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“I think Tommy is in an abusive relationship.”
In the station kitchen, they all looked at him now. Forks in midair, mouth half opened with food peeked out of their lips.
Buck supposed he had some explaining to do. Quite a few, in fact. Months of time gap he hid all to himself, just him with his quivering heart.
No, not quite that far. Not far enough he had to tell them about the time he accidentally bumped into Tommy in a coffeeshop a few days after the lab explosion. Not that he had to explain how he had an inward battle with himself about calling Tommy for days at that point. If not for anything else, he should at least thank Tommy for saving his family, for risking his life and freedom so every one of the 118 could walk out of the lab alive.
And he definitely. Definitely . Didn’t want to tell them how gorgeous Tommy had looked that day in a simple Henley and worn-out jeans. His curls shined freely under the sunlight, and in a moment of panic-awe-love-hurt, he vomited out miles long of nonsense thanking and apologizing to Tommy at the same time and somehow ended the speech with, “can we be friends? Please be my friend because I can’t lose you.”
Which.
What the fuck?
How did he vomit out something that's 50% true and 100% stupid? It had become his trademark lately. No matter how grateful Buck was to Tommy, no matter how sorry he was for hurting the love of his life, he had and would never want to be just friends with Tommy.
But the vomit was out there now, oozing around his feet and the earth crumbled beneath him. Tommy had asked, with his eyebrows shot to his hairline, “You want to be friends?” Buck couldn’t make out the look on the older man’s face but it definitely didn’t say happy.
He nodded anyway. The verbal vomit had possessed him.
Tommy still didn’t look happy. He really wanted to make Tommy happy and that seemed to be the one thing he kept on failing. The older man had been licking and biting his lips, Buck knew something was eating the brave pilot inside.
Tommy had swallowed, hard , his eyes closed a long second before he nodded with a small smile, “Sure, Evan. I’d like that.”
And for months, Buck was falling. Not in a romantic way like the movies Tommy was obsessed with, but in a way like a dumb hiker tripping himself over a cliff and just, kept on falling.
"We have been. Ummm . Hanging out for the past couple of months?" Was what he chose to say, in a hushed tone like it's the gossip of the year to which, his teammates responded with various degrees of eyerolls, huffs, and astonishment that was 100% forced and delivered with 0% effort at pretense.
"Shocking." Hen deadpanned.
"Dear lord, never would I imagine to see this day." Chimney followed, his eyes were the windows of a still well.
"Yeah, I mean, you've been talking about this," Ravi gestured an air-quotation, "'friend of yours' for a few weeks now. It's always 'I'm going hiking with To- my friend', 'To- my friend is helping me with my car, he's so nice', 'To- this friend of mine has such a sweet tooth.' I don't know. This 'To- friend of yours' sure sounds awfully a lot like Tommy. Who would've known?" He's so sassy these days. The virus in the lab explosion might've mutated him into something evil. The polite mannerism from the outside was blown down, a part of him that's been held back was unlocked. The sarcastic monster now terrorized the 118 village. Buck thought Tommy would probably like hanging out with Ravi. The pilot, Ravi, and Hen could have a roast competition, or millions of them.
Even Bobby couldn't hide the unimpressed look on his face, and when Buck looked at him, the moral compass of this team, Bobby had tried to be tentative, though the honesty can be brutal too sometimes. "Sorry, son. But you haven't exactly been subtle about these things. And you look happier these days."
Buck blushed under Bobby's glaze. He lowered his head and let out an embarrassed laugh. He hadn't baked as much for the past month. After the awkward coffee shop incident, they started to meet. Again. Then again and again and again. First because there was a fire in a restaurant that 118 responded to, the owner later sent their signature craft beer that Buck knew Tommy would enjoy. So they met at Edd- his new house again.
It was familiar, a deja vu. It was awkward and brief. Buck had never seen Tommy so tense before. The older man didn't step into the house until he'd been given permission for the third time. Buck hated that he was the reason Tommy acted so nervously. He hated even more seeing Tommy had been all cautious around him, taking longer time to rethink every word before answering the smallest question.
Here was the man known to be confident, almost invincible. And here's his exboyfriend, the love of his love – a fragile shell over a haunted boy. When Tommy turned to the door, Buck was sure this would be the last time he'd see this man. That it was truly over. No encore. No hail mary. No happy ending for Evan Buckley.
Then Tommy paused, just as he was about to step through the threshold. Buck held his breath. The blue eyes were returned to him. Tommy still looked unsure, his lips red as if he's been chewing it before and the hem of his shirt wrinkled from where the pilot had gripped too tightly.
"Do you-" Tommy's voice cracked, he let out a frustrated huff, "This is ridiculous, we are still friends. Do you want to go on a hike with me? There's this hidden spot I know just outside of the city that will not disappoint."
"Yas!" Buck answered immediately. So fast that Tommy's last word was masked by his excited shout. He probably would say yes to anything at this point. He really ought to check himself, because Tommy's eyebrows flew up so high they practically yanked the pilot's jaw hanging open by force.
Friends would never get this thrilled by an invitation for a hike. That's what they were now, friends .
He coughed. In a normal, bro-like voice he said, "Yea, sure. I would love to. Because. You know. Friends."
Tommy chuckled, shoulders dropped slightly as tension was visibly lifted from him, Buck thought it was worth all his embarrassment.
"Are you still off on Thursday?" Tommy asked in a sure, confident way of someone who still remembered their ex's shift schedule even six months after the breakup. The said ex might've ghosted him after dragging him into domestic terrorism, not to mention the said ex might've also implied using him for meaningless sex.
Wow . That was a long sentence, Tommy might be a saint for still talking to him.
In the midst of self condemnation, Buck still managed to nod, more than a little awestruck, as his heart flustered and inconveniently reduced him to a shuttering fool.
Tommy had let out that gorgeous chuckle again. Craft beer on his shoulder, Tommy graced his famous finger-gun again at Buck, "Great, I will pick you up at 8. In the morning."
