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Violet spinning away is the first thing that alerts me to the danger, the second is a taller woman - Ashton - looming up behind her, or, in front of her now; dagger drawn but resting by her side, a hand outstretched and ready to wield. If my body wasn’t in shock, I would’ve moved to push Violet out of the way, I’m already burnt, I can take more, that’s what this mission that Xaden gave me was. Keep her safe, no matter the consequences.
I’m absently aware of my pain receding as the adrenaline takes hold again, the shivers of shock that wreck my body still there, but the violence of them is rapidly reducing.
Violet’s in danger.
My worry is her being burnt, the irritation of the tingling of blistering flesh that I am already ignoring, and Violet seems to agree as she looks ready to jump over to one side, conveniently the opposite to her injured arm. Though that means she’s also aiming for moving away from me, but hopefully also away from the flames Ashton is bound to send her way.
Instead, almost like when Violet and Tairn had moved to catch me, Ashton moves, her dagger plunging forward without stopping.
Shit.
It really wasn’t that deep, for how long it had taken for Ashton to push the blade in, only a few inches disappeared into Violet’s skin. But it did disappear into Violet.
It had missed her vest.
A roar fills the air, anger and agony mixing together, and my own panicked screams joining Tairn’s anger.
Violet seems to not be able to hear them, her face grows more pale by the second. I’m surprised she doesn’t collapse.
Ashton speaks, but I don’t hear her words. I do watch as she cruelly twists the blade as she drags it out, surely damaging something inside of Violet. Something she’ll need a mender for; and the nearest one is at least a twenty minute flight away.
Have I failed?
Violet’s hands rush to cover the wound, but the blood is too much too quickly, and her fingers are painted red in barely a second.
Her panic catches, visible in the way her eyes dart around, searching for answers she’s not going to get as she falls to her knees, hard.
“Boss!” I call out, swearing alongside the roars from Tairn and a nearby Sgaeyl. Ashton is still stood over her, a sneer on her lips, though her eyes are wide and seem almost uncertain for a second.
I curse as Ashton turns away, my fingers fumbling for that specific dagger that I always I keep tucked away. It feels a little like cheating as I release the poisoned blade - my aim may not be as good as Violet’s, but it’s still damn good. It lands solidly in her back, not quite near enough to her spine to prevent further movement, but as she starts convulsing, I know that won’t matter.
I turn away from her as a the ground shakes, Tairn and Deigh landing nearby. Tairn’s massive body blocks out the sun over Violet. I can see her almost smile, and that sight scares me more than anything else.
Forcing myself up to my knees, I grasp Violet’s shoulders in what I hope is a steadying manner, but at my touch she falls backwards, and I carefully lower her to the ground, her head resting on my arm for the short moment it takes.
I failed.
I can feel Deigh’s presence in my mind, though he offers me nothing but calm and apology.
“Fuck!” I curse, scanning the sky, I can see a flash of blue, moving at a pace I’ve never seen before. “Xaden!” He knows, of course he does. He’s probably berating me to Violet for letting this happen.
It’s my fault.
Blood spills between her fingers, dripping to the ground, in quick patters. I rush to place my hands above hers, pressing in against the wound, and I flinch at her agony laced scream.
“Stop, stop,” I had never heard Violet beg. Even with her weakened voice it felt like a stab to my chest.
Not only had I failed, now I was causing her pain.
It might be the last time I touch her, and it’s causing her pain.
I fucking failed.
I lean over her, making sure she can see me. “I’m so sorry, boss,” I whisper, and gods do I mean it. I’m sorry for everything. “But we have to keep your blood in your body, remember?” I try to joke, for Violet.
“Fuck,” Violet flinches and I’m sure her skin pales even further.
“I’m so fucking sorry,” I repeat, and I will probably do it over and over again. “If I had gotten her. If I hadn’t been hurt again-”
“D-don’t say sorry.” Violet stutters, her head twitching to the sides as if she’s shaking it. “Should’ve heard her.” She mumbles weakly. “Distracted. My fault.”
Tears sting my eyes, if I had been better, Violet would not be bleeding out in front of me, she’d just be berating me for not poisoning Ashton earlier. This is my fault.
