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Tavros apprehensively placed one paw on the cool plaster of the wall, poking out his head from the corner to stare into the dark, desolate livingblock. It was so quiet out tonight, nothing but little chitters of insects floating in through the window, filling out the undetectable buzz of silence — the whole city seemed to hold its breath. Pale shadows shrouded the room, coating every surface either a dusty shade of grey, or a worn down black. Only the colorless, white moonlight filtered through the window managed to outline the furniture with any bit of form. A shiver skimmed by his neck under the icy white fur as cold air hushed around him, turning the fluff of his coat chilly, like touching glass keeping out the snow. Not enough to bite into your fingers, just enough to make the world feel empty and cold.
That’s not what he was here for, though. He squinted at the lounge plank, studying the shapes in the dark until a figure started to step out of the haze. There, in the middle of the livingblock, he could just barely make out the troll lying on the lounge plank. He almost blended into it, dark baggy clothes helping to camouflage him in the cushions. The only thing that gave him away was the bright white of his face paint, standing out even in the pitch black. So there he was, laid on his back and relaxing in the stiffest way Tavros had ever seen. Gently, he called out to Gamzee.
“,,,hEY, aRE, yOU COMING TO BED ANYTIME SOON?”
Gamzee didn’t turn his head from the ceiling, head resting in his arms atop the armrest. He kept on gazing up at the roof, not a speck of purple in his skin from how thoroughly the dark blanketed him.
“MaYbE iN a LiL’ bIt.”
A gentle sigh settled over Tavros as he floated over to the arm of the plank, leaning over to look down at where he’d perched himself. Gamzee blankly stared past him, eyes half lidded and distant. Tavros poked at his face.
“iT’S PRETTY COLD TONIGHT, yOU KNOW,”
“hOW AM i GONNA SLEEP WITHOUT, sOMETHING EVEN COLDER, tO HOLD ONTO, hAHA,”
A tiny smirk crossed Gamzee’s face, but it faded quickly.
“wHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?”
“ThE uSuAl.”
“aH,”
“,,,dO, uH, yOU WANNA TALK ABOUT IT, tHIS TIME?”
“MmMpH...”
“yOU SPENT A WHILE UNDER THE WHOLE,,, yOU KNOW, tHING,”
“ThAt I dId.”
“i’M KIND OF, wORRIED THIS WHOLE,,,”
He gestured vaguely over the sofa.
“iS, eR, a SYMPTOM,,,”
“jUST, uHM, yOU CAN TALK TO ME, iF YOU WANT TO,”
Tavros could never tell if these rare depressive episodes he had were good for him or not. The curt replies made his abdomen ache, like Gamzee had finally gotten sick of him. But on the other hand, if he could just get him to open up…
“I kNoW mAnNn, I’m SoRrY...”
“nO, nO, iT’S OKAY, tHERE’S NO RUSH,”
Tavros looked away and fidgeted with his hands. The air pricked harshly at his arms.
“...”
“HeY...”
He perked up, attention snapping right back to him. Gamzee’s eyes widened for a second before returning back to that painful bored expression
“YoU uHm...”
“,,,yEAH?”
“...Uh...”
“YoUuU... eVeR tHiNk AbOuUuUt... UhH... tTtImE?”
“tIME?”
“YeAh. LiKe... InEvItAbIlItY n’ StUfF.”
“nOT REALLY? i KIND OF TRIED NOT TO, iMAGINE THOSE THINGS,”
“cAUSE IT USUALLY ENDED UP, hORRIBLY, fOR ME AND THE PEOPLE i CARE ABOUT,”
A tiny scoff-laugh came from Gamzee, a small smile hanging over his face.
“,,,uHM, aRE YOU, lAUGHING, aT MY LOVED ONES BEING HURT?”
“NoNoNo! ShIt, SoRrY, dOn’T mEaN tHaT. ‘s JuSt...”
“ThAt’S eXaCtLy ThE rEaSoN i WaS uP aLwAyS tHiNkIn’ BoUt It.”
