Work Text:
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Slob.”
“Slob who?”
“I’m gonna slob your knob so hard tonight, baby.”
“That doesn’t even work with the joke, Jisung.”
“Shut up Seungmin, you just can't understand the art of seduction.”
“That’s not seduction, you dumbass, that’s straight up propositioning him.”
“I know something else that’s gonna be straight up later to–”
“NO. I don’t want to hear any more of your disgusting fantasies.”
“They aren’t fantasies if they come true. Just like I’ll be coming when I sit on–”
“SHUT. UP. It might work on Minho hyung, but I’m about to vomit.”
“I think it’s kind of cute that he’s so obsessed with Minho hyung.”
“It’s your fault for egging them on Changbin. You and your self declared ‘president of Jiho club’ or whatever.”
“You know our ship name in Minsung, you fuckwad. You said it wrong because you’re jealous of our love. Changbin is the rightful president of Minsung club, because he introduced us, and deserves only good things for that. Crazy how he picked you as a good thing, but hey, I’m not judging. Different strokes for different folks, ya know? In fact, I know I’ll be stroking one specific folk later on tonight.” A poorly executed wink at Minho, who smiles with the fondest expression, as if watching feral kittens get their first Churus.
“How could you disparage your own boyfriend’s hard work? So cruel, Seungmin, so cruel.”
“Literally I could not care less what you have to say, about this or anything really. The day you met Minho hyung was the last day anything intelligent came out of your mouth. No offense, hyung.”
“None taken, Minnie.” Silent until now, Minho’s eyes sparkle with love as Jisung spits out one crude sexual proposition after another.
“God, look at him. Jisung’s stupid sexual innuedo’s, not even that because he’s not smart enough to imply a damn thing, work on Minho hyung. He likes it, the whipped fuck.”
“Of course he likes it, you crusty fuck. I’m the love of his life, and you're being awfully sexually un-positive. I’m feeling very judged right now for publicly loving my boyfriend.”
“Baby, I support you.” Minho gives Jisung’s thigh a gentle squeeze, placidly carrying on eating his omelet.
“Thank you hyung, love you.”
“Love you too, bug. Here, taste this” Minho directs a loaded forkful to Jisung’s waiting mouth.
“Right in front of my fucking salad. I’m not being sexually un-positive, you moss ridden sand flea. That’s not even the fucking word. Anyway, I’m not judging you’re sexuality, I’m–”
Not even paying attention, eyes locked, still chewing his food, “Hyung, I also love your dick. Do you think we can fuck later?”
Smiling softly, “Sure baby, when we get home we can do whatever you want.”
“You know what, I am judging your sexuality. I may be dating Changbin, but we are not whatever type of gay you are.”
“Minnie, baby, here, have a sip of your mimosa.” Changbin picks up Seungmin’s glass, gently holding it out to his boyfriend, eyebrows drawn together in concern. “Jisung’s a thirsty bitch for his boyfriend’s dick, and Minho gets off on the world’s worst pick-up lines, but we knew that already. They’ve been this way since the beginning of their relationship.”
He takes the glass, downing half the contents in one go. “Hyung, I know, but look at Minho hyung. He’s practically gooning to Jisung in his mind. Right here at the table! We’re in a respectable establishment! They need to keep it in their pants for two fucking hours, and yet they can’t!”
“Do you want me to say this kind of stuff, Minnie?” Changbin’s sincerity shines through as he stares at Seungmin. “I think your cock is really cute, Minnie baby. I love when you–”
“NO. I do not need you to vocalize any of what we do together in front of these two idiots. Well, one idiot and one lovestruck fool. I don’t think Minho hyung hears anything at this table unless his precious Jisungie is speaking.”
“Did you say something, Seungmin?” Minho questions tone flat and void of any softness, “I was too busy picturing Jisungie’s cute little–”
“Hyungie! Don’t tell them! Think about my dignity.” Jisung giggles, mimicking tossing his hair over his shoulder while daintily taking a sip of his mimosa. “A lady doesn’t kiss and tell.”