“Just stay quiet, Vi,” I plead. “Xaden is landing soon, and he’ll help. He has to. We’ll… we’ll get you to the mender. You’ll be good as new.” She has to survive. Xaden will sort it. He’ll know what to do.
“Promise me s’thing?” Her lips barely move as she speaks.
I shake my head, knowing Violet she’s going to start saying goodbyes, and I can’t - won’t - let her. “Don’t start. Don’t you fucking dare.”
“If he makes it… without following… take care of him, ‘kay?” She shouldn’t have to ask, I’d do it without even thinking, but my chest aches at her words. The thought that, not only might I lose Violet, someone I’ve grown to love like a sister, someone I’ll always look up to, Xaden could follow. My brother, my confidant for years. I hadn’t ever wanted another sibling, Sloane was an amazing sister, but between all the shit I’ve been through, with both of them, I can’t imagine not loving them.
“D-don’t let him. Do anything stupid. N-nobody’s fault but mine.” Her broken words and shaking starts are so at odds with the articulate Violet I know.
I suck in a ragged breath, this cannot be happening. “You need to stop talking.” She needs to save her breath.
“You know everything,” she continues weakly, ignoring my comment. “F-for the poison. Best student. Even if we both go. Use it. You can save… s-so many people.”
“Holy shit.” Water streams from my eyes but I ignore it, keeping the pressure on Violet’s wound. “You need to tell me what to do right now, Vi. Not for the future. You’ll be here to boss me around for that.” She has to be. They both have to be.
I can’t have failed in a way I’d lose both of them.
“S-sorry. No more lessons.” She promises, her hazel eyes shining. Where the fuck is Xaden?
My voice is no more than a whisper when I speak again. “Violet.” It’s all I can manage as she takes a shuddering breath. I feel like I can see the life draining from her.
“I’m s’sorry, Tairn,” Violet’s next words come, like she’s forgotten her bond, or maybe it’s fading for her already. Shit, that better not be true. ”I f-failed. Y-you should still try to go on. For Andarna. She can’t lose everyone.” Shit. I try to hush her as she speaks, but she ignores me. Her words crack my chest more.
Rhiannon and Ivan rush over, their dragons a little further back. Ivan’s eyes are wide and shinning as he crouches next to me, placing a hand on my arm as he briefly studies where my hands are trying to hold Violet’s body together, before he focuses on Violet’s face, his lower lip trembling. At a quick glance, I can see that Rhi is not doing any better, wringing her hands in front of her as if she needs something to do with them.
Ivan’s hand on my arm steadies me though. I focus on that, and the discomfort of the friction on my blistered skin underneath, unable to listen to Violet’s words to her dragons. Though I hope Tairn tells her she’s not allowed to die. Maybe she’ll listen to him.
“Violet, what the fuck,” Rhiannon whispers. “We need to get you out of here.”
Violet shakes her head slowly, and I know what she’s going to say, it’s too far, too late, there’s no way she can ride a dragon like this, she’d bleed out on Tairn. Why the fuck are there not more teachers around? Why is Nolon not accessible to those on the field?
And where the fuck is Xaden?
I can’t move as Rhiannon starts yelling, I can’t calm her or encourage her to stop and help here. Because what can she do. My hands are already over the cut, and there’s still nothing I can do to stop the bleeding.
I failed them.
Xaden is off Sgaeyl before she lands, sprinting towards Violet while Sgaeyl heads to Tairn. This could be both their last days. All 4 of them could die, because I got fucking injured. Because Xaden put his trust in the wrong person, and I failed at being her shadow.
Shadows fly from every crevice, wrapping around Violet’s body, and surrounding us all.
“H-hi honey,” Violet chokes on her words, and I can hear the slight gurgle of blood starting to pool at the back of her throat. “M’sorry.”
Xaden drops to his knees opposite me. I don’t want to look up, but I do. Because this could be his end too, and my brother deserves better from me. I know without a doubt that were it me dying today, Xaden wouldn’t leave me, so I will not leave him.
His face echos the uncontrolled shadows, like he’s free-falling into an abyss, knowing what’s happening but unable to stop it.
