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Calls from Seth were inevitable. At least once a year, Seth would send a lovingly put-together DVD to torment his brother over something for money. Usually, Pickles could deal with it. He could handle the torture; it was never anything too bad. At least he got to beat the living shit out of him at the wedding. He looked back at that time with a satisfied fondness
Anyway. Usually, it was manageable
The band sat on the couch, eyes trained on their cracked TV. Nathan was fist-deep in a bag of chips, his eyes unfocused. Pickles was nursing a bottle of alcohol, and Skwisgaar was plucking strings on his guitar like usual. They all watched silently as the brunette flickered onto the screen, sat infront of a montage of picturesque mountains and beautiful lakes. A demon had to look pretty to lure others, Pickles thought to himself with a slight smirk
"Hey, Pickles," The DVD began. Seems like Seth hadn't changed his usual introduction. Maybe he just didn't care to. It made sense that he wouldn't
"It's your brother, Seth. I'm out here, fuckin'.. running fuckin' Dethklok Australia. Look, man, I gotta borrow.. fuckin'- a couple million. And- y'know, if you don't, I got some fuckin' blackmail here. C'mon, help your fuckin' brother out here, Pickles. Or- heh, I guess I should call you-"
A glass bottle interrupted the rest of the recording. When the band looked for the perpetrator, their eyes landed on Pickles. The drummer was absolutely seething, his eyes wide and his breathing heavy. He'd never looked so pissed, especially not in such a short amount of time
"Oh, fuck no." He spat, "I'm not giving that fucker anything. He comes in here, thinkin' I'll just give him shit because he knows-"
"Pickles," Nathan growled, disrupting the drummer's rant, "What did he mean by, uh... blackmail. What kinda stuff did he mean?"
"Ja! Ams it you pissings the bed as a little boys?" Toki giggled. The rest of the band cracked a smile, too. Everybody except Pickles, who threw another bottle at the ground
"It doesn't matter, alright?! I'll just pay him- it doesn't matter, stop askin'!"
He stormed out. They heard his scream from the hallway. Nathan, Skwisgaar, Toki and Murderface glanced at eachother, their heads all silently running through different scenarios as they heard angry boots moving away
"Scho, he'sch really gonna pay that guy becausche of schome schtupid blackmail? Scheriouschly?" Murderface questioned, cutting through the awkward curiosity that had settled over the group
"What does you think he ams hidings?" Skwisgaar probed further. Toki tilted his head a little. The group formed a small huddle, looking deeply into eachothers eyes, as they began to discuss theories. Childhood secrets? Perhaps. Embarrassing anecdotes of him as a teen? Likely. Still, none of them could place an answer that would get Pickles that worked up. He wasn't easy to irritate- at least, not that much
Toki glanced up at the TV, eyeing up the whiskey dripping down the screen. As it dribbled to the floor, he became aware of the lack of a crack, or any sort of breakage on the device. He pulled away from the circle, grabbing the remote and simply clicking play to the amazement of his peers
"-mail here. C'mon, help your fuckin' brother out here, Pickles," Seth's voice crackled to life once more, catching the attention of the rest of the band. Before continuing his speech, he cracked a small smile, sipping the can of beer in his hand as he stared daggers into the camera
"Or- heh, I guess I should call you Kelly. Mhm, thats right. Dethklok might not know, but I fuckin' do. If I dont get my money, they're gonna fuckin' find out. Everybody will"
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"Welcome back to the Dethklok Minute, folks! An exciting story today; Pickles the Drummer, a transgender man? I never saw that one coming, but a recent video from his brother confirms it! Apparently, due to this, the rate of transphobic comments in Dethklok-centric spaces are dropping like flies! But dont get your hopes up too much, viewers, we're all still waiting patiently for Pickles to give his statement on the matter, and to confirm if the rumourss are true. And that was the Dethklok Minute, folks!"
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"Pickles?" Nathan called to the door again, the rest of the band in tow, "Pickles! C'mon, man, open up!" They waited patiently for a response. Nothing. It had been a week since Seth sent the video, a week since any of them saw Pickles, a week since they learned about... y'know
"Pickle!" Toki whined as he leaned against the door, like some yearning chick in a rom-com, "It ams okay that you ams a goils now! You can stills play the drums supers good!"
"No- Toki, he used to be a girl. He isn't one anymore" Nathan growled, before knocking on the door again, "Open the door, Pickles."
