Work Text:
Robin Swift had considered himself lucky. Not because he was saved from the decaying pits of his hometown, one infected with cholera, but because he had found a family.
Ramy, Victoire, and Letty - though not bound by blood nor law - had become the people he was closest with, even over his biological dead mother or Mrs. Piper who fussed over his meals. (Professor Lovell was out of the question even though he may or may not be his biological father.)
No, the fellow Oxford students were much more than friends and family. They were united - a unit of four. They were soulmates. They would kill for each other.
And yet, Robin had felt a deep concern within his heart when he thought of them. Not one of love and warmth, but one of fear.
He always had pushed down the feeling, reminding himself that he had just felt worried for them. After all, they were often faced with many obstacles given their identities. Not only that, but the constant strife and useless arguments between them had increased when Letty's signature stubbornness had decided to take over.
It seemed that whenever there was something to be fixed, it went through a whole plethora of other issues before they finally had agreed to settle on a consensus.
“She’s doing it on purpose. Being insufferable, I mean,” Ramy had (not once) said, kicking up a rock on the stone floor. It skidded and made a clack, clack, before finally screeching to a stop. As they both walked again, moving toward the rock and closing the distance it traveled, Ramy kicked it again, and again: clack, clack.
“She's just like that, Ramy,” Robin said, his eyes trained on the rock. “You know how it is.”
Apparently, that didn’t appease his friend. Ramy huffed, abandoned the rock, and looked up at the sky - the lines of soft white circling the gradient of orange and gold. Robin looked up as well and admired the sunset.
“Yeah, well, she’s certainly doing a good job at being how she is,” Ramy huffed. “She's unbelievably contumacious.’”
Robin sniffed and glanced at his companion. The golden glow was doing nothing to make Ramy's features look less desirable than they already were.
“Did you see the way she was eyeing me this morning? She had that glint in her eye. I saw it, that glimmer—“
The wind blew some of Ramy's curls over his sculpted cheekbones. Robin had the recurring thought of running his hands through Ramy’s hair just to feel.
“And then the next thing you know, we’re arguing over which biscuit flavor is the best!” Ramy threw up his hands in disbelief. The boy's eyelashes, which Robin had considered thick and lush compared to his own thin and long, fluttered over his pupils.
“She doesn’t actually mean it. Besides, you guys always end up back to normal by the end of the day,” Robin said without much thought, shrugging. “Though, I do find her constant grumbling a pain.”
“That’s just the thing, Robin! It’s always like this! With all the fighting and no good tension. I feel like we’re always on egg shells.”
Robin blinked, watching Ramy’s pressed lips. He considered Ramy's opinion, looking to the side. It was true. The past month, the four of them had silently fractured into two.
Victoire and Letty versus Ramy and Robin. Though, it didn’t look like Victoire had much say in this grouping, as she had always given Ramy and Robin sorry looks as Letty stormed away without a word.
“Are you going to do something about it?” Robin asked, frowning.
Ramy’s expression had blanked out before morphing into a duchenne smile with beautiful dimples kissing his cheeks. “You know me so well, Birdie.”
˚⟡˖ ࣪
Turns out, Ramy's plan of smacking some sense into Letty, literally, worked like magic. Maybe silver-working. Nevertheless, it worked.
The scene itself could only be described as chaotic. There was a lot of yelling (that was a given; It was Letty and Ramy after all), and a few personal jabs here and there, but it had all led to a breaking point to when Letty said something not-so-pretty which led to a furious Ramy slapping the girl.
“Wake up, Letty,” Ramy had said.
And turns out, she “did.”
Ramy and Letty were no longer two cats that hissed at each other because of their mere existence, but instead, it seemed as though they had truly gotten closer together instead.
It should’ve been a relief. It should’ve made everything back to normal. Better even.
But it didn’t. Instead, something hot and sharp curdled in Robin's stomach as he watched Letty linger by Ramy's side. That was supposed to be him nudging Ramy playfully. It should’ve been him listening to Ramy’s complaints on Babel lectures.
Victoire stood beside Robin, and the two of them watched as their other friends stood next to each other, speaking over wooden tables covered in textbooks.
“So…” Victoire started, her surprise palpable from her poker face.
“So.” Robin repeated.
“Are we ever going to mention this? To them, I mean?” Victoire glanced up at Robin, who had his hardened eyes on Letty’s blushing cheeks.
“No,” Robin said, despite his jaw urging to clench harder. “If Ramy wishes to go around spending every waking second with Letty, then so be it.”
Victoire's eyes flickered, and her body tensed. Robin stopped too after he had realized how he sounded. How he sounded jealous.
“Are you upset at Ramy because he's reconciling with Letty?”
“No,” Robin spat out. He was definitely not jealous, what an absurd thing to say!
“You—“
Robin quickly turned to her and stared at her with widened eyes, his cheeks gone pale. “Please, Victoire. You're smart, and I know there's no reason for you to keep prying,” he whispered.
Whatever Victoire was going to say had apparently died on her tongue once she got a look at Robin's expression. She closed her mouth, surprised by the dryness of her tongue. She should’ve known how Robin had felt. Maybe she did know but failed to acknowledge it.
Robin's pale cheeks had gone back to normal once he realized this was Victoire. She knew better than to spout anything to Letty.
“How long has it been going?” The words, “your feelings” had gone unsaid.