Violet’s eyes roll and she lets out a hiss of pain as shadows join my hands at the wound, creating a firm seal under my fingers. I think for a moment she’s out cold, which maybe would be better than her trying to say goodbye.
I linger for a moment longer before releasing her hands, which fall limply to her side, and sit back on my heels. Ivan’s hand still rests on my arm, steadying me despite it’s vicious shaking.
“Violence,” I barely hear his whispered comment, his eyes focus solely on Violet, “I-I need to move you. We need to get you to a mender. Now. Okay?” I’ve never heard Xaden stutter over his words before.
I hear Violet groan, though her response is lost, and while they talk, my mind starts racing, looking for answers, reasons, anything to help me understand exactly what went wrong. What had happened to cause me to fail so badly?
What should I have done differently? Could I have killed Ashton earlier? I didn’t want to, and I’d spent most of our fight hiding from her signet - using my ice would’ve helped - but that would’ve caused so many problems. Problems that would be much easier to deal with, if it meant Violet, and potentially Xaden and the dragons, would still be around.
Fuck.
I should’ve done it. I could’ve covered Ashton’s hands in ice, or frozen her, I’m sure I could. Ridoc and Violet are talking about freezing water in things, I’m sure I could do that too.
I should’ve fucking tried.
Failing shouldn’t be an option.
I look back up to see tear tracks on Xaden’s face as he turns away from Tairn. The whites of his eyes have turned an eerie red.
I’m distracted by Violet’s screams as Xaden pulls her onto his lap, her hands shooting out, almost whacking my chest before she finds purchase on Ivan’s arm, the other gripping Xaden’s shoulder. Ivan responds by resting a hand on her arm, despite his tears, he’s determined to be there for her.
There’s a flurry of activity as more dragons land, Garrick joining Imogen’s side, and Bodhi following too, after dishing out some orders to some of his squads. One squad disappears off into the ruins of the outpost.
I’d forgotten about the games - this isn’t a game after all. This is life, it’s their lives.
And I’m losing them.
“Wait,” I can hear her again, though it’s still weak.
Ivan’s hand falls from my arm as Violet seems to drag him closer.
“Violence, we need to go.” Xaden’s tone is stern, tears spilling from his eyes.
Violet’s cry could give me nightmares, “It hurts. I can’t block it out anymore.” I’m not sure if she means through their bond or just her own pain tolerance, and I decide then that I don’t want to know.
Another hiss of pain has Violet’s head swinging my way, or Ivan’s. Her eyes take in where Ivan is gripping her arm, and Ivan jumps back at the sound, releasing Violet.
I stare at her arm, clear of cuts, but a trickle of blood giving away a prior injury. The blood was clearly dry but fresh, and it had come from her arm.
From her arm where Ivan’s hand had been.
She had been cut. I had seen that cut while we’ve been in this field.
My eyes flick to Ivan, then back to Violet, and then again to Ivan.
I’m almost scared to be right. I don’t deserve the hopeful feeling that’s starting to rise unbidden in my chest.
Maybe I had failed, but that didn’t mean they had to die. Failure to that extreme is not an option.
I move without thought, getting to my feet and walking around Violet’s body to rest my hand on my brother’s shoulder. Xaden tenses the second I touch him.
“Xaden,” I say firmly, trying to force calm into my voice. “Put Violet down.”
It has been a long time since Xaden’s looked at me with rage, anger, betrayal. Not since the first few months after the apostasy had I seen that aggression in his face.
“Are you out of your mind?” he spits towards me, his shadows closing in on my feet and arm. “Get out of my way.”
I shake my head, aware of the shadows, but not cowering from them. If I’m right, and I have to be right, we can save her… Ivan can save her.
“Just… just put her down for a minute, okay?”
“Fuck that,” his eyes flash, the red seeming to mix with gold, turning it amber, as he eyes me with death. “Now remove your hand before I do it for you.”
I refuse to back down to him. Not on this. Not when she won’t make the flight, and we both know it.
“Xaden,” I snap, and his eyes flare wide. “Just fucking listen to me.” I don’t care that he’s my Wingleader, my superior. He’s my brother too. “Do you really think I would ever do anything to hurt her?”
