Chapter Text
A paring knife.
No kitchen was complete without one.
It was as essential as the stars.
It was a short knife compared to other kitchen knives. Its spine was just barely curved and its slim and narrow blade was a mere nine centimeters on average. The tip was tapered and sharpened to a precise point. The edge of the paring knife rivaled that of larger knives after being honed.
It was designed for detailed work and was sharper than a razor. It could cut through the outside of the pineapple like it was nothing. It slid through the thick outer layer of fruits and vegetables like a hot blade through butter.
The slender design let the blade be controlled with such precision that even small herbs could be uniformly sliced to perfection. With a light touch and pristine agility, it could even be used to remove each individual seed of a strawberry one at a time.
And most importantly,
It was so sharp it could glide through the excess fat of a slab of pork and trim it off without even gashing nor damaging the hearty meat fibers underneath.
A paring knife’s versatility was endless.
~
Rumi’s jaw was locked painfully tight as she sat on the floor in the bathroom of her home. Her back was firmly pressed up against the wall as she braced her feet up against the cabinet doors below the sink.
She was in her school uniform, or well partially.
She had on black and white Converse with a black leggings and a black and navy blue plaid skirt.
The top half of her uniform, which included a navy blue blazer, a matching vest and a white button up shirt, was resting over a towel rack.
On the floor next to the toilet, there was a striped tie.
Rumi was sitting on the floor in just her bra.
And she was shaking. Her chest trembled so hard it hurt. Her finger tips were firmly pressed against one another as she tried to regain control of her breathing, of her body.
Her classes had started an hour ago but she had been on the floor half an hour before that.
She didn’t even know what happened. Everything had been fine. She had been on the phone with Zoey all night working on homework before the girl in the class below her had fallen asleep. And then early this morning, Mira had called her to make sure she didn’t sleep through her alarms.
And just before Rumi went to walk out of the quiet house and walk to school, something hit her.
It hit her hard.
The silence.
Celine was in another country on yet another important CEO business trip. She had told Rumi she’d be back sometime Friday.
She had left Sunday night.
It was only Wednesday morning.
But the silence of the empty house was already gnawing into Rumi’s soul. That’s why she had been calling her friends so much.
The silence crept into her brain and itched at something she had been doing so well at ignoring recently.
Instead of leaving the house, she closed and locked the front door. She made her way through the kitchen. Despite her soft steps, her shoes crashed down like thunder that roared throughout the house.
Her heart rumbled back against the sound as it shook her eardrums.
With shaky and uneven breaths, her hand snatched a paring knife from the knife block. It came out with a sharp shngk. The metal slid across the wood and the blade hummed.
She didn’t even need to look at it to grab it. She knew exactly where the knife she wanted was out of muscle memory.
Rumi tossed the short blade into the bathroom and it clattered against the tile floor with a sickening sound that burned Rumi’s ears. She bared her teeth and grimaced.
Silence fell once again.
Closing her eyes, she drove her head down between her shoulders and screamed. Frustration and something else lingered inside her. Her entire core was rattled from within by her own cry of anguish.
She slid her backpack off and it hit the floor with a sharp thud. Her textbooks sounded like they had broken from the impact with how loud it was.
But once again the silence swarmed back inside her head as the sound of the thump faded.
Rumi took several sharp steps inside the bathroom before slamming the door shut behind her.
The whole wall shook as the door was forced closed.
She didn’t bother locking it. It wasn’t like Celine was here anyway.
Celine was never there.
Rumi tried to focus, she tried to focus on anything but the silence but the rumbling from the door being closed subsided. She placed her hands on the counter and braced herself. Her braid fell across her shoulder as she stared into the pearl white sink.
The white wasn’t glowing. It was dark.
She hasn’t even turned the light on.
Rumi let out another shout. She lowered her head and closed her eyes. With her right hand curling against the edge of the counter, she threw her left arm out.
The back of her hand stung as she struck the light switch.
Even with her eyes closed, the light that flooded into the room blinded her. It was overwhelming. Everything was too much right now.
The silence was too much.
Everything was overstimulating her.
Her breath hitched. She clenched her jaw tight while opening her eyes. Her vision blurred just slightly as the back of her nose started to tingle and burn.
