Chapter Text
Kie pushed her way out of the Wharton house, the sounds of the party fading out behind her as the front door swung closed. She braced herself against a pillar, sucking in a deep lungful of fresh air, looking out at the dark street dotted with the soft glow of street lamps. There was a steady thrum of anger running through her - something she could never quite seem to get rid of these days.
It simmered under her skin every day at the Kook Academy, listening to her classmates brag about their family connections, their new yachts, their whole vile lives devoid of anything real, anything that mattered. Parties were the worst. Kie could barely keep a handle on her temper in any normal circumstance, but get a little liquor in her and she was ready for a fight - aching to throw their hypocrisy back in their faces, finally make them see themselves for who they really were - a bunch of spoiled, selfish assholes who’d been handed everything in their lives without earning a lick of it.
She’d taken it too far again tonight, just like she always did. She could still see the look on Sarah’s face, shocked and confused as Kie stormed past her, Ruthie’s drunken voice screaming for her to get the fuck out.
“With pleasure,” Kie muttered, tramping down the front steps in her borrowed heels. She pulled her phone out, ready to order a ride home, but when she tapped the screen it didn’t light up. Kie frowned, holding down the power button, but it stayed stubbornly black. “Awesome,” she grumbled, sliding it into her back pocket.
There was a loud peel of laughter from inside the house and Kie grimaced, carrying on down the stairs onto the walkway to the street. She didn’t want to be anywhere near the place if someone came out.
She’d just slipped out the front gate when her eyes caught a hunched figure slinking along the outer fence and Kie froze, the hair on her arms standing on edge. After a moment she squinted, the person starting to look familiar the more her eyes adjusted to the dim light.
“JJ?”
The figure froze, then spun slowly to face Kie. JJ blinked back at her, looking surprised.
“What are you doing here?” Kie asked, glancing behind him to see if the boys were with him.
JJ made a frantic shushing motion, his head rotating on a swivel.
Kie looked around them, frowning. “What’s going on?”
JJ hesitated, looking over his shoulder then back at her, tugging at the straps of his backpack.
“Nothin’ you gotta worry about,” he said finally, turning and starting to move back down the street.
Kie scoffed, following after him. Sure, she hadn’t been around the Pogues in a while - once you got caught in the whirlwind that was Sarah Cameron’s life there wasn’t much time for anything else - but she knew a plan in action when she saw one.
“What’s the target?” she asked, finding herself crouching down to match JJ’s height, keeping herself tight to the wall.
JJ spasmed, spinning to glare at her. “Jesus, keep your voice down,” he hissed.
Kie lifted an eyebrow and JJ glared back.
“Can you just -” he said, huffing in frustration. He darted a hand out and grabbed her wrist, starting to tow her forward. “Keep movin’. Stay low.”
Kie let him tug her down the block, then around the corner to where his bike was waiting. There was a spark of something in her chest, a small thrill, giddy and excited. She hadn’t been this close to JJ in months.
He dropped her arm as they reached the bike, digging through his pockets for the key.
“You gonna tell me what’s going on?” Kie asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
JJ glanced at her, silent, then looked away again, his forehead creasing into a frown.
“What?” Kie asked, tilting her head to the side.
JJ’s mouth twisted bitterly.
Kie felt her stomach drop, the realization hitting her like a brick to the chest. He didn’t trust her. She dropped her arms, the thrill sparking along her skin extinguished instantly, leaving her with a pit in her stomach, heavy and cold.
“Right,” she said numbly, taking a step back, tucking her hair behind her ears. “Sorry.”
JJ’s jaw ticked, his thumbs hooking through the straps of his backpack. Kie curled her fingers into her palms, searching for something to say that might bridge the distance she could feel stretching between them. She couldn’t blame him for it. She probably wouldn’t trust him either, if the roles were reversed. Not that they ever would be - JJ would never treat the Pogues like Kie had - would never fade out on them, slowly at first and then all at once, group outings skipped, texts going unanswered.
After a long stretch of silence JJ swung his leg over the bike, starting the engine, and Kie shifted uncomfortably, taking another step back.
“See ya,” she said quietly, looking down at her feet.
When she looked up JJ was staring at her, his eyebrows pinched together.
“Where’s your car?” he asked.
Kie didn’t answer, too busy fighting the wave of shame and hurt she could feel crawling up her throat, a lump she had to swallow down.
She clearly didn’t hide it well enough, because JJ muttered “shit,” and the engine went off again.
Kie shook her head quickly, trying to get it together. “You’re good,” she said, flashing what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “Tell the guys I said hi.”
JJ looked at her for a moment, his leg bouncing restlessly, then he switched his gaze to stare down the empty street. “You could tell them yourself, y’know,” he said, brow furrowed.
Kie swallowed hard, nodding. “Sorry I haven’t been around a lot lately,” she blurted - understatement of the century. “Things have been really hectic, and I just…I’ve been really busy.”
She hated herself even as she said it. Like that was an excuse. Like she hadn’t traded the Pogues in for Sarah the second the girl offered her a hand out of the torment that had become her life in the pit of vipers that was the Kook Academy.
JJ ran his thumb over the bike’s handle grip. “Haven’t seen you at Rixon’s lately,” he said, examining the fuel gauge. “And you missed Pope’s birthday.” He paused, looking up at her, one eye squinted. “Pope’s birthday.”
“I know,” Kie said, closing her eyes, guilt and regret heavy in her stomach. “I know. I meant to text him, I just…”
She opened her eyes, and JJ’s were fixed on her, his forehead still creased into a frown. “Got busy,” he finished for her. “Right.”
Kie pursed her lips shut, feeling miserable.
“Alright,” JJ said, swinging his head away from her. “I’m sure you got somewhere to get, so…”
He started the bike back up again and Kie took another step away, feeling all of about two inches tall. JJ nudged the kickstand up, revved the engine, then just idled there, one foot still on the ground.
“Where’d you park?”
Kie looked down the street, realizing suddenly how little she’d thought this through, standing miles from home in a mini skirt and heels, phone battery dead, friendless.
“I’ll be fine,” she said, shrugging it off. What was a three mile hike home in the dark? She felt like she deserved it - almost looked forward to the wallowing misery of it, just so she could be upset about anything other than this - JJ looking at her like she was someone he barely knew.
JJ’s face scrunched up. “What? That’s not what I asked, Kiara.”
