Work Text:
New Upload: Perfecting the Art of Soufflé (For Beginners!!)
32 comments:
cupcakekaty12: Yumm! Can’t wait to try this one, thanks Eric :)
livelafflesbian: I’m thinking abt going to Samwell and found your vlogs. Do you recommend it?!
Laurent4321: If this is for beginners, it should have more steps. I tried to make this for my mom and they all sunk in. They still tasted okay but it was disappointing.
OMGcheckplease: Oh no! I’m so sorry to hear that. Did you overwork the egg whites? Spending too long beating them can do that unfortunately :’(
Laurent4321: You should have said that in the video then.
Samwell Men’s Hiccup Team
Bitty: I am going to kill this man.
Bitty: Destroy him!!
Bitty: I’m putting a team together ( ◡̀_◡́)ᕤ
Bitty: Lardo, can you help me bury the body?
Lardo: I will not confirm or deny in writing
Nursey: lmao, who did R&H set you up with now?
Ransom: RUDE
Holster: RUDE
Ransom: jinx bro
Holster: jinx man
Lardo: you guys are disgusting
Dex: I feel like that’s a fine
Ransom: for what?!
Holster: we’re not even dating!!
Dex: Well we need the money. The dryer’s barely functional and Betsy’s on her last leg.
Bitty: Don’t remind me. My day’s bad enough as it is!
Shitty: What’s up, Bits? I’ll totes shatter some knee caps witcha, then defend us both in court ;))
Bitty: Thank you Shitty!
Bitty: at least SOMEONE here is a true friend!
Chowder: I can help, Bitty! As long as it’s hypothetical. I’d miss Farmer too much in jail :((((
Dex: FINE
Holster: f i n e
Chowder: ugh someone needs to drive me to an ATM then. I’m out of cash after yesterday!
Holster: I gotchu
Lardo: Bits are you ever gonna tell us who you’re gonna murder
Shitty: yes, pls share w the class little buddy!!
Shitty: and do it quick, i have to read 90 more pages tn
Shitty: ha ha… ha ha. Why dont u just kill me while ur at it
Shitty: h a ha ha
Lardo: deep breaths
Bitty: it’s just stupid Laurent
Lardo: that guy again? He’s just some troll, Bitty. Ignore it
Shitty: whoa whoa whao who tf is laurent? R u getting bullied by a french dweeb?
Shitty: Rans and Holtzy why arent u handling him?
Ransom: because he’s just some rando who comments on all of Bitty’s videos
Shitty: oh
Bitty: it’s serious! He’s so RUDE
Shitty: is he like homophobic or something? You should totes block him
Nursey: nahhh dont, get that free engagementttt
Bitty: no, he’s not.
Bitty: But he criticizes all my videos! His profile picture is just a goose. Who is this goose to tell me that my souffle steps aren’t thorough enough?!
Bitty: and last week he made a fuss because he burnt some cookies. Different ovens have different cook times! How on God’s green earth is that my fault?!
Shitty: …
Shitty: okay I’m outta the murder plot, sorry bits
Bitty: NOOO
Holster: alright, Bits drama aside, who’s watching the Rangers pound the Falcs tonight?
Ransom: not me since the Falcs are gonna winnnn
Holster: you just have a hard on for Mashkov
Dex: …can we fine for that?
Nursey: omfg chill bro
Dex: MY CLOTHES ARE PERPETUALLY DAMP
Holster: you do realize your dorm has a laundry room, right?
Dex: people do unspeakable things there…
Nursey: he’s actually right about that
Shitty: hmm define unspeakable
Dex: the last time I tried to do laundry there, the machine had cum in it
Lardo: jesus christ
Ransom: okay new plan: find that dude and fine him
Bitty: Well I’ll be rage baking and sharing with NONE OF YOU! You’re all fake friends!
Nursey: dude.
Ransom: nooooo
Holster: noOOOooo
New Upload: Peanut Butter Pie – Moomaw’s SECRET Recipe :O
46 comments:
amandagracelynn: I cant believe you’d betray moomaw for us! That’s real love
erbsfuturehubby111: for ur Q&A next week, pls tell us why in the world ur still single, handsome ;))
Laurent4321: Is there any way to make this with less butter? I’d like to make it for a friend’s birthday but it’s not very healthy.
OMGcheckplease: It’s peanut butter pie. It’s not meant to be healthy.
Laurent4321: Could I just leave out half the butter in the crust and some of the sugar in the filling?
OMGcheckplease: ABSOLUTELY NOT
OMGcheckplease: If you do that, I will block you from this channel! You will not desecrate Moomaw’s recipe like that
Laurent4321: Well how would you know if I did it?
OMGcheckplease: Oh my southern spidey senses would just KNOW. I would feel it in my bones and faint on the spot before tracking you down
Laurent4321: Haha okay, I won’t
OMGcheckplease: You promise?
Laurent4321: Pinky promise
Shitty Support Group <33
Bitty: Asking if he can make pie without butter and sugar! PIE!
Bitty: It’s madness. MADNESS I TELL YOU
Lardo: Laurent again?
Bitty: yep
Bitty: at least he pinky promised he wouldn’t in the end
Bitty: moomaw would have a heart attack if she knew what this goose was considering doing to her “secret” recipe!!
Dex: Wouldn’t she have a heart attack over you sharing her secret recipes online?
Bitty: They’re not secret, not the ones I share. I just say they are because it gets more views lol
Shitty: Damn Bits…are you an evil genius?
Lardo: You’re just now figuring that out?
Bitty: Better than being an evil idiot like Laurent
Nursey: Damn. Ice cold
Holster: can some1 pls get to the haus and gimme some backup? I cant get Ransom to stop watching replays of Mashkov’s goal last week
Ransom: it’s so sexyyyy
Shitty: okay, I’m bored, entertain me
Shitty: FMK…Mashkov, Zimmermann, Robinson
Lardo: I have no idea who these people are
Shitty: you cannot lie your way out of this lards
Lardo: don’t underestimate me like that
Lardo: anyways I’d kill all of them and take their money
Dex: That’s pretty smart actually
Shitty: that’s not how this game works!!
Lardo: you haven’t even answered
Holster: that’s because everyone knows his answer
Holster: he’d Marry Zimmermann, fuck Zimmermann, kill Zimmermann and marry him again in heaven
Shitty: that is still not how this game works, u all fucking suck
Ransom: fuck and marry Mashkov, kill the other two
Shitty: jesus
Ransom: Actually, I can’t kill Zimmermann. Canadian solidarity
Ransom: Fine, fuck Zimmermann, I guess
Shitty: YOU GUESS?
Shitty: You guess, he says. Like it would be such an inconvenience to penetrate that ass
Bitty: good lord
Shitty: Bits, I’ve totally seeing you eyeing it
Bitty: Which one’s Zimmerman again?
Shitty: WHAT
Shitty: Two Ns, not one. You wound me, man
Ransom: dw, im working on a powerpoint now
Holster: oh thank god, you broke him out of his stupor
Nursey: fuck robinson, marry mashkov, kill Zimmermann (idc how hot he is, dude’s boring as hell)
Shitty: you don’t understand him!!!
Shitty: respect for having a REAL FUCKING ANSWER THO
Chowder: Fuck Robinson? Really? He’s kinda old, isn’t he?
Nursey: What can I say, I love a daddy
Lardo: haha nice
Holster: …I have no idea what to do with this information
Ransom: set him up with professors? Maybe?
Chowder: Ooh our comp sci professor is handsome! Don’t you think, Dex?
Dex: uhhhh
Nursey: did you really just type out and send “uhhh” lmfao
Holster: okay fuck marry kill: shitty, hot comp sci professor, and wellie the well
Shitty: why am i in this?!
Holster: bc we all kinda wanna kill you rn
Nursey: will i get kicked out of the group chat again if i say I’d fuck the well
Bitty: again I say…GOOD LORD
New Upload: Pies Galore and Answering Your Questions!!
19 comments:
erbsfuturehubby111: pleaaase turn around for us next time haha
livelafflesbian: Thanks for your input on Samwell! It seems like a magical place!!
Laurent4321: Your issue with checking sounds like a mental block. If you’re not in therapy, I’d recommend going. I looked it up and Samwell offers 6 free sessions per semester for all students. Beyond that, keep working on it with your captains. You’re not burdening them, they’re there to help you and your team be the best it can be. It sounds like you’re making good progress, you just have to keep at it.
Fines on fines on finesssss
Chowder: I really am sorry guys!!!
Holster: LIES
Holster: you’re only sorry you got caught
Holster: this is worse than the Laundry Room Jizzer
Lardo: Okay, no it’s not
Shitty: wtf’s going on over there?
Shitty: i need to set up a nanny cam in the haus! i miss fucking everythinggg
Bitty: You’ll be glad you missed this
Chowder: I’m so so sorry Bitty :((
Shitty: ???
Ransom: Bits caught Chowder doing the nasty on the reading room
Shitty: eh I’ve done that before
Ransom: at 2 PM? On a Thursday?
