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As usual, Mildmay wakes up when his brother wakes up, and this morning Felix wakes when a previous client decides to be a problem.
It’s the second hour of the morning by Mildmay’s guess, when the bastard decides to start knocking on Felix’s door. That wouldn’t be too early if they kept to decent people hours but that’s not what either of them are. Mildmay blinks himself awake but doesn’t bother to get out of bed. Felix can’t and doesn’t fight his own fights but that doesn’t mean he appreciates it when Mildmay runs to his aide unprompted.
Felix answers the door, sounding exhausted. Mildmay isn’t exactly listening in but he catches how Felix’s voice goes extra sweet in the way that means he’s really fucking pissed off. Mildmay sighs and rolls out of bed just in time for Felix to tap lightly on their shared wall three times—their mutual signal that Mildmay had better get his ass up and do something soon. It doesn't sound urgent so he at least stops to put on his pants first.
When he steps into the hallway, Felix’s client, middle aged but not half-bad looking, flinches like Mildmay drew his knife, which he hasn't yet. Felix is standing by the door; sleeves on but robe all the way open to hide nothing at all and hair flat on one side. At Mildmay’s approach he stumbles back to his vacated spot on the bed.
"Oh dear!" he says, exuding false cheer, even as he slurs his words just a little. The man probably doesn't notice but Mildmay knows how hard he's worked to make his vowels and consonants behave. "Looks like all your whining has woken my darling brother."
"Hey," Mildmay says to the guy, ignoring Felix for now. He's coherent and uninjured, he can get to him later. "You on your way out?"
"I was only—" the guys starts to say.
"Only? Only what? Clinging to me like a sea urchin?" Felix pulls his blankets up over his head. "Mildmay, if you please? It's much too early for all of this."
The client puts up more of a fight than he's expecting, trying to pull himself out of Mildmay's hold and calling Felix's name loud enough to wake half the building. Still he isn't very strong and a few hard shoves gets him headed for the stairs, even if he's whining the entire time about Felix's attitude. About being led on.
"He's a whore," Mildmay says at the door. "No such thing. Get lost."
The guy is spineless enough to let things go.
He grabs some water and fruit on his way back up, and shoots the barmaid a look. Eva gets it at least and just smiles at him ruefully.
Felix predictably is still in bed, and is making a solid effort at pretending to have fallen back asleep. Mildmay sits down beside him and yanks the blanket down.
"Horrid creature," Felix mumbles, which is hardly his worst.
Mildmay taps him under the eye. "Open."
"Go walk in front of a carriage."
"I got you some fruit."
"That’s a feeble attempt to bribe me." Felix squeezes his eyes shut tighter but asks, "what kind?"
"Uh," Mildmay tilts the bowl. "Some blueberries and strawberries and shit."
"And shit," Felix mumbles, annoyed. But he opens his eyes anyway. They look the same as normal, skew eyed but not blown wide from phoenix. He’s just still drunk from last night. "Happy?"
Mildmay passes him the bowl and then leans over him to open the window a crack. Not far since he knows Felix and the sun aren’t on the best of terms early in the morning, but enough to start airing out the room a bit. The smell of sex never stays gone long.
"You owe me a bath for disturbing my peace," Felix says, mouth full of honeydew.
"Didn't you bathe the other day?"
Felix gives him a disgusted, incredulous stare.
"Most everyone else makes do."
"Everyone else is accustomed to living like rats. If you want to decide how often it is appropriate to bathe, I'd consider spending a few evenings having strange men ejaculate inside you. Then I’ll hear your opinion."
"Sacred bleeding fuck, fine," he says, heading towards the door. "I'll get you your fucking bath."
“Thank you, darling,” Felix sing-songs after him.
*
The first words his brother ever says to him are, “are you dying of something?”
Last winter hadn’t been very kind to him. He’d been knocked out flat with the fever for nearly half of it, and just paying to have a roof over his head so he didn’t freeze to death in the street completely cleaned him out. As soon as his fever breaks and he has the energy to move he’s up looking for work.
The work he finds ends with him, still shivery and exhausted, fleeing a septad of Dogs like he doesn’t have a bum leg. He can’t keep up the chase for long. Slipping into the White Cat is just a necessity.
He’s hardly done more than take a seat by the bar and try to quietly get his breathing under control when Felix slides into the seat next to him and inquires about his health.
His accent is out of place but Mildmay is more focused on trying to will his leg to stop hurting so he doesn't bother answering and continues with his drink. No one comes through the doors and everyone else inside just looks like the regular working boys, girls, and their clients.
"I mean it," says Mildmay’s new companion, poking when he doesn’t get the reaction he wants, a trait Mildmay soon gets intimately familiar with. "You're deathly pale and limping. If you give one of the girls a rash the madam will be very upset with you. We really hate plagues around here."
"Not sick, and not interested," he mumbles, still staring straight ahead.
"Who said I was offering?" He sounds like he's laughing. "You're awfully presumptuous, aren't you?"
"Are you fucking—" Mildmay finally turns to stare at him. "You’re the one who—“
Mildmay pauses and gives the guy a second glance.
From the way he—Felix—is grinning that’s just the response he'd been hoping for when he sat down. He’s tall, red haired and deeply underdress in just a colorful robe and dark lacy sleeves up his arms, all of which Mildmay noticed when he sat down. The color of his hair strikes him now though, how dark and even it is. Much stranger are his eyes—one yellow and one blue. Mildmay only just resists the urge to make the ward against hexes at the sight.
"I’m the one that what?" he asks smiling and Mildmay scoffs, getting back to his drink. He has no idea what he'd just been saying.
"You're still wasting your time." He throws back his drink and looks over again. He's definitely being eyeballed. He admires the work ethic. But. "That a good dye job?"
"This?" The man twirls his curls around his fingers, looking absurdly pleased. He clearly got the question a lot. "I don't know, what do you think?"
Mildmay isn't exactly the squeamish type, so he doesn't so much as twitch when Felix throws his robe open. He does maintain eye contact for a few annoyed seconds before he looks down and sees a soft cock surrounded by curly dark red hair, the same color as the hair on his head.
"Huh," Mildmay says. "Never seen no one else with that hair color before."
At Felix's raised eyebrows he pulls off his hat, parting his hair. He hasn't gotten around to re-dyeing it yet after all the time he'd been sick and his roots are a bright, obnoxious red.
Felix’s eyes flit down to examine his face more closely, and then dart back up to his hair.
"Oh," Felix says, in a hollow sort of way, voice losing its sultry quality. He sits back, finally leaving Mildmay breathing room. He covers himself with a careless flick of the wrist. "That's a disappointment."
*
“The Emperor wants another bath?” Marion, one of the boys asks, sticking his head out of his room. Mildmay grunts, limping by him as he lugs the bucket upstairs. Kethe forbid Felix skip a few days. He had his ways and said more than once that he'd lived flash and was used to certain things. For all the good that's done him now.
He drags the tub over and fills it while Felix picks with clear disinterest at his breakfast. He's never seen Felix drunk enough to vomit but he tends not to favor food when he's hungover or coming down.
Felix almost never takes his sleeves off and only occasionally takes off his robe or shirt. He doesn't like clients seeing his scars, especially the ones who are into them, but it's downright dangerous for them to see his tattoos. Here, with just Mildmay for company, he's fully naked, sprawled inside the tub with his head leaned against the rim.
"Get my hair, would you?' Felix asks, holding the soap in his direction. Not a new request but an annoying one. Felix takes every opportunity to use him and Mildmay hasn't yet figured out how to deny him most of the stupid shit he asks for. Might be that he's more busted up inside than Felix. Though maybe not by much.
He scrubs Felix's hair with the soap.
"You're getting better at that," Felix says idly, eyes shut. "It hardly feels like you're trying to scratch my scalp off these days."
Mildmay grunts. Felix's hair has grown a lot since they met and now sits just above his shoulders which still isn’t long enough for his preference.
