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At first, Tim thinks he's just… noticing things. About other guys. Like, maybe he's just jealous. Or something.
Because what kid doesn't want to be Robin? Who wouldn't want abs like Nightwing’s? Is there anyone able to keep their cool with Dick Grayson's attention on them? It's only natural.
And it makes even more sense with Kon. He's freakin’ Superboy! With the muscles, and the hair, and the cool leather jacket, and ugh– Between Superman's genetics and Kon’s whole “bad boy” attitude, he's pretty much perfect. Of course it's envy that makes Tim stare. Anything else would be ridiculous. Impossible.
Right?
Right.
After all, Tim likes girls. He spent enough time making out with Steph to prove that. It was… incredibly enjoyable. A+. Would squeeze a boob again. And the idea of more… Wow. Yeah.
It got Tim through a lot of his lonely teenage years.
The feelings Tim has for Kon aren't quite the same as the ones he had for Steph anyway. There was instant physical attraction with her. Enough that he barely even minded that she introduced herself by hitting him with a brick.
So what he's feeling for Kon is not attraction. Clearly.
That's Tim's story and he's sticking to it.
Except.
Sometimes Kon winks at him. Or… or wraps an arm around Tim's shoulder. And Tim's stomach does little flips. Somersaults.
Quadruple somersaults off the side of a skyscraper.
Whatever.
It feels like being dosed with Ivy's pollen. But Tim checked his bloodwork the first half a dozen times it happened. Nothing unusual turned up.
And then Kon started… touching Tim? Not in a weird way, or anything. Just. A hand on his shoulder at the end of a mission. A hip bump as they pass each other in the Tower’s kitchen. Little things like that.
Sure, the Titans have a much more flexible definition of “personal space”, and Tim's physical boundaries with Kon, Bart, and Cassie are pretty much non-existent. It feels different when it's just him and Kon recently.
That's when the dreams start. It gets pretty hard to deny anything after that.
Because dreams can get weird, right? Sometimes people dream about stuff that doesn't actually appeal to them. Tim can quite confidently say that he doesn't want to live on a submarine crewed by cats, for example, even if he has dreamed about it more than once.
But he doesn't think any completely straight teenage boy would be so… well. So into the dreams Tim has about Kon. He keeps thinking about them, long into the daytime.
There's only one thing for it.
Tim's going to make a list.
Several hours later, Tim holds his notepad up and grimaces.
“Am I straight? Yes/No”
One side of the list is much longer than the other. Uncomfortably longer.
Data doesn't lie.
But… but this is all anecdotal. Self reported. A list like this was never going to be truly objective.
Tim can't reevaluate his whole sexuality based on this list.
Hmm… Looks like this calls for research.
Tim starts simple.
He opens his browser, and types into the search bar:
“Am I gay?”
The results are not helpful at all.
“How to know if you are gay?” and "Does kissing girls mean you're straight?” don't yield anything better.
Maybe his problem is that he's being too vague. Too general. Kon is the one who triggered these feelings, so Tim gets more specific.
“Teenage boy crush on Superboy normal?” gives him a lot of very… detailed, in-depth fanfiction recommendations. Tim definitely does not read them, and even if he did, he would not bookmark several to read again later.
And if, hypothetically, he had done that… it's all part of his research. Totally understandable.
Next, Tim turns to peer-reviewed studies, reading endless pages of psychological articles. What he finds is fascinating, but he's not really sure how to apply this knowledge to himself.
So the internet is not helpful in this instance. Tim has never been so betrayed in his entire life.
That night, Tim suits up and heads out into Gotham with the rest of the bats. Scarecrow escaped Arkham, and they have a couple of leads to track him down. Preferably before he fear-gasses half of Gotham’s citizens.
Nights like this, Tim doesn't understand why people stay in Gotham. He doesn't understand why he stays in Gotham.
They split into two teams: Batman, Robin, Batgirl and Batwoman. Red Robin, Red Hood, Nightwing and Spoiler. Duke is at home, resting up for the day shift.
Everything is going well. Tim's team are the first to find Scarecrow and his goons. Damian is going to be pissed. Which only makes Tim feel even more victorious.
Crane is mid-monologue when they crash in through the window.
Blah, blah, blah. Something about fear. He will learn their terror. Yada, yada. Tim tunes him out. You've heard one Scarecrow monologue, you've heard ‘em all.
Then one of the goons gets a lucky hit on Tim's rebreather. There's an audible crack. Shit.
Tim thinks maybe he should have been paying attention to Crane after all…
This doesn't feel like regular fear toxin. Tim's lungs are still feeling tight as he knocks out the goon that hit him, his breathing is still growing rapid. But he's not seeing the usual hallucinations at the edges of his vision.
