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Cynical_Prince
“I really feel like you could have asked us a few days before the event, you know? Getting dragged here day of is not the best plan. I mean four panels ago we were literally in the living room at the dojo.” Ranma grumbled as the restaurant owner led him (and Akane) to the massive starting area. It was packed with temporary food stalls and girls wearing the delivery uniforms for various restaurants. Behind them, the rest of their haphazard family looked around curiously at the offerings on display.
Nabiki was the first to wave them off. “I’m gonna go check out some of the stalls. Remember, if you win, it’s eleven hundred cups of instant ramen. That’s at least two-hundred thousand yen worth of resales.” And then she was off.
“But I wanna eat it,” Ranma grumbled under his breath.
As they approached the starting line, they lost the rest of the Tendos, and Genma was abducted by a group of children who seemed to think that a panda bear was one of the attractions at the race.
The eel shop pulled Akane aside ten meters from the start. “You have to win this, okay? My family will literally be homeless. I bet the restaurant on this year’s race. If you lose I’ll have nothing!”
Akane narrowed her eyes at the man. “That was stupid.”
Ranma laughed. “Kinda sounds like something Nabiki would do to us.”
“Nihao, Airen!” Shan Pu said as she bounded over to his side toting her delivery box from the Nekohanten. He should have figured she would be here. If anyone would love something like this, it was her. Restaurant business mixed with martial arts was basically Shan Pu summarized.
“Hey, Shan Pu,” Ranma said, tensing up when she giggled and leaned against him. What if Akane saw? He didn’t want to start the race by getting flattened by a car door or something. Fortunately, she seemed preoccupied trying to talk down the restaurant owner she was representing. Was the man crying?
Across the temporarily closed down starting area, an announcer stepped onto a raised platform and to a podium. He surveyed the fifty some participants. “Ladies, welcome to this fifth annual Miss Martial Arts Delivery race! The stakes have never been higher, the prize has never been bigger, the course has never been longer or more full of potentially dangerous hazards— like traffic, because we did not get the appropriate permits for this at all. And a parade that’s running perpendicular to our race and therefore is blocking a major intersection. Plus a whole lot more!”
He raised a hand and pointed down the open stretch of road. “Now, you all know that this year’s prize is a year’s supply of instant Ramen, because none of the participating restaurants would commit to a year’s supply of free meals. But! But the person you’re delivering to this year allegedly has a magical artifact that will grant you any one wish!”
The crowd broke into excited chatters at the reveal of a magical artifact.
One wish? Was it real? Would it work on anything? His life had certainly been full of enough magic to make him believe it. And if so, Ranma could cure himself of his stupid curse. He grinned and tested the weight of his own delivery item - a bowl of ramen. Oh yeah, this was winnable.
“Racers to the starting line. On your marks! Get set! Go!”
red_upasika
Nabiki savored the cool breeze whipping through her hair as the golf cart sped her to the parade intersection. She patted the race registration and official gray takeout box in her lap, smiling at the clear blue Summer sky. She’d rushed away from the others and none were the wiser.
The dojo was bleeding money and no one was bringing in any new income. Someone had to make sacrifices around here! No one became an Ice Queen for the hell of it, but some might walk through hell for their family.
However, this wasn’t about her flesh and blood. She thanked her friend for the ride with a quiet word and a sealed envelope, then scanned the area. She quickly spied a familiar silhouette.
Sitting with her back against a tree, Konatsu was as serene and unreadable as ever. After months of secret Wednesday support group meetings followed by cozy, mellow karaoke nights, she had no qualms going above and beyond for someone’s wish to be granted.
“Here’s what you need for the race,” she said, meeting her friend’s gorgeous eyes. “And here’s a guarantee. It’s a little something extra.” She had decided to leave nothing to chance.
Super Soba Noodle Speed Variant: now with eighty percent fewer side effects! Most of the kinks had been worked out. No more hallucinations, sudden naps, or unquenchable cravings. The directions were right there, taped on top.
What she intended to be a curt nod and handoff became a warm hug that surprised a smile out of her. She squeezed once before letting go.
Neither of us is a stranger to doing what it takes to survive, she thought, But it’s always easier with someone in your corner.
Nabiki looked up again at the towering clouds and bright blue sky. She shook the feeling off and freed the bike she’d stashed under some bushes.
As she pedaled, her mind wandered. A single wish.
How many people could you help? How far could it take you?
She pedaled harder, a fierce smirk plastered to her face.
Not my style.
As she broke from the race route, she spied a familiar yellow bandana in the crowd and skidded to a halt. She yanked out her radio and snapped, “Ryoga’s at location five. Mark it.”
She didn’t wait for a response, just kicked off again heading for the floats. Ryoga was a wild card. They were all wild cards. But that was just fine by her. Chaos creates opportunity.
At the float staging area, she tugged on a bright red “Organizing Committee” cap she’d made that morning and started handing out revised parade route maps. Printed on the right paper, with the right letterhead, real enough to cause a few wrong turns.
*On your marks! Get set! Go!*
Sat_Leao
“And with that folks, our annual Martial Arts Delivery Race has just begun!” bellowed the announcer. “The most skilled girls, from all across Tokyo, have joined us in this beautiful summer morning to partake in the most cutthroat event of the takeout world! And in the lead, to no one's surprise, is the young and infamous Xian Pu, representing the Nekohanten. Rumours say her biking skills can reach any location, no matter how far or unlikely. Just beware not to be crushed under her wheels! Oh? And here we have an official note from the Nekohanten staff. It reads: our establishment does not accept accountability for property damage, in the case of poorly placed walls and/or doors…?”
Xian Pu giggled at the theatrics, but kept pushing forward. She knew exactly who her real competition was, and how to best deal with them. This race was far longer than the previous, with multiple checkpoints manned by the organization committee where the competitors would be presented with instructions for the next stretch. This ensured that the race properly balanced everyone’s knowledge of the surrounding neighborhoods, and that it offered an entertaining challenge, at least when it came to the terrain. This also happened to make an interesting scenario for the lead runner to set up traps and ambushes.
Meanwhile, Ranma and Akane did exactly what they were most gifted at. Argue.
They were locked in one of those arguments that everyone had forgotten the starting point of, but that kept being fed by the current competition. And it was for that very reason that they missed the very first checkpoint.
“UN. BE. LIEVABLE! Look what you did, now we’re both lost!” fumed Akane.
“What?! Me?! Do I look like a pig to you? If it wasn’t for your chasing me around, I’d already be way ahead of yall!”
All the while, Nabiki observed from afar with an unimpressed expression. She’d seen this exact issue coming from a mile away, the question was whether or not she should play her cards this early in the race. (Damn it. At this pace, these two are gonna cost me a contingency for each checkpoint.)
Pressing the button on her radio once more, Nabiki contacted her fellow partner in crime.
“Konatsu dear, I hate to give you extra work, but could you redirect those lovebirds for me?”
Without missing a heartbeat the other line answered. “But Nabiki, I’m almost catching up to Xian Pu. Is this really wise?”
“Do you really think you could beat her, by your lovely self, in a fight?”
“Well…”
“Don’t worry. I’ll handle Xian Pu for a while on my side. Meanwhile, get those two back on track. Just use the Super Speed Soba to catch up. If necessary. This one has reduced risks, but there’s no such thing as a profit with no risk.”
“Acknowledged. Thank you, Nabiki.”
Crabbea413
“Go right, idiot! I’m getting so tired of dealing with you muscleheads all the time!” Akane yells in frustration at the second most directionless martial artist she knows.
Ranma turns around, running backwards in front of Akane. “If you think you know the way to get us un-lost better, then why don’t you take the lead, tomboy?”
Akane tries to catch up to the cocky redhead, readying a nasty punch. “Grrrrrr… You wanna lose this race so badly? FINE! I’ll go my own way you jer-”
POOMF
The two clumsily skid to a stop as something slams into their path- A blinking road construction sign, with an arrow pointing to the side. The left side. Ranma smirks.
“Hah! I was right anyway! See ya’ later, ya’ uncute gorilla!” She bolts off before Akane can completely blow her top. Reaching the next checkpoint and winning this race can’t wait for stupid blue-headed tomboys.
Said blue-headed tomboy follows the redhead, fully intending on dishing out hell.