Robin swallowed before turning back to look at Ramy. “Since the day I laid my head on the grass of that hill.”
˚⟡˖ ࣪
“Nice day, wasn’t it?”
Robin and Ramy were walking back to their dormitories, the evening chill beginning to set in. Robin clinged onto his flimsy robes as a rush of cold air washed past him.
“Yeah,” Ramy nodded. “It was nice.”
Real nice, Robin had thought sarcastically, his eyes trained on the floor. He was on the look out for his own rock to kick and vent his anger.
“What was that?” Ramy asked, turning his head to glance at Robin.
“What was what?” Robin was still searching for a rock.
“That. That face,” Ramy frowned, trying to decipher Robin's dead-pan expression.
“What face?” Robin peeled his gaze off the bricks and to Ramy’s eyes, which was his first mistake. The second he gazed into those eyes, something inside him melted. It craved and keened. Irises of dark grade syrup, ones that made Robin feel unraveled.
Ramy had stared at Robin looking rather disgruntled before sighing and shaking his head. “Are you upset?”
“Upset? No, why would I be upset?”
“I’m not dim, Birdie, I know every detail of you like the palm of my hand. You’re upset, and you’re too scared to admit it.”
Robin let out a strangle noise, a choke at the back of his throat. He stopped, ignoring his body’s need to hurry inside the dorms and thaw, and instead bit his bottom lip. “I—“
Before Robin could get a word out, Ramy had held up a hand. “Please, Birdie, it’s cold. You’re shivering all over. You can tell me what’s wrong when we’re inside.”
Robin had fully intended to stand ground and get out every word without a stutter; however, how could he object when Ramy looked at him like that?
Ramy held out a hand, and Robin flinched at the sheer ridiculous gesture. Was Ramy expecting Robin to simply take it? To grab his hand and interlace fingers? To rub a thumb over each other's knuckles and press their palms together?
Oh, but how he wished he could. The things Robin would do to take that hand and kiss it and savor it. However, to hold Ramy’s hand freely without hesitation was a privilege Robin had not yet been able to obtain.
When Ramy saw that Robin was conflicted, he sighed and shoved his hand back into his pants pocket. “I’m cold, Birdie.”
With that, Robin admitted defeat and moved, regaining his place by Ramy’s side before walking side by side to the building aglow with lit warm candles and curtained windows.
˚⟡˖ ࣪
The hot glass filled with tea burned against Robin's fingers. He glanced down at the amber sap before dipping his tongue into it to take a small taste. He blanched when all he was met with was hot liquid.
He was sitting on Ramy’s armchair, the one that every room in the dormitory had. But Ramy’s was special. It was well maintained and smelled of nutmeg and cinnamon whenever someone sat on the cushions. Robin had never thought that a chair could be so comforting, but that was just what Ramy did to every aspect of Robin's life. He made it special.
Ramy made his way toward Robin after taking off his cap and set it onto a coat hanger. Given the little options of seats, he sat on the coffee table, his own cup of tea wrapped around long fingers.
For a moment, they reveled in the silence; the calm before the storm.
And then Ramy put down his cup.
“So?”
Robin glanced down at his cup one last time before wishing his only option of busying his mouth goodbye. He placed the teacup back onto the plate before twisting his fingers against each other. He was a student studying words, for goodness sake, yet he failed to cultivate a single sentence he could start off with.
Ramy, however, was patient. He looked at Robin undisturbed and searched.
“This is idiotic,” was all Robin managed to spit out. He regretted the words he uttered, but he felt them spilling out after he broke under the pressure of Ramy's gaze. “I’m not even…I’m not even upset anymore, Ramy, it was foolish—“
“Now, Robin, you can’t simply think I’ll let you off the hook just because you wish to dismiss it,” Ramy pressed, his elbows digging above his knee. Robin swallowed. Of course.
“No, really, it is foolishness. The whole thing. I was being… it was immature of me,” Robin said, wishing Ramy would realize he was embarrassed. Embarrassed was an understatement in Robin's head. He had gotten so wrapped up in his little fantasy where everything was just Robin and Ramy, and had not considered the fact that Ramy was simply smoothing over rough edges with Letty.
Sure, Letty could like Ramy. That was good. But Ramy wasn’t allowed to like Letty. It wasn’t…
What, fair? Robin thought, something heavy plowing through his gut. Ramy can like whomever he so wishes, and I would only be in the wrong for getting in the way.
He wasn’t embarrassed.
He was ashamed.
It was uncomfortably warm and humid, but also chilling. Like a fever, shame had flooded Robin. He wasn’t even allowed to like boys anyway.
Ramy, who was once patient and encouraging, had obviously been drained for the day. He sighed and looked down at Robin's fingers, which were anxiously rubbing against each other, and stood up off the table.
“It’s late, Birdie. We’re both tired, and it’s obvious I won’t get any progress into finding out why you’re upset with me by drinking tea.”
Robin opened his mouth to say something, because it felt all too fast. For Ramy to just give up because it was late, it had unnerved Robin greatly. Was Ramy mad? Was he disappointed or dissatisfied that Robin didn’t tell him anything?
But how could he when the source of his bad mood was because he was jealous of Letty?
Ramy picked up his tea cup, which had gone lukewarm, and extended a hand toward Robin.