“oH,”
“Y’kNoW? tOoK eVeRy StEp KnOwIn’ I wAs InChInG tOwArDs A tRaGeDy.”
“DiDn’T sToP tHe OlD sKuLl FrOm ThRoWiNg Me A bUnChA sHiT i WaSn’T wArNeD fOr ThOuGh.”
The humor in his expression lingers for a second before dissolving. He darts his gaze away.
“YeAh.”
Tavros sunk his claws into the couch, lurching further over the lounge plank arm and blocking his view to the ceiling. Gamzee flinched.
“lIKE WHAT?”
“UhH... Y’kNoW... sTuFf.”
“wHAT KIND OF STUFF?”
“...I’lL... tElL yOu ‘BoUt It LaTeR.”
“cAN’T YOU TELL ME NOW?”
“...”
His shoulders tensed.
“,,,sORRY,”
Tavros backed off, ears flat to his skull. Gamzee relaxed again.
“It’S aLl GoOd BrOtHeR.”
“YoU’rE jUsT wOrRiEd.”
“yEAH,”
The hive went quiet again, the last flicker of warmth snuffed out with a pathetic tiny sizzle. Tavros flicked his gaze around the respiteblock. The still, icy air sunk its way into his lungs, freezing down to his abdomen. In the silence, all he could really focus on was how the walls seemed to tower over him; lonely thoughts setting his fur on end. It made Gamzee a lighthouse in the dark, presence reassuring him even in the abyss. Tavros inched a bit closer. He supposed that’s why they lived together: two lonely people desperate for friendly company. Still, finding him lost in thought like this, completely isolated laying in the pitch black, it made him wonder if he was the only one desperate for company. The pathetic part of him (which was all of him, if he was being honest) whined at not being let in, like he wasn’t right there, practically pawing at him to offer help. Why wouldn’t he just open up to him? Tavros was open with him.
Gamzee kept on staring upwards, thoughts still unreadable.
“yOU REALLY SHOULD COME TO BED, tHOUGH,”
“CaN’t, I’lL pAsS oUt In ThErE mAn.”
“wELL, tHAT’S THE POINT, yES,”
“NoT tOo InClInEd On CrAsHiNg YeT, mY iNvErTeBrOtHeR.”
“yOU’VE GOT TOO MUCH, uH, nOTHING TO DO?”
“MhM.”
“YoU mAkE a PrEtTy GoOd CaSe ThOuGh.”
“hAHAH,,,”
Gamzee gave a long sigh. In the quiet, he might’ve just barely made out a tremble in his voice.
“...ThAnKs FoR sTiCkInG wItH mE, tAvBrO. EvEn WhEn I’m BeInG a RiGhT jErK aBoUt It.”
“hUH? yOU’RE NOT BEING MEAN,”
“Mm...”
He doubtfully avoided eye contact, ears tucked down a little.
“...”
“It GeTs ScArY iN tHe DaRk, yOu KnOw?”
“’PpReCiAtE yOu PaWiNg At Me.”
For a long while, Tavros kept quiet, just watching his expression. After a handful of moments he spoke up in a murmur.
“yOUR WELCOME,,,”
“...”
For a split second, Gamzee met Tavros’ gaze directly, only to look back to the ceiling.
“...I eVeR tElL yOu AbOuT eNgLiSh?”
“WhAt It WaS lIkE wOrKiN’ uNdEr HiM, i MeAn.”
“nO, nEVER!”
Tavros spoke a bit too fast, bringing up a snicker from Gamzee.
“HaHaH, i HaTeD hIm, MaN.”
“I’d SnAp At HiM aNy ChAnCe I gOt, No ReSpEcT fOr ThE eLdErLy.”
“OlD bAsTaRd.”
He was grinning ear to ear, Tavros flicked his tail excitedly.
“AlWaYs RaNtInG aBoUt ThE tImElInE n’ ShIt, WhAt WaS uP ‘n HaPpEnInG aNd WhAt I nEeDeD tO dO.”
“CoNsTaNt, UnEnDiNg PrEsEnCe, ThAt AsShOlE.”