Shitty: …chowder why
Chowder: my room was occupied!!!
Nursey: my bad lol
Shitty: bro. Boning in another bro’s room and thus cockblocking him is a DOUBLE FINE
Dex: Double seems generous
Nursey: I wasnt boning! I was napping!!
Nursey: Ive done it before. I didnt know he’d be, like, ready to go to town at 2 pm
Shitty: the dong wants what it wants
Lardo: I really don’t get what the big deal is
Lardo: Kinda feels like you’re all just jealous you’re not dating someone and getting it on the regular
Shitty: aaand the chat goes silent lmfao
Lardo: Hey Bits, you okay?
Bitty: Oh yeah, I’m fine! I mean, I’ll never unsee what I saw…
Bitty: But otherwise fine!!
Lardo: no I just mean, I cant remember the last time you went out on the roof at 2 PM
Bitty: ohh. Damn you for being infuriatingly perceptive
Lardo: it’s a gift and a curse
Bitty: I needed to think and Betsy was on the fritz AGAIN ૮(˶ㅠ︿ㅠ)ა
Bitty: I just…you know Laurent?
Lardo: never heard of him
Lardo: lmao obviously. You seriously can’t let him get to you
Bitty: It’s not that, not this time
Bitty: He suggested I get therapy
Lardo: Wow. He lays it on thick
Bitty: No, not like that. He was actually pretty nice about it
Lardo: ??
Bitty: Ugh here (don’t share this)
Lardo: obvs I won’t
Bitty: [1 screenshot attached, tap to download]
Lardo: Ah. Damn, he even researched Samwell’s student health department?
Bitty: I know!
Bitty: I just don’t know what to make of it. He sounds like he knows what he’s talking about…
Lardo: He does. I don’t think he’s off base. But maybe you could DM him and ask for more info?
Bitty: You think I should?
Lardo: Why not? If he’s a weirdo, you can just block him
Bitty: That’s true. Thanks, girl
Lardo: Any time. I do need something in return tho
Bitty: What’s up?
Lardo: Deets. What’s chowder look like doing the nasty?
Bitty: NOPE
OMGcheckplease: Hey, I hope this isn’t weird! I just wanted to thank you for your comment on my last video. And if me DMing you freaks you out, please ignore this and pretend I never sent it, thanks byeee
Laurent4321: It’s not weird. I worried my comment might be weird.
OMGcheckplease: I mean, it was no weirder than you insulting every video I’ve ever posted lol
Laurent4321: Oh
Laurent4321: I’m sorry. I didn’t know it came off that way. Constructive criticism really helps me with my job, so I thought you might appreciate it too. I can stop.
Laurent4321: They really are great videos. There’s a reason I keep watching them.
OMGcheckplease: I guess that makes sense? It’s not my job though so I didn’t see it that way
OMGcheckplease: I did kinda wonder why you kept watching. Do you even like baking?
OMGcheckplease: Oh lord, that sounded rude, I’m sorry! It’s been a weird day. Like…very weird
Laurent4321: No, it’s a fair question. I kinda don’t honestly.
Laurent4321: My therapist recommended finding some hobbies outside of work to help my anxiety. So I’ve been giving baking a shot but I’m not sure how well it’s panning out.
OMGcheckplease: Ah, okay. So you have a therapist? What’s that like?
Laurent4321: It helps a lot. I know you have a supportive team and that’s great, but there’s nothing like a professional who’s there just to give you advice and tools to help your anxiety.
OMGcheckplease: Do you think I have anxiety? I mean, is that where the checking thing comes from?
Laurent4321: Oh no, sorry, I meant that I have anxiety.
Laurent4321: I couldn’t say. I’m not a professional.
OMGcheckplease: I got bullied a lot as a kid. Picked on, pushed around by football players…I know it’s probably that, but lord, I wish it didn’t drive me to the point of fainting!
OMGcheckplease: omg sorry, you are NOT my therapist, I know that
Laurent4321: It’s okay, really.
Laurent4321: I’m sorry you went through that. That would make a lot of sense though. That’s what I mean by it being mental.
Laurent4321: A therapist could help with that component while your captains keep working on the physical side of things.
Laurent4321: I meant what I said. They’re there to support you, never feel bad about needing some extra help.
OMGcheckplease: Thanks, Laurent. I really appreciate it
Laurent4321: Of course
Laurent4321: Eric…
OMGcheckplease: Yes?
Laurent4321: I really am sorry my comments came off so harsh.
Laurent4321: To be totally honest, I don’t use YouTube much and I thought comment sections were meant for feedback like that.
Laurent4321: But your videos really are great. It’s not your fault I’m a bad baker.
OMGcheckplease: All is forgiven hon
OMGcheckplease: But please keep trying! There’s no such thing as bad bakers. Only inexperienced ones.
Laurent4321: I like that. You’d be a good therapist yourself.
Laurent4321: Maybe that could be your post grad plan haha
OMGcheckplease: oh gosh, I forget how much people know about me from my videos!!
OMGcheckplease: Tell me 3 things about yourself, even the playing field so I can be at least 10% less embarrassed
Laurent4321: Oh. Okay
Laurent4321: Let me think. I’m not sure I have anything very interesting to share.
OMGcheckplease: aww, I’m sure that’s not true!!
Laurent4321: I like hockey.
OMGcheckplease: Me too! Oh wait, you know that
Laurent4321: Haha, yeah. That’s half the reason I like your videos, you talk about both hockey and baking. It’s fun.
OMGcheckplease: Thanks :D
Laurent4321: I’m French Canadian.
OMGcheckplease: Ohhh! I kinda assumed by the name that you were french-french. Like in France, French.
Laurent4321: No, no. I hope I’d be a better baker if I was.
OMGcheckplease: You wouldn’t have to be with all the patisseries around!
OMGcheckplease: One more!
Laurent4321: Well, the last one is I have to go to work right now.
OMGcheckplease: Boooo!!!
Laurent4321: And I’m eating a PB&J. I always do that before a big day at work.
OMGcheckplease: Aww, well that’s sweet
OMGcheckplease: wait, quick question before you go!
Laurent4321: Yeah?
OMGcheckplease: You said the hockey talk is half the reason you like my videos. What’s the other half?
OMGcheckplease: I figure I deserve some positive feedback after all your critiques ;D
Laurent4321: I really am sorry about that.
OMGcheckplease: I’ll forgive you if you tell me the other half!
Laurent4321: Okay.
Laurent4321: It’s that you’re pretty cute.
OMGcheckplease: Oh my
OMGcheckplease: Well go eat your PB&J, I’ll just be here blushing up a storm! (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)
Laurent4321: Me too honestly
Laurent4321: Bye Eric
OMGcheckplease: Bye Laurent. Have a good day at work!!
Destiny’s Children
Bitty: Purely hypothetical question that I can’t hypothetically pose in the group chat for fear of being hypothetically chirped…
Shitty: i am way too fucking sleep deprived to comprehend that
Lardo: shoot, bits
Bitty: is it crazy to flirt with a guy anonymously?
Shitty: how anonymously are we talking? Like glory hole orrr…?
Bitty: SHITTY!
Lardo: is this about Laurent?
Bitty: LARDO
Bitty: Stop making me type your names in all caps!!
Shitty: Wait, Laurent? I thought we hated that guy
Shitty: i am so far out of the loop, jesus
Bitty: There’s no loop! He left a nice comment on one of my videos and Lardo encouraged me to message him
Bitty: and now he’s calling me cute and stuff
Shitty: well u r cute!!!
Shitty: ur cute enough that u dont need to e-fuck some rando online, ya know
Bitty: it’s not like that!!
Bitty: ugh never mind
Lardo: What is it like, Bits?
Bitty: I don’t know. I just like the way he talks
Shitty: two seconds ago u hated the way he talks!!!
Shitty: im so fucking lost
Lardo: Hate and love are like twins, bro
Lardo: easy to flop from one to the other
Shitty: i thought that was just what men said so they could be dicks to women
Lardo: sometimes yes, sometimes no
Bitty: ugh I love you both to pieces but this is useless. I’m gonna go bake my feelings out
Lardo: Bits…you might wanna sit down for this
Bitty: what??
Lardo: Dex thinks Betsy is done. Like, done done.
Bitty: what? No. She can’t be. She’s a trooper!!!
Lardo: Bro, she can’t even heat up pizza rolls
Lardo: Chowder learned that the hard way
Bitty: PIZZA ROLLS? The last thing cooked in my oven was PIZZA ROLLS?
Shitty: …suddenly I miss the haus less
New Upload: FUNERAL FOR MY OVEN 😭 + 3 No Bake Desserts!
22 comments:
mayaedwards3: Only u could make me cry over an oven omfg. RIP BETSY!!!
BakingWithBrynn: Have you considered a gofundme? If you raised $ for a new oven, I’d definitely donate and boost. We need your baking in our lives!!
erbsfuturehubby111: totally here for this. Wd donate $69, esp if ur down to bake shirtless ;P
seguinsshoulders: I’d donate what I could!