The boy looked at the upturned palm and reached for it to interlock hands, but to his morbid realization, Ramy had meant for Robin to hand him his cup. With burning cheeks, Robin quickly retracted his hands and picked up the plate before handing it to Ramy.
Ramy offered Robin a smile, and flashed those blessed dimples before turning away and storing the cups near the sink.
“Good night, Ramy,” Robin said, dipping his head.
“Good night, Robin.” Ramy smiled softly, waving goodbye.
Robin closed the door of Ramy's dorm before walking towards his, a couple rooms down. He was only stopped when he heard the door behind him click open in a hurried manner.
“Robin!”
Robin swiveled around and was surprised to see Ramy in front of him, his eyes glinted with a small fluster.
“Ramy?”
“Your cap,” Ramy fished out Robin's cap and quickly handed it over. “You forgot it in my room.”
“Oh. Thank you,” Robin replied, blinking down at charcoal fabric. He grabbed it and fixed it on his head before smiling slightly. “Thanks,” Robin repeated.
Ramy nodded. “You’re welcome.”
It must’ve been a few minutes before the two of them did anything more than look at each other.
“Well, good night.”
“Sweet dreams, Birdie.”
Robin quickly turned around before he said anything stupid or acted any more awkward than he already did. Sometimes, Ramy just had that effect on you.
˚⟡˖ ࣪
“Robin!”
The boy halted before turning to face the familiar figure of Victoire. She was jogging toward him, her robes ruffling by her sides as she advanced.
“Victoire! Why’re you running?” He froze. He then noticed the lack of another with her. “Where’s Letty? And Ramy?”
“I was hoping you would know,” Victoire frowned, breathing in deeply once she stood in front of him.
“I don’t know,” Robin said truthfully, frowning. “I haven’t seen Ramy since our last class.”
“Huh,” Victoire hummed out. “Do you think they’re together?”
The question had felt like a personal attack. Letty and Ramy? Together? Alone? Without even telling Robin or Victoire? It just sounded so… foreign, it made him itch.
“We can go check the tower,” Victoire suggested, and Robin agreed, making his way toward the building.
They were a few minutes into their walk when Victoire cleared her throat and looked up at Robin. “So…about yesterday.”
“I didn’t get to talk to him,” Robin answered, not needing any more clarification. “I acted like a child.”
Victoire frowned, but it quickly dissipated and she hummed, encouraging him to continue.
“I don’t know what to do, Victoire. He… he’s Ramy, and I’m…”
Robin struggled to find his words yet again. Was he really a Babel student.?
“You’re his Birdie,” Victoire reasoned, smiling up at Robin's worry. “I know we’re all family and we love each other, but Letty can never even come close to what you and Ramy have.”
Robin felt a bulb grow in his throat. He could see the sureness in Victoire's words, her eyes. There was always something shining in her eyes, whether it be honesty or her own absolute faith.
“I don’t even know what Ramy and I have,” Robin confessed quietly. “I love him dearly, and I know he loves me too, but where do I draw the line? When does the love we have for each other turn into a whole completely different love?”
“Why not just ask him?” Victoire asked plainly. Robin short-circulated.
“You’re kidding?”
“No.” Victoire shook her head and turned to Robin.
The boy looked around before leaning down toward Victoire. “You seriously think I can just walk up to Ramy and ask if he holds feelings for me?” Robin asked in a hushed tone. “Are you crazy?”
“I’m not the crazy one,” Victoire murmured. Robin kept going, ignoring the side-eyes his friend was giving him.
“Whether or not Ramy likes Letty or Letty likes him, or, Hell, they like each other, it shouldn’t be any of my business,” Robin huffed, trying to ignore the agitation in his voice.
“But it is part of your business, isn't it? You obviously like him–”
Robin quickly put a finger in front of his lips and shushed the girl, his lips clamped together in desperation. “Please, Victoire! Someone could hear!”
Victoire looked around, unamused. “Alright, alright, I’ll keep quiet.”
Robin sighed and reached a hand to run through his hair. Had anyone heard their conversation and connected the dots together, Robin could kiss his place in Oxford goodbye.
“But you know,” Victoire started, looking toward the visible tower in front of them. “I’m usually not wrong about these things. I just… I have a hunch.”
“A hunch?”
“I have a feeling the solution to your problem is much simpler than you make it out to be.” And then Victoire turns to Robin and sneaks in a sly wink.
Before Robin could retort and ask her what she possibly meant, she paused and stared ahead, her eyebrows raised slightly. Robin turned to look at the spectacle.
There Letty and Ramy were, side by side, laughing and smiling and oh, what a sight. Robin felt a slight pang of guilt when he found himself scrunching up his nose.
Victoire took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, and Robin snapped out of glaring to glance down at their intertwined hands.
“Come on,” she whispered, swinging their hands toward their other friends. “Go.”
Robin nodded, and Victoire loosened her grip and slid her hand back to her side, watching Robin walk toward the two.
“Ramy—“ Robin began after covering the distance. “Ramy!”
Ramy turned around, surprised, and was followed by Letty.
“Oh, hello Robin,” Letty greeted. Her other hand held a small bouquet of flowers. Robin narrowed his eyes on them. Something raged inside, demanding to be let out.
“Birdie! Hey!” Ramy smiled. Before, Ramy's smile was Robin's everything. It was a beautiful smile that had the effect of making it seem like everything would be okay. It was the whole reason why Robin tries so hard to make him smile more.