“wOW, i MEAN, tHAT’S ABOUT WHAT i EXPECTED BUT,”
“wHAT A JERK,”
A sly little grin spread across Gamzee’s face.
“OoOoOhHhHh, I sEe HoW iT iS, TaV. rEaLlY bRuIsInG a MoThErFuckEr’S fEeLiNgS oUt HeRe.”
“wH- hUH?”
“HaHaHaH, pUtTiNg DiSrEsPeCt LiKe ThAt On My OwN pAsT sElF? tHoUgHt We WeRe FrIeNdS mAn.”
“hEY! yOU KNOW THAT’S NOT, wHAT I WAS GOING FOR,”
“yOU’RE JUST, pURPOSELY MISINTERPERTING MY WORDS, tO USE THEM AGAINST ME,”
“WhAaAt? CoUlDn’T fUcKiN’ bE.”
Tavros swiped at him with his paw, earning a laugh as Gamzee tried to shield his face with his arms.
“EhEhEhE!”
A low, annoyed meow rattled up his throat — unfortunately, it didn’t mask out the purring.
“I’m PlAyInG, i’M pLaYiNg.”
“oKAY NOW, tHIS WOULD GENERALLY BE, aN APPROPRIATE TIME TO SAY YOU’RE BEING MEAN,”
“SoOoOrRy.”
Tavros glared at him playfully, ruffling his hair with a rough hand. Gamzee didn’t seem to care — he just relaxed back down and smiled, leaning right into his palm.
“NaH bUt, YoU’rE rIgHt. ReAl PiEcE oF wOrK.”
“yEAH, tHAT MAKES SENSE FOR, a GUY DETERMINED TO DESTROY, wELL, eVERYTHING,”
“i,,, nEVER REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY, wITH THESE KINDS OF THINGS, bUT,”
“i’M UH, gLAD YOU’RE FREE NOW,”
“...”
He frowned as Gamzee’s smile dropped.
“,,,gAMZEE?”
“YeAh, Me ToO.”
“wHAT’S WRONG?”
“NoThInG, nOtHiNg.”
“,,,”
“I dUnNo It’S jUsT... i wAs So MiSeRaBlE wItH hIm.”
“A sWeEp AnD a HaLf SpEnT wAlLoWiNg AlOnE ‘nD bEiNg FoRcEd To CaRrY oUt BuNcHa HoRrIbLe ShIt.”
“I hAtEd HiM. sTiLl Do.”
He paused for a long, long moment.
“I rEmEmBeR, bAcK wHeN i WaS aLl WrApPeD uP iN tHaT tOwErInG mOtHeRfUcKeR’s EgO, bUrNiN’ tEcHnIcOlOrS sEaRiNg My PaN... i CoUlD sEe EvErYtHiNg. EvErY lItTlE sPeCk Of TiMe SaT iN rOlEcAlL, aNy TrAgEdY tEeTeRiNg OvEr InNeVaBiLiTy’S cRuEl CrUeL cLiFfSiDe, EvErY sEt-Up ChEeRiNg On It’S pUnCh-LiNe As It RiGhT wAlKs’ DoWn ThE iSlE.”
“ThE wHoLe TiMeLiNe SpLaYeD oUt BeFoRe Me LiKe PlAyInG cArDs. AlTeRnIa SwEePs BeFoRe SgRuB eVeR sTaRtEd, ThE lAsT lIgHt GoInG oUt On EaRtH c, It AiN’T nO dIfFeReNcE. i KnEw It AlL tO bE aS a FiNbEaSt KnOwS tO sWiM.”
“NoWaDaYs, My WhOlE pAnS’ bEeN wIpEd A sUcH a ThInG, tHaNk FuCk. BuT rIgHt ThErE, iN tHaT lItTlE mOmEnT oF eXiStEnCe, I hElD iT. aNd As ThAt UnRiGhTeOuS, wIgGlErIsH tAnTrUmInG gOd, I lOoKeD dOwN tO... mE. My OwN uSeLeSs, WrEtChEd HuSk. AnD tHiS iS wHaT i ToLd HiM:”
“one day, you’ll miss me. i can see it right here.”