That’s all it takes for Xaden’s eyes to change from angry to terrified, they glisten in the light and I wish I could wrap my arms around him, tell him it’ll be okay and to trust me. The same way he’s done for me in the past. But this is different, this is war, Xaden won’t trust anyone but himself.
“The only thing I’m listening to is Violet’s heartbeat.” Xaden admits quietly, though his words seem to carry far enough to cause a mumbling from the cadets. Xaden’s turns a glare on the surrounding cadets, but I ignore them, focusing only on those nearby. “Fuck War Games.”
I can’t help but agree.
“Xaden, I get it.” I try again, my hand still stubbornly on his shoulder. I hope he can take some strength from it. “Violet is all that matters. Trust me. Just… set her down.”
“Why?”
I hesitate, debating what to say, and the anger in Xaden’s expression grows every second I’m silent.
“She had a cut on her arm.” I say finally, gesturing to the spot where dried blood still cakes her skin. “It’s from the battle.”
I pause, waiting for the information to sink in.
Xaden quietly inspects the area “Wh- How?”
I risk a glance at Ivan, who doesn’t seem to have realised what he did.
“I think… Ivan manifested.” I mutter, watching Xaden closely as he thinks through the information.
Finally, Xaden lowers Violet back to the ground, her groan of discomfort following the movement.
“Violence, love, can you look at me?” Xaden’s pleading voice almost makes me turn away to give them a moment, until Violet’s eyes find mine instead, pinning me in place. Shivers run up my body at the paleness in her skin, she looks like death already.
I hope we’re not too late.
“I’m so happy you were my shadow.” Violet starts, a lump rises in my throat as I suck in an extra breath. I don’t want to hear this. “Y-you… turned something I learned for survival into something fun.”
My mouth opens, breaths coming more heavily than usual, but no words find their way out.
I might’ve failed them, but this will not be the end.
Her attention turns to Ivan, and I can move again. I make my way towards him as she whispers to him.
“Sorry… couldn’t keep my promise to you. Do it for us, yeah?”
Like me, Ivan’s next breath comes out more strangled and uneven.
I zone out everything else, fixing my eyes on Ivan, giving him a moment to breathe.
“You can help,” I whisper, only for Ivan.
“W-wh-what?” Ivan stutters, meeting my gaze in a way he wouldn’t have a year ago. He has grown so much this year, and if it wasn’t for Violet, he wouldn’t even be here. Now he can return the favour.
“You healed her already today,” I try not to rush my words, that’d be more likely to panic Ivan, though I can hear Violet’s goodbye to Xaden, and the heaviness in my chest grows. This shouldn’t be happening.
“What d-d-do y-you mean?” his eyes are fixed on Violet.
I don’t think Ivan hears me when I tell him that he healed a cut on her arm. His eyes focus just on her.
“Ivan!” I call louder, “you really need to listen to me, okay?”
I’m no Violet Sorrengail, but I will channel whatever I can of her to talk Ivan through using his new signet.
“Violet, y-you can’t die.” Ivan speaks out when she seems to have finished her goodbye to Xaden.
I almost want to strangle his obliviousness, except I know I didn’t recognise my own manifestation straight away either.
Violet will be so excited when she gets to talk to Ivan about it, because she will get to talk to him. I failed at saving her the first time. This is my second chance for the day, and I will not fail again.
“IVAN!” I yell again, and Ivan finally meets my gaze. “You can help her. You just… you just need to do it.” I try to explain. How the fuck does Violet do this? “I don’t know how, but I know you can. And I know her chances are better than trying to get her to Nolon right now.”
Ivan shakes his head, tears spilling from downcast eyes at the movement. “N-no, I c-c-can’t! I c-can’t help anyone.” His stuttering gets worse and I know he needs to calm himself.
Gritting my teeth, I reach out, both my hands gripping Ivan’s shoulders forcefully. “Ivan. Look at me.” I wait a moment for him to look back up. “I know you’re scared. I’m scared too.” I’m fucking terrified. “But her arm was injured earlier and now it’s not. You are exactly what she needs.”
I can hear movement around us, but I ignore it. I realise that this is what Violet, and Xaden, need from me. Focus and false calm, but enough that I can help control the situation.