Laurent4321: This is a great video. Maybe I’ll succeed with these recipes since there’s no actual baking involved. I read some of the other comments and I think it’s a great idea to set up a donation page for your oven. I would certainly donate.
Samwell Men’s Lax Bro Fight Club
Bitty: Okay team, some of my viewers are suggesting I start a gofundme page for a new oven. Is that a terrible idea?!
Shitty: nooo, great idea. Bleed ‘em dry, bits
Shitty: whenever my dad unfreezes my card, i’ll totes donate up to his limit!!
Chowder: Oh no! Why’d he freeze your card?
Shitty: …because I keep donating money to people up to its limit
Lardo: yeah, that tracks
Lardo: I’m team gofundme too. We’ll all give what we can
Bitty: Oh, guys, I didn’t mean YOU should donate!
Nursey: we totally should tho. We’re the ones who benefit from you having it!!
Holster: Yeah and most of the fine money comes from Chowder, the rest of us need to step it up
Lardo: Or you could just get laid and earn more fines
Holster: RUDE
Ransom: RUDE AND UNCALLED FOR
Dex: See if you can get money for a dryer, too
OMGcheckplease: You really think I should ask for donations for an oven?
Laurent4321: Absolutely. You do a lot for your followers, you deserve something in return
OMGcheckplease: Aww, thanks
OMGcheckplease: It just feels…unimportant. Like there’s people who really need the money! Isn’t it greedy of me to raise funds for a silly ole oven?
Laurent4321: It’s not silly or unimportant at all. You love baking. You deserve to do what you love.
Laurent4321: Besides, people can choose to spend their money however they please. If they’d rather donate to another cause, it’s their prerogative to do so.
OMGcheckplease: Okay, yeah. That all makes sense. Thanks, Laurent <33
Laurent4321: Of course. I’m sorry you’re without an oven right now. That must be hard.
OMGcheckplease: It is, lord. I’m considering skulking around student housing to track down an open one but those are always crowded and messy
OMGcheckplease: and I’d have to lug all my supplies across campus. Ughhh "( – ⌓ – )
Laurent4321: If it’s any consolation, your no bake recipes are great. I made that s’mores mousse for a potluck and it was a big hit.
OMGcheckplease: OMG look at you go! I knew you had it in ya!
Laurent4321: Haha, well, it’s easier when it’s not real baking.
OMGcheckplease: it’s still real baking even if there’s no oven involved! You should be proud of yourself!
Laurent4321: Okay. I will. As long as you don’t get too proud to ask for the help you deserve
OMGcheckplease: It’s a deal :))
OMGcheckplease: Enough about me though! How’s your day going, hon?
Laurent4321: Good. I had the day off work so it’s been pretty easygoing. I went for a run and talked to my dad.
OMGcheckplease: Please tell me you’re not one of those monsters who runs at the crack of dawn everyday…
Laurent4321: Of course I’m not.
Laurent4321: I run a bit after dawn.
Laurent4321: You don’t run? I’m surprised it’s not part of your conditioning.
OMGcheckplease: I do, but not everyday
OMGcheckplease: I used to run a lot more back in Georgia. Didn’t have to deal with ice in the winter, for one thing
Laurent4321: You don’t like it up north?
OMGcheckplease: Oh, I love it! I just wish it never dipped below 75 degrees, thank you very much
Laurent4321: 75? I’d be sweltering.
OMGcheckplease: I meant Fahrenheit you Canadian brute
Laurent4321: Yes, I know. At 75 Celsius I’d be dead. As would you.
Laurent4321: I don’t get cold unless it’s closer to 15.
Laurent4321: Fahrenheit, I mean.
OMGcheckplease: Oh I don’t buy that for a second!!
Laurent4321: I’m Canadian, remember?
OMGcheckplease: Canadians are still warm blooded humans, aren’t they? Or are you all moose with skin suits on?
Laurent4321: It’s unclear. The research is still underway.
Laurent4321: You sound like my mom. I’d go out in shorts when it was 30 F out and she’d have a conniption.
OMGcheckplease: Of course she did! I’m clutching my heart just reading this
Laurent4321: Okay, now who’s lying?
OMGcheckplease: What?!
Laurent4321: You are not actually clutching your heart right now.
OMGcheckplease: Yes I am, I swear on moomaw’s recipe book! There’s half a hockey team here who can attest to it
OMGcheckplease: Or they could, if they weren’t preoccupied hollering at a ref on TV
Laurent4321: Wait, are you watching the Leafs game too?
OMGcheckplease: That I am! Well, I was. Now I’m telling a French Canadian fool to go buy some pants
Laurent4321: I have pants. I just don’t need them when it’s warm out.
OMGcheckplease: 30 degrees is not warm!!
OMGcheckplease: and that HAS to be a penalty good lord
OMGcheckplease: They’re all yelling again lol. Honestly I am too!
Laurent4321: I think the ref will call this one
OMGcheckplease: Damn you’re good
Laurent4321: Yeah, I’m better with hockey than soufflés.
OMGcheckplease: One day you’re gonna have to forgive yourself for that damn soufflé!
Laurent4321: I will the day that you let me make a pie without butter.
OMGcheckplease: Oh lord, I swear I was ready to fight you through the screen when I saw that comment
Laurent4321: I don’t doubt it.
Laurent4321: Any baking on the docket today? Or non-baking, I guess.
OMGcheckplease: Yes!! I made some no bake cookie dough and tinkered with microwave mug cake recipes
Laurent4321: No bake cookie dough? Isn’t that all cookie dough as long as you have a spoon?
OMGcheckplease: Mine is salmonella free, thank you very much!!
Laurent4321: Wow, that’s really cool. Did you record it? I’m curious to see how you managed that.
OMGcheckplease: Yep! I’ll upload it tomorrow.
Laurent4321: With a donation link?
OMGcheckplease: I think so. You wore me down
Laurent4321: Mission accomplished then.
New Upload: Help Me Get a New Oven! + No Bake, No Risk Cookie Dough :D
24 comments:
Crowscrowzcrows: Seriously? Your raising money for an oven? There’s people starving who actually need it for things more important than you're gay ass baking
Laurent4321: Then go donate to or volunteer at a food bank. You can help other people without being demeaning. Also, learn the difference between "your" and "you're".
mkwangold: Literally begging my mom to donate. Who is Eric without an oven?!
BakingwithBrynn: SO glad you did this! I was gonna donate but it looks like the goal’s already been met?! Huge congrats, you deserve this :))
Dem Boyz
Holster: Ummm what in the goddamn Ben and Leslie ass enemies to lovers shit is going on
Shitty: ???
Chowder: Who’s Ben? Is he the guy with the earring who works at Annie’s?
Dex: I thought his name was Alex
Chowder: ohhhh right
Holster: I’ll address that later, there are more pressing matters at hand
Ransom: More pressing than NBC sitcoms? Shit must be going downnn
Holster: I just went to donate to Bitty’s gofundme and the goal’s been MET after 3 donations. One of them being NINE HUNDRED FIFTY DOLLARS from one LAURENT Z????
Ransom: WHAT
Ransom: The dude who’s always giving Bits shit online?
Holster: YES
Chowder: :OOO Oh my goodness! This is so exciting!! Congrats Bitty! Should we keep donating anyways? My mom was going to. She wants to make sure I’m fed haha
Dex: Everyone keep donating and we can use whatever’s leftover on a new dryer
Holster: SHUT UP about the damn dryer or i will make u use the jizz machine!!
Lardo: Jizz Machine would be a sick band name
Shitty: Totally
Shitty: This is crazy tho. One second Bitty’s just flirting with the dude, now he’s his sugar baby?
Shitty: Bits has maaajor game damn…take notes gentlemen!
Ransom: FLIRTING
Holster: FLIRTING
Lardo: jinx, double jinx, don’t bother saying it
Lardo: also Shitty, that’s not public information…
Shitty: OH shit right
Shitty: fuck I’m sorry Bits. I haven’t slept in 48 hours and it’s making me a shitty bro
Lardo: holy fuck, go smoke and go to bed for the good of society
Shitty: still not done w my reading somehow
Shitty: dont go to law school kiddos
Nursey: wtf how did bitty find a daddy before me?
Holster: Damn wait, he must be a daddy, right? Maybe even a grand daddy! He’s gotta be old as hell to have that much bank.
Ransom: He could still be hot tho
Holster: Not if he’s chasing tail on fucking baking youtube
Ransom: fair point
Chowder: where’s bitty? He’s gonna be so excited!!
Holster: I think he’s busy sucking old man balls
Dex: Worth it if we can get a dryer I guess
Nursey: DUDE
Bitty: I’m in class, what in the world is going on?
