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loud obnoxious sounds and blinding lights stun Sunao as he steps forward into what he can only describe as his personal hell. hes tall, sticking out like a sore thumb in a crowd of mostly kids, he has to make sure Ryuuko doesnt bite someone -a harder task than he first thought itd be-, and looking at the boy beside him makes Sunao physically ill as the familiar feeling of guilt creeps up his neck and closes his throat.
Sunao had found himself in an arcade with Tobi and his weird adoptive dragon sister, Ryuuko.
is he exaggerating the severity of this? no-…okay maybe just a little. but can you blame him? just a few weeks ago his attempt had been interrupted by an absolutely horrified Tobi, whos reaction shocked Sunao to his core.
he takes a deep breath in and out, trying to ease the anxiety threatening to suffocate him. he needed to chill the fuck out. the last thing he needs is for people to add “crazy guy who had a panic attack at an arcade” to his list of titles right under the “crazy teen who shot people at shibuya crossing and then got hit by a fucking truck”. ‘ deep breaths Sunao…deep breaths…’
‘god i cant do this i have to lea-‘
“Bucchi!!” Ryuukos loud voice pierced through the cloud of destructive thoughts that encapsulated Sunao and brought him back to reality. using his cracked phone he points the camera to where the sound came from.
the blurry figure of the girl becomes sharper once the camera pans to her, standing on her tippy toes to reach for one of the model guns attached to the machine. her fingers barely graze the handle before Tobi sidesteps over and takes the gun before handing it to her.
he hears Ryuuko complaining about not needing help as he walks over to where they stand, his camera now focused on the machine itself.
it was certainly old, the screen not lighting up properly and having weird black spots on the top right corner that bled out into a spidering crack on the plastic screen. its age also seemed to do a number on the bright colors of the casing as well, the once probably blinding reds and blues to match the rest of the arcade turning a muddied brown.
it feels weirdly nostalgic as his fingers brush against the shitty plastic of the gun, its familiar feeling comforting him as he grabs it and adjusts it in his hand. he looks up at the black screen of the machine that had turned off once they took the guns. he understood its message and reached for his pocket to pull out a coin to put into the arcade.
but he cant seem to pull his eyes away from his reflection, and suddenly hes back to his 18th birthday. shaky hands holding his gun as the overwhelming feeling of loosing control makes his head spin. running around shibuya on a wild goose chase fighting himself. the comforting weight of the firearm fitting perfectly in his palm almost as if its been molded to from use. and then the bright headlights snap him out of this trance and he drops his gun.
Tobi, having the monstrous reflexes he has, managed to grab the gun before it hit the floor. he was crouched in an awkward position with Ryuuko crawling over his shoulder and punching his back in protest of whatever it was they were arguing over. ‘ when had it turned into a full argument…how did she even get up there?’
his eyes shoot up to meet Sunaos, the boys expression clear with the silent question of ‘whats wrong?’ making guilt rise in Sunaos chest and spread with a burning sensation he knows too well to be shame. he made Tobi worry. again.
Sunao shook his head, taking a deep breath and points his camera away from the shorter boy, an odd grimace on his face as he keeps his eyes on the floor. “sorry i-..nothing happened, dont worry. its just that i…i dont think i should be trusted with a gun again, even if its a fake one” he blurts out, his free hand fiddling with the hem of his jacket.
The blonde squints at him before nodding in understanding, slowly rising up and making sure Ryuuko doesnt fall over his shoulder. she still rambles and whines about something but Sunaos ears ring with the overwhelming sounds hes tuned back into. he still isnt used to seeing peoples faces so its pretty safe to say every eye on him makes him even more uneasy.
Tobi sighed and put Ryuuko down, patting the top of her head. “Buchi doesn’t wanna play so i’ll fill in for him” he grabs the plastic gun and hands the other back over to the girl. she looks displeased as she takes it but doesn’t complain further, clearly excited to play the game despite the change of plans.
Sunao took a deep breath. ‘ youre fine…everythings fine…’ closing his eyes to focus on his breathing, the events of that night replay behind his eyelids. the dirty carpet floor under his feet turn to sand as the chilly night breeze blows through his hair. he swore that if he listened close enough, the crashing waves behind him almost sound like theyre calling his name.
the sound gets louder before he feels the waves crash on his back, falling forward and getting a face full of sand. the water was hot. boiling even. he felt this same pain long ago, but still remembered it all too well. Sunao opens his mouth to scream but finds hes lost it along with his self worth, leaving it to rot by the shore that night. the heat seeps into his clothes and wraps around his throat, his breaths coming in shallow as fresh tears spill down his cheeks, hands trembling as he tries to pull himself out of this current that pushes him back into unpleasant memories and feelings he wishes he could forget.
