Chapter Text
Hikaru is sprawled on the sofa. His eyes are glued to the TV screen as he scrolls mindlessly through the channels. He has been searching for something interesting to watch for the past half an hour, but nothing catches his attention. Life without Yoshiki is boring and although the time they spend apart is not long, every minute feels like an hour as ‘Hikaru’ waits for the other man to get back from his part-time job. They are both currently residing in Tokyo. After a never-ending battle of obstacles and setbacks, they've finally been allowed to be here. Two years ago, ‘Hikaru’ would've never thought it possible and some days, it's still hard for him to believe that they've allowed them to be. That they allowed a monster like him to co-exist with humankind.
Yoshiki had been accepted into college on an all-paid scholarship and was currently working part-time as a receptionist at a nearby vet clinic. Whereas ‘Hikaru’... Well, he is still ‘Hikaru’, a monster borrowing someone else's body, but at least he's improved at controlling his innate nature, so he'll take that as an accomplishment. He's also found a part time job as a janitor at a local zoo. It seemed that being surrounded by animals was way easier than being surrounded by other humans.
‘Hikaru’ stares at their small one-bedroom apartment in awe. Although the apartment is tiny and sometimes stifling during summer, it's all they could afford with their salaries. It's a place he can call his, theirs and that's more than enough for him. The thought fills his dead body with warmth and pride. The half year spent here has been a dream that he wishes he never woke up from. He hopes that they stay like they are for a long time. If not, forever. Just ‘Hikaru’ and Yoshiki in their small nest, for all eternity.
Unfortunately, things never stay the same way for too long, and change is always around the corner. That's a lesson ‘Hikaru’ has learnt by now.
The door to the apartment opens and ‘Hikaru’ finds himself bouncing to the entrance like an overly excited dog whose owner has returned.
"I'm home," Yoshiki's voice fills his ears, enveloping him in warmth and security. This place was their house, but Yoshiki was his home. Although Yoshiki was returning home, it felt as if home had found Hikaru whenever Yoshiki crossed that door.
"Welcome home, Yoshiki," Hikaru says in a singsong voice as he wraps the other man in a hug, burrowing his face in his neck and inhaling his scent. Hugging had been a little habit they had picked up after moving here. It had been Hikaru's idea.
“Mama always hugged me when I returned home from school,” he had told the other, after surprising him with a hug one day. “It always made me feel welcomed and loved, so I will receive you with a hug from now on.” It had been a lie. The truth was that he had seen it on a film. In the romantic comedy, the main character would always hug her husband whenever he arrived back from work, making the man blush every time. Yoshiki had also blushed furiously the first time he done it, and Hikaru had been mesmerized by the bright red tint on his cheeks. It made the other boy look younger, softer. Hikaru could also hear the accelerated heartbeat in his chest, had felt his sharp breaths against his ear, had seen his soul shine bright like a supernova. It had been so beautiful, that Hikaru hadn’t felt bad about the white lie in the slightest.
It was one of the few occasions in which they expressed affection to each other during their every day. It was also the interaction Hikaru enjoyed the most because it was when he felt the closest to Yoshiki .
Yoshiki hugs him with one arm before pulling back to ruffle his hair like usual. "Are you hungry? I bought sushi at the convenience store." Hikaru finally notices the plastic bag the other one is carrying in one arm and his smile widens. Hikaru isn't hungry and quite frankly, he is never hungry. He does not experience hunger like humans do, but eating is one of his favorite activities nevertheless. Tasting different flavors and seasonings make life as a human much more enjoyable. He's also learnt that humans use their feeding time as a moment to interact and socialize with others, so Hikaru has started seeing their meals as an opportunity to spend time with Yoshiki as they both recount their every day to each other.
They quickly make their way to the living room. They do not have a dining room with how small the apartment is, so their meals are always in the living room. Yoshiki places the plastic bag in the coffee table before moving back to the kitchen to grab two disposable plates and two pairs of chopsticks. Hikaru’s eyes follow him as he walks leisurely through their apartment, delightful to finally be in his presence.
After gathering all the things needed for their meal, Yoshiki sits down beside him in the couch. Up close, Hikaru can see every detail that differentiates him from the rest. His face is sharper than two years ago, more mature and refined. There’s no more baby fat in those cheeks and a small crease has formed in one of his eyebrows from frowning too often. His hair has also grown longer in the past year and is now in a small ponytail at his nape. Hikaru feels a tiny impulse to untie it and run his fingers through the silky black strands, but he controls it.
“So how was work today?” Hikaru asks instead as he shoves a whole sushi piece inside his mouth. His eyes are still glued to the other boy’s face. It’s always like this. Whenever they are together, Hikaru watches him silently, trying to absorb and decode every little expression. Trying to learn and memorize everything about the other.