Felix lets out a happy sigh as Mildmay scratches around the back of his head. For all his fussiness he's in a good mood today which means that Mildmay is in a good mood too. It doesn't make sense that they've known each other less than a year and Mildmay already centers his world around the loony prostitute who uses him like a personal butler, but it's the way things shaped out and if Mildmay's honest he doesn't hate it. Life had gone sideways after he fucked up his leg and even if he was useless at the only two things he'd ever been good at, killing and stealing, at least he can keep his brother alive. That wasn't nothing.
The place gets properly busy in the evening, and Mildmay finds himself doing his usual thing which is standing in the corners of the room glowering while the whores work. Occasionally he likes to get in the middle of the card games happening at one of the tables but if he keeps his eyes off Felix for too long he starts to get antsy. Hellie, the madam, pays him wages as security which Mildmay accepts because only a fool turns away free money. If she wants him to scare away a trick or two with his face and his knife then there's nothing to it.
For the most part the atmosphere is cheery enough. Marion and Helga are working on a guy who's wearing so much jewelry that Mildmay's a little tempted to go for his pockets himself. He hopes they rob him blind.
An older guy has been talking to Felix for a while now. Felix has his back to him because, as he always insists, Mildmay's "moods" make it hard for him to focus on his work, but his posture looks loose and relaxed. He's leaning hard against the bar. Mildmay watches him gesture emphatically while he makes some point and then when he puts his arm back down to lean against it he nearly slips.
Shit.
That means it's Mildmay's turn.
The client is leaned in closer than he was a minute ago. Mildmay reminds himself that he doesn't know the situation as he moves in closer to get a hand on his brother's shoulder.
"Hey, you good?" he asks, turning Felix around.
Felix is maneuvered easily, loose-limbed as he is. Mildmay has to catch him by the other shoulder to keep him from falling over.
"Oh, there he is!" Felix exclaims, eyes heavy and pupils blown wide. "My baby brother, here to be my hero. Isn't he sweet?"
"You do this to him?"
The client raises his eyebrows in confusion. The general volume of the room probably isn't helping the guy catch Mildmay's accent. "Your hair...did you say this was your brother, Felix?”
"I did." Felix throws an arm around him and leans his head against Mildmay's. "Mettlesome little thing isn't he? Why don't you scowl at someone else, darling, you're scaring the money."
"Or don't," the man interjects, smiling at the two of them. "I've had sisters before but never brothers. I've always wondered what it would be like."
Felix makes a startled noise and then starts laughing, nearly falling over in his arms. "Really, well how about that? He's never had a pair of brothers before! Should we do him the honor?"
There's no real point in talking to Felix right now. Mildmay shifts him to lean against the bar and advances on the client. He may have trouble decoding his accent but the stare Mildmay levels at him is clear enough that the man fumbles back a few steps.
"Only joking of course. I would never ask—"
Mildmay cuts him off sharply with a knife at his chin. "How bout you fuck off? Don't come back either, I'm not interested in bastards stringing my brother out."
The man takes the threat with enough grace and stumbles out of the brothel.
"Now Mildmay," Felix says, clicking his tongue. He's nearly melting against the bar. "That wasn't very nice of you."
"Wasn't nice of him to slip you phoenix."
"He didn't."
"What?"
He bats at Mildmay's braid, swinging it around to his back. "He didn't. I didn't say he did, did I? You assumed."
Mildmay lets out a frustrated sigh. It doesn't make much difference in the end. He wasn't planning to let Felix get fucked like this.
He grabs Felix by the arm and leads him up towards the stairs. Felix is far too out of it for the usual argument they have in these situations, where Felix argues that he enjoys terrible sex much more this way and Mildmay says he doesn't want Felix letting himself be hurt because he's too messed up to call for help. Thank fuck they don't have to have that conversation again.
"Wonder how much we could've made," Felix mumbles, as Mildmay pushes him into his bedroom.
Mildmay grimaces. "I don't wanna hear that."
"Mm, a double act." He lays himself out on his bed, smiling. Unlike this morning his good mood is not at all infectious. "What a waste to make you janus. Even if you were in the business we could never serve the same clientele."
"Felix, stop talking."
Felix blinks at him like he's realized Mildmay's there for the first time. "I'm fine, you know. I don't need a babysitter."
"Don't buy that seeing as how you were trying to hook a trick when you can't stand straight."
"Good thing my job involves lying on my back then, huh?"
"That don't mean you—"
Felix lets out a frustrated shout. "Okay! Yes! Phoenix is bad! There's really no need for us to have this conversation again. Saints, you're far too dull to have an incestuous threesome with. I'd have to murder you first or you’d talk me soft."
"Why're you talking about this?!"
"Oh just leave already!"
"Fucking fuck. Bye then!” Mildmay snaps. He hurls the pillow from the foot of the bed at Felix's head and storms out.
The night's still early. Mildmay heads back down to keep doing his job and doesn't think about a single word Felix said. None of it.
*
Things with his new brother start off weird and they never really stop being weird.
After their awkward introduction, they mutually decide to drink while they sort things out. Once they're confirmed that they have the same mother, Felix picks out a table and drains several glasses of wine before he so much as says another word. Mildmay takes his brandy slower, seeing as he was just being chased by the Dogs and doesn't know anyone in this brothel. He lets himself sit silently and watch Felix drink.
While pouring himself another glass of wine Felix finally decides to give him another look. It doesn't have nearly the same leering undertone to it which is to be expected but maybe a touch of scorn, which isn’t new to Mildmay. He waggles a careless finger at Mildmay's face.
"How did that happen?"
"Knife."
"Okay," Felix says leadingly.
Mildmay looks around and then shrugs. "Fight with a knife."
"Fantastic." He rubs both hands over his face. Mildmay noted when he first looked at him that he seemed wrung out and tired but now he's forced to wonder what it means. How he's supposed to react to it. Felix has dark circles under his eyes and his hands have a faint tremble to them. And all that might be his business now.
Mildmay isn't doing much in the conversation, just staring at Felix and his mismatched eyes. He's got far too many questions and none of them come to mind.
"How old are you?" Felix asks, saving the conversation.
"I got three septads."
Felix frowns at that. "I suppose being stabbed in the face does tend to age one. I'm 27."
Mildmay nods. An older brother. Just considering it makes his brain rattle. "Uh. How come you talk like that?"
"Ah." Felix pauses to drain half his glass with a gulp. "I was mercilessly beaten by the man who purchased me from my keeper until I figured out how to get my words clear enough for his liking."
Mildmay nods again, just in case Felix hasn't yet figured out he's an idiot.
"I would accuse you of having better luck than me but you're a disfigured cripple wanted by the police, so who's to say? Perhaps it all evens out in the end. Are you anemer?"
"Yeah? Oh fuck, are you not?"
A slick little smirk appears at the corner of Felix's mouth. Mildmay hadn't paid much mind to the dark lace sleeves that Felix is wearing but he sure does now as Felix reaches for one and starts tugging it down.
Mildmay slaps a hand onto his to stop it.
"Kethe, Felix, don't just show those off in public." A second later the fact that he is grabbing a hocus by the arm registers and he whips his hand off, jerking backwards. Felix clearly gets a kick out of that.
"That's a stronger reaction than you had to me flashing my cock."
"One of them is expected in a whorehouse, ain't it?" he hisses. "You've really got hocus tattoos?"
"I do."
"You usually go around showing those to people? How the fuck'd you get em'?"
Felix at least leans in and keeps his voice low. He's tied his robe closed earlier but it's not doing a very good job of staying tied. If he were a woman Mildmay would be getting quite the view of his tits. He maybe still is.
"I got them the usual way and no, you're the first person I've attempted to show since I got here."
"The usual way. Then...you're a real one?"
Felix twirls both hands and bows his head graciously. "At your service."