Kie pulled her shoulders back, arms crossing defensively. “I’m walking.”
JJ’s eyebrows lifted, his eyes traveling slowly from her face to her shoes. “Sure.”
Kie glared at him, her cheeks hot, then kicked the heels off, stooping down to pick them up before she turned and started marching down the street the way they’d come.
JJ swore, hastily swinging the bike around and coming after her.
Kie ignored him, grateful at least that they were in Figure Eight, that the road was lit and smooth under her bare feet.
“What are you doin’?” JJ asked, exasperated, pulling up beside her.
Kie lifted her chin. “I told you,” she said mulishly, “I’m walking.”
“Like hell you are,” JJ scoffed, speeding up a little so he could pull to a stop in front of her. “It’s like four miles. In the dark. At two a.m.”
Kie stepped around him. “And?”
JJ laughed, incredulous, pulling forward to cut her off again. He eyed her outfit critically, and Kie blushed, fighting the urge to adjust her halter top and tug her skirt down. “And you look like you’re beggin’ to be kidnapped.”
Kie rolled her eyes. “It’s Figure Eight, JJ, I think I’ll be fine.”
JJ’s eyes narrowed. “‘Cause all the crime is in the Cut, right?”
Kie glared back. “That’s not what I said.”
“It’s what you meant,” JJ snapped, then abruptly he shook his head. “Okay - whatever. It doesn’t matter. Just get on the bike, I’ll take you home.”
Kie stepped around him again, her mouth settling stubbornly in a line. She didn’t want a ride. She didn’t want his kindness. She wanted him to leave her stranded, then she wanted to go home and cry about it, about the whole stupid night, and every dumb decision she’d made that got her there.
“We can do this the whole way or you can get on and get it over with,” JJ said, rumbling along beside her, one foot skimming the ground. He shot a quick glance over at the Wharton house. “I’d rather get it over with, if it’s all the same to you.”
Kie finally stopped, realizing she was taking JJ right back in the direction of whatever he’d been running from earlier. She hesitated, then gave him a flat look and stepped forward, sliding onto the bike behind him. Her skirt rose dangerously high up her thighs, but there was nothing she could do about that. She held her shoes in one hand and grabbed onto the frame of the bike below her with the other, waiting for JJ to start moving.
“Thanks,” he muttered sarcastically. He glanced back over his shoulder at her. “Hold on.”
Kie sighed, and grabbed onto his backpack.
“Kiara,” JJ said, sounding annoyed. “Hold on.”
Kie gritted her teeth and leaned forward so her arms were around his waist, her shoes resting on the bike between his legs.
JJ took off down the middle of the street, and Kie’s arms tightened instinctively around him. Her hair whipped behind her, the rumble of the bike between her legs so familiar for a moment she felt like she was thirteen again, JJ sneaking her out of the house and back to the Chateau for a party. If she leaned forward just a little her nose would be pressed to the back of his neck, and she knew she would be able to smell him - sweat and motor oil, a hint of briney ocean spray. Kie closed her eyes, feeling the wind on her face, trying to let the world melt away.
By the time JJ pulled to a stop a few houses down from hers, there was a terrible ache in Kie’s chest, desperate and lonely, like it had been there all along but being so close to JJ had brought it to the surface ten times as strong. She slid off the bike, tugging her skirt back into place and dragging a hand through the tangle of her windswept hair.
“Thanks for the ride,” she said, looping her fingers through the straps of her shoes, glancing at JJ’s face.
JJ nodded, fiddling with the handlebars. “Yup,” he said, not looking at her.
Kie pressed her lips together, grinding her bare heel into the pavement below her feet just to try and feel something other than the gloom steadily mounting in her the longer JJ kept his eyes averted.
“Good luck with…whatever,” she said, taking a step backwards.
JJ tongued at the corner of his mouth, squinting down the laneway. “Thanks.”
Kie took a deep breath in, then let it out. “Night, Jayj.”
JJ’s head snapped up at the nickname, something unreadable on his face. After a second he smiled, close-lipped and not quite real. “Night,” he said.
Kie rocked back on her heels, biting down on her lip to stop herself from saying something stupid. She turned and trudged the rest of the way to the house, waiting to hear the sounds of JJ pulling out behind her. When she reached the porch she looked back and saw him still sitting there, his head turned away.
Kie dug her nails into her palms, trying to block out the memories of the dozens of times they’d done this in the past, trying not to think about the world of difference between the JJ sitting out there now and the one from a year ago. A year ago JJ would’ve watched her until she got to the door, would’ve flashed her a thumbs up as she cracked it open and slipped inside, a shit-eating grin on his face, always so proud of her for getting away with some small act of rebellion against her parents.
Now she slipped inside, silent, and pressed the door closed, watching through the window as JJ finally picked his foot up, turned the bike around and disappeared into the night.
It was almost certainly pure coincidence, but Kie couldn’t help feeling like there was a little divine intervention at work when two days later Sarah checked her phone and perked up, smacking Kie to get her attention.
“Beach day!” she beamed, bouncing across her bed to reach the dresser. She yanked a drawer open and started pulling bathing suits out of it, tossing them back in Kie’s direction. Kie yelped, snatching them out of the air as quickly as she could.
“Where to?” she asked, starting to sort the suits into two separate piles.
“Rixon’s,” Sarah said nonchalantly. “The boys wanna surf.”
Kie froze, the next bandeau top slapping her in the face. She sputtered, shaking it off and blinking at Sarah.
“Rixon’s?”
“Yeah,” Sarah said, pausing to look at her. “Oh right, I forgot you surf too.” She tilted her head at Kie. “You should totally bring your board. Show the boys up. It’ll be hilarious.”
Kie dropped back onto the bed. “I didn’t spend the last hour letting you blow my hair out just to immediately get it wet,” she said, rolling her eyes.
Sarah smiled at her, amused and a little proud. “You’ve come so far,” she sighed fondly. “The Kie I met at the beginning of this year wouldn’t be caught dead saying something like that.”
Kie winced a little, knowing it was true. She caught sight of herself in the mirror above the dresser and studied her reflection critically. She looked different with her curls blown out, hair soft and glossy, makeup lightly applied. She couldn’t deny it looked good, but it still somehow made her feel less like herself.
Wear it like war paint, Sarah had said. Like armor.