“I-I-I-” Ivan stutters, his eyes blown wide at the slow realisation of what I’ve said. “I d-don’t know.”
“Ivan,” the quiet pleading from Xaden brings both our attention to him, the blatant pain on Xaden’s face has Ivan gripping my arm in surprise or discomfort, I’m not sure. “Please, I’m begging you to just try. Please.”
Ivan lets out a shakey breath, blinking through his surprise at Xaden begging for his help. And slowly, he nods.
I let out a breath of relief, watching as Ivan drops back to Violet’s side and rests his hands over her wound. I can see Xaden’s hesitation to pull his shadows back, but he does it, his eyes fixed on Ivan, as ours all are.
An eerie, silent stillness falls over the crowd of cadets.
“I… I don’t know w-what I’m doing!” Ivan’s frustrated yell breaks the silence as his eyes fly between Xaden and I with desperation. “I d-don’t know what the fuck I did before!”
Xaden presses his lips together tightly, I assume one of the dragons said something to him, because he glances back to them, and I take the moment to rest a hand back on Ivan’s shoulder.
“Okay, okay.” I say calmly, head darting to the side for a moment as Ridoc and Sawyer become visible, though the shadows surrounding us stop them from coming nearer. “Just breathe and focus on the wound and your connection with your dragon. You’ve been channelling for months and you know how to do this. You’ve been getting stronger and preparing for this the entire time-from the moment Violet saved you on the parapet.” I speak slowly, feeling the importance of every word.
This is how I can save Violet. I know it is. Failure is not an option.
Ivan swallows thickly and nods, his eyes falling shut again. Violet’s hand wraps around his forearm, though Ivan seems to ignore it.
For a moment, nothing happens. I worry that my words weren’t enough. I’m sure they weren’t what Violet would’ve said if our situations were reversed.
I worry that I’ll fail them twice today.
Tairn and Sgaeyl’s heads appear above us, staring down at Violet.
A guttural scream pierces the air, bumps raising on my skin as a shiver runs violently down my spine. When Violet tries to shrink away from Ivan’s hands, Xaden holds one shoulder down, and I grip the other, whispering apologies in my mind.
But I wasn’t wrong.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Violet screams out, her arms flailing, I grab a hand at the same time Xaden does, squeezing it gently to encourage her to grip it as she needs. I can take any pain she might cause me. I deserve it.
I risk a look at Ivan’s hands, seeing the blood flow lessen slowly, until finally it stops. I resist the urge to scratch my body at the phantom itches that make themselves known at the sight.
Letting out a sigh of relief as Violet sags beneath our grip, I remove my hands for Xaden to scoop her up.
Ivan did it. Ivan saved her.
I turn to the man next to me, pale and sweating. Rhiannon, far quicker than I am right now, lunges forward to catch him as he collapses backwards.
“M’okay!” Ivan says quickly, his tiredness obvious in the slur of his voice. “Ch-check on Violet.”
Xaden lifts Violet’s shirt, just enough to see the raised edges and red skin where the gash should have been. It certainly wasn’t a clean mending, and Violet would probably carry a scar from my failure for the rest of her life.
But Ivan did it.
I turn my attention from Violet as she struggles closer to Xaden, letting them have some time. My breaths are heavy as Tairn moves away, and Ridoc and Sawyer join us, Ridoc’s hand immediately resting on Ivan’s shoulder.
I don’t even notice that Violet’s attention isn’t on Xaden until she whispers “Mender. I was right.”
Ivan gives her a tired smile and Xaden laughs, releasing some tension from his body even as Violet looses consciousness in his arms.
As he moves to get Violet back to Nolon safely for checking, the squad surrounds Ivan, his head has fallen against Ridoc’s leg, and I wonder if he’s conscious, but he’s well taken care of with the others.
Even with the squad there to look after him, I feel like a traitor to Ivan as I move away from him, towards the edge of the fortress where the dragons are gathering. I don’t deserve to be in with those who would take care of me if I can’t even take care of the ones I love. It takes a few minutes for me to realise that my tears have spilled over again, and my body shakes.
Finding Deigh, I stand in front of him as he lowers his head to look at me. “I am sorry, my loyal one.” He starts before I can. “I was distracted when I shouldn’t have been.”
