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Donna was behaving suspiciously. Josh had come to grab some papers from her desk, and she was steadfastly typing away on the computer, facing away from him and not acknowledging his existence, even when he said, “Good morning, Donna.”
Then he heard a very unmistakable sound- like a squeaky door hinge and a scream of pure agony had a child, but forgot to turn the volume up.
“Hey Donna?”
This try earned him a “Hmm?”
“Any reason why you’re still wearing your coat indoors?”
“No. Go back to your desk.”
“Okay, but it sounds like you have a cat in there. So unless your breasts have decided to start meowing at people-”
Donna’s chair swiveled around to face him. She made strong and unbroken eye contact for a minute, but after two years of working together, Josh knew a staring contest when he saw one. Finally, she sighed and unzipped the first few inches of her coat.
The head of a small grey tabby kitten popped up over her collar, now screaming its lungs out. Josh winced and plugged his ears.
“Donna, you know you can’t have that in here, you’ve gotta-”
“I know!” Donna sounded very close to tears. Josh, who was suddenly very aware that he had caused this, but not quite sure how, contemplated hiding in his office and just waiting for someone else to sort it out. “I found him half-frozen to death on the sidewalk and I honestly thought he was dead-” now she really was crying- “but I checked on him anyway and he was breathing-”
“Donna. Donna,” Josh started trying to interject.
“- and he was so so cold to the touch and he opened his little eyes and he looked. at. me. Right at me Josh, with just the most pathetic little eyes in the world. So I just scooped him up, and I know I can’t keep him, but I’ll bring him to a shelter at lunch and he can’t be too much trouble here in the meantime, can he? Please Josh, I can’t put him back outside, I CANNOT, and I will quit if you try to tell me to.”
“Keep the cat!” Josh said very quickly. He had a habit of folding anytime Donna got teary-eyed, and the effect seemed to be magnified by the adorable kitten nuzzling itself back to sleep against the crook of her neck. “Keep the cat here, bring him to the shelter this afternoon. Yup, good plan.”
“Okay.” Donna pulled a tissue from her desk and started wiping her face. “I was thinking of naming him-”
Josh groaned. “Donna, you can’t name it. Once you name it you get attached to it.”
“Well maybe I wouldn’t bring it to a shelter. Maybe I’d bring him back to my apartment.”
“You’re here working eighteen-hour days most of the time. I don’t know much about cats, but I don’t think he’d like that.” Josh thought joking might lighten the mood. “Besides, I don’t like competing for your attention with other men.”
Donna gave him a dead-eyed, unamused stare, and even the kitten seemed to look at him in disbelief.
“That wasn’t funny?” He tried weakly. Donna’s bottom lip wobbled again. “Look are you gonna hit me if I ask what phase of your menstrual cycle you’re at? Cause it seems like you might be in whatever-the-offical-name-is for the hormonal part.”
“Go back to hiding in your office, please,” Donna said softly. “And for the record it’s all ‘the hormonal part’ because- nevermind. Go away.”
“Donna, I’m reallyyyyy sorry, and it's a beautiful cat, and I’ll buy you chocolates?"
“Too little, too late. Go.”
Given that he had managed to flub every part of his half of the conversation and make Donna cry, Josh decided a strategic retreat might not be the worst idea. He could regroup and come back later- maybe with a box of chocolates or a little jingly cat collar.
Two hours later, feeling ready for a second attempt (and also desperate for some of the coffee from the good machine by Donna’s desk) Josh poked his head out of his office.
Donna usually left the half-door to her cubicle propped open against the wall by a file cabinet, but it had been closed today, obviously to prevent the kitten from escaping. When Josh walked up to it, the gate reached to about his waist.
To his surprise, the Deputy Communication Director was also on the other side, sitting cross-legged on the floor behind Donna’s desk. The kitten was scrambling all over him, chasing Sam’s tie, which he had taken off and was dangling from one hand.
A litter box (well a cardboard bankers box filled with litter and with the front missing) had been added under Donna’s desk.
“Are we just running a sanctuary for wild animals now?” Josh asked helplessly.
“Haha.” Sam said dryly. The kitten caught the end of his tie, hooking its little claws into it and making a fierce growling noise. Josh didn’t know that cats could growl. Maybe this one had rabies or something? Leave it to Donna to bring a rabies infested cat into the office. Judging by the amount of puncture marks already on the tie, the kitten was winning the game of keep-away more often than not.
“Seriously, have you even called the municipal shelter yet?”
“They said they’re full. Can’t take him.” Sam didn’t even try to sound convincing.
“You didn’t call. You guys, you can’t keep the cat.”
