Chapter Text
“Make sure this one behaves while I’m away, okay?” Costia tells Clarke as she’s wrapped Lexa up in a hug.
“Of course I will! It’s not like you’ll be gone long, Cos. It’s just the Christmas break” Clarke laughs, as she fondly looks at the new couple. “It’s pretty much tradition that she’s with the family during the holidays, so don’t worry about it.”
Lexa groans as she hugs Costia tightly around the waste. “Ugh, I can’t believe you’re going somewhere where we’re not even sure if we can contact each other on Christmas day.”
“The family has this whole thing about ‘disconnecting from the world!’ and ‘spend time with each other’ business, I have no choice” Costia whispers into Lexa’s ear. “Don’t worry, I’ll be back before you know it. Plus you can have lots of girl time with Clarke! It’ll be fine.”
“Fine. But I still wish I could at least talk to you on Christmas.”
“I’ll do my best, babe.”
Lexa and Costia say their final goodbyes before Costia enters the airport to board her flight and spend Christmas break with her family, leaving Lexa back home alone.
Well, Lexa really won’t be alone. She’ll be with friends, but still, she wishes she could spend the holidays with her new girlfriend.
On the birightside though, Christmas is still her favorite holiday, and getting to spend it again with Clarke, her best friend since she was in kindergarten, makes everything okay again.
By the time they get back to Clarke’s house, Lexa feels a little better, excited even. She’s spent Christmas with the Griffin’s for over two decades already, and she’s never had a dull moment with them. Their holidays are normally filled with baking cookies that Abby gives out as presents to the neighbors, going on a Christmas Tree Expeditions in search of the best Christmas Tree they can find, spending an entire evening decorating said Christmas tree, shopping for presents, and of course lots and lots of laughter, love, and hugs.
As they enter the house that smells of freshly baked goodies and she’s swept up in a hug by both Jake and Abby at the same time, Lexa knows this Christmas is going to be as great as the last one.
--
It’s nearing the end of Christmas day, and the two friends are lying down on Clarke’s bed watching Love Actually. They watch this every year on Christmas Day, no fail.
Lexa is on her back, propped up on a pillow with her arm around Clarke. She absentmindedly strokes Clarke’s arm as they watch. Clarke is curled up, head resting on Lexa’s chest, arm comfortably resting on Lexa’s waist. They’ve always been this close to each other as best friends, both of them being very touchy-feely, and a lot of other people have actually mistaken them for a couple. They normally just laugh off comments like that, but in recent years, although they’ve never admitted it to each other, both girls find themselves feeling something strange in the pit of their stomachs every time someone points that out to them.
“Still the best Christmas movie, in my opinion” Lexa says as the credits roll.
“Yeah, and it really never gets old, does it?” Clarke laughs, and unconsciously nestles herself further into Lexa, suddenly feeling sleepy. It’s almost midnight, and Clarke is tired from the day’s festivities.
They fall silent and stay still for a while – Lexa still stroking Clarke’s arm, Clarke still hanging on to Lexa’s waist. They spent the day with Clarke’s parents, Abby and Jake, like how they normally spend Christmas. Coffee and pancakes in the morning, in the middle of opening presents from each other. A hearty lunch while playing an array of board games – Lexa and Clarke versus Abby and Jake for some, Lexa and Jake versus Clarke and Abby for others. Lexa loves Clarke’s parents, they’re really the closest thing she’s ever had to a family, and the older married couple loves Lexa as if she was their own daughter too. After dinner, everyone was stuffed to their limit on turkey, Christmas pudding, and of course on alcohol.
Abby and Jake went to bed at around 10PM, and feeling extremely buzzed, Clarke and Lexa went up to Clarke’s room to watch the movie, bringing with them the unfinished bottle of wine which they had emptied by the time the movie ended.
Remembering the day, Clarke smiles to herself. If she were honest, she’s glad that Costia had to leave for Christmas. She was dreading the thought of not spending Christmas with Lexa. After years of celebrating it just like how they did, it would have definitely been weird if things were just suddenly different.
At least that’s what she told herself when she wondered why it was so important for her to have Lexa at their house for Christmas. She tried to convince herself that it’s just because Lexa was her best friend, technically family, and didn’t want to change tradition.
Yeah, that was it, she thought. It had nothing to do with how recently, she couldn’t stop thinking of her best friend, or how she wanted to spend almost all day with her, or how her heart races when their fingers brush, or they hug, or when they give each other kisses on the cheek. It had nothing to do with all those… right?
How they were lying down right now wasn’t really helping Clarke convince herself that she wasn’t developing feelings for Lexa. She suddenly felt very vulnerable and wanted to run away. But for some reason, must have been the alcohol, she found herself talking.
“You had a good time, right?” Clarke asks quietly, as if afraid to hear the answer.
Lexa, who was deep in her own thoughts, didn’t answer right away.
Lexa knew she was buzzed, and she knew that being buzzed made her much more prone to sharing and being honest about her deepest feelings. She just wasn’t sure if she was ready to share this particular set of feelings… these feelings that she knows have been there since pretty much forever, but has been too afraid to acknowledge them.
