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Pomni opened her eyes sluggishly, blinking the soreness away until they would finally focus enough to see. She felt a pressure in her chest; it was familiar. Like something was off, and she didn’t know what it was, just knew that it was happening and that she’d probably regret not knowing sooner. A looming dread settled onto her shoulders as she looked around, the checkered tile floor of the circus feeling sterile and unsettling under the blare of the fluorescent lights. She groaned, trying to displace some of the unease rising in her throat.
“Guys?” she called out. Her voice felt as sore as her eyes did, and she wondered why. She couldn’t remember what might’ve caused it. Her voice sounded foreign to her. Smaller than she usually did or felt. She began walking, taking the few steps forward around the corner and aiming for the cluster of couches the rest of them usually piled around during times off from their adventures with Caine. Her steps echoed coldly as she went, fragile little taps announcing her presence to… well, no one. She took in the sight of the empty couches and sighed to herself, rubbing her arms as if to warm herself up.
“Hellooo? Anyone around?” she called, trying to speak up this time. Her voice felt like gravel, and she coughed suddenly at the junk lodging in her throat. The others must just be in their rooms or something. Nothing to fret over. She looked at her palm, feeling unsure if she was perceiving things clearly or if she was dissociating again. Her fingers tingled a bit, and she rubbed her hands together. A quick mental body scan told her she was feeling like crap, so she gave up on thinking about it too much and pushed herself to keep walking. She’d find someone soon, everything was okay.
Despite her attempt to push her worries away, she allowed herself to quicken her pace. She’d just go check for someone in their rooms. Yeah! It would be fine. She found herself in front of Gangle’s room first, knocking a polite two times before waiting. When there was no answer, she tried once more and for good measure called their name.
“Gangle, you around?” No answer. She shrugged and then moved on to the next door. That meant Zooble would be next. She repeated her knocks at Zooble’s room, calling out.
“Hey Zooble?” No answer again. Maybe the others had gone on an adventure and Caine didn’t collect everyone to go this time? That would be unusual, but Pomni supposed anything was free game in this place. Whether or not she felt left out would be something she could unpack later. She’d been here too long, she feared. She walked on to the next room. Kinger’s room was usually empty since he kept to his pillow fort, so she didn’t bother with his door.
Ragatha’s room came into view as Pomni approached it with decreasing hope. She raised her hand to knock, and hesitated. She listened for movement on the other side. Would she be bothering…? No. Ragatha said if Pomni needed someone to talk to, she would be there for her. It was okay to do this. Pomni tried exhaling her anxieties away for the moment, just enough to push herself to try knocking again. When she called Ragatha’s name, she pushed the dread swirling in her chest and lungs down to try to add a bit of cheer to her voice,
“H-Hey, Ragatha! Are you there? Do you have a minute?” When Pomni was met with silence again, she felt a numbness trickle through her nerves. She brought her hands together again, rubbing them anxiously.
Okay, something was definitely weird and off. No one was around? There was always someone around. Where could they go or hide in this place, really? Zooble was probably the best at it, but you could at least hear Ragatha and Jax bickering somewhere, or Kinger talking nonsense. The Circus never felt this empty. She felt a chip of agitation, at herself or the others, she wasn’t sure.
“Pomni, get a hold of yourself. No one owes you their time. If they’re doing something when you’re looking to find them, that’s no one’s fault. Quit being so–” she cut herself off, staring hard at her shoes and the rug under them. She took a couple of slow, deep breaths, and let them out. When she opened her eyes again, it was slow and deliberate.
“Just… keep going, Pomni.” She dragged her eyes up to the last door. Jax’s door, right across from her own. She gripped her fists at her sides and bit her lip, weighing the risks. Since their fight after the gun adventure, things had obviously been tense. Getting a true response out of him had been like pulling teeth. Days had passed since then. She wasn’t dealing with it well, but she didn’t want to push him away further than he was already trying to do by being overbearing, no matter how much she wanted to tackle the issue head-on with him. She may have felt some lingering guilt for attacking him, too.
Pomni felt her mind turning sluggish again and, trying to break her body’s freeze response, she jolted herself with a rough shake, slapping her cheeks to wake her senses back up.