Kie looked out the window at the cloudless blue sky, wind conditions perfect. No chance the Pogues weren’t taking advantage of the swell too. Half of Kie wanted to duck into the bathroom and scrub her face clean, stick her hair under the sink until it was drenched through and ready to dry back up frizzy and wild, but there was another part of her, deep down and usually ignored, that wanted them to see her like this.
She looked back at Sarah, feeling suddenly reckless. “You pick for me.”
Sarah squealed, dropping to her knees and rifling through the bathing suits until she landed on a teal blue set, which she plucked out and threw at Kie.
“Show off them legs, girl,” she said, shimmying her shoulders.
Kie laughed, grabbing the suit and sliding into the bathroom to try it on. When she walked back into the bedroom Sarah fell back on her hands, her eyes widening.
“Dude,” she said, whistling in appreciation. “You look hot.”
Kie snorted, fishing a button up out of Sarah’s closet to pull on over it.
“No -” Sarah snapped, popping to her feet and wrestling the shirt away from Kie. “It would be a crime to cover that up. Trust me. The boys are gonna be drooling over you.”
“Great,” Kie said derisively. “Just what I always wanted.”
Sarah shot her a look that said she wasn’t fooling anyone, and Kie crinkled her nose, petulant.
In the end Sarah was right. When Topper’s Jeep pulled up and Sarah and Kie walked outside to meet it, Kelce did a literal double-take, and Kie could feel Rafe’s eyes flicking back to her in the rear-view mirror the whole ride to the beach.
She intentionally didn’t look to see who was out on the water while they were setting up their spot - getting the towels spread, boards down, the umbrella up. By the time she finally laid back with an arm up behind her head, the boys were already talking shit.
“Jesus, just look at them,” Rafe said scornfully, squinting out at the water. “Acting like they own the place.”
Kie didn’t have to look to know who they were talking about.
“Yeah right,” Kelce laughed. “They couldn’t afford the parking lot.”
Sarah’s head turned toward Kie in her periphery.
“Hey, those are friends of yours, right, Kie?” Topper asked, sniggering a little. “Mind asking them to clear out so the real surfers can get some hang time?”
“Topper,” Sarah said chidingly.
Kie pushed herself to her elbows, turning to look at her. “You know what,” she said, “I changed my mind.”
She shoved herself up to her feet, saw Rafe’s board sticking out of the sand about a yard away and made her way to it, dusting the sand off her ass as she went.
“I can borrow this, right?” she asked over her shoulder, already tugging it out of the sand and heading down to the water without waiting for an answer.
“No problem, Kie!” Rafe shouted sarcastically, “go right ahead!”
“Thanks!” Kie yelled back, not bothering to turn around. The water was warm enough when it hit her feet, and Kie waded into it gladly, letting it lap around her legs before she lowered the board and slid on, starting to paddle out to the lineup.
She saw John B. pass her going in the opposite direction, and finally set her eyes on the small group of surfers out beyond the break. Pope was there, JJ right next to him, only one other guy waiting for his turn. Kie braced herself, maneuvering to the end of the line and sitting up.
“Hey,” she said, trying to ignore the anxious flutter in her stomach, forcing herself to look past the guy in front of her and down the line to Pope and JJ.
Pope didn’t look at her.
“Sup,” JJ said, keeping an eye on the incoming wave.
Pope sent JJ a fleeting glare, and JJ made a face back at him, shrugging one shoulder.
Kie turned her head down, focusing on the water lapping against her knees. She hadn’t expected anything different - knew it was what she deserved, but it still hurt all the same.
“How’s your day goin’?,” the guy between her and JJ asked suddenly, and Kie looked up in time to see his gaze lift hastily from her chest to her face. “I don’t think I’ve seen you out here before.”
Pope snorted, and Kie stamped down on the urge to roll her eyes, kicking her feet a little so she drifted back and away from them.
“I’m good,” she said shortly, hoping he would take the hint. She could see John B. making his way out of the water and onto the beach, and what little belief there had been in her to start with of some stupid pipe dream reunion where the surf healed all wounds dimmed and flickered out. The next wave that rolled by was shitty, but Pope took it anyway, riding it as far as he could before he had to bail out and paddle the rest of the way in. He reached the shore too, dragging his board up onto the sand.
Kie tried not to care, turning her head out to the horizon.
“I can give you some tips,” the guy next to her said, “I’ve been coming out here every summer since I was a kid.”
Kie made a face, opening her mouth to let the guy know exactly how much she didn’t need his help, but JJ beat her to the punch, nodding upward at the guy.
“Hey man,” he said, “you can go ahead.”
Kie’s head snapped around, hope curling dangerously in her chest.
The guy looked caught off guard, glancing between the two of them. “Okay…” he said after a moment, reluctantly flattening himself to his board, motions stiff and uncomfortable as he paddled out.
Kie tried not to laugh at how awkward he looked, but when she glanced over at JJ and saw him flick a glance back in her direction out of the corner of his eye, a slight smirk on his lips, Kie couldn’t help the tiny hiccup of a laugh that escaped her.
JJ snorted, and tried to cover it with a loud round of coughing.
The Touron disappeared under his wave, never having made it to his feet.
“Probably had some killer tips,” JJ said under his breath.
“Don’t think that was the kinda tip he was trying to give me,” Kie said dryly, grinning when JJ’s eyes went wide.
He glanced her way again, then looked quickly back out at the beach. “Can’t blame a guy for tryin’,” he muttered, the slight flush of his cheeks doing something funny to Kie’s insides.
She held her breath, waiting for JJ to start paddling away, waiting for the inevitable burn of disappointment she knew she was setting herself up for.
Instead they both just sat there, letting wave after wave pass, the silence between them far from comfortable, but nowhere near as painful as it had been the night he’d given her a ride home.
“Your hair looks different,” JJ said abruptly.
Kie winced, running her wet hands through her hair, curling the ends self consciously around a finger. “Sarah did it,” she said, feeling a little embarrassed. “It’ll be back to the usual frizzy mess in a minute.”
JJ cupped a handful of water and washed it across his board. “Frizzy mess ain’t so bad.”
Kie felt her heart skip a beat, her eyes darting to JJ and then away again. She opened her mouth to say something, she didn’t know what, but before she could speak she noticed Topper paddling out, waving an arm over his head to get their attention.
Kie felt a burst of frustration and clenched her mouth shut, waiting impatiently as Topper made his way over to them.
“Rafe needs his board back,” he said when he finally made it, nodding with his head toward the shallows where Kie could see Rafe standing knee deep in the water, staring out at her with his hands outstretched to both sides.