She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs that she did, she did have a good time, that she didn’t want to spend her Christmas any other way, that she wanted to spend Christmas with Clarke and her family forever, that she wanted to be with Clarke, that she was it for her.
“Yeah, of course I did.” Lexa answered in a whisper, trying to hide the twinge of pain in her voice.
“Even if Costia isn’t here?”
Lexa wasn’t prepared for that question. She tried her best to swallow everything she wanted to say, tried to swallow the truth. But she couldn’t.
“Honestly, I was kinda glad that she couldn’t stay. Before she told me she was leaving, I was stressing out about the holidays because I didn’t know what I would do. I knew she would want to spend it with me, but I felt bad because…”
Lexa pauses, a little too long that Clarke has to speak.
“Because?”
“Because… I really just wanted to spend it with you. And Abby and Jake. Just like how we always spend Christmas, you know? I don’t think I was ready for it to change.” Lexa said, and after a short while she added “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that to change.”
There was so much that Lexa was trying to convey with that response, she was in a way opening herself up to Clarke in that moment, and she wished that Clarke understood.
Clarke shifted and moved herself so that her head was sharing the pillow that Lexa was lying down on. They were now lying on their sides, facing each other, eyes locked.
“I know.” And Clarke did know. Clarke was surprised with Lexa’s response. But she understood, because that’s exactly what she was feeling. And she suddenly felt hopeful.
“Clarke…” Lexa whispers, green eyes never leaving blue. And before she can stop herself, her hand moves to brush away a strand of hair on Clarke’s face, and ends up cupping Clarke’s cheek. She knew she was courageous because of the alcohol, but she just wanted to be honest to herself and to Clarke for once in her life.
It’s not like they never said this to each other before. In fact, Lexa can’t remember a time when they didn’t say it to each other on a regular basis. They were the best of friends, of course they did. But this time, Lexa knew that this was different.
“I love you.” Lexa said, matter of factly.
“I know.”
“Do you?”
“Do I what?”
“Clarke…” Lexa whispers again, and she’s surprised to find them so close, noses almost touching. She can feel Clarke’s breathe on her lips, she feels it hitch as she moves a little closer still. Their lips are practically touching.
And Clarke doesn’t move away. Her heart is racing, she’s sure her palms are sweaty, she can’t breathe. But Lexa is right here, in front of her, so close, she can’t pull away. She doesn’t want to.
Their lips are hovering around each other, so close to be almost touching, but not quite yet. They’re practically breathing each other in, and one of them could easily close the gap.
Clarke can’t seem to pull away. She doesn’t want to.
But she has to.
“Lexa…” Clarke starts, her hand reaching up to Lexa’s wrist, holding it in place, using it as something to steady herself as she speaks. She can feel Lexa’s pulse, it’s faster than normal.
“You’re with Costia.”
At that, Lexa stills, closing her eyes for a good minute. When she opens them again, they are glistening with tears that she won’t let fall. Lexa feels her heart breaking slowly. She thought there was a chance that Clarke felt the same way. She felt defeated. And embarrassed.
“I’m with Costia” Lexa sighs into Clarke’s lips. “I’m… I’m with Costia.” Lexa continues, telling Clarke, but really talking to herself, reminding herself.
“Yes,” Clarke speaks slowly, so her voice doesn’t break along with her heart. “Yes, you are.”
“I’m sorry.” Lexa says suddenly, letting go of Clarke’s face and moving to get off the bed.
But Clarke holds her in place.
“Wait, Lex, it’s okay. Please… Please stay.” Clarke says gently. “It’s… It’s tradition that we end Christmas together right? We always end up falling asleep in a hug. Can we not change that just yet?”
And again, Lexa feels like she’s being punched in the gut. But she sighs, and sinks back into bed, opening her arms for Clarke to settle into her. She can’t say no. She’s never been able to say no to Clarke.
“I’m sorry.” Lexa says into Clarke’s hair, barely audible.
“It’s okay, Lex. I swear. I’m sorry too.” Clarke responds.
They stay like that a while, in each other’s arms, holding on, afraid to let go. Afraid that if they do, they might lose each other for good. Clarke can feel Lexa’s breath steadying, a sign that she’s about to fall asleep. But there’s something that Clarke still needs to say.
“Lex?”
“Hmm?” is Lexa’s response, obviously almost asleep, but squeezing a little tighter to show Clarke she’s listening.
“I love you.” Clarke says, matter of factly. She needs Lexa to understand.
“I know.”
“Do you?”
And Lexa doesn’t respond, her breath slow and steady.
Clarke sighs, shifts her head just a little, and plants a soft but long kiss on Lexa’s jaw, and whispers again, “I love you.”
In seconds, she herself falls asleep, exhausted.
Clarke doesn’t feel then the soft but long kiss that Lexa plants on her head. And she doesn’t hear Lexa’s response “I know, Clarke. I know.”
Timing was never on their side.