“Enough. Stop,” she chided to herself out loud. “Walk forward now,” she ordered to herself. And she did. She walked briskly up to his door, turning to face it fully, and stared at the faceplate on Jax’s door. Which stared back at her with that stupid, silly grin. She felt her heart clench the longer she stared at it. She pinched her arm to shock herself out of another freeze and shock of it immediately by knocking on Jax’s door in the same way. Two firm knocks. Wait. Listen hard for any movement on the other side of the door. Nothing. Her heart started to feel restricted inside her ribcage. She was losing her nerve to do this. She knocked again, louder and a bit quicker this time. Was she really alone here? Even Jax had gone..?
“Jax?” she called, louder than she’d intended or expected. Her nerves felt so worn down. Why? What was she so scared of? She felt a bit wild, and her eyes started to wander around the walls and down the hall as she continued to call for Jax.
“Jax, are you around? I’m sorry to bug you, but I can’t find the others and I…”
A rapid chill poured down her spine, like ice water, as her eyes focused on what she saw at the end of the hall. A large mirror, one of those ones you see that’s too big to hang on a wall and has to sit on the floor leaning against a wall instead. It reflected her tiny image back at her. It was all the way at the end of the hall, but she could still tell the way it blurred in and out of focus, as if it was distorted and under water at the same time. The longer she looked at it, it started to silently shift, like it was coming into focus again. A ringing in her ears started to rise in volume and then, it stopped as the the face of the mirror’s glass splintered. The point of the splinter focused right where her reflection was in the mirror. Pomni suddenly felt very sick to her stomach.***
“%$!#,” she cursed aloud, realization dawning on her. It was then that her feet started to feel wet. Liquid seeping up from the bottom of her shoes. She darted her eyes down and was met with black ichorous liquid pooling at her feet… and trailing to her from underneath Jax’s door.
Pomni felt her heart beat frantically in her chest now. Her pulse thudded hard in her head and ears.
‘This isn’t happening. This isn’t real. Wake up. WAKE UP. THIS IS NOT. REAL.’ She gripped her head, trying to focus on her own thoughts, but the inky fluid at her feet was spreading and pooling further into the hallway. She started pounding on Jax’s door.
“JAX? JAX?!” Distorted warbling sounds started to echo in and out, dull and low. She tried the doorknob helplessly, groaning when she felt its lock stay stuck in place.
“Jax, please, open the door! Let me in! What’s happening?!” She could feel her eyes start to sting. Why was she trying to get in here? She knew this was a dream, right? It was a dream? It had to be? Her throat felt so tight and raw, like it was scalding and closing up at the same time.
“Jax..?! Please…!” Pomni pleaded, resting her forehead against the door. She wanted to see him. She didn’t want this to happen to him. She gasped for air, panicking. And then, she heard a click. It was so soft that she was surprised she heard it over the cacophony that had been in her ears moments ago. In fact, everything suddenly felt in focus. She tried the knob again; it turned smoothly through the lock’s tumbler system, and she sighed. Pomni pushed the door open eagerly, even slipping on the ink under her feet a bit as she did,
“Jax! Thank god! Are you–”
And she was met with heat, cold, and numbness all at once, her blood draining from her face in horror at what she saw. Ichor splashed over the walls and floor in a gruesome way, piles of some kind of… pulsing masses… black as the ichor, clustered in random spots of the room. The bed was split in two, broken and splintered wood, and the lights shattered. Worst of all, though, the large, crackling form standing in front of it looked in shambles. She didn’t have to guess who it was.
“... Jax…?” she whispered. When he heard her, the twitching masses seemed to notice, as kaleidoscopic eyes all opened at once to stare directly at her. Their irises jittered, but otherwise they remained still and silent. They made her feel itchy to see them trained on her. That was, until they suddenly all looked away from her and to the person in the middle of the room. They watched him, as if they were curious what exactly he would do upon being addressed. Mockingly? Cautiously? Judgementally? All those thoughts felt wrapped up in those crazed eyes. A long purple ear twitched towards Pomni’s voice as if triangulating where it had come from, and he inhaled deep and slow as he stood to his full height before turning his upper body to look at her. A bright yellow eye looked back at her, the expression somewhere between the sickly look of the eyes around the room and his own clear panic.
“J… J-Jax… w-what…happened…?” Pomni realized she’d brought her hands up to her stomach, gripping her clothes. She stepped forward, chancing getting closer to him. When she did, the distorted black abstractions slowly eating up his left leg and right arm came into view and they shuddered, as if Jax himself had bristled in response. She felt tears welling up in her eyes, but she didn’t back away.
“P.. Please… Don’t…”
“Don’t… what… Pomni…? ‘Go’? ‘Do this’? What’s it gonna be?” his voice was dry and hard, but also sounded like it being distorted. She inhaled a shaky breath, premature grief sinking into her skin, and tried to keen her ears to focus on just his own voice.