Despite this, Robin was much more focused on the small distance between his friends.
Letty's attention quickly diverted to the left of Robin, and her eyes lit up. “Victoire!”
“Hello,” the other student said, walking toward them slowly.
“Where were the both of you?” Robin asked, his eyes glued onto the air between Ramy and Letty.
“Oh, us?” Letty laughed nervously. The word “us” made Robin want to shift. “Us” as in Ramy and Letty and no one else.
But Robin didn’t have the privilege of being upset over “them” could he? After all, it wasn’t fair for Letty not to spend time with whomever she chooses, and it certainly was fair if Ramy agreed to be with her.
“Oh, you know,” Letty glanced at Robin and then at Victoire. “We were just in town, looking around the shops. We’ve decided to make up for lost time.”
“Lost time?” Victoire asked. The concept of making up for lost time was such a ridiculous excuse, it made Robin want to scoff. The four of them had been stuck together like glue since the start of first year. There was no lost time, they’d practically spent all their time together!
“Actually, Letty has something to say,” Ramy stated, urging Letty to step forward. The blonde let out an indignant noise before clearing her throat.
“I’ve realized that the differences between Ramy and I have started to break the group apart, and for that, I apologize.”
The silence after that was sharp enough to kill. Robin gaped at her.
Letty didn’t apologize. She sulked and brooded. Letty didn’t admit she was wrong. She waited till the biggest tides were over before pretending to act like everything was fine again.
“Well,” Victoire said after a moment of silence. Well.
Ramy leaned down and whispered something into Letty's ear, and the girl started to shift bashfully.
“Thank you for… apologizing,” was all Robin could manage. Perhaps this was all a dream, and when he wakes up everything will be back to normal - when all Ramy and Letty could do when they looked at each other was hiss and scratch?
Letty, unable to detect Robin's distant eyes, preened and puffed out her chest as if she had accomplished something. Robin guessed in theory, she did accomplish something. She is Letty after all.
“Letty, I would hate to stop this… bonding of yours with our dear Ramy, but… a word?” Victoire asked, sneaking a concerned glance at Robin. “In the dormitories, if you will. It’s late, and we might get in trouble for lingering outside alone for too long.”
The blonde, obviously perplexed, raised an eyebrow before nodding and waving goodbye to both Robin and Ramy. Robin didn’t even register what Victoire had done until he was painfully aware of the silence between the boy in front of him.
“Birdie, you’re upset.”
Robin blinked at Ramy's concerned furrow. Was he? He wasn’t sure now. If he was upset, and who exactly he was upset at.
“I’m fine,” Robin said, rubbing his palm over his closed eyelid. “Tired is all.”
“No, you… is this about what happened yesterday? You still haven’t told me why you were upset the other day.” Ramy stepped forward, the front of their shoes practically touching.
“I’m not upset, Ramy,” Robin whispered. He looked up and swallowed, hating how his throat was dry at the moment.
“You’re an awful liar, Birdie,” Ramy said gently, his eyes flickering only for a second from Robin's dark irises to his lips.
Robin, who had wanted to close the distance, jumped back, his body jerking away awkwardly. “I… I just…” I just can’t be seen so close to you.
“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Ramy frowned. Robin couldn’t help but hope he was disappointed that Robin had stepped away.
“Of course,” Robin nodded.
And yet, he couldn’t ask the damned question. Do you like me? Do you love me the way I love you? Or is that kind of love reserved for someone else? A girl? Letty?
“How was your outing with Letty?”
Ramy's eyes widened at the question, but quickly composed himself. “It was alright. Turns out, when she’s not trying to disagree with everything I say, we have a lot in common.”
“Oh.”
As the two of them started to walk back inside, Ramy had filled Robin in on his eventful date.
“You bought her flowers?” Robin asked, wanting to groan.
“No, she bought herself flowers,” Ramy corrected.
Robin frowned at this. Surely a man with a date would buy his lady flowers with his own money? Was it because Letty was rich? Or because she shouldn’t have been seen with a brown man?
“Do you generally let your date buy herself things?” Robin asked with a strained smile, trying to keep the mood light.
Ramy paused and slowly turned to Robin. “Date?”
Robin stopped as well. “Was I wrong?”
Ramy, his expression unreadable, had stared down at Robin for an uncomfortable amount of time before bursting out into hysterical laughter. This earned a few onlookers to glare at the two of them. Their expression only worsened when they saw who it was causing all the ruckus.
“Oh, ha, Birdie! Oh, man!” Ramy was clutching onto his stomach, and though Robin was still confused, he couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle.
“Oh, my little Birdie,” Ramy had said in between a giggle. He straightened his back and stared at Robin with upturned lips. “What do I do with you?” He whispered.
“Was it something I said?” Robin asked hesitantly. His cheeks no doubt were turning into a bright pink. He could feel the tingly warmth in the tips of his ears.
“She wasn’t my date, first of all. If you mean you think I like Letty like that, you’re completely wrong.”
“I am?”
Ramy laughed again, and he wiped a tear with the back of his finger. “Is that what you thought this whole time? That I loved Letty romantically?”
“Well, it certainly looked that way,” Robin replied.
“No, no, I… I fear I can’t see Letty more than a sister.”