A hike led to a lazy afternoon on Tommy’s couch with a movie playing in the background and Tommy praising his cooking and baking next to his ear. A counter invitation followed soon after. They had dinner at Buck’s newly decorated, Eddie-free house, soon they settled into a routine of weekend hangouts, trivia nights, and occasionally free car repair. It just kept coming. Not that Buck was doing anything to slow down the invitations, he might’ve been spending time between calls searching for everything and anything that might interest Tommy online. He might be, without admitting it aloud, holding his breath every time he texted Tommy for a new hangout, or smiling groofily to his phone whenever he got a text from Tommy, or compulsively reading their text exchange over and over again-
Then reminded himself that no matter how often they talked to each other, how much it felt like they were still dating, they were, in fact, just friends now.
He had to be fine with that. No matter how much he wanted to be Tommy’s boyfriend again.
“You know, we kind of thought you two were already back together.” Chimney dragged his thoughts back to reality.
Buck sighed remorsely, “But we are not.” Because, gosh, did he want to date Tommy again. He slumped over the dining table, not a shred of fight left in his depressed body, “Haven’t you guys heard me? He’s dating someone else.”
“And this someone is abusive you said?” Bobby asked.
Hen followed, “How do you know Tommy’s dating? And why is this someone abusive?”
“The guy’s name is Briean.” Buck buried his face deeper into the table, his voice though muffled, couldn’t hide his disgust when he spit out this hideous, ridiculous name of a man who snatched his ex from him.
”That’s a name?” Chimney was astonished.
“Thank you!” Buck shouted. Without raising his head, Buck pointed a finger gun at his brother-in-law, or at least what his memory made him believe to be where Chimney was sitting. Which, might be, in fact, the gap between Chimney and Hen and both of them shared a look and shrank away from Buck’s pointing with an exaggerated grimace as if they could see the bad energy shooting out of his finger.
Buck said grudgingly, “It’s a stupid name. Totally untrustworthy. He’s probably into some weird cult.”
“That’s oddly specific. You know that how?” Ravi chimed in, uninterested.
“Because he told me that.” Buck answered, bearing great annoyance. It’s not a conversation he would like to rethink, though he couldn’t stop replaying the exchange in his head ever since it happened. At least 10 times in one night and another 5 times since he started his shift 3 hours ago. That said a lot about how much it bothered him. And also how qui-, not-busy his shift had been.
He was ambushed. Because Buck really thought they were heading to a better place, a future maybe they’d be ready to try again. He was going to ask, soon. He’s almost brave enough to ask. Which was his first mistake. He should’ve known guys like Tommy – funny, sweet, considerate, and so, so, so damn hot, a perfect 110 in anyone’s mind didn’t wait around for Buck to be ready to ask if they could maybe try again. Especially not after Buck had stupidly told Tommy he wanted to be friends.
The problem was Buck had never learned the lesson, despite watching what people he met in life, through calls and work, going through loss and regrets. He still waited. Still naively believed that, against all odds, he had more time.
It's no wonder he walked straight into the trap fate laid out for him. In a restaurant served the Italian dish Tommy once mentioned his deceased grandmother used to make for him that Buck had spent hours online to find. On a night that brought fresh air with a balmy breeze, stirring the patio awning into a soft rustle.
It was such a soothing night – nothing triggered even his faintest alarm. Not when Tommy sat across from him, bathed in the golden glow of the evening sun, as the older man smiled fondly at his tongue-tied joke.
There was hardly anyone else dining on the patio except them. When he called the restaurant for reservations, he booked the earliest slot with the intention to invite Tommy back to his house and maybe after a beer or two he would finally scoop up enough courage to show Tommy the champagne in his fridge, and maybe. Maybe . He could finally say what he meant to say.
The world was full of maybes, a better future that was never to come. In the realm of bland present, however, a fatal call came first. All he heard was yelling, an angry man with a deep, grunted voice shouting at the other end of the call. Buck could only make out a few words from the way the man rapidly firing his words out like a machine gun let loose. He heard “you better be back soon”, “I will rip your goddam…”, and something about “last warning”. Then the man hung up before Tommy could say anything. He could see how the older man was biting his lips nervously, how panic still lingered in those beautiful eyes even as Tommy smiled apologetically to him.
“Sorry about that. That was um…” Tommy could barely look at him. The unfinished sentence hung in the air, unclaimed and suspended.
Because what was there to say?
That was my new boyfriend that I feel bad telling you about?
Sorry I moved on, maybe we should stop seeing each other?
See what you did to me? I’m dating this horrible man because of you .
"-Yeah, I know." He said to stop his death train of thoughts, but the guilt and regret in him still surged up to his nose, spoiling the sweet air into tasteless bitterness.
Tommy stared at him. There's a strange look on the older man's face. His brows furrowed into a knot while the pilot paused to study him for a moment. "Lucy told you." He shook his head knowing.
"Yeah." Buck squeezed a smile onto his numbed face. Lucy didn't tell him shit.
The lines on his beautiful soften as Tommy relaxed into his seat, "His name is Briean," the bashful smile on Tommy's face really provoked the bitter-jealous-rage battling in Buck's heaving chest.
There was a time Tommy would see through his mask easily had he not been so immersed in his newfound happiness.
"I didn't mean to hide him from you. It's just he's not very good with people." The smile grew wider, Tommy seemed to be really happy about his ex finding out the existence of his new boyfriend. Briean was a stupid name and the guy sounded awful on the phone. It didn't seem like Tommy at all to be involved with a guy like that, so abrasive with an obvious tendency towards violence. Tommy could never be happy with a guy like that, and Buck couldn't wrap his head around the whole thing.
He tried, though, to be a respectful ex. Because that's what he was now – an ex. He asked carefully, "Are you happy?"