‘No–don’t give up, keep trying to reach him.’ He was still there, there was still time, she just had to fight through his usual self-destructive bullshit of pushing her away. She took a deep breath quickly. She could do this. Just be honest and blunt; that always threw him off his tempo.
“I don’t want you to abstract. Please let me help you.” She forced her voice to be steady. She tried to sound confident, but it just sort of came out demanding. She stepped forward again, and he turned, bracing himself.
“Oh? And what if I don’t care? What if wanting me to stay is selfish? You don’t know what I’ve dealt with here, what if I’ve had ENOUGH?!” Jax growled out. It echoed and seemed to shake the entire rooom. Pomni felt her limbs shuddering all over. Her legs felt weak.
This is a fucking dream!! Wake up, you idiot!! Stop chasing this!! Pomni tried to lucid herself out of her dream again, but it didn’t work. She shook her head, trying to shock herself away.
“This isn’t happening! Wake up!” She could hear dream Jax stomping towards her, the wet slap of his feet making her skin feel like it was trying to crawl off and escape. She felt him closing in around her, and the closer he got, her body felt a gravity towards him, like it was getting sucked in by abstracting ink dripping off his limbs. She felt his breath over her then. It was cold. It was so cold. She hated the feeling and knowing that it was his breath that was so cold.
“Jax…!” she was openly crying now, tears spilling from her eyes. She dug her fingers into the fabric of her hat, desperate to ground herself but finding no purchase. The floor underneath them seemed to tip underneath her and she felt her legs giving out. Jax caught the small of her back with one hand, claws digging into her skin even through his gloves as he took hold of her. His other hand, covered in abstraction, felt cold–like an absence of heat. When it came in contact with her cheek to cup it there, he held her face so tenderly. She felt his claws there, too. A sick part of her wanted this, wanted to drown in this with him so she wouldn’t have to be left behind, alone, and without him. So he wouldn’t have to go down alone either. His mismatched eyes were startling this close. The thumb finger of his glove had been torn off, and the smooth fur of his thumb stroked along her cheek, wiping her falling tears away.
She felt grief swallowing her heart as she gazed into Jax’s eyes, pleading to find him one last time before this took her. Took them. He stared back at her, his remaining yellow eye gazing at her with an affection she hadn’t caught fully before. She wanted to chase that, unrealistic as it was. That’s what she’d want to remember of him if this was the last thing she’d see of him.
“Pomni…this isn’t real…” he whispered, voice crackling. At this proximity, despite the very obvious danger, it felt so intimate. Like a prayer only they shared. His voice was muddled, a mix of growls and a sort of static, like you’d hear on an old, worn speaker in an abandoned mall. The ichor was climbing up around the back of his head now, like moss growing too fast. Eyes blinked and watched them, intrusive and nosy. They all felt like they were on her. The light in his eye started to dim, as if the abstraction was winning. Fear bubbled up in her throat again.
“No.. no, no–NO!” She reached for his face, trying to hold his head up so she could look into his eyes. The black ink relished the opportunity to drag itself onto her limbs with their new bridge to the rest of her body. The bit of purple fur on Jax’s face and his remaining yellow eye were getting more and more obscured.
“NO!” Pomni screamed, and without thinking, she reeled her head back and crashed it into Jax’s.
The sound of shattering glass pierced through her ears, sharp and painful, and then, all at once, it stopped.***
~ ~ ~
Pomni jolted awake in her bed, screaming herself back into her own body. She gasped over and over, desperate to breathe in this space, though she knew she didn’t need to breathe to survive here. Her chest felt like it was on fire. Her limbs tremored all over. She could barely hold herself up on her elbows as she breathed hard into her mattress. Her legs were tangled in her sheets and the restriction made her panic feel worse. She wrestled her way out of them, shoving and kicking them away, and coiled herself up by her pillows. She rested half against her bed’s headboard as she gulped for air. Her room was dark and she could barely see, but what she could see was the mirror at the foot of her bed, and it startled her so badly she screamed again. She scrambled up against the headboard until the resistance became too much and she stumbled off her bed, tripping her way to her door to fight the knob and fling it open. She slammed it closed and held the knob to make sure it wouldn’t open on its own.
The Circus was still simulating night, because the hallway was just as dark as her room. She could barely breathe, her vision blurred on the edges, and she felt new tears threatening to well up. Her knees almost locked as she backed away from her door, further and further, until her back collided with the door across from hers.