Kie saw JJ’s head turn away in her periphery, and she hauled in a breath, trying to get a handle on the annoyance she could feel surging through her. She knew if she paddled in now that would be the end of whatever this was with JJ. Whatever tentative peace existed between them was only there because of the endless stretch of open water around them. Put a foot on sand and it would evaporate just as quick as it came.
Kie switched her gaze back to Topper. “You got next.”
Topper hesitated, looking between her and JJ. “Did you hear me?”
Kie tossed her hair over her shoulder. “Yeah, Topper,” she said. “I heard you.”
Topper looked at JJ, but JJ just shrugged. “That's all you, bro.”
Topper waited a moment, but when neither of them said anything else he huffed, and started paddling forward to catch the next wave.
Kie and JJ watched him in silence as he rode it into the shoreline.
“Those guys are assholes,” JJ said suddenly, squinting at the beach where Rafe was still standing, glaring out at them. “Please tell me you see that.”
Kie watched Rafe wade out to his waist. “Obviously,” she said, looking down at the board, scratching her thumbnail across it, trying to mar the seamless surface into a little groove.
JJ looked at her sideways. “So what are you doin’ with them?”
Kie looked back at the beach, at where Sarah was still stretched out on her towel, the glint of golden sun shining off her hair.
“I promised my parents I’d try,” she said finally.
JJ made a face and turned his head away from her.
It rankled something in Kie, the look in his eyes. He didn’t get it - would never know what it was like to stand with a foot in both worlds, never fully belonging to either. Even with Sarah on her side Kie wasn’t safe at the Kook Academy. There was always someone with something to say - under their breath or out loud to her face - about her father’s parentage, her mother’s so-called fall from grace. About the boys, and all the things Kie supposedly let them do to her. Kie didn’t belong there and they all knew it, even the ones who were willing to fake a friendship with her for Sarah’s sake.
“I didn’t choose to transfer,” she reminded him, eyes tracking a seagull as it dipped onto the water and settled, ducking its head briefly under.
JJ’s mouth twisted to one side. “Sure chose some other stuff.”
Kie didn’t know what to say to that. It hadn’t felt like a choice at the time, her slipping away from the Pogues. It felt like survival. The first few months at the Kook Academy were brutal. Kie never hid the fact that she didn’t want to be there, and it was clear as day nobody else wanted her there either. When they played volleyball her own teammates kept accidentally serving the ball directly at the back of her head. Twenty minutes before she was supposed to present it in class, her poster on the effects of artificial light on coastal ecosystems went missing, turning up smashed and shoved into a trash can after the whole thing was over. It was like the whole school had unanimously agreed that Kiara Carrera Did Not Belong, and it was open season on the collective punching bag. Kie ate lunch alone every day, sitting against the back wall of the school, trying to pretend she wasn’t hiding.
It’d gone on for months, day after relentless day of spitballs anytime she couldn’t secure a desk in the back row, dead bugs in her water bottle before she learned to never leave it unattended, her locker getting tagged with vile shit on a regular basis. Her teachers turned a blind eye to it all, unwilling to say anything when they knew the perpetrators had parents on the city council, or the school board, or in the goddamn governor's office.
And all along there were her parents - her mother crying for her to please just try, just give it a chance and the other kids would accept her. Her father sitting her down and telling her how hard they’d worked to get her there, how much they’d given up just to get her this opportunity.
In the beginning Kie turned up at the Chateau every evening fuming, ranting about the injustice of it all, but the longer it went on the less she found herself telling the boys. It was humiliating, for one thing, but more than that the look on JJ’s face when she talked about it had started to scare her - like he had half a mind to do something about it if nobody else would.
And then one day Kie took her lunch back behind the school, ready for another hour of sitting on her ass on the concrete texting the Pogues about how miserable everything was, and Sarah Cameron was inexplicably there, trying to rescue a bird she’d found hobbling around with one wing bent dangerously in the wrong direction.
It was the first evidence Kie had seen that anyone else in the whole damn school cared about anything other than themselves. She didn’t text the boys that day - spent the next hour helping Sarah put together a little nest in a box for the bird instead, trying to work out where they could take it after school, and before she’d even known it a bridge had been built.
It happened so fast Kie hadn’t even seen it coming. One second Sarah was inviting her over to check out the American Oystercatchers hatching in the sand near Tannyhill, and the next second people were looking at her differently - inviting her to parties, albeit grudgingly, as if Sarah’s will superseded their own but they wanted Kie to know they weren't happy about it.
It made Kie hate them even more - spineless drones that they were, but Sarah - Sarah was real. Sarah, miraculously, was actually her friend. And it turned out having one real friend at the Kook Academy was the difference between absolute misery and something bearable.
At the end of the day, the truth was that Kie had been tired. Tired of constantly having to watch her back, tired of pretending none of it hurt her, tired of everything. After months of torment, when Sarah offered her an out, Kie had taken it and hadn’t looked back.
“Didn’t know what to think the first time I saw you with them,” JJ admitted, still peering intently out at the shoreline. “You looked…happy.”
It was so absurd Kie almost laughed, only stopping herself because she could see the way JJ was frowning.
“I wasn’t happy,” she said with certainty.
JJ looked at her oddly. “But you still hang out with them. You still go to their parties.”
He didn’t have to say it out loud for Kie to hear it - you don’t come to ours.
Kie looked back at the beach - at the Kooks with their music blaring, at the Pogues sprawled in the shade of the Twinkie.
“If it makes you feel better it’s terrible,” she said. “Everyone hates me.”
JJ scratched at his temple, dipping his hand into the water and using it to slick his hair back from his forehead. “I uh -” he cleared his throat. “Heard your little rant the other night.”
Kie’s head whipped around, her breath stuttering in her throat. “What?”
JJ curled his lips inward like he was trying to hold back a laugh. “At the Wharton’s? You really laid into ‘em.”
Kie felt her face heat, trying to remember what she’d said, only able to come up with an image of Ruthie’s face - trembling and white with fury.
“Wait,” Kie said suddenly, squinting at JJ. “How’d you even hear that? Were…” she remembered him creeping along the outer wall, voice hushed as he told her to keep her voice down. “JJ, were you in the house?”
“I got no idea what you’re talkin’ about,” JJ said, his face a mask of false innocence.
