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social rules of adolescence dictate that no one likes being dubbed the new kid.
other students will either gawk and awkwardly ask generic things like, "where are you from" or opt for complete ignorance. it's easier to get on with the day without any worries of having to babysit someone new. it's kind of terrible, really, but then again what part of growing up isn't.
(her dad always joked that she was wise beyond her years but now she's starting to realize that maybe he wasn't joking at all.)
this, though, tiffany lives for this.
a different school, a different country, a different life.
"you can take the open seat near the window."
tiffany bows politely at the instructor because it's what's done here and she's not some uncultured savage. (her issues with the language barrier are completely different and not through any fault of her own, obviously.)
the other students stare but that's expected, she thinks. even at a school like this it's not often that someone strolls in fresh off the plane from the states.
tiffany smiles at the girl next to her. she can do this; make friends, be charming.
the girl stares back at her with a bored look.
tiffany leans over with a conspiratorial smile. "hi," she whispers.
it's—she swears she's not that girl. never. but, she's new. everything here is all new to her and she wants to know and experience it all first hand.
"hi," she says back dully.
the instructor clears his throat at the front of the room and tiffany glances up with a sheepish smile; hey, she's new and she regrets absolutely nothing.
"he's not actually a hard ass," the other girl whispers in her ear, "just don't sass him and this class should be a breeze."
tiffany smiles to herself at her small victory. she's doing it. making friends, being charming.
* * *
it turns out her desk buddy's name is jessica.
tiffany doesn't find this out until much later when she's mingling in the hallway and overhears jessica and another girl talking.
she's not this girl either, but they're relatively close and jessica's friend is kind of loud so it's not like she could not listen to what they're saying. besides, it's how she learns jessica's name so she still regrets absolutely nothing.
the warning bell rings and her new friends begin to disperse.
"hey, tiffany, we'll come get you at lunch," sooyoung says as she's walking away. "our table is very exclusive."
* * *
even on the other side of the globe, the way high schoolers divide themselves up is eerily similar to how it is back home. she takes a twisted sense of comfort in knowing that all the terrible things about high school is the same everywhere.
tiffany follows sooyoung's lead through the lunchroom. they pass tables of popular kids, kids on the verge of popularity who will never quite get there because they try too hard, the bookish kids, and, well, the lonely kids.
something that's not quite pity resonates in her. she doesn't think of herself as above them—far from it. what she does think though is that it must truly suck to go through each day without at least one person to share anything and everything with.
it's her greatest fear, being alone.
it doesn't take much to remind her that that is exactly what she is here in korea.
her head screams alone, alone, alone at her and tiffany drowns it out by being tiffany. not stephanie in california who's pampered daily to the point of being exactly what she's afraid of but tiffany. tiffany who's in korea and smiles like she means it because she does.
she's not trying to prove a point.
(she just doesn't want to be alone.)
* * *
by the time lunch is over tiffany skips to her next class with an empty stomach and a phone full of new numbers. she might have left stephanie back in california but not stephanie's love of terrible american food.
the instructor in her next class is more lenient and lets them choose their own seats.
seeing an opportunity to be seized, tiffany makes a beeline for the back of the room. the front is great and all but the back is usually where all the colorful personalities are.
tiffany lays out her notebook and pencils in an orderly fashion on her desk. it's only the first day after all, she may as well create some sort of illusion of studiousness.
"hey straightedge, it might be easier to take notes if you're at the front."
it's jessica.
it's jessica and she initiated conversation and gave tiffany a nickname.
* * *
pesky language barrier aside, tiffany acclimates herself to korea quicker than she thought she would. even though it's been months, tiffany still refers to it as korea and not home. it's just... well, it's not home. not yet.
* * *
"what did you get for the third one?"
tiffany pushes her notebook towards jessica so she can read it.
through sheer will alone, tiffany manages to win over jessica. even though jessica likes to look like she's only tolerating tiffany's presence, tiffany knows it's more than that. jessica's not the type to do anything begrudgingly; she'll either do something because she wants to or she won't because she doesn't.
besides, tiffany has seen what jessica is like with... well, pretty much everyone else and the fact that jessica refrains from being violent around tiffany has to count for something.
tiffany ignores the thoughts that she wants it to mean something.