Ranma continues on, jumping across rooftops and effortlessly keeping the ramen from spilling a single drop. Every few seconds another signpost slams into the ground, pointing the way back on track. Barely visible red flashes across her vision suggested this was probably Konatsu’s doing, which could mean….
Well, she wasn’t actually sure what it could mean. The kunoichi girl’s loyalties were confusing sometimes. Was she helping out Ranma? Misleading her on orders from Ukyou? Some secret third thing?
Whatever the motivations, Ranma isn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth unless it stinks to high heaven. So what if she gets even lost-er? She was already completely turned around, no harm done!
Nabiki clicks off her radio, getting back to watching the race for any more deviations. Keeping up with the chaos surrounding Ranma and Akane was certainly difficult, but nothing she and her little ninja helper can’t handle. Ranma or Akane would win, simple as that. She lifts a small water gun out of her purse. Now to go deal with the biggest problem.
Shampoo rides steadily ahead of every other competitor, laying out caltrops and other traps given to her by great-grandmother. Already she’d removed at least 30 other girls from the race, tripping them up or using the box-blower technique. She jumps her bike onto a fence and then over a canal to take a shortcut and get an even greater headstart.
She chuckles. These girls are no competition whatsoever, it’s too easy!
….way too easy. Where is her airen and the violent girl? She wanted to bet on a date with her handsome Ranma, and thrash the other ‘fiancee’ into the dirt!
“Are they even still in race?” She ponders to no one in particular.
Her bike screeches to a halt and Shampoo looks around her. No redhead or bluehead in sight. They must’ve gotten hung up on something. It’d be no fun to just win…
Right as she’s about to keep pedaling at a slower pace, a wall bursts open from beside her, forcing Shampoo to leap from her bike to avoid the storm of shrapnel. She readies herself for combat.
Is her airen finally all caught up? Oh, she’ll get a date with him for sure!
The cloud of dust clears, leaving Shampoo with a beautiful view of her precious ai-! Oh.
“WHERE THE HELL IS THE DAMN CHECKPOINT!?!?” The unwelcome newcomer yells. The pig-boy… with a take-out box? Wasn’t this a competition for girls only? How did he get in? Shampoo shakes her head, it doesn’t matter. One more competitor won’t stop her from winning this!
Trans Yuri
Shampoo did a double take. The pig boy. In a skirt. Breasts? Did he get his hands on some instant Nyanichuan? Doesn’t matter. Shampoo took off running. She heard steps behind her. The pig boy was following.
“PIG BOY STOP FOLLOWING SHAMPOO!” Shampoo shouted.
“Pig girl!” The pig girl corrected. “And I can’t. I don’t know any of the directions.”
“How is Pig girl keeping up with Shampoo on her bike!?” Shampoo shouted.
“I have good legs!” Pig girl shouted back. Shampoo started peddling harder only for Pig girl to keep up.
Shampoo needs to lose her! Shampoo thought. So she made a detour for that exact purpose. How much of a detour? A right turn followed by two left ones and a right one. “There. That should lose Pig girl.” Suddenly Shampoo realized that Pig girl was still following her “HOW YOU NOT LOOSE SHAMPOO!?” Shampoo screamed.
“Jusenkyo blend patches!” Pig girl shouted back, showing off a patch on her arm. “I have my pig form’s sense of smell right now!”
“How Pig girl get those!?”
“I found them at the Jusenkyo gift shop!” Pig girl shouted proudly. Shampoo was done.
“Excuse me!” A voice shouted. Shampoo ducked as a girl with long brown hair on Roller skates flew overhead.
“Chef girl? But Okonomiyaki Ucchan’s is being represented by Ninja girl!?”
“I’m sorry do I know you?” The girl asked turning back.
“Eh?” Not Chef girl?”
“I’m Daikoku Kaori. I lost in the Nerima race before. Cost me my fiance too, but I’m not losing this time!” The fake Chef girl zoomed ahead. Shampoo wasn’t going to let it be that easy. She started petalling even harder. She held out a finger and went for The fake Chef girl’s box. She pulled it out of the way.
“You know that technique too?” The Fake Chef girl asked before attempting to use the same technique on Shampoo’s box. She slowed down just for a moment to throw off the aim.
“Shampoo will not lose too-” Suddenly sprinklers went off, causing Shampoo to shrink into her cat form and her bike to crash, spilling her delivery. She was out. Yoiko was protected by her Jusenkyo blend patch.
“Okay,” Nabiki said from above. Didn’t know the patch would protect Yoiko, but her scheming still took Shampoo out of the race. Ranma or Akane would be the one to win.
“Shut it Tomboy, just admit I was right!” the redhead yelled.
“You just got lucky, pervert,” the blunette yelled back. Streets converged.
“Gah. Kaori?” Ranma asked.
“Hello Ranma,” Kaori responded. “I know about your little curse now.”
“Pff, that’s not a big deal,” Ranma responded. “Everyone knows now. Wait, Yoiko? You’re still in?”
“I followed Shampoo until this Ukyo look alike showed up, and now I’m following her.”
“Yeah that checks out.”
“The next checkpoint is up ahead!” Akane shouted from her skateboard. They quickly passed the checkpoint.
“Not much farther,” Ranma said. “I’m almost-”
“Attention competitors!” The announcer said over the loudspeaker. “As a last minute decision we’ve decided to change the destination in order to make the race longer and more interesting.” For the rest of her life, Ranma would deny that tears started running down her face.
SkyHighChar
As Ranma cleared her eyes of the totally non-existent tears as she stopped to listen to the announcer as he began to give instructions to the remaining competitors about the change of the race.
Yoiko, Kaori, Akane and unnamed side character #42 all stopped alongside her, although Akane accidentally ran into Kaori with her skateboard causing the two of them to collapse to the ground in a pile of limbs.
“Hey watch it” yelled Kaori at the same time Akane yelled “Get out of my way!”
The two girls get into a little scuffle as they try to get their bearings and accidentally muffle the announcer as he explains the new course.
“Shhhhhhh” Ranma said as she bonked the two of them over the head. “I’m trying to listen here”
The announcer ignored the commotion between the competitors as he droned on “and after the swim through the karate piranha pool you will begin to make your way over to Nekohanten in the center of town where you will find your next checkpoint! Just watch out for any enemies, I heard there was a duck assaulting someone over there just a few hours ago!”
“Karate what now?” Yoiko said even as Ranma just smiled and pushed the girl into the still struggling pile of Kaori and Akane and began running in a random direction.
“Oy you bastard, what was that for” Yoiko yelled, which just caused Ranma to turn around and stick out her tongue. As she did so she laughed and yelled “Saotome style running away!”
“Oh no you don’t!” came the voices of three girls as Yoiko, Kaori and Akane struggled to extricate themselves from the pile as Random side character #42 just looked around bewildered before running after the cackling redhead.
Akane just groaned under the weight of the two other girls, and in a surge of anger and frustration at her fiance used her considerable strength to throw the other girls off of her.
They went flying into the air alongside all three of the girls' packages. Akane quickly leaped up higher and grabbed one of the packages before dashing off after Ranma.
Yoiko smashed through a wall interrupting a small child's birthday party and straight into the cake. She awkwardly apologized to the crying children before running out and grabbing one of the falling packages, following behind the others. Due to her Jusenkyo patches she could still smell the birthday cake as she sprinted through the streets of Nerima.
Kaori for her part had a much more graceful landing, flipping around a few times before coming to rest on her tippy toes. One of the packages neatly landed in her hand as she began sprinting after the others.
What none of the three of them realized was that they had accidentally grabbed each other's packages. Akane had grabbed Yoiko’s, Yoiko had grabbed Kaori’s, and Kaori grabbed Akane’s.
As the three girls chased after Ranma and each other, none of them realized the catastrophic results of this small mistake in the upcoming minutes.
ekureina
“And remember folks, each contestant must bring her own take out containers with her to the finish line!” the announcer exclaimed.
Akane, Yoiko, and Kaori, none the wiser of the direct connection to their predicament, shook their heads, and moved on. Random side character #42 looked over at the tangled mess of girls and could have sworn that Yoiko had Kaori’s package, Akane now had Yoiko’s package, and Kaori had Akane’s package, but she shook her head. Just a trick of the light, and honestly, if those three get disqualified, more opportunities to win! She ran past the confused trio, to at least give the impression that she was trying to beat them.