“Wow,” Kie breathed, leaning back on her palms, impressed. “Now I need to know what you were doing there.”
JJ tilted his head to the side, impish, and Kie felt the urge to laugh bubbling up in her chest.
“You should probably get back before Rafe goes ballistic,” JJ said finally, tapping his fingers against the side of his board. He glanced sideways at Kie again.
“Totally,” she said, feeling weirdly light, like even with John B. and Pope giving her the cold shoulder she’d finally somehow done something right, something good.
JJ hesitated a moment, his tongue caught between his teeth, and then he said casually, “there’s a party at Shelby Boone’s place tomorrow.”
Kie stared at him, heart in her throat. “Yeah?”
JJ nodded. “Yeah. She lives over near Ricky. By the old stump on Briarwood.”
Kie pressed her hands flat against her board to stop them from trembling. “I remember.”
JJ kept nodding, his eyes everywhere but on Kie. “Maybe I’ll see you there.”
Kie swallowed hard. “Yeah,” she said, “maybe.”
JJ turned his face away, the edge of something like a smile on his lips, and Kie ducked her head, lips pressing down on a smile of her own. Before she could say anything to ruin the moment, or before JJ could change his mind and take the invitation back, Kie sized up the next wave, paddling forward to catch it. At the last second JJ gave her board a little shove, like she was nine again and needed the extra momentum, and Kie felt the smile she’d been fighting bloom across her face, dizzying and wild.
The next night she washed her hair, let it dry the way it wanted to - feral and untamed. She picked out an outfit she hadn’t worn in months but that used to be her favorite, the cut-off shorts worn and soft with use, the crop-top she pulled on faded from endless days in the sun.
When she went downstairs her mom was in the living room watching the news, her dad petering around in the kitchen with his apron on.
“I’m going out,” Kie declared loudly, shoving her feet into her sneakers quickly as she made her way to the door.
“Wait!” her mom yelped, muting the TV and turning to look at her. “That’s what you’re wearing?”
Kie paused, her fingers on the door handle. Sometimes she couldn’t believe her parents. Back when she’d been hanging out with the Pogues she’d had to fight tooth and nail over every visit to the Chateau - endless questions about who would be there, if anyone would be drinking, negotiating her curfew like it was a freaking peace treaty. Nowadays this was the only type of question she got - what she was wearing. Not where she was going, not who would be there, not when she would get back. Like everything was okay as long as she was getting fucked up with the Kooks instead of the poor kids from the Cut. As if she weren’t in immeasurably more danger blackout drunk around Rafe and his friends than she was with the Pogues, who were likely to force feed her water, tuck her into bed, and relentlessly make fun of her for it in the morning.
“Yep,” Kie said bracingly, “this is what I’m wearing.”
“You look beautiful, sweetie,” her dad said, “why don’t you take the SUV?”
Kie bit back the instinctive urge to mention he’d never once let her take the car when he knew she was going all the way out to the Cut - probably because he wanted the trip there to be as discouraging as possible - and instead she flashed him what she hoped looked like a grateful smile, snagging the key from the catch-all near the door.
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” her mom shouted as Kie stepped out of the house, closing the door with a decisive snap behind her. She grimaced where they couldn’t see her face, thinking about her mom at fifteen, sneaking out of her fancy house on Figure Eight to meet her dad down at the Boneyard.
“No promises,” Kie muttered, flipping the key in her hand and heading down to the driveway.
It felt like forever since she’d driven to the other side of the Outer Banks. By the time she passed the old stump on Briarwood and pulled the car off to the side of the road she was feeling a little shaky, her heart rabbity in her chest.
She hadn’t let herself imagine anyone’s reaction when they saw her - knew that if she tried picturing it in her head she’d chicken out. Instead she summoned every ounce of bravery she could muster, shoved the car door open as quickly as she could, and made her way to the front steps of the bungalow. Before she could change her mind she was up the stairs, knocking loudly on the door and then, like ripping off a bandaid, she pushed the door open.
Kie stepped into the bungalow and froze.
JJ was sitting on a worn out old futon, a girl Kie vaguely recognized from parties at the Boneyard sitting sideways on his lap. They both looked up as Kie entered the room, and JJ’s mouth dropped open.
“Oh shit,” he said, looking shocked. “You came.”
Kie took in his hand on the girl’s thigh, her arm wrapped around his neck. “Here I am,” she said, feeling like an idiot, regretting the whole thing already.
JJ glanced quickly at the girl on his lap then back at Kie, clearing his throat a little. “You, uh, you remember Molly?”
Molly seemed to remember her, or at least had heard enough, because she didn’t smile when Kie waved awkwardly, just settled her eyebrows into a frown and put a possessive hand on the back of JJ’s neck.
“Right,” Kie said, looking down the hallway at the empty bungalow. “Cool.”
“Uh, Pope and JB are outside,” JJ said, looking uncomfortable, “I can -”
“Great,” Kie said, cutting him off. “I’ll go say hi.”
She moved quickly through the living room before JJ could respond, down the narrow hallway and into the kitchen. She could hear JJ and Molly having a muttered conversation behind her and she ignored it, walking to the back door where she stopped.
Through the screen she could see the fire pit, the light from it illuminating the faces grouped in a circle around it. In the middle of the small cluster of people was John B., sitting on a log next to Pope, clearly in the middle of a story, his face glowing in the firelight. Pope was laughing so hard he keeled over into John B.’s side, and Kie felt a sudden pang so deep in her chest she fell back a step, pressing her wrist to her mouth.
She’d known they would all move on without her, had even told herself that as a form of comfort, something to ease the blow in her mind each time she forgot to respond to a text, or decided she didn’t have it in her to make the trek all the way out to the Chateau. She’d known, but seeing it up close like this was different - knowing they all had each other, they were all still happy - it was just Kie, alone and miserable, the odd man out everywhere she went.
She knew if she pushed the door open and stepped into the yard the laughter would fall silent, the smiles would slip off their faces, and she would have nothing to say that could make it better. She left them. She chose this.
Kie spun on her heel to head back the way she’d come. JJ was standing in the hallway, his head down. Kie stared at him for a long moment, then stepped forward. She’d rather take twice the humiliation from him than face the whole group out back.
“Kie -” JJ said as she brushed past him, his voice low.
Kie kept her eyes tunnel visioned on the front door, moving quickly, not even glancing at Molly sitting awkwardly on the futon as she finally reached for the handle and ripped the door open, slipping back out into the murky dark of the night.