She gasped in response, turning to stare at it like it bit her, and recognized the faceplate grinning down at her. The visions of abstraction crept back so quickly into her mind’s eye that she was rapping at Jax’s door before she realized what she’d done. She stopped abruptly when her brain caught up with her, and her hand flew to her mouth to stifle a scream. This was not what she wanted him to see. What would he do if he saw her like this? He’d never speak to her again! And she was already dealing with that! She finally thought to run away, anywhere, but didn’t get the chance to because Jax pulled his door open.
“Who the heck is–” his half-asleep-half-glare fell down to her. “Oh... Whoa.” His expression quickly shifted from irritated to alarmed.
“J-... J-Jax… I-I.. I’m…” Pomni tried to speak, but she just felt herself growing smaller and smaller under his gaze. She wrapped her arms around herself, turning inward.
“I-I’m sorry, I-I know it’s late, I, I didn’t mean… I didn’t, I, I, I–” she started to feel dizzy, which made her panic more.
“No, no, no no no,” she looked down at the floor, trying to get ahold of herself. She couldn’t black out. She couldn’t catch her breath. Her chest hurt, breathing hurt, everything hurt. Why couldn’t she just calm down? Freaking out wasn’t going to help anything. She couldn’t stop herself from openly sobbing. Fuck, he could hear her! What if the others heard her? Shut up, shut up!
“Hey,” Jax’s voice barely registered in her ears. She struggled to look up enough to see him through her tears and focus on him as he kneeled down in front of her. He was still eye-level with her despite being down on one knee in front of her, and his voice was low and gravely from sleep when he spoke, “Pomni. Hey… easy.”
She swallowed thickly and tried to slow her breathing down. It didn’t work. She let out a breath that sounded too wet and hysterical for her own comfort. He pulled her into his arms, holding her steady when her limbs went stiff. She hated the way she hiccuped when she tried to control her breathing again, and she covered her mouth to stifle the sounds. He pulled her tighter against him, urging her to lean into him.
The effort of trying to stand and fight her nervous system was making her tremble horribly.
She finally allowed herself to lean into his arms, resting her forehead on his shoulder and hyperventilating into the limited space between their chests. His fur was warm and soft, and she felt his arms wrap around her, trying to help her still her tremors. His hand against her back was warm, too, and his other hand curved protectively around her head.
“Alright, Pom. Take it slow. Breathe,” Jax whispered against her head. She whimpered despite herself. She must have looked so pathetic if Jax was willing to help her like this.
“I-I’m,” she swallowed again trying to smooth out the lump in her throat that just wouldn’t go away, “-‘m sorry, I’m t-trying.” Why did talking have to be so fucking hard when she got like this?
She felt his hand on her head drag down and then back up, comforting her as she worked out her breathing. His hand at her back felt like the only thing holding her together. That thought made more tears slip down her cheeks. She cried against him, her arms snaking under his to hug him back. She held onto him with what little strength she had, like it was the only thing that could anchor her, and she tried to take focused breaths, inhaling and exhaling,counting as she went. She whimpered with the effort. She felt him continue to stroke down her head, again and again, slowly.
“Jax…” Pomni called, feeling frustratingly helpless and like a fool. Getting frightened like this over a nightmare was so childish. And she was ashamed at how… relieved she felt in his arms like this, over something like this.
“I’ve got ya. It’s alright,” he said, guiding her carefully down to the floor with him. She followed his urging, letting her legs crumple under her own weight and fold beneath her. He hugged her tighter and she buried her face deeper against his chest, breathing him in. She curled up smaller into his arms, as if she was hiding from everything, maybe even him, and still he held on to her. His warmth, his breaths, she could even hear his heartbeat like this, slow and steady–it was all so soothing. So different from her nightmare, where he was cold, jagged, broken, and slipping from her fingers. Here, Jax was sturdy, alive, and unyielding in her arms.
It was with those realizations that she finally felt the tension melting out of her muscles. The weird sort of dizzying afterglow settled through her eagerly, and it soon followed with exhaustion, dehydration, and soreness, leaving a familiar pain of aching that always came after her panic attacks. Clarity crept back into her brain and yet, she clung to Jax. Thinking about how pathetic she looked and felt, remembering her nightmare with new understanding, it all made her feel sorry for herself again, and she allowed more tears to surface, crying them silently this time.