He laid there, wordlessly staring up at the ceiling with his eyes glazed over in the dark; only quiet chirping floating down the halls. The air crushed down on the room, lifeless, eerie, decorated only by dull moonlight lapping at the edges of stray furniture. Its glow failed to meet Gamzee’s eyes. There wasn’t anything left to say, really — sat there in the lonely hive as the singing of insects passed them by. Grey blankets of ice ran through Tavros’ already frosted over fur, pricking at his nose like tiny needles and freezing the empty pit in his stomach. He couldn’t stand the fact this was the kind of rut he’d been finding Gamzee in on these nights — what was he doing out here? How could he bear to lay here for any longer than a minute, freezing his already lukewarm blood solid like that, alone in the dark… Tavros bit into his cheek, projecting maybe a bit more than he should.
It wouldn’t be fair to leave him out here, though. Tavros thought for a second, and made his decision. He slowly reached out, careful but without hesitation, and gently sank his fingers into Gamzee’s hair, claws brushing up against his scalp. A tiny gasp rang out as Gamzee’s eyes jolted wide open.
“sHHH, yOU’RE OKAY,,,”
Tavros scritched under all the dark coils laid soft against his paw pads, willing him to let his guard down and just allow himself to be comforted. Warmth hummed through his hand as he stroked through his hair — unapologetically tender with how he touched him. Gamzee blinked, startled demeanor slowly melting into something softer. A smile lit up the corners of Tavros’ mouth as Gamzee relaxed subtly into his grasp, shoulders falling and eyes drifting closed with sleepiness; like a puddle in the palm of his hands. He gave a long sigh, letting Tavros pet him as he rested there, quiet and unassuming. Tavros slow blinked at him while he kept watch.
…These episodes were one of the few times where he’d allow himself to be vulnerable.
A wave of contentment washed over Tavros, lulling him into that same haze of calm. It felt so nice to be let in, given access to the frail part of him and being able to cradle it to his chest, finally on the other side of that kind of closeness. Caressing the delicate hair under his paw, he happily sat there with him in the cool of the room, pleased as Gamzee started to teeter over sleep’s edge. Minutes blurred by, or maybe hours, he couldn’t tell. Tavros didn’t mind, though, the company filled his fur up with warmth. Eventually though, a smile quirked up on Gamzee’s face, and he opened his eyes, looking up at Tavros with all the sweetness in the world.
“...TaLk AbOuT a CrAzY eX, hUh?”
Tavros gave the chuckle Gamzee was looking for.
“yOU CAN’T, sAY ALL THAT SERIOUS STUFF, aND THEN FOLLOW IT UP WITH THAT,”
“’N wHy’S tHaT?”
He gently cupped the underside of his jaw to shush him, squinting down with a big smile. Gamzee grinned and leaned eagerly into the palm of his hand, a tiny chirp cropping up as he nuzzled up to him. A quiet purr rumbled in Tavros’ chest.
“c’MON, iT’S REALLY, rEALLY LATE NOW,”
“FiIiInE, yOu GoT mE bY tHe ScRuFf.”
Tavros chirred, eagerly pawing at him and urging him up. The distance burned at his skin like frostbite and it was already so, so cold. Gamzee laughed, shooed away his hands as he pushed himself up off the lounge plank, and Tavros would’ve been disappointed — if Gamzee hadn’t crumbled into his side the moment he got a solid footing. His arms wrapped tight around one of Tavros’ shoulders, hanging off him like an overgrown wiggler as he nuzzled into the vulnerable part of his neck. The warmth of his face seeped into Tavros’ very soul — sending soft little sparks up his spine. Embarrassment flushed his face as he recalled wondering if Gamzee didn’t want his affection. His best friend might be the cuddliest, clingiest person he’d ever met, and there was no doubt in his mind that he’d tripled the neediness since the game. Tavros wrapped an arm around Gamzee’s back and pressed him further into his grasp, hungrily taking in the comparatively warm touch of his skin.