"Fuck. Then what the fuck are you doing down here?"
The brief flash of humor drains out of Felix. He picks up his glass again, expression cold and guarded. Mildmay watches as he pours himself another glass and then runs a hand through his hair. It's only down to the back of his neck and Mildmay sees something angry pass over Felix as his hair slips through his fingers.
"We don't gotta talk about it," Mildmay mumbles.
"Yes," Felix says faintly, "probably for the best."
Mildmay can carry a conversation about as well as he can dance so he takes to his glass for a bit too. It's a long uncomfortable silence until Felix finally speaks again.
"I’ve heard of you, you know. Mildmay the Fox. You're quite famous. I imagine there are plenty of things you'd rather not tell me either.”
Mildmay tries not to grimace at that.
"All I'm saying is that I see no reason that our blood relationship would demand we dig into each other's lives where we aren't wanted."
Mildmay nods hesitantly.
"I've never had siblings before. The children I was raised with—well, I am not with them anymore. I see no need for us to force a bond to form between us. You seem perfectly...nice. Shall we say you'll come visit on holidays and leave it at that?'
"Yeah, I could do that," Mildmay says. "Don't really know nothin' about family neither."
A muscle in Felix's jaw twitches. "Either," he says, looking away.
"Either, what?"
"No, nothing. Forget it." Felix stands, surprisingly steady on his feet considering how drunk he clearly is. "Shoo now, little brother. I have men to seduce."
The relief that Mildmay feels at no longer being in the same room as a wizard—his wizard older brother, is immediate and intense. The disappointment is more unexpected.
*
Mildmay goes downstairs and does his job.
It's not an unusual night. It's loud and one of the drunk men breaks a couple plates when he swings a girl onto a table, but it's all in good fun and everyone pays what they owe for their time. Mildmay really prefers the nights when all he has to do is sit around glaring.
At the end of it Mildmay decides to go straight to bed and see about Felix in the morning. He breaks halfway through the door to his room and goes into Felix's room instead.
Felix is balled up on the bed, all the covers pulled tight around him like a cocoon. Mildmay puts a hand on the shape of his shoulder and feels him shivering.
"Don't touch me, Mildmay," he says, voice muffled by the blankets over his head. Mildmay lets go and shuffles around awkwardly until he's sitting on the floor, back against the mattress.
It really must've been a low dose for Felix to be coming down already. After a second though Mildmay grabs the blanket from his own bed and throws it over Felix's pile before returning to the floor. A clammy hand reaches out of the blanket nest to pull Mildmay's blanket in closer.
There's nothing comfortable about the floor but Felix definitely couldn’t handle it if he got on the bed too. The chair by his vanity is too far away.
Felix's breathing is even but much too loud for him to be asleep. Eventually the blankets part and Felix asks, "Are you still upset with me?"
Mildmay turns around. Felix's face is sweaty, pupil's still blown wide. "Yeah."
Felix stares at him. "What are you upset about?"
"Did you do stupider shit that I don't know about?"
"No, answer the question."
"I'm pissed at you for getting high and making dumb fuck decisions all the time."
"Not for joking about killing you and raping your corpse?"
"Think I don't know when you're just being a bitch to be a bitch? Sides' even with a bum leg I could kick your ass with my eyes closed."
Felix scoffs a little. It's getting late and things are quieting down. Felix must've opened the window earlier because there's a warm breeze coming in and the sound of crickets.
"You really shouldn't put up with me," Felix says quietly.
"Don't tell me what to do."
*
For a week after meeting Felix, Mildmay does the best he can not to think about the fact that he has a brother. It'd be easier if he had other jobs coming but he's still mostly laying low, which gives him a lot of spare time to think about the seven foot tall magic whore who apparently shares half his blood.
He means to stick to Felix's suggestion and only visit for important stuff but when he thinks about it too much it occurs to him that Felix doesn't know where he lives and would have no way of ever contacting him if he needed anything. Mildmay has spent his whole life being difficult to find whereas Felix is currently living in one specific place. He also doubts from his brother's flash talk and hocus shit that he has a real skill like tracking down a guy. Unless magic can do that. Fuck if he knows.
To preempt his brother potentially needing to get in touch with him, Mildmay goes back to the brothel. Felix seems, if anything, slightly annoyed to see him, and tells him that he's working and can't be assed to babysit him. Mildmay shrugs, gets a drink, and just sits in the corner.
A girl comes and joins him for a bit. Her name is Minerva and she's cute and pretty good at pretending she likes him. Mildmay thinks about going for it but this is where his brother lives and it seems shitty.
At his polite rejection, Minerva turns her head in the direction Mildmay has been staring. "Oh! That's Felix. Want me to get him?"
Mildmay shakes his head quickly. "No, uh..."
She squeezes his arm. "It's okay, he's really nice."
"He's—no. I'm Felix's brother."
Minerva's eyebrows shoot up. "Fuck, you're the one!" Her normal speaking voice is a bit higher and infinitely warmer. "I do see the resemblance. We've all been talking about you."
He really doesn't like the sound of that.
"Guess you know Felix isn't nice then."
"Yeah."
"Damn." She leans back in her chair with a grunt. "Don't envy you being related to all that. He's ten kinds of crazy. Nice to meet you though!"
From all the way across the room, Felix turns in their direction, like his ears are burning. This time Mildmay notices that his fingers don't have any of the rings that he'd need if he actually wanted to do magic. At this point he's more relieved than concerned about their absence.
Felix's weird eyes fall on him, looking mean and bothered. He's wearing an unbuttoned shirt in a loud purple today instead of his robe, and several small colorful hoops through his ears. Being a head taller than everyone else and an evil-eyed ginger he really didn't need to do anything extra to draw the eye but Mildmay gets the feeling he loves attention. Or maybe that he's made himself love it since he can't avoid it.
Against his will he wants to know which it is.
*
Like a moron, Mildmay fell asleep leaning against his brother's bed. He jolts awake a few hours later with his heart pounding and his hand around Felix’s ankle. There are people moving around downstairs and his leg makes it very clear that it hates his fucking guts for sleeping on the floor. He grits his teeth while he forces himself upright and damn near shouts the second he tries to put weight on it.
Felix at least doesn't wake up and he's able to shuffle back to his room at his slowest pace and dump himself into bed. Fuck.
The sky is going pink around then. He doesn't think he'll be able to fall asleep given the pain but he wakes up later so he must've passed out at some point. Not that he's much better.
The sound that woke him comes again, a loud groan from behind the wall. Mildmay rubs at his eyes. It's noon judging by the light which isn't that early for Felix to be taking a client given that he didn't earn anything that night. They're not going to get kicked out or anything, Felix is too much of a draw and they seem to like having Mildmay around to scare guys away, but Mildmay doesn't want to have to talk about it if they can't pay their rent.
Felix's client swears loudly and the familiar sound of a wet throat choking around a cock fills the room. It takes a lot to make Felix choke, he's danced around the subject but Mildmay knows he's been servicing guys for way, way longer than he should have. No chance that Mildmay will ever ask him specifics. The man must be packing a lot.
Mildmay hears a much louder curse and then the guy says, wait, wait, I changed my mind. How much is it to fuck you?
That sounds like Mildmay's cue to leave.
Or so he would like. Mildmay jolts his leg in the process of sitting up and reawakens every bit of pain he'd been too distracted to notice. He grabs his pillow and shoves it into his face as he lays back down, which does nothing to alleviate his pain.
Bad idea. He's not getting out of bed.
While Mildmay is trying not to scream his head off or suffocate himself, things apparently move on with Felix's client. He really isn't trying to make out the words but he can still hear Felix's bored, sultry voice saying, yes, that's it, put that fat cock inside me, and the bed creaking under their weight.
Mildmay tries to shove his pillow over his ears but he's been here before and it doesn't do much. There really isn't anything to do but either get up and leave, which he can't do, or lay there in take it. Which is exactly what Felix is doing.