"Scho, Pickles... y'know- we're pals, right? Scho, I gotta ask- do you still have- like, titsch? Did ya get 'em chopped off, or are ya just- like, really, really flat?" Murderface spat. It seemed like genuine interest on his face, replaced with panic when he saw the glare the frontman was giving him, "What?! Valid question! Hey, Pickles, do you still have a p-"
The door slammed open. There, the drummer stood; his wild serpent-green eyes had deep circles beneath them. His hair was a mess, his dreads getting frizzy and frayed. He wasn't wearing anything, save for a dirty pair of underwear. The scars adorning his chest, the ageing pinkish lines, held a different weight now. A far heavier one
"Shut the hell up, leave me the fuck alone!" He snapped as hard as he could, his hands balling into shaking fists
"Woah- Pickles, just calm-" Nathan began, before being cut off
"Woah, you look like schit, dude!" Murderface's eyes widened a little, looking Pickles up and down. Pickles tried not to think about how that gaze almost shamelessly landed on his crotch, then his chest, then back again. Bastard
"Pickle, ams you okays?" Toki's icy-blue eyes stayed trained on Pickles', "Does you wants anythings? Pizza? Hots chocolates?-"
"Can you guys just- just leave me alone?!" His voice broke slightly as he yelled, scratchy from disuse. Perhaps misuse, considering how much screaming and sobbing had been heard from inside for the past few days
"Pickles- we just wanted to know what was going on. I mean, you hid this from us for, uh... like, ages," Nathan stared at the ground. He didn't dare look into those wild eyes quite yet, he wasn't sure he was prepared for what they showed, "We just wanted to ask some questions. Well, uh, Skwisgaar did, anyway. And probably Murderface- I'll shut him up if he starts being a dildo, though"
Pickles stared at him. Then Toki, with that stupid concerned look on his face. Then Murderface, his permanent scowl looking something like curiosity. The type of curiosity one had when looking at a dinosaur bone, or a deformed animal. He swallowed how hollow the objectification made him feel. Then, he looked at Skwisgaar, and saw the plain confusion in his eyes. Nothing but bewilderment. Pickles sighed
"Go on. Ask. I know you wanna," He looked into Skwisgaar's eyes. He flinched a little when he realised, like he wasn't aware he was being perceived, "I'd rather ya just got it outta the way rather than... I dunno- lookin' at me all weird. Like Murderface" he added, with a little glare in the bassist's direction. He even attempted a small smile, but it fell into a flat line as he stared into the distance
Skwisgaar stared back at him. He gulped slightly, his fingers moving to hold the empty space where his guitar should've been. The absence of it in his arms made him feel more than a little queasy. He glanced at the ground for a second, taking a deep breath before he finally voiced his query
"What ams the points? Of the, uh... transkitions?" He picked up the pace of his playing, and stared at the floor. He took another second before continuing, "I mean, nobody wants to be a guys or a goils, so... what ams the points of all thats, just to still feels like shit?"
He could feel all the eyes on him, every inch of him, burning white-hot holes through his flesh, inescapable. He watched his friend's expression turn from reluctance, to confusion, to anger. Infact, he watched everyone's face go from confusion to anger. His own went from anxious curiosity to pure panic
Pickles' fists clenched, shaking again. So, so angry, Skwisgaar tried not to look at him in the eyes, or at all. He shouldn't have said anything
"What do you even mean- what?! What the fuck, Skwisgaar?!" The drummer spat, his chest rising and falling quicker than before, "That's it, that's fuckin' it! All of you, get the fuck outta here!" Then, the door was slammed shut again. After a whole week of desperately trying to get him out, he was gone again. All because of Skwisgaar. Nathan crossed his arms, Murderface rolled his eyes, even Toki looked angry
"Look what you fuckin' did, Skwisgaar. You can't ask shit like that" Nathan's growling penetrated the tense air, his eyes staring daggers into Skwisgaar's, "You know how long we've spent trying to get him to come out of his room, right? It's been, like, a whole week of knocking. We have concerts coming up, asshole"
"Yeah, Schkwischgaar, what the fuck? You can't aschk that schit! Scho inschenschitive..." Murderface scoffed and turned his nose up, like he was a rich aristocrat and Skwisgaar was a dirty peasant. He gulped as his eyes darted around for safety
"Oh, Skwisgaar, you ams so stupids!" Toki followed suit, his arms crossed and his face turned. His eyes kept darting between Murderface and Nathan, like he was waiting for them to react before he followed
"It ament's my fault! He tolds me to ask!-" Skwisgaar's hands were nearly sore from mock-strumming as he watched them leave. Probably to go and jack off or something. Stupid assholes, he thought, acting like they're really comfortable with that junk. He gulped as he watched them turn the corner, and thought for a moment.
He glanced at the door again, swallowing. He could hear yelling and crying being muffled from inside, and he was pretty sure he could hear drumsticks being snapped. He hesitantly reached out a hand to knock, but...