Oof, Ranma thought to herself as she ran through an alleyway filled with flying axes on the way to the karate piranha pool. They really wanna test out our skills; they didn't even mention this part!
She jumped and twirled over the impending obstacles, trying to keep her package level while also showing off a bit.
In no time at all, she had made it to the karate piranha pool. She took a quick glance over her shoulder. No one. Thankfully for her, the pool was framed with tall, sheer walls. It was time for another Saotome-style technique: wall running.
One of the few techniques Ranma knew that wasn't tricking someone to get away, Saotome style wall running was designed for this very purpose. Ranma ran along the wall, high enough to avoid the snapping jaws of the piranhas, and down the race course towards the Nekohanten.
It was almost a straight shot over there, clearly the organizers expected the pool to be much more of an obstacle than it truly was for someone as well-skilled as her. Ranma sped down the tree-lined boulevard, cleared of any trace of vehicles, before slamming through the entry door of the establishment.
Somehow, despite being a location of one of the stops on the race, the lunch rush at the Nekohanten was in full swing. Mu Su, tired and hard-working little duckling that he was, scrambled between the hungry tables of ramen-devourers, just barely not keeping up with their insatiable drive to shovel more food down into themselves.
Ke Lon, old, conniving hag that she was, sat atop her walking stick, tucked behind the main counter of the restaurant. She chuckled as Ranma approached.
“Oho ho! Great-grandson-in-law, I see you made it here first!” She smiled back at the teenager.
Ranma furrowed her brows. “I’m done with the race, so I’ll get what I want, right?”
Ke Lon let out a big, goofy laugh. “Finished? I think not. You’ll have to deliver these special utensils to the address marked out on this sheet of paper. Good luck, great-grandson in law!”
Infernia_Inferno
Ranma gave Ku Lon a dead eyed stare. “Since when? You couldn’t have mentioned this earlier, you old ghoul??”
Ku Lon’s face grew into an incredibly smug grin in response, prompting Ranma to scowl at her.
Looking down at the paper she was handed, it appeared by all accounts to be completely blank.
“Uh. Old Ghoul?”
“Yes, great-grandson-in-law?”
“Yer paper’s blank.”
“So it seems to the untrained eye…”
“Wha-?”
The competitors were beginning to catch up, and Ranma had no clue what the hell she was talking about, and by extension whatever the hell she was supposed to be doing. The paper, by all accounts, was blank.
“And what about this special utensil I'm supposta’ be takin’ to this place on the blank page?”
Ku Lon’s eyes lit up. “Oh yes, I almost forgot. Here you are.”
Ranma was handed a set of glass utensils, that even under the lighting of the Cat Cafe were almost glowing.
“These utensils are constructed by the most delicate of glasses in ancient times, highly sought after for their radiant sheen that remains vibrant to this day. But be careful, so much as a light drop will cause them to shatter into a million tiny shards, never to be seen again.”
Ranma gulped. “...So if they break, I lose?”
Ku Lon gave Ranma a smile so wide that it could have only been described as a predator sizing up its prey.
“Better get to finding out the secret of that paper then, great-grandson-in-law!”
“Damn ghoul…!”
By now, Akane, Yoiko, and Kaori had caught up, and had entered the cat cafe with Ranma. They were, in fact, the only people left in the race at that point (the piranha lake had claimed many victims).
Ku Lon eyed the three girls as they navigated their way through the cat cafe to greet her.
“Ah yes, the stragglers.” Ku Lon mused.
“STRAGGLERS??” The look in Yoiko’s eyes alone could have killed.
“Wasn’t that the end of the race? Has Ranma won?” Akane asked.
Ku Lon shook her head. “For the next leg of this race, you must deliver these delicate glass utensils to the location on this paper.”
“What the damn hag doesn’t tell ya is the page is blank.” Ranma interjected.
“Blank?” Yoiko looked puzzled.
“Gimme that.” Kaori snatched the paper away from Ku Lon, and looked it up and down. Taking only a moment to seemingly read the page, Kaori dived over the customers of the cat cafe, and out the door.
Ku Lon howled with laughter. “She knows what she’s doing, that one. Best be after her, Grandson in law.”
Ranma looked at the paper again, it remaining blank as ever.
“...How the hell did she figure it out that quickly????” Ranma muttered, now in effectively second place.
Akane nudged Ranma, paper in hand.
“Hm? What is it ‘Kane?”
“I found something.”
ClericalError87
Akane reached over the counter and grabbed a pencil from the register and rubbed it on the paper. Miraculously, letters appeared on the page.
"How did you—" Ranma began.
"When you write stuff down on a stack of paper it leaves imprints on the pages below it," Akane explained. "Like when a restaurant takes your address over the phone and gives it to the delivery girl."
"Stupid delivery martial art," Yoiko grumbled. The three girls peered at the page, and…
"That's all the way over by the school!" Ranma protested, but dashed out the door anyway.
"Wait!" Akane cried and tried to follow, but Ranma reentered the Cat Cafe in reverse, thrown through the door by a pulsing length of noodle.
"She got the utensils!" Ranma choked, and was met with a chuckle from Ku Lon. "Stuff it, ghoul!"
Akane and Yoiko leapt past the glutinous obstacle without helping Ranma and pursued Kaori. Though it was more like Yoiko kept close to Akane, trusting her to lead.
"…Oh, really guys!?" Ranma kvetched some more and squirmed out of the lo mein prison. As he sprinted once more out the door he almost ran face-first into a soaking wet panda in a dress, wig, badly cracking makeup, and a few pirahna wriggling around on his neck. "Sorry Pops: you snooze, you lose!"
Ignoring frustrated growls, Ranma took to the roofs to cover ground more quickly: he was well past the point of caring about taking the official path, especially if there were more stupid obstacles and traps to avoid.
Meanwhile, Akane and Yoiko were dodging the debris Kaori hurled at them. They were both skilled enough martial artists (or just tough enough to soak the occasional brick in Yoiko's case) that it didn't slow them down much and therefore they were keeping pace with the Daikoku school master.
"C'mon, do either of you two even need a year's worth of free ramen?" Yoiko pleaded, her stomach rumbling enough that the other girls heard it. "I could even use it like a direction service! Like I could ask the delivery girl to take me somewhere after she delivers me my ramen!"
Akane and Kaori rolled their eyes and ignored Yoiko's heartfelt pleas. "There's more at stake than just ramen!" Kaori bellowed.
"Yeah, pride! This is for the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts!" Akane shot back, while also literally shooting back by cold-clocking a bicyclist off their bike and lobbing the vehicle at their prey.
"And this is for the Daikok—whoa!" Kaori barely managed to avoid the projectile by throwing herself against the ground, but then Ranma came crashing to the ground once again wrapped up, this time in a fishing net.
"Ghoul set up traps on the roofs," he wheezed. He also landed so close to Kaori that she yelped and threw the utensils in the air on instinct, and everybody dropped what they were doing to go for them.
Akane ended up with a spoon, Kaori a fork, Yoiko a butter knife, and Ranma a pair of chopsticks, despite not having gotten untangled from the net. They all glared at each other, eyed the shimmering, fragile, glass utensils, then glanced toward their destination (or North in Yoiko's case, until she realized her mistake and looked with the rest of them).
Genma bounded around the corner in an attempt to catch up and the sound was like a gunshot: all four teens were off: grasping for each others' utensils, trying to protect their own, all while sprinting at top speed.
I JUST WANNA GO HOME, Genma signed to himself.
analoglesbian
The four girls left the piranha-bitten, crossdressing panda behind as they continued the fight over utensils. As they ran, it was clear Akane wasn’t actually going to snag Kaori’s fork, but she saw a bystander holding a skateboard which she gleefully snatched and kicked off with. The extra speed could mean better luck at their destination. And they would easily lose Yoiko in the shuffle. She wasn’t prepared for Ranma to leap onto the board with her and triple her speed with a few good kicks of her own.
“Good thinking 'Kane, let's ditch these losers.”