Pomni knew in her heart that it was selfish to hold onto him like this after showing up at his door with no warning in the middle of the night having a mental breakdown. She knew it was taking up his time–he could be sleeping and ignoring the fact that they were all stuck in this digital hellscape, and she begged and begged that he would forgive her. She’d promise to never do it again if it meant he’d keep talking to her after all of this. She would forget about their fight. She could do it if it meant he’d stay around her. Anything. Anything but what happened in her dream.
Pomni was pulled from her thoughts when she heard Jax sighed with frustration and shifted them both. Worry slithered into her mind as she wondered if she had overstayed her welcome, that he was fed up consoling her stupid little concerns and was going to push her on her ass and close the door, until she suddenly felt lifted up. Fast. Jax had Pomni in his arms easily, and he stepped back into his room and spun around, quickly shutting the door with the tip of his foot and pressing it firmly closed with his back to the door to ensure it closed fully. He locked it smoothly and then leaned against the door, pressing one of his ears flush against it like he was listening hard for something or someone. His hold on her was strong, carrying her bridal style and crushing her to his chest. She felt her cheeks flare with heat and she chided herself inwardly for this reaction. Still a bit disoriented, she wondered what was up, looking to his face for insight. She followed his gaze that seemed to be trying to glare burning holes through the door. They both heard another door from the hallway open nearby.
“Ragatha?” Pomni mouthed to him silently when she caught his gaze. He nodded and then glared back at the door, rolling his eyes a moment later. She must’ve been standing close to Jax’s door, because Pomni could hear him faintly growl out,
“Go. Away.” On one hand, Pomni felt a little bad in Ragatha’s defense, but on the other, Pomni figured Jax knew what being Ragatha’s neighbor was like better than she did, so she didn’t hold him too harshly for his response. And truth be told, Pomni didn’t want anyone else to see her right now. She probably looked awful, and seeing the two of them together like this wouldn’t be a good look for either of them, especially Jax. Pomni hadn’t told Ragatha everything about their fight, but she wasn’t stupid–she knew the bad blood between them would color Ragatha’s initial perception of whatever she saw this to be. And she didn’t want Jax to have more heat on him from the others than he already had.
Jax continued to glower at Ragatha through the wall, which must’ve meant she was still standing outside the door. Pomni tried her best to take a calming breath without making too much noise, and she let herself rest her head on Jax’s shoulder, curling back into him. Everything on her hurt. Jax squeezed her to his chest in response as he continued his monitoring, his arms secure around her in a way she hadn’t felt before in her life. She took the chance to scan around his room. She’d never seen the inside before; light blues, stripes, a bed with a canopy not unlike hers, but the wood of the furniture was more white than dark oak. Fairly ordinary. His bed was a bit out of sorts, the sheets tossed back probably when he heard her knocking on his door. ‘Like a lunatic,’ she added to herself.. There was a small lamp with a soft white bulb glowing in it. It gave the room a dreamy sort of filter, easy on the eyes. She could fall asleep in here in no time, she mused.
A few more minutes passed, and they both finally heard Ragatha creak her door back open and close it, the knob clicking rather loudly. It was then that Jax returned his attention to the matter at hand, or rather, in his hands, and he looked down at Pomni. She hadn’t chanced closing her eyes for an extended period of time yet, because past experience proved that that would bring the nightmare rewind into full effect. She looked back up at him and smiled weakly.
“... Hey,” she croaked out shyly. They could both hear the exhaustion in her voice, and she winced after hearing herself. He huffed through what would be his nose, and she’s pretty sure he was smirking despite himself, too.
“Hey, yourself,” he said with a bit of teasing. She laughed a bit pathetically in response.
“Sorry to spring this on you like this… It snuck up on me, too.”
“It better have. You look like %$!#,” he cocked an eyebrow at her, scanning her briefly for emphasis. Her eyes rolled up pleadingly to the ceiling and she groaned, dropping her face into her hands.
“You wanna… tell me what the heck all this is about?” Despite his choice of words, she could tell there was no anger behind them. She was grateful for that. For all the mocking Jax gave the others, she knew when it came to her, he just… didn’t hold any judgement. She wasn’t quite sure why it felt that way, just that it did. She let her hands slide down her face a bit so she could stare at her knees, contemplating if she should tell him. And then, she looked back up to him and nodded. She owed him this.
Jax’s shoulders relaxed a bit, “Alright,” and he walked them over, still carrying her, to his bed. He brought her to the far side of his bed opposite the door, adjusting his pillows so she could sit up against the headboard, and then lowered her carefully down. Settling against his pillow felt like a reprieve, and she let out a pained hiss as her bones sunk back into her muscles under her weight alone again. He brought his blanket up over her lap and she took the opportunity to take his hand into hers and squeeze it firmly.