Tommy nodded, flashing a bright smile, stinging Buck's sorrowed eyes, "Yes. Very. He's really sweet, you will see when you get to know him."
And Buck. Really didn't want to know about this Briean at all. The guy wasn't right. He told his team just as much though no one believed him.
Not when Chim rolled his eyes with an exaggerated sigh contained hundreds of words of hidden disagreement that could only lead to one conviction – that Buck was a jealous, possessive ex-boyfriend. Which he could be, but that wasn't the point.
Not when Hen pushed back her chair and left the table with an unconvincing "This new guy sounded like tr-ou-able."
Even Bobby was not on his side, which might've hurt him the most. Because what did this mean if Bobby didn't even believe in him? "I'm not saying you're imagining it, kid. I think it's wonderful that you guys are talking again. And I've always admired your big heart." Bobby had tried to placate him, "But I also know Tommy well enough to trust his judgment. Maybe they had a fight and you just caught them at an unfortunate time?"
Buck hesitated under Bobby's encouraging smile for a moment and mumbled out an unwilling "maybe". He watched his captain stand up, pat him gently on his shoulder and leave the table.
It was only Ravi, the only one remaining seated on the table, toying absentmindedly with the one last piece of chicken breast on his plate as he asked, "Are you sure this Briean is really a new boyfriend?"
"What else can he be?" Buck was baffled.
Ravi shrugged. He swallowed the torn chicken breast slowly, like he was sucking the backstory of the chicken out of it, "I don't know." Ravi grabbed his plate and stood up, "Just doesn't sound like Tommy, that's all."
"Well, maybe you don't know him."Buck argued, to the back of Ravi's head, the younger man only shrugged.
Maddie said almost exactly the same thing. Which, no matter how he tried to swallow down the bile roused to his tongue, he couldn't help feeling betrayed.
It was supposed to be them against the world – an island against the raging sea. Now Maddie's world has broadened, grown into a continent with solid ground centered around her husband and daughter, and the little one that's soon to come.
Buck thought it was going to be him one day. He thought it was going to be Tommy. Because Tommy had always listened, no matter the absurdity of the cause, Tommy would have been on his side.
But no. Buck was still a lone island, a 52-hertz whale sending signals to a world that would never hear him.
"But this guy was yelling and threatening Tommy." He tried again, though his voice was weaker this time, his back slumping as Maddie sighed his name. For a brief moment, he shrank into the helpless seven-year-old he once was, flinching under his mother's disapproving gaze, unsure of what trouble he had brought upon himself.
"Hey," Maddie finally sat next to him, her warm hand settling over his as she gently took the kitchen magnet from his grasp – he'd been fiddling with it since he got here, and even he was kind of surprised it hadn't been rubbed to a glossy sheen by now. He couldn't look up, too stubborn to meet with Maddie's eyes.
"I am not saying you're wrong. You know I will always be on your side. I'm your big sister, we're always going to be on the same team, remember?" Maddie playfully nudged against him and he nodded wordlessly in return.
"Maybe you're right. Maybe Tommy was dating someone. Maybe this someone is bad news. But all you have is a phone call that you overheard. Bits and pieces of it, at best. Maybe they had a fight, or maybe it's entirely something else. I'm just saying, it's not the time to assume the worst yet." Maddie reasoned. She used to reason with him a lot when he was just a lost kid. She'd slow down the impulsive ideas screaming in his head and smooth the raging heartbeat drumming in his chest, and he was a better person because of her.
Maddie was never wrong, so there was no reason to doubt her this time. He nodded, not fully convinced, but calmer, and they moved on to his sister's new baby room ideas, the drawing Jee made for her brother.
Chimney came home soon after, dragged by the reincarnation of a screaming cannonball wearing his niece's body. He was surrounded by laughter, gentle teasing, and his comfort food. He was ok.
For about 28 hours.
In the midst of baking his way through his 48 off, the call came in when he was just about to put the spumoni in his over-stocked freezer.
It was Maddie, which was unusual considered they just talked yesterday, unless the baby came early? He dropped the plate on the counter immediately and answered.
"I think you might be right." Maddie didn't sound like she was in pain, but not entirely herself with this no-greeting, no-smalltalk, cut-to-the-chase attitude.
Buck was more than a little confused and still worried, "What? Are you ok?"
"Yeah, fine. I ran into Tommy today."
"What?" seemed to be all he could say.
"Tommy. 6 '2, great hair, cool pilot with a killer cleft Tommy? The one you've been having an on-and-off-and-off relationship with?"
"We're not in a-"
"-Fine, whatever. But I think you might be right about this boyfriend."
"What?" He repeated. Then panic spread a chilling numbness through his entire body as he thought about this dark shadow of a man hovering facelessly next to Tommy and his very pregnant sister. He shuttered, already tearing the apron off him as he searched for his key, " Wh- where are you? A-a-a-are you hurt? Has this Briean gone violent in front of you? Are you ok? Is- is Tommy ok?"
"I am okay."Maddie had said. Though Buck still slipped on his running shoes, not fully convinced. "Nothing happened. This Briean guy wasn't even here."
"And Tommy looked fine, I supposed." Yet, her voice lacked the usual confidence Maddie possessed.
"But…?" He probed.
"Well, it's just- I guess it started fine. I was a little surprised to run into him, but it's Costco, you run into like millions of people there. He was in a hurry, told me there's a grump at home, starving and about to throw the most chaotic tantrum the world's ever seen."
He choked down a bitter laugh. There was a time Tommy would tease him for being a brat. He had loved every second of not just being tolerated, but being spoiled and taken care of by Tommy.
There’s something vile taken over his already soured mood, something ugly and green. He had disliked this man replaced him to be the center of Tommy’s center before, now he hated this guy. He hated Briean before Maddie even finished her story. This guy just needed to go.
“I tried to hug him when we said goodbye, he flinched. Buck, I know that flinch. When I was with Doug, I avoided human contact at all costs because Doug didn't like it when I'm close with anyone, and I- I didn't want him to think I don't respect him."