“Why not?” Robin asked. Although Robin didn’t like the retrospect of Ramy gushing over Letty, he couldn’t deny that the girl was attractive.
“I just don’t see any girl that way.”
Robin blinked. Did he hear him right?
Ramy, expecting a more responsive answer, frowned incredulously, glancing around. “Uhm…Birdie?”
“You…” Robin gasped out. Was he breathing right? “You… don’t…”
Ramy raised his eyebrows, waiting for Robin to finish his sentence.
Robin knew what this implied. If Ramy’s interest weren’t in women, It would make sense if his interest aligned more with…
“You…”
“I?”
“Don’t…like… you don’t…”
“Are you having a stroke, Birdie? We can’t have that, you’re a translator!” Ramy laughed, nudging the boy. Robin stumbled.
When Ramy wasn’t greeted by the usual banter, his shoulders sagged and his smile dissolved, the light in his eyes dimming. “You think it’s disgusting.”
“What?” Robin jerked up. “What? No! No, no, I… surprised, I was!”
Ramy was visibly more relaxed, signed with a hint of his relief, but his voice still held a tone of sadness. “Yes, well, it’s not every day you come across a man who doesn’t find women attractive as much as he finds himself staring at men.”
“Ramy!” Robin quickly covered Ramy's mouth with his hands and looked around. “You can get in trouble if anyone hears you!”
Ramy quickly pushed Robin's hands away. “The students here don’t care what a brown man says anyway,” he says gruffly.
“So…so you like—?”
“Yes, Birdie, I like men,” Ramy sighed, running his fingers into his curls. “And you don’t have a problem with that, right?” His eyes staring daggers into Robin.
“No! Of course not!”
“Good.”
Robin was still processing the whole interaction as they stepped inside the dorms and up the stairs into their respective rooms.
“Good night, Birdie.” Ramy nodded, about to turn away to walk to his own room.
“Ramy.”
Ramy looked over his shoulder. “Yes?”
“Would… Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?” Robin said, rubbing his fingers together harshly behind his back.
He knew how he sounded right now. Given the context, it sounded as if he was making a pass at his best friend. He just hoped that Ramy wasn’t disturbed by this now that he had made his preferences apparent. After all, staying in each other's dorms after sunset was a norm to them.
“Will you tell me why you were upset with me earlier if I stay for a little while?” Ramy asked, a sly smirk washing over his initial confusion.
Robin nodded, and then Ramy was following him inside.
˚⟡˖ ࣪
What Robin had expected that evening was a long, good conversation on Ramy’s homosexuality and consolation over the slight bitterness in the air that had left an after taste.
What Robin had not expected was a long, loud fight that was most indefinitely necessary before he was thrown against his bed and kissed senseless.
The following events went like this:
Robin offered Ramy tea, to which he politely declined. Ramy sat on Robin's bed, and then Robin followed.
“So tell me, what were you hiding for the past two days?” Ramy asked, his eyebrow arched up.
“I was only surprised about the changes in Letty's behavior,” Robin said weakly, looking away. He decided to focus on the small crack in the wood floorboards. How did it get there?
“Lettys behavior? Does it really unnerve you so that she’s more quiet?”
“Not quiet, no—”
“Then what of her could possibly make you so upset?”
“Well… It seems as though she’s taken a big liking in you,” Robin shrugged, his hands placed on the bed.
“Are you saying you like Letty? Is that what it is? Because if it is, I guarantee you, I won’t steal her away from–”
“No! No, that’s not it either!” Robin quickly shook his head, waving his hands to shut down the bizarre idea. “I mean to say… It looks like she likes you a lot, and you both have been spending a lot of time together–”
Ramy’s eyes widened, and he slapped his hand on his thigh as if he had just discovered something big. “You’re jealous!”
“What? No—!”
“Yes! I should’ve seen it sooner! You were jealous because I was spending more time with Letty than I was with you!”
“Now, that’s just silly—” Robin let out a huff, his shoulders sagging down. What Ramy said was technically half-true. Robin was jealous Ramy was spending more time with Letty, but not because he ought to be Ramy’s best friend.
“You know you’re a bad liar, why do you keep insisting that it’s not the truth?”
Robin squirmed, hating how small the room was. He was feeling stuffy.
“Oh, Birdie, you know I wouldn’t abandon you just because I fancy someone?” Ramy’s tone had changed into something much more gentle.
“I know. It’s just… I guess I wouldn’t blame you if you did,” Robin shrugged, hating how vulnerable he sounded. “Letty is very pretty, you know–”
“But I don’t like her!” Ramy clenched his jaw, his eyebrows knotted together. Robin wasn’t sure if Ramy knew how elated he had felt when he said those words. “If that isn’t enough for confirmation, then I’ll tell you: I don’t find Letty attractive; I don’t fantasize of taking her hand and twirling her around; I don’t want to hold her body against mine and kiss her silly; I don’t like Letty, I like…! Fuck, Birdie, I’m rambling!”
Robin flinched when Ramy cursed. It was considered uncouth to say such words, and yet to Robin, it had sounded alluring out of Ramy’s lips.
“You get my point,” Ramy sighed. “I don’t want you to misunderstand.”
“Of course,” Robin nodded. “I’m sorry, I got the wrong idea.”
“It’s not a matter to be sorry about. You’re my best friend, okay? And don’t you forget it.”