“Thank you,” Pomni whispered, smiling tiredly up at him. It must have surprised Jax when she did that, because he paused and one of his ears twitched in response. He didn’t say anything back, just squeezed her hand back and darted his eyes away after lingering for a moment too long. She thought she saw a dark flush on his cheeks, but maybe it was a trick of the light. She wouldn’t think too hard on it right now. She watched after him as he stepped around to the other side of his bed and sighed, scrubbing gently at his face to rub the sleep away.
“Okay,” he started, still keeping his voice low as he took his spot on the other half of the bed, “the floor is yours,” he invited with a gesture of his hand. He couldn’t seem to help the slightest touch of sass to his voice, and she smiled a bit at that. The normalcy of their banter was comforting. He stretched his right leg out casually next to hers and tucked his other up so he could rest his arm on his knee. And then he… just looked at her. And waited.
Pomni felt nervous as silence settled over them, and she flexed where she thought her toes would be, trying to stretch out some of the ache. It was so much quieter in his room than her nightmare had cooked up. In fact, it was actually relaxing here, and she wasn’t sure if it was just always like this or if it was just because she was surrounded entirely by, well, Jax. She could tell that that brought her comfort on its own. Everywhere in here was Jax… Just like her room was her everywhere. It even smelled different here–not unpleasant, and not overpowering, just… Jax. She drew in a slow, calculated breath, taking the reality of where she was into herself, forcing her body to ground into it. Now that she’d gotten here, she wasn’t sure exactly how to begin. She chanced looking up at him, and Jax cocked his eyebrow again at her when she met his gaze after her way-too-long moment of deliberation. She scratched the back of her hand and gave a nervous smile in response,
“Sorry, I-I, um…“ she couldn’t keep contact with his eyes after that, and they fell to stare at her hands in her lap. She felt her weak smile get even weaker, pulling back into a frown, and her eyes stung again with fresh tears threatening. Her breath shook back into her.
“No,” she hissed to herself, squeezing her eyes shut, “don’t–” –cry again.
Pomni felt Jax’s fingers gingerly touch her cheek, and when she peeked her eyes open, she saw him reaching across himself to graze the back of his fingers along her skin, gently wiping the tears away. His face looked pensive, focused.
“Pom, why do you care so much if you cry? It’s just us here. Quit forcing yourself not to.” She sniffled, taking in his words. She’d never expect him to say something like that. Why was he? The shame buzzing through her subsided a bit, and she took another deep breath. When Jax pulled his hand away, she stuffed down the disappointment she felt in response. She fiddled with the hem of Jax’s sheets on her lap to distract herself as she tried to speak again.
“I, um. Well, I… had a pretty bad… nightmare, I guess,” Her voice was meek and hoarse as it rasped up from that tired corner of her heart. “I knew it was a nightmare when I was in it, and I tried to lucid my way out of it. That, usually, works, but this… this time, i-it d-didn’t… This time I..” She pressed her lips together, taking a moment to pause and smooth her anxiety out. Her breath left her with another shudder. “I just… couldn’t get myself out of it fast enough.”
“‘Fast enough’ for what?” Jax asked.
“To avoid the ‘nightmare’ part, hahah…” Pomni let out what she could of a miserable laugh. She could still see the images in her mind now, though it was fuzzier. Which was good; that hopefully meant that the memory of it was starting to bleed out of her senses.
“What… was the nightmare part?” Jax asked carefully.
Pomni reached her arms up around herself and squeezed. She frowned as she recalled it. Letting her mind dig back into it.
“Oh, you–don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to,” Jax corrected after the pause that had followed. Pomni shook her head, hearing him, but definitely losing herself in the memory.
“N-No, I… I think saying it out loud will help. It’ll help me feel that what happened wasn’t real.” Jax didn’t say anything to that, but she could feel his gaze. Like he wanted to protest, but knew she was stubborn enough to keep going even if he did try to stop her. Pomni slid a lock of her hair between her fingers as she started again,
“I-I… I was walking through the Circus… but I couldn’t find anyone. Which was fine, I guess. Everyone does their own thing pretty often. But it was just so… empty. I.. I didn’t like it.”
“Mmh,” Jax agreed, listening.
“So I had gone around trying to find everyone, and ended up trying our bedrooms. No one was answering, and then… when I got to your door… I-I…” Pomni trailed off, fear bubbling up in her chest again. She swallowed, trying to push it back down.
