Chapter Text
Location: Smash Castle
Time: 2024
The knock on the great wooden door was timid, which already felt most unusual. People don’t knock. They kick, they scream, or they try to blow the hinges off.
I floated down the hall, cracked the door, and there he was: a relatively short man in a red shirt, blue denim overalls, scuffed boots, and a smile too confident for his appearance. A thick handlebar mustache also rested atop his chin; it certainty made him seem aged, but looks can be deciving.
“Hey, issa me, Mario!” he said., with a pretty thick Italian accent He stared at me, raised his eye, and smiled. Didn't say anthing.
Did he expect me to react? I didn't. I didn't blink. He sighed. “ I'm lookin' for somewhere to stay, and I saw this, er, castle here? That what it called?”
I looked him up and down. His clothes were patched, but his moustache was trimmed. He smelled faintly of rusted copper pipe and antiseptic. Useful, maybe. But useful people rarely announced themselves so loudly.
"Yes, indeed this is a castle."
"Cool, cool. Y'know, my dad used to be interested in all this medieval stuff." He looked at the windows. "Didn't think these things still existed. He woulda loved to see this." He sighed and shook his head, turned back to me. "Anyways, I'd like to stay here."
“So, you’re applying,” I said. I used my finger to scratch my, um, my head? No I don't have those.
“Mmm-mmm,” he nodded. “If that's what I gotta do, yeah."
"Well, no. We do not do that here. This castle is not available for rental. It's a private residence."
"Oh," he muttered. He shook his head and started to walk away.
I scratched my huge index finger with my huge thumb. Hmm.
"Would you be willing to pay money for residency?"
Mario perked up. "Hell yah. Just, y'know, long as I can stay."
"Good, good," I said. "It is perhaps plausible we will be able to come to an arrangement."
"M'kay," he replied. "So, you wanna hear what else I can do?"
I twiddled my fingers together. "Not at the moment-"
"Let's-a see here, I... I fix toilets, unclog pipes, make the water flow. Also, uh, medicine. Stomach aches, cuts, little things. I'm good with the hands.” He wiggled his fingers, as if that was a credential. "In any way you're thinkin' of." He chuckled. "Including that one."
He seemingly waited for a reaction again. I gave him none. Before I could respond, some weird song played on his phone. Mario's eyes lit up. He answered the phone. "Carti - Location", he said, to answer the question I was not planning to ask him. "Best song ever made."
This person is certainty not a man of my generation.
Mario held the phone up to his ear. "Yello?" he said. The other guy said some things I could not hear, and I feel I did not need to hear anyways.
"Yeah," continued Mario to the guy. "I just told him everything I do." He chuckled. "Yeah I told him 'bout the fingers. I think I blew his mind." He started laughing harder, covering his mouth to keep the sound from getting too loud.
The other guy on his end recited some extra phrases. Mario shook his head. "No," he said, though his hand. "I don't think you should bring that up, uh, he might not let me stay if he hears about that," Mario whispered, I presume to keep me from hearing that. "I think you should stop talkin' now-B-Bye."
He hung up and turned to me. "Yeah, sorry 'bout that, he's my brother. Y'know, I gotta show 'im love. Uh, anyways. There a paper I gotta fill out?"
I should inquire about that other thing later. "Not at the moment. I will have to conjure up a form first. This concept of paid housing arrangements is still a novel idea to me."
"Okie. Uh, I think my brother's gonna apply here too. Is that cool with you?"
"It might be," I said. I think I'll just ask this brother for extra information on this Mario guy when he comes.
"So it's done? My residency is official?"
I sighed. "There's a toilet upstairs. Preform your best on it."
Mario scoffed. "Please." He walked upstairs.
I floated to my desk, took out my pen, and attempted to create a form.
Mario, Mario, Mario. Clearly full of himself. But plumbing is something that would be dearly appreciated. Special, yes. Indispensable, maybe. Ego-stroking, free of charge—if it keeps the toilets working.
I wrote his name down:
Resident #01: Mario.
Not because he was remarkable, but because he was the first.