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Expelliarmus was one of the first spells they had learned. They were 11 years old and they had been amazed by it, even the purebloods who had grown up with magic being part of their daily lives. It was a defensive spell, it seemed something grown up.
But now, between crucios, bombardas and avada kedavras, it felt useless.
Mrs. Foretimmer always told them that even if it seemed basic, it was very important and could save you in a duel. But who could think about casting it when green and yellow lights were being directed at their chests?
At least that was what Sirius thought. Protego, impedimenta, salvio hexia… There was a whole range of more useful defensive spells. But above all, there were offensive spells, and against Death Eaters, those were what you needed to use.
Of course, he still used the Expelliarmus, mostly the few times they managed to catch them by surprise.
But against Sirius's best judgment, they still practised it every time the order found a free moment to practice duelling. It was like being at Hogwarts all over again, but without the good memories.
To have some fun, he made a bet with himself on how many times he could disarm Peter every time he tried to cast an offensive spell. It was fun because Peter always did the same movement with his shoulder, right before casting them.
Sirius did it, always. But then, when Remus could attend to the practice, his friend—or maybe boyfriend... well, whatever they were; then, Moony always looked at him straight in the eyes and told him: "See? That's exactly why it's useful." With that tone that made Sirius feel a wave of want and desire, what usually ended with them in some hidden corner, making out, hands all over each other's bodies.
But Sirius would retort: "No, because when I'm fighting with a Death Eater, I don't know their mannerism."
"You're being difficult on purpose."
"I'm being realistic."
He didn't think it was a totally useless spell, okay? Just that they shouldn't focus on it. Some people weren't able to cast a Patronous charm yet, and that shit was undeniably useful.
Also, Remus looked beautiful casting it, even if he hated the wolf form. But that was a whole other matter.
To make matters worse, there was a spy. A spy who made it impossible for them to catch Death Eaters by surprise. But of course, what really mattered was to perfect a fucking Expelliarmus, right.
Like now. They had an important mission, so important that Remus was there—Which became more unusual with each passing week.
Last night, instead of talking about what they were going to do when, inevitably, the Death Eaters showed up, knowing the plan as if it were theirs, they practised duelling and the Expelliarmus. They weren't playing anymore, they weren't trying to be kind and gentle, Death Eaters were massive killers, they had either to end them or make everything possible to capture them, not disarm them so they could disappear in the air. Again.
He felt every hair in his body bristle when they appeared at the designated spot. Something was off. Kingsley, Molly and Emmeline appeared at his right, Remus at his left.
It was silent, but they knew it wouldn't be for so long. The air felt too charged, and not for the first time, he thought they had fallen into a trap, but this time, they were ready for it to be a trap.
"This way," Remus said.
They followed him. Albus had told them that Remus should be the one leading—weird enough—and they should trust him. Trust was something odd those days. But as it has been said, they were ready for a trap.
He shook his head, ignored the ache in his chest, and followed his… Moony.
They went to what was definitely a hole. A hole in the ground. They had to go down a hill and enter a hole, like in that muggle book Remus loved.
“Well, Dumbledore didn’t lie when he said we needed comfortable clothes…” Kingsley muttered.
“Wizards had an absurd custom of doing everything in robes, even fighting,” Remus answered, shrugging. “But down here…”
He didn’t have to say more. They reached the main point of their mission, a room—if you could call it that—in a cave, with sharp rocks everywhere, and mysterious runes on every spot.
“So, muggles did something they call ritual here, and You-Know-Who uses it to hide a message for his fans, right?” Emmeline asked, exploring the place.
“Kinda… this is where Death Eaters hide the locations of both werewolf packs they think are… persuadable,” Remus said, swallowing hard, “and also of dark objects that-”
“Are those the ones Albus wouldn’t tell us why You-Know-Who wants them, right?” Molly finalised for him.
Remus nodded.
“Good Albus knows more things than everyone,” Sirius muttered, softly enough so no one listened. No one besides Remus who looked at him with a reprimanding gaze.