* * *
it takes a few months of friendship for tiffany to notice these little... quirks that jessica has.
like how she refuses to open doors and insists upon whoever is walking with her to open it. except for when it's just the two of them and more often than not, jessica is the one holding doors open and shooting daggers at anyone that tries to pass through that's not tiffany.
or how she takes forever to get a joke. those first few times that jessica laughed at something way after the fact, tiffany assumed that she was trying to get in on the joke and show that she totally got it. but then it turned out that she did get it and it was just jessica's way of being... jessica.
and then there's that thing that happens sometimes when they're alone and jessica gets really quiet—moreso than she usually is—and she'll just look at tiffany. it's confusing and always makes the room feel smaller than it actually is because jessica always somehow manages to get in her personal space and the only reason that would happen at all would be because the room is small.
but just as quickly as it starts, it ends, and jessica goes back to doing whatever so nonchalantly that it makes tiffany feel like she made it all up in her head.
she knows it happens though because the pounding in her ears is so loud she thinks it makes her shake a little.
it occurs to her later that her head has stopped screaming alone at her.
(run, run, run)
* * *
"wow, you weren't kidding when you said that you sucked at math."
"shut up, you're supposed to help me. what's point of having a smart older friend if they don't do your homework for you?"
"okay, back up, when was there any mention of me doing your homework?"
tiffany grins at isak and goes back to figuring out the stupid functions that are clearly a waste of time because no sane person would ever need to know how to do any of this in the real world. math as a whole just isn't her thing. it's formulaic and impersonal and severely restraining when she thought about it.
plug a number into one spot, do something exactly as dictated every single time just because certain symbols are there, and come out with an expected product that's a surprise to exactly no one.
it's a terrible way to solve problems and no amount of variables could substitute the actualities of trial and error.
"you're doing that thing with your face again."
"what?" tiffany looks up from her notebook, momentarily forgetting that she was even with isak.
"something on your mind?"
"not really," she says and closes her books.
isak doesn't push her any further and for the first time, she really wishes that isak wasn't so understanding. she wants to talk about it but the thing is, she doesn't know how.
jessica keeps doing... whatever it is that she keeps doing and no matter how many scenarios tiffany runs through her mind, not a single one comes up with a plausible explanation for any of it.
tiffany refuses to think of it as a problem because that's not what this is; jessica is not a problem, she's a riddle and tiffany is determined to figure her out one way or another.
* * *
it happens again when they're alone in her room and tiffany almost takes comfort in its predictability.
she's prepared this time and just as jessica is about to pull away and pretend that everything is normal, tiffany grabs jessica by the shoulders and holds her in place.
if the atmosphere wasn't tense before, it certainly is now.
"why do you always do that?"
"what?" jessica's face is as blank as ever.
she's trying to pretend like none of this is getting to her but tiffany knows. they've spent way too much time together by now for tiffany to not be able to pick up on jessica's subtleties. the slowed breathing. the clenched jaw. they're in each other's space, breathing the same air, and locked in a speechless confrontation. it's the worst kind of argument tiffany could get herself into.
it feels like forever before tiffany sighs softly and lets go of jessica. it's vaguely defeatist and it makes her bite the inside of her lip. "just—you should finish what you start," tiffany finally says.
"speak for yourself."
it's the last thing tiffany hears before she's shoved against the wall and jessica covers her mouth with her own.
the dull pounding from before comes back in full force and it mutes everything. all she has is her sense of touch and she reaches out for jessica, pulls her closer by the back of her neck.
it's messy and the angle is all wrong until it's not and they're sliding against each other in tandem. jessica might have made the first move but it's tiffany who pushes her way into jessica's mouth, hot and needy. tiffany's hand makes its way under jessica's shirt and she drags her nails up jessica's stomach.
jessica arches into her and the quiet screaming in her head is replaced with the soft hum of jessica's body against her.
(stay, stay, stay)