull and smash out of the opposite window and into the alleyway below.
I wander out into the streets, dragging myself as I go. I’m just about done, ready to give in. Find some cold dark place to hide and hope it's a nice little corner at least. Somewhere I can get some bearings and just put every horrifying element of this new reality into stark perspective. I’m just so sick of this, I just wanted to play a video game, I didn’t ask for a full-fledged nightmare.
Halfway onto the street, I hear a switchblade behind me.
“Alright, fucker, hand them over!”
I turn to see some little gross gremlin-looking dude with twitching eyes, a gnarled rat tail and ugly little wolf ears poking up out of his head. He’s wearing a little bowler hat, which would be funny if he wasn’t poking a knife at me.
“Oh, what do you want?” I demand to know, more than a little tired and fed up.
“The wings mostly, and the horns,” he says. “I can get some good prices for those pieces. Not many people show up as dragons anymore.”
I glare at him, this ugly little mugger of body parts, because of course they have body part repo men. No, this is unacceptable. I’m over this. Fuck this place, fuck this guy. I just unload everything I’ve built up over the very short time I’ve been here. But it’s a lot all the same.
“Oh sure, what next? My kidney? Liver? Lining of my stomach? Are dragon feet lucky? How about you cut off a portion of my tail before you sodomize my asshole and drink my blood! How about it? That’s your speed, isn’t it?! That’s what you do here, huh?!”
“Whoa dude, relax!” He says to me. “I just want your wings and horns... and then maybe I was going to jack off in your face, but that was it and it wasn’t gonna be sexual, it’s just a power thing.”
“No, fuck you! Fuck all of you!” I declare openly. “I don’t fucking belong here! I was playing a dungeon crawler! Not fucking Liberty City by way of Dante! You’re horrible fucking people! I don’t belong with you! I don’t deserve to be stuck as a fucking lame ass wyvern while every fucking asshole tries to beat me up, murder me, make me eat human flesh, or rape and mutilate me! Fuck you!”
The little wolf-rat-goblin looks at me in shock.
“Okay, you’re clearly having a bad day,” he confessed, feeling slightly sorry... for about five seconds. “I’ll just take one wing and flash my penis at you. I think that’s fair.”
In my anger, my tail suddenly comes to life and punches the ugly little fucker in the face and then whips him across the top of his head, striking him down to the sidewalk.
“Ow, what the Hell, man!” He complains. “What’s your deal? Why you gotta be so uncooperative?”
“Fuck you!” I reiterate. “You want to cut off my arm!”
“Alright, we’ll haggle it down to one of the claws then,” he suggested.
“Why are you people like this?!” I demand to know.
“Uh, it’s Hell, duh, that’s just how it is,” he shrugged, trying to pick up his switchblade. “What? You new or something?”
My tail reacts before I do, swiping the blade away from the rat-wolf-goblin thing and swatting at his face hard enough to knock the bowler hat clean off.
“New and leaving, I’m not staying in this fucking shithole any longer, you can all rot for all I care,” I declare. “I don’t belong here. I’m a good person! A GOOD PERSON!”
“Good people would let me take off a body part or two to feed myself for tonight,” he countered as he fumbled around on the ground. “Come on then, be a generous little dragon! Like in that storybook.”
My tail grabs his leg and smashes him against the side of the building. I don’t even know how it’s doing all that, but whatever, so long as it keeps the fucker away.
“That’s the Giving Tree, you moron,” I groan. “Why am I even bothering with this? You know what? Fuck it, I’m leaving, soak in your own blood pouring from your mouth. I’m finding a place to hunker down before something worse happens.”
As I try to walk off, I notice something about the street. That it's mostly deserted and people are running into their homes, locking up the doors behind them, boarding up windows and generally just trying to get out of sight. I look around perplexed for a moment... as a terrible siren starts to wail. The kind of siren you hear in one of those movies when the missiles are in the air and civilization is about to end.
“Okay, now what?” I ask annoyed.
“Oh shit, I lost track of time!” The body part mugger behind me screams out.
My mind goes back to that countdown clock from before, realizing it must be related to this. As the siren subsides, and the last of the storefronts and homes close up, an eerie silence settles over everything. And that’s when I hear it.