Shitty: broooo
Nursey: broooo
Bitty: shut up I’m scrolling
Bitty: WHAT
Bitty: Oh my goodness. He can’t…I…
Shitty: Wow. He’s speechless over text. That’s next level speechlessness
Lardo: if you don’t sleep within the hour, i will cut out your vocal chords and you’ll be eternally speechless
Shitty: maybe its the sleepy haze talking, but that’s pretty hot
Holster: fine
Ransom: fine
Chowder: Wait, do we need fines now that Bitty has a sugar daddy?
Dex: fine for trying to get out of fines
Chowder: aww man :((
Bitty: He’s not my sugar daddy! Oh my goodness…he just…
Bitty: AHHH
OMGcheckplease: LAURENT ZAMBRANO
Laurent4321: Zambrano?
OMGcheckplease: I don’t know your last name so I had to make one up in a pinch!
OMGcheckplease: LAURENT ZAMBRANO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE????
Laurent4321: You needed an oven.
OMGcheckplease: I can’t…there is no way I can take this much money from you.
Laurent4321: It’s really not much. Not to me, at least.
Laurent4321: Wow I sound like an asshole. I just mean that I make a lot from my job. I have plenty to spare.
OMGcheckplease: So what? You thought you’d make me your sugar baby?
Laurent4321: What? No
Laurent4321: I donate to gofundmes all the time. Click on my little profile thing, you can see my history I think. I don’t expect anything in return. Not at all.
Laurent4321: You need an oven and people need your videos. That’s all.
Laurent4321: Is that okay?
Laurent4321: Eric?
OMGcheckplease: Sorry, I was scrolling through your profile. This is…a lot of donations, Laurent. What exactly do you do for a living?
OMGcheckplease: Sorry, you don’t have to answer that. I’m just in shock right now.
OMGcheckplease: And sorry I said that sugar baby thing. My friends got in my head, oh my lord. I don’t know why I listen to those fools!
Laurent4321: It’s okay. Are we okay? I don’t want you to hate me for this.
OMGcheckplease: HATE YOU? You’re such a silly boy, my gosh
OMGcheckplease: Or man? Adult man?
Laurent4321: I’m 25
OMGcheckplease: TWENTY FIVE???
OMGcheckplease: Is this your parents’ money?
Laurent4321: No? I wouldn’t donate their money.
OMGcheckplease: So you’re, what, casually raking in 6 figures at 25?
Laurent4321: 7
OMGcheckplease: what
Laurent4321: I make 7 figures a year.
OMGcheckplease: well dip me in syrup and roll me in cracker crumbs
Laurent4321: …what?
OMGcheckplease: I get extra southern when I’m shocked sugar
OMGcheckplease: 7 figures? Why are you watching my little vlog as your hobby?! You should be riding jet skis!!
Laurent4321: I don’t like jet skis.
Laurent4321: I like your videos. They’re relaxing.
Laurent4321: I’m sorry.
OMGcheckplease: For what, honey?
Laurent4321: I don’t know.
OMGcheckplease: You don’t have to apologize for making good money. And you certainly don’t have to apologize for giving it away
Laurent4321: So you’ll keep it then?
Laurent4321: Please keep it.
OMGcheckplease: Okay. Yeah. I’ll keep it as long as you’re sure.
Laurent4321: I’m sure
Laurent4321: Thank you, Eric
OMGcheckplease: ..are you THANKING me for taking nearly 1k from you? You are ridiculous, my goodness
OMGcheckplease: Thank YOU, Laurent!
Laurent4321: Jack. My real name’s Jack.
OMGcheckplease: Oh! I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me you were using a fake name
Laurent4321: Yeah, just for privacy. I’m not a goose either, you know
OMGcheckplease: Har har harrrr
OMGcheckplease: Well thank you, Jack!
Laurent4321: No problem, Eric
Sugar Baby Bittyyy
Bitty: Who changed the group chat name?!
Nursey: not me, I’m too fucking jealous
Bitty: He’s not my sugar daddy! I clarified and got it all straightened out
Bitty: He’s just a very generous 25-year-old millionaire. That’s all.
Shitty: WHAT
Holster: LMFAO WHAT
Ransom: LMAO WHAT
Dex: holy shit
Lardo: nice Bits
Chowder: Wow, Bitty, that’s so cool! I thought I had it made because Farmer’s parents have a vacation condo in Florida, but this is another level!!
Holster: Wait whaaat? We should totes stay at that condo during spring break
Ransom: no need, Bitty’s sugar daddy can just rent us out a mansion
Ransom: or buy us one!
Holster: omg…second haus!!!
Ransom: SECOND HAUS!!!
Bitty: Didn’t you hear me? He’s not my sugar daddy!
Holster: Right. He’s just a millionaire who’s allegedly 25 and gave you 1k today for no damn reason
Bitty: Allegedly?!
Holster: I’m sorry to burst your bubble but there’s no way this dude is 25
Bitty: Why would he lie to me?
Holster: So you don’t dump him for being a geriatric catfish
Bitty: Dump him? We’re not dating! And how could he catfish me? I don’t even know what he looks like!!
Holster: Wait, wait, wait
Holster: W A I T WASIDT WAIT
Holster: You guys don’t, like, exchange pics?
Bitty: No? We just talk through youtube DMs
Ransom: YouTube has DMs?
Nursey: oh my god Bits
Bitty: what?
Nursey: you got a sugar daddy without sending a single nude?
Bitty: HE’S NOT A SUGAR DADDY
Shitty: this is fucking insane
Shitty: guys I’m on his gofundme rn and he donates SO much money
Shitty: his donation history is making me hardddd
Lardo: ew
Shitty: He makes my runs with my dad’s credit card look pathetic!! Game respects game, man
Dex: I’m sorry, I have to say it
Ransom: No.
Holster: BOOOO
Dex: We need a dryer! I can’t keep fixing it!
Dex: Do you guys really not care?
Chowder: I don’t mind, I just line dry my clothes!!
Lardo: same
Holster: I just let the dryer do what it can and then shove my clothes in my drawers and hope for the best
Bitty: that’s disgusting
Bitty: I do my laundry at the lax bros’ house
Holster: WHAT
Ransom: you’re fucking kidding
Bitty: I’m not. They like me, I make them pies
Holster: THAT HAS TO BE A FINE
Ransom: THAT’S FUCKING TRAITEROUS
Shitty: not cool, bro
Shitty: not cool
Lardo: …you guys do realize he’s making this up so you’ll stop asking about Laurent, right?
Bitty: LARDO
Shitty: FUCK
OMGcheckplease: What should I name her?
Laurent4321: Who? Are you getting a cat or something?
OMGcheckplease: No, silly! The oven!!
OMGcheckplease: She wouldn’t exist without you, I think you should get naming dibs!
Laurent4321: Oh okay. Maybe something hockey related? What’s your favorite team?
OMGcheckplease: …will you judge me if I say I don’t really have one?
Laurent4321: No. I’m kind of surprised though.
OMGcheckplease: I grew up in Georgia! It was alll about football, so I don’t really have any team loyalty
OMGcheckplease: Except Samwell, of course! :D
Laurent4321: I don’t have as much time to keep up with the NCAA as I’d like, but you guys are playing a killer season.
Laurent4321: Damn are you a speed demon out there
OMGcheckplease: Oh goodness, thanks Jack!
OMGcheckplease: What about you? Got a ride or die team?
Laurent4321: Well, growing up I liked the Canadiens, for obvious reasons.
OMGcheckplease: You resonated with the team name?
Laurent4321: If only they had a team called the Southerners.
OMGcheckplease: I wish!
OMGcheckplease: So just growing up? Who’s your team now?
Laurent4321: Oh
Laurent4321: The Falcs.
OMGcheckplease: Oh lord. Don’t get my friends started on the Falcs
Laurent4321: Not fans?
OMGcheckplease: The opposite! They’ll wax poetic for hours about Mashkov’s shoulders and Zimmermann’s ass
Laurent4321: And you don’t feel the same way? Are hockey players not your type?
OMGcheckplease: No no, they’re gorgeous, lord. I just…I don’t know. I feel weird talking about it with them?
Laurent4321: How come?
OMGcheckplease: It’s hard talking about guys in general, with the way I grew up. And I worry that if I admit to thinking a hockey player is hot, they’ll think I feel that way about them, if that makes sense
OMGcheckplease: They’re not like that, thank god. Not at all. But it’s hard to shut off that tiny voice telling me that it’s different if I ogle guys, since I’m actually gay
OMGcheckplease: Oh gosh, this conversation got away from me, I’m sorry!
Laurent4321: No, I get it. I’m bi and even though my friends are fine with it, talking about girls feels so different from talking about guys.
OMGcheckplease: Yeah? I’m glad I’m not alone
OMGcheckplease: So why the Falcs? Do you live in Providence now or are you just a fan of the fact that half their lineup looks like they stepped out of a GQ photoshoot?
Laurent4321: I do, actually.
Laurent4321: Live in Providence, I mean.
Laurent4321: Sorry I haven’t mentioned it. I know you’re nearby.
OMGcheckplease: I am! Wow, that’s cool!