Well, he wasn’t lying. He didn’t say Dumbledore was doing anything wrong keeping secrets, but he had them. Remus knew it the best.
“Well, let’s explore, then…”
They divided the room into six sections, and Sirius couldn’t stop thinking about how easy it would be to trap them there. Fuck, it was a large room, but also a dead end.
Emmeline was the best with runes, so she was going from here to there trying to explain to them whatever they couldn’t grasp.
It was silent.
On the other side of the country, other Order members were pretending to follow Voldemort’s steps. A lure. The Longbottoms and the Potters were there along with Benjy Fenwick and Peter, who at first was going with them, but at the last moment it seemed that they thought the less they were in that cave, the better.
Why did they sent two pregnant women to a mission was a mystery. Or maybe not, maybe they knew that Voldemort and the Death Eaters wouldn’t fall for it.
If he hadn’t been so tense, he would have laughed, thinking that it was all a fucking chaos. They didn’t know how to organise groups anymore, with most of them dead.
“Yeah, those are coordinates in Wales,” Kingsley was saying. Remus was at his side. Sirus had the stupid impulse to get in the middle.
“They’re w- probably werewolves’ packs locations. Fenrir Greyback had been seen in Wales from time to time.”
“That bastard… It’s said that he likes to go for children. Children who are then stigmatised-“
“Kingsley,” Sirius called, loud and firm, “just wrote down the locations.”
Remus looked at him again. This time, he was thankful, but Sirius could also see the exasperation in his eyes. What was exasperating was seeing him not putting any limits. Maybe most of the order didn’t know he was a werewolf, and among those who knew, only the Marauders, Albus, and Moody knew how it happened, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t stop any of the discussions around werewolves that surged in The Order’s reunion.
But once again, he was not present in most of them anymore.
“I think we should focus on the dark object locations,” Molly announced. “Dumbledore said this mission was complex because it wasn’t what it seemed.”
Emmeline stopped in her tracks, so everyone turned to look at her. She had a frown and her fingers tilted.
“Yeah… And I think I know why…”
“Can you enlighten us?” Kingsley said, turning around and leaning against the wall.
“Why do you think we know so little of this mission? The one who knows the most is Remus and just because he knew the location and what was here,” she said. “But I… have my reasons to know that the others also don’t know much about their own mission.”
“Emma, we don’t have time for riddles.” Sirius sighed.
“We are the lure.”
“What?” Molly asked, her eyebrows almost touching her crown.
“We are the lure. And the others, too. There is a third mission that Dumbledore wanted to protect more.”
“So, we are here for… nothing?” he said.
“No, the coordinates are important,” Remus argued. “But… yeah, I think Emmeline is right.”
“And that third secret mission-“
“Well, then we wrote everythi-“
But neither Kingsley nor Sirius could finish what they were going to say, because it was an explosion that deafened and blinded them. Well, the lure had worked, it seemed.
They were used to it by now, so in a second, they were casting spells from here to there, non-stop. And any of them was an Expelliarmus. People with masks were trying everything to make the traces in the walls disappear, so at least the ones they had noted would be important for something. But he couldn’t think about that, because the other mission was clear: kill all of them.
Sirius saw Molly Weasley move around the cave, casting confringos and revelios. At first, it almost disconcerted Sirius, but soon he got it; she was trying to find weak places to open a path to the exit while also cornering the Death Eaters. Smart woman, she was.
He tried to cover her, but his attention was focused on the other side of the room.
Remus was fighting with two Death Eaters, a short figure was screaming crucios while the other, higher and bigger, was trying to make the rocks fall over his head.
Albus Dumbledore knew too many things, but Sirius doubted he knew that every time Remus and he were together in a fight, Sirius couldn’t help but try to protect the other more than himself. And sometimes that could be very dangerous, like right now, when he should be focused on Molly’s plan.
Fuck, Remus could defend himself, but what if…
“Expulso!” a voice screamed at his right, and Sirius was pushed into the air.