"Because he'd hurt you." He whispered. His mouth moved, though his whole body seized in fear.
It didn't help when Maddie said "Yeah" on the phone, so brief yet so heavy.
This guy needed to go.
The day he found Maddie covered in blood with black eyes and bruises was the scariest day in his life. Sometimes he still dreamt about being too late, about finding Maddie lying motionlessly in the muddy snow, her blood stained the already grimy snow another shade of ominous. He dreamt about Doug standing next to her, Maddie's blood on the man’s hands and crazy shining in those hideous, dusty brown eyes.
It was something he never wanted to live through again.
"He seemed fine." Maddie added weakly.
"But so did you." He pointed out. The hollow comfort slipped from his shoulder weightlessly.
Maddie fell quiet. The unspeakable pain of ‘looking fine’, she had known all too well, and she breathed, long and tired, as she admitted, "Yeah. I did."
There was one of his worst nightmares haunting him in the waking hours. The afternoon sun peeking through the transom could no longer shield him. As his fear morphed into a new vision of Tommy, bruised and bleeding, lying helplessly in a faraway somewhere devoured inches by inches by a dark, faceless shadow.
Yeah. The guy had to go.
Things didn’t get drastically worse after. It didn’t get better either. Because no matter how worried and protective Buck felt for Tommy, he was just the ex, and the number one rule of being an ex is to butt out. Confessing to Tommy what he really thought about this new guy without a shred of proof would not paint him in a flattering light. Tommy probably would never talk to him afterwards which wasn’t something he could bear.
He could press for more information. For a private guy like Tommy, the pilot was always open to share more details about his new relationship with his ex.
Maybe it’s a sign that Tommy had truly moved on. Buck tried not to feel bitter about it, but every time he nodded politely as Tommy told him more about this new guy, a shrill voice in his head called him a fraud.
“Apparently this guy really likes to play frisbees, so they’ve been going to the park a lot.” He vented to his teammate in the engine and his teammate stared back at him like they were confused about this topic.
Probably because they didn’t really ask, he just had to share all the details he gathered from Tommy to someone.
He had the whole team’s attention. Not in a good way. If he had any self control he’d stop sharing the stories that didn’t really belong to him. But then again, if he had any control over his tongue, he wouldn’t be here, reiterating the stories about his Tommy with someone else.
“And this guy is really active. He doesn’t let Tommy sleep, waking up Tommy at night or early morning, just whenever he feels like it.”
“Eww, I didn’t need to know that.” Hen grimaced while Chimney glared at him warningly, “And neither should you, Buck. You’re the ex.”
Imagine how Buck had felt when Tommy had told him that. Under the harsh light of one of Tommy’s favorite restaurants, the fond smile and warm eyes he once adored was now a sharpened blade, stabbing dead center in his heart.
“I’m really glad you and Tommy are back to a place where you can share anything with each other.” Bobby said to him in the captain seat, which was the silver lining of the entire thing. No matter what, Tommy trusted him enough to share everything with him. Buck wasn’t going to fail this trust, he wasn’t going to fail Tommy again.
“And it sounds like Tommy is happy. So what's to worry about?” Bobby turned around and offered a reassuring smile.
Buck pulled the corners of lips up into something adjacent to a smile. It twitched, strained by the effort of holding such an unnatural shape.
The thing was, Buck had seen every reason to worry. What Tommy had told him didn't sit right with him.
It sounded to him like this new guy was using Tommy. He knew the type well enough – self-centered, didn’t take no for an answer. It sounded to him like the guy didn’t care about Tommy enough to respect his wishes. Tommy might be tired. Tommy might’ve even said no. But the guy didn’t care, he certainly wouldn’t care if Tommy got hurt on the job because he didn’t let Tommy rest enough.
It's a red light in any relationship – a controlling partner. He had responded to his fair share of domestic violence cases to know what came next. Doug was the same way. He remembered how Maddie dressed in long sleeves and long pants, even on the hottest summer day her shirts were buttoned to the collar.
Memories of Tommy in summer came flooding back to him. He remembered how he was almost drowned by the sudden burst of arousal every time he saw miles long of tanned skin and tone muscles exposed in front of him, chest hair peaking from the low cut tank top Tommy chose to flaunt in front of him. He routinely had those horny driven false heart attacks at least twice a day. Low-cut, short-sleeved shirts were all Tommy had worn that entire summer.
The day at the restaurant though, Tommy wore a long-sleeved button-down and the buttons were all the way up. He kept on staring, even when Tommy caught him staring and teasingly complained about being treated like a piece of meat.
And he might’ve, in a moment of total panicking, followed Tommy into the restroom, pinned the man into a bathroom stall, and.
Sort of.
Tore the prudent shirt open.
“Wha- Evan?” Tommy yelped. Though now to think of it, Tommy didn’t really struggle as much as he. Sort of. Craned his neck and leered into Tommy’s shirt.
To any laymen’s eyes, in a setting of an empty bathroom stall with two men tangled to each other, one of them half-naked. This would look like a textbook sexual harassment or, if both parties were willing – a quickie.
To the professional eyes, however, Buck was obviously just checking on Tommy’s well-being. How was he going to know if Tommy was hurt or bruised if he couldn’t see what’s under the shirt?
There was nothing but miles long of smooth skin and perfect tits under the shirt. Buck finally looked up and found Tommy blushed like a layman. Well. A laymaid.
“Ev- Evan .” Tommy gave him a gentle nudge, his body leaned meekly on the wall, twitching every time Buck’s breath hit his sensitive skin. A shade of pink rose up to Tommy chest, climbing on the pilot's long, trembling neck. Buck swallowed. Hard . He followed the trace like a hypnosed man, paused at Tommy’s chewed lips and finally halted at the blue eyes hiding behind the quivering eyelashes. He was suddenly aware of the position they were holding. How suggestive it must’ve looked. They had been in similar situations so many times. Tommy still looked at him like he was something precious, his hands still instinctively rested on top of Tommy’s hip and Tommy. Did not break out .
