Chapter Text
Nick has never been more proud of his bowling skills.
He’s always beaten his mates every time they go bowling, and he gloats every time, but it never really matters. Harry Greene will give him a congratulatory thump on the back that actually stings, the lads will cheer and then grumble, while Sai, Otis, and Christian roll their eyes and tease him for being superhumanly good at sports.
But that pales in comparison to Charlie Spring, the most beautiful human being Nick has ever laid his eyes on, putting a hand on his arm and flirting with him. According to Charlie, Nick has strong rugby arms, an unfair advantage. Nick feels something warm bloom in his chest, and teases Charlie back about how he thought Charlie liked his arms. Nick has no idea how to flirt, no idea about how to date, in general, but Charlie makes him think he’s doing alright. More than alright, actually.
Isaac asks if they’re up for another round, breaking Nick and Charlie’s bubble. Nick has half a second to think about how much he wants to win again to impress Charlie even more before Charlie says he needs the bathroom and heads off.
A few seconds later, Tao says something tersely to Elle and then follows him. Probably to tell Charlie about how horrible Nick is.
Nick feels suddenly bereft. He doesn’t know Charlie’s friends well, though he and Elle had a geography class together last year. She probably doesn’t think well of him. Nick remembers that she was one of the poor Truham students that Harry liked to throw things at. He can understand why she’s hesitant around him.
Nick asks Isaac about the book he’s reading as a way to pass the time. Isaac is strangely accommodating to him, and he happily tells Nick about all the characters in the novel he’s been glued to most of the afternoon.
Nick feels fond of Isaac already. He’s quiet, but kind. Isaac also doesn’t care about what anyone thinks about him, taking a book with him wherever he goes. With anyone else, it might come across as rude. But Nick has watched Isaac be engaged in the game and cheer on his friends, book in hand all the while. Everyone understands that this is part of who Isaac is, and they accept him for it without question.
It feels incredible to Nick. He’s spent one afternoon with them and it already feels so different from what he’s used to.
Nick thinks about going to get some food, and offering to buy Isaac and Elle something while he’s at it. Hopefully bringing them some food might endear him to them, even if only slightly. It’ll also give him a moment to breathe and regroup himself. He still feels adrift without Charlie here to anchor him.
People believe that Nick must love socializing. He’s popular, and a rugby lad, after all. It feels natural to assume that parties would be his natural habitat.
In truth, he finds them overwhelming at the best of times and excruciating at the worst. It’s not that he doesn’t ever find them fun, but his social battery tends to run out quickly. Even here, with a small group of four, he feels stretched thin. Especially because they know each other so well, and he’s an outsider encroaching on their close knit friendship group.
He’s about to make the offer when Elle speaks up.
“I’m going to get a can of coke,” she says. “Do either of you want something?”
Nick almost offers to go instead, but Elle looks nervous. She’s been glancing in the direction of the bathrooms apprehensively. So Nick declines her offer politely while Isaac requests a can of coke, handing her some money to buy it.
He and Isaac talk about books while the rest of the group are gone. Isaac seems surprised that Nick likes to read non-fiction, enjoying books about sports but also about history and social issues. Nick knows it’s not what people expect from a rugby lad, but it feels good to be able to talk about his interests. Nick knows that both Sai and Otis like to read, but for some reason they never talk to each other about it. No one wants to appear “nerdy” around Harry Greene.
Eventually, Charlie, Tao, and Elle come back. Charlie and Tao hold themselves stiffly, which doesn’t bode well for whatever they talked about. Elle looks between them apprehensively. But they don’t look angry at each other, with the way Charlie smiles at Tao softly when he declares he's never going to go bowling again.
“Hi!” Nick immediately heads over to Charlie, eager to strike up another conversation, maybe even to flirt again.
“Hi.” Charlie frowns at Nick, and bites his lip. Nick’s heart sinks. Everything was alright when Charlie left, and now Charlie’s looking at Nick like he’s a stranger. Nick smiles at Charlie, hoping it looks natural, and then backs off. He catches Tao scowling at him.
They play another round. This time, Nick comes in third behind Elle and Charlie, who take first and second respectively. Charlie is so surprised at doing so well that he does an adorable victory dance with Elle and Tao. Nick wants to kiss him so badly, but Charlie barely glances at him.
Afterwards, they go to the arcade. Charlie spends most of his time with Tao and Elle. Nick tries to win Charlie a prize, but he runs out of money without success.
How did things fall apart so quickly?
Nick aches. He longs to ask Charlie what he did wrong, but he also doesn’t want to make things worse. Charlie seems to want space from him, and Nick wants to respect that.
Then Nick looks at the time, and realizes that he has to leave now if he’s going to make it in time for his date with Imogen.