“It went well,” Yoshiki responds, a bashful smile in his face. The smile is so subtle and would go unnoticed by others, but Hikaru quickly picks up on it. “Did something good happen?” Hikaru furrows his eyebrows, feeling curiosity arise in his chest.
“No, nothing happened,” Yoshiki responds but there’s something there that tells Hikaru that he’s hiding something. Something that makes the other giddy.
“Come on, spill it! What’s got you so excited? Did a handsome boy ask you out or something?” He jokes as he palms the other one’s shoulder playfully. Hikaru looks down at the sushi roll as he picks another one to shove at his mouth. His eyes are away from Yoshiki’s for only a couple of seconds, but when they find him again, there’s already a blush in his cheeks. This causes him to frown. Hikaru hasn’t hugged him, nor has he shown him any patch of Hikaru’s skin, so why is he blushing?
“Actually,” Yoshiki finally starts, sounding hesitant at first. Hikaru feels unsettled by the hesitation and his intuition tells him that he’s about to hear something he won’t like. What it is, he still doesn’t know, but he still braces himself to find out.
After what feels like an eternity suspended in silence, Yoshiki finally throws it at him, “I met a guy at work.”
Hikaru is confused for a moment. Does not understand how meeting a guy at work is so important, or why it has Yoshiki looking so bashful and giddy. But then, it suddenly clicks. And he feels a pang in his chest that he does not know how to interpret but that makes him feel as if his peace and safety have been threatened.
“His name is Akira, and he is a vet assistant at the clinic.” Yoshiki continues, his voice sounding nonchalant but the blush in his cheeks betray him.
“Ah...” Hikaru feels awkward suddenly, his hand quickly scratching the back of his neck to conceal his discomfort, “And you like him?”
“No! That’s not it!” Yoshiki rushes to deny, his face turning a brighter shade of red and Hikaru finds that he has completely lost his appetite. The sushi roll now looks unattractive. What a pity, Hikaru thinks. Sushi was one of his favorites and now, he cannot bring himself to eat another piece.
“Then...?” Hikaru doesn’t know if he wants to hear the rest of the story, but he prods anyway. "What is it?"
“Well...” Yoshiki is still hesitating, and it makes Hikaru want to pull out the hair from his scalp. Why won’t he spill it? Doesn’t he trust him enough? The longer he takes to spill it, the longer Hikaru must sit here in suspense, feeling his chest constrict, overwhelmed by feelings he does not have the capacity to understand. He’d rather Yoshiki threw it at him with no mercy. That way, Hikaru could bury himself under the covers and start the process of trying to understand the jumble of his emotions.
After taking a deep breath, Yoshiki finally starts, “Well, we’ve been spending our lunches together lately and we found out we are so similar. He also likes Evangelion, can you believe it? And he likes animals as well, especially amphibians and reptiles. He has a yellow Burmese python! Her name is Banabana! Oh, and he's gay too, and he makes me feel understood, you know? We can relate to each other and have similar experiences, growing up gay in a conservative environment and-” Hikaru’s ears are ringing, and he stops listening after some time. Yoshiki’s words start sounding warbled and distorted, but his smiling face remains looking vibrant and clear. Yoshiki has never been a talker, but the words are coming out of his lips like a waterfall, unending and passionately. Hikaru suddenly wishes he had never asked about his day.
He doesn’t understand it. He should be happy that his friend is so happy and excited about something that used to be the cause of his self-hatred. That he can finally experience love and attraction freely, without the judgmental eyes of the villagers who used to surround him. He should be happy, but instead a sick bitterness is invading his borrowed heart. Hikaru hates himself for it.
“And so, he asked me out on a date on Saturday!” After what feels like a year of torment, Yoshiki finally spills the real reason of his excitement. His expectant eyes find Hikaru’s, but upon seeing the expression he is wearing, he frowns in concern. “Are you okay?” In his vision, he sees Yoshiki slowly reach out his hand to his face, a worried expression on his face. “You are leaking from your eye again.”
This manages to snap him out of his trance, and Hikaru recoils as he tries to cover the black fractals oozing from his eye. “I’m sorry! I-I don’t know what came over me!” He stutters out nervously, trying to push the black tendrils back in place. Hikaru had been so distracted by his inner thoughts that he hadn’t noticed that his monstrous face had peeked out. This hadn’t happened in months. Why did it choose this exact moment to happen? Hikaru wanted to run away and hide in self-disgust and embarrassment. What would Yoshiki think? Would he know about the bitterness that was coursing his veins?
Once he manages to control himself, and his face is back in place, he feigns a smile and turns to look at the other boy. “That’s great! You will finally lose your virginity!” He attempts to joke, even though the joke ends up worsening his sour mood. Yoshiki worried expression remains unchanged.