No. No sense in fucking anything else up
Instead, his hands returned to their concert-ready position. He pushed his confusion and upset deep down into the grossest, most rotten recesses of his body, and started traversing the winding corridors of Mordhaus back to his own room. Maybe he'd jack off and pretend he was comfortable with that junk
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Offdensen glanced at the four faces around the table. God, the tension was so thick it could've been cut with a knife. Even he didn't dare say anything
Skwisgaar was alone on the left side of the table, the other three chairs now ganged up on the right. Skwisgaar refused any eye contact, earning some form of scowl or dirty look whenever he glanced up
"...no Pickles today. Again. I see" Charles awkwardly cut through the cuttable tension, hoping for... something more than whatever was going on right then
"Oh, really? I'm scho glad you notisched, Charles! I wonder why? Anybody want to exschplain to Charles why Pickles ischn't here?" Murderface spat, his voice high and mocking. Skwisgaar had to restrain himself from doing anything more than glaring at him
"Well, uh... thank you, Murderface, but I'm already aware of the, uh... recent things we've come to learn about Pickles. Now, it's very important that you're all supportive about this-"
"Uh, yeah, Skwisgaar. Listen up" Nathan barked. Skwisgaar just huffed, attempting to keep his hands busy. He wasn't entirely sure he even remembered what song he was mock-playing
"...Anyway- despite how distressing these allegations were for Pickles, it's actually been extremely good for the, uh, transgender fans. The fans who are transgender, I mean."
"There ams more transformings people likes Pickle? Wowee!" Toki grinned. It was almost like he'd forgotten the grudge he was meant to be holding against the man opposite
"Now, uh, I can tell there's a lot of tension between you boys right now. That, and the lack of Pickles, means it's in our best interests to postpone any upcoming concerts. Are we all, uh, okay with that?"
A murmur of agreement was heard. Charles didn't move a muscle
"Well. I'll leave you all to sort things out between yourself. If you'll excuse me" He stood up, and opened the door. With a final glance at Skwisgaar, he shut it politely. All of a sudden, the eyes in the room were on Skwisgaar again
A few tense minutes passed before the door slammed open. There was their red-headed drummer, looking just slightly healthier than before. He still looked like shit, but he'd clearly made an effoet. He didn't stink of BO anymore, either, just booze. He was almost normal again. Normal enough. Toki grinned, getting up to hug him
"Woah- Woah, hey, Toki, calm down" He laughed nervously, patting him on the back
"We misseds you, Pickle! We were so worrieds!" He bounced up and down on his toes, ignoring the drummer's discomfort
"Uh, I waschn't worried! Toki'sch making it schound gay!" Murderface rolled his eyes. He was observing Pickles again, but stopped when he received a glare
"Yeah, me neither. We just needed you back for, uh, concert stuff. Y'know" Nathan didn't make any eye contact with Pickles for a second. He visibly untensed when their eyes met, though
Pickles' eyes turned to Skwisgaar, who quickly looked away. The drummer's eyes widened a little. Had he really made him think he was that pissed?
"Hey, Skwisgaar, buddy- you can look at me, it's alright"
He slowly looked up. Pickles took another step closer, much to the dismay of Nathan. His eyes met Skwisgaar, and he understood what they meant. Don't fuck this up. Don't fuck it all up again
"I actually wanted to talk to you, if that's okay? In private, man to man- or, uh... man to-"
"Yeuh, it ams man's to man's, you ams a man!" The blonde snapped, protective walls sprining up around himself. He looked at the rest of the band. He would never admit that he was more than a little desperate for their approval, after almost a week of isolation
"That's not what I meant, dude. C'mon, let's go ta your room. I'll, uh, talk to the rest of you guys in a bit, I've gotta sort this out first"
The hallways were a blur as he followed Pickles. His mind was on the song in his head, but the ringing in his ears overtook it. Why did they build such long hallways again? Actually, were they always this long? He spent far too long dwelling on that. Before he knew it, he was sat on his bed, in his room, with his guitar and his friend. Safe
"So... you wanteds to talks to me, Pickle? Ams this about... what I askeds you?"
"Yeah. Yeah, It is about that. I wanna say-"
"Well, I just wanteds to say-"
"I'm sorry" fell out of both their mouths in unison. Pickles didn't look too surprised, more just guilty. Skeisgaar, however, was dumbfounded. Why would Pickles need to apologise? He hadn't done anything wrong, Skwisgaar had. Skwisgaar had fucked it all up with some stupid question, so why was Pickles saying sorry?
"I'm sorry for yellin' at you, Skwisgaar. I was actin' like a douche 'cause of Seth outin' me- which, uh... I was real fuckin' pissed about, you gotta understand that- but... I've had some time ta think, and I've thought a lotta 'bout what you said. About you sayin' that nobody's comfortable as a chick or a dude, specifically" Pickles kept his eyes trained on the blonde. His expression was mostly neutral
Skwisgaar nodded a little, feeling the strings beneath his fingers to ground himself. It wasn't really working
"Listen ta me. I transitioned because I wasn't comfy as a girl, you got that part?" He waited for another nod before he continued, "but I am comfortable as a guy"
He paused momentarily, then reiterated, "Skwisgaar, most people are comfortable being dudes if they're born as dudes- or, uh, if they put a hell of a lot of time and money into becoming one. I didn't just do it for the shits and giggles is what I'm tryna say-"
"Are you... saying I ams... a goils?" He blinked. He was just so confused, it almost made him feel sick
"When you imagine being a chick, does it feel right?"