Christ.
Nick has somehow forgotten that he’s going on a date with one of his oldest friends tonight. A date that he very much doesn’t want to go on, but couldn’t find a way out of. Not when Imogen asked him about it in front of the rugby team, who would have been confused had he said no, and not when Imogen was grieving her dog. He couldn’t disappoint her and their mates.
But Nick doesn’t want to go. He wants to stay here, find out why Charlie is suddenly so distant, and fix things. He wants to stay with Charlie.
He thinks about texting Imogen that he can’t make it, and arranging a time to meet with her to explain in more detail.
Then Nick remembers her face when she told him her dog had died, and feels his stomach twist. He’s already disappointed Charlie today. The least he can do is show up for Imogen.
It’s still incredibly difficult to walk up to Charlie and pull him away from his friends. Tao glares at him, and Nick deserves it.
“I have to go,” Nick says haltingly, scratching the back of his head. Charlie frowns, shifting slightly. Nick hates how sad he looks. Charlie shouldn’t be sad on his birthday. “I have — I have somewhere else to go. I’m sorry to leave early, I had a great time with you today. I liked meeting your friends. I wanted to give you your gift before I leave.”
Nick hands over the gift bag to Charlie, hating how stilted this feels. This isn’t them. Nick’s chest feels tight as Charlie takes the gift. He smiles at Nick, but it’s not bright and open and joyful like it usually is.
“Thank you,” says Charlie. “You really didn’t have to get me anything.”
“I wanted to,” Nick insists, because he’d happily buy Charlie the moon and stars if he could. “Thank you for letting me celebrate your birthday with you, Charlie. I hope you keep having a wonderful birthday and I’ll see you in form on Monday.” Nick gives Charlie a wan smile and begins to turn away.
“Nick.” Charlie’s voice sounds hesitant; questioning. It’s as if he wants to say something to Nick. But when Nick turns back to Charlie, he shakes his head and smiles at Nick. “Have a good day, Nick. Thank you for coming.”
Tao pulls on Charlie’s arm and then Charlie’s turning away from Nick, who takes the opportunity to leave before things get even more awkward. Nick hasn’t known Charlie for long, but he never imagined that things could be so formal with him. The way they were just exchanging pleasantries — it’s as if Nick doesn’t know what it’s like to kiss Charlie, to hold his hand, to make him laugh.
Nick thinks about the picture he’s gifting Charlie. He remembers decorating the frame with stickers, looking at him and Charlie lying together in the snow, on one of the best days he’s ever had. Charlie looks beautiful and happy, and Nick is looking at him, utterly besotted. God, Nick can’t believe he hadn’t realized he had a crush right then. His feelings for Charlie are obvious. He hopes that Charlie will see the picture and realize how deeply Nick cares for him.
Was Nick really going to go on this date with Imogen?
Nick fights the urge to turn back and beg Charlie to tell him what’s wrong, to come clean about this date. Charlie will probably be angry. The last thing Nick wants to do is hurt Charlie.
But if he doesn’t go, what will Imogen think? What will his mates think? Will they be suspicious, would he make trouble for Imogen? The gossip mill at Truham was relentless, and everyone was invested in him and Imogen. It makes sense. The two of them have been friends since year seven, and they get along well. Imogen is sweet, and funny. She has a tendency to speak without thinking, sometimes, but Nick knows that she’s much smarter than she lets on to their friend group. Sometimes, when Harry is being obnoxious, or the lads become unbearable, he and Imogen will look at each other and commiserate.
If it wasn’t for Charlie, Nick thinks he’d like to go on a date with Imogen. Not because he likes her that way, but because spending time with her would be fun, and he knows they’d be the talk of the school if they were a couple. Their mates would approve. That approval meant that they wouldn’t scrutinize everything he does, and maybe the added popularity points would give him the ability to tell Harry not to chuck his sandwich at an unsuspecting year seven trying to find somewhere to sit in the cafeteria.
But Charlie Spring exists, and he’s in Nick’s life, and Nick can’t imagine losing him.
God. He’s fucking this up.
Nick knows that, deep in his bones.
He still goes to Nandos.
Imogen looks beautiful in a baby pink dress and a white cardigan. She’s already in the restaurant when Nick arrives, and her face lights up when she sees him, practically squealing with delight.
Nick forces a smile, opening his arms as she jumps up to wrap him in a hug. It’s just Imogen, he tells himself. It’s just a night with an old friend. He can have a good time, and then tell her that he’s not interested in her that way. At least he won’t have entirely let her down.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Imogen is saying, sounding radiant. She pulls back and smiles brightly at Nick. “I’m so excited. All my girls have been messaging me about this date all day.”
“Glad to be here,” Nick says. He hopes he doesn’t sound too stiff.