Robin shifted from his words. He had often thought to himself: Words had a way of making Robin feel the rawest of emotions. Perhaps that was what made him truly love the process of translating. Currently, the words, “best friend” had stuck to him like a leech and was sucking away at his ration. Maybe that was why the next words that he uttered from his lips had come from the deepest parts of his heart.
“Must I really only stay as your best friend?”
Robin felt something pool his stomach. Dread. Then regret. Then full on panic. He quickly covered his mouth in horror and was screaming to himself why? Why? Why can’t you keep your mouth shut? Why couldn’t you just be grateful and honored to stand by Ramy’s side? Why isn’t that enough?
“Birdie,” Ramy had inched closer, his body towards Robin’s. “What do you mean by that?”
“Mistake–” Robin swallowed and choked.
“No, no, I don't think it was,” Ramy narrowed his eyes down Robins, which were doing everything to avoid eye contact. “You… you weren't just jealous I was with Letty. You were jealous of Letty because you like me.”
God, the way Ramy was looking at him. Like Robin was made of paper-thin glass, something that could shatter to dust if tipped over. Robin could see it so clearly in his head. He, backing away, teetering to the edge as the lies and long kept secrets of his true feelings had come back to bite him.
Robin stared down at his palms pressing into each other and rubbing, the pressure hard enough to bruise.
“Oh, Birdie,” Ramy whispered. He let his head hang down and wished he could look up so his tears could soak back in behind his eyelids. Instead, they watered and wet his eyelashes. “You love me, don’t you?” The question had been Robin's breaking point.
“Of course I love you.” Robin looked up, his voice softening at the end when he saw Ramy’s eyes. They stared into him, taking apart every single knot and tangle in Robin's head. The translator knew they didn’t need words to express the charged energy in the air. It floated with sparks and Robin swore he could feel it run across his back and raise his hairs.
“How could I not?” Robin felt like weeping, or maybe just melting in Ramy’s arms. He wished to bury his nose in between Ramy’s neck and breathe, to smell, to feel. It felt like the floodgates had come crashing down after the thunderous waves repeatedly crashed against the walls, demanding to be let out. Demanding to be seen.
“Every word you say makes me realize how much weight there is in words,” Robin said. “How much the words, ‘I love you’ makes me ache. How much I wish to hear them from your lips.”
Robin knew he was vomiting, but he couldn’t get himself to stop. “Lord, Ramy, you don’t even know, do you? How much I love you? What I would do for you?”
His vision couldn’t focus on Ramy anymore. He was afraid if it did, he would completely break. “That day, when we sat down on that hill and had our picnic, I thought to myself, ‘life could not get any better.’ And that was because I had met you. When I think of love, when I think about laying down by my lover, I think of you.
“Damn it, Ramy, I could go on for years without break telling you how much I love you,” Robin cried. His vision blurred, making it hard for him to not wipe his eyes, had he done so, it would’ve made him feel weaker.
“Oh, Birdie,” Ramy whispered, wiping his tears for him. His long, brown fingers pressed upon the pinked milk cheeks, and his thumb carefully wiped under Robin's eye, making the other blink and let the tear drip down and onto Ramy’s thumbs.
Robin could die happy. Not because Ramy hadn’t flat out left the room in disgust, but because Ramy’s hand was on his cheek, and damn it all, was this all Robin had ever wished for. No amount of magical silver working could provide the amount of wonder and pleasure Robin had felt at this moment. No amount of rereading Gulliver’s Travels could reach the level of satisfaction he had felt when all Robin could do was collapse against Ramy’s arms.
“Shh, Birdie, don’t cry,” Ramy whispered against Robin's hair, stroking the translator's back. “I don’t want to make you shed a single tear, Birdie, please, we’ll be okay.”
Please don't hate me, was all Robin could think as he wept on Ramy's shoulders. Please don't leave me, was all Robin could manage before repeating it again.
Before Babel and before Oxford, had you told Robin he would be ugly-crying on his fellow Oxford classmates because of his undying love for him, he would've stared at you square in the eyes before telling you to stop dreaming of the impossible.
You’re kidding, he would laugh. Why on Earth would I do that?
But now…now it’s different. Because of Ramy.
Because of those long, elegant fingers that stroked and skimmed, and those elbows that playfully nudged. Because of those lovely eyes that crinkled with humor and narrowed with incredulity.
And because of those times when they would brush legs and knees while they sat on either ends of the couch. And those times when Robin would wake after dozing off, his head already leaning on Ramy’s shoulder. And those times when no one was looking nor paying attention to them, those times where they sat together a little too close, when they talked to each other a little too sweet, when it felt like they couldn’t breath without one another.
And now… well… Now Robin was ugly crying after pathetically sobbing over how he had pined after his friend for years.
The waterworks subsided and the post breakdown had been followed by small hiccups.
“This…” hiccup “is so embarrassing,” Robin murmured to himself, looking away from Ramy.
“What's so embarrassing?” Ramy asked softly. “Telling me you love me?”
“You weren't supposed to hear that,” Robin said as equally quiet.
Ramy inspected Robin's face carefully, his hands slipping off Robin's cheek and back to his lap. The loss of contact made something deeply press up against Robin's stomach, like a crushing anvil was squeezing his heart down all the way to his gut.
“Birdie, you didn't think I would make fun of you because of your feelings, did you? Or were you scared I wasn't going to reciprocate?”