“This cat-” Sam scooped up the kitten and held him out toward Josh. It was small enough that Sam only needed one hand to support it- “is Donna’s son. She gave birth to him and everything. ”
“Yeah, and Sam’s the father,” Donna finally deigned to speak to Josh, patting Sam condescendingly on the head as she made her escape through the other side of the bullpen.
Sam looked at Josh with a shit-eating grin that made Josh very aware that last time he had broached the subject of the kitten, he had made Donna cry. And now Sam had been allowed co-parenting rights while Josh had been banished.
“Don’t you have work to be doing?” Josh grumped at Sam.
“I’m writing in my head. And occasionally on Donna’s legal pad, but the cat keeps trying to eat it. How about you?”
Donna reappeared around the corner. “He does have work to do. Go back to your office Josh, I’m expecting a call from Congresswoman Martinez’s office any minute now.”
Josh groaned, but obediently slumped back to his desk.
Halfway through the lunch hour, he thought it must be safe to reemerge. Donna would have left for the shelter, and he could get his coffee and then comfort her when she inevitably came back crying.
“If you’re looking for Donna, she’s in CJ’s office,” Carol said as she rushed by, startling Josh.
What the hell was she still doing here? Surely she hadn’t gone and come back that fast.
As he approached CJ’s office, Josh could hear the unmistakable sound of giggling, not something often heard in the west wing.
He slowly pushed open the door to find CJ sprawled on her own couch on the other side, giggling as the cat crawled along her torso, biting at the buttons on her blouse and occasionally trying to catch her hair.
Sam was sitting behind her desk, and Donna in one of the chairs in front of it.
Josh cleared his throat.
“Oh and here’s the party-pooper, come to ruin a good time,” Donna was obviously still mad.
“Listen, Josh, I’ve had a thought,” CJ started.
Josh groaned. “Here we go.”
“No, listen. We could just keep him here. There’s always someone in the office to watch him, and we can all take turns buying him food and scooping his litter.”
“We can’t keep a cat in the White House, CJ.”
“Why not?”
“It’s- it’s unprofessional, that’s why not.”
“Alice Roosevelt kept a snake,” Sam piped up. “And John Adams had an alligator he would put in the bathroom to frighten guests.”
“First of all, John Adams keeping the alligator in the White House is a myth. And it was John Quincy Adams, not the original. If you can convince Zoey or the President to adopt the cat, I couldn’t argue with you. But in the meantime, he can’t stay in our offices.”
“Badger-” Sam snapped his fingers- “Teddy Roosevelt had a badger, I’ve seen the photos."
“What the hell kind of animals didn’t the Roosevelts have running around the place?”
“Well, Taft had the cow and the Wilsons’ had the sheep,” Sam contemplated.
“Sam, really, why do you know this?”
“I’m just saying, there is a long history of presidential pets.”
CJ jumped in. “Think of the photo ops we could get. This little baby-” She booped the cat’s nose- “could have his own fan club.”
“And his mothers’ would be so proud,” Donna cooed, taking the cat off CJ and cuddling him close. CJ sat up to a slightly more dignified position.
“I would be honored to co-mother this cat with you, Donna,” She said, placing one hand over heart in mock-sincerity.
“Hold on here, I thought I got to coparent the cat?” Sam sounded offended.
“I just think CJ has more maternal qualities.” Donna was straight-faced, but barely. All three of them were holding back laughter, and Josh was holding back a frustrated scream.
“Don’t you think he needs a strong male influence in his life? Who’s going to teach him to shave?” Sam asked.
This finally broke them, sending everyone but Josh into near-hysterical laughter. CJ was practically wiping tears.
“Are you all high? I tell you what- I am going to call the shelter myself, and then you can all say goodbye, because I will go drop him off for you,” Josh threatened.
Before anyone else could protest, Toby appeared behind Josh.
“There you all are. Sam, I’ve been looking for you all morning.”
“Toby, we found a cat,” CJ said.
“ I found a cat,” Donna corrected, holding the beast out for Toby to see.
“Ew,” Toby said quietly, then like nothing had happened, “I really do need those papers I asked you to compile, and CJ is there any chance-”
“Hold on, hold on,” CJ interrupted. “You don’t like my cat?”
“I just don’t like cats in general. They’re shifty little beasts, you never know when they’re about to-”
Donna suddenly stood up from her chair and lunged toward him, holding the cat out in front of her. Its tiny head connected dully with the front of Toby’s jacket. He looked down at it impassively.
“Did you think I was going to jump back and scream like a girl?” He asked.
“A little bit.” Donna sounded disappointed.