They sit down, and an awkward silence falls. Usually, Nick has no problem talking with Imogen. He finds it easier to talk to her than most of their friends, if he’s honest. But he has no idea what to say to her right now. She seems to have similar qualms, fidgeting slightly in her chair.
After a minute, Imogen starts talking about the latest tv show she’s binge watching. Nick listens to her rail against the poor writing of its women, how they’re stories revolve around the men in their lives. Nick listens, giving Imogen a nod here and there to show her he’s listening. Imogen is much smarter than their friend group gives her credit for. She’s bubbly, and sometimes doesn’t think before she speaks — but Nick knows that she cares deeply about feminism, politics, and climate change. He loves it whenever Imogen feels comfortable enough to share that part of herself with him.
Nick doesn’t think any of their other friends have any idea Imogen cares about anything other than her popularity status.
A waitress with bright red hair comes to take their order, smiling at them. She must serve a lot of teenagers on dates — Nandos is a popular spot amongst the Truham-Higgs crowd. They give her their orders, and she leaves them with a comment about how cute they are. Imogen beams. Nick shifts uncomfortably. His mind turns to Charlie.
What would it be like to bring Charlie here? Did Charlie like Nandos? He imagines Charlie sitting in Imogen’s spot, and it makes him feel warm, and then a heavy sense of guilt.
What the fuck is he doing here, on a date with Imogen, when he has Charlie?
Nick hasn’t even taken Charlie on a date yet.
Something in Nick’s chest tightens, and he takes a deep breath. He’s fucked up. He’s fucked everything up.
Imogen must notice a change in Nick’s expression because she stops talking — he thinks it was something about someone named Sahar? — and asks what’s wrong.
“I —” Nick starts, and stops. The panic is thrumming under Nick’s skin, making his blood rush, his heart drum.
“What is it, Nicholas?” Imogen looks concerned, her brows furrowed.
“I can’t do this!” He says abruptly, and Imogen flinches at his tone. Nick takes a deep breath, reminds himself to speak calmly, and continues. “I’m sorry, Immy. I didn’t want to disappoint you, I didn’t want to hurt you. But I can’t be here —- I can’t do this. It’s not right.”
“What do you mean?” Imogen says. She sounds hurt, and somehow, curious. It’s a strange combination, but Nick is relieved that she doesn’t seem angry. At least, not yet.
“I don’t — I don’t like you like that,” Nick blurts. His heart continues to thrum in his chest as he watches her face fall. “I’m sorry Imogen, you’re a really nice person, and a really good friend, and I don’t want to hurt you, but I’m not interested in this.”
Imogen takes a deep breath, closing her eyes. She looks like she’s fortifying herself.
“Why did you agree to come on this date if you don’t like me like that?”
It’s a fair question. Nick can’t make sense of it himself at the moment.
“I didn’t know how to say no,” Nick says pleadingly. “You asked me out in front of all our mates, and then your dog died and I didn’t want to make your week worse —”
“So you made a fool of me?” Imogen asks. She sounds angry now. Nick wishes the ground would open up and swallow him whole.
“I didn’t want to hurt you, Immy.” Nick sounds desperate. He realizes, with sudden clarity, that Imogen is perhaps the only friend in their friend group that he doesn’t want to lose. And here he is, on the brink of losing her.
“Well, you’ve hurt me now.” Imogen sounds bitter. It’s a tone he hasn’t heard from her before. “And if you’d kept on pretending to be interested in me, you’d have hurt me worse.”
“I’m sorry,” Nick says weakly. “I didn’t mean to.”
“I think you should leave.” Imogen looks like she’s about to cry. Nick feels like the worst person in the world.
“I’m sorry,” he offers plaintively. Imogen doesn’t look at him, bowing her head and staring at her lap. Nick gets up and leaves, pulling out his phone to text his mom to pick him up early.
When Nick closes the door of the Nandos, he realizes that he should have told the staff that he was leaving. He’s left Imogen to explain his sudden absence, to cancel the order, or to pack up and pay for the food.
He’s too afraid to turn back now. He’ll make it up to Imogen.
Somehow.
If she ever wants to talk to him again after this.
His mum pulls up a few minutes later. She’d gone to the nearby mall to shop while Imogen and Nick had their date.
“Alright, Nicky?” She asks as he slides into the passenger seat. Nick nods, fastening his seat belt. He doesn’t look at her. A few days ago she’d told him not to go on a date with Imogen because he felt sorry for her. He hadn’t listened.
His mum has always been good at knowing when not to push. She squeezes his shoulder and pulls out of the parking lot, talking idly about how her work week had been, and her patients. Nick closes his eyes and listens to his mum fill the silence.