She choked back the feeling and stared at the sink that was now glistening as it reflected the bathroom light off it. Her jaw clenched. She desperately tried to keep herself composed. She tensed and tightened every muscle in her body as she tried to get control of herself.
Her body shook.
She realized she wasn’t breathing.
With a sharp gasp, Rumi breathed in. Her eyes widened and her pupils shrunk. Oxygen painfully burned as it rushed into and filled her lungs.
She felt herself slipping.
She felt her legs growing numb.
The feeling trailed up into her spine and prickled at her neck.
Rumi quickly looked around the bathroom. She tried to pace but her feet merely shifted.
Her heart was racing faster and faster. She could feel the raging pulse inside her head. Her own raspy breaths clawed inside her ears. The sound drowned out the overwhelming silence but somehow it was worse.
She snapped.
The tears that were swelling up in her eyes and flooding her vision finally broke free. They cascaded down her face like a river breaking through a dam and she couldn’t stop them.
Baring her teeth, Rumi reached up and harshly tugged her tie off.
Her clothes were strangling her.
With a rough shout, she tossed her tie aside and braced her hands up against the wall.
She couldn’t do this.
She couldn’t figure out what went wrong.
Anxiety had consumed her in an instant from the silence and panic coursed through her veins and poisoned her blood.
She stared at her feet for the longest time. Her throat tightened with each breath she took. Feeling her warm tears trail down her cheeks, she closed her eyes. Her fingers clawed against the wall.
She couldn’t do this.
With a pained scream, Rumi jerked her arms out of the sleeves of her blazer and tossed it onto a rack.
Reaching behind her head, she moved her long braid out of the way and pulled her vest off. She threw it on top of her blazer with a weak and weary breath.
She was still suffocating.
Her fingers clawed at the collar of her shirt. Her nails fumbled with the top button. She was shaking too much to grab it. She couldn’t get it undone.
Turning around, she placed her back against the wall and stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her face was a deep shade of red and her eyes had glossed over from tears. They reflected the bathroom light more than the pearl white sink did.
She was breathing hard. Her chest violently moved with each inhale and exhale.
Rumi held her breath again. It was another desperate attempt to calm herself.
It didn’t help.
She sharply breathed in through her teeth and hissed. She coughed and gasped before closing her eyes again. Her fingers went back up to scratching at her neck.
She had to get her shirt off.
Rumi shouted so loudly her voice cracked. Her trembling fingers finally managed to get the top button undone.
A breath of relief fell across her, but it didn’t last long.
She quickly fumbled with the rest of the buttons. She didn’t know how long it took her, but the second she got the last one undone, she threw her shirt off and shoved it down on top of her vest.
Faint marks stretched across her arms, more so on her left arm. A majority of them were done healing, just slightly discolored lines of skin that would eventually fade. Others were still healing with skin lightly raised and a darker discoloration. Then there were the cuts that were still scabbing.
Rumi crumbled. Her back slid down against the wall. Her slightly sweaty skin stuck to the paint and pulled against her body. It felt like her flesh was being torn off her skeleton.
But oddly enough, the sensation was comforting.
The discomfort was something real she could focus on.
Now on the floor, she pushed her feet against the cabinets. She pressed hard while moving her hands up to press against each other too. Her body softly shook from the pressure she forced onto it. She gritted her teeth to the point it hurt and focused on the feeling.
She focused on the pressure.
Her breath got trapped in her lungs and a few hushed whimpers got caught in her throat.
Even though there was no one else in the house, she tried so hard to keep as silent as possible.
It only made the liquid in her eyes worsen though.
More and more of her warm tears tumbled down across her face as she tried to choke them back.
She had lost control of herself.
There was no stopping her from crying at this point.
Rumi sniffled hard against the mucus building up in her nose.
She knew she had to wait it out. She always hated the fact that she had to wait it out.
Her whole body trembled from deep within her bones.
Closing her eyes, she raised her shoulders while lowering her head. She pressed her hands even harder together as her muffled cries echoed inside the quiet and empty house.
Nearly an hour had passed in a blink of an eye.