*BONG!*
Loud and resonant, echoing across Hell, my eyes turn upwards as a clock tower in the distance rings out.
*BONG!*
By the second knell, my eyes turn skyward as the red sky seems to part. A bright light shines down from above, cutting through the gloom of sulfur and eternal fire. It is brilliant, it is glorious and yet something about it feels wrong.
*BONG!*
I realize what that feeling is soon enough. For out of the hole emerges various black shapes, winged figures, streaming forth to blacken the sky with their dark wings. They descend on every corner of Hell by the hundreds of thousands and screams follow in their wake. It’s at this point that my headset is playing a new song... and I can hear it as the bell’s chime merges with the song’s intro.
My goggles drop again at this moment. A little message in the corner of the screen reads:
(Metallica - For Whom the Bell Tolls - Start)
As the guitar riffs begin the winged creatures descend on the area. Not everyone is indoors, and its far too late now, as the dark winged creatures dive down and stab Hell’s denizens with pointed spears. The hellspawn run in terror, more terror than they had shown previous, as the sky monsters surround them, plunging their weapons into their bodies, pinning them to the walls or the street to jab them repeatedly. They smash into building rooftops, and seconds later bodies are flying out windows or smashing through boards, the creatures chasing after them.
“We gotta get out of here!” My mugger says. “We gotta get ou-"
His panic is cut short when a spear drops out of the sky and impales him clean through the eye socket. I jump back in terror as the creature who threw it lands near me, clutching at the weapon. I can see it more clearly now, it’s a totally black covered creature, with wings on its back, but a humanoid physique. It has horns on its head, so I wonder if it too is a demon, but something feels off about that, it doesn’t fit.
Then it turns its head, and I can see a strange electronic glint on its face. Some kind of mask? One that bares a wicked sinister grin made of light. Like a Daft Punk helmet, but decidedly less party oriented. This one’s eyes are one X and one circle. Both colored neon green with a vicious, sadistic grin.
As the creature pulls the spear out of my would-be assailant, I realize this thing, clearly female in nature given how its shaped, has just usurped the now dead demon’s job. That being to vivisect me from head to toe and fling my body parts about the underworld.
And she’s not nearly as incompetent at it.
My tail’s bravery is gone, retreating behind me. I follow its example, moving towards the alleyway.
“I’m... I’m just gonna go,” I tell the thing as it raises its spear. “Uh... see ya!”
I run, the creature lifting up into the sky and screaming a battle cry, attracting more of its kind to me. As I run through the alleys, I can see more of the carnage all around me as the winged killers hunt down and slay the demons wherever they be. Whether in their homes or out in the open. Nowhere is safe from them.
Make His Fight on the Hill in the Early Day
Constant Chill Deep Inside
Shouting Gun, on The Run Through the Endless Grey
Oh, They Fight, For the Right, Yes, But who’s to Say!
Someone tries to jump from a window above me but is pulled back when the spear pierces through their torso. They scream as they’re dragged back inside. A trio of the creatures flies over in formation, another descends in front of me, it’s back turned. It doesn’t see me, more interested in something off to the side which it goes chasing down. I hear a terrified scream followed by silence as I just keep moving.
“Don’t look, don’t think. Don’t look, don’t think.”
For a Hill Men Would Kill, Why? They Do Not Know!
Stiffened Wounds Test Their Pride!
Men of Five, Still Alive Through the Raging Glow!
Gone Insane from the Pain That They Surely Know!
I try to go down one alley but watch as one of Hell’s citizens is impaled by a spear, before more join it and the creatures turn the poor thing into a pincushion.
“Other way, other way!”
I run out into the street again, filled with cars that have crashed into each other. Spears pierce their tops or cut open their roofs, the creatures fling out residents for their comrades to impale them in mid-air on their spears. I just decide to keep running, mostly because spears rain down on me. It seems the creatures have been following me and now they’re trying to cut me down.
“Fuck me! Fuck me!”
My attempts to flee are hampered as I begin jumping across crashed cars. As spears fall in my wake, my real-life version of Frogger is interrupted when my tail snags itself on one of the car doors behind me. I end up tripping over myself and I fall off the guardrail and down a steep hill, the killer monsters flying after me.
For Whom the Bell Tolls!
Time Marches On!
For Whom the Bell Tolls!