As if he's heard the thought, Felix moans out in that way he's perfected. To his credit he's lowered the volume a lot since Mildmay moved in but it's still loud and clear. It doesn't sound as fake as usual which means the guy might have half an idea of what to do in bed. He wishes he couldn't tell what every moan out of Felix's mouth meant and he wishes he didn't have a pretty good idea of what got him off, but that's his life these days.
*
It takes a while for them to start seeing each other regularly.
The first couple times Felix mostly ignores him beyond a token greeting and farewell but the third time he shows up, Felix sighs loudly and comes over to sit with him for the rest of the night. No real preamble, he just drinks and bitches about his least favorite tricks. It's not exactly stuff he wants to hear but he thinks maybe he's passed some kind of Felix test so he doesn't complain and lets his older brother tell him about the men he fucks.
Things get both easier and harder after that.
Easier: Felix usually acknowledges him and often talks to him, as long as he isn't busy. Even if he insists Mildmay is a terrible conversation partner, which he is, he still babbles on about whatever he wants; bad gossip, worse clients, terrible books he's reading. He learns small things here and there that Felix doesn't tell him like that he is mostly blind in one eye, and from the feeling of his hands—that often find themselves on Mildmay's arm or his shoulder—he can tell he's never done hard labor. Mildmay hoards all of that, builds these blocks together as he tries to figure out who his brother is.
Sometimes that's a fun task, after all Felix is funny, charming and smarter than anyone he's ever met.
Harder: Felix is also a huge bitch.
Once Mildmay stops being a stranger Felix quits showing him any of the courtesy he'd been receiving. While drunk, high, or in a bad mood he'll swing at whatever's closest to him and increasingly these days that's Mildmay. He quickly loses track of the rude names he's called.
That's the worst of it but it isn't all.
"You really only come here to say hi to me?" Felix is saying, playing with the end of his braid. He's leaning hard on his elbow to keep himself upright and is giving him the warm inviting smile that he uses to get men into bed.
"What of it?" Mildmay shrugs, pretending he can’t feel Felix’s thigh nudging his own. Acting like he’s never been flirted with in his entire life.
Felix hums. "Nothing else?'
"Drinks are watered down."
"Yes, terribly. Do you like watching me work?"
There's no good way to answer that with Felix. If he doesn't he's a bigot or a coward, if he says almost anything else or if he stays silent, then that opens the door for Felix to say something like:
"Did you want a better look?"
"No."
"Don't be like that." Felix tugs on his hair but Mildmay doesn't budge. "I'm a real master at what I do. Sex is my only practical skill since magic is out of the equation and at this rate I'll have you convinced I'm a talentless hack."
"Fine with me."
"If it's the other men that's the issue I could always remove the middle man and demonstrate for you personally."
Mildmay lowers the beer he's been sipping at and finally turns to him. "You remember the part where we're brothers right? Siblings? Same mother?"
Felix to his disbelief hand waves that entire issue away. "I've known everyone here for longer than I've known you."
"Yeah," he says incredulously. "And you don't share none of their blood."
"Oh really, it's only a practical concern when there are children involved and last time I checked that wasn't a possibility. Not unless you're hiding a cunt in there." He drags his fingers down from his hair in a slow, clear path towards his crotch. Mildmay catches his hand and Felix returns to absently playing with his hair.
"I ain't."
"There you go then."
"I also aint molly."
"So they all say."
"Felix."
"You just visit every other day to watch me whore at the whorehouse with nothing but altruistic intent?"
"Would you ever come visit me?"
"Maybe. Why not?”
"’Cause you don’t leave this place. I’ve seen most everyone else leave the White Cat at least once, ‘cept for you. Whatever you’re hiding from must be worse than the Dogs. Seems easier for me to come to you."
Felix withdraws slowly, looking suddenly pale and sober. "I...what? Have you been watching me?"
He doesn't care for the way that sounds but it isn't wrong. He'd been casing Felix out like he'd been on the job. He shrugs. "Not you so much as the building but…yeah. But it’s not like—I mean. I got people I don’t wanna see too.”
"Right." The abrupt end of Felix flashing his charm at him makes the whole room feel less warm.
Mildmay clears his throat. "I don't care why you're hiding out. I come to see you 'cause I want to."
"Why the hell would you want that?" Felix looks genuinely confused at the prospect of anyone wanting him for anything but his body and it makes Mildmay's heart feel like it's trying to squeeze its way out of his ribs. He doesn't know how to explain that having Felix is like having an anchor for the first time since his leg went sour on him. Maybe even since he first left Keeper.
"Dunno," Mildmay says dismissively. "Just do.”
*
By dinner Mildmay is basically human again and can head down to do his fucking job. He really wishes Felix had one of the rooms downstairs but there's no way he's asking him to move, or even admitting that it might make his life a little easier. Fuck that.
While they eat the madam hands out letters. Most of the letters are from family members in other places or from admirers who have a favorite. Felix has a whole stack of them as usual. Even with his shitty attitude people can't help flocking to him. Mildmay would know.
Mildmay eats and watches to make sure Felix is doing the same. Phoenix tends to fuck his appetite up but he seems okay now. There's a good chance he sweated it all out that morning.
Mildmay is still keyed up from the long, long afternoon Felix spent sweating it out. He's told Felix more than once that he isn't molly and he wasn't lying about that, but sometimes that combination of creaking, groaning and the wet noises of flesh on flesh got the better of him, even when he knew it was just two men going at it. It's his brother so it's pretty fucked no matter what but he didn't even get hard this time, he was in too much pain, so he's hardly thinking about it.
While Mildmay drinks his tea, Felix goes through his own letters, looking as bored as ever. Sometimes the girls get him to read their letters aloud since some of them are like Mildmay and don't have much more than their letters, but today isn't one of those days. Mildmay's glad of that. He doesn't think Felix is in the mood.
The others are chatting among themselves for the most part. At his other side, Minerva leans in to ask, "is today a bad one?"
Mildmay grunts. "He'll get over it."
Minerva sighs. "Not him, you, fool. You're all pale and clammy like you get when you've been in pain all day."
Mildmay hates being fussed over and they all know it. Minerva doesn't back down from the look he casts her way. "I'm fine."
"Are you sure? I could always get you something."
"He said he's fine," Felix interrupts, not looking up from his letter. "Why don't you bother someone else, men don't like a nag.”
"Oh go fuck yourself, Felix."
"I don't have to, my dear. People actually pay to fuck me. A concept you're unfamiliar with judging by the last few days."
Mildmay coughs loudly into his fist.
"I'm surprised you remember how many men you've fucked, as strung out as you've been," Minerva says, glaring. "That's pretty impressive."
"Oh here we go," says one of the boys.
"Would you two shut up!" Hillie shouts from the other room, and several other people join in.
Mildmay slides down in his seat.
"I'd love to," says Felix, going chipper. He drops his letters and drapes his arm instead over the back of Mildmay's chair. "If perhaps someone would keep out of my business."
She scoffs. "How’s having a conversation with your brother, your business? Mildmay is his own man, ain’t he?"
"No he isn't," Felix says instantly, and with such bizarre certainty that Mildmay feels his entire face flush. He'd get up and leave but being sat between her and Felix there's too much attention on him for him to comfortably limp out of the room.
"Fuck, come on you two," Tula says, seated across from them. "Would you give it a rest Minny, you've already been over this. You can't bug Felix's boy without daddy's permission."
"Saints alive, please kill me," Mildmay mumbles.
"His grace always gets what he wants," says Minerva bitterly.
Felix pinches him on the cheek and goes back to his letters.
This scene, embarrassing as it is, is at least a normal one around here. Mildmay could stand to be made fun of if it meant Felix was back to normal. He was mean when he was strung out but his tongue wasn't nearly as sharp.
