Chapter Text
The clock on the oven draws closer and closer to 6 o'clock, but there is still so much left to prepare. Steve mentally curses himself for not allowing enough time to complete his preparations. Tonight was his turn to cook for date night; and while it wasn't any different than his and Eddie's usual plans, he couldn't help but feel that familiar tightness in his chest that came with hosting anyone in his museum of a home.
Whether it was his boyfriend of 4 months, best friend of 2 years, or, god forbid, gaggle of judgmental teenagers he seems to have adopted. Steve hates the stress and allure that seems to come with inviting people into his stupid fancy house. With anyone besides himself inside he feels like he can never fully relax. He always has to be on, always has to be providing, giving everything he has of himself even if it hasn't been asked. It is expected. Logically he knows that the party is only really interested in a place that can provide shelter to all of its members, but he can't help but feel the weight of pressure to accommodate just right and earn his place in their lives.
Maybe it was yet another side effect of the unconventional approach to raising him that his parents seem to have, where he felt more like a glorified butler than son whenever they sporadically chose to stop by. Or maybe it was how his peers in the past only ever seemed to prefer his presence when it was accompanied by something he could provide them. Either way he wasn't going to risk letting his friends down by stopping his hosting anytime soon, and dwelling on it would not get his dinner in the oven on time. Which apparently, has already passed by. Hopefully Eddie wouldn't mind waiting a bit.
As the dish cooks in the oven Steve moves on to tidying up the little clutters that have collected in the kitchen and living room. The only real signs that there is life with in those walls. Just as he is putting the last of the clutter away underneath the kitchen island the, front door bursts open with a force.
"Honey I'm hooooommeeeee!" Eddie called as he entered the house, kicking the door open. causing Steve to hit his head on the counter.
"oomf~" Steve cried.
Ever the caregiver, Hearing his lover's exclamation, Eddie rushed over to where he heard the voice coming from, finding Steve crawling out from under the table, hand rubbing his head, and knelt down. Eyes checking over the boy he found, inspecting for injury or sign of distress.
"Oh honey are you alright? What happened?" Eddie asked, concern dripping in his voice, causing Steve to squirm underneath it, as he reached out and rubbed the spot on Steve's head that made contact with the countertops underside. wrapping his other arm around his back. Steve chuckled at his boyfriend's silly concerns.
"Just scared me a bit." He smiled shyly.
"I'm sorry, I was just excited to see my darling after an excruciating 10 hours apart." Eddie sighed dramatically flopping down to the floor, pulling Steve to his chest to bring him down as well.
This sent the other boy into a fit of giggles, pushing on Eddie's chest in an attempt to be freed from his clutches. "Eddiieee, Let me up. I have to finish cleaning up, set the table, and get dinner out of the oven.” Steve listed looking slightly ashamed that he couldn't manage his time better, “I wasn't ready for you yet. I'm sorry."
In his defense he tried to get it done in a timely manner, it's just that his medications haven't been as effective as they were when he first upped his dosage 6 months ago. Not that Steve is trying to make excuses. Some of his more unbecoming behaviors such as: spacing out, having slower reactions, and memory loss are bubbling back to the surface.
Steve completely forgot where and when he was after work today, opting to just go home and hopefully get himself situated. Especially away from the prying eyes that he felt on him all day. He felt that no matter what he did it was the wrong choice and everyone around him somehow knew it and acted accordingly. When he finally came to and remembered the date it was too late to cancel and much too late to cook a meal that would come on time. But he would sure as hell throw something together for Eddie.
"Oh all that can wait a minute. Let me give a proper greeting to my boyfriend." He said, pulling Steve back into his chest. Only backing away enough to come face to face when Steve seemed to relax a bit in his arms. "Hi love." Eddie smiled brightly.
"Hi you." Steve smiled back his dopey little smile that seemed to be reserved just for Eddie. He always knew how to put Steve's anxious edges to rest.
That however does not mean Steve is anywhere near relaxed when he has tasks that remain unfinished. He broke out of their private little bubble as the weight of his to-do list reared its head.
"Why don't you go make yourself comfortable on the couch and I will let you know when the food is done and the table is set, okay?" Steve suggests pulling himself and Eddie up to build his momentum back up to finish his chores. Ushering Eddie to the living room where the couch resides.