Once they get home Nick makes his way to his room. He changes into his pajamas robotically, flopping into bed. He opens his phone. No messages from Charlie. Nick opens his photo app and scrolls through the pictures from that afternoon he spent with Charlie in the snow.
Charlie is beautiful. He’s truly the most beautiful person he’s ever seen, and his smile — Charlie Spring smiling is the best thing in the universe. Nick thinks he would join the circus, go sky diving, cross the ocean to make Charlie smile the way he did that afternoon.
But Nick just went on a date with someone else on Charlie’s birthday.
Nick doesn’t stop himself from crying. He nuzzles his head into his pillow, trying to muffle the sound of his sobs, but if shoulders heave with it, the grief of hurting the best person he’s ever known.
It’s a grief, and a guilt, that weighs down on him, wraps around him like chains, and doesn’t let him go all night long.
In the morning, Nick gets up and gets ready in a haze. He feels like a stranger to himself.
Then again, has Nick ever really known who he is to begin with?
His mum said he was more himself with Charlie. He’d like to believe that. He never thought he would ever do something like this, though.
Nick makes toast and jam for breakfast, thinking about what to do. His head still throbs and his throat aches from crying himself to sleep. There’s a part of him that wants to pretend everything is alright, and to do nothing at all. He could message Charlie as usual, act like he just went home or spent time with his mum after he left.
But Nick suspects the news of his and Imogen’s failed date will spread through Truham like wildfire. Everyone has been gossiping about them, and Imogen asked him out in front of all their mates — it’s not a secret that he and Imogen had a date, and when they go back to school tomorrow and are not a couple — when they probably aren’t even speaking to each other, people will notice.
It’s a miracle that Charlie didn’t hear about the date before Saturday. There’s no way that he won’t hear about it now.
Nick sighs. He takes his toast and cup of tea to the table and sinks down into his chair. There’s a heaviness in the air, and in his chest.
He eats his breakfast in a hurry, then goes back to his room. His mum already knows something is wrong, he doesn’t want to worry her more.
Sitting on his bed, he unhooks his phone from his charger. No texts from Imogen. No texts from Charlie. He takes a deep breath, and texts Imogen.
Nick (9:15 am): I’m so sorry, Immy. I fucked up. I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, but one day I hope you’ll let me explain. Whenever you’re ready.
Imogen reads the text right away, but Nick isn’t expecting a response. He’s surprised when Imogen starts typing, three small dots appearing at the bottom of the chat. His heart races as he waits.
Imogen (9:16 am): Thanks Nick. I do want to be your friend, and I’m sorry too. I need some time to process this, and some other things, but I do want to talk to you about this too. Maybe we can have some space for a bit until then?
Nick breathes. It’s not good, but it’s not the complete rejection he’d been anticipating. Imogen doesn’t want to stop being friends, she just wants space. He can give her that. Honestly, Nick thinks he needs some space himself. Imogen is a sweetheart, but some of her advances made him uncomfortable. It didn’t really feel true to her, or considerate of what he was comfortable with. Especially when Imogen made him dance with her despite his discomfort, or when she asked him out in front of all their mates. He’s not mad at her —- Imogen always means well. It would be good, nonetheless, to let the awkwardness of the past few weeks fade before they talk, to reconcile and rebuild a friendship that’s been going strong since year seven.
Nick (9:18 am): Of course we can have space. I’m glad that you still want to be my friend. I care about you a lot, even though I did a poor job of showing that last night. You can text me when you’re ready to talk and I know a good park we can go to.
Imogen sends back a heart.
It’s the best Nick could have hoped for. He pushes down a surge of sadness, telling himself that he and Imogen will be alright, before he opens his chat with Charlie. Their last texts are from yesterday morning, with Charlie double checking that Nick was coming.
Nick remembers how happy Charlie had looked to see him, how he sounded relieved that Nick had come, as if he’d been expecting him not to. Had Charlie been expecting Nick to stand him up? Nick feels sick at the thought that Charlie believed Nick would do that to him.
But then Nick had left his birthday early to go on a date with another person.
Fuck.
Nick needs to talk to Charlie. He needs to make this right.
Nick (9:21 am): Hey Charlie. Sorry I had to leave early yesterday, I hope you liked my present and I hope you had a great birthday. I had a lot of fun and your friends are so cool. I have something I want to talk to you about today. Do you think we could meet at the park in half an hour or so?
Nick sends the text, biting his tongue. It’s not how he usually texts Charlie, but it feels wrong to be casual and act like nothing is wrong. He waits a few agonizing minutes before Charlie reads his text and starts typing out a response.