She hadn’t even realized how quickly time had gone.
She never understood how it went by so fast when she got like this but it always did.
Rumi let out a few quiet sniffles before opening her eyes.
She sniffled again.
She groaned.
The mucus inside her nose was too much to just sniffle away. Gritting her teeth, she glanced over at the sleeve of her blazer.
She didn’t even care.
Reaching out, she grabbed the piece of clothing and brought it to her face. She blew her nose as hard as she could and felt the snot rushing out. With a small sniffle, she pulled back while letting the sleeve fall away.
Rolling her head back, she leaned it up against the wall and stared at the lights above the sink. They weren’t making a single sound but Rumi swore she heard the lights humming and radiating sound from being on. She let out a weak breath.
She very slowly breathed in and out through her nose now that it was cleared out. Her shoulders and chest shook with each breath.
Letting her chin fall, she stared half mindlessly between her legs.
Her eyes burned. They stung so bad from her crying. It was like a dull radiating fire was blazing inside her irises.
Her tears had dried against her cheeks and she felt the streaks crinkle against her skin as she moved her face.
She slowly breathed in and out. Her mind disassociated from reality. She couldn’t remember what was real. She could barely remember where she was. She wasn’t even aware of the time that ticked by.
She felt numb.
Her jaw quivered in a frown.
She slowly blinked.
Light glinted against steel and caught her eyes. Her breath hitched.
Between her feet, Rumi stared at the metal paring knife.
She stared at it.
And stared at it.
And stared at it…
Rumi shifted her right arm before pulling it back.
She hesitated for a moment.
The silence of the empty house hit her ears again.
Swallowing hard, she reached out and wrapped her fingers around the cold metal handle of the paring knife. She retracted her arm and rested the back of her hand against her thigh.
She stared at it.
Her eyes looked the blade up and down. The light reflected against it and she slowly tilted her wrist inward.
Her face got caught in the reflection of the steel.
She stared at it.
She stared at her blurry purple hair and her distorted face.
She knew she shouldn’t…
But her gaze still trailed towards the razor sharp edge of the knife.
Rumi swallowed so hard it hurt going down.
She readjusted the grip on the handle and held it a little firmer before bringing it up and over. She pressed the edge against her left tricep.
She sat still for a moment and slowly breathed in and out.
She knew she shouldn’t…
But she still did.
With a deep breath in, she braced. She clenched her jaw tight and closed her eyes as she slowly and shakily pulled the blade across her skin.
It stung at first.
It wasn’t that bad.
Then the blood slowly started to pool out of the cut. The cold air around it bit at the small wound. The stinging sensation shifted and it started to burn.
Rumi let out a forced breath through her nose.
It wasn’t that bad. She had felt worse pain before.
She could take more.
With a little more confidence, she pressed the blade just underneath the first cut she made. She looked down at her arm this time and watched as her soft skin shifted down against the metal.
The surface tension of the blood from the first cut broke. It trickled down her arm and touched the steel blade below.
Rumi narrowed her eyes while locking her jaw in place.
Once again, she slid the slim and narrow knife across her skin.
It stung again and her breath got caught in her throat.
As she pulled her right hand away, she exhaled. Her shoulders fell slightly as she went to breathe raspy breaths in and out.
She closely watched as the blood from her first cut touched her second cut.
The dark crimson was entrancing.
In some twisted, horrifying way, it calmed her.
The bitter pain let her focus on something that was real.
It grounded her back into reality and out of her panic attack.
So she continued.
A third cut.
A fourth.
Rumi moved the paring knife down to the forearm of her left arm. Her breaths were strained and harsh. Her left arm was trembling as she clenched her jaw and bared the pain.
It hurt. The cuts hurt. They really did.
But she kept going.
She slid the short kitchen blade across the tender skin on the underside of her forearm.
She winced against the pain this time and drove her heels deep into the cabinet in front of her. She squirmed away while gripping the handle of the knife so tight her knuckles turned white.
“Agh…” She harshly breathed out while closing her eyes. She pulled the knife away and let it rest in her lap.
She sat still for a moment and softly panted. She let her body cave in on itself and relax.