Eddie however had other plans, and stopped their relocation. "I don't know if you got this from me practically flinging myself at you the moment i walked through the door, but I like YOU darling. I don't want to sit on that stiff ass sofa when you are all up and about in the kitchen." Eddie said, grabbing Steve's hand to pull himself back into Eddie's sphere, moving to cup his face once he is. Maintaining the eye contact they shared to truly sink his message. "I want to spend time with you, love." Steve averts his eyes but smiles nonetheless.
"Oh. Ok." He squeaks out. Barely even able to get that out. Even after 4 months of being together, 4 wonderful months of Eddie being absolutely nothing but kind, sweet, and patient with him; Steve was still absolutely shocked whenever Eddie shared a loving word of encouragement, or caring action that showed that his boyfriend liked having Steve around.
"Stevie, I know you are a caregiver, but let yourself be cared for too. Goodness Gracious." He booped his nose before guiding Steve by the small of his back to the dining room table. Pulling out a chair with one hand, forcing Steve in it with the other. "Now it sounds to me like everything is basically done, and we just need the plating. Which just so happens to be my specialty! So sit back and relax baby, I will go get everything else taken care of." Before Steve could even begin to protest Eddie was set in action. Dancing from cabinet to cabinet to drawer to get all the dishes and cutlery that would be needed for tonight's dinner.
Caregiver, Steve wishes he could be a caregiver. Then everything would be right in the world. Steve wouldn't have to be living a lie, always on the verge of letting down everyone he knows with a simple slip up. But nothing is ever easy for Steve Harrington is it? After Steve's classification test, and honestly even a little bit before, everyone assumed he was a caregiver because of his mother's hen-ish personality traits. He worries okay? And Steve, knowing an out when he sees one, never corrected them. But Steve is not in fact a caregiver, no. Steven Richard Harrington, is a little.
A little on suppressants. A little who has never had a proper drop besides the first one. A little who's suppressant affects are wearing off. A little who is trying his damndest to act normal despite the fuzziness picking at his brain, taunting him.
"You don't have to-" Steve starts, but is cut off by a singular look Eddie sends him that shuts him up immediately. "Thank you," he tries again, and when nothing interrupts him continues, "you didn't have to finish taking care of my responsibilities, I appreciate it." He finishes not quite able to meet Eddie's gaze.
"Of course sweetheart, all I want is for you to let me take care of you too, give yourself a break." Eddie continues sincerity oozing out of him. "And they aren't just your responsibility when it's our date night silly billy. How many times have you come over to the trailer and helped out with dinner, or dishes, or just general upkeep of it. That is a two way street I would gladly walk down."
Steve's urges to be cared for are exactly what he is trying to avoid. Sure Eddie is saying that right here for this one small gesture, but if Steve gives in he would ultimately drive Eddie away. Just like he has with everyone else in his life it seems.
Well unlike with his parents, and unlike with Nancy, Steve will not be bullshit. He will not be clingy, or too weak, too much. His love will be worth it this time, He promises himself. He gives all of himself and doesn't ask for anything in return. He is the most attentive and perceptive partner, Eddie makes it so easy! It's his love of Eddie that wills him to prevent becoming everything he cannot. He doesn't want to put someone as considerate and kind as Eddie through the torture of caring for a broken little like him.
A little who doesn't deserve the care and affection he craves.
A little who wouldn't know when to stop himself from taking and taking and taking any sort of attention and affection he can get until his source runs dry.
He would never be able to live with himself if he did that to anyone, let alone kind, sweet, perfect Eddie. Who he loves so so much. Eddie already gives him way more than he deserves. No, he needs to keep his selfish urges away. As far away as they can get. He should take some more of his suppressants to ensure that Eddie is safe from the disease that is little Steve Harrington.
"If you have that taken care of, am I good to go to the bathroom? If you don't need anything from me right now?" Steve asked, standing from the chair he was just placed in, hoping to be able to slip away long enough to take an extra dose of his suppressants to keep his problem at bay.
"Yea of course, go piss babe." Eddie laughed, playfully tapping Steve's ass as he walked past. Steve stuck his tongue out at his lover as he rounded the corner to head up the stairs.