Robin shrunk away from the questions. He knew it was inevitable, “the talk” but it still made him squirm.
“I know you don't love me the way I love you,” Robin sighed, looking away.
Ramy froze before grabbing Robin under his chin and making Robin face him. “Who said that?”
Robin blinked in confusion. “What?”
“What makes you think I don't love you the same way you love me? Who put such ridiculous notions in your head?” Ramy’s eyes narrowed down onto his, and the gentle yet firm grin under Robin's chin had the boy gears turning against a penny stuck in between the ridges.
Robin stayed quiet, his mind reeling. What was Ramy trying to say? That he could possibly…?
“Ramy, don’t do this to me,” Robin's voice broke, his eyelids closing..
“Birdie, don’t you understand?” Ramy leaned in, and Robin pulled away, had to, stood up off the bed. “I love you–”
“Ramy, you know we can’t do this,” Robin shook his head, looking down. The man still on his bed was beginning to rouse and get up, but Robin motioned a hand out to tell Ramy, stay where you are.
“Why? Why, because of them? Those ‘Oxford Men’ who hate us anyway because of our existence?” Ramy sounded much more angry now. Robin should’ve known that the topic would trigger his friend.
“No, Ramy, not just because of them. It just isn’t right,” Robin said, and as much as it hurt to say, it was what the cold, hard truth was.
“What?” Ramy scoffed. “Are you saying being– being in love is wrong? Are you saying that I’m wrong? What, am I just some kind of defect? Because I don’t wish to love a woman?” Ramy shot up from the mattress, taking short, angry steps toward Robin.
“No, Ramy! Dear God, no!” Robin felt like pulling out his hair. “You may be able to love anyone you desire, but I can’t! Don’t you see? Lovell–” Robin can hear a fracturing of glass in the background. “I don’t have that freedom! I–”
“Then why on Earth would you tell me the feelings you have for me? Why do you insist on continuing to torture me?”
Because I’m breaking, Robin had thought to say. Because I’m breaking, and you won’t ever be able to see it. He clenched his jaw, looking anywhere but Ramy. Because I’m selfish, Ramy, and I don’t want to see you in love with another. You’re supposed to be mine.
Robin had never been as selfish as he was when it came to Ramy.
“This was a mistake.”
Ramy's eyebrows shoot up when he hears this. “Oh, no, no! You are not going to run away–”
“You should leave–”
“Again! You really think shutting me out is going to solve the–”
“It’s late–”
“You’re always kicking me out, Birdie! Sure, I might’ve tolerated it in the past, but do you seriously–”
“I wasn’t thinking–”
“I love you, Robin Swift–!”
Robin’s ear perked up, but he had shook it off before Ramy had realized he was right.
“You’re tired–”
“And you love me–!”
“I’ll see you in the morning–”
“I love you more than those stupid lemon tarts Letty insists on buying–”
“Nonsense–”
“And I love you more than translating three inch books–”
“Silly–”
“I’ve loved you ever since I laid my head on the grass of that hill–!”
Robin had somehow pushed Ramy back to the exit of his dorm without shedding a tear. How lucky was he.
“And who cares what Lovell thinks?”
They were both panting, staring at each other with glossed over eyes. There was something else in Ramy’s eyes. Something victorious, as if the boy had known he won. Won what exactly? Robin wasn’t too sure himself. He wondered if his eyes had revealed as much as the others.
“I care,” Robin whispered. “Good night, Ramy.”
Before Robin could close the door, there was a thunk followed by a slight muffled groan in pain. Ramy had stuck his foot between the opening of the door, preventing Robin from fully closing the door.
“Ramy!” Robin’s eyes zeroed in on the boy’s foot and then up Ramy’s pained smirk. He quickly widened the gap, releasing Ramy’s foot from the tight grip of the door.
“Robin!” Ramy had replied with the same tone. It was quite an accurate mock.
“If you care so much about him, let me help you forget.”
And before Robin could take his next inhale, his next blink, ask his next question, Ramy was whisking him away by a gentle hand on his arm, and all of a sudden, the dormitory door was being locked and Robin was sandwiched between the bed and the irresistible boy he had been fantasizing about since first year.
“You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into,” Robin warned, but not opposing, his eyes darting down to Ramy's lips.
“I think I have a pretty good idea of ‘what I’m getting myself into,’ little Birdie,” Ramy exhaled against Robin's mouth, and Robin was seriously considering leaning in and closing the gap.
Luckily for the boy, he didn’t need to think so hard because of course, Ramy had done exactly that.
“Let me help you forget about them,” and Ramy’s mouth was on Robin, and the little bird could swear he felt something in his head tear open.
“Ramy–”
He was interrupted when Ramy’s mouth closed in on him again, his sentence dissolving like watered down candy floss.
Ramy’s were chapped and felt rough against Robin’s, but the wetness and the heat was all too much for Robin to even care. Instead, he found himself loving it. He couldn’t care less if Ramy’s lips were soft or rough, nor plump or thin. He liked the kissing because it was Ramy who was kissing him, and the idea was already enough for Robin to feel flustered like a silly little school girl.
“Let me have this, Birdie,” Ramy whispered to him. His voice was as smooth as high-grade silk, and Robin couldn't help but shudder as those sweet words rang near his ear.