Maybe it isn't working?
But then Tim opens his mouth to tell the others he's been compromised.
“I think I have a crush on Superboy.”
That. That wasn't what he planned to say. Not even close.
“Uh, congrats, RR?” comes Hood's voice through his comms. Nightwing and Spoiler are silent.
“But… like. I like girls. So I'm not gay, right?” Oh, god. Tim can't shut up. He bites his lips but the longer his mouth is closed the more painful the feeling in his chest gets.
“Not that it would be bad to be gay but, like, I'm not.”
Jesus Christ. Somebody needs to take pity on Tim and knock him out.
“Huh,” comes Crane's voice. “An unexpected and quite frankly disappointing result. The toxin is supposed to make you reveal your biggest fears…”
“You fear-gassed a teenager, Crane,” says Nightwing. “I don't know what you expected.”
Then Dick knocks Scarecrow out and handcuffs him next to the rest of his henchmen.
“And I've only ever seen SB flirt with girls so it’s not like I'd even have a chance if I did have feelings for him.”
Tim mutes his comm. At least this way, only the three bats in the room will hear anything else that comes out of his mouth.
Spoiler lands next to him and Steph wraps her arms around Tim's shoulders.
“It's okay, boy wonderful,” she reassures. “We'll get you through this.”
“It's not okay, though,” replies Tim. Every word is as much a shock to him as it is to everyone else. “What if I say something to him and it messes up our friendship?”
He groans.
“It's just his hair, and his eyes... And then I started having this dream where–” Tim slaps both his hands over his mouth. He cannot finish that sentence.
Steph is clearly trying not to laugh at him. Dick looks sympathetic at least. It's impossible to tell what Jason is thinking beneath his helmet.
But then Jason takes his helmet off and hands it to Tim.
“I turned the mic and comms off,” he says. “Put it on and nobody will hear a word that comes out of your mouth.”
Tim is extremely grateful. Especially because the next thing that comes out of his mouth is:
“When you were Robin I used to spend whole nights just staring at your thighs and trying to convince myself it was because I wanted to be fit like you.”
With the helmet on, everyone ignores the statement. Either it's working or they're all trying really hard to pretend they can't hear Tim.
It's appreciated no matter which it is.
Back at the cave, they discover that writing doesn't work either.
They find this out when Bruce asks Tim to describe the symptoms of the toxin and Tim writes:
Sometimes I want to lick the sweat off Dick's abs and I hate it because he's basically my brother now–
He crumples the paper. Slams his helmeted head onto the table. Sobs.
They eventually resort to yes or no questions. Bruce asks Tim if he's experiencing a symptom and Tim gives him a thumbs up or thumbs down without lifting his head from the table.
Inside the helmet he keeps mumbling to himself.
“I don't know how my parents would feel about me being bi and I think that's a big reason I can't admit it to myself.”
Bruce asks if he's still feeling compelled to talk, and Tim lifts a thumb.
“I also think that if I admitted to myself that I liked Kon then if he died again it would break me. It was hard enough the first time.”
It's been almost an hour. You'd think he'd have run out of embarrassing things to say by now, but apparently not.
“Kon hugged me after he came back from the dead and he told me he missed me. There was this look in his eye that made me lean in… I thought he was going to kiss me. I think I would have liked that.”
Bruce injects Tim with the antidote he's come up with. Tim mutters one final:
“Kon's arms live rent free in the happy place in my mind. His biceps make my brain short out.”
And then he can breathe again. He takes a bit of paper from the pad still sitting next to him and writes:
Feels better now. Thanks, B.
He's relieved when that's all he writes.
Nothing about how Kon's jokes feel more like flirting every time they see each other. Or the smile Tim is convinced Kon only gives to him.
Tim still keeps Jason's helmet on until he's safe in his own room. This has been the most mortifying experience of his eighteen years on this planet. He's not taking any chances.
Tim spends the next three days in his room at the Manor. He spends the next week on solo patrols.
Then he realizes that the rest of the Bats are treating him exactly the way they did before the… incident with Scarecrow.
Figures. Nobody in this family knows how to deal with feelings. It's definitely working in Tim's favor this time though.
It means Tim can sort through his thoughts in peace.
He is almost certainly bi. And he definitely has a crush on his best friend. But it's fine. Nobody has to know.
The only people who do know, are pretending they don't. It's for the best, really.
By the time he goes to Titans Tower to hang out with Kon, Bart, and Cassie, Tim has almost managed to put the whole embarrassing situation behind him. It's like it never happened. He can continue crushing without anyone being any the wiser.