“hI THERE,”
Gamzee trilled back to him, chest starting to rumble with a deep purr. Compared to the frigid air, his skin felt like sunshine shining down on him — Tavros nuzzled right into the affection.
“ThAnKs FoR lIsTeNiNg, BrOtHeR.”
“oF COURSE i’D LISTEN, tHAT’S HARDLY ANYTHING TO REALLY, tHANK ME FOR,”
He gently pushed Gamzee off of him, getting his fill, for a couple minutes at least. A shrill, indignant whine briefly broke through the silence, but Tavros quickly placated him by taking up his hand instead.
“wE CAN CUDDLE, wHEN YOU’RE ACTUALLY LYING DOWN WHERE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE, aT THIS TIME OF NIGHT,”
Gamzee leaned against him, clutching onto his hand.
“AwWwWw, CoMe On...”
“nO, nO, yOU ALREADY GOT UP, tHERE’S NO GOING BACK,”
Tavros started herding him towards the hallway, tugging on his arm and luring him away with the promise of more snuggling. Gamzee relented; letting himself be lead over to the respiteblock like a lamb.
“bUT UHM, aNWAYS, i’M SORRY IF i, bOTHERED, yOU TONIGHT,”
“BoThErEd Me? MaN yOu’Re ThE oNlY tHiNg To Be GeTtInG mE oUtTa SuCh A sPiRaL. wHo ThE fUcK’s HeRe CaLlInG a NuIsAnCe FrOm A mIrAcLe LiKe YoU?”
“,,,”
Tavros felt his face heat up a little.
“tHANK, yOU,,,”
“iT’S JUST, i UHM, GET KIND OF, aNXIOUS, aND NEEDY,”
“aND UH, wELL, tHAT’S A ME PROBLEM, bUT-“
“MaN yOu’Re AlWaYs WeLcOmE tO cOmE ‘n LaY bEsIdE a MoThErFuCkEr, iF tHaT’s WhAt YoU sO dEsIrE. cAn’T pRoMiSe ThAt In ItSeLf WoUlDn’T bE eNoUgH tO dRaG mE oFf To SleEp.”
Tavros’ eyes lit up.
“rEALLY?”
“CoUrSe BrOtHeR, aNyTiMe YoU’rE dOwN aNd WoRrYiNg AbOuT aLl ThAt NoIsE, aNd I’m BuSy PoUtInG oFf SoMeWhErE, yOu CoMe Up FoR a HuG aNd I’lL wElCoMe YoU wItH oPeN aRmS. jUsT lIkE aNy OtHeR tImE.”
“i, tHAT, tHAT SOUNDS, rEALLY NICE, aCTUALLY,”
“yOU’D UH, yOU’D ACTUALLY BE, oKAY WITH THAT?”
Gamzee turned to look him in the eyes with an adoration that made Tavros melt.
“It Ain’T nOtHiNg, TaVbRo. AnYtHiNg To Be By YoUr SiDe.”
“,,,oKAY, uHM, yOU’RE DOING, tHAT THING, aGAIN, wHERE YOU KEEP SAYING NICE THINGS, aND IT MAKES ME, wANT TO RUN AWAY AND, GO CURL UP AND DIE, sOMEWHERE, iN A GOOD WAY, aND, aND i UH,,,”
“’S mY fAvOrItE fUcKiNg ThInG tO dO.”
His face burnt red hot.
“,,,sTOP, sTOP THAT,”
The urge to dissolve down into a useless puddle draped over his pan as Gamzee cooed to him with that loving tone, coaxing him to go back on his own deal. Tavros squeezed onto his hand tightly, taking in all the comfort and warmth and validation seeping into his palm. The whole hive was still chilly, the air nipped at his ears and made his nose go numb, but the brisk walk to the end of the hall felt like a stroll through a hot summer day next to his best friend. That loneliness he’d felt next to Vriska, crushing him into dust the sweep before, seemed so distant here: hand in hand. He let the quiet dull down, eerie chirping being washed away by the peace nestling into his head as he came to the end of the hallway. He reached out for the doorknob; still holding onto his favorite lantern.