Three dots appear, then disappear. Appear, disappear. It’s a familiar rhythm by now — Charlie constantly overthinks his texts. It’s endearing. In person, Charlie isn’t overly careful with his words, not unless there’s reason to be. Over text, Charlie considers his words with extreme care, as if terrified of typing the wrong thing. As long as the dots keep appearing — as long as Charlie keeps typing, everything is fine. It’s when Charlie stops typing altogether and gives up that there’s a problem.
It still makes Nick anxious.
Finally, Charlie’s response comes through.
Charlie (9:25 am): hi nick. i had fun with you yesterday! i am free to meet at the park in an hour
It’s short and to the point. Nick wonders what Charlie spent so long typing and deleting. Was he deciding on a response, or was he writing to Nick about his feelings about Nick leaving early, about the date with Imogen? Either way, Nick will try his best to get Charlie to express those feelings today. He wants to know how much he’s hurt Charlie.
The hour passes slowly. Nick spends some time petting Nellie, talking to her gently about this mess. Nellie is a good listener, quietly letting Nick run his fingers through her fur. Nick doesn’t know what he did to deserve her.
Eventually, he packs a bag, clips on Nellie’s leash, says goodbye to his mum, and heads out to the park. Charlie deserves some Nellie cuddles too. Charlie deserves everything good in the world. Nick doesn’t know much about anything, but he knows that.
When Nick gets there, Charlie is already waiting. He’s sitting in front of a large log, looking at his phone. Nick takes a moment to look at him. He’s so beautiful, even doing something as mundane as scrolling through his instagram feed. Nick could never in a million years want to be with anyone else.
Charlie looks up and sees him. He smiles, but it’s a diminished smile — Nick doesn’t know when he learned the difference between Charlie’s smiles, but the one he gives Nick isn’t the polite one he gives Mr. Lange or the fake one he gives some students in their form group, but it’s not the easygoing, genuine smile Charlie gave Nick and his friends yesterday, or the bright, sunny smile Charlie gave Nick the morning they met. It’s a tentative, timid smile that makes Nick want the ground to open up beneath him.
“Hi,” Charlie says, and his voice is more reserved than usual. Charlie has his walls up, Nick realizes. It makes Nick’s chest ache, but he understands. Nick would do the same, if their roles were reversed. Not that Nick could ever imagine Charlie ending up in this situation.
“Hi,” Nick says, giving Charlie what he hopes is a reassuring smile. He hands Nellie’s leash to Charlie, who greets her with a kiss to her snout. Nick loves how gentle Charlie is with her, loves the gentle voice he uses when he talks to her. Nick unpacks a blanket, lays it out, and he and Charlie lie down next to each other. It’s something they’ve taken to doing these past few months. Nick loves it. He feels safe, and at home, when Charlie is next to him.
Nellie settles against Charlie, cuddling into his side. Nick watches as Charlie strokes the top of her head. Is it pathetic to be jealous of his own dog?
Charlie tells Nick about how the rest of his birthday party had gone. Isaac apparently knew how to win a lot of coins, Tao was born to kill aliens, and Elle made them all use the dance machine and outdanced them all. It sounded like fun. If Nick hadn't left, he would have tried to win Charlie a stuffed toy and they could have played Mario Kart. He’d have tried his best, but Charlie would have beaten him as he always does, and it would make him smile and it would be beautiful and Nick would think, as he always does, that he’s the real winner after all.
Nick longs to live in the alternate universe where he got to live that version of Charlie’s fifteenth birthday.
“I loved your present,” Charlie says, out of the blue. “It was very sweet.”
Something warm blossoms within Nick. It was probably childish, with all the stickers, but Charlie liked it. Nick can read Charlie more easily than he can anyone else, aside from his mum, and he can tell that the smile Charlie gives him is genuine.
“That was one of the best days ever,” Nick tells Charlie softly. “I wanted to give you something to remember it by.”
“Thank you,” Charlie says, voice as soft as Nick’s. Charlie turns to Nellie, giving her a kiss.
A silence falls over them.
It’s not uncomfortable. But it’s not companionable.
As the silence continues, Nick realizes that Charlie is leaving it to him to address the elephant in the room. Which is fair. Nick’s the one who messed up, he shouldn’t leave it to Charlie to start this conversation. Charlie needs to trust that Nick’s going to be brave enough to own up to his own actions, to face the difficult moments, no matter how much he hates confrontation.
He just hopes this doesn’t end up in a fight. He hopes he’s not about to lose Charlie.
When Nick was ten years old, he once stole a small figurine of a golden retriever from a neighbour. It was on their porch, adorable. Nick didn’t want to steal it, he just wanted to play with it. He was going to return it that very day, and Amelia spent most weekends out socializing or doing whatever single thirty something did on weekends. His mum called her a “social butterfly.” So Nick thought it would be no problem to play with it for a while. He knew he shouldn’t take anything belonging to someone else without permission, but it was so cute. David would take it if he wanted to.