“I was trying to ditch you too!” she shouted at her infuriating fiancé, but she wouldn't deny how much Ranma was helping when the other girls were lost in moments. Unfortunately, that extra speed turned into a hindrance shortly before they reached the address, when they rounded a sharp corner and crashed into Shampoo and Ukyo duelling in the middle of the street. The skateboard flew off in the clatter, along with a giant spatula and sword, disarming everyone. “Damnit Ranma!”
Ranma was quickest to take advantage of the mess and snatched Akane’s glass spoon. “Anything goes,” she said with a giggle, leaping onto an adjacent roof.
Picking themselves up, Ukyo gave Akane a nod, and Shampoo spat “Truce.” Ranma’s three suitors, momentarily united in their goal to subdue the wayward martial artist, dashed down the street in sync, passing by the school gate and eventually catching up with Ranma when he was knocked off yet another roof by one of Cologne’s traps. They’d managed to arrive at the address Akane had sussed from the notepad, but instead of knocking, the four girls stared one another down.
“No hard feelings, right?” Ranma said, tugging her braid. Kicking himself free from the chains that had waylaid him, he dropped into a crouch, ready for whatever his fellow competitors intended next. She didn’t want to waste time given the race, but it seemed necessary to get whatever was about to happen out of the way right now rather than saving the drama for after the race. It’s not like any of the other competitors were here to disrupt... whatever this was. Studying the three girls most tangled up in his life, he noticed that Ukyo and Shampoo didn’t even have takeout boxes anymore, had they dropped out of the race to fight each other? She was so curious, but the tension was palpable and he knew that opening his damn mouth again would be the spark that set off whatever was brewing.
Ukyo’s fingers were hovering over her throwing spatula, and Shampoo was holding herself like she was about to draw her maces. Akane was just staring at Ranma with a visibly growing aura of anger, she probably shouldn’t have stolen the spoon from her. But in her defence, this was a competition, which nobody was going to win by playing nice with the other martial artists vying for the prize and bragging rights. With all three of "his" girls involved, there was no way Ranma was getting out of this without getting in some kinda trouble. So, he figured she might as well do something worth getting blamed for. So the second she caught sight of Shampoo’s chuí, she was in her guard and tapped the pressure point Doc Tofu had once used to disable his legs. As the most immediately dangerous fighter, getting her out of the fight fast was the best way to be sure nobody got seriously maimed.
amazeyphaedra
Ranma turned his back on Shampoo, figuring the pressure point disabling her legs would be more than enough to keep her out of the fight. One traitorous fiancée down, two to go-
He hardly managed to catch a glimpse of Ukyo’s spatulas flying towards him or the mallet careening towards his head before one of Shampoo’s maces clobbered him over the head and he went down like a sack of bricks. The Saotome lineage had built up a truly legendary resistance to head injuries over the generations so it was only a matter of seconds before Ranma was back on his feet. Unfortunately, a matter of seconds was all it took for the three of them to steal both his takeout boxes and all the utensils he’d stolen rightfully earned. Cursing his father for engaging him to so many violent girls, Ranma leapt back up to the rooftops and took off towards the delivery location.
He had to dodge at least three more of the old ghoul’s traps before he caught sight of another competitor who was… going west for some reason- yeah that was Yoiko alright. In all likelihood, now that she’d lost the rest of the pack, Yoiko would be completely out of the running. Ranma briefly considered trying to go toe to toe with her to steal her delivery goods, but dealing with the triple threat of the Hibiki resilience, the Hibiki sense of direction, and general Hibiki idiocy seemed like a massive time sink he couldn’t afford while he was already behind.
Pressing on, Ranma was delighted to see that his cruel, conniving fiancées’ truce had been short lived, the three of them at each other’s throats in a fight that looked identical to cartoon fights where random limbs and weapons pop out of a cloud of dust. Maybe, just maybe, he’d get lucky and they forgot about- AHA! Scattered around the tussle, Ranma was able to locate a delivery order and a full set of utensils. Jackpot! Victory was his! Now all he had to do was collect it all without alerting three incredibly strong and gifted martial artists with keenly honed danger senses…
Cursing under his breath, Ranma lamented the fact that this arc didn’t take place later in the manga so he could just use the umi-sen ken and be done with it. Since it didn’t, it took about five minutes to dash between the cover of conveniently placed obstacles and snatch up the goods. Incredible as his stealth skills were, he was shocked none of them noticed him, and even more shocked that they managed to keep up the fighting for so long. From the little snippets Ranma could make out of the verbal aspect of the cat fight dog pile, Ukyo and Shampoo were both loudly declaring Ranma to be theirs and Akane was alternating between yelling that they were wrong and that she “didn’t even like that pervert anyways.”
Sneaking into an alleyway and returning to his familiar rooftop highway, Ranma cackled to himself in glee realizing he had everything he needed to win and no more pesky fiancées to waylay hi-
A wave of dread froze him in place - which was rather inconvenient since he was midair - and he landed face first on the roofing tiles of his next stepping stone.
Where was Kaori?
VroomVroomOnABroom
Ranma’s question was answered by the loud whup-whup-whup of helicopter blades above him, the wind nearly knocking Ranma off the roof. He spotted Kaori, gagged and tied up, hanging from a rope below.
“Oi!” Ranma shouted. “What do you think you’re doin’? Let her go!”
The helicopter’s door slid open, allowing a young blond man to leap out onto the roof.
“Bonjour!”
Ranma gagged. “Picolet! What do you think you’re doing here?”
“Why, my dearest mademoiselle Ranma, I heard you were to partake in this race, and I thought, I simply must come to support my betrothed!” Picolet pointed down at the struggling girl hanging from the skids of the chopper. “This girl was preparing to ambush you, and I thought, non, this will not do!”
“Hey, we’re not engaged anymore!” Ranma shouted. “I beat you fair and square!”
Picolet frowned. “Oui, but to participate in such an activity as this…You clearly have an aptitude for food based martial arts, and I thought that perhaps you had a change of heart, and-”
Thwing!
A throwing spatula whizzed past Picolet’s ear, causing him to flinch in surprise. The pair turned to spot Ukyo bounding across the rooftops toward them, with Akane and Shampoo hot on her heels.
“Give me back my delivery, Ranma!”
“That was mine!” Akane shouted, ducking under a flying kick from Shampoo, trying to knock her off the roof.
Picolet raised an eyebrow. “Friends of yours, mademoiselle?
“They’re my fiancees,” replied Ranma, deadpan.
Picolet blinked, looking between the three women still bearing down upon them. With a strangled gasp, his jaw unhinged, dropping far below his torso. Ukyo and Shampoo tripped over each other at the horrific sight, while Akane barely managed to hold on to her lunch.
“Ahh! Mademoiselle Ranma, you are a patron of the fairer sex, I see! Truly, I never stood a chance!”
“Yeah, that’s the reason you never had a chance.” Ranma muttered under his breath.
“Well!” Picolet spun on his heel, now glaring at Ranma and the other girls. “Since I no longer have a chance to win back my dear Ranma, I suppose I will simply have to win this race myself! So I’ll be needing that delivery meal, my dear!”
“Not a chance, Picolet!” Ranma glared at his new opponent. “What do you want a year’s worth of delivery food for anyway? You got all the fine French cuisine you could stick in your oversized mouth!”
“Oui, Ranma. French food is lovely, but I must confess a guilty pleasure for fast food as well, and a year’s supply as the prize is more than I could ask for!”
“Does this guy even actually speak French?” Shampoo muttered to Akane. “The only gratuitous French I’ve heard him say is oui and mademoiselle.”
Akane shrugged. “I just think the author for this section doesn’t know any other French herself. Same reason we’re all speaking perfect English.”
“You don’t even have a delivery girl outfit!” Ranma shouted, ignoring the fourth wall shattering around him.
“Oh, I may not. However…!”
He clapped his hands twice, and the helicopter overhead opened its door once again. Out stepped an elderly woman in glasses, hair styled in a prim and elegant perm, and a delivery girl’s miniskirt that was even shorter than Shampoo’s.
“...You recall Madame St. Paul, I presume?”
The elder woman curtsied, an evil grin on her face. “You may as well hand over that delivery box, Mademoiselle. You stand no chance of delivering it safely.”
Ranma glanced around as rivals approached him from every side, intent on sabotaging his chance at victory.
“...Try me.”