The rest of the meal is more normal. Everyone is pretty much done eating by the time Mildmay considers that he should've said something about being his own man, anything at all really to stand up to Felix in the eyes of the others.
*
He starts coming to visit a couple times a week. He can't seem to stay away.
Felix still passively flirts with him, sometimes when he's drunk or high, sometimes when he's completely sober. Mildmay gets used to brushing it off and doesn't really think about it after a certain point: who cared if Felix liked to play with his hair, or come in close when the two of them were speaking, or talk about what a good fuck he was. It didn't hurt anyone.
A few months into all of this, Mildmay comes to visit and finds that Felix isn't immediately available.
"He with a guy?" Mildmay asks, reasonably.
"No um, I think he's just having one of his days," Tula says tentatively. Both of them are standing and looking at the stairs. "Maybe next time you come by he'll feel like talking."
Mildmay nods uncomfortably. "Yeah. Okay."
He comes back a couple days later. Felix, apparently, still isn't available.
"Did you tell him it's just me?"
Tula grimaces, looking uncomfortable. "He said he didn't care."
"Alright. Which room is his?"
Felix's room is at the end of the hall, which Mildmay has never been to since he's never been upstairs. The girls only bring clients up here and Mildmay's never been one of those before so he's only seen the first floor. He doesn't bother knocking. He tries the door, finds it's locked, and picks it so fast he hardly has to slow down.
If Felix doesn't want to see him that's fine but he'll man up and say it to Mildmay's face. He can take it.
At least he thinks he can take it. He lived without Felix all these years, surely he can do it again.
"What are you doing?" Felix says, voice muffled from under his blankets. Mildmay can't see his face in the darkened bedroom. Rather than his tone being sharp or cruel like it often is, it lands somewhere around exhausted.
Mildmay deflates a little.
He really didn't want to try living without Felix.
"Visiting you." Mildmay shuffles in. Felix's room isn't so bad. It's full of books and cheap pieces of colorful jewelry displayed for easy perusal. His mirror could do with a polish. Mildmay picks up the empty pitcher of water on Felix's table. "Be back real quick."
Felix rolls over, as uninterested in him leaving as he was at his arrival. Mildmay is back in a few minutes with water and a tray of food. He shuts the door behind him.
"Eat this," he says, holding out a bowl of soup. It takes a minute for Felix to finally drag himself out from underneath his blankets and then sit back against his headboard. He takes the soup with no argument at all, expression tired but blank. His hair is unruly and unwashed around his head.
Felix eats without looking at him but doesn't finish his food. He accepts the water that Mildmay gives him as well, again silently and without complaint. When he's done he finally lifts lifeless eyes up to stare at him.
Mildmay doesn't know what to say and even if he did he wouldn't be able to say it right. Keeper always told him not to bother if he didn't want to make himself look like an idiot.
There's a little chair besides Felix's vanity that Mildmay settles himself down in. He takes a small piece of wood from his pocket, his knife, and starts quietly whittling. When he doesn't say anything else, Felix shuffles back down on the bed.
"You're a fool, you know," Felix says quietly, voice hoarse.
"Don't fucking care."
Felix pulls his blankets up over him and has nothing else to say to him.
Mildmay falls asleep like that later, leaned against the dresser with a half whittled cat by his head. He hears Felix get up because he's a light sleeper but in his grogginess all he thinks is how he recognizes the sound of Felix's footsteps and he's not a threat.
By the time he come awake it's dark out. Felix is gone.
*
The next day isn't so different from the last one but something is off with Felix.
"Don't be absurd," Felix says predictably, "there's nothing off with me. I'm not even drunk."
That much is true. Mildmay saw him slink off earlier with a client, probably to suck him off in the other room. He's sure as shit trying to act like nothing is wrong but he hasn't said anything unprompted all day. His last couple tricks had to seek him out.
Felix sits on the edge of his table and steals his brandy.
"Well, not yet at least," Felix says meaningfully. "Oh goodie, you've found an obnoxious new way to stare at me. What is it? Is my complexion half a shade too pale for you? Am I blinking too much for my sweet baby brother?"
"No I—"
"No? Then darling, what are you doing underfoot today?"
Mildmay continues to stare up at him, undeterred. "What's bothering you?"
"Nothings bothering me," Felix says with a smile.
"Uh-huh."
Felix rolls his eyes. "Gods, I miss my rings. I would really like to be able to disintegrate you when you're irritating me."
At this point, Mildmay happens to know Felix sold his hocus rings around the time he first made his way to the lower city from the Mirador. The first step in his fall, as Felix had put it, laughing and drunk off his ass.
They sit in silence for a while which is proof enough that something is wrong because Felix hates silence. Neither of them is crazy about living in a whorehouse, but he got the impression that Felix appreciates the noise.
Mildmay's unsure when Felix's current mood settled in. He was a bit odd the previous night now that he's thinking about it, distracted for sure. If he had to guess he'd say it was sometime after dinner.
Yes, that was it. When Felix was opening his letters.
Felix goes off and seemingly makes a point of grabbing himself a new client immediately, as if to personally prove to Mildmay that he's totally fine. That works in his books since he needs his brother distracted.
In person, Felix tends to run hot and cold with his clients but over letters he's nothing but cold. He reads them because he's full of himself and probably gets off on being adored by people he thinks he's better than, but he doesn't treat the affection like it's something he needs. He almost always tosses even the sweetest most heartfelt letters after he's read them and if he's asked if he received the letters he lies and says he treasures them but is self-conscious about his own spelling.
Point being that he doesn't give much of a shit about most of the people who give a shit about him.
He tosses his brother's room lightly, careful not to do anything that Felix will notice. He's not very observant but he'd notice something obvious out of place and he'd hate for Felix to think his brother is a crazy, fucked up snoop who can't respect his boundaries.
The letter—and there sure is a fucking letter—turns out to be under Felix's pillow which doesn't bode well. Mildmay can't read much obviously but he looks it over. The paper has a faint smell to it, some perfume that the writer must've worn, and the handwriting is thin and neat. Lots of big words that Mildmay doesn't waste his time trying to parse. He looks at the top and recognizes Felix's name, bookended by the words my love which is standard fair. At the bottom is a name. First name isn't too long. Mildmay makes himself memorize it before he folds the letter back up.
Downstairs, Felix is working over a different man, clearly making up for lost time. He catches Mildmay's eye briefly before turning back with his nose practically in the air.
"Hey," he says, sitting down next to Minerva. She brightens up at the sight of him. "How do you say this?"
Mildmay draws the name out in the condensation from her cup, one letter at a time.
She frowns at it. "Malkar, I think. Who's that?"
"Wish I knew," Mildmay says slowly. "Don't tell Felix."
*
Felix isn't in the bath, or anywhere upstairs. Downstairs Hillie confirms that she saw Felix leave earlier. The street is crowded on a warm night like this one but even still, Felix is taller than nearly everyone else and dresses like a fucking peacock. If he were anywhere nearby Mildmay would be able to see him.
"Fuck," Mildmay mutters. "Fuck, fuck."
He tries to calm himself down. There’s no point in freaking out, whatever Felix was planning on doing, he might not have done it yet, in which case he'd better find him first. But the street is packed, and as good as Mildmay is at tracking people he needs to at least have an idea of where he's going.
Mildmay rubs his knuckles into his eyes, trying to make himself think. If Felix didn't want to be found he'd go someplace where he'd assume Mildmay wouldn't find him. Somewhere near the Dogs maybe or just a place that he thinks Mildmay couldn't physically manage (think being the important word because he's fucking stubborn). Felix isn't physically strong so he wasn't scaling any rooftops. Speaking of which.
Mildmay pisses his leg off by climbing, awkwardly and haltingly, onto the roof of the White Cat. Like he figured, he can't see Felix in the crowds below. The buildings in this part of town are so close together that it's hardly even a hassle to move from one to the next, though his leg might disagree with him.