But of course, that’s the afternoon Nick had to trip and fall while racing home— he doesn’t even remember what it was that he tripped on — and he’d ended up with a scraped knee and the poor golden retriever shattered into pieces. He’d gathered up the pieces best he could in his backpack and brought it home in tears.
His mum had doted on him, at first, washing his knee and tending to it with care and love. But after she was done with treating his injury and giving him cuddles, she had explained that Nick had been careless. That it was not just that the golden retriever hadn’t been his, and hadn’t been a toy, and that Nick hadn’t asked for permission, though that was all part of it. It was that Amelia had put the golden retriever on her porch for a reason. Maybe because she liked it and thought it was cute, because she wanted to communicate to others that she loved dogs, or that it meant something to her in a way that only she knew. Maybe she put some thought into it, maybe not. But when Nick took it from her without her permission, when he decided to run with it despite knowing it was fragile, he hadn’t only been careless with the figurine — he had been careless with Amelia.
Nick had cried, and his mum had given him a hug, told him she loved him, that everything would be okay and a genuine apology and a promise to never do it again went a long way. And it had. Amelia had forgiven him easily, had even given him a cookie she’d baked for a party.
The feeling had stayed with Nick, though, the pain of being careless with another human. Nick thinks he’s been careless with Charlie. Careless with Imogen, too. And maybe even careless with himself.
Nick takes a breath, savours the last second before he shatters — something. His hopes? The unexpected trajectory he thought his life was going on? Charlie? Himself?
He breathes out.
Closes his eyes.
“I went on a date with Imogen yesterday. After I left.”
Silence.
Nick is too frightened to open his eyes.
The minutes drag on, and then —
“Oh.” Charlie says it softly, like an exhalation. There isn’t surprise. He already knew. Nick feels a pressure in his chest. It gives Nick the courage to open his eyes, sit up, and keep talking, because he wants — needs — Charlie to know what happened.
“I’m so sorry!” Nick says desperately. “She asked me out at the rugby match, in front of all our mates, and I said yes because I didn’t know how to say no. And then her dog died, and I didn’t want to hurt her, and then I didn’t know how to get out of it, so I just….went.”
Charlie’s expression is blank, but there’s a slight crinkle between his eyebrows.
“You just went?”
“Yes,” Nick says, knowing it sounds ridiculous. Knowing it’s the truth. “I didn’t know what to do. So I went.”
Charlie sits up, pulling his knees to his chest, wrapping an arm around them. It looks like he’s making himself smaller. Protecting himself, Nick thinks sadly. Nellie sits up too, staying close to Charlie, and looking at Nick as if to ask him why this precious, sweet boy is sad.
“What happened?” Charlie sounds so afraid when he asks. He puts an arm around Nellie, holding her close. It breaks Nick’s heart.
“I was hoping to be honest with her on the date, that I don’t like her like that,” Nick begins, wanting to make his lack of romantic feelings for Imogen clear. “Turns out, that happened sooner than later. It felt so wrong being there, and I just blurted out that I wasn’t interested in her like that before the food had even arrived. She was really mad at me.”
“I’m sorry,” Charlie sounds like he’s on the verge of tears. Nick feels like laughing, because one of the worst moments of Nick’s life was when he had pulled Ben Hope off Charlie, and Charlie had looked at him, face still wet with tears, minutes after being sexually assaulted, and had apologized. And now, when Nick has made a terrible mistake, Charlie is the one saying sorry, because Nick had faced some of the consequences of his own actions — of his own cowardice.
“What are you sorry for?” Nick asks. His voice sounds rough to his own ears. “I got myself into this mess. I’m the one who’s sorry, Charlie. I never should have agreed to go on a date with someone else, let alone actually go.”
Charlie closes his eyes, and is quiet for a minute.
“I can understand,” Charlie says quietly. “I don’t know what I would have done, if someone asked me out in front of a group of people who expected me to say yes and would have judged me for saying no. I’ve noticed that the rugby lads' opinions mean a lot to you, and you go along with things you aren’t comfortable with to make them happy. And I know you care a lot about people and I can understand you didn’t want to hurt Imogen after she was grieving for her dog.”
Nick wants to cry. Of course, Charlie understands. Charlie understands Nick better than anyone other than his mum. Of course, Charlie has seen how Nick acts around his rugby mates. He remembers being in the locker room with the lads going on about his crush on Tara in the past and Imogen’s crush on him and how he had two girls vying for his attention. It had been annoying, but Nick had given in and agreed with them that he had an opportunity, as he always did. Except he’d turned around and met Charlie’s eyes. Charlie hadn’t said anything to him, or judged him, but Charlie had known that he was uncomfortable, and that he’d gone along with the team, anyway.