When I stop at the bottom of the hill, my eyes dart skyward, the monsters flying above, their wicked grins practically mocking my feeble escape attempt. I scramble to my feet as I barely avoid incoming spears. But I know they’re close behind, eager to cut me down.
I’m in a park, which is no safer, as Hell’s citizens are ripped to pieces by these malevolent killers from the sky. Demon heads on spear spikes surround the area, as more of the monsters join in slaughtering the creatures together. There are some trying to fight back, like this bull monster fellow who charges at on of the black harpies, only to be riddled with spears easily enough. As he comes to stop at one of his killers’ feet, it slowly turns to look at me, hefting the spear high.
I can only think to run, as the spears come for me. At least one grazes my arm, it burns hot and terrible, worse than any of the pain before. I nearly collapse in agony from it. Why does it hurt so damn much? I manage to avoid the next hit barely by ducking behind a car as the spear comes at me. Six more of the weapons pierce the cab before I’m able to rush out.
At the head of one street, I see the area full of the black flying monsters. They are dragging demons from their homes, pinning them down with spears and perforating them. They pluck out eyes, slowly cut off heads, flay the skin and pick up any denizen small enough that they can drop back onto their spears below.
That’s not a good place to go, clearly.
I try to pick up speed and fly up with my wings, maybe if I can get to the rooftops, I can find some place more secure than running around down here. Sure, I have no idea how to fly, but no time like the present right? No such luck though, as one of the spears pierces my wing and I drop down into an alleyway before I can even get an inch off the ground. The absolute searing, awful, agonizing pain shooting throughout my entire arm.
I roll back and see a pair of the monsters glaring down at me.
Take a Look to the Sky just Before you Die
It's the Last Time you Will
Blackened Roar, Massive Roar Fills the Crumbling Sky
Shattered Goal Fills his Soul with a Ruthless Cry
“Okay, screw it,” I declare. “I’m a dragon now! I got my own tricks up my sleeve!”
With nowhere left to run, I decide to unleash fury. My fire worked on those bus predators. it should do just as well against these freaks. I let out as good a torrent as I can, send an inferno at the harpies. I feel like it’s working, really working! That I’m finally doing something that shows I’m not just a weak little newbie dragon in Hell.
That lasts for about ten seconds and then I run out of a breath suddenly. And the black harpies with spears? Not a scratch it seems. They walk through it like a damn T-1000. Including old green eyes from before, she apparently followed me.
“Ah fucksicle,” I grumble.
I try to move back and set up another shot, but I trip over my tail and fall down. Said tail is then stabbed through by one of the spears, pinning me to the floor. It hurts even worse now as its stuck in my body. The green-eyed creature gets over me, jabbing me with their spear, in places that won’t kill me, but I suspect they know that. They just want to make me suffer.
I try to spit fire again, only for a steel heeled boot to smash my snout in. A metal claw grabs my horn and pulls me up. A spear pointed towards my head. The familiar sinister green grin on the monstrous winged murderer towering over me.
“This... is the worst. Fucking day. Ever,” is the only thing my pain-addled brain is able to finally express.
The green-eyed creature goes for my helmet next, trying to pry it off. That’s probably the mistake that saves me. Because that activates its electrical shock, which hits the monster and sends her flying backwards into her cohort. It also hurts me like Hell, which is appropriate, but my head clears enough in the aftershock that I look down to my feet. And I remember, they’re claws now, talons. They can grip things! Like an extra set of hands! And it gives me an idea.
Stranger Now are his Eyes to this Mystery
Hears the Silence so Loud!
Crack of Dawn, all is gone except the Will to Be!
Now they See what will be, Blinded Eyes to See!
I grab the spear and pull it out of my tail with my talons gripping it tightly as I lay there. The neon green-eyed harpy is backing up by now, as is its lieutenant. Green-Eyes seems a little out her sorts, her helmet looks screwed up, she pulls out a sword from off her back as she advances. Her friend recovering as well.
They charge in, weapons raised. So, I chuck the spear back at them, hitting Green-Eyes in the wing. It embeds itself there and the second harpy halts her attack. That seems to do something as the creature drops to ground, before its friend rushes to grab her and help her to fly off. I can tell Green-eyes’ wing is injured at least, as it flaps weakly.