As he leaves Eddie's sight he lets out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. The pressure of keeping such a big part of himself secret was starting to take a toll on him. It was never this draining when he first presented all those years ago. When his dad first shoved a bottle of suppressants from who knows where into his hands and told him to get out of his sight until he was fixed.
Steve didn't have an Eddie back then though. Sure he had friends but never a connection so deep and true as what Eddie provided. Even when he thought that Nancy was it for him, he didn't have a problem with hiding this part of himself from her. Would he feel guilty sometimes about his dishonesty? Who wouldn't.
But with Eddie it was different. Never in his life has he had someone who cared so deeply and thoroughly for him. Just Steve, not King Steve the high school legend, Not Steven the failed golden boy. Just Steve. He bares his soul to Steve, being nothing but genuine and authentic since the day they met. Laying all of his inner workings out to bear witness to. And Steve adored him for it. Eddie was real in a way he could never even hope to be, even in his wildest fantasies, and Eddie made it look easy.
So to have such a massive secret from such an open and honest man was really starting to take a toll on him. The guilt he felt was immense and almost out weighed the pressure he felt to hide. Almost.
Every so often the thought of coming clean popped in his head. Of embracing his little side with the help of Eddie's gentle manner. But just as fast as it came, any semblance of that fantasy was squished when he remembered why he hid it in the first place. Steve Harrington did not deserve the delicate care that came along with being a little. The gentle touches and soft words were never something that had been in the cards for him. And with even one slip up Eddie would see that for himself and finally realize what everyone else in his life had a long time ago. That Steve was not worth the time and effort. And selfishly Steve did not want to aid Eddie in coming to this conclusion. So no matter how guilty he felt for hiding it, his selfishness always won out in the end. Trying to preserve one of the few good things that Steve had come to find in his life.
When Steve entered the bathroom he could feel himself working up. With his mind already venturing towards unsavory territory bringing unwanted feelings, he just wanted to get his suppressants and settle the fuck down. Not only were they good for short term suppression of his classification, they suppressed short term emotional outbursts as well. This outcome of course is only achieved by taking more than the prescribed dosage, but this was already way illegal might as well go all the way. Especially when he needed to calm his nerves enough to go back downstairs to see Eddie without raising any suspicion. Eddie, being a caregiver himself, was very perceptive to any and all mood shifts so he didn't want anything to rouse suspicions.
With all the grace of a new born calf, Steve tore into the medicine cabinet searching for his little bottle of lies. The longer it took to spot the more his breathing unevened, and body trembled. Where. Were. His. Pills. Not only did he need them more than ever in this moment, misplacing a highly illegal substance when your boyfriend is just in the other room is not quite comforting. After surveying the whole bathroom (even the tank of the toilet) and coming up short, Steve scrambled to his room in desperation. Where had he last taken them? He thought the bathroom, but obviously not.
Sometimes he kept them in his nightstand but that was no use either. With every visible surface area accounted for Steve began to tear his room apart. Blankets, pillows, clothes, books, trinkets; everything found a new home, haphazardly thrown on the ground. Full on hyperventilating now, tears began taking form on his lower eyelids, threatening to pour at any moment. Steve crouched down to look in the floor of his closest, why would it be there? Who knows, logic is not something Steve can focus on once panic has fully set in. And it has.
Still coming up empty handed, Steve reaches all the way to the back of his closet. He moves from his crouched position to stand up and keep searching; hitting his head yet again on his way up, sending him right back down. The pain surging through his head is the breaking point that set off the tears that have been glistening his eyes since he entered the room. Steve's arms immediately fly to his head as he curls himself into a fetal position. In a lump on the floor of his closet Steve sobs silent, heavy sobs that wreak through his whole body.
"Steve?"
The concerned sound of his boyfriend's voice startled him out of his position on the floor and sent him scrambling back to the corner of the closet. His breath sped up, and he curled in on himself even further, making himself as small as possible.
Eddie's eyes widened at the scene playing out in front of him. His heart breaking at the sight of his boy so small and scared in a way that he had never seen from him before. Eddie crouched down to get on the poor boys level. But still leaving space so he didn't overwhelm him even more.