It was uncomfortable, being seen that way. But comforting, to be seen and not left.
“Thank you for understanding,” Nick says gently. “I appreciate that. I just — you must have more feelings about it. I did go on a date with someone else while I was seeing you. And I did it on your birthday, after spending the afternoon bowling with you and your friends. I never said a word to you about it.”
“I knew,” says Charlie, staring down at his feet, stroking a hand over Nellie’s back. He’s barely looked at Nick’s direction since Nick confessed to going on the date. “Tao overheard you agree to the date with Imogen at the match. He told me when he came to talk to me in the bathroom.”
It slots in place for Nick. Charlie had been happy while they were bowling. Then Tao had told him what Nick had done, and he’d come back cold and aloof, probably feeling terribly betrayed and hurt. Charlie had watched Nick leave his birthday early, knowing exactly where he was going. Nick feels as if he’s being torn apart.
“I’m so sorry, Charlie,” Nick says. It feels empty.
“I could have said something to you,” Charlie says. “I could have stopped you from going, or at least let you know that I knew. You looked so pale when you left, but I — I just didn’t know what to do. I was scared. I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t apologize,” Nick begs him. “I knew something was up when you and Tao came back, but it wasn’t your responsibility to stop me. I should have talked to you.”
“Why didn’t you?” Charlie asks, and there’s a slight bite to his tone. Nick deserves it, and so much worse.
“I know I should have,” Nick starts. He longs to touch Charlie, to lay a hand on his arm, but it feels as if he’s lost that right. At least Nellie is still cuddled up to Charlie. He’s rarely seen her this patient with anyone before. “At first, I thought I’d be able to get out of it, and I could tell you afterwards. And then I was terrified of hurting you, and honestly, I was scared of you thinking badly about me.”
Charlie looks at Nick, then. His eyes are wet, his body is tense.
“I don’t think badly of you, Nick.” Charlie says, and Nick believes him. “I know you were in a difficult situation. But I feel really hurt that you went on the date.”
“Charlie, nothing happened,” Nick rushes to say, but Charlie shakes his head. He turns to Nick, facing him directly. Nick falls silent, and waits for whatever Charlie is about to say. It feels like his heart is hanging in the balance.
“I know nothing happened, Nick, I believe you. And it’s not like we’re officially dating or anything.”
Nick fights to keep his face neutral and not show the hurt he feels at Charlie’s words. It’s true, Nick realizes, they’ve never confirmed that they’re dating. But Nick had thought they were, or at least, were headed there. Going on a date with Imogen was a betrayal, regardless of whether it was official or not. Nick had treated the situation as if it was about him and Imogen. He hadn’t thought about Charlie, beyond the panic of the date being on the same day as Charlie’s birthday. It was like he’d compartmentalized Imogen and Charlie in his mind. Nick longs to say that to Charlie, but he knows that declarations of affection won’t mean much given the topic at hand.
“I still did something bad,” Nick says instead. “You’re allowed to feel hurt that I went on a date with someone else. You’re allowed to feel however you want to feel about it. I’m so sorry, Charlie.”
Charlie takes a breath, looking as if he’s fortifying himself. Nellie climbs up into his lap, and he presses a kiss to her head. Nick could use some Nellie cuddles himself, but he’s glad that she’s comforting Charlie. Especially when Nick can’t. Especially when Charlie needs comfort because of something Nick did.
“It does bother me that you went on the date,” Charlie says after a moment. “I don’t think you were cheating, or anything, I believe you that you wanted to tell her you weren’t interested. But you still went on the date, without talking to me, or even trying to. On my birthday. And you haven’t even taken me on a date. You didn’t mean to hurt me, but you did.”
For a second, Nick imagines himself on a date with Charlie. At a restaurant, or an arcade, or a beach. Charlie would look beautiful, because he’s always beautiful, and Nick would get to spend hours with Charlie, just the two of them, and they’d be happy. Nick hadn’t thought of them going on a date before — it was all too new for him to think about it — but the second Charlie mentions it, Nick feels sick with regret.
“I’m sorry,” Nick says, because that’s all he can think of to say. “I never wanted to hurt you, ever.” It was true. Hurting Charlie is the worst feeling in the world.
“I know,” Charlie says softly. “I know you didn’t want to. I just — I feel like I just got out of a relationship where my feelings didn’t matter, where I had no control, and I just let myself be treated awfully. I can’t do that again.”
“Oh,” Nick says, and it hits him like a ton of bricks. Ben had cheated on Charlie, had dated a girl the whole time and never said a word. Then Nick had gone on a date with a girl while seeing Charlie. A sick, cold feeling washes over Nick. He feels like digging a hole and never coming out.