He makes it a few blocks like this, head cold and nerves locked securely away. He'll panic later, he tells himself, but now he's just got to find Felix. That's the entire litany that's playing in his head. Find Felix. Find Felix.
He does.
He spots a splash of red against the window of an abandoned church spire. Felix must’ve locked everything up behind him because Mildmay has to pick several locks just to get inside, and then another to get to the stairs. The stairs are steep and worn smoother with time and Mildmay thinks he's maybe never hated a building more in his entire life.
By the time he bangs open the door at the top of the stairs he's drenched with sweat and considering amputation as a reasonable option.
Felix flinches at the noise and has the decency to look startled. He's sitting on the ledge, legs dangling over the side into space.
When he recognizes Mildmay he gives an incredulous laugh. It's a touch too hysterical to be his normal mocking one.
"You've got to be kidding me," he says once his laughter dies down, face buried in one of his hands. "Mildmay, will you just—"
Felix doesn't get a chance to finish the thought. Mildmay drops his cane and gets an arm around Felix's throat, tumbling the both of them down onto the floor. Felix hisses when he lands on his back and then laughs again as Mildmay stares down at him, panting like a bull.
"Well done, you've caught me! Now what? Hold me down for all eternity? Ravage me right here?"
"Shut up, Felix."
“No, I should be so lucky.”
“Felix.”
"You know I've been down here for a year?" Felix says, cheerful as anything. "In the lower city? A year since he ruined me in front of Shannon, the court and everyone I knew and I had the sheer gall to just run back here to my former life like I'd never been a wizard at all."
"Who gives a shit?" Mildmay says through gritted teeth.
"Oh, astounding contribution as always, darling. I give a shit! This is my entire life we're talking about!”
He shoves at Mildmay, smile turning viscous.
"Not that you'd know a damn thing about purpose, or doing something of value."
It's not the meanest thing Felix has ever said. Mildmay takes it.
“I was the kind of person who you'd have been too scared to rob for fear that I’d melt your eyeballs out of your skull. Now men ask for discounts if I give them a blowjob and a fuck in the same night! I should've had the guts to kill myself back when he first threw me out of his—"
Mildmay slaps him hard across the face.
It isn’t gentle. Felix blinks a few times, clearly trying to reorient himself and then stares at him in shock. It's better than the darkly bitter humor he'd been sporting before. After all the shit Felix has put him through, the screams and the insults, Mildmay never even considered hitting him.
"Don't you fucking say that,” Mildmay says, voice shaking. His other hand is balled up into a fist in Felix's shirt.
Felix lays there silently.
Mildmay swallows around a lump in his throat. The world grows blurry. "You can't...you can't do that to me."
He's startled at the sight of his own tears hitting Felix's face. He hasn't cried in so long that it felt like he lost the ability. He's managing it now though.
Mildmay presses his face to his brother's chest, body trembling. "Please don't," he whispers.
Felix goes still under him before he sighs quietly. A large hand settles on the back of his head and Mildmay sobs like a child, clinging to him desperately.
Felix has very little to say about Mildmay moving into the place the next day.
*
Things stay strange between them for the rest of the week.
He wishes Felix would just tell him what was wrong instead of trying to trick him into thinking it was nothing. It's not like he was buying it after all. Felix might not be as stubborn as him but he's pretty damn close and if he doesn't want to talk about it it’s not like Mildmay has the fucking brains to convince him otherwise. Felix only ever does what he wants.
So it's been days and Mildmay is lying in bed one morning, hand on his dick because for fuck's sake it’s a whorehouse and his crazy brother doesn't want him to sleep with anyone, which okay fine weirdo, but he has to live with hearing the sounds of people fucking at all times of day and sometimes he really needs to do something about it.
It doesn't help that his room is at the end of the hall and the only wall he shares is with Felix.
Since he's by himself and isn't being paid for it, Mildmay keeps it quick and quiet, biting his hand and not thinking about much beyond getting off. It's not a new routine for him. He and his hand have been good friends since he moved in.
By the time Mildmay is cleaning himself off and splashing water on his face he can hear Felix up and about in his own room. It usually takes Felix an impressively long time to get dressed because he likes to spend hours figuring out if the colors work with his skin. This morning he can hear Felix rummaging through his drawers but not the quick slide and shut of Felix picking out a new shirt he inevitably won't wear.
It's quiet too. Like Felix is doing his best not to wake him.
Felix does not care about waking him.
In less than a minute Mildmay picks the lock and slides silently into Felix's room. Felix has his back turned. He's not dressed yet and there are a stack of his colorful flowing shirts in front of him but he's not getting dressed, he's packing his shirts into a bag.
"What're you doin'?" Mildmay asks quietly.
Felix jumps, turning to him in alarm. "Damn it, Mildmay!" he shouts, eyes more wild than usual. "Would you fall dead if you tried knocking for once in your life? What about the concept is hard to grasp? And for that matter, wasn't that door locked?"
Mildmay slides his picks back into his pocket and steps all the way in. He locks the door behind him. Felix had started packing with his jewelry, his vanity is nearly empty.
He looks up and meets Felix's stiff expression. Felix lashes out a lot, it's half their conversations, but he doesn't usually look so guilty while he's doing it.
"This about your new friend?" Mildmay asks, nodding to the folded up letter on Felix's bedside.
“I’ve told you a hundred times not to go through my things.”
"Malkar, right?"
Felix flinches at the name. "Look, Mildmay—"
"No, shut up," he says. Felix scrambles back from him when Mildmay approaches but Mildmay's head is spinning too fast for him to give a shit. "You were going to leave with one of your piece of shit clients? No goodbye, nothin'? Just hopping the first dick you could find out of here?”
"Oh please!" Felix groans. "You think I'd run off with some random tarquin who flashed a little money in my direction? I'm not a moron!"
"Yeah? If you didn't know you were being dumb how come you didn't tell me?"
Felix rolls his eyes. Mildmay can tell his heart isn't in it, that he's fucking nervous about this. Good. He should be. "Because I hate creating a scene. Well—you know what I mean. An unpleasant one, like this."
"Okay, fine," Mildmay says, setting his jaw. "Where are we going then?"
"You can't be serious."
"Fuck you, yes I can."
"Malkar is a fellow wizard, he won't need a bodyguard, or a thief, or a cripple to lace his boots for him. And that's if they did let random criminals wander the Mirador." The Mirador. So that's where he thought he was going. "And I don't plan to leave when I finally get back there so there'll be no stopping for tea and gossip in the lower city, darling."
"Felix," he grits out between his teeth. Felix stumbles back at the sudden movement towards him. He trips into the wall and Mildmay stops just in front of him fuming. "Either we both go or we both stay. That's the way it's going to be."
Felix rubs the bump on the back of his head. "I understand that you've grown attached to me over the past year—"
"Oh fuck you—"
"And that's very unfortunate! But I think we've had a good run and it's about time we call this farce to an end. Your services are no longer required."
Mildmay can feel himself breathing hard, anger and panic making his head hurt. "Don't fucking do that."
"What? I'm sorry, was it not obvious that I only kept you around to clean up after me?" Felix's smile is a cruel thing. "Could I have afforded real help I would've but you were the best option available."
"Will you fucking stop."
"No, I will not. It's already settled. Malkar is coming for me tonight, at which point you and I can go back to being only children. I for one am looking forward to it."
"Is this..." Mildmay trails off. He notices his grip on Felix's elbow is far too tight. It'll probably bruise. He can't make himself let go. "Is this because I—I wouldn't..."
Felix's eyebrows shoot up. "What was that? You know I can't understand you when you mumble."
Like a fool he says it again through gritted teeth. "Is this because I wouldn't fuck you?"
Felix lets out an ugly, startled laugh. "The ego! You think I'm that hard up for your cock?"
Mildmay knows he's blushing up to his roots. "That's it, ain’t it? I'm not enough for you."