Slowly, Rumi flexed the fingers on her left arm. She opened and closed her hand several times while feeling the warm blood from the fresh cuts pool against her skin.
Her eyes fluttered open and she eyed her arm.
She stared at the five fresh cuts.
Her eyes trailed to the healing marks.
They were just more secrets for her to keep from Celine and her friends. More secrets for her to be ashamed of.
Because it was addicting.
It did help.
The pain distracted her from everything else that was overwhelming her,
Everything she couldn’t couldn’t.
But she could control this pain.
She could control each and every single cut she gave herself.
And right now she wanted it to hurt more.
After catching her breath, Rumi brought the paring knife back up towards her tricep. She sliced at her skin in between the red lines she had already made.
One.
Focus on the pain.
Two.
Disassociate.
Three.
Focus on the pain.
She shakily breathed in and gripped her skirt with her left hand. She swallowed, her saliva soothing her dry and scratchy throat.
Again.
One cut.
Her whole arm shook.
Two cut.
Her fingers clawed against her skirt.
Three cut.
Her legs started to shake as she squirmed her hips around.
Rumi's face twisted and scrunched up as she grimaced. She let out a pained breath through her teeth and closed her eyes.
She then let out several sharp breaths as she panted. Her head shifted with each exhale.
Her upper arm was burning. It stung so bad. The air around her arm felt like white hot flames grazing her skin.
She moved the knife to her lap and let her arm rest against her thigh.
Her head felt light. Despite the pain, she felt numb. Her shallow breaths sounded like nails against a chalkboard. Her chest ached and burned as she struggled to breathe correctly.
She waited a moment and just sat there shakily breathing.
Once Rumi caught her breath, she exhaled deeply. She then licked at her dry lips before closing her mouth.
She raised her head and glanced at her upper arm.
Strokes of red caressed her skin as crimson seeped out of thin dark lines.
More.
Rumi tightened her jaw and moved her forearm up into her lap. She stared down at the single cut across it. It was harder to cut the skin underneath her forearm. It was so much softer and tender compared to that of her upper arm.
She had only so much control over herself when it came to hurting herself. She had to take it slower when carving into her forearm.
Taking a deep breath, Rumi placed the bloodied edge of the sharp blade above the previous cut she had given herself.
She slowly breathed in and out while mentally preparing.
Her jaw clenched and she tightened her grip on the handle of the knife.
She pressed the blade firmer against her skin.
Her skin caved inward from the pressure.
She felt her stomach twisting around in knots. She knew she shouldn’t…
But she still did.
Rumi closed her eyes and pulled the blade back. It effortlessly sliced through her skin.
She hissed and bared her teeth.
Sharp and stinging pain radiated through her arm. Her left hand shook more and she gripped her skirt tighter.
She harshly breathed in and out.
Again.
She pressed the paring knife against her skin once more. Her right hand was trembling now.
Biting her lip, she dug her feet into the cabinet and pushed her back against the wall. She forcefully breathed in and out through her nose while closing her eyes.
She drove the razor sharp edge against her arm.
This time, Rumi gasped. Her hand released the knife and it clattered beside her. The sound echoed inside her ears before they started to ring.
Her trembling limbs made it impossible for her to fully control the precision of the cut she gave herself. She miscalculated just how hard she was pressing. This time, the blade dug too deep.
Too deep.
She cried out in a scream mixed with a shriek. She slammed her head back against the wall and kicked her feet against the cabinet doors.
Too much.
Snatching her left forearm with her right hand, Rumi dug her fingertips into her skin. Bright red blood trailed between her fingers and dripped onto the floor.
“Fuck!” She shouted while closing her eyes. She clenched them together more before kicking at the cabinet doors again. “Fuck! Fuck!”
Arching her spine, she strained her neck while tilting her head back. With bared teeth, she let out a trembling scream.
Her whole body shook violently as she cried out. Her face twisted and contorted against the pain ripping through her arm.
She choked against the air in her lungs as she tried to calm herself. Tears swelled up and pooled in the corner of her eyes.
It was so hard to breathe.
Her chest viciously vibrated against her.
She had done this to herself though.
She had no one else to blame but herself.
Maybe she deserved it…
…why was she like this…?