I don’t celebrate. I roll over to a nearby dumpster. After much pained effort, I crawl into it and then shut the hatch tight. The smell is unbearable, but at least once I prop up a discarded pipe against the door, I can keep it locked closed. After a while, the pain starts to subside, but I’m not in any shape to move. All I can hear is screams, panic and death outside. Eventually, exhausted, weary, and unwilling to stand it anymore... I pass out.
For Whom the Bell Tolls!
Time Marches On!
For Whom the Bell Tolls!
Hours later, and I mean a lot of hours, I wake up, sirens blaring and bells ringing in my ears. The screaming has stopped and while I’m still in pain, I feel like I can move again. I don’t want to sit in garbage for another day anyway. I force the hatch open and crawl out, collapsing to the alleyway floor in a heap. My eyes search the carnage around me as I get to my feet ever so slowly.
Hell is a wreck, even more so than when I arrived. Denizens lay dead in the street, their bodies perforated with discarded spears, their guts strewn across everywhere. The streets are deserted, fires rage, car wreckage litters the streets. Of all the horror I saw here in the first hours, nothing compares to this. None of it. Just absolute and complete carnage.
Worst of it is, I cannot see any point to it. Other than senseless slaughter. I try to put it out of my mind. Why should I care? These people are horrible, they deserve whatever they get, I think callously. But I don’t know. They looked genuinely scared, horrified... why?
Clearly there was a lot about this place I had yet to understand. All I knew was that I couldn't stay here. I trek out from the devastated massacre site and further into the city. I needed to get out of here, that goal hadn’t changed. But knowing what the full extent of how bad this place could get, I was fine with cutting my time in Hell by an even more considerable margin.
The scenes don’t change much as I keep wandering the city streets. There are a few people coming out, but just in small groups. None of the bigger throngs and crowds from before. They were scavenging mostly, mindful of the sky above.
I think to myself, this wasn’t a surprise. They had to have known this was coming, that’s what the countdown was for. Why were they all out and about? Just carelessness or apathy? They were dead after all, what was the point of avoiding more torture?
Except, I had this nagging thought... maybe my way out... maybe it was...
I saw one of the spears, sticking out of a dead body. It was not getting back up; the light had left its eyes. I started recalling this concept from another movie favorite of mine. The final death, the last one, when people forget you. Except, this didn’t feel like that. It was a lot more violent, sudden. Maybe that’s what finality was here. Maybe... that was the only escape.
I took the spear, holding it in my hands as I walked along. If nothing else, it was protection. If it had hurt me so bad, surely it would hurt these fucking demon bastards worse.
Eventually I stopped somewhere, it was hard to tell where. I had no idea where I was even going. Just wandering this blasted city wasn’t getting me anywhere and I was too fearful of the others around me to ask for help. I couldn’t trust anyone here, it wasn’t safe.
I looked to the spear in my hands.
“Is this really it? My only way out?” I ask no one. “I either... stay stuck in Hell, with these... freaks... or wait for one of those... flying sadists to impale me on these? For real? That’s my only two options?”
It couldn’t be, right? There had to be something else I could do. There had to be! But what if there wasn’t? At that point, the question cut harder than the spear had. I just leaned against a wall and let myself slide down it. That was when the dam broke. Started with a trickle, then some drops, then a flood as I just broke down and sobbed.
I was stuck here, in Hell, with these monsters, waiting to be killed by something even they feared.
“It’s not fair!” I cry. “I shouldn’t be here! It’s not fucking fair!”
I jab the spear into the ground, just curling up in anguish, my wings wrapping around me. My thoughts assault me in a constant storm. I can’t live here, I don’t belong here, this wasn’t supposed to happen, I miss my family, my friends, I want to go back, I can’t go back. I’m alone. I’m alone in Hell and I’m gonna die a second time here eventually, one way or another.
At the End of the Rainbow there’s Happiness,
And to Find it How Often I’ve Tried,
But my Life is a Race, just a Wild Goose Chase,
And my Dreams have all been Denied.
“Damn it, headset, not now,” I sobbed. “I don’t need your fucking soundtrack for this.”
Why Have I Always Been a Failure?
What Could the Reason Be?
I Wonder if the World’s to Blame?
I Wonder if it Could be Me?