“I-I knocked, and… and the mirror… was…” her eyes started to wander, avoidant. Of what, she wasn’t sure. Cuz she wasn’t in the dream anymore. But it still haunted as if she were.
“I looked at the mirror, that’s when it splintered. And after that, there was…” she took a slow breath, “that… black… ichor… like tar. Under your door.”
“Tar…?” Jax asked, perplexed.
“Yeah… it… it was thinner, I guess, maybe more like blood. But.. stickier. I knew it was a dream then, but still, I… I was so worried. I knocked on your door again, and when it finally opened, y…” Pomni felt her lungs start to burn again as her breaths picked up pace. Her eyes went out of focus as tears seeped back into her vision, and her voice pitched higher, weaker,
“You… and your room… you were… covered in those eyes… you were a-a-ab… a-abstrac–...” She started to feel cold, and she bent her knees up to herself, trying to fight the sensation.
‘This isn’t real, Pomni…’ Jax’s voice from her dream surfaced back in from her memory.
“J-Jax…?” Pomni’s voice trembled from her throat. She felt like she couldn’t breathe again, and this time was worse, because she couldn’t see. Like she was too back in the dream now. No, no, talking about it was supposed to help. Why did this make it worse??
“H-Hey, hey,” Jax’s voice floated to her, scarcely reaching. She felt him shuffle closer to her and his arm wrapped securely around her shoulders, pulling her towards him. “Come on, Pom, come back down. Let it go.” His voice was firm next to her, but she could feel herself trembling all over again. Her nerves felt so wild. Jax slid his hand along her jaw and turned her head to force her to look directly at him. “Pomni, look at me.”
She tried. She stuffed everything else away and simplified her goal to just hear him. Just do as he said. Just look at him. She blinked tears out of her eyes frantically to try to clear her vision, and when she finally spotted his eyes, Jax came into focus. He must have noticed, because he spoke again,
“You’re awake. You’re safe. Keep breathing.” There was an edge to his voice, but he spoke with a steady, low tone. Almost under his breath. She let herself cling to his voice, let it guide her back down to her body. This felt… similar, somehow, to her dream. The way he held her. She had to stuff that thought away too, though, lest she fall back into her nightmare. She whimpered once from the effort. It hurt, trying to force herself to come down from panics like this. She felt Jax’s thumb stroke along her cheekbone when he heard her, shushing her gently. “Almost there. Keep breathing,” he seemed to hesitate a moment before speaking again, almost inaudible, “...I’ve got you.”
More tears slipped from her eyes when she heard him say that. Maybe she hadn’t been meant to hear him. She didn’t know why she cried in response. But she knew she just wanted to keep hearing him say it.
“I-I’m so sorry, Jax. I’m sorry for–”
“Enough of that, come on,” Jax said. His voice was bordering on tender. He caressed his thumb over her lips, shushing her. She sighed deeply at that, feeling somehow forlorn. This aching sadness bleeding out of her like easing the soreness of a bruise, was this what bittersweet felt like? She leaned into his touch, unable to fight her need for comfort any longer. She buried herself back into his embrace, and he seemed to know it would happen as his arms surrounded her warm and tight. She hugged him back desperately, crying against him. She sniffled helplessly and her words were muffled against his fur,
“I was so scared when I saw you like that… covered in those eyes… you were falling apart in my hands… slipping away…” Jax didn’t say anything to interrupt. Just held her against him.
“I w-wanted to help, I didn’t know what to do… I couldn’t do any–... I couldn’t wake up…until…” She recalled the way Jax had spoken in her dream, so close to her face she could watch the light of him burn away in his eyes. The way she had slammed her head into his to try to shatter the mirage. She covered her mouth with her hand. Jax squeezed her tighter. She felt him press his cheek to the top of her head.
Pomni scrubbed at one of her eyes to take a break from talking. Pushing all of this out had been so taxing. She let out a pathetic, tired whimper of a sigh that made her body feel brittle. They lay there in silence for a few long moments. Jax’s breaths were even and slow, his heartbeat steady. She concentrated on the sound of it.
After some time, Jax took the opportunity to speak up,
“You said you ‘knew’ it was a nightmare, when you were in it. How did you know?”
“Huh? Oh, uh…” she sniffled. Her throat felt dry and stuffed up at the same time. She had to clear her throat a bit before speaking up again, “Um, for some reason, most nightmares that I have, there’s a mirror, and it always breaks.”