"Fine, if you want to hear it so badly, yes." He leans in closer, curls tickling Mildmay's face. "Malkar has means, influence, and he wants me in a way that you never will. I never wanted to have a brother, I have done perfectly fine all these years without one. Maybe I'd have kept you around if you spread your legs for me but you have nothing to keep my attention otherwise."
Felix attempts to yank himself free but he doesn't let go. Mildmay watches him struggle and feels his thoughts go cold and angry.
"I'll kill him," he mumbles.
"Who, Malkar? Best of luck with that, baby brother. He's not just some thug you can scare away with your knife."
“Felix. I’m going to kill him.”
“Are you jealous? I’d have thought a year of listening to me get fucked daily would’ve trained you out of that.”
Felix looks up then and goes still at something he sees in Mildmay's face.
"Mildmay. He'll kill you faster than you can blink. He's a monster."
"Oh yeah?”
Felix grimaces. "Not—that’s irrelevant. He won't harm me."
"Bullshit."
"I know Malkar, I can handle him. You're anemer. You can't kill him."
"Yeah," Mildmay says, deadly serious. "I fucking can. It won’t be the first time I've killed a wizard."
Felix goes pale and still in his hand.
"Cerberus Cresset, the Witchfinder Extraordinary." Felix's eyes widen in recognition. "I slit his throat and dropped him in the Sim. Your kind are so sure of themselves they don't think someone would have the balls to come after them."
"That’s not true."
"It was just another job. Before I was your errand boy I was a killer, not just a thief. It wasn't even that hard," Mildmay continues. "I'm being serious, Felix. I'll fucking kill that man."
Felix is staring at him, looking conflicted and frightened. Slowly, he shakes his head. "Even if by some unholy miracle you were to kill him—which—which you won't, alright, but even if you did it that still wouldn't make things work between us. You can't give me what I want."
It’s weak and wavering. Mildmay knows when to press an advantage. “Wanna bet?”
Felix tenses like he's expecting a strike when Mildmay grabs him by the collar but he never learned to fend off an attacker, much less someone like Mildmay, and he doesn't do it now. His eyes are squeezed shut when Mildmay yanks him down into a biting kiss.
A shocked noise is swallowed between their lips. It's not a graceful kiss with Mildmay's scar being what it is but Mildmay can't care about that. He lets go to get his other hand on the back of Felix's neck, trying to coax him into it.
Felix darts back, banging against the bedside table, knocking over Malkar’s letter and the cat Mildmay whittled. His mismatched eyes are wide. Mildmay doesn't let him go. He doesn't intend to.
"You're not even—if you were attracted to me, I gave you every opportunity to show it! You're janus."
"So fucking what?"
Felix barks out a laugh. "It's a fairly good reason on its own! You have no idea what you're doing!"
Mildmay yanks him over to the bed and shoves him onto the edge. "So. Fucking. What. Keeper had me in her bed by my second septad. You think I'm scared of you?"
Felix's disbelieving smile grows. His voice is a sardonic rumble as he continues. “You're going to fuck me so that I'll stay with you?"
"Yeah." He deftly frees Felix's shirt from his pants, Felix offers up no resistance but only nominally helps as Mildmay pulls his shirt over his head.
"And what if I want to do things the other way? What if I want to fuck you?"
Mildmay pauses, holding his brother by the wrist. He meets his eyes, daring Felix to doubt him. From the way his smile falls he doesn't.
He tugs one of Felix's sleeves off and then the other, baring his tattoos. Felix swallows.
"That what you want?" he asks quietly. "You wanna fuck me?"
It's weird seeing Felix so affected when normally he can drop filthier without batting an eye. Mildmay doesn't think he's ever really seduced someone, he's not seductive, but from the way Felix looks he can guess he's on the right track.
"I haven't in…most of my clients prefer to be the active partner."
Mildmay nods. That tracks with the things he's unwillingly heard. He lets Felix stare at him while he pulls off his own shirt.
"Come on then," he says, leaning his good knee on the bed. "Give it to me, Felix. Come on and fuck me."
Something snaps in Felix and he finally takes hold of Mildmay by the hips. He jars Mildmay's leg when turning them over and getting him on his back but Mildmay doesn't say anything about it. The scant few lovers Mildmay has let himself have since his injury have always been overly concerned with Mildmay's leg and his comfort. He doesn't doubt that Felix cares for him but he's never been one to treat Mildmay with any fragility and he sure as fuck doesn't start now.
All he can see in Felix's expression is lust, desperate, heated and all for him. He always thought that when Felix flirted with him or spoke about fucking him it was because he'd say the same to any man who he was regularly around, or that he was at least in part, joking. But now Mildmay watches Felix tug frantically at the laces of his pants and realizes fuck he's actually hot for me.
Felix isn't very gentle getting his pants off and manages to jostle him again badly. Mildmay tries not to let on that he's in pain and Felix is clearly too aroused and freaked out to give a shit or remember to be easy with him. Something about that sends an unexpected rush through him. He isn't sure. He only just came but he thinks if he hadn't maybe he would've gotten a little hard just at how bad Felix clearly wants him.
"You're really not going to stop me?" Felix asks, voice unsteady. He's between Mildmay's legs now, still wearing his own pants but he isn't touching him. He's just staring like he can't believe he's experiencing something real. Mildmay thinks that's his job here.
"No."
"Saints." Felix lowers his head. His entire body is trembling faintly. "Mildmay, what is wrong with you?”
Mildmay reaches up to pull the ribbon free from his hair and Felix, predictably, lifts his head to stare as Mildmay tugs the braid free. Felix curls his fingers through his hair with a faintly agonized look.
"Don't know what's wrong with me," Mildmay admits, "but I know it's the same thing that's wrong with you."
Felix exhales with a harsh shudder and all of a sudden he's touching Mildmay, trying to get at every each of his skin. Mildmay has never considered himself much to look at but he lets Felix have his fill and doesn't flinch away from the touch of a large hand on his inner thigh and a skilled tongue in his mouth.
"I'll make it good," Felix gasps between kisses so filthy they Mildmay's toes curl. "I'll make you love it. I promise."
Mildmay doubts that but he doesn't much care to correct him. It doesn't matter how it feels for him.
Felix gets them out of the last of their clothes fast and with a faint shake to his hands that makes Mildmay a bit nervous himself. He looks amazed as he strokes Mildmay's chest, eyes bright in a way they rarely are like he's never seen a cock before.
"Stop starin'," Mildmay mumbles, embarrassed by Felix's bald-face awe. He's no virgin but he doesn't usually get anxiously fawned over.
"I’d say I’m sorry but I’m not,” Felix says, shuffling down the bed. Mildmay hardly has time to start feeling embarrassed about that before Felix gets his tongue on Mildmay's cock.
Mildmay twitches at first and then makes himself relax into the slow drag of Felix's talented tongue up the length of his cock. He nearly forgets how to breathe as Felix sinks down onto the still soft length. It's not just that it's good—and to be clear it's real fucking good—it’s Felix’s obvious enjoyment. He's moaning more than Mildmay is, and having heard every variation of Felix's fake moans he knows this one is real. That does something to him that he can't quite explain. Not something bad, even though that's what he thinks he should be feeling.
Ever the performer, Felix makes a show of flipping his hair out of his face and then getting his mouth back on him. Felix looks up at him: familiar blue-yellow eyes on his familiar face, and it's Mildmay who can't maintain eye contact. An amused sound rumbles across Felix's lips and Mildmay gasps at it.
When Felix pauses with the entire length of him in his mouth to flip his hair out of his face for a third time Mildmay remembers that his brother fucking hates the current length of his hair. Too short to tie up and too long to stay put. Felix once joked that he'd had it all cut off when he had been shipped off to the mad house but there'd been something frightening in his eyes that made Mildmay sure that he hadn't parted with whatever length he had on good terms.