HailythePossiblyFeral
Ranma started using the Saotome schools patented (Nabiki convinced them to do so) running the hell away. Ranma didn’t have time to be dealing all his fiances along with some french lady, who happens to have an impressive control over her jaw, but now's not the time to learn because-
“Aloha Saotome-bastard-chan!” Principal Kuno screamed as he and his daughters Kodachi and- wait daughters? “We have come a bit late, that is okay, yes?
“What the hell…? When was there 4 kunos!?” Ranma shouted as he ran away from the helicopter rapidly catching up to him.
“This wonderful child was recently welcomed into our family through adoption! Welcome, Tsubasa Kuno!” He yelled as Kodachi and Tsubasa dropped from their family Helicopter, going past the Chardin Helicopter and cutting Kaori free from her restraints…. However, she was still a few hundred feet off the ground. Ranma just started running to catch her before Ukyo chimed in with,
“Don’t worry about the sugar! I’ll get her for ya!”
“Yer a lifesaver Ucchan!” Ranma shouted at her before refocusing on the Kunos in front of him.
“A-er- well, ya aint gotta mention it ranchan, y’know I'd do anything for ya right? Even-” As Ukyo kept rambling on, Kaori kept getting closer and closer to the ground before landing on a well placed Ryoga.
“Owww…” Groaned Ryoga.
“Thank you so much, kind stranger!” Kaori thanked, getting up and dusting her outfit off before trying to run off… and realizing she doesn't know where she is. “Uhm… excuse me? Do you live around here…?”
“Well I wouldn’t exactly say I live here… but I do spend a lot of time around I guess…”
“Then, could you please help me get back onto the street with the library on it?” Kaori asked.
“Well… could you describe what the library looks like to me?”
“Well uh… I’m actually not sure, I do know the street is… in that direction” Kaori points generally south.
“I got it! Take my hand and I’ll lead the way then!” And Kaori did, with Ryoga going straight north. Meanwhile, back where the actual race was taking place, Akane, Shanpu, Ukyo, Ranma, Kodachi, Tsubasa, and Madame St Paul were all in a battle over the last lunch left. Ukyo threw some spatulas at Madame St Paul as she tried to go for a bite, pinning her to the ground. Akane and Shanpu were fighting over who would get to give Ranma their lifetimes supplies of food, Kodachi was trying to poison Akane, and Ranma was attempting to escape this whole fiasco before getting blocked off by Tsubasa.
theeternalnewb
As Ryouga led Kaori back to the race, now being dominated by Madame St Paul and Tsubasa performing an unlikely duo tech, one thought went through his mind: "Has downtown Tokyo always had such a picturesque waterfall and hydroelectric dam in it?"
"Wait, stop, stop!" Kaori said, seeing a statue with English writing on the placard. "Where the hell are we now?"
"We're, uh, we're just one street over from the library," Ryouga confidently declared, looking around at the carefully maintained section of Niagara Falls Park that they'd found themselves in. "See, here's a statue about probably one of the library's founders. Nicola Tesla," he read from the placard.
"I don't think this is anywhere near the library, why did you take me here?"
"No, no, this is definitely near the library," Ryouga desperately said, waving his hands, before taking Kaori's hand again and running off with her, stopping in front of a large building. "See?"
"I don't read a lot of English," Kaori started, "but I'm pretty sure that says Aquarium. Are you trying to take me on a date?"
Ryouga's sputtered denials were as unintelligible as his direction sense.
Let's leave them there for now and get back to...
Katsunishiki with a steel chair! Taking down the Kuno helicopter one swing at a time! The poor rotor couldn’t take this abuse, and it crashed majestically into the street, exploding in a shower of coconuts, for it was soon revealed that it was built entirely on coconut based technology! The explosion unleashed a powerful wave of coconut milk, threatening to drastically adjust the flavor profile of any takeout not removed from the blast in time! Akane blocked with her stalwart bread shield, baked herself that morning, and defended the delicious lunch she had planned to deliver to the finish line, but unfortunately Madame St Clair took the opportunity to sneak up and devour the bento she had poured her heart and soul into in one bite, simultaneously kicking Akane out of the race and sending herself to the hospital. Tsubasa revealed herself to have secretly been the bread shield and begged Ukyo for a date, perhaps at a nice aquarium, but just got tossed in a nearby alleyway for her trouble.
Meanwhile Soun and Genma frantically tried to convince Kasumi to bring Akane a new lunch, to no avail, because she had to finish hanging the laundry first, but don't worry, she would whip something up and go meet Akane and all her little friends at their playdate later.
aWholeLottie
With no time to lose and not knowing whether Kasumi would be able to get her a new lunch to deliver on time, Akane scrambled around the carnage left by the crashed Kuno Coco-copter. Pools of coconut milk filled with bent metal, soggy noodles, and the crushed dreams of her competitors were spread out as far as the eye could see and offered slim pickings for even as experimental a culinary artist as she was.
Luckily, Tsubasa casting off zer disguise as Akane's trusty breadshield left her with a sturdy bread bowl to base a dish around. Not stopping in her strides forward, she lowered the bowl and let it skim over one of the coconut milk pools. Picking out a few bolts and screws as she went, she was left with a bread bowl of what could arguably be called coconut soup. It had a faint scent of jet fuel to it, but that was probably just ethanol, right? That was basically the same as alcohol, and Akane always added alcohol to her soups when she wanted them to be fancy. Assured of herself, Akane sped onward without wasting time to taste her new dish. With Madame St. John paralyzed with food poisoning and Ukyo briefly distracted by the hot local he/she/it/xe/they/ze/bun/bot that was Akane's erstwhile breadshield, Akane and her coconut-oil soup took the lead.
Ukyo, having tossed aside Tsubasa the second bot asked for a date, tore out of the alleyway and took off sprinting after the new frontrunner. Her okonomiyaki was still intact, with not a drop of coconut milk on it, and she still had a few spatulas of varying sizes to work with. As she crossed the coconut milk'd wreckage, though, she almost tripped as a sharp stabbing pain ran through her leg. Stumbling forward, the pain moved up to her spine, and then up to her scalp. As she caught herself from falling, a milk-drenched pink tail at the corner of her vision told her all she needed to know about her new passenger.
Ukyo tucked her food package tight in the crook of her arm and used both hands and one of her larger spatulas as leverage to rip the cat from her hair and send her flying high into the sky like an artillery shot calibrated for Akane's location. Shampoo let out a loud caterwaul as she and the thick clumps of Ukyo's hair she'd been gripping into were turned into a makeshift mortar shell. Still, she had just enough presence of mind to orient herself mid-air so she could land with a purrfect spatula-enhanced pounce into Akane's back.
As Shampoo reached terminal velocity on her descent towards the dojo girl, a manhole cover far below burst open and sent out a massive geyser of water, shooting a fuzzy black ball high into the air to meet Shampoo above the Nerima skyline. Shampoo's claws dug into black hair, and she and P-Chan were sent yowling and snorting towards the ground far below.
Kaori, tired and soaked wet from her surprisingly successful attempt to, as Ryoga had put it, "swim up that waterfall back to Nerima", was too tired to even dodge as the mass of cursed animals smashed down onto her head.
rubyscarbuncle
Kaori’s cranium, weighed down by the two animals, immediately caused her forehead to hit the pavement. Her index and ring finger pointed out as she cried out, “YEOWCH! This is so not Kaori-time!”
The pink little fuzzball, still covered in coconut milk from the kuno-copter crash, scampered off of the head of her landing cushion with all the grace she could muster. Which, in her dazed and confused state, was not much. P-Chan was shivering, and looked up to the sky, his eyes bugging out of his head, as the tiny piggy darted off like a rocket.
Kaori lifted up her head, tired from her trek and stunned. She muttered out a few words. “Was… that– was that a fucking pig–?” Before the manhole cover came back down with a vengeance, slamming on the top of her head. The stars circled around the top of her crown of hair showed she was down and out. At least… for now.
Akane held a large makeshift bread bowl full of coconut milk with a hint of gasoline aloft as she sped onwards. Ukyo was gaining on her if she held up, she couldn’t afford distractions.
“BUIIIIII!!” P-Chan cried out.
Akane’s head swiveled, gasping as she heard the telltale cry of her beloved pig. The bread bowl sloshed valiantly, but in her shock some of its contents spilled out.