CJ and Sam were laughing hysterically again.
“Seriously, are you all high?” Josh repeated. “This is not that funny.”
“I haven’t slept in 24 hours Josh, this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen,” CJ said.
“I just like cats,” Sam shrugged, “Can I hold him now?”
Donna handed the cat over. He seemed to be getting sleepy and closed his eyes right away in Sam’s arms. Sam’s face melted, and he looked up at Josh with his best pair of pleading puppy-dog eyes.
Josh might have fallen for them another day, but he pissed enough now that it didn’t work, even when Sam batted his long eyelashes.
“No.” Was all he said.
“Seaborn, you look ridiculous.” Toby was a bit harsher in his review. “Put the cat down, and come do some work.”
“I’ll bring the cat with me. Donna, can I bring him back to my desk?”
“Sure. I have work to do too, I guess.” Donna stretched after sitting for so long. “Just come get the litter box from my desk first, your office has carpet.”
“There’s kitty litter?” Toby said in a tone of abject horror.
“The groundskeeper’s office keeps some, apparently the entrance by the east lobby can take a little longer to melt sometimes. They’ve loaned me a jug.”
Toby leaned in closer to Josh. “Please make good on your threat and call the shelter very soon,” he sounded close to begging.
They were meeting in Leo’s office before the senior staff meeting that evening, and just as they were about to go into the Oval Office, Leo stopped them.
“I’m hearing something about a cat,” he said, crossing his arms and looking at them with a raised eyebrow.
Everyone shrank back.
“What are you hearing about a cat?” Josh hedged.
“That Donna organized a movement among the administrative staff to keep it. Margaret already came through with the five-page presentation.”
“If I may sir,” Sam must’ve been feeling bold, if he was willing to argue his case to Leo, “I agree with them. Having a cat around would be nice.”
Leo was quiet for a minute; Josh thought he was considering Sam’s argument. Then he asked “Where’s your tie, Sam?”
Sam made an expression of sudden panic, patting at the front of his shirt for a moment to confirm. “I forgot to pack a spare tie, sir.”
“And what happened to the original one?”
“The cat ate it,” Sam said so quietly that Josh barely heard him and was confident Leo hadn’t.
“What was that?” Leo asked.
“I agree with him, Leo. I think a cat would boost morale. And I think it would be a good fluff item for the press to run with. All but two presidents have had pets in the White House. There have been bears, opossums, raccoons, hyenas, all manner of birds-” CJ stopped herself at the unamused look on Leo’s face.
“I’d like to go on the record to say that I am very much against this cat,” Toby grumbled.
“Seconded!” Josh said quickly.
“So it’s a two-two tie and you want me to break it?” Leo asked.
“Acutally, it’s three-two in favor of the cat. If we count Donna. She found the cat, she should have a vote.” Sam was walking awfully close to the fire, Josh thought.
“Then it’s a three-three tie, because I’m not letting you keep the cat.” Leo said. “No wait- I just remembered- I’m your boss. Get rid of the cat.”
“Yes sir,” they chorused, some with more reluctance than others.
Having extracted this promise, Leo finally let them through into the Oval Office, where President Bartlet was impatiently waiting.
Leo opened his mouth to start his comments on the new memo from the Department of the Interior, but the President cut him off.
“What,” he asked, “am I hearing about a cat?”
Leo gave a murderous look to the rest of the staff, who maintained expressions of pure angelic innocence.
“What are you hearing about a cat, sir?” Leo asked through gritted teeth.
“Zoey called, and she says she’s heard something about there being a new cat around, and when I press her for details, she says it’s just something Charlie’s mentioned. So I go interrogate Charlie, and he says it’s just some office gossip, and he didn’t think Zoey would’ve repeated it to me and then he turns into a clam! And now no one else will give me a damn straight answer either! Is ‘cat’ some sort of new euphemism? Slang?”
“Don’t worry about the cat matter, sir, I’ve handled it. You shouldn’t hear anymore about it,” Leo said.
“Okay, but how come CJ looked mutinous when you said that just now?”
CJ, to the credit of her absolute professionalism, managed to rearrange her face into a more pleasant expression and apparently resisted the urge to tell the President everything.
“Just tell me what’s going on, it can’t be that bad,” President Barlet wheedled.
“It’s nothing for you to worry about, Mr. President. It’s done,” Leo held firm.
“Toby!” The President whirled on him next. “I sense weakness in you. Tell me what’s going on, and I’ll protect you from Leo’s wrath.”
Josh saw Toby glance at Leo, apparently considering his chances. Leo gave him a stern look of warning.