Laurent4321: Do you ever go to games? Maybe I’ll catch you at one sometime.
OMGcheckplease: We watch on TV. None of us can really afford that
Laurent4321: Well I have box seats if you ever wanna go.
OMGcheckplease: Haha I’m sure you do
OMGcheckplease: Thanks, Jack. I’m still stomaching taking that oven from you, but I’ll keep that in mind.
Laurent4321: Please do.
OMGcheckplease: That oven you still haven’t named, MIND YOU!
OMGcheckplease: Hockey names…hmm. Bob? After the elder Zimmermann?
Laurent4321: No.
Laurent4321: Just not a good name for an oven, is it?
OMGcheckplease: You’re right, you’re right. I suppose I shouldn’t suggest Wayne then
Laurent4321: I liked Betsy. Maybe we stay away from hockey and go with another woman's name?
Laurent4321: What about Bitsy?
OMGcheckplease: …you literally just changed one letter
Laurent4321: Well I haven’t exactly named an oven before.
OMGcheckplease: Bitsy it is, then.
OMGcheckplease: Hey, this is random but do you have any interest in switching to text? I’d love to send you pics of the oven when it comes. It’s getting delivered tomorrow, I can’t wait!!
OMGcheckplease: No pressure, of course
Laurent4321: That’s a good idea.
Laurent4321: Send me your number. I’ve gotta go to work, but I’ll text you, okay?
OMGcheckplease: Okay, Jack (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)
Bitty: I got Jack’s number!!
Bitty: Laurent, I mean! Turns out Jack’s his real name
Lardo: Get it Bits
Bitty: Haha thanks
Bitty: You don’t think this whole thing is weird?
Lardo: I liked that comment he left. He seems like a thoughtful guy
Bitty: He is. Lord.
Bitty: What if he’s a bank robber though? What if that’s how he makes his money?
Bitty: Or what if he scams little old ladies! That happened to Moomaw once
Lardo: I kinda doubt that lmao
Bitty: He lives in Providence, you know
Lardo: Shit.
Bitty: Yeah
Bitty: Shit
Bitty: gooood morning Jack! Happy Bitsy delivery day!!
Bitty: How are you celebrating this national holiday?
Bitty: oh, this is Bitty by the way
Bitty: Eric, I mean. Bittle. From YouTube!
Jack: Good morning, Eric.
Jack: Yes, I realized it was you.
Jack: Believe it or not, I can’t think of anyone else who would celebrate an oven being delivered.
Bitty: I bet Ina Garten would!!
Jack: Who?
Bitty: omg Jack
Bitty: am I the only baker you know?!
Jack: Didn’t I just say that?
Bitty: You don’t watch anyone else’s baking channel though?
Jack: Oh. No.
Jack: Just yours.
Jack: I was actually watching one of your videos earlier. The one where you make mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Bitty: Aww how fun! Getting into the no oven required recipes, huh?
Jack: Oh I don’t think I’ll make it.
Jack: It would end in a very minty mess if I tried.
Bitty: I’m sure that’s not true, give yourself more credit hon!
Bitty: Wait, why were you watching it then?
Jack: No particular reason.
Bitty: I know you’re lying Mister!!
Bitty: It’s those southern spidey senses. They’re real, I tell you. Real!
Jack: I’m starting to think they might be.
Jack: In all honesty, I was anxious.
Jack: It calms me down when someone’s talking.
Jack: Usually I call a friend or my parents but when it happens in the middle of the night, sometimes I watch your videos.
Jack: They’re soothing.
Jack: Sorry. I know that’s weird.
Bitty: Not weird at all! The only weird part is anyone finding my little ole drawl soothing
Jack: It is.
Bitty: You sure do know how to make a boy blush!
Bitty: Do you wanna talk about it? What you were anxious about?
Jack: Just work stuff
Jack: Are you ever frozen by the fear that you’re letting everyone around you down?
Bitty: You’re talking to the boy who faints on the ice at least once a month, hon
Bitty: I get it
Bitty: But a wise man named Laurent once told me that I’m not a burden. That the people around me are there to help
Jack: He sounds like an idiot
Bitty: Nonsense. He has his moments
Jack: Thanks Eric.
Jack: For listening, I mean. It means a lot.
Bitty: It’s my pleasure!!
Bitty: Talk as much as you want, as long as you’ve got a party hat on. it’s Bitsy’s first birthday!!!
Jack: I have streamers leftover from a friend’s birthday. Maybe I could wrap them around my own oven
Bitty: Well that sounds like a huge hazard I’m sad to say
Bitty: I like where your head’s at though! What’s your oven’s name?
Jack: …Ovey
Bitty: The wonders of your mind never cease, sweetheart
Kegster? I hardly know her!
Holster: Alright boys, getting laid is MANDATORY tonight
Holster: I dont want to hear anyyyy excuses
Shitty: Does cyber sex count?
Lardo: Bro
Shitty: …I meant for Bitty and Laurent
Lardo: Oh
Ransom: lmaoooooooooooooo
Holster: pretty sure dude just cockblocked himself
Shitty: I mean I couuuuld hypothetically mean it for otherrrr hypothetical members of the hypothetical haus
Ransom: what a save
Bitty: Oh so now you get the hypothetical thing?
Holster: He’s hypothetically horny
Nursey: Hypothetically desperate
Shitty: hypothetically fuck you
Lardo: just DM me dumbass, jesus
Holster: oh ho hoooo
Dex: fine
Ransom: double fine actually
Ransom: anyways, B and L arent exclusive, right?
Bitty: …B and L? Really?
Shitty: Wait is that me and Lardo or Bitty and Laurent?
Chowder: Wouldn’t that be S and L?
Shitty: my name starts with a B, bud
Chowder: It does?!!!
Ransom: I forgot your legal name isn’t Shitty, man
Shitty: Good
Ransom: Anyways, I meant Bits and Laurent
Bitty: omg enough
Bitty: we’re not anything!
Bitty: at least I don’t think we are
Holster: well that sounds confident
Bitty: I’m gonna go prep some pie dough, the oven’s coming soon!
Nursey: he’s totally baking out his sexual frustration
Bitty: and you’re not getting any!!
Nursey: well neither are you lmfao
Bitty: DEREK MALIK NURSE
Holster: oh fuck
Shitty: ur done for, nurse
Nursey: yea i know
Bitty: [2 images attached, tap to download]
Bitty: She’s here and she’s BEAUTIFUL! Radiant! A shining staaaar!!! ꉂ(˵˃ ᗜ ˂˵)
Jack: Amazing. Bitsy and Bitty, eh? You two make a great pair.
Bitty: Oh lord somehow I didn’t connect that
Bitty: Do I seem vain or what?
Jack: I think it’s perfect
Jack: So she’ll get the job done?
Bitty: Are you kidding me? Huge upgrade from Betsy
Bitty: (may she rest in peace)
Jack: I won’t tell her ghost.
Bitty: Thanks, hon
Bitty: This is perfect timing! Now I can bake for the party tonight!!
Jack: You’re having a party?
Bitty: I’m in college. I live in a frat house. We’re always having a party
Jack: Well, be safe, Eric.
Jack: Enjoy your many, many pies.
Bitty: Thanks!!
Jack: Will you be posting a video?
Bitty: Yeah, I think so! I might throw a slapdash video up before things get too wild
Bitty: Anything you’ve been looking to learn to make? I MUST do something in your honor to christen her
Jack: Oh wow
Jack: I’ll love anything as long as it’s your recipe.
Bitty: Come on, make a request! Even just an ingredient
Bitty: Please? For me?
Jack: Okay.
Jack: Maybe something with maple?
Bitty: Wow you sure are canadian ehhhh?
Bitty: Consider it done though
Jack: (:
Bitty: I didn’t know you used emoticons!
Jack: Just for you
Jack: Don’t spread it around
Bitty: Your secret’s safe with me Jack (;
New Upload: Meet My New Oven + Pregaming with Maple Apple Pie!
34 comments:
girlzgirlzgirlz: This looks sooo yummy! Have fun tonight!
erbsfuturehubby111: bitsy’s almost as pretty as you ;)))
Laurent4321: Love it. I can’t wait to make it for myself. You’re so talented.
Bitty: helloOOO hellooooo jacobbbbbb
Bitty: or jackathy? Whats ur name short forrrrr
Jack: I’m not sure Jackathy is a name.
Jack: I am sure you’re drunk though.
Bitty: nonsenseeenfnf
Bitty: i lov this song tho, turn it uppp
Jack: I have no way of doing that.
Jack: Please drink water, Eric.
Bitty: eric, my my my, so formallll
Bitty: u make me feel! Like the prince in the little mermaid
Jack: What?
Bitty: his name iseric toooooo
Bitty: and ur the little mermaid
Bitty: awww
Jack: Do you have any pie left over? You should eat some.
Bitty: greaaaaat idea
Bitty: some day ill beeeee
Bitty: part of ur worlddddd
Bitty: fuck mashvo, marry zim, kill the old guy
Jack: What?