Ukyo, who was attempting to bee-line towards Akane, caught a faceful of nutty ethanol to the face, and some even slid into her mouth.
“PHTEW, pTEU.” Ukyo spat, “Shit! I can’t see!” She said, stumbling forwards, stepping directly onto the squishy back of P-Chan, causing her to stumble and slide onto her face, her index and ring finger pointing outwards as she did. In the slip, P-Chan had slipped out from under her foot like a banana peel, rocketing right into Akane’s soup. Akane looked down. “I’ll get you out P-Chan! But just– MARINATE THIS SOUP! MARINATE IT YOU BEAUTIFUL PIG!” She gave him a little kiss on his tiny piggy forehead, one that made his face red hot, and he gave her a hoofed salute as he bathed in the ‘soup’ (if one could still call it that.) Before Akane kept on running, re-invigorated by her beloved pet.
“Ukyo!” Tsubasa called out. The local he/xe/bun/bot/it/she/they/ze ran over to the chef, eyes swirly, puffy, and red. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you wifey!”
Ukyo furrowed her brow, still holding onto her case of fully intact okonomiyaki. Despite having fallen she had enough pride as a cook to not let her dish get ruined. She couldn’t see, and she thought there was something in that concoction, because she was starting to feel woozy. Her look slowly brightened as a light bulb formed above her head. “CARRY ME!” She may not have been interested in actually taking this, admittedly hot, bizarre little goblin on a date, but she could see a valuable asset in her moment of need.
Tsubasa nodded, saluting, “Anything for a baddie.” Before bot scooped her up and took off running.
MercyGrace
Genma watched as the Boy's Fiancee took off with an unholy combination of milk, bread, Gasoline and the pig-type of The Boy's rival. That girl really needed Martial Arts Culinary arts lessons. Where did she even find gasoline in a kitchen, anyways? The Gender Gremlin took off with The Boy's Backup fiancé in…it's arms. Well that's one way to make use of someone. Genma picked up his skirt and dashed past the Boy's Backup Backup fiancée who was still picking herself up. If the thing with Souun didn't work out, The girl's family was rich enough to let Genma live in the lap of luxury. Not that Genma would ever think of betraying his sworn brother like that. Of course not. He'd just like to keep his options open. Ranma's options. Not his own. That's what he meant. Of course he wanted the Best for the Boy. And if he could ride the Boy's coat tails to live a cozy life? We'll, that was his right as The Boy's father wasn't it? Thinking about this Genma dashed past the Gender Gremlin and had almost caught up with the Boy's actual Fiancee when he was simultaneously kicked on the head and back.
“Saotome! I won't let you take away Akane's Victory!” Soun said, dressed in a maid's dress.
“Tendo?!” Genma was in shock. Why would his sworn brother get in his way? Weren't they supposed to be a team? But more importantly “What are ya doing, Tendo? If you're going to crossdress, at least shave your legs!”
“Like you're one to talk!” Souun retaliated. Your makeup is shoddy, Saotome!”
Genma held his delivery container aloft and entered a fighting Stance, “Them's fighting words, Tendo. Prepare yourself!”
“Bring it on, Saotome!” Souun Mirrored Genma's stances with his Delivery container also held aloft.
Temari, who had been the second person to kick Genma, took advantage of Soun and Genma's distraction to run past them! Old men were so silly! Why were they fighting when both of their dresses were pretty?
She had caught up to her rival/ older playmate when she heard something strange.
“Delinquents! You should know better than to fight in the middle of a race!”
“What?!” Said her Rival's father
“Huh?!” Said the weird Panda Man
“Happo five yen Satsu!”
“Argh!”
“Gueh!”
“Thanks for taking them out, Miss Hinako!” A voice said from behind her.
The heir of Good Old Days Martial Arts wanted to look back but she had a race to win and kept pace with Akane. She was incredibly curious when she heard a cry of, “Happo No Yen Return!” Followed by explosions. She turned her head to Akane instead and….was…was that a live pig in a bread bowl?
RainyDayOver4
Well, it wouldn't be a pig for long. Akane kept pedaling, looking back for only a second just to check if-
“DAD?” Akane screeched, her bike falling limp without her pedaling. “Why are you dressed like-” she began, only for the gi- b- Gender Gremlin behind her to crash straight into her bike, still on the ground.
Tsubasa’s soup fell straight onto the piglet below, who very quickly turned into a man.
Ryoga picked up Akane's bread bowl and pot of suspicious stew. “Don't worry Akane! I'll win this for you!” He shouted, picking up a maid dress that was still in Tsubasa’s delivery box.
Ryoga valiantly ran in the complete opposite direction of the finish line, securing Akane's placement as last in both food quality and speed.
Tsubasa picked himself up from the wreckage, bruises covering his body.
He just needed his incredible entree that he had-
Tsubasa looked down at his roast, covered in bicycle parts and mud.
“OH EGADS!” he yelled, “MY ROAST IS RUINED!” but just when he thought all hope was lost, he spotted it. The golden arches welcoming him in.
“But what if,” he began, “I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking! Ho ho ho, deli-”
Hinako stared at Tsubasa, who was clearly continuing to talk to himself even as he entered the McDonald's.
“A little help?” Akane growled at her from the ground.
Hinako ignored Akane's pleas, as she continued to stare at the McDonald's.
Something about the golden arches…
The smell of frozen french fries…
The taste of overly processed meat…
Hinako took steps forward, ignoring the fact that those steps lead her on top of Akane, as she walked into the light. The heaven of processed food. The-
“Can someone please help me!?” Akane yelled, trying not to blush from the much older woman stepping on her.
Still stuck in the labyrinth of bicycle parts above her, she heard the revving of an engine.
Yuka, atop her motorcycle, wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses, reached Akane’s spot.
“Need help cutie?” she asked.
“I'm not gay, Yuka,” Akane said, taking her hand, “I think Ryoga stole my stew.”
“You mean the guy in the maid dress running to the starting line?”
“Yeah, him.”
“Last I saw of him, he was walking into Guangzhou, China.”
“Yuka where the fuck were you?”
“Um… Guangzhou, China? Duh. Can't you take some of those crumbs on your clothes? Wouldn't that technically count as food?”
“Oh. Yeah, I guess”
Akane brushed off her pants, collecting some bread crumbs, but mostly just dirt into her hand.
Said concoction was probably still better than the stew she had made.
“Let's get this show on the road!” Akane yelled, as Yuka drove both of them off into the horizon.
“Did somebody say something?” Tsubasa asked, leaving the McDonald's with the Donald Trump special (30 Big Macs, 20 Daily Doubles, 10 McChickens, 300 Nuggets, 15 Large Fries, and a pack of apple slices).
WitchOfPumpkins
The show was still on! Thanks to Yuka appearing like a shining knight on a metallic horse, Akane felt like she still could win! Even if nothing remained of her stew, that now traversed China with a certain lost boy. Still at least they managed to leave Tsubasa behind, that was a small victory of the moment. “Thanks Yuka! You are a real life saver!” Yelled Akane to which her friend answered with a cocky voice. “Hah, no sweat girl! Though… you could pay for the gasoline.”
Before Akane could say anything else a red and yellow scooter raced up to them, and on that vintage delivery moped was no one else than Tsubasa, now dressed into a McDonald's uniform, the shirt, slacks and even the hat. Even in such a work uniform he still somehow looked great. “Tehehee~! You won’t get rid of me so easily!” Yelled Kurenai closing in on the two girls from Furinkan, throwing burgers their way to distract them and gain advantage.
The barrage of fast food started giving Yuka troubles with keeping them on the road and moving forward. Flying Big Macs, Daily Doubles started hitting them and the motorcycles like some rocks, meanwhile fries were thrown like some small darts. Now it was up to Akane to repel the nuisance. “Don’t worry Yuka, I got this!” Yelled the youngest Tendo as she stood up on her seat and started catching and throwing the burgers back towards Tsubasa. A food war was just another martial art in a way, right? Martial Arts: Food war on MOTORCYCLES!
Akane kept on defensive, counter-attacking with catched buns and fries when she could, throwing them back with much more strength than the master of disguise could muster. “Heey! Not fair!” Compliant Tsubasa to which ‘kane just yelled back with anger. “You started it!”.