“You’re not a lady, nor do you have any dignity.”
“Fuck you, Seungmin. Princess Di would have loved me, I know that for a fact.”
“You literally can’t know that for a fact, you smooth brained jellyfish.”
“Jellyfish are amazing creatures, you shriveled nutsack. Minho hyung and I watched a documentary about the ten deadliest jellyfish the other day while I was sitting on his dick. You don’t appreciate the natural world, Minnie. I bet you don’t recycle for fun, you evil jellyfish hater.”
“Hey, guys, I can’t tell if this is that weird friendly nitpicking you do, or if this has actually turned mean.” Eyes bouncing back and forth between his boyfriend and Jisung, forehead wrinkled with worry and confusion.
“Changbin hyung, how dare you. Seungmin just got promoted at work, and you don’t even care. Why aren’t you bragging about your boyfriend? I brag about Minho hyung all the time. For example, his cock is so big that sometimes–”
“Ok ok ok, I get it, sorry my bad for thinking the constant hurling of insults was meant in a hurtful way. How stupid of me. No need to detail the exact dimensions of Minho hyung’s dick. Whatever it is, I believe you. And, for the record, I am very proud of my Seungminnie for being promoted.”
“Ok, wow, big emotions from the muscle guy. Thank you for apologizing, hyung. That really means a lot to me. I recognize not everyone is as in touch with their vulnerable side as I am, so I commend you for being brave.”
“Jisung, stop weaponizing therapy speech.”
Jisung gasps, affronted. “I would never! Taemin sunbaenim and I have been working on clear communication, so I’m simply expressing my sincere feelings to Changbin hyung.”
“One, I’m glad therapy is going well, Jisung. Two, whatever the fuck that was, was not ‘clear communication.’ You’re stirring shit up.”
“Yeah, and it worked. So who’s winning now, you string bean.”
“How are you so–” Seungmin inhales long and slow through his nose, eyes closed in search of tranquility. “–nevermind. I need another mimosa. No orange juice. Sub the champagne for vodka.”
“Minnie, do you want me to get you a different drink?” Always the worried boyfriend wanting Seungmin to be happy.
“No, thank you, hyung. I’m joking, mostly. The mimosas here are pretty good.”
“Right you are, Seungmo,” Jisung downs the rest of his flute. “But I want guava juice for the next round. Orange is so last season. I’m in my tropical girl era. Bottoms up bitches.”
Minho is already reaching for his glass before Jisung finishes speaking, ready to do whatever his boyfriend wants. He tips back the rest, setting it down and cocking an eyebrow at the other couple.
With a resigned sigh, Seungmin grabs his glass, “This is probably for the best, I need at least four more drinks to deal with this.”
“Baby, if you don’t like it, I can drink this one for you. I know you like guava too, so you can wait for that one if you want.”
“Changbin, I love you, but if you take away my alcohol I will not suck your dick for a month.”
Changbin’s face visibly pales, and he twists in his chair, “Waiter! We’d like to order more champagne! In fact, bring the whole bottle, we’ll pour it ourselves.”
Wiggling in his seat with the excitement of a puppy, Jisung crows, “Yes kings! More alcohol! Let’s fucking gooooooo. I wanna get sloshed baby, it’s motherfucking Sunday. Drink for Jesus or whatever they say at church. Drink my wine, slurp my body, or something. Do we need bread? Hyungs, can you order some bread for us?”
Then he suddenly stills, eyebrows drawing together in that pathetically sad, cute way of his. He turns to Minho with a sad moue of his lips, “Hyungie, if we drink too much, does that mean we can’t have sex later?” Each word conveying the world-ending sadness the thought brings hims.
“We’ll have to see, baby. You know we both get whiskey dick.” Tone soft like cooing to a kitten, his hand cupping Jisung’s face, thumb gently stroking over his pout. “But we can still kiss as much as you want, hmmm?”
“Mhmm, I’d like that hyung.”
Seeing Seungmin gearing up for another verbal showdown, Changbin twists in his seat with increasing desperation. “WAITER!”