Jack: I have a feeling I’ll be asking that a lot tonight.
Bitty: thats my answer
Bitty: we were playing fm k and i was too afraid to answer but im not AFRAID ANYMORE
Bitty: thats my THRUTH
Jack: Are you eating pie?
Bitty: Jack.
Bitty: i feel bad for killing the old guy..
Bitty: Fuck
Jack: Who?
Bitty: Whats his face!
Bitty: the hot old guy!!
Bitty: h old on lemme ask nurse
Bitty: Robinson!!!!
Bitty: I killed him and I coldnt even remember his NAM E
Bitty: Robinson has kids! KIDS
Bitty: I mean, probably. Idk but like hes old
Bitty: FUTURE GRANDKDs
Bitty: and i killed him
Bitty: all because zimmarman has kind eyes and an ass that will never everrrr quit
Bitty: i think i might be a mosnter
Jack: …wait, are you talking about the Falcs?
Bitty: yessss
Bitty: your boyssss
Jack: Oh
Jack: Pie?
Bitty: yes, yes, im eating it
Jack: Do you have anything with protein? You need protein.
Bitty: pie is protein if u just believe!!
Jack: What’s your address? I’ll send you a burger
Bitty: omfmfgj
Bitty: noooo my friends will never stop calling me ur sugar dadd y
Bitty: which wd be fine if u were but u mean more than that to meee
Bitty: I’m not talking to u for ur money
Bitty: nor ur beak!!
Bitty: im here for ur eneergy n u r surprisingly weirdly funny
Bitty: u make me giggle mister zambroni !!
Jack: Thanks. I think. If I read that correctly.
Jack: I’ll just get burger king, nothing fancy. You need to eat.
Jack: Where on campus can I have it delivered?
Bitty: Ughhhh fineeeee just look up the hockey haus at samwell u cannot miss it
Bitty: the wallow prints out address like 2 a week basically
Bitty: swallow****
Bitty: they should rename it spit ha haaaa
Bitty: omg!! Jello shotttsssss
Jack: No, Eric, don’t
Jack: You know what tastes good? Water
Bitty: ugh shut up and danceeee
Bitty: no ones dancingggg
Jack: Somehow, I doubt that’s true.
Bitty: theyre straight ppl dancing. They SUCK
Bitty: hold on i gotta twerk it out brb
RIP Derek Nurse
Dex: whos on nursey patrol
Nursey: im sofuckckcigi n
Dex: isnt chowder?
Holster: chowder went up w farm lik n hr ago
Lardo: I can take over
Dex: thanks
Nursey: urrrr a da n care bear willy
Dex: what
Nursey: the one w w a stirm cloudd on his tummy!!!!
Holster: how do we feel abt bro threesomes
Holster: threesomes
Holster: but w bros
Ransom: ???
Shitty: amazing
Shitty: we feel amazing about them
Holster: shittyyyyy
Holster: how was the skype esexxxxx
Shitty: I think Lardo would murder me if I answered that
Lardo: yep
Bitty: NOBODYS DNDANCING
Bitty: wait
Bitty: why didnt tmhe mermaid write shit down
Bitty: was she illiterate/
Bitty: thats so sad im gonna cry
Shitty: holy shit, I think we need bitty patrol
Dex: Bitty, did you order something? There’s food here from you
Dex: for* you
Bitty: Ugh that’s from Jack. he thinksks pie is not a food group or somthing
Bitty: I bet his face is as stupid as he is
Shitty: what
Shitty: who the fuck is Jack?
Bitty: Laurenttt! He was using a secret identity like a spyyyy
Shitty: wait what
Bitty: holy shit he sent like a million burgers
Bitty: and ten million chicken nuggetess
Bitty: FRIES
Holster: What?! Bittys sugar daddy for the winnnn
Bitty: im going up to the reading room, come get it there before the vultures descenddd
Bitty: bring tequila!!!!
Lardo: no one listen to that
Lardo: save me some nugs tho
Jack: Good morning
Jack: You doing okay?
Bitty: What?
Bitty: Oh my god
Bitty: Is there any chance you can get your memories of last night surgically removed
Jack: Why would I want to forget you telling me I’m the little mermaid?
Bitty: kill me now
Jack: I think the alcohol already did that bud.
Jack: Did you get the food?
Bitty: Oh my goodness I didn’t even THANK YOU?
Bitty: I’m so embarrassed
Bitty: Yes! I got it! You are a lifesaver!!
Bitty: Literally. Pretty sure you saved at least fifteen co-eds from going to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. Thank you, Jack
Jack: Sure.
Jack: Chicken tenders heal all wounds.
Jack: Or nuggets, in this case.
Bitty: haha
Bitty: Seriously thank you
Bitty: And seriously, forget everything I said
Jack: Never gonna happen.
Bitty: You’ll change your mind once I bribe you with pie ;D
RIP Eric Richard Bittle
Holster: who tf put the leftover burgers in the freezer
Nursey: whoops i was aiming for the fridge, my b
Ransom: I’m impressed you got that close honestly
Bitty: there’s leftovers?
Ransom: ayyyy he’s awake!!
Ransom: the man of the hourrrr
Bitty: what the hell happened last night
Bitty: why do i only have one sock on
Lardo: you said you were “half cold”
Bitty: ah, of course
Shitty: So, Bitty. Bits. Bittaaaay
Bitty: Can we save the chirps for later, I might vom
Shitty: His name’s Jack?
Bitty: What?
Shitty: Laurent. His real name’s Jack?
Bitty: Lardo told you?! I’m never trusting either of you again!
Lardo: Bitty, you told the whole group chat last night
Bitty: Oh. Whoops. Sorry hon
Lardo: it’s fine lmao
Shitty: and according to gofundme, his last name starts with a Z?
Bitty: yeah, so?
Shitty: so he’s Jack Laurent Z?
Bitty: I guess? Why, are you trying to add him on Facebook?
Bitty: please don’t be weird!!
Ransom: oh my god
Ransom: oh MY GODDDDDDDDDDDD
Bitty: What?
Bitty: is it a roach? Dex, will you go kill it?
Holster: im too hungover to peice together whats happening rn lmao
Ransom: NOOOO FUCKCKING WAAAAY
Shitty: bro i know
Shitty: i know
Bitty: ???
Holster: OH NO WAYYYY
Holster: Rans filled me in
Holster: I’m impressed u both know his middle name
Ransom: Well, he’s my canadian brethren and Shitty’s a fan boy
Shitty: rude!!!
Shitty: but true
Shitty: this is fuckinggg INSANEEE
Shitty: unREAAALLL
Ransom: but maybe hes just using the name?
Lardo: oh my god will one of you idiots translate?
Shitty: god tier NHL star and fine ass man Jack Zimmermann’s middle name is Laurent
Chowder: :O :O :O WHAT
Ransom: this is so unfair
Ransom: ive wanted to bone zimmermann since i was like 15!!
Shitty: u literally said youd kill him in FMK
Ransom: well, mashkov has my heart now
Ransom: but zimmermann will always be my first…
Holster: and Bitty’s first!!!
Bitty: what in the world are you even talking about
Shitty: Bits. Jack Zimmermann’s middle name is Laurent. He’s a millionaire
Nursey: dude hes 25. I just googled
Nursey: that ass thoooo. Get it bits
Bitty: No
Bitty: Absolutely not. Y’all are pulling my leg
Shitty: am not!!
Bitty: are too!
Shitty: google it yourself if you don’t believe me man
Bitty: I don’t care what his middle name is! There’s no universe where that would happen.
Bitty: Does my Jack live in Providence? sure! and I mean yes he’s French Canadian but I’m sure there’s more than ONE French Canadian named Jack living in Providence, right?
Bitty: Have I awoken to an alternate universe where coincidence doesn’t exist?!!
Ransom: dude
Shitty: WHAT
Nursey: can I turn that into an erasure poem abt denial PLEASE
Shitty: ERIC RICHARD BITTLE
Shitty: are u KIDDING MEEEE
Holster: do you hear yourself when you talk or has all that very loud pop music destroyed u forever
Lardo: It might really be him, Bits
Lardo: I don’t see why he would bother, like, planting all these intricate clues if it wasn’t.
Bitty: No. What hockey player watches some random guy’s baking vlog? I’m not even popular!!
Shitty: one whose masculinity isn’t as fragile as a tissue
Nursey: one who has a hard on for u
Ransom: one with stunning blue eyes, apparently
Lardo: You are literally also a hockey player
Bitty: uh I’m not one who’s won A STANLEY CUP
Ransom: he’s won two
Ransom: it’s like u didn’t even pay attention to the powerpoint man
Bitty: It was like 60 slides and I had pies to tend to!
Bitty: lord none of this matters. it can’t be HIM
Bitty: can it?
Bitty: I mean, Zimmermann must be straight
Ransom: okay now I’m really offended
Ransom: were u high during our presentation? U can tell me
Shitty: not the time man
Ransom: there were like 4 slides dedicated to his sexuality! I thought that would reel bitty in!