Carefully, he brushes Felix's hair out of his face, holding it back and out of the way. Felix lifts himself off to stare at him but Mildmay keeps looking away.
"I uh," he starts. "Got off earlier. Might not be able to go again."
Felix hums, unperturbed, and strokes him through his spit. "I'm in no rush."
"You don't have to—you can just—"
Felix, the bastard, leans down and bites him on the thigh. Mildmay is damn well looking at him now and catches his pleased grin.
"I said, I'm in no rush."
Mildmay mumbles his ascent.
Felix gets comfortable between his legs and takes to his cock with determination. He's not too oversensitive at this point but his dick isn't in a hurry to respond. He's heard enough horror stories from Felix and the others about bad blowjobs and he keeps himself still, just holding carefully onto his hair and breathing heavy. Eventually Felix proves himself the consummate professional and Mildmay starts to get hard for him. His brother. A crazy thought.
Felix fetches his oil and presses a slicked up finger below Mildmay's balls. "You're really letting me do this," he says again in disbelief.
Mildmay swallows and nods. "I'd let you do anything to me," he says helplessly, too raw to be anything but honest.
"Fuck." Felix surges up to kiss him again and Mildmay feels clumsy and strange as he kisses him back. He gasps into Felix's mouth when a finger presses eagerly into him and Felix's tongue is stroking his in the next instant.
He doesn't usually like kissing, he gets too self-conscious about his scar and the way it must feel, but it doesn't look like Felix gives a shit. With his enthusiasm it feels like he means to do it forever but Milldmay can feel how hard he is against his thigh and another finger is slipping inside of him. He knows where this is going.
Around the time Mildmay gets a third finger he's hard, much harder than he expected to be. Janus or not his brother knows what he’s doing and his fingers are sending hot licks of pleasure through his body. Felix is attentive to his pleasure, more attentive than he almost ever is, switching from kissing, him to searching his face for signs of discomfort. As usual he likes his brother's attention too much.
Felix rolls him onto his side to avoid jostling his bad leg and the move makes him wonder if Felix has fantasized about fucking him before. It's a stupid thought, of course he has.
"You shouldn't," Felix says breathlessly behind him. He kisses Mildmay's shoulder and then the back of his neck.
"Mm?"
"You shouldn't give me free rein over you like this," he says. He kisses his ear and says quietly. "It isn't safe to put yourself into my hands. Tell me you'll let me do anything to you. I'll take you up on it. I'll devour you."
He turns to look at Felix, taking in his terror and his excitement. Felix has always been beautiful to him, it’s just a fact and not worth noting, but seeing him when he isn't performing is a unique kind of beautiful that belongs only to him.
“I’ll do worse to you.” He lays a hand on top of Felix’s on his hip. "I meant what I said. Come on."
Felix gives him one last lingering kiss, and then he's pressing himself to Mildmay's entrance.
It's what Mildmay expected, at least at first. It’s a lot and its tight, leaving a dull ache in his bones. But the pain doesn't last long and it becomes very apparent that when Felix said he wanted Mildmay to love it he was taking it very seriously.
Mildmay doesn't make a habit of being loud during sex, quite the opposite really, but a little fingering has taught Felix an awful lot about his body. His strokes are deep and rub that spot that makes fireworks light up his spine. He isn't able to keep composure for long before another thrust turns a gasp into a full blown moan.
He feels Felix shudder and move to draw those noises from him again. He clutches the sheets for something to hold onto and lets Felix hold him just the same. It so rarely feels like Felix is larger than him but with his brother wrapped up around him the sensation is glaring. Mildmay refuses to let himself shy away. He grasps Felix's arm against his chest and thrust back against him.
"W-wait, hold on," Felix groans. "You're going to make me come."
He almost makes a joke about how long Felix usually lasts but he can't quite manage to figure out speech on the best of days, and this sure isn't one of those.
"Here. Here, let me." He wraps a hand around Mildmay and he jumps. It's all better with a hand on his cock. The length inside of him and that spot that Felix keeps get at. Mildmay bucks into the fist around his cock before he can think about it.
"Is that good?" Felix asks, tugging him off faster. It's fast and tight like he likes it through not as tight as he usually goes for. Still Mildmay nods. "Okay, okay, good."
It's fast and it pulls Mildmay towards the edge faster than he would have thought. When he draws closer Felix loosens his grip, laying his hand on Mildmay's stomach.
Mildmay buries his face in one of Felix's pillows and groans. "Felix."
"I know, I’m sorry," Felix says, his voice soft and wavering. "It’s just. Do you—do you love me? Is that why you’re doing this? Do you love me?"
His face flushes hard.
Felix's hand sweeps up his body, sweet and reverent. He's still grinding his cock into Mildmay's body and making him shiver and gasp.
He kisses the side of his neck. "Tell me. Tell me?"
His fingers dig into Felix's arm.
"Course I do, you crazy bitch," he grits out. Felix is fucking him so hard he feels like he can't breathe, and he's never felt anything like it. He thinks Felix might not even need to keep tugging him off for him to come but thank fuck he's doing it anyway.
Felix groans in his ear, pleasure and frustration. "Not like that. Come on."
"Fuck," Mildmay says, face burning. "I love you, goddamn it. Y'know I do."
Felix's hand speeds up on his cock like it's a reward, suddenly just like he needs it and he's coming before he can stop himself, going vice tight around Felix's cock and shooting into his hand.
He thinks Felix swears at that. He buries his face in the back of Mildmay's neck as he fucks him slow and deep, pressing in tight as he comes too. The long helpless moan that comes out of him is real.
Felix catches his breath first but doesn't make a move to do anything about it. He stays wrapped around Mildmay with his cock gone soft inside him and his lips brushing the bare skin of his shoulder. Mildmay’s leg hurts like hell and his face is tingling.
Behind him Felix huffs and then brings his hand up to brush Mildmay’s cheek.
"What's so fucking funny?" Mildmay croaks.
"I do believe I fucked you sideways until you cried."
Mildmay scoffs and scrubs at his wet face. "Shut up. And move over, you're sweating all over me."
Felix obliges and pulls out, which is far from pleasant. They wind up with Mildmay on his back and Felix spooned a little towards him, limbs touching but not exactly cuddling.
"How do you feel?" Felix asks.
"Fine. Don't coddle me."
Felix raises his hands placatingly. "It's a fair question. I didn't only mean your leg. Or your ass."
"What'd you mean then?"
Felix brushes the sweaty hair off his forehead for him and then continues to stroke his hair a moment later. Uncharacteristically nervous Felix asks, "I only wanted to know if we're alright."
"Depends," Mildmay says. He grabs onto Felix's hand, holding it tightly. "You staying with me?"
"I don't remember putting that down in writing before we decided to have sex. Ouch." He tugs at the hand that Mildmay is squeezing. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Ouch. Stop trying to break my fingers, of course I'm staying with you."
Mildmay lets up. "Okay. Then we're good."
Felix casts a pointed glance over the two of them, their naked bodies and the places they touch. "You'll forgive me for being a little dubious of that."
"We're good," he says vehemently. "This is...this is a shit show. But it always is with us. We're good."
Felix stares at him and then with aching slowness gets up on his elbow. Mildmay watches as he slides in closer, hand on Mildmay's cheek. He's braced for it but he still feels his heart speed up in his chest when Felix kisses his forehead.
He lifts his head slowly and looks down at him. "I'll stay with you. Not because of the sex. Because you love me."
Mildmay feels his face go red again and is annoyed that Felix can see it this time. "Yeah."
"I very well might abuse that fact." He sounds a lot more happy about his manipulation that he did previously.
Mildmay shrugs. "Same old. Only thing you can't do is leave me."
"Alright." Felix's smile gentles. "I can't promise I'll be less...what I am. But I can promise you that."
Felix dozes off eventually with his head on Mildmay’s arm, face oddly serene. Mildmay lays silently under him, making plans to kill another wizard.