President Barlet must’ve seen the same thing because he wheedled, “I didn’t want to pull rank, Toby, but I am the president of this whole god forsaken country- at least last time I checked- not Leo. Tell me.”
“There is a cat currently loose in the West Wing offices, sir,” Toby caved.
“A cat?” The President sounded incredulous. “You mean to tell me that my whole staff has been in a tizzy all day over an ordinary housecat? It’s not a lion, right?”
“No sir, it’s a gray tabby. A kitten, actually,” Sam confirmed.
“So should I assume Leo has asked you to get rid of it, and that’s what he meant when he ‘took care of it’? He didn’t lock it in a box with an open chloroform bottle?”
“I would not do that to any cat of my acquaintance,” Leo protested.
“Ah, so you admit you would do it to a strange cat?” Bartlet jabbed.
The senior staff’s giggles were silenced by another deadly look from Leo.
“I did tell them to get rid of the cat. I think it’s a distraction, and judging by everyone’s lack of productivity today, I was right.”
“If I may butt in, Mr. President, I wholeheartedly agree. I am very much against the notion of a cat,” Toby pressed.
“Wait a minute, someone needs to argue in favor of this kitten. He’s cute! And I think it would be a good PR thing for us. I had Carol compile a list of previous presidential pets, I think you’ll see that he’d fit in well,” CJ jumped in.
President Bartlet turned back to Leo. “I’m sorry, you were saying something about productivity around here?”
Leo grunted.
“Does he have a name yet?” The President asked innocently.
“I told them not to name it, I didn’t want them getting attached,” Josh finally spoke up.
“Who’s ‘they’? CJ has co-conspirators?”
“Me, sir, and Donna found the cat in the first place,” Sam said
“Ahhhh,” A look of understanding dawned on the President’s face. “You’ve got an even split going.”
“Yes, sir.” Everyone chorused.
“And you want me to break it. Either officially adopt the cat or officially banish it.”
“Sir, we are ten minutes into this meeting and we haven’t even looked at the report from the OMB yet, I just don’t want to be here all day,” Leo pleaded.
“I hear you, Leo, I really do,” President Bartlet nodded thoughtfully. Then he walked to his desk and hit the page button. “Charlie, can you find Donna and ask her to come in here? Tell her to bring the kitten.”
A minute later, Donna was walking in with the kitten bundled into her arms. Josh figured everyone must’ve had a little worry in the back of their minds about it peeing on the carpet of the Oval Office, but the little beast was as quiet and well-behaved as a mouse. It was perched politely in Donna’s arms, staring out at them serenely. Apparently the power of the office could stun kittens too.
“This is a fine creature,” President Bartlet said, lifting the kitten out of Donna’s arms and turning it every which way to examine it. The kitten went limp and submitted meekly to this exercise. “Have you thought of any good names?”
“A few, sir. I’m not a very big fan of people names for a cat- I was thinking something like Celery maybe, or Nintendo 3DS, or Aerosmith.”
The room was quiet for a long moment. “Well, we can keep workshopping it,” The President finally said.
“Of course, sir,” Donna said, either not seeing or deliberately ignoring the fairly obvious insult.
“Hold on a second. I thought you said this cat was a boy?” The President frowned.
“I thought it was?” Sam said, and at the same time Donna said,
“You can tell just by looking?”
“We were just taking Donna’s word for it, sir,” CJ explained.
“Well, if you don’t know how to tell a boy cat from a girl cat, I’m not explaining it to you, but I’m quite sure.” The president turned the cat around so its hindquarters were facing them. Josh still wasn’t sure what the cat's sex was, and he definitely wasn’t going to look too hard.
~
Josh was watching CJ’s press briefing the next morning extra closely.
Oh and before I forget, her voice sounded tinny through the TV speakers, the President has decided to add a pet to the First Family. Please meet your First Cat, Mrs. President.
Carol ran up on cue, and placed the cat on the front of CJ’s podium so the cameras could see her.
CJ! CJ! CJ! The reporter’s hands all shot up.
Danny, go.
What is she the president of? Who elected her?
The White House Senior Staff elected her. It was a close race, but she managed to swing some key votes. And, for right now, she’s only president of the executive mansion. It was originally proposed that we call her ‘President of the Moon’, but then we got worried that the Russians might decide to re-start the space race. Mark?
Can the White House comment on who’s going to be responsible for Mrs. President’s upkeep?
That would be the Deputy Chief of Staff, Josh Lyman, who has graciously agreed to keep one of several litterboxes in his office.
Josh leaned out of his doorway and yelled, “DONNAAAAAAAA!”