Buck leaned in closer. He wondered what else had stayed the same. If he were brave enough to take Tommy’s lips, would the pilot reject him? He searched in the eyes staring back at him, there’s only hope and anticipation wrapped in a fragile shell of fear. For a second, he thought he was looking into a mirror.
For a second, he thought to himself, his 52 hertz of calling was finally returned.
He opened his mouth and Tommy mirrored his move, like always the man didn’t miss a step. The air was cycling through them, smuggling molecules from one body into another. In this quiet secretive moment, they were just two teenagers sneaking away under the disguise of night.
Then there came thunder. An actual thunder as the restroom door was pushed open and slammed closed. They jostled to jump apart. Someone was at the urinal. A cold distance was shoved between again.
The moment was gone. The blush on Tommy’s cheek was gone. Tommy’s attention was gone. And the intruder was finally gone as well.
One by one, Tommy silently buttoned up his shirt, his glaze hid from Buck under the cover of his lids. “We shouldn’t have done that.” He said quietly, his hand shook uncontrollably.
“Yeah.” He took a small step back. Tommy was with someone else now.
“Evan, I-” Tommy took a shaky breath, voice cracked in pain, “I can’t. We have our ups and downs, and I know you don’t- We don’t want the same thing, but I can’t be just physical with you.”
“What? No.” Buck reached up; it pained to see Tommy startled to avoid his touch. He dropped his arm, his heart sank with it. "Tommy, please. That wasn't- I wasn't-"
Why couldn't he talk like a normal guy? Buck let out a frustrated sigh.
Tommy nodded, slowly. "Okay." The pilot's shoulders relaxed a little like he actually decoded his mambo jumbos.
Buttons up, flushes gone. All the vulnerabilities laid naked in front of him just a few minutes ago were hidden under Tommy's mask again. There's nothing left for them here, other than leaving. Buck could sense Tommy was waiting to take his lead like always. The pilot would follow him anywhere. And for once, Buck didn't want to rush.
"I'm sorry."He tried, but the weight had been sitting heavily on his chest for weeks, maybe months. It warped him into an exhausted man doing the heaviest lifting. "The other morning, in the kitchen. I shouldn't've said what I said-"
"-Evan."
"No, let me finish. I need to finish." He begged. His eyes had been seeing everything in pink, then in gray, for months. Now they finally saw an equally hurt, equally scared man in front of him, hiding behind a cool, mature facade so Buck wouldn't spot the twenty-year-old beneath it, on edge, ready to bolt at the first sign.
There's nowhere left to run now, and Buck took the shot. "The thing I said that morning, implying I didn't have feelings for you. That was cruel and untrue. What we had was never, never just sex." He looked deeply into Tommy's eyes, "I need you to know that. And I need you to believe me when I say you are one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Okay?"
Something in Tommy's eyes flickered; his Adam's apple bobbing visibly as he swallowed, hard which was just inappropriately sexy. He breathed out a long exhale, eyes reddened from rapid blinking, shimmering under the dim bathroom light. "Okay." He said quietly with a breathtaking smile.
Buck heard drumming in his ears, so loud it's vibrating in his chest violently. At any moment he might choke and die happily. He reached again, skin-starved this time. As always Tommy went to him without missing a beat.
But a beat was too long. Apparently when an entire table of guests disappeared from their table for too long, sometimes the restaurant sometimes cynically assumes it's a case of dine and dash. And their waiter was not overly joyous when he found both of them almost pressing against each other in a bathroom stall. Almost .
In fact, the waiter had rolled his eyes at them as he holstered himself up over the stall door, peering down at them jumping apart.
They scattered back to pay their bills. Under their waiter's scrutinizing glance, Tommy left a generous tip, blushing.
Buck was ok though. For someone who was just caught in an awkward position in an awkward place, he was, not to put too fine a point on it, quite smug.
He noticed the way their waiter's eyes lingered on Tommy from the moment they walked in. Yeah. Buck was fine.
He wasn't.
That was the last time he had seen Tommy. That was mid July and now it's the beginning of August. The pilot had been avoiding him on purpose after that night, canceling on him with vague reasons. It hurt. Tommy had rarely said no to him, he's not used to being turned down by the man three times in the past two weeks.
Something always came up and it's always about Briean, the new guy. This guy was upset when Buck invited Tommy for a movie night, not feeling well on their regular trivia night, having a bad day as Tommy was about to head out to meet Buck for brunch. The guy just seemed to be miserable all the time, and Buck was bitter, sour, so enraged he almost raced to confront the guy when he saw Tommy's new Instagram post featuring a backpack, a cliff, and two water bottles.
The guy was clearly bad news, moody, possessive, high maintenance, and potentially violent. The type of people had no business to be near Tommy.
"And he doesn't like chocolate!" He shouted at a truck full of uncaring teammates, "I baked brownie one time. Tommy's favorite. He was so happy when he first tasted it, practically moaning. You know how Tommy is with deserts. And then he told me he couldn't bring it home with him because Briean didn't eat chocolate. Like who doesn't like chocolate?"
"A dog." said Ravi.
"What?"
"A dog." Ravi repeated without looking up from his phone. His finger moving swiftly, tapping letters into a text message as he continued, "Likes to play frisbee, can't eat chocolate, highly energetic, and wakes you up in the early mornings and late nights? You're describing a dog."
"No." Buck frowned, "You're wrong. Tommy doesn't want dogs. It's too much work, he said."
"Ok." Ravi said nonchalantly, chuckling at a new message appearing on his screen.
He opened his mouth to say something more, then the truck halted to a full stop in front of a small single family house.
Right. The call. Time to get to work. His mouth snapped shut and his professional firefighter mode kicked in. They all stood up, one by one jumping off the truck.