One of the McDoubles ended up on Tsubasa's face forcing him to slow down and dramatically stop by colliding with a cabbage stool, destroying the stool and many precious vegetables. An old man dramatically kneeled before the destruction with tears in his eyes, but Akane and Yuka were already far away.
“Hell yeah!” Cheered Akane, to which her driver Yuka chipped in happily. “Nice! Did you save one of the burgers? You could use it as your food instead of those crumbs!” Sadly full of adrenaline Tendo didn't think about that beforehand, sending every last piece of the fast food air-ground missiles back to the false McDonalds employees. “Arghhhh! Why didn't I think of that!?” A bit mad at herself, Akane sat down back on her seat and let her friend focus on the driving. Hopefully that will be the end of that race rival!
BonnieBugsy
As the two motorcycles weaved through the traffic caused by the race, Shampoo was just a few blocks behind, nimbly hopping from car roof to car roof, her box of food strapped to her back. She grimaced as she saw the back of Akane’s head getting smaller in the distance- she was fast, but it would be tough to keep pace with that.
With the path cleared by the destruction of the old man’s cabbage cart, with someone in a McDonald’s uniform lying dazed in the wreckage, a familiar cream-colored vintage car was pulling out of the traffic, onto the sidewalk, clearly intent on driving through the broken cart.
Shampoo grinned as the license plate came into view: CHARDIN.
She began to change course, making her way toward the moving vehicle.
Another competitor in the race- someone Shampoo didn’t recognize- was breathlessly straggling along the sidewalk in the same direction, a box of hot food tucked under her arm. At the sight of the vehicle, her eyes brightened, and she began running toward the car. “Excuse me! Wait a minute! I need a lift!”
Shampoo suddenly realized what was about to happen- she’d heard the horror stories about Martial Arts Fine Dining. That scrapped that plan.
Shampoo quickly altered her course, making for the remains of the broken cabbage cart ahead of the car.
As the hitchhiker neared, the car’s window slid downward, just a crack. There was a blur of movement, almost too fast to see if you weren’t looking for it.
Then, the car sped up along the sidewalk, CRUNCHing through the already shattered remains of the cabbage cart. The wheels bumped over the dazed body of the McDonald’s employee- “Ouchie!”- before picking up speed, pulling ahead of the traffic.
Clinging to the back bumper was Shampoo, crouched on a makeshift skateboard assembled from the splintered wreck of the cabbage cart. Four too-large wheels that wobbled and squeaked as they turned had been hastily attached to a board that was still in good shape. It wasn’t pretty, but it would do.
The hitchhiker stared dejectedly after the car, before she paused. “Wait. What’s…” She shifted her box into her hands, cracking the lid. “HEY! WHERE’D MY FOOD GO?!”
Shampoo giggled, hanging on to the bumper as she skitched behind the Chardinmobile. The squeaking of her skateboard’s wheels sounded like a mad violin playing endlessly. “All that time playing Tony Hawk is gonna pay off today!”
Plink. Plink.
Shampoo stumbled backward, barely keeping her balance on the board as the bumper detached itself from the frame, the car pulling ahead of her as inertia caused the makeshift skateboard to slow.
Up ahead, the trunk popped open, revealing a grinning Konatsu crouched within, a power drill in hand, having disconnected the screws holding the bumper on.
Shampoo’s eyes widened. “NINJA GIRL, YOU LITTLE SNEAK!”
“Toodle-oo!” Konatsu waved merrily as the car picked up speed, rounding the corner just as Shampoo lamely rolled to a squeaky stop in the middle of the street, still holding the bumper.
FarronMoon
Momentum halted, Shampoo quaked in place. Blazing aura reignited, her commandeered skateboard snapped cleanly under her feet. If the sneaky kunoichi plays dirty, the Amazoness also has many cards to play.
***
At the head of the wreckage in progress, Ranma slips free from a leglock courtesy of Akane before dropping from the rooftop into the crowd. He rapidly made his move. Anything-Goes: Pit Stop Makeover technique was a risky move with so much competition but red hair is too easy a target for sabotage. Oak brown wig in place, blue tank tucked in; the word BUST in bold on the front, matching eyeliner on point. Stifling a snicker, Ranma bounded and weaved through the streets unaccosted. There was no telling how many were still in the running, with how much property damage they’d accrued. Akane was undoubtedly in first, having dashed ahead after losing sight of her opponent. Shampoo would not be slowed down for long, their wager driving the violettette would make sure of that.
All canary smiles, the wild horse just couldn’t help himself. How could Ranma possibly turn down the challenge, when the soaring pride of victory is all the sweeter atop a strong foe. People said something’s gotta be wrong with his brain, or that maybe his namesake was to blame. Either way, he was born picking fights and looking higher. And right now, higher was busy with fighters slinging ice coolers and bento boxes and takeout containers, dodging fruit forks and bamboo chopsticks and giant spatulas. He admired hawks, but it’s lonely at the top. That’s why he intends to bring them all up with him. So what if he pisses people off doing it.
***
“This broadcast is brought to you in part by Chardin Foods inc, bringing fancy to your fights.” The announcers wheeled around from commercial break, readjusting their mics and feeling the spirit. “Yes, we’re all here to support our wonderful eating establishments! A big thank you for all your help funding this event to local donors and our sponsors. We’ve got delivery girls from the Cat Cafe, Ucchan’s Okonomiyaki, Furinkan Creamery, and more battling it out to be declared the best delivery service in town! No small honor either, the rewards are a must have for any enterprising restaurant!”
“Exactly right, and let’s get right to the happenings for you folks. Moments ago, Tendo, representing her home kitchen, leapt into the lead with a solid grip. Having ensured no ambush, the feisty would-be cook left second place, Saotome, in the dust!” One announcer flourished with a poofing gesture with his hands.
The other wooshed the mic, “And from the dust, nothing! Our poor up-and-comer delivery girl vanished without a trace and we’re still on the lookout! Stay tuned everybody, that redhead has already put our challengers on the backfoot in a flash!”
“Not to worry though, our cameras, magnanimously provided by local donators, spotted the Ucchan’s delivery girl Konatsu creeping swiftly towards the finish line! Oh, what’s this, her improv ride is driving the wrong way!”
“And there goes Shampoo, zipping by. It appears that she has wrapped noodles around her feet. Are those.. Ladies and gentlemen, the contestant has used ramen to strap the broken remains of a skateboard to her feet! Consulting the rulebook, it’s allowed! Using food as a tool for delivery is legal!”
The other announcer slapped their hands on the table, “Here she is folks, Saotome has caught Shampoo’s arm in a wicked leg lock! Ohh, that spring jump must not have been good for her balance, Shampoo retaliates with more noodle-fu!
JaquiK
“Just give it up, Shampoo,” Ranma called out, while staying attached to the purple haired contestant and also simultaneously dodging around every single ramen shot. Each movement threatened to shake the brown wig off his head, but somehow it managed to just stay on. “That year of free food belongs to me!”
“You wish, mystery girl,” Shampoo countered back as she continued to skate towards her destination and also try to shake off this unknown brunette who started to block her view of the road. “I have much bigger things than food waiting for my victory!” In a last ditch effort, she leapt up in the air, the two tumbling around, when they suddenly both crashed into a wall. Shampoo started to pull herself off the other girl so she could get back to catching up to that annoying Akane, but paused when she noticed the wall was smooth, wet, and oddly in the middle of the street. She and the mystery girl looked over to realize they were now on a flatbed truck and pressed against a giant glass aquarium with a big sign advertising ‘The World Famous Traveling Under-The-Sea Spectacular!’, and that the glass was rapidly cracking.
***
Akane had victory almost in her grasp, she could just feel it. Ranma and Shampoo were nowhere to be seen, and Konatsu’s ride somehow got turned around and started going the opposite direction. There was no one in her way now! No one was going to–
“Stop right there!”
She halted in her tracks as a masked girl with long brown hair wearing a chef’s uniform dropped down right in front of her. “Bad news, Tendo, this is where the race ends for you!”
Akane blinked in surprise, then scowled and pointed an accusatory finger at the girl. “Dammit, Ukyo, you know full well that the sponsors are not allowed to interfere!”
“What? No! I’m…” The girl pulled the mask off and struck a pose. “It’s me, Kaori! I’m here to win this race with my mastery of Martial Arts Cooking and finally prove that I’m the true fiancée of Ranma Saotome!”