“You’re not like Ben!” Charlie says, likely seeing Nick’s stricken expression. He reaches over Nellie, and takes Nick’s hand. For some reason, this makes Nick feel worse. “You’re nothing like him. Ben cheated on me because he didn’t care about me, because he didn’t want to be with me, because he was terrified of his own feelings. You got caught up in an uncomfortable situation you didn’t ask for, and you never cheated on me. But you did cross a boundary, and I want to stand up for myself, because if we’re going to work, we need to respect each other.”
Nick squeezes Charlie’s hand, and presses a kiss to Charlie’s knuckles.
“I always want you to stand up for yourself,” he tells Charlie. “I never want you to hide your feelings.”
“I know,” Charlie whispers. “I never could have said anything like this to Ben. It would have been too dangerous. Nick, I care about you so much, and I’m not angry. Not really. But I think we need to pause this.”
Nick freezes. Icy dread takes root in his stomach, and sprouts up to his chest.
“What do you mean?” His voice shakes with fear. He doesn’t know why he’s surprised. He knew this was a possibility.
“I don’t want to break up with you,” Charlie says. He’s holding onto Nick with one hand and to Nellie with another. “But I think you need time to think about whether you’re ready for a relationship, or even to date someone. You’re going through a lot with figuring out your sexuality, and questioning things, and I think you need time to process things and to be sure whether you want to be with me or not.”
Nick wants to argue. He knows he wants to be with Charlie. Everything else in Nick’s life is confusing, but Charlie never has been. But what right does Nick have to argue against Charlie, when Nick had gone on a date and created this situation?
“Are you breaking up with me?” Nick asks. It takes everything in him to not start crying there and then. He squeezes Charlie’s hand. Charlie squeezes back.
“Not quite,” Charlie says. He sounds close to tears himself. “I still want to be your friend, to be there for you and support you. I still want to be with you in the future. But I need you to be sure about this, about me.”
“Charlie, I am sure,” Nick whispers, because Charlie needs to know that Nick has never doubted whether he wants to be with him. “I was never not sure.”
“Maybe so,” Charlie says, and it breaks Nick’s heart that Charlie doesn’t believe him. “But you went on a date with Imogen partly because you didn’t want to hurt her after she lost her dog. I couldn’t handle it if you ever stayed with me because you felt sorry for me.”
“Charlie, I don’t —” Nick begins, but Charlie shakes his head.
“I know you don’t right now,” Charlie says firmly. “But there’s things about me you don’t know about. And I couldn’t bear it if there was ever a time that you wanted to leave, but didn’t, because you felt sorry for me, or like I’m too fragile. I’d hate that more than anything.”
Nick thinks about all the bad things he knows Charlie has gone through. Being outed, bullied, and ostracized last year. And then —- Ben, and the emotional and verbal abuse he afflicted on Charlie. The sexual assault. Charlie is good at acting like he’s okay, Nick realizes, but he can’t be. Not really. Not after going through so much trauma, and keeping most of it to himself. It hurts Nick, to ever think that Charlie could think that Nick would pity him, or stay with him out of obligation.
But Nick has been terrified of hurting Charlie. And he did just go on a date to avoid hurting Imogen. There’s not much of a foundation for Nick to stand on.
Despite his wishes, Nick thinks that maybe they do need to put their relationship on pause. Maybe Nick does need some time to think through his identity, and his wants, and who he wants to be, so he never ends up hurting someone he cares about like this ever again.
And maybe Charlie needs some time, as well. Time to work through his own feelings about what Nick has done, and about Nick himself. Time for Nick to gain Charlie’s trust back, to make him feel safe with Nick again.
It feels strange, given how much this hurts, but Nick feels proud of Charlie. He’s proud that Charlie has expressed his feelings, that he’s set his boundaries. It’s a bravery Nick hopes he can emulate one day.
“Okay,” Nick says hoarsely. “We’ll put a pause on things for a bit. But you’re still my best friend, okay?”
Nick barely has time to blink before Charlie is gently nudging Nellie off his lap and hurtling himself into Nick’s arms. Nick wraps his arms around Charlie, buries his head in Charlie’s curls, and clings on to him for life.
An eternity later, Charlie slowly pulls away. Nick wants to hold onto him, but he lets Charlie go. Charlie wipes his eyes, then gives Nick a wan smile.
“I’ll see you at school tomorrow,” he tells Nick. “I’m sorry.” Charlie bends down to give Nellie a last kiss, and then he walks away. His hands are in his pockets, and he looks small.
Nellie whines sadly, and puts her head on Nick’s knee.
Nick sits there for a long time, staring off into the horizon.