Just as he was about to step out of the truck, he heard Chimney asking behind him, "Hey, do you think this Briean guy is living with Tommy?"
He jumped. Almost took a tumble. The gravity was suddenly too crashing for him to find balance. A small voice in the deep corner of his head asked, when was the last time you were in his house?
Not for a while. And that's why.
He found his worst nightmare walking out of the emergency room on a Tuesday afternoon, left arm wrapped in bandages all the way up to the shoulder. His body snapped into action, rushing to Tommy‘s side before Hen could finish asking where he's going.
"Tommy!" He had a vague idea that he might be screaming. The nurses and security guards next to him certainly weren't frowning at him for his friendliness. Not that anyone could tear him away from the man he loved. He'd fight. He'd fucking killing the person who did this Tommy.
"Wha- what happened? A-are you ok?" He shuttered, hands shaking, desperately wanted to touch, to assess Tommy's wellbeing with his own hands.
The pilot had looked stark pale in his maroon henley like he had lost a lot of blood. And Buck stared, at the henley with its left sleeve cut off, and a small dotted pattern round the cutting that looked a lot like blood.
Henley . Tommy wasn't even hurt on the job.
"Evan? What are you doing here?" Tommy tried to nudge his hands away, but Buck was already in panic, his breath came short and his hand only stopped trembling when he felt Tommy's warm skin under his palm and the steady heartbeat pulsing through it.
"A call." He gestured blindly to the 118 crew behind him. Staring at the scarlet on Tommy's shirt,his jaw tightened. "What happened? Was it Briean?"
"It was an accident, Briean didn't mean it. It was really just a heat of the moment thing, and I'm fine. Hey, look at me," Tommy gently lifted his chin, "I'm fine. I promise."
In the background, Chimney was calling on him to return; in his head, he was thinking of hundreds of ways of making this dark shadow of man disappear.
"Th-this isn't- Y-you are not- He's hurting you!" He screamed. He didn't care how people were staring. He's probably a red faced lunatic causing a scene. He didn't give a damn about how the security guard was stepping closer ready to intervene. If he wasn't in his gear, the guard probably would have asked him to leave.
He just gripped Tommy's wrist with all the desperation and heartbreak wailing inside of him, "Leave him! You've got to leave him. Tommy, this isn't ok." If he had looked, really looked closely at Tommy, he'd see the moment this whole conversation went wrong, but he was too panicked, too scared to even stop himself from talking. "Look, we can call Athena for help, Bobby is right there, I'm going to ask him to let me off early and I will go with you, ok?" He pulled, but he was pulling deadweight. Tommy wasn't moving, if anything, he was pulling away in shock like Buck had just slapped him.
"No." Tommy broke from his hold, red marks standing out on his pale wrist. The pilot took a step away from him like he's the one had been laying the hurt. "There's no way. I'm not leaving him."
"You'd let him hurt you?" Buck asked, stunned.
Tommy didn't say yes, but the pilot had purposely avoided his eyes and there was his answer. Someone was approaching behind him, boots stumped heavily on the cement toil. "You should go." Tommy said, but it was him who left first.
"We should go." Chimney watched with him for a second then pushed him gently towards the engine.
He stayed quiet the entire ride, acting like he didn't see the worried glances shared between Hen and Chim. Before the engine was even parked, he rushed to the shower and nobody followed him. Which. Good. He didn't feel like talking anyway. Striped, showered himself in scaling hot water, dressed in his street clothes when he's half wet, and he had been panting at his reflection on the steamy mirror ever since.
Only he couldn't see himself in the mirror. All he saw was flashes of Maddie lying in a pool of blood interchanging with Tommy covered in bruises and bondages.
It charged at him, changing so rapidly that he almost choked when he started seeing Tommy collapsed into the blood soaked snow.
He pulled out his phone shakingly and sent the message: Remember that trainer you sort of stalked?
Her husband was beating her.
Maddie replied instantly, like she was expecting him, like someone had already told her about him, maybe someone couldn't get him to talk and knew Maddie could.
- Did you ever regret helping her? He asked, wondering years later if Maddie still believed the intervention was the right thing to do. If there was a better way.
She didn't ask for help. Maddie wrote back. Not an answer, but not a no either.
- No, she didn't.
He paused to think for a second and added: But you don't regret it.
The reply came faster than he expected, like there's nothing to overthink about. But now she knows she has options.
Yeah. That. He sucked a breath. Something settled in his chest. He needed to let Tommy know he had him as an option. To be his friend, his boyfriend again, anything. Buck was just going to be there.
Would Tommy still want him as an option? Rejection still terrified him, especially if Tommy's the one rejecting. The timing was never right, he never picked the right words, and after what just happened, the possibility of showing up at Tommy's door, only to be shut out, scared him shitless.
There was a time he believed he was fearless, but that time belonged to a boy who knew nothing about love. With love came fear. It made you doubt, made you hate, turned you into an indecisive mess. It developed a new version out of your old body, until one day, you looked into the mirror and saw something naked, uglier, smaller, smiling back. And sometimes, you're ok with that.
Other times, it made you want to hide.
He pushed himself up. When he walked out of the bathroom, Bobby was already waiting on the changing room's bench.
“Remember when I told you Tommy was good for you?” The captain motioned him to sit down. He scooted closer, something he never got to do with his own father.
He murmured, "You said because I didn't have to talk about him with you."
"No, you didn't. And it's not just me, you didn't need to talk to anybody. For you, that's very unusual," he gave him a reassuring smile, "I mean it in a nice way. In all your past relationships, you overthink, and you panic. You were so sure of yourself when you were with Tommy. At first I thought it was because you found your right person and everything just fell into place.
"But it wasn't just that, right? For the first time, you were not a follower, you were in control and Tommy would let you lead him anywhere. Even domestic terrorism, apparently." Buck ducked his head at Bobby's teasing glance, a shy chuckle escaped him. Then Bobby turned to look at him, he had this look on his face Buck only saw when they were about to talk about something serious, and Buck was already holding his breath.