“A mirror?” Jax raised his eyebrows. “That’s super specific.”
“Yeah… I know it’s weird, but… it happens, almost every time,” she felt herself looking far away as she recalled the mirror in her dream. And how the mirror in her bedroom in reality was what triggered her panic attack. “I think… that’s why I couldn’t come down from it on my own, like, in my room…” She huffed, despondent. “The mirror at the end of my bed… ‘Freaked me out so bad when I woke up and saw it.”
“Ah… I get it now,” Jax mumbled against her head, understanding.
“Mmh,” Pomni mused, frustrated with herself still. She was feeling so fried from the roller coaster of anxiety this night had shunted into her. She sighed again, weary, and rolled more onto her side so she could hide against Jax. She nuzzled her forehead against him and clung to him. She felt his chest shake a bit as he breathed a laugh out softly.
“Making yourself comfortable there, huh?” he asked, a bit of teasing in his tone.
“It’s not my fault you’re warm and soft,” she joked back.
“Does that mean you’re staying the night?” There was an subtle suggestion under the surface of that question, and Pomni wasn’t naive enough to miss it. She wondered if he was trying to joke to dismiss the implication but still address the situation. That wasn’t her goal of course–the last thing she’d ever want to do to someone was emotionally take advantage of them like this.
“I can go if you want me to,” she said honestly. She didn’t want to be more of a bother than she already felt she was being either. She made to let go of him but felt his hand pull her arm back, putting it back where it had been around his torso.
“I didn’t say that,” he huffed, feigning insult. He pulled the covers up over both of them, taking the time to tuck them around Pomni’s back. “I don’t care either way if you stay or not… Just don’t hog the blankets.”
Pomni couldn’t help but grin at his teasing. Jax scooted deeper under the blankets, pulled her back against him once he was settled, and then draped his arm over her limply to keep her close. Her head was tucked perfectly under his chin, and because of the nature of their position, she had to adjust so her legs kind of tangled with his in a way, one leg over the other. It was more intimate than anything she’d done here in the Circus, or in a long time, and she felt her cheeks flush for it. She didn’t know how doing this changed their relationship, if it changed anything at all. She still wasn’t even sure if they were on friend terms anymore after their fight a few days ago. But what mattered to her was clear enough… they mattered to each other, despite what was going on. Even if Jax wouldn’t say it out loud to her or anyone else in the Circus. And that would have to be enough for tonight.
Pomni gripped her fingers over Jax’s fur along the underside of his shoulder blade. It was soft, and touching his fur felt nice. When she did it, she felt Jax’s body shudder a bit, though it didn’t seem like it was from discomfort. Her suspicion was confirmed when, a moment later after doing it, Pomni heard a low, deep purr rumble from Jax’s chest against her cheek. She froze, and the purr died down.
“Wait… are you… you purr??” she asked, cautiously. A beat of silence passed, as if Jax was weighing his options on how to respond in the least-incriminating way.
“No one will ever believe you.” His voice was scratchy with sleep. Pomni liked how it sounded like this. She laughed tiredly in disbelief. She went to trace circles over his fur in the same spot, and with another comfortable shudder, his purring returned. Quieter now, but still a deep, low hum that she felt instantly lulled by.
“But if you do tell anyone, I will think of 100 new nicknames that will torture you here for the rest of time,” he half-threatened. It was kind of hard to sound threatening with a purr rumbling out of you, but she did note that when he opened his voice while doing it, it almost sounded like a growl. In a way. She laughed quietly between them and kept tracing his fur, feeling grateful.
“Your secret is safe with me, don’t worry,” she promised. He hummed skeptically in response, but didn’t follow up with anything further. She rubbed her forehead against his chest a bit, letting herself fully sink into the security of his arms and feeling her brain settle back towards dozing off. She let her fingers wander a bit more as she got sleepier, trailing her fingertips up and down Jax’s spine and over his shoulder blades, relishing the thrum of his heartbeat and purrs. She slowly felt her fears and anxieties from her nightmare melting away here with him like this.
“Good night, Jax… sleep well,” she whispered.
She felt Jax’s hand card through her hair once before tangling comfortably and settling along the back of her head. His hand was hot along her skin there–it felt so nice. Pomni’s eyes fluttered under her eyelids at the sensation. He tucked his head down towards her, pressing his lips to the top of her head again, and then, his breathing slowed to a slumbering pace.
Sleep, at last, dripped back into her and finally took her back as well. Safe, sound, and warm.