Bitty: His sexuality? What do you mean his sexuality?
Holster: he was caught w some dude a few years ago and came out as bi
Ransom: that’s slides 42-44
Holster: not a bf tho! He’s single!!!
Ransom: not anymore he’s not!!
Bitty: Oh.
Shitty: …your Jack is bi, huh?
Bitty: he’s…I mean…
Bitty: oh goodness gracious, he did say he could get me box seats to falcs games
Ransom: HE WHAT
Holster: BRO WHAT THE HELLL
Holster: ur holding out on us!!! What did we ever do to you?
Dex: besides subject him to endless powerpoints?
Lardo: and set him up on a string of shitty dates even though he’s hot enough to pull Jack Zimmermann?
Holster: uncalled for! fine!
Lardo: for what
Holster: being a meany head this early in the morning
Chowder: This is so so cool! The Falcs are playing the Sharks soon!! Could we go?!
Chowder: Oh, sorry Bitty, I shouldn’t take advantage of your boyfriend
Nursey: jack zimmermann is a sugar daddy. This is insane
Ransom: wait, this makes total sense! He loves blondes!!!
Shitty: tiny ones apparently
Bitty: lord I am too hungover for this
Bitty: I think, if you would excuse me gentlemen, I am going to go throw up a smidge
Lardo: I’ve got you Bits
Bitty: thank you kindly
Shitty: holy fuck
Bitty: Hi Jack
Jack: Feeling better?
Bitty: Not really, but I’ll survive
Bitty: Jack. Will you send me a selfie? I want to check something
Jack: What do you want to check?
Bitty: If you’re Jack Zimmermann
Jack: Oh.
Jack: [1 image attached, tap to download]
Jack: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you myself.
Bitty: That’s you. You’re him. I/
Bitty: How do I know you didn’t just take that from google though?!
Bitty: sorry I don’t know how to wrap my mind around this
Bitty: any of this
Jack: No, that’s fair.
Jack: Oh, one sec
Jack: [2 images attached, tap to download]
Jack: This is me with the s’mores mousse I made using your recipe.
Jack: And the second one’s Tater with it. He said he needed proof that I can make a decent dessert and then he ate half of it.
Jack: The healthy peanut butter pie I wanted to make was for him.
Bitty: oh my lord
Bitty: You were gonna desecrate my moomaw’s recipe…for Alexei Mashkov?
Jack: Yes. He likes peanut butter.
Jack: I didn’t though. I kept my promise.
Jack: And I won’t tell him.
Bitty: tell him what?
Jack: That you’d sleep with him
Bitty: What?
Bitty: OH MY GOD
Bitty: I said I’d marry you
Jack: You did.
Jack: I’m sorry. I know you didn’t know who you were talking to.
Jack: I’m flattered though. Well, and surprised.
Jack: I don’t come off well in interviews. I think most people would choose to kill me
Jack: And Thirdy’s great. You should have chosen him
Jack: Granted he’s straight and married, but still.
Bitty: Jack…
Jack: I’m sorry. I know this is weird.
Jack: I didn’t know how to bring it up.
Jack: And dating’s really hard with my name and everything. I was just enjoying getting to know you.
Jack: I should have told you sooner though. I’m so sorry.
Bitty: …dating?
Jack: Oh. I’m not saying we’re dating. Just that I’d like to? Take you out, I mean.
Jack: We’re going on a roadie tomorrow. But maybe when we’re back?
Bitty: A roadie?
Jack: Yes. We have a game against the Oilers.
Bitty: Right. Because you’re a stanley cup champion.
Jack: Well not yet this year. Fingers crossed though.
Bitty: jesus christ jack
Jack: I’m sorry
Bitty: oh my god stop apologizing for being rich and famous!!
Jack: Okay
Bitty: okay
Jack: Okay?
Bitty: Yes
Jack: Yes?
Bitty: Lord, this is a ridiculous conversation. Yes, Jack, I’ll go on a date with you when you’re back.
Jack: Great. How’s Friday? You don’t have a game that day.
Bitty: No, we don’t
Jack: I know. I checked your schedule.
Bitty: Oh
Jack: I’ll pick you up at 7 if that works for you.
Bitty: Okay, yeah, good
Jack: Are you disappointed?
Jack: That I’m me?
Bitty: Hahahahaaahaha
Bitty: ha hah ah
Jack: What does that mean?
Bitty: It means you’re a ridiculous boy, like always!
Bitty: Jack. Of course I’m not disappointed.
Bitty: I meant what I said last night
Bitty: You’re absolutely gorgeous
Jack: You are too.
Bitty: wait
Bitty: OH MY GOD
Jack: What?
Bitty: I suggested naming the oven after your DAD
Jack: haha yeah
Jack: and my uncle
Bitty: Your uncle?
Jack: Wayne
Bitty: …I need to lie down
Jack: Text me when you’re up, okay?
Jack: I’m gonna make that maple apple pie recipe today and I may need some tips.
Bitty: What, is my video not thorough enough for you?
Jack: I deserve that.
Jack: If it’ll help, you can start criticizing my hockey plays.
Bitty: That’s terrible revenge, you’d love that, wouldn’t you?
Jack: I would.
Jack: I could use some tips on speed.
Jack: And hey, if you ever need help with the checking thing, I’m here.
Jack: I can get us ice time if you want to come out to Providence.
Bitty: Oh wow. Thanks Jack
Bitty: Okay, I really do need to lie down
Bitty: But I can call you later about the pie?
Jack: I’d love that
Bitty: :)) <3
Eric Richard Zimmermann & Co
Holster: is anyone else hearing that
Ransom: I sure am!!
Shitty: What? Hearing what?
Shitty: I’m not joking about that nanny cam, guys
Chowder: I think they’re referring to Bitty giggling!!
Shitty: GIGGLINGGG?
Shitty: fuckcing GIGGLING?
Shitty: yet he still hasnt given us deets? Wtf???
Nursey: yup. We should kick him out of the group chat
Dex: Please don’t. We need Jack to pay for the dryer
Nursey: Enough. Go out and live a little, William
Nursey: touch some roses, smell some grass, etc
Dex: I’m too busy smelling moldy clothes
Shitty: okay but is Jack THEE Jack? Has he confirmed?
Lardo: nope
Holster: ugh he kicked us out of the kitchen!!
Holster: I think we can fine him for all the giggling tho
Ransom: I heard at least one sweetheart! At least!
Shitty: !!!!
Jack: You sure I did okay?
Bitty: you did great, honey!
Bitty: it was really nice talking to you
Bitty: I like your accent
Bitty: like, a lot a lot
Jack: I like yours too.
Bitty: You’ve heard it before!!
Jack: I know. But I like it even more when it’s just for me.
Bitty: awww
Bitty: I’m real excited for our date!
Jack: Me too. (-:
Bitty: Two smileys in two days? And this one has a nose? You must like me a lot Mr. Zimmermann
Jack: I do Mr. Bittle
Jack: ((:
Bitty: are you sure you can’t just very kindly ask the oilers to push the game back a week?
Jack: I wish.
Jack: I’ll text when I’m gone though.
Bitty: it’s okay if you’re too busy to!
Jack: No, I want to.
Jack: and I have to.
Bitty: you have to?
Jack: Well, the first time you messaged me was before a game.
Jack: and I scored twice.
Jack: So
Jack: I mean, you’re a hockey player. You get it.
Bitty: OMG Jack! Are you saying I’m your good luck charm?!
Jack: Yeah. I am.
Bitty: I’ll have to make you some homemade bread and jam for your PB&Js then!
Jack: That would be amazing.
Jack: I wish I could make you something.
Bitty: Why don’t you score a goal for me tomorrow, handsome?
Jack: Done
Eric ‘Traitor’ Zimmermann & Co
Bitty: I was not giggling, I was laughing. There’s a difference!!
Shitty: BITTYYY
Shitty: SO?????????
Bitty: oh. Yeah, it’s him
Bitty: we’re going on a date on Friday, when he’s back from his roadie
Shitty: oH MY GODDDDD
Nursey: dudeeee
Lardo: nice
Holster: his roadie
Holster: ah, yes, his casual pilgrimage to Edmonton to fight the oilers for the Stanley cup. That one
Shitty: is he good to you? Do we need to give him the shovel talk?
Shitty: Calder winners aren’t immune to shovel talks
Bitty: he’s real sweet!!
Nursey: jack zimmermann? sweet?
Nursey: he knows like 6 words and 3 of them are hockey
Holster: the other 3 are “uh”
Dex: this math makes no sense
Bitty: oh stop, he’s a sweetie pie!!
Dex: oh my god fine
Ransom: I think you might be the first person in history to describe Jack Zimmermann as a “sweetie pie”
Bitty: well he is one!
Bitty: he made one of my recipes and brought it to a Falcs potluck and Mashkov loved it haha
Ransom: wha
Holster: bro. Not cool.