He was fast enough to cast a cushion charm on the rock before crashing into it, but he was disoriented now.
“Flipendo!” he cast. “Protego!” he said, directed to Molly and stopping a blue light that was going in her direction while she set fire to a pair of black robes.
Sirius got up and tried to catch his breath. It was hot in there, too hot. Emmeline seemed to catch Molly’s plan, too, and now the air was full of dust and smoke. Also, there was fire everywhere.
“Incarcerous!” he heard Kingsley.
“Sepentsort-” Some Death Eater’s voice was shut down by Remus’s spell.
This time, when someone started walking towards him, Sirius noticed.
“Arresto Momentum!” he cast just when the other was lifting his wand. “Petrificus Totalus!”
The body fell to the ground. He didn’t have time to think about it before turning around and cursing to whoever was pointing at Kingsley now.
It seemed like they were countless, like they kept surging from all sides of the cave. He breathed again, then started coughing; he felt his lungs protest. His eyes were watering, but he could see Molly almost at the exit. They could do it, come on.
Now, Remus and Kingsley had found out what they were doing, so they were moving too… But that meant the Death Eaters also caught the plan. At least it became a face-to-face; they were no longer surrounded.
Someone cast a bombarda at his side, and more rocks fell, one of which graced his arm, which started to bleed. He could still lift it, good.
“Sirius!” Emmeline exclaimed. She was trapped between two rocks, but she wasn’t asking for help but trying to catch his attention to throw him a block, probably with the coordinates inside. Sirius managed to catch it, but another wave of smoke made it impossible for him to help her. He tried to think she could do it; he couldn’t afford the energy to think otherwise.
“Come on, Remus!”
That was Kingsley. He was at the exit too, but one of his arms was extended to where Remus was, also trapped, but between two Death Eaters. With his other hand, he was trying to knock them.
Sirius was about to help them when a green light slammed into the wall, right above Remus’s head. He felt his body freeze. For an instant, he saw what it didn’t happen, and his heart stopped; he was sure it had stopped.
He thought he heard Molly casting a Patronus far away, and Emmeline making a Death Eater fall to the ground after trying to curse him. But he was focused on Remus fighting and telling Kingsley to get out.
It was an impulse.
He wasn’t thinking, not at all.
But he saw it. He saw it clear as day.
It came from the same direction as the first Avada Kedavra. A short figure.
The shoulder moved, something anyone else could have noticed. And Sirius screamed.
“Expelliarmus!”
The wand flew from the Death Eater’s hand.
There was no time to think. Remus cast a desmaius, and Emmeline and Sirius stunned the remnant Death Eaters. Soon they were all out and, as the protocol said, they appeared at the safe points without talking about it.
The place was ready for them, which means Molly’s patronus had worked, but Sirius didn’t care; he should have, but he didn’t.
The moment his eyes found Remus, he ran towards him.
They hugged as they had never done, there was nothing gentle about it, just desperation. Sirius’s hands roamed all over Remus’s body, as if that was the only way for him to know he was really there. Alive.
“You’re bleeding.”
Both of them could have said it, but it was Remus. Sirius knew his arm would start burning at any time, but now it didn’t; his mind was too far away.
“It doesn’t matter. You too," he replied, wiping a drop of blood from a wound on his cheek. "But you’re alive.”
Those words seemed to make Remus understand what Sirius’s brain was doing, because he grabbed his face between his hands and made him look him straight in the eyes.
“Yes. Yes, Sirius, I am.”
It was the first time they kissed in front of someone else.
It was ugly, and it tasted bad. The smoke was still on their mouths and nostrils. They were trembling, so it wasn’t even coordinated. But… Fuck.
It was Remus, his Remus.
With his eyes closed, he still could see that fucking green light. He kissed him deeper. He gripped his neck. He made Remus open his mouth with his tongue, and he bit his lips because he was there, alive, he could bleed, he could return the kiss, he was there.
When they broke the kiss, they let their foreheads touch. They tried to catch their breath, and that made them cough again. They were going to need extra oxygen that night.