It’s at this point I realize the song isn’t coming from the headset. I can hear it, in one of my big oversized finny ears. I look towards the direction the song is coming from, but it's hard to pinpoint. I just try to focus in on the voice.
I’m Always Chasing Rainbows,
Watching Clouds Drifting By,
My Schemes are just like All My Dreams,
Ending in the Sky!
At the end of the song’s line here, something shoots up into the sky and explodes high above. A Firework in the shape of a pentagram, lighting up the redness above in a beautiful display of color. Something other than blood red at last. Something that isn’t that terrible light above.
Almost all at once, the denizens exit in throngs from their houses and abodes, filling the streets once again. They begin cleaning up the streets, un-boarding their windows, getting back to the usual. At least they’re holding off on the rampaging and murder... for now. My mind just remains on the voice... that... lovely, beautiful voice filling the air from afar. I tune my ears to it, hoping this new stupid body is worth something.
Some Fellows Look and Find the Sunshine,
I Always Look and Find the Rain.
Some Fellows Make a Winning Sometime,
But I Never Even Make a Gain,
Believe Me...
It was such a lovely voice, singing such a sad song. Someone out there felt something, something other than malice or hatred or greed. Someone in this place... cared! Someone was hurting as much as I was! Someone was in as bad a situation as me, maybe far worse! Someone understood what was happening to someone like me! The song said as much, the voice declared as much. I could feel the pain in it, the loss, the brokenness, but the beauty was undeniable. They were striving for something down here.
Something unattainable. Like escaping this cesspool perhaps.
I'm Always Chasing Rainbows,
Waiting to Find a Little Bluebird in Vain.
That cinched it. I needed to find this voice, if only to find someone, anyone who at least understood. And they had to, right? No one with a voice that beautiful, and a longing that deep for a broken dream, couldn’t at least understand a little of what I was going through.
Before I take off, I head back to rip the tip of the spear off and tuck it away. Better to have some backup, in case of another body part mugger or worse showed up. I’m not in the best of shape at the moment, and if I want to find this voice, I need to keep a weapon close but concealed. I needed a surprise.
Besides, I wasn’t lugging that thing around forever.
“Don’t worry, Rainbow Chaser,” I say frantically as I trudge down the street. “I got broken dreams too! We can be broken together! No more loneliness! We can wait for the bluebirds, side by side! HA HA HA!”
I was probably going loopy from all the electric shocks, admittedly. Also, blood loss, that was not helping. And it certainly hadn’t gotten much better as I scampered down the street. I was following where the firework came from and trying to use my ears to pick up the singing again, but I guess the voice behind it stopped.
Why did this damn body only work when it was momentarily convenient? Fucking worthless! I needed to be a better Hell Dragon! And soon!
I scrambled about the streets for a long while, trying to find exactly where the Hell I was going... in Hell. I found keeping my eyes on where the firework had come from was difficult. And I was breaking down at this point again, the adrenaline at possibly finding someone who I could connect to down here was waning.
Along with the aforementioned blood loss and excruciating pain, just about everything was catching up to me. I wasn’t paying attention to much of anything is what I’m saying. Nor was my body up to snuff on a lot of things.
So please forgive me for wandering into the road. Forgive me continuing to stare up at the one clue I had to where that voice was. It was, after all, my only lifeline left right now mind you. With all that and more in mind, I hope you won’t think too harshly of me not seeing the damn limo racing up the street towards me.
Thankfully I didn’t go under the tires or anything, I just collapsed under the bumper as it drove over me. Although it eventually backed up. Needless to say, I felt pretty damn stupid. As if following a firework long since snuffed, after a voice, which I picked up with my super hearing that I apparently couldn't control so good, was in any way an effective strategy. Now, for the... what? Third? Fourth time today? Yesterday? I’d lost count... I was road pizza again. That’s all that mattered. When was this just going to be over?
“Razzle! Dazzle! What did you hit? You two are usually so much more careful about this!”
That voice sounded awfully familiar, but my head was ringing by now so I couldn’t place it. I think the bumper must’ve hit me hard and shorted my headset again... or my glasses were busted by now, I couldn’t say for sure anymore. It had to be one or the other, because I could only make out two very obscured figures, blurred above me.
“I think it’s a sinner... and he’s in a real bad way.”