“R-Ramy,” Robin stuttered, sucking in a breath as he made eye contact with him again. He could feel his hairs on the back of his neck stand when Ramsy eyes glazed down Robin's flushed cheeks and wet lips.
“Fuck, Robin,” he cursed, licking his lips. “You're gorgeous.” Ramy then closed in the distance again and dragged a long stroke of his tongue over Robin's mouth, and embarrassingly, Robin twitched with arousal.
It was like all the built up pining and held back cravings had burst open all at once, and all the two boys could do was smother each other with kisses and licks, desperate to inhale each other and make up for lost time.
“Say you love me, hmm? Birdie, say you love me–”
“Damn it, Ramy, I love you,” Robin huffed softly.
Robin squirmed and breathed through his mouth as Ramy moved down to his neck. The boy on top of him was dragging his tongue over Robin's chin, down to his Adam's apple, and Robin, with great horror, felt another wave of pleasure shoot down his stomach. It didn't help the fact that Ramy was getting handsy now. Robin shivered when a warm hand lifted up his dress shirt, his skin tingling from the cold air.
Ramy took a break from nipping at Robin's neck to admire the pale stomach and perked nipples. He ran a tantalizing hand over Robin's abdomen, to which the other inhaled deeply and braced himself. One of Ramy’s hands was running on the flat surface, the other holding Robin by the hip. The hand that was on the stomach was beginning to creep up, skimming over Robin's chest and grazing his nipple. Robin looked down, and the sight of Ramy’s dark fingers against his pale chest was sending the boy into a frenzy.
Ramy grinned when Robin let out a pleased whimper, and he lowered his body to be eye level with Robin's chest. He blew against Robin's nipple, and damn it all, Robin arched ever so slightly at the stimulation. “Ramy–”
He was interrupted when Ramy started to plan kisses on his chest, as if he were a woman. He kissed and licked, and with morbid realization, Robin looked down with wide, glassy eyes when Ramy started to suck. Ramy's teeth were lightly scraping along his skin, and his tongue was sliding over the top of the bud slowly. The inside of Ramy's mouth was hot and wet, and Robin couldn't help but think indecently of Ramy's mouth. The thoughts went straight up to his groin.
He bit his tongue, trying not to let any humiliating sounds from coming out. Robin had never felt such pleasure like this before, and the feeling was so desperate and cramped, it made him want to itch his skin off.
“Ramy, wait-” he gasped out. The other boy froze before quickly rising up, his eyebrows knotted in concern. Ramy looked down at Robin's debauched expression, tussled hair, and marked skin before his previous excitement was washed over with regret.
“Shit, I’m so sorry, Birdie, I got carried away–” the boy rambled, pushing himself off Robin. He cursed and ran a hand through his hair, muttering to himself. His canine stuck out and nibbled on his bottom lip, and Robin couldn't help but stare. He had noticed before, but Ramy was very enticing when he was mad. “I didn't mean to… to take advantage of you, shit, Birdie.” Ramy groaned.
The boy quickly climbed off the bed before Robin could grab him and pin him back onto the bed.
“I… I get it if you don't want to… to see me for a while. Just… Don't hate me, yeah?” Ramy said, sounding defeated. Something lurched in Robin's stomach.
Ramy didn't surrender and ran away. Ramy had always charged into a problem with that charming confidence of his, and yet, here he was, stepping away from Robin like the plague.
“Ramy, wait!” Robin quickly stood up from the bed and reached for the other's wrist. “What nonsense are you talking about?” Robin chuckled when Ramy looked at him. The other boy's eyes were so full of humiliation and guilt, it took everything in Robin not to simply kiss the boy for an answer.
“Are you not mad at me?” Ramy asked, tilting his head experimentally.
“Mad? Are you mad? Of course I'm not mad, why would I be mad?”
“I was taking advantage of you,” Ramy said, but it had sounded more like a question.
“Taking advantage of me? Ramy, had I truly not wanted it, trust me, you would've known right away,” Robin scowled.
Ramy blinked, and miraculously, a beautiful tide of red flushed Ramy's cheeks. Robin thought to himself that it complimented him quite nicely.
“God, I can't function when I'm around you, Birdie,” Ramy whispered. “I thought you didn't want this. Touching you, I mean.”
“Of course I want…!” Robin couldn't help but feel like an absolute prude. “Yes, I do want you to touch me, thank you very much. I want to… I want to touch you too.”
“Really?” The evident relief and hope in Ramy's voice had healed Robin. He wasn't sure what was broken, but it had made Robin feel fixed.
“Had I not just professed my love for you moments ago?” Robin cracked a smile, stepping toward him.
“Yes, but–” Ramy zeroed in on Robin's smile, and his mouth was left slightly open as he watched in awe the boy wrap his arms around his neck and pull him in for a chaste kiss.
“Birdie,” Ramy whispered.
“Yes?” Robin smiled up at him, gaining great satisfaction from the fact that Ramy looked enamored and absolutely drunk with joy.
Ramy nuzzled into the boy's neck and whispered, his tiny exhales tickling Robin's skin. “I love you.”
Robin froze momentarily, unused to the way Ramy had said it. Not just the brotherly love they had openly expressed, but something more personal. Something that could mean so much more. Robin closed his eyes in pure bliss. “I love you too.”
Ramy had promised Robin to help him forget, because who cares what Lovell thinks?
Robin couldn’t agree more.