“Guys, we need to go,” Kingsley said, and it was the first time Sirius heard him sound something similar to uncertain.
His face was not one of discomfort; it was more like he didn’t want to interrupt, but he knew he had to. Sirius also knew he had to.
Making a virtue of necessity, Sirius separated himself from Remus, but he still grabbed his hand. He couldn’t let him go.
“We have to talk with Dumbledore. Now.”
“You’re going to tell him you have finally understood that the Expelliarmus is actually useful?” Emmeline said. She could be very sarcastic when she was unsettled.
But he wasn’t joking. Merlin knew he wasn’t.
“No. I’m going to tell him why I cast it.”
He could hear the gasp beside him, and he felt the way Remus’s grip tightened, almost crushing his right hand.
“It was a reflex action,” he muttered, more for himself than for anyone else.
Sirius gulped, then looked at him. Remus’s eyes were wide open, staring at him. They were hurting. And now, now Sirius was furious. He nodded and hugged Remus again, feeling him deflate in his arms.
“Someone could tell us what’s happening?” Molly demanded.
Gripping his teeth, Sirius turned to look at her, but it was Remus who talked.
“Pettigrew,” he said. “Peter Pettigrew it’s happening.”
That night, after a close, urgent and very charged meeting, Remus and Sirius went home together. They were silent on the way. They had talked enough for the last three hours.
James and Lily had been there, too. Dumbledore's plan had worked; Voldemort had thought they were the lure to cover the other mission. Peter didn't know about the third one either.
"I didn't say thank you," Remus said when they were trying to eat something. They weren't hungry. "For saving my life."
Sirius looked at him, frowning.
"You didn't have to. You don't have to."
Remus sighed. He got up, collected their plates and took them to the kitchen. When he came back, he moved his chair, so they were next to each other.
"I could have died today."
"We are at risk every day we go to a mission," Sirius said, shrugging. The movement reminded him of the wound on his arm, deeper than he would have liked, but nothing serious. "And you spent months on them."
"And I have to go to another one soon."
Sirius sighed loudly. Fucking secret missions. Fucking Voldemort. Fucking war. Fucking fear.
"Remus-"
"But today, I really felt like I could die," Remus went on. "And you saved my life, and we got our hearts broken by our best friend. So I'm fucking exhausted."
"Yeah, me too-"
"So," Remus interrupted him again. If it wasn't him, Sirius would have hexed him. "I just want you to hold me tonight. And tomorrow night. And I want to go on my next mission having thanked you for saving my life and having told you that I-"
"Love you," Sirius said to him. "I love you."
Remus smiled; it was a strange mix of a sad and excited smile. Sirius wanted to trace the wrinkles that had started showing up on his face, long before their time. He wanted to kiss them. He wanted to keep him closer.
"Hey, I said I wanted to say it," he whispered, getting closer to Sirius's face. "I love you."
They were about to kiss, their lips touching. But Sirius's mind was revisiting their words, and he put his hands on Remus's chest, stopping him.
"But this is not…" he said. He took a deep breath and gulped. "You're going to get back from your next mission."
"I plan to do it, but-"
"Remus, you are going to", Sirius stated. His hands were on Remus's neck and up. He caressed his cheeks, the wound that was already forming a scar thanks to Lily's potions, the wrinkles near his eyes. He got closer and talked right above his lips. "At least for this night, you're going to get back."
Their breaths hugged, mingled, they merged into one.
They merged into one.
And they slept with their bodies entwined, skin to skin and closer than ever. Like they had hugged hours before.
Sirius still thought there were an immense number of spells that were more useful than the Expelliarmus, but he understood better why disarming someone was vital.
Disarming someone meant leaving them exposed. Weak.
You didn’t need an Expelliarmus to do it.
You could just break all someone’s schemes, hitting them deep inside, making them hurt just by thinking.
But the most important thing about disarming someone was to do it first.
That evening, as much as it hurt, Sirius did it first.
And thank Merlin, he did.