Chapter Text
"What's with you today?" Doppo Kunikida asks his suicidal roommate, Osamu Dazai. The latter, who is sprawled on the floor like deflated starfish, mumbles incoherently. "What was that?" Kunikida asks impatiently.
"The snail's getting married!" Dazai says with exaggerated bewilderment. "He invited me, can you believe that?!"
"No, I cannot imagine anyone wanting to invite a waste of bandages like you." Kunikida mutters with a tone of slight amusement.
"You wound me, Ku-ni-ki-da!" Dazai gasps and lifts his head slightly enough to look at Kunikida, his shock and hurt obviously being heightened for the purpose of eliciting some sort of reaction out of his easily irritable roommate.
"And here, I thought you liked me!" He puts his hand on his chest, looking like a kicked puppy.
"And why does the news of Chuuya's marriage bother you so much?" Kunikida asks, swiftly changing the topic.
"Because! He got married before I did! Me!" Dazai huffs. "And here, I believed I would have successfully committed a romantic double suicide with a beautiful woman by my side long before I got to see the day Chibi settling down." He swoons, putting his hand on his head like a damsel in distress.
That reason is obviously bullshit but with how easily and convincingly Dazai said it, it sounds believable.
"...And? What's the issue here?" Kunikida raises his eyebrow, pushing his glasses up slightly and choosing to overlook the bleak statement, he's gotten used to his tangents on suicide and the best ways to do it. "Look, I don't have time to deal with your shenanigans. Go whine about it to someone else." He says wearily, making a shooing motion with his left hand as he opens the door of their shared bedroom with his right.
But Dazai does not heed Kunikida's words, and instead goes with Kunikida, complaining and whining to the man about how "the woman must've had terrible taste if she decided to settle for the hatrack" and that he is “clearly the better option of the two.” Dazai ends up complaining for a good two hours before Kunikida finally snaps and shoves Dazai out of their room to work.
"If you really don't want to go, just tell him!" He tells Dazai while pushing him out. "Complaining about it won't do anything!"
And with that, he shuts the door and locks it from the inside to prevent the brunet from coming in. Dazai stands outside the room for a good while with a blank expression, all bravado now vanished.
Truthfully, Dazai does not want to go to the wedding for another reason: He is in love with Chuuya. Hopelessly in love, so hopelessly that one won't even believe it.
Osamu Dazai is well known among his friend circle for his endless conquests and fleeting romances. Kunikida is a victim to the few times Dazai's ended up taking one of his dates back home with him and he just so happened to come home early from work.
And yet, at some point, he ends up falling in love with his work rival and frenemy, Chuuya Nakahara. Nobody knows of this, not a soul, not even Chuuya himself. Especially not Chuuya.
The motivation behind him going is because of a stupid lie he told Chuuya earlier during the day when they were at work.
At the Yokohama Police Station
"Hey, Mackerel." Chuuya calls out to Dazai, sounding a bit gentler than usual.
Dazai turns around and flashes a smug smile at him, already ready with a horde of teasing remarks. "What is it, Chuu-ya~?" He asks, drawling out the last syllable.
Then he notices the shimmering band of gold settled on his ring finger.
"I'm...I just wanted to tell ya, I'm getting married in two months. I hadn't told ya about this before because my fiancée and I hadn't decided on a date before." Chuuya explains, sounding and looking just as nervous and light as one can expect of a soon-to-be husband.
But Dazai doesn't look at Chuuya's face. He just looks at the ring. The stupid ring that is taunting him, telling him that he's too late. Chuuya's taken. And he can't make a move on him. Unless...
No no no, he can't. He shouldn't. Chuuya will shut him down either way, knowing how loyal that man can be to someone or something.
"What're you thinking?" Chuuya asks Dazai with a glare.
“About how much your ring would sell.” Dazai responds with his signature devilish grin, one that screams, "Up to no good".
"You wouldn't actually-!" Chuuya snarls, hiding his ring in his pocket, his glare intensifying. "Like hell I'm gonna leave my ring unattended, bastard!" He yells. Dazai forces himself to have his grin intact and then, he decides to do something he really, really should've thought thrice about.
He lies.
"Hah, is that it?" Dazai scoffs, rolling his eyes and folding his arms. "Well, since we're all spilling out secret relationships, I'll confess too." He puffs up his chest with the most shit eating grin yet confident smile, confesses, "I've been dating someone. For a few months, actually!" This catches Chuuya by surprise, of course.
"A few months, huh? And who's this 'lucky' lady?" He asks in amusement, mainly because he knows that A) No matter how long a relationship lasts, Dazai always manages to break it off somehow and B) This is most likely some sort of prank. Dazai, who's already sensed Chuuya's doubt, laughs lightly, the laugh sounding convincingly arrogant.
"I'll bring her to the wedding, how about that?" He says, not thinking twice about what he's saying. "If you say so." The short man laughs, already betting that it's a ruse.
And here Dazai is now, regretting everything he said to Chuuya, especially about him having a girlfriend. He lies too much, he mentally notes though truthfully, that doesn't matter. Because now, he has to lie a lot more to actually get a date for that wedding that's two months away.
"Goddammit." He mutters into his hands and sinks into the recliner. "Drinking a glass of bleach is much more desirable than this horrid fate. Or torture. Anything painful that isn't going to that...snail's wedding." He mutters to himself.