In five seconds she was down the steps and halfway to the car, her pulse pounding loudly in her ears, her chest tight.
The door to the bungalow slammed open behind her.
“Hold up!” JJ shouted, “Kiara, hang on, wait!”
Kie reached the car, stretched out an arm and yanked the door open, spinning so it was between her and JJ when he reached her, his hands outstretched like he was trying not to spook a stray.
“I’m sorry,” he said, sounding breathless, “I really didn’t think you would come - I would’ve -” he cut himself off, shaking his head.
Kie felt a flare of anger and seized it. It was easier than embarrassment, easier than grief.
“Would’ve what?” she demanded.
JJ hooked his thumbs over his hips, at least having the decency to look chagrined.
“Why would you even invite me if you didn't think I would come?” Kie snapped, frustration rising the more she thought about it. “Who the fuck does that?”
“Hey now,” JJ said, “can you blame a guy for thinkin’ you might not show?”
It was a valid point, but Kie didn’t care to hear it.
“And you said it was a party,” she pressed on, ignoring him. “There’s like, five people here, JJ, that’s barely even a get-together.”
JJ shifted on his feet, resettling his hat. “Alright, I -”
“A party is at least ten people.”
“Gotcha,” JJ said. “Ten?”
“Yes,” Kie snapped, knowing she sounded childish but unable to stop.
“Cool,” JJ said. “I’ll jot that down for next time.”
Kie sucked in a breath, ready to tear him a new one for making fun of her, but there was a sudden outbreak of laughter from behind the bungalow and she shrank back, the wind immediately gone from her sails.
“There isn’t gonna be a next time, JJ,” she said, pushing herself into the driver’s seat and pulling at the door. “This was a mistake.”
JJ shot a hand out and grabbed the door before it could close, looking pained. “Kie, wait…”
Kie tugged, but he wouldn’t let go. She glared up at him, then started prying his hand off the frame, finger by finger. JJ slapped his other hand onto the door too.
“C’mon,” he said, “just come say hi. I’ll go with you.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you,” Kie hissed, furious. She yanked at the door and JJ yelped, snatching his hands back and cradling his fingers to his chest. Kie slammed the door shut and hit the lock, shooting him a vicious smile.
She was just about to start the car up when JJ said in a rush, “it was Pope’s graphing calculator.”
Kie looked at him, blinking in confusion, the completely random statement stopping her whirling brain in its tracks. “What?”
JJ chewed his lower lip, watching her through the window. “You wanted to know why I was at the Wharton house,” he said. “One of those guys stole Pope’s graphing calculator. Those things are like a hundred bucks, easy.” He shrugged. “I snuck in to get it back.”
Kie stared back out at him, still slightly disoriented from the quick change of subject, her anger starting to ebb. “Okay…” she said, not quite sure what to do with the information. “Thanks.”
She started the car up and JJ made a noise, half exasperation, half pleading, pressing his knuckles to the window and then pulling away just as quick. “Wait, wait, hold on -” he glanced at the bungalow then looked back at her, his eyebrows pulling together. “Fine, you don’t wanna go in, I’m not gonna make you -”
Kie scoffed. “Couldn’t make me,” she clarified, eyebrows lifting.
JJ ignored her, cutting his eyes away, staring down the dark street. “I’m just sayin’, like - you already dragged your ass all the way out here. Seems like a waste to just leave.”
Kie frowned a little, not sure what he was getting at. “I already told you, I’m not going back in there.”
JJ huffed in frustration. “I know,” he said, annoyed. He nodded his head through the car at the passenger door. “Open up.”
Before Kie could process what was going on JJ had circled the front of the car to the other side and was tugging pointedly at the door handle. She blinked, then slowly pushed the unlock button and watched as JJ hauled himself into the passenger seat.
“What are you doing?” Kie asked, mystified.
“Fuck if I know,” JJ muttered, rubbing his palms on his legs.
They sat there in silence for a moment, then Kie looked from JJ to the bungalow. “Isn’t Olivia gonna wonder where you went?”
“Molly,” JJ corrected, looking uncomfortable, “and it ain’t like that.”
Kie crossed her arms over her chest. “Like what?”
JJ shot her a quick glare. “I dunno,” he said, “like…whatever it looked like.”
Kie made a face. “Okay, well it looked like you were about to shove your tongues down each other’s throats, so…”
JJ’s neck twisted in a flinch. “Jesus,” he groaned, his face going pink, “can you be chill for like, five seconds?”
Kie tried not to laugh. “Nobody has ever accused me of being chill.”
“Fair point,” JJ said below his breath, scrubbing a hand over his face.
Kie hesitated for a moment, then turned the car off. “Are we just gonna sit here?”
JJ lifted his eyebrows, pulling his hat off so he could lean back against the headrest. “Don’t look at me, you’re the one who won’t go inside.”
Kie slumped back in her seat. “You coulda at least brought some beer,” she grumbled.
JJ snorted, then, seemingly remembering something, he leaned forward and fumbled with one of the many pockets on his cargo shorts. After a brief struggle with one of the snaps he sat back up, his flask held triumphantly in one hand.
“Ask and yee shall receive,” he said reverently, spinning the top off and swallowing down a large mouthful. When he was done he held it out to Kie and she took it gingerly, sniffing suspiciously before quickly pulling her head back.
“Are you kidding me?”
JJ made a face. “Well you’re not supposed to smell it, Kiara. That’s like rule number one.”
Kie grimaced. “What is it?”
JJ looked shifty. “It's a blend.”
“It's a -” Kie's eyes narrowed and she held the flask back out at him. “I'm not drinking that.”
“Christ, Kie,” JJ said, rolling his eyes, “don’t be such a pussy.”
Kie's mouth dropped open, and for a moment they stared at each other. She could see the way JJ’s shoulders tightened up, slight trepidation in his eyes like he wasn't sure if he'd crossed a line. In answer Kie drew her hand back, put the flask to her lips and swallowed the contents down. The mystery concoction burned her throat all the way down to her belly and Kie cringed, screwing her eyes shut. When she finally pried them open again JJ was nodding at her, looking quietly proud.
“That was disgusting,” Kie rasped, handing the flask back. “Am I about to die?”
“Eh, you’ll live,” JJ said dismissively, taking another swig before screwing the top back on. “Probably.”