he cant die here, wherever here is. he wants to live. hes found something to live for. now, when he can say hes truly found somewhere he belongs, does the world wish to take him away. leaving his lifeless body aimlessly floating along this boiling sea for seagulls to rest on after long flights. ah, even they have a purpose, and yet his is to float under them as a rock to perch on.
hes worthless. following Tobi around like a lost puppy, having to be taken care of, and he cant even hold himself together long enough to play a simple arcade game with Ryuuko. hes using Tobi, isnt he? all these feelings catching in his throat and threatening to bubble out are just his brains way to convince him hes not using Tobi, right? right? maybe he should stop fighting, let the water drag him along to where he needs to go. just more trash polluting the ocean.
and so he does. the nails dug into the sand loosen completely, letting himself be pulled in by the overwhelming heat making his skin raw and aching all over.
cold hands on his warm and clammy cheeks pulls him back from the water, the lights and various arcade games come back into view. ah, right. had he been crying?
“Sunao? hey, can you hear me?” Tobis voice was like a sirens song, all the previous feelings of giving up blowing off him like the salty winds that tickled the back of his neck. how could he have given up on him? he doesn’t deserve someone whod leave at the drop of a hat. hes known this from the start, but Tobi still takes care of him. why? he-
“oi.” Tobi speaks up, his hands guiding Sunaos head up to meet his gaze, softened ever so slightly. “i can practically hear your thoughts. calm down.” it takes a few blinks before Sunao can make even a sound, a soft ‘mmh’ is enough for Tobi to at least know hes responsive.
the tallers shaky hands come up to his own cheeks as well, putting them over Tobis and relishing in the chill of his skin. he hears whispers all around him, eyes burning holes into the back of his head. hed made a scene and probably embarrassed Tobi. ‘ i need to leave…i..wanna be home’
he watches as Tobi looks to his side, probably talking to someone. maybe reassuring a (slightly) worried Ryuuko, maybe telling one of the arcade staff of the situation. hes not entirely sure, all he wants to be sure of are the hands holding his head so gently he might just cry even more.
and then theyre gone. Tobi slips his hands from under Sunaos and places them under the others arms, helping him up like a crying child. hes barely able to stand on his feet, leaning for support on the boy in front of him. sounds become clearer once hes up, though. he can hear peoples whispers more clearly. he can hear Ryuukos grumbles as she tugs on Tobis sleeve. and most important to him, he can faintly hear the sound of Tobis breathing, brushing against his face at the proximity. it helps ground him more, regaining his composure with deep breaths.
“‘nothing happened’, huh” Tobi whispered, looking more worried than disappointed, but it’s enough disappointment to make Sunaos eyes sting with new tears threatening to spill. Tobi clearly notices, it isn’t exactly hard with Sunaos exaggerated facial expressions, but he can see beyond that. hes the only one who can.
“i-i i…i didnt think itd uhm…itd trigger a panic attack…im…sorry…” the words spill out of Sunao without much thought, but his throat definitely makes sure he knows it didnt appreciate him opening his mouth. Tobi places his hands on Sunaos shoulders instead, giving them a reassuring squeeze. the pressure is very much appreciated. “can we…c-can we please just go home…? im…so sorry for uhm…ruining your day out with Ryuuko…”
“you dont have to apologize for anything, Bucchi” the nickname brings a smile to his face, his already warm cheeks getting unbearably hot now. “we can go home. ill deal with moody Ryuuko while you can settle down on the couch”
Sunao cant help but feel bad, being the reason Ryuuko gets upset doesnt feel too nice on the conscious. but he feels lighter knowing he has a welcoming place to stay without even having to ask, unlike his apartment devoid of the warmth and love he feels overflows from every corner of Tobis apartment. he feels selfish taking up their space, but he cant bring himself to leave either.
he remembers that night on christmas eve, allowing himself to soak up their love as it would be the last day he’d ever bother Tobi. he remembers his eyes stinging with tears as the waves brushed against his ankles, the accidental picture of them holding hands being the clearest thing Sunao could see even with his terrible vision. he remembers wanting to live, to be truthful in his ‘see you tomorrow’ he had told Tobi. but hed allowed himself to be too selfish, disgust crawling up his throat leaving a bitter flavor on his tongue. he wanted to live, but he didnt feel he was allowed to.
and now, after having a panic attack in a fucking arcade of all places, pinky interlocked with Tobis as Ryuuko sits on his shoulders, the cold breeze from outside hitting their faces and drying Sunaos tear stained cheeks, he cant find it in himself to care about deserving it.
if this is how the world is repaying for all the shit hes gone through, he wont take it for granted.