He blinked, and allowed his mind to wander. He imagined soft curves, hips that jutted out from a skinny frame, a more pronounced chest. The thought wasn't comforting. If anything, it was worse. It just put his mother back in his head
"...No"
"Exactly. When I was a girl as a kid, I'd imagine being a dude instead. It felt... amazing, honestly. It's called, uh, gender euphoria, or some shit... anyway- my point is, what yer goin' through isn't somethin' every guy goes through," He paused again, looking at the space between them for another moment. Then, his eyes returned to the panicked blues before him, "Skwisgaar... have ya ever heard of the term... non-binary?"
He blinked
"...ams that the secrets thirds gender?"
"Yeah. Basically"
He imagined that. An androgynous body, somewhere in the middle. Not to girly, but also not too boyish, but still something in the middle of both. He grimaced. God, something had to be seriously wrong with him if even getting out of being a boy or girl entirely also felt bad
"...I am sorries, Pickle, but that also is... uncomforktables. I am beginnings to think I ams simply-" He was paused by two strong hands digging into the pale flesh of his shoulders
"Don't. Don't ever say you're sick, or broken, or wrong, don't fuckin' say that, okay? Yer not anything like that," He snapped, drawing the other man's attention. Pickles waited until he'd calmed down a little to continue, "So, you don't wanna be... any gender? I think there's a word for that- like, agender or somethin'? It's like... you're not anythin', I think. You could go by, uh, they? Or it, I think-"
Skwisgaar would be the first to admit he'd never considered something like that. A total get-out-of-jail-free card? That sounded silly. Though, the more he thought about it... being able to live life as just... Skwisgaar? Not a man, not a woman, not the secret third one he'd already forgotten the name of, no nothing? Just a person?
"That sound good, huh, Skwisgaar?" Pickles smirked. He hadn't missed the way his friend's eyes lit up. They looked at eachother with a new understanding
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Nathan, Murderface and Toki looked up as the door opened once more. There stood Pickles, with Skwsigaar in tow. Nathan raised an eyebrow, but remained quiet
"So, what happeneds? Did he apologises to yous?" Toki asked as Pickles sat beside him
"Actually, I apologised to them. I said sorry for not takin' what they said seriously. And, uh... well, they have somethin' they wanna tell you now"
"They? Scho- who elsche did you apolgische to?"
"Guys." Skwisgaar interrupted the train of confusion they knew was coming. They took a deep breath, "Me and Pickle had a talks, and he tolds me some... things. I am experimentkings with they and them pronouns rights now- and I, uh... identifies as agender. I ams tryings it out right now, so Pickle said I should tells you alls..." they braced themselves for a reaction. A few moments of silence passed
"They and them?" Nathan said to himself, trying to get used to the idea himself. His eyes met Skwisgaar briefly, before going back to his nails
"Scho you're multiple fucking people now, Schkwischgaar? What the fuck?!" Murderface spat. It'd been annoying enough to understand how Pickles gender worked, he couldn't be bothered to deal with this
"That ament's what theys ams sayings, Moidaface! He- They ams saying... uh...-" Toki trailed off, looking to Pickles and Skwisgaar for guidance. He wanted to help, he really did
"They're saying, that they exist outside the gender binary-" Pickles stood firmly, his confident tone betraying the fact that he was trying to remember what answer the search engine had given, "but, uh, it's still Skwisgaar! He- They're still, uh, the same guy, just... y'know, not a guy"
Silence. The sound pierced Skwisgaar's ears as they tried not to react. Maybe they shouldn't have said anything. After all, they managed to stay pretending to be a man for the last three and a half decades, what was the rest of their life?
They were snapped out of that train of thought by pure muscle wrapping itself around their body. Toki beamed at them
"That ams so cools, Skwisgaar! You should gets a badge with your pronouns on it, so that everybody gets it rights!" Now, that actually wasn't too bad of an idea
"Uh... I guess that's cool" Nathan shrugged, "as long as you still shred, I guess it doesn't really matter"
"Uh, yesch it doesch matter!-" After looking around the room, Murderface stumbled over his words, "or- uh, y'know, I guessch it'sch fine- thanksch for lettin' us know, man- no, wait-"
Toki's eyes widened when he felt Skwisgaar hug back. Even more so when he felt their head against his neck. He didn't bring it up, though. Nobody did