“Inspiring,” Kie replied, deadpan, rubbing her throat absently as her eyes drifted back to the bungalow. She was wildly aware that at any moment John B. or Pope could wander outside, and the proximity was starting to make her sweat.
JJ drummed his fingers on his knees, his eyes following hers. “Wanna take a field trip? I gotta run an errand.”
Kie eyed him warily.
“What,” JJ asked, looking pointedly around them, “you got somethin’ better to do?”
Kie sighed, letting her shoulders drop. “Fine.”
JJ nodded, jamming his hat on backwards and popping the passenger door open. “I gotta grab my backpack,” he said, hopping out and slamming the door shut. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.”
Kie watched, bewildered, as he bounded halfway to the bungalow, then froze and spun back in her direction. He hesitated, like he was considering saying something else, but at the last second he seemed to decide against it and turned back, disappearing inside.
When the door swung shut behind him Kie drew in a shaky breath, turning her head to stare out the front window. What the fuck was she doing? Hanging out with JJ like everything was fine, like John B. and Pope weren’t thirty feet away, liable to walk out the front door and see them together at any minute. How would JJ explain that, she wondered. How would she?
Kie ran her hands along the steering wheel, biting her lip as she reached down to finger the key. Maybe coming here was a mistake. Maybe JJ was in there right now, talking John B. and Pope into leaving, and when they came out into the front yard they would see her and - Kie’s fingers tightened on the key, her foot pressing down on the brake.
Suddenly JJ came bursting out the front door, skidding down the steps as he tugged his backpack on over his shoulders. When he saw Kie he slowed, his face doing something funny, like he hadn’t quite believed she would still be there. Kie watched through the window as he tilted his head down the street and then started meandering down it into the dark. She got out of the car and trailed after him.
“Do I get to ask where we’re going this time?” she asked, feeling a weird sideways sense of déjà vu.
“Not far,” JJ said vaguely. He glanced over his shoulder at her. “Sensible shoes,” he commented approvingly, the glint in his eye letting Kie know what sounded like a compliment was really just a dig at her heels from the other night.
She rolled her eyes. “I don't think the guy wearing more holes than shirt gets to comment on my fashion sense.”
JJ glanced down at his muscle tee, the fabric at the neckline worn so thin Kie was surprised it was holding together at all. “Touché.”
He broke away from the road and Kie hurried to catch up as he started cutting through an overgrown yard, peering into the gloom to where she could just make out the shape of another ramshackle bungalow coming into view.
“Yo, Ricky!” JJ shouted, startling Kie so she sprang forward, clinging to his arm.
“Asshole,” Kie snapped, letting go and smacking him on the shoulder.
JJ ducked his head, smirking. “Sorry,” he said, unrepentant.
The porch light blinked on up ahead, and JJ picked up the pace, leading Kie up the rickety old stairs as the screen door creaked open.
JJ's cousin Ricky popped his head out, squinting suspiciously into the flickering light. When he recognized JJ he hooted, pushing the door the rest of the way open and tugging him into a hug. “What’s up, Jaybird!”
JJ grinned, slapping Ricky on the back. “Hey man, how ya been?”
Ricky stepped back and waved him forward, doing a double take when he noticed Kie hovering behind JJ on the steps.
“Holy fuck,” he said, looking at JJ. “Isn't that -?”
“You remember Kiara,” JJ said loudly, cutting him off. “Kie, ignore everything this guy says, he's a fuckin’ liar.”
“Says the fuckin’ thief,” Ricky shot back, grinning as he shepherded them both into the house.
“See?” JJ mouthed at Kie. “Liar.”
Kie bit back a laugh.
“Business or pleasure?” Ricky asked, stepping forward into a dimly lit living room. He leaned down and scooped a small jet black kitten up off the couch, reaching around to plop it into Kie's arms.
Kie gasped, cradling the kitten to her chest, her eyes going wide.
“Jesus,” JJ muttered, watching her nuzzle her nose against its soft fur, cooing gently. “Business,” he said to Ricky, “just pickin’ up for Shelby.”
“You sure?” Ricky asked, pulling a jar packed with weed out of a cabinet and handing it off to JJ. “Just got some dank shit in. Was about to light up.”
JJ looked tempted, but he shook his head. “Nah, dude, Shelb’s waitin’ on it. We should get back.”
He spun the jar in his hand, turning to look at Kie.
Kie blinked back at him, curling herself protectively around the kitten. “Or we could stay,” she said hopefully. The kitten mewed and pressed its tiny cold nose to the bottom of Kie’s chin. Kie’s knees almost buckled, her heart close to bursting.
“Fuck,” JJ sighed, tipping his head back. He stared at the ceiling for a beat, then said, resigned, “or we could stay.”
Kie squealed, lifting the kitten to eye level. “Did you hear that?” she murmured. “We get to play!”
Ricky winked at her, and Kie beamed back.
“Yeah, man, thanks,” JJ said to Ricky, rolling his eyes. He jerked his head at Kie, dropping down onto the couch as he shoved the jar into his backpack. “Get over here.”
Kie circled around and settled down next to him, kicking her shoes off so she could sit with her feet tucked under her, the kitten curling into a sleepy ball on her lap.
“We’re stayin’ for ten minutes, max,” JJ warned, leaning forward to accept the joint Ricky passed him.
“Whatever you say, boss,” Ricky chirped, shooting Kie an amused look out of the corner of his eye as he plopped down into a patchy looking armchair. Kie felt something warm unfurl in her chest. She’d gotten so used to the Kooks hating her for being a Pogue, and the Pogues hating her for being a Kook, she’d forgotten what it felt like to have an ally.
“I like him,” she said to JJ, nodding at Ricky. “I like you.”
“You would,” JJ muttered darkly, pulling his lighter out of his pocket and sparking up.
“Don’t listen to him,” Ricky said loftily. “You’re welcome here anytime, Kiara Carrera. With or without my degenerate cousin.”
JJ scoffed, taking a long drag and then holding the joint out in Kie’s direction. She took it carefully, making sure it wasn’t in danger of dropping ash on the kitten, then brought it to her lips and took a hit, relaxing back into the couch as she felt the smoke curl through her lungs.
An hour later she was shaking with laughter, trying not to disturb the kitten as JJ and Ricky traded stories from their childhood, both trying to one-up the other in painting each other in a worse light. The weed had hit her hard - it was better than whatever bullshit Barry was selling Rafe - and the living room felt warm and cozy, the dim lighting cloudy with smoke, everything about the place making Kie want to curl down deeper into the couch and not move.