I shake my head at him, resting a hand on his leg, “it’s not your fault.” I say, forcing my mental voice to sound together despite knowing he can sense every emotion, read every thought. “I should’ve been better.”
Deigh doesn’t respond, instead he tilts his head upwards, eyeing something behind me, and I feel a hand on my back. My head spins as I turn to face Garrick and Imogen, both of them looking at me apologetically.
“Hey man,” Garrick smiles, though it doesn’t reach his eyes, “are you okay?”
I stare at him for a moment, and at Imogen who stands at his side, their arms touching. I shrug, words failing me.
“Come on, we’ll get you back and to Nolon.” Garrick adds finally.
“I’m fine,” I shrug again, turning to Deigh, who breathes warm air over me in what I’m sure would be a oh really if he’d actually spoken.
“You should get your burns treated, Liam,” Imogen says calmly. She’s rarely been gentle with me here, even though we’re on the same squad. Her quiet voice reminds me of Sloane, when she used to drag me back to our parents when I injured myself playing games with her. The memory doesn’t help the tears in my eyes.
“Come on, we’ll fly back with you.” Garrick speaks again, and I nod, not knowing what to say.
I move in a daze, stepping back from Deigh just enough to have a run up to get in my seat, and the second I’m on Deigh’s back, Imogen and Garrick separate to their own dragons
“You should not be so hard on yourself, loyal one.” Deigh starts during the flight, I feel guilty knowing he can feel my inner turmoil.
“I should’ve done better,” I respond.
“She is alive, is that not your mission?”
“No thanks to me.” It was Ivan who saved her, mended her. I did fail in my mission today. Without Ivan, there would have been a vastly different outcome.
“You are the one who encouraged and talked Labhair’s rider through his manifestation. Do you think he could have done that without you?” Deigh asks, and I don’t have an answer, but I’m sure anyone could have talked Ivan through it, I was just there. “And maybe Tairn’s rider was always going to get injured today, and your task to help the mission was to get Labhair’s rider to mend her. His manifestation was important and needed to happen soon.” I sigh at the words, knowing he’s not wrong, but unwilling to accept the thought that Violet was meant to get injured today, as if fate could play a hand in the life of Violet Sorrengail.
After several minutes of silence, Deigh finally speaks again. “Loyal one, you are in pain. That’s why she protected you, the same way you would have if the situations were reversed. I do not think she would agree with your belief that you could’ve done more.”
“Then she’s wrong.” I respond obstinately.
“I dare you to say that to her.”
A soft chuckle finds its way out of my mouth, no matter what I think, Violet won’t accept that it’s my fault. It’s why I’ll try to never bring it up to her. Because it is my fault.
“It seems that we are going around in circles here.” Deigh says with a frustrated huff in my mind.
“Are we nearly back?” I ask, changing the topic, though I can clearly see the edge of the mountains and forestry which marks the flight field. Deigh doesn’t bother to respond.
The moment I’m on the ground, Garrick and Imogen are beside me, and walking with me. I still don’t believe I deserve their support, though the weakness in my legs is glad for Garrick’s hand on my arm, helping to keep me upright.
I try to fight them about being mended, trying instead to head back towards the rooms. Maybe shower and let the pain from the water clear my mind. But Garrick’s hand directs me towards the tents and seats and tables that make up Nolon’s makeshift infirmary.
Garrick and Imogen stay with me while we wait on Nolon to finish working on Violet. They talk quietly around me while my head falls to Garrick’s shoulder. I zone out when they start talking about Violet and Xaden, I don’t want to hear their thoughts, or hopes, or worries. Not now.
I still failed them both, even if they lived. I got lucky that Ivan was there. Without him…
I suck in a breath, causing Garrick and Imogen to fall to silence around me. It’s almost worse, now there’s no clear background to focus on. My mind fills with images of Violet on the ground, blood spurting from her wound. The images as my eyes fall shut - Xaden crying over her, him collapsed on top of her - my nightmares will be filled with them for months.
Because I failed.
Dizziness washes over me as my mind spins it’s own tale. I only just feel Garrick’s hands on my arms, holding my body upright as I black out.