“Oh no, I can’t believe Razzle and Dazzle could be so careless. You two, look what you did to this poor little guy.”
“Uh, I don’t think this is all from the car. I think he might’ve run into some of the Exorcists.”
“Oh, yeah, that explains it way better. Well, whatever the case, help me get him out from under there!”
I feel them grab my arms and drag me out from under the limo. My vision clears a little as one of the voices gets closer.
“I think he’s coming to! Hello, are you alright? Can you hear us okay?”
My vision finally unblurs... and above me I now behold a vision. A pale-faced, rosy cheeked gorgeous looking young woman, with a black tipped nose and light-yellow eyes, red pupils that bore into me with concern. She smiles brightly as I look up at her, her little fangs poking through as her golden hair is illuminated by whatever passes for a sun in this realm.
She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve seen since coming here. I’m speechless. My expression is locked onto her golden radiance as I can find no words to say. I can only mumble random gibberish, and even that doesn’t come out.
“Oh good, you’re okay,” she says, breathing a sigh of relief. “Vaggie, he’s okay! We didn’t kill him!”
“Well, that’s a relief.”
The second voice comes into view. I don’t recognize her vocals though; they are a little huskier and worn. Still lovely though, just not of the same sunny and joyful exuberance of the golden-haired rosy cheeked woman from before. Her grey complexion is matched by sharper features, white hair, a steely gaze, but only one eye as the other is crossed out with a Red X. This briefly causes me to flinch for a second as I see it, my breathing getting more frantic, remembering Green-Eyes. But once I recognize it's an eyepatch I calm down.
“Hey,” this second woman speaks up, leaning down and snapping her fingers in my face. “Your head on straight? How many fingers?”
She holds up three.
“Three,” I mumble in pain. And I manage to keep talking long enough to get another question out. “Am... am I in Heaven now?” I ask, looking to both of the lovely girls over me. “Has the mistake been cleared? Did I pass a test? This was a test, right?”
The two look to each other befuddled.
“Uh, sorry,” the golden-haired one says. “You’re still in Hell.”
I let out a very pained sigh, too weak to really do much else. I had been grasping at straws anyway.
“You’ve definitely been through the ringer, huh?” The grey-skinned girl asked.
I nod.
“First... day...” I tell her.
The pale-skinned golden vision gasps at this.
“He’s new! Vaggie, he’s a freshly fallen sinner! Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! This is perfect!”
“Charlie, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, we know nothing ab-”
“We know he’s in trouble and hurt and clearly not having a good day! We’re obligated to help him! That’s what we’re trying to do, remember?”
“I know but...”
The golden-haired girl clutches the grey-skinned one’s hands.
“Vaggie please... is he so different from you?”
The one-eyed grey girl looks at me, her hardened expression giving way to pity as well as empathy. She nods in acceptance.
“Alright, but we’re running late as it is,” she says to the first girl. “Help me get him into the limo, we’ll take him with us to the TV station.”
I want to ask questions, but the golden-haired girl is already elated and screeching happily as she hugs her compatriot tightly. Then she quickly takes my legs as the grey girl goes for my arms... wings really, carrying me to the back of the limo.
“Don’t worry,” the golden-haired girl says look over and above me. “It’s going to be okay from now on. Trust me. You can call me, Charlie. That’s Vaggie. We’re going to fix you up and everything, I promise. What’s your name?”
Best I can do in this state is blurt out my initials.
“R... J....”
“R... J? R. J. R.J.! That’s wonderful, easy to remember. Now you just focus on my voice, try and stay awake. Vaggie and I are going to see about closing up these wounds and...”
I focus on her voice like she says, but I’m not really listening at this point. All I know for sure by now is that I’ve found her. I found the songstress. It was Charlie who was singing about chasing rainbows, she was the one with the broken dream. And as Vaggie helped her pull me into their limo, even as battered and bruised as I was, I knew I at least wasn’t alone now.
There was a little kindness in Hell after all.
But as much as I wanted to thank them both, that was about when I think Vaggie accidentally touched my helmet, and the shock knocked me right out.
Yeah, even then things just weren’t going my way. But, hey maybe I was about to hit a turnaround? You know what they say, when you hit rock bottom, nowhere to go but up! Right? And there was no place more rock bottom than Hell.