Kon is the only one waiting for Tim when he arrives. Cassie's probably debriefing with the rest of the team (Tim doesn't miss that part of leading) and Bart is always late, so it's not too surprising.
What is surprising is the way Kon’s face turns fire-engine red as soon as he sees Tim.
“Hey,” Tim says cautiously, crashing onto the sofa next to Kon. “Is, um, is something up?”
Tim doesn't think he's ever seen Kon look as nervous as this. His stomach drops.
Kon sighs and looks down at his feet.
"Well, ever since I came back from being dead I've just been, y'know, keeping an ear out for your heartbeat..."
Oh no.
"And one night… maybe a month ago? It started going crazy..."
Oh no.
"So I listened in a bit to check you were ok and you said my name…"
Kon doesn't say anything else. He doesn't have to.
"Kon,” Tim grits his teeth. “Please tell me you didn't hear everything I said while I was under the influence of fear toxin truth serum."
"You want me to lie to you?” Kon asks, confused.
Tim groans and throws an arm over his face. He desperately tries to remember exactly what he said about Kon. He doesn't know how he's even going to begin to apologize for this.
If Scarecrow wasn't already in Arkham, Tim would be planning how to ruin his entire life for messing up Tim and Kon’s friendship like this. He's already plotting how much he can make Crane suffer even within Arkham’s walls.
But then Kon says, “In the interests of fairness…” and pushes a piece of paper into Tim's hand.
It takes a while for Tim to figure out what it is he's looking at. When he does, his face turns as red as Kon's.
It's a list of Conner Kent's Google searches. Dated about a week before Tim's encounter with Scarecrow.
It starts with "Am I gay?" and "Does liking one guy make you gay?"
A few searches later it moves onto "Guy crush on friend", "Admiration or attraction?" and "Can you be gay but just for one person?"
Then it keeps going all the way down to an image search:
"Red Robin cute butt”.
Tim gives a shocked little laugh.
Kon takes his hand and says, “I know that doesn't make it okay and I'm sorry I listened in on you. It's just…”
He pauses, thinking.
“After I came back from being dead I would have these horrible nightmares,” Kon explains. “And when I woke up from them I started checking on the people I cared about.”
Tim understands that impulse.
“Just heartbeats!” Kon blurts. “Just to make sure you were still alive. And then… I didn't stop? And I know that doesn't make it ok and I won't do it again.”
It always surprises Tim that someone so outwardly strong and cocky can be so vulnerable. So open.
But it's one of the (many) things he likes about Kon.
“I'm not going to lie,” Tim starts, “this is super embarrassing but also… I get it? Trauma makes you do messed up things.”
He shrugs. “I tried to clone you, like, a hundred times after you died. I knew they wouldn't be you. But I tried anyway.”
Kon stares at him, but Tim keeps going.
“You can keep listening out for my heartbeat, if it helps.” He trusts Kon with this. “I'll tell you if I need you to stop.”
“Thanks, Tim.”
Tim turns to face Kon then. He's not sure who moves first, but before he can blink, he can feel Kon's breath against his lips. Then he kisses Tim.
Just a soft, gentle press of their mouths together.
It's perfect. Tim sighs as they part. Why would he ever fight the fact that he wanted this? Past-Tim is an idiot.
“What's up guy?” Bart calls as he speeds into the room.
“Ohmigod get a room!” he laughs, smacking Tim and Kon on the shoulder and he runs laps around the sofa.
Kon laughs and pulls Tim in closer to give him a kiss on the cheek. Tim sighs. He reminds himself that he loves his friends.
“Cassie!” Bart yells out the door. “Tim and Kon are kissing during friends night!”
Tim's shoulders bunch up around his ears. Kon chuckles and gives him a squeeze.
“Finally,” Cassie huffs as she joins them. She grabs Bart’s arm as he passes so he judders to a halt and they flop onto the sofa together on either side of Tim and Kon.
“‘Bout time the two of you got a clue,” she smiles.
Tim lets out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. Kon shuffles, and they settle so Tim's head is pillowed on his chest.
Maybe this will be okay after all.
Later, after Bart destroys them at Mario Kart, and then Cassie tries to destroy their friendship with Mario Party (goddamn bonus stars), Tim rests his head on Kon’s shoulder as the others leave.
“Tim?”
“Yeah?”
“We're revisiting the whole cloning thing later, ‘k?”
Tim whines and presses his face into Kon's neck so he doesn't have to look at him.
Kon laughs and rubs his back, before he runs his hand down Tim's jaw and tilts his head up for another kiss.
It's more than okay.
It's perfect.