Chapter Text
“And the fifth member to debut is …I.M.” announced K.will
Changkyun didn’t know how he felt as his name was called out. Everything felt hazy and he swayed unsteadily. This must be a dream, he thought as we walked up to the podium, next to the other members.
He should feel happy, right? He should have felt an immense surge of pride and happiness for finally getting a chance to debut. Yet he couldn’t help but feel guilty for forcing another friend from the group to be eliminated when the others had dreams of debuting together. Changkyun saw how hard everyone trained and wanted desperately to debut. Life was never fair.
As Minhyuk was announced as the last member to debut, Changkyun couldn’t help but feel out of place as Seokwon and Gunhee stood behind them as the official members stood in the spotlights. His heart clenched painfully for them. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn’t they all debut together and make their dreams become reality? As Jooheon and Kihyun tearfully expressed their sorrows for their eliminated friends, Changkyun kept his head bowed. He made it into the group that was going to debut but at the same time, he wasn’t part of the group. Changkyun shied away from the group as they congratulated each other and sobbed their tears of frustration, exhaustion and pain into each other shoulders. At least they had each other.
He hid his face in the shadows of his hood. He could see it in their eyes as they glanced at him, and he could hear their thoughts. If only he hadn’t shown up, he could hear them saying, then at least Gunhee or Seokwon would be here.
Changkyun felt hesitant hands gripping his shoulders as the overwhelming feelings of loneliness and stress he had so desperately tried to hold back all by himself, finally hit him like a tsunami. He bit his lips to hold back his tears as Jooheon squeeze his shoulders in comfort.
“It’s okay.” Jooheon said softly. “You just have to work harder from now on.”
For them, were the unspoken words. Changkyun awkwardly moved away. He knew his relationship with the others was strained. He laughed bitterly. Describing their relationship as “strained” was sugar coating it. He had watched the previous episodes. Their voices had echoed in his head over and over again when loneliness crept up behind him.
“I hate him.”
“I don’t want to look at him.”
“I feel sick.”
“I don’t want to be friends with him.”
“I don’t want to talk to him.”
And he understood. He would have felt the same way too if he was in their position. But that didn’t mean that those word spat out in hatred and the coldness he received the second they saw him hurt any less.
He gazed at his new group members who hated him and were going to be with him for years. How was this going to work? How was this going to work when Changkyun was the puzzle piece that was forced to fit in with the whole puzzle and was awkwardly out of place?
Changkyun lingered at the back of the group as they went back to the dorm. Luckily there were no more cameras watching as his heart cracked a bit more as everyone rejected him so openly. As they stepped into the dorm, they saw Seokwon and Gunhee packing their stuff and the mood was sombre again. Changkyun watched as their friends tearfully said good bye and wished them luck. They cheered on their friends, hugging fiercely as they muttered words of encouragement.
Changkyun felt like he was suffocating. How he yearned to hear those words as he struggled to write his raps and felt stress weighing down heavily on him during NO MERCY. He knew that they had wanted him to loose and it sent a hot bolt of pain through his heart. He had never felt so lonely in his life. So while they were distracted, he silently slipped out into the cold night air and walked aimlessly around the neighbourhood.
“Oi, where is the new guy?”
They all looked around in confusion.
Minhyuk frowned. “I thought he was behind us.”
Gunhee scoffed. “Is he so stuck up now that he gets to debut that he doesn’t see his hyungs off?”
“He knows how we feel about him.” Hyungwon said softly.
They fell silent. Guilt began to sprout in everyone as they accepted their fates and had cooled down.
Jooheon gripped his snap back tightly. "I told him how I felt. I told him how I felt like he was cheating by coming into the competition so late and how I couldn't welcome him into the group. You know what he said to me? He thanked me after for all those harsh words I said to him with tears slipping down his face. He must have been so lonely to be thankful towards me for talking to him, even if I was being mean."
Hoseok slumped against the wall. “God, this is so messed up. We just ignored him and treated him as if he was a bad guy, and the things we said to him…”
“I’m sure none of us meant it. It was the stress, the anger and the grief talking.” Kihyun said.
Hyunwoo sighed. “But does Changkyun know that?”
They all stared at the ground as the horror sunk in.
Seokwon and Gunhee finally had to leave since the cars had arrived.
“Tell him that I’m sorry for the things I said.” Gunhee was as he left.
“Tell him that he belongs here with you guys and that he earnt it.” Seokwon added.
They nodded and watched the two drive off before facing another problem at hand. At first they waited patiently until the clock read 11pm and they started to worry.
Minhyuk began pacing. “Yah, someone should call him. Does anyone have his number?”
They looked at each other and shook their heads. No one had bothered to ask Changkyun for his number.
Jooheon groaned. “This is driving me crazy. I’ll ask manager-hyung.”
When their manager picked up and heard of the situation, he sighed heavily through the phone.
“Can you guys please get along with him? He has been working hard these past 2 years and wanted to debut just as much as anyone else. As his hyungs, you should take care of the maknae.”
They all promised to treat Changkyun nicer and immediately called him once their manager gave them his phone number.
Changkyun sat on the swings in the park. At least loneliness accompanied him as he thought about the future. He didn’t know how long he could stand being hated and ignored by his new group members before his heart broke. Changkyun realised that he had forgot to tell him mum and dad how he went. He called and someone picked up the phone on the third ring.
“Changkyun-ah, did you make it?!” came his mum’s excited voice.
He smiled at the sound of his mum’s voice.
“Yeah, I made it into the group.”
There was silence on the other end.
“Changkyun-ah, what’s wrong? You don’t sound very happy.”
He stared at the ground and kicked a pebble.
“They hate me, mum.”
“Who hates you?”
Changkyun swallowed and tried to keep his voice steady. “My group members hate me because I took their friend’s spot as the rapper.”
“Oh honey, I don’t think they hate you. Just give them a bit of time to get over their friends being eliminated, and I’m sure they will start being more comfortable around you.”
He really hoped so too.
“Okay mum, I have to go now. I’ll call you another time.”
“Okay. Congratulations and know that I will always love you.”
Suddenly that void of loneliness that had developed over the past few weeks didn’t feel so big anymore.
“Bye. I love you too.”
As soon as he hung up, his phone rang, displaying an unknown number. He picked up hesitantly.
“Yah, maknae, where are you? Do you know what time it is?” said Hyunwoo.
Changkyun winced as he heard his hyung’s annoyed voice.
“Sorry hyung. I just went out for a walk. I’ll come back now.”
“Why did you go out for a walk?”
“Just because…”
He heard Hyunwoo sigh.
“Okay just hurry back home.”
When they hung up, Changkyun walked back as slow as possible. The dorm was now his home. Was a home meant to feel so cold?