Holster: he’s dead now
Bitty: oops
Chowder: That’s so cool!! Are we watching the game together on Wednesday?!
Bitty: Sure! I’ll make some cupcakes :)
Chowder: yaaaay
Bitty: Jack said he’d score for me lol
Shitty: inSANE
Lardo: I can practically hear the frantic thumbs racing to make terrible jokes
Holster: YEAH he DID
Nursey: okay, that’s hot
Ransom: OH HE’S GONNA SCORE
Lardo: called it
New Upload: Falconers Cupcakes — Cheering On My New Favorite Team!!
19 comments:
brutheday: ur a Falcs fan? but u live in Boston! Betrayal!!
erbsfuturehubby111: hot and talented? what can’t he do?!
Laurent4321: Nice.
Jack: I love the cupcakes.
Jack: Tater says we should get to eat all of them.
Bitty: aww shucks!
Bitty: you showed him the video?!
Jack: More like he watched it over my shoulder.
Jack: He got really into it though.
Jack: I told the guys about you, they’re really excited.
Bitty: aww!
Bitty: my friends are excited too. Well, they have been for awhile, since they thought you were my sugar daddy
Jack: haha
Jack: I realize this won’t disprove their point, but I can definitely get you all tickets to our next home game.
Bitty: I’d love that
Bitty: as long as I can meet you 1 on 1 first without both our teams hounding us
Jack: Oh definitely.
Jack: Friday still good?
Bitty: Friday’s still great (ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ)♡
Jack: You’ll have to teach me one day how you make all these little faces.
Jack: They’re so cute.
Bitty: Sure thing! Good luck tonight sweetheart
Jack: I don’t need luck
Jack: I have you, remember?
Bitty: (๑ > ᴗ < ๑)
GOOO BITTY’s BOTFRIEND
Bitty: botfriend?
Shitty: I’m DRUNK AND EMOTIONAL
Shitty: I can’t believe I couldn’t make it down for this
Shitty: this is HERSTORY
Lardo: I think it’s history in this case
Bitty: we’re just watching on the gross couch eating cupcakes! Nothing new!
Ransom: “nothing new” lmfao
Ransom: oh look there’s the guy u were calling sweetheart yesterday
Holster: and today probably
Bitty: …no comment
Holster: fuCK
Ransom: THAT ASSIST
Shitty: omfg forget abt Mashkov for 5 seconds will u
Shitty: that goal was for BITS
Shitty: hellooo??
Lardo: they’re all dog piling him
Lardo: off ice cellie
Shitty: I just shed a tear
Shitty: so fucking proud of my boys
Ransom: if he keeps scoring like that, they should put Bitty’s name on the cup this season
Bitty: STOP
Bitty: Great game, honey!
Bitty: you scored!!!
Jack: I told you I would.
Bitty: Still! So exciting!
Jack: It was. Thanks for watching.
Bitty: You couldn’t keep me away!!
Jack: What are you still doing up?
Bitty: too much excitement and too much sugar. A lethal combo really
Jack: Would you want to maybe callsjdje
Jack: Little B! Is your boyfriend Jack! I win for you so now you give me cupcakes, yes? Yum yum ))))))
Bitty: what
Jack: I’m SO sorry, Tater took my phone.
Jack: He's desperate for your baking. Not desperate enough to do a good impression of me apparently.
Bitty: Oh! I’ll send something back with you for him on Friday then!
Jack: I may eat it all. He doesn’t deserve any sweets after that.
Bitty: lol fair
Bitty: I think we got interrupted…but if you’re really up for it, I’d love to call!
Jack: Gimme five
Bitty: :))
D-DAYYYYY
Bitty: whoever changed the group chat name gets no pie for the next week
Shitty: ugh you’re no fun
Lardo: you gonna be here soon, shits?
Shitty: ya I’ll leave in 5
Bitty: Shitty Knight
Bitty: Are you coming over tonight just to meet Jack?
Shitty: no
Shitty: I’m coming over tonight to see Lardo
Shitty: and to tell Jack that if he does anything to hurt you, we will smother him in his fucking sleep
Ransom: bro puts the jack in jacked
Ransom: I’m not going up against him
Shitty: that’s why we wait til he’s asleep!!
Ransom: still…
Holster: u just don’t wanna get on Mashkov’s bad side
Bitty: aww I don’t think Tater has a bad side
Shitty: TATER
Nursey: TATER
Holster: TATER
Holster: oh man, Rans died again
Chowder: Gosh, I can’t wait to meet Jack! This is gonna be sooo cool!!!
Bitty: guys he’s gonna be here for 30 seconds and then we’re leaving
Holster: …ur not gonna bring him home after?
Lardo: he’s so red rn lol
Holster: you’re with him?!
Lardo: yeah, we’re picking out his outfit
Lardo: he’s gotten changed 6 times
Bitty: LARDO
Ransom: say no more, I’m on my way
Bitty: thanks, Rans
Holster: me too!
Bitty: you stay out, you’re useless
Dex: uh guys
Bitty: my room is full, no more visitors!
Dex: Should I send Jack away then?
Dex: he’s here and his ass is shockingly large
Dex: Chowder won’t stop babbling
Shitty: FUCK
Shitty: I feel like I heard Bitty’s screech from here
Lardo: you probably did
Bitty: Lardo I am going to vomit
Bitty: why did we pick this shirt?!
Lardo: You look great and Jack was making mega heart eyes at you. It’s all good
Lardo: shouldn’t you be, like, talking to him rn?
Bitty: he may or may not be signing autographs
Bitty: am I in way over my head?
Bitty: I am, right?
Bitty: he’s famous and I’m…me
Lardo: Yeah. You’re hot and cool and nice and he really fucking likes you
Lardo: chill, Bits
Bitty: thanks nursey
Bitty: soooo what are you and Shitty up to tonight?
Lardo: …gotta go bye
JLZ + ERB 4EVER
Dex: that is the biggest fine in the history of fines
Nursey: honestly, yeah
Shitty: WHAT WHAT HAPPENED
Shitty: fuck even when I’m here I miss everything!!
Dex: Zimmermann walked Bits to the door and kissed him good night
Holster: WAS THERE TONGUE
Dex: idk
Chowder: I think maybe. It was a sweet kiss though! Jack was cradling his face and everything. Sooo cute
Bitty: Wow. Betrayed by my favorite son. I can’t believe this
Chowder: Sorry Bitty!! Did Jack leave you fine money though?
Shitty: HAUS MEETING IN 5
Shitty: we need DEEETS
Bitty: as long as you give deets too
Lardo: idk what you’re on about man
Lardo: you had fun though?
Bitty: Yeah. I had a great time :))
Dex: fine
Bitty: oh my lord
Bitty: Jack said he’ll buy your damn dryer and we’ll call it an advance. Happy?
Dex: YES
Ransom: an advance, eh?
Holster: wow, Jack really brings out the Canadian in you. That’s beautiful bro
Shitty: BITTYS GNA HAVE A CANADIAN IN HIM
Ransom: IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH A CANADIAN IN ME
Ransom: fuck you beat me
Shitty: slow poke
Holster: omg wait
Holster: we need to update the powerpoint!!
Ransom: Already done, man. Already done
New Upload: Teaching My Boyfriend How to Make Mini Pies!
292 comments:
mashkovmuchluv: What happen to mini pies? I take them off hands, even ugly ones Jack mess up. Is really no problem
Laurent4321: Wow. You’re so charitable.
mashkovmashlov: I not buy oven for him but I try best ))))
erbsfuturehubby111: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Worst. Day. Ever.
martinhatrick: the screAM I SCREAMED WHEN JACK MFING ZIMMERMANN TENDERLY WIPED FLOUR OFF UR NOSE. U HAVE DEPROGRAMMED OUR HOCKEY ROBOT AND FOR THAT WE R INDEBTED TO U
zimmermannssassetts: no seriously. and the way he’s been playing lately…Eric Bittle you are a god amongst men
shknightinarmor: OPENLY WEEPING. THEY GROW UP SO FAST
oluransypoo: lmao so I guess I’m not the only one who found Bitty’s vlog through NHL Twitter
lizlemonssss: GROUP CHAT IN THE YOUTUBE COMMENTS BABYYYY -H
oluransypoo: wow, who would have guessed the Liz Lemon user is you? So glad you signed it
sharkzrule55: Hi guys! It’s Chowder! Bitty’s vlog is SO cool isn’t it? :D
oluransypoo: okay we all need to just assume we can guess whose username is whose based on context lmao
donniedarkoss: can we though?
williampoindexter: Yes, Nurse. Only you would have such an edgelord username
donniedarkoss: fuck
Laurent4321: Hi guys, I’m Laurent. Big fan of SMH hockey.
shknightinarmor: HAHA I would die for you Laurent ;)
Laurent4321: (:
OMGcheckplease: I am blocking every last one of you
Laurent4321: Great video as always. I have a lot of thoughts on your boyfriend’s latticework though.
OMGcheckplease: Bring 'em on. He loves constructive criticism.