"Which is why I have to ask. Abby, Taylor, you all had chased after them at one point or another. You even followed Taylor all the way to another state. So why didn't you chase this time?"
Buck sucked a breath. You couldn't suck a breath when you were already holding the carbon-dioxy bursting in you, so he was coughing, the back of his throat itched and pained as his heartbeat raced in his chest.
The truth was he had been asking himself the same question for a while now. The closest he had got was something he learnt from a documentary about birds. They learnt to fly by jumping off the cliff so their instincts would kick. But then if a bird were captured and cared for by humans, sometimes it might never learn to fly again. Even if the wound was healed, some of them never tried to reclaim something that’s natural to them.
Being with Tommy sometimes felt like flying. Being with Tommy had felt natural to him. He was freed and everything went easily. Then the hurt came, bursting the bubble from cloud night and Buck remembered, he was just a human. His instinct wasn't to fly. Everything that was so granted no longer came natural to him.
The truth was, maybe he never had to chase in his relationship with Tommy, and maybe he’s scared of the chasing.
He said that much to Bobby. It was Bobby. If he had to confess to anyone, it'd be the rock in his life which had always been Bobby.
Though he couldn't dare to look. Words that came out of him sounded cowardly even to himself. He knew he could never disappoint the man, nothing he'd said would make Bobby think of him any less. But the frowning was still a killer and Buck couldn't help but shrunk a little.
"You know, at a certain point in a relationship, we all had to do some chasing." His head shot up, there's nothing but kind eyes and warm smile waiting for him. "Chimney almost quit his job to search for Maddie; Eddie initially moved here to save his marriage, now he moved back for his family. Athena looked after me when I had my breakdowns and I didn’t let her dwell in her traumas. Sometimes you just have to take the leap. You took the leap many times before, why not for Tommy?"
"I was afraid." He confessed quietly in the most religious manner. Not asking for forgiveness, but maybe for Bobby's blessing, "He left, I think I have kinda been waiting for him to leave. No one has ever stayed. Not Abby, not Taylor, not Natalie, and Tommy was. Everything . And I wasn't enough, I don't think I was ever enough for anyone. So I thought, of course he left. Of course he's not gonna settle for someone like me.
"But then he came back, it got messy, but I still felt hopeful. I thought if I can get better, then maybe-
"I thought I had time. Then I don't."
It still sounded like a child's excuse at the end. Words tangled to each other in the back of his throat, ashamed to be hushed out. He's doing that nervous tick – picking on his nails until they bleed. Bobby reached out, covering his hand to still it.
"Time can be deceptive." His captain said understandingly. Sometimes Buck thought the man ought to be a priest. "You know what I regret when I was trapped in the lab?"
Buck shook his head, the image of his entire team locked in that death trap still haunted him in his dreams sometimes.
"I regretted not kissing Athena goodbye that morning, not spending more time with her." Bobby squeezed his hand, there's something warm and loving in his eyes that caught Buck's breath – something he'd never gotten from his real father. "And I regretted not telling you that I love you, son. Watching you grow, for all these years, I couldn't have been prouder."
"I-" He opened his mouth, a sob came out. He remembered when Bobby told him to listen to Athena and leave. He was so confused. To go where? His entire family was there. If they were gone, where did it leave him? Who was him if not a firefighter of 118? He swallowed down the expired fear, "I don't know what I'd do if you were gone."
Bobby said surely, "I know you'll be okay."
"Becuase I've met the right person?" He tilted his head in confusion which only pulled a chuckle out of his captain.
"No. Because you're you, son. You are brave, bright, kind with a heart of gold. You never give up and for that people around you try a little harder. You are enough. Perfectly enough." Bobby patted on his hand in encouragement.
He looked down. Bobby's hand was still warm, but not as big as he remembered seven years ago. When they sat next to each other like this, Bobby had somehow grown smaller from his memory. Or maybe he had been sitting up straighter, prouder when Bobby had finally settled into something more relaxing.
It's nice being able to lean on a father like this, outgrow him, and maybe one day they'd sit on a bench with his kid and his partner. The four of them would line up like a reverse wifi signal. Well. A slight disfigured wifi signal. Tommy and him were the same height.
"Can I-" He snuffled, he's not the type to hide the evidence of crying, but under Bobby's gentle gaze, he still felt the need to duck his head in shyness.
"Athena is going to meet you at Tommy's house in an hour. Please don't make her arrest you."
He rolled his eyes. It was something he didn't often do at his cold childhood home, too afraid of the disapproving frowns designated to him. That lonely kid was free now. He shot a faux salute and sprinted out of the station.
"Ok, pop. I love you too."
There's a monster in Tommy’s house, glaring eyes, hair standing on the back of his neck, teeth gleaming in cold silver. He threw a threatening, throaty growl at him, paws digging into Tommy’s wooden floor, ready to charge on command.
Yeah. Paws . Because it’s a fucking dog.
Ravi was right. He had left work early and broke some minor traffic law to what? Demand Tommy to surrender his abusive dog?
He’s got the entire speech prepared on the drive here. My police Sargent mom is gonna be here soon. If you ever lay a finger on Tommy, I will make sure you don’t ever get out of jail .
Athena wasn’t here yet. So he knocked and barged in the moment Tommy opened the door, didn’t even greet, didn’t even wait for an invitation, just rushed in.
“You can hate me all you want, but I’m not gonna let him hurt you again.” That’s pretty much how far he got before his voice died down in the hallway, in front of this snarling beast of Tommy’s new boo, all 70 pounds of it.
"You have a dog." He said as watched Tommy rush to calm the flurry monster.
The dog let out a whine, he's still glaring at Buck like a dangerous intruder that he was, and he leaned on Tommy like Buck had already done something harmful. That's an evil dog. Buck had instantly recognized the destruction this dog could bring. To him.