At one point the kitten stretched luxuriously, almost rolling off Kie’s lap, and she shifted to catch it, her feet pressing into the side of JJ’s leg. His hand dropped down and squeezed her ankle, and then he just left it there, fingers curled lightly around it, his thumb occasionally skimming slowly back and forth across the skin above her sock.
Kie wasn’t even sure he was aware he was doing it, but suddenly it was the only thing she could think about. She hitched the kitten up to her shoulder so she could pretend to be focused on something else, careful not to move her feet. The uncontrollable laughter she’d felt a minute before was melting into something different, something hazy and hot, a thirst she hadn’t quite known was there.
When JJ’s phone buzzed in his pocket he pulled the hand away, digging into his shorts and squinting red-eyed at the screen.
“Ah shit,” he mumbled, punching something into the keypad and then tucking the phone back into his pocket. “Dude,” he said to Ricky, “thanks for the hospitality. We gotta bounce.”
Kie pouted as she dragged herself to her feet, waiting for JJ and Ricky to finish their little bro-handshake before she settled the kitten back on the couch, pressing one last kiss to the top of its tiny head.
“I meant what I said,” Ricky said, pointing at her. “Any time.”
Kie grinned, threatening to take him up on it as she waved one last time and followed JJ out of the house. They started back through the yard, the sudden silence between them thick with a tension Kie couldn’t tell if she was imagining or not.
Quiet at night in the Cut was different from the quiet at night in Figure Eight. Figure Eight felt unnaturally still at night, like something out of a postcard - everything frozen in a glistening mirage of perfection, only the distant buzz of security cameras and flood of motion-sensored lights proof that it was real. The Cut, on the other hand, came alive in the dark - the trees humming with the calls of a thousand insects and the soft hooting of owls, eyes glowing through the underbrush in the distance.
JJ and Kie walked side by side, the familiar sounds of the Cut vibrating through the dark around them. Kie kept getting the strange urge to hold JJ’s hand. She tucked her fists into the hinge of her elbows instead, trying not to think about the rough scratch of his palms, the way his fingers were calloused, covered in nicks and scars old and new.
JJ was tossing his lighter from hand to hand, tucking it into his pocket and then pulling it out again, like he didn’t quite know what to do with himself.
They both slowed as the car came into view.
“You, uh, you good to drive?” JJ asked, looking at her sideways.
A bolt of heat shot through Kie as their eyes met.
“Yeah,” she said, tearing her eyes away. “Roads should be clear. I’m good.”
JJ nodded in her periphery, flipping his snapback around so the brim was pulled low over his eyes.
“Hey,” Kie started, not sure if she was about to thank him or say something she’d seriously regret. Before she had a chance to find out there was the sound of a screen door clicking shut.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
Kie looked up and ground to a halt. JJ stumbled to a stop next to her, his work boots scuffing loudly against the ground in the stunned silence that followed.
Pope was standing on the front steps of the bungalow, the look on his face a mix of shock and anger.
“Shit,” JJ swore quietly. He took a step forward. “Pope -”
“Is that where you were this whole time?” Pope asked, accusatory. “With her?”
Kie flinched at the look on his face, her body flooding with dread.
“C’mon, man,” JJ said hastily, taking another step forward. “It don’t have to be like this.”
“Doesn’t have to be like this?” Pope repeated, incredulous. “Are you seriously defending her right now? She’s the one who made it this way!”
“Pope,” Kie said, her face hot with shame, “I messed up, okay, I’m -”
“Wait,” Pope cut her off, shaking his head, swaying a little where he stood like he’d had too much to drink and couldn’t get his thoughts to line up straight. “Are you two…”
"No!" JJ and Kie said loudly in unison, the awkward pause that followed doing nothing to help their case.
Pope squinted at them suspiciously, his face twisting in disgust.
“It ain’t like that,” JJ said firmly. “Pope, dude, let’s just -”
“Fuck you, JJ,” Pope laughed, harsh. “You’re such a fucking hypocrite.”
“It’s not his fault,” Kie said quickly, her hands curling into fists at her side. “He didn’t know -”
“Jesus, shut up, Kie,” Pope snapped, sharpening in on her. “You don’t talk to us for months. Months. And now you show up and wanna act like it’s all good?”
Kie held his gaze, a horrible sense of desperation building in her chest. “Pope, I’m sorry,” she said, hating the tremble in her voice. She knew it wasn’t enough. Not even close. She didn’t know where else to start.
Pope glared back at her, and Kie tried valiantly to swallow past the lump rising in her throat. She dug her fingernails into her palms as hard as she could, fighting it back. All this time and she still didn’t know how to put it into words.
“You’re right,” she said, “I disappeared. I fucked up. I’ve been the worst friend, and I wish I could go back and change it. I’d do anything -” Kie broke off, the words dying in her throat as the screen door cracked open once again and John B. came stumbling out.
There was a heart stopping moment where he saw Kie and his whole face lit up, the same lovable goof Kie had known her entire life, and then she watched in what felt like slow motion as he remembered, and his face shuttered, eyes going distant.
It was worse than anything Kie could have imagined.
John B.’s eyes flicked to JJ standing on the dark road slightly ahead of Kie, his head down as he scratched at the back of his neck.
“Ready?” John B. asked, the question clearly directed at Pope.
Pope nodded, and without another word they stepped down off the stairs, heading for the Twinkie parked back in the trees.
“You can find your own way back, right?” John B. asked without turning around, and Kie watched miserably as JJ nodded at the ground, his hat shielding his eyes from view.
They stood there in the dark as the Twinkie pulled away, as the gentle rumble of her engine faded into nothing.
Kie knew without even looking at JJ - whatever warmth there had been back at Ricky’s, whatever fragile camaraderie had started to take hold, it was gone now. In its place was that ache again - deeper and more terrible than before, like it was the only thing between Kie’s skin and bones.
“Need a ride?” she asked finally, knowing even before she offered that he wouldn’t take it.
“Nah,” JJ said, shaking his head, looking off into the trees. “I’ll crash at Rick’s.”
There was a steady pressure building at the back of Kie’s eyes, the sob in her throat inching closer to her lips.
“Bye,” she said before it could break free, her breath catching on the word as she crossed the distance to her car in three quick steps and poured herself into it, yanking it into drive and pulling out before she had a chance to look back.