"Hey hey it's just Eddie. It's just Eddie honey you're safe, you're so safe. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you okay?" Eddie cooed slowly, holding his hand out so Steve could see them.
"Ed-die?" Steve questioned, voice uncharacteristically soft and shaky. Hearing his boyfriend's name he slowly peeked his eyes out of their hiding spot and took in his surroundings, when his tear filled eyes finally landed on Eddie a whimper involuntarily escaped from him.
"Yea baby it's Eddie, can i come closer? Can i hold y-" before he could finish his sentence Steve held his arms out whining as much as his staggered breath would let him. Taking the hint Eddie rushed over and pulled the shaking boy into his arms, nuzzling his head into the crook of his neck as he sat down in the spot next to him, settling Steve on his lap. "Oh Stevie. Shhhhh I got you sweetheart. Eddie's got you, let it all out just like that. You are doing so well honey." Eddie whispered, rubbing his hand over Steve's back while gently rocking them back and forth.
The comforting words only seemed to send Steve into more of a fit. Having only ever been reprimanded for crying, to be praised for it was too confusing for his mind right now, growing fuzzier by the minute. Especially with Eddie's kind words of encouragement.
Steve's reaction concerned Eddie greatly, he was going to pass out if his breathing got anymore frantic. He hugged Steve tighter to his chest and started to exaggerate his own breathing.
"Baby you have to breathe. Here follow me: In.. And out..” He instructed, and Steve tried to follow along. “Slowly just like that, you are doing so well honey, can you grab my hand?" Eddie asked, holding out his hand that he had been using to rub Steve's back.
Steve paused his exaggerated breathing for a moment shifting so he could see where he was grabbing. Once the task at hand was done he looked up at Eddie expectantly.
"Perfect! Can you squeeze my hand?"
Steve squeezes as hard as his body would let him. (which was not hard at all)
"Just like that good job! Can you squeeze my hand three times?"
He does.
"You are doing such a good job honey, keep going, can you give me three big squeezes?" They keep squeezing and deep breathing until Steve can breathe at a steady pace on his own. "Feeling better?"
Steve nods his head from its place in Eddie's neck, but continues to grip Eddie's hand like a life line.
"What's got you so upset, love?" Eddie asked, hoping to figure out the root of the issue.
Steve had been on edge since Eddie entered his house, and Eddie was planning on talking with Steve if that odd behavior continued throughout the night. Eddie had finished dinner and waited for his return. And waited. And waited. And 30 minutes had passed and still no sign of Steve. So he decided to check on the boy, he first went to the bathroom but found it empty so he moved on to his room. As he entered he was not met with the pristine clean room that he had come to expect with his boyfriend, instead he was met with, well, a disaster. Clothes, books, blankets, pillows, everything that once had a proper place to live now resided on the floor. Taking it all in he realized still no Steve. Before he could even think about where to go next he heard a loud thud coming from the closet. When he finally reached it he was met with just about the saddest sight he could think of: his boy in a fetal position on the floor of his closet, hands clutching his head, tears streaming down his face, breathing ragged and short, but no sound escaping him. Eddie immediately sprang into action knowing from prior experience that he would need comfort first and talking later, but this seemed different than any other time Eddie had guided Steve through a panic attack or nightmare. Seeing Steve so small and defeated on the floor almost reminded him of a li-
It couldn't be, he had to get to the bottom of this.
"Head." Steve squeaks softly, tears still streaming from his eyes, pulling Eddie from his thoughts.
"What happened to your head honey? Did you hit it again or is it being scary?" Eddie offered, testing out his theory a bit.
That question took Steve by surprise. He had hit his head again, but all of the new and confusing emotions were very scary and overwhelming! He reached up to show where he hit his head and hesitantly gave a nod hoping that was the answer Eddie was looking for.
Seeing Steve's hesitation Eddie realized he probably should stick with questions that require one word answers. "Okay, that's okay we will make it all better right?" Eddie said, giving Steve's head a kiss where he said he hurt it, wiping his tears that continued to fall. "I got you honey, I got you." Eddie comforted as he started rocking them again.
That seemed to relax Steve as he nodded leaning into Eddie's hand where it met his face. After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably just about 15 minutes Steve relaxed his body fully against Eddies letting out a sigh.