Tommy squatted down and gave the dog a big kiss on his forehead. A small shot of jealousy ignited in Buck. "Yeah, didn't Lucy tell you?" Tommy kept on petting the dog, not a single ounce of attention was spared on Buck. He swore he saw the dog smirking, mouth opened wide, tongue licked on Tommy's finger.
Yeah. The dog was still kind of evil.
"So you don't have an abusive boyfriend." He should be relieved, if the embarrassment hadn't chased his dignity out of his human form.
“I’m sorry what?” Tommy tilted his head, his face twisted into an exclamation mark with a set of confused eyebrows. And the dog. Had the nerve to stick his tongue out, panting stupidly happy as Tommy’s fingers brushed through his coat.
"You were hurt." Buck clung desperately to the already thin evidence.
"Yeah, like I said. It was an accident. We were playing, Briean got excited and bit me too hard, that's all."
"Bri- Tommy !" He exclaimed, "I thought you were hurt! I got so worried, Bobby called Athena to check on you. I was gonna- I don't know- barge in, throw my gloves at him and demand him for a duel." He pointed an angry finger at the dog, then at Tommy – the man had the nerve to laugh, to look so beautiful that Buck had caught his breath, so mesmerizing he almost forgot to be mad at this villain of his humiliating story. "Why are you giving a dog human's name? Why can't you call him fluffy or meatball, or Sir Barks-a-lot or something?"
"It's short for 'brings ruins into every area nearby'. He does that a lot." Tommy said matter-of-factly.
An abbreviation.
Because that's how pets were named. Like some secret projects that's conspired to drive Buck nuts.
That's the man Buck was in love with – ridiculously adorable and totally stupid. He sighed wearily. "Tommy, that's how psychopaths name their pets."
"Hey now! Briean happens to like the name." Tommy was offended, he picked up the 70 pound beast, the dog gave him the toughest glare followed by the proudest woof in agreement."See, it's a great name."
Buck just rolled his eyes at the man.
Then Tommy crooked his head, attention caught by something else. He asked, "Wait, did you say Athena is coming?"
And Buck froze at the mention of Athena.
"To my house?" Tommy kept on going, "To arrest my not even a year old puppy?" Dread pounded on him in every word.
"Tommy!" He cried, turned to the door, ready to bolt. "Oh my god, I'm so dead. I told her you got yourself into some serious domestic violence shit!" He was plastered to the door, sneaking fugitive peeks out the side window. In any minute doomsday would arrive.
Tommy chuckled. Why was this man laughing at his misery? Had he no heart? "Why would you say that?" The pilot dared to ask.
He shot an unimpressed look at Tommy, and the dog remained comfortably in Tommy's arms, "What do you think? The time at the restaurant, I heard yelling from your phone. I thought you were dating someone with anger issues. And now you're covered in bandages. What else am I going to think?"
Tommy nodded with a silent 'ah', "Sal is a hothead. That's who you heard on the phone. He was having a difficult time with his wife and needed a place to cool his head. He didn't know about Briean and this softie here didn't like strangers." He put the dog down and Briean curled up contently by his feet. His paws, though, reached subtly at Buck, and Buck was sure if he tried to get any closer to Tommy, the dog would claw him.
Yeah. Softie. The dog was cute, but bad news nevertheless.
"And Maddie said you flinched when she tried to hug you like a domestic violence victim." Something drove past the house, and Buck kinda dodged to avoid being seen.
"Briean is pretty sensitive to smells, unfamiliar scent sometimes makes him anxious. I started taking showers at the station after I got him." Tommy moved closer, Briean jumped to his feet and followed closely, "Hey," the pilot took his wrist, he looked into Tommy's eyes – blue, warm, and something smothering in the gentliest way. "Thank you. For looking after me. You're a good friend, Evan."
Heat climbed on his face; he stared down at their jointed hand, moved to intertwine their fingers together. They fit seamlessly. Not too crowded, not too loose, just enough. Tommy didn't break his hold and suddenly he felt enough. "Not a friend. Never wanted to be just friends with you." He held on tighter, Tommy wasn't resisting. "Just a sorry ex-boyfriend still madly in love with you."
He did it. That was the first time he said those words and somehow they came naturally to his mouth.
" Evan. " Tommy choked up, his steady hand trembling and Buck didn't try to shield the man from being vulnerable.
They could all use some unfiltered honesty right now.
"And I really am sorry, you know. For not telling you that I love you before I asked you to move in. For not seeing you, and then hurting you when you were trying to show your insecurities. Then for not calling you and called you for the wrong reason, then-"
"-Evan." A kiss landed softly on his knuckles and his voice died down instantly, "It's ok. I love you too."
He gaped at this beautiful man kissing his hand in tears. "Ok. Good." was all his brain managed to muster.
He was bad with words when it came to Tommy. But Tommy was smiling at him fondly, so maybe that's ok, too.
Tommy inched closer, practically plastered himself against Buck. His voice dropped frivolously lower and his eyes lingered on Buck's lips, "So. How does this ex of mine feel about cuddling on my couch with me and my new angry, dangerous boyfriend? I could use some protection."
Buck hummed, hypnotized by the way Tommy batted his eyelashes, his heart tickled.
"We could continue our conversation there." Tommy pressed, a thigh between between his legs. That definitely didn't feel like talking to him. Buck was completely ok with it.
"I um- i think I might need a kiss for good luck." He said, and Tommy's soft lips were on his in a second.
If their life were a movie, this was where it faded out. But a few blocks from their lovely little nest, a patrol car was waiting for the light.
Ravi 8/2 Sat 3:41pm
Hey Tommy, just wondering by any chance you've recently got a dog?
Tommy 8/2 Sat 3:43pm
Yeah, a 8 months old golden retriever. Why?
Ravi 8/2 Sat 3:44pm
Great. Buck couldn’t shut up about the dog, you should tell him more.