“Are you really okay about it? We had promised to have a Stranger Things marathon that day, remember?” The reminder only makes the smile break for a millisecond before it’s back in place. He is vaguely aware of the tears that are filling up his eyes, that his smile is too wide to look genuine. Yet, he still tries his hardest to keep his true feelings from showing. He doesn’t understand the overwhelming spiral of emotions he is feeling. Cannot make sense of anything. He needs to think.
Suddenly, he sees big vibrant red letters that scream at him to "RUN" in the back of his mind, and before he knows it, he is standing up from the sofa and rushing to the entrance. He needs to be alone.
"Yeah, I'm good! We can watch it another day, don't worry!" He says as he hurriedly puts his shoes and goes for his keys. "I'll be right back! I forgot to clean the elephant's enclosure today! I'm dead meat if they find out, I'll go and clean it right now!" He hopes that his sorry excuse for an escape is credible but he highly doubts it considering he is trembling all over. It suddenly feels like he is coming apart at the seams, and he knows that the other one has noticed. Yoshiki is the person that knows him the best, after all. The only one who truly knows him for who he is and accepts him in the world.
"Are you sure going out right now is a good idea? You do not look good. You wouldn't want anyone to see you in your true form." Yoshiki rushes to him, holding onto his hand in an unyielding grip. Hikaru looks down at the grip on his wrist, and suddenly wants to turn around and hit the other boy in the chest. Scream at him that he is an idiot, that he is the cause of this, tell him how he truly feels, but how can he do that when he doesn't even understand what he feels himself?
So instead, he musters another fake smile, and with his free hand carefully untangles the grip from his wrist. "I'll be okay by myself, don't worry about me." With that, he leaves their home, slamming the door closed behind him.
For a moment, he stands outside their shared apartment, his gaze unfocused and glossy. It's as if his consciousness has abandoned his corporeal body and Hikaru doesn't know how much time goes by before his awareness comes back. But when it does, he is running around a neighborhood he doesn't recognize. He runs and runs. Without any destination in mind, without track of time, until he finds a dark deserted alleyway. He faintly thinks that this is the exact place that a human would keep away from to avoid running into danger. But he is a monster, and this is the place where someone like him belongs. A place where the light cannot enter, where the warmth and brightness of the sun cannot reach. Without thinking it twice, he enters the alleyway, crouching down in the darkest corner, next to a trash can. Only then, does he allow himself to cry.
He doesn't understand what has come over him. Why is he feeling this way? He should be happy that his friend will finally have the courage to love freely, that brighter days are heading his way. After all, wasn’t that what he wanted? He wanted Yoshiki to be happy, to move on with his life and find someone to love and care for. He had been ready to return to the mountains back then if only to spare the boy he loved any more suffering. Then what had changed?
Two years had passed since that day at the beach and his feelings for Yoshiki hadn’t changed. He still wanted to see the other boy smile. He still couldn’t understand what type of “like” was it that he felt for Yoshiki. Even after two years, Hikaru couldn’t say that he understood romantic love, nor sexual attraction. He was still struggling to understand why humans were obsessed with the idea of love, of why they spent their lives searching for that someone they could call “special”. Although he could sympathize with the feeling to some degree, those feelings were needs that he didn’t experience. He never caught himself fantasizing about touching someone inappropriately, nor did he ever think about writing poetry about the cadence of someone’s voice. But was that really the truth?
Hadn’t he spent agonizing hours sprawled on the sofa, waiting and hoping for their door to open just to see that pair of brown eyes again. Hadn’t he longed to feel Yoshiki’s hand inside of him, touching the monster inside of him, seeing him for who he was and still choosing to embrace him? Could that be considered love? Hikaru couldn’t understand no matter how hard he tried. Why was it that after two years, he was still in the same place. Not being able to answer any of the questions that invaded his mind whenever the other boy was concerned. Hadn't he made any progress?
His mind had been plagued by thoughts of self-hatred at some point, but those thoughts had calmed down once the storm had passed and they both had come out unscathed. But now, once again, they resurface, making him hate himself for being a monster. For being in a human body, and still not being human enough. He cannot help but wonder, if he had been born as a human, would Yoshiki choose him? Would he keep his eyes glued on him without straying?
And now that the possibility that Yoshiki has found that special someone exists, Hikaru cannot help but feel like he is losing the game again. He’s always on the losing end, isn't he? First, losing to the real Hikaru. A person who still managed to win Yoshiki's affections even from the grave. A person to always compare himself with. Always a replacement, a cheap copy. And now, he’ll lose once again to that “Akira”, a name that translates to "bright" and that is possibly very different from himself. A faceless person who Hikaru hasn't met yet but wants to tear apart just to keep him from taking away the most precious treasure of his life.