"Feeling a bit better?" Eddie asked. Receiving a nod Eddie shifted a bit sitting up more, maneuvering Steve so that he could see him.
He needed to figure out what had his boy so riled up. Obviously he hit his head, but he had never seen this type of reaction from Steve ever. Let alone from some sort of physical ailment. Something had to have set him off, that or he was a lot more sensitive in this moment. A lot of his behaviors right now are leaning towards little, but that didn't make any sense. Steve was a caregiver, babysitter extraordinaire and such. Every explanation that Eddie tried to come up with just led to more questions, he would have to tread lightly and attempt to get some answers in a way that wouldn't set off his obviously exhausted boyfriend.
"Honey, what uh what happened? What had you tearing up your room and in the back of your closet? I'm not mad, just concerned baby. I want to help fix whatever is bothering you." He said trying to keep his voice as gentle and kind as he could.
Steve's eyes widened as he proceeded Eddie's question. His room. The pills. In all of his heightened emotions Steve forgot what led him to the position he was in. Fuck. FUCK. He couldn't, he can't, he's not supposed to be this way. What can he do, Eddie isn't supposed to know. No one is supposed to know. How could he be this STUPID, this reckless.
And just like that all the progress they made tumbled its way back. Steve shuffled off of Eddie's lap, tears streaming down his face at a rapid pace. His body trembled as his shallow breaths fought to make way to his lungs.
"No please. M'sorry please, please no. Can't NO PLEASE." Steve all but screeches out, "Please, Please No.. please." He begs as he curls in on himself, shaking like a leaf.
"Oh baby I'm so sorry. Whatever it is we can figure it out together okay?” Eddie's caregiver instincts spring into action before his brain can even comprehend what is happening right in front of him. “We don't have to do it right now. You aren't in trouble honey, you're safe. You're always safe with me love it's ok." Obviously this is a conversation they will have to have later when Steve isn't off the cusp of a breakdown, tumbling into another. Eddie shuffles closer to Steve "You aren't in trouble baby, can i hold you? That helps, yea? I just want to make sure you are ok, my love." Eddie says hoping that there is something, anything he can do to bring the boy back down to where he was.
Steve, glad he isn't in trouble, nods; hoping to find something to calm his racing mind and body.
Eddie gladly gathers Steve once again, wasting no time taking his boy into his arms, "I got you, I got you baby, that's it sweetheart." Eddie reassures, rocking him and taking deep breaths just how he did before. Holding on a bit tighter this time. Once the boy’s hyperventilating turned to slow calculated breaths Eddie spoke again: "Are you hungry love? Dinner is ready. That's what I came to find you for in the first place." Eddie asked, hoping that a distraction would help the poor boy calm himself.
Steve had honestly forgotten about dinner all together, feeling immensely guilty for keeping Eddie from his food for about an hour now, he nodded his head from his spot in Eddie's neck. "m'sorry." He muttered, voice full of tears and shame and incredibly small, albeit muffled.
"Hey don't apologize, it's ok honey. Food can be reheated. We can take however long you need. If you want to stay here longer, that's okay! Whatever you need, baby, I want to make sure you are ok." Eddie comforted, honestly offended that Steve thinks he would be mad, about something as trivial as a later dinner. Especially above his own health and safety. "Do you want to go eat or do you want to stay here for a little while longer baby?" He asked.
Steve's head grew even fuzzier at the kind words and excessive pet name usage. Just now processing what he is sure is the last of a million others. He wants this to stop, he wants to go back to normal. Or whatever normal can be for him. But most of all he wants to give in. Be taken care of, let Eddie hold him and never let go, and take all of the scary bad thoughts away. Maybe, just for a little bit he can. Only until he finds his suppressants, he reasons with himself. Probably shouldn't be too greedy. "Eat.. p'ease." He finally says, still not moving from Eddie's neck.
"Okay princess, up we get" Eddie says standing up from their spot on the floor, taking Steve with him. He exits the closet with Steve in his arms holding on for dear life. "Shhh, I got you baby. Let's go get dinner." Eddie carefully makes his way out of the room and towards the stairs. His suspicions have definitely been heightened, but that was a thought to deal with after he got the boy in his arms fed and, hopefully, settled enough to talk after dinner. Boy did they need to talk.