Akane tilted her head slightly and stared for a few seconds, then asked, “Are you sure you’re not Ukyo?”
“Yes, I’m sure!” Kaori yelled, pointing a pair of chopsticks menacingly at Akane. “Okay, that’s it. It’s time I finished you off once and for–
“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
A soaking wet blur shot past Akane and right through Kaori, knocking the brunette girl to the ground. As Akane looked on, she realized after a couple of seconds that the blur was in fact Ranma running around erratically in an askew brown wig and blue tank top with a pink and purple cat latched onto his back and…was that Jamirocrab The Amazing Crustacean tap dancing on his head? She then realized after a few additional seconds that, more importantly, the jerk managed to get ahead of her.
“Oh no you don’t, get back here!” Akane called out, rushing after Ranma while stepping over the supine and dazed form of Kaori.
Leblackbird
***
Meanwhile, elsewhere away from the race, right outside the Tendo Dojo, stood the ever stoic and yet emboldening Genma Saotome (even though that ‘o’ should be replaced with an ‘a’ because he’s bald), and the seemingly stoic, but tender in the familial way, Soun Tendo, who stood a taller stature and in contrast to his old friend, had a head full of long hair. Standing outside by the entrance, staring into the distance, the pair of them standing by a crate full of beer; the non-alcoholic type with the cherry taste. Martial artists aren’t allowed to drink, at least not by their own philosophies.
Why were they out there? It was because they were able to get a moment’s peace for once from all of the chaos in their lives, at least ever since their children were engaged. Engaged in many different connotations, engaged in marriage, engaged in combat, engaged in the mayhem that surrounded their lives and the people engaged within it. It was moments away from their children, especially Genma’s gender-flipping prodigy of a child, the source of all of the havoc.
All the two could say to begin their converse, was an affirming, “Yep”, between the two men, after taking sips from their fizzed-up cans. They hadn’t said a word within the several minutes they stood by the road. Not as concerned or aggravated fathers, but as good friends. Until Genma coughed for a moment, thinking on what to say.
But suddenly, as if fate was about to wash over him, he was drenched by a sudden oncoming crimson road-washing truck, simply cleaning up the road beside the dojo. Though all the driver saw in his mirror after hearing a gruff yell, was only one man. One man and a rather large panda covered in water, clothes unravelled on the path below.
This was Genma’s curse in action. Whilst his son bore the curse (debatable if it is one depending on the day and how Ranma felt) of turning into a girl whenever cold water would strike them, Genma would turn into a panda when struck by cold water. And would be left unable to communicate, without the help of a sign that he somehow always was prepared with. This time he was prepared with a sign that displayed a simple expression: a grimace.
Soun, despite him being drenched himself, could only laugh at how annoyed Genma was in his current predicament, hearing what was the growling equivalent of a murmuring grimace from the panda. Genma could hold what he had to say for later, at least after getting hot water all over him, even if he’d sometimes struggle to fit in the bathroom. It was just another reminder that the chaos in Nerima was abundant.
GT_The_Beast
***
The organizers of this race beheld the spectacular confusion. Their best contestant had been plowed into the ground by what appeared to be a bystander. Were regular citizens of Nerima so bold as to also try to fix a race that was already fixed?
“This interference is too costly. I may have to take the field myself!” Mr. Daikoku stood up, reaching for the implements of his trade. “All I need are my noodles and I’ll be-”
Opening his storage containers, to his horror he found them empty. Empty! His precious extra wavy egg noodle mixture! They were gone! No, not gone. There was a hole in the other side of the box, and a paw was still inside of it. A paw with black and white fur. Leaning over, Mr. Daikoku saw that a panda bear of all things was stealing his food. “Bworf.”
“I cannot accept this!” Daikoku drew his chopsticks. “For my daughter’s honor! Behold, my vengeance!”
The panda pulled out a wooden sign with its other hand. ‘I am just a cute panda?’
Logic abandoned Daikoku. Battle was joined! The race organizers versus this crazed thief of a panda bear. All the while, they ignored the race that was in it’s apex!
Ranma’s brown wig was hardly holding on as they struggled to keep their sanity, Shampoo clamped around their arm like a clawed limpet. But their sacrifice wasn’t in vain! Akane was still in it! Ukyo was somewhere, but not trying to harm either party still in the race. It was just Kaori and Akane now, with Akane trying to ignore her limp, and Kaori Daikoku chasing along behind her with a fire in her eyes.
But the end of the race was only at the other end of the park. That was it! But all rational thought left Ranma and Shampoo as they impacted the first of the final obstacles. It was a simple one. It wasn’t an obstacle at all. It was three old grannies having tea. Multiple tea kettles full of hot water that would leave Ranma back to male in a clearly feminine costume. The tank top he could swear was a mistake of bad sleep. The tight shorts? A death sentence.
Worse was Shampoo’s reaction. Her claws dug into his arm, the cat yowling in terror as the oncoming risk was sighted. Ranma had but one choice. One way to escape this hellish existence. They charged the nearest tree, hoping against hope that it would knock him unconscious.
Which left Kaori and Akane with a final distance. The end in sight! Both girls gave a wary glance to the path ahead, as they watched the object of their love attack a tree that was in their way. “The trees!” Akane whispered. “They must be a trap!”
Kaori frowned, but accepted the advice from the only threat left in the race. “No more tricks, Tendou!”
“You’re the only one doing the tricks!”
Someone screamed nearby, as a purple cat hopped into the path. It was Shampoo, without Ranma. The last obstacle between Kaori and Akane was just a small cat.
jeweleddreams
A cat that had been trained by one of the greatest martial artists Nerima had ever seen, but a cat nonetheless.
“She’ll go after me.” Akane mused, wincing as pain shot up her leg from taking too heavy of a step. Sure Kaori was in better condition, but Akane was closer to the finish line, plus there was the fact that the amazon and her had…less than a stellar history. “Then again, this might be just what I need to win!” She glanced behind her, smirking at the slight look of confusion on her opponent’s face.
“What is up with this cat?!” Kaori wondered. “Do people in this crazy town just leave their pets out unattended?! And why is it purple?!” Clearly getting Ranma out of this insane town was for the best!
Every step brought Kaori closer to the limping Akane, who in turn was getting closer to that strange purple cat.
Without warning the cat jumped at Akane, claws extended to latch onto the youngest Tendo sibling’s good leg. Carefully, the girl twisted on her working leg, snatching the cat by the scruff out of thin air with the hand not holding onto the food she was supposed to be delivering. A quick flick of the wrist and the purple feline was sent flying at Kaori’s face.
The Daikoku heir screeched as claws dug into her cheeks. “Now she’s throwing cats?!” Kaori was doing her best to keep the furious animal from tearing off her face. “What is with the people in this town?!” Her opponent was getting closer to the finish line, she didn’t have time to waste on stray animals!
On the other hand, Akane was almost there! All the girl had to do was-
-a figure suddenly slammed into Akane, quick and vibrating with excitement as the two crashed to the ground, sending a white hot lance of pain through her injured leg. Thankfully, her cargo didn’t seem to have spilled, but still, who had run into her?
Vibrations coursed throughout Akane’s body as the figure purred loudly. Looking down she could only gape.
There, acting all the world like an affectionate kitten, was her fiancé Ranma.
There was only one thing going through Akane’s mind at that moment. “Oh for fuck’s-you had to fall into the Nekoken now of all times?!”
Futilely she tried to push the human cat off of her with one arm, but it wasn’t until she saw something in the distance that made her realize how much trouble she was really in.
Akane couldn’t move because Ranma was on top of her, Kaori was dealing with an angry amazon-turned-cat, and there, getting closer with every moment, was Ukyo.
dorkyduckling
The finish line felt so close yet so far away.
“Okay, Akane. One problem at a time.” Akane said to herself. Ukyo may be gaining and Kaori and Shampoo would be a problem eventually, but for now she’d focus on the issue at hand.
Ranma purred very happily on top of Akane without a care in the world. The cat-brained girl seemed oblivious to Akane’s plight and even to the race itself. While Akane might be happy about the latter fact for her own chances at winning, the former part was less ideal.
Careful of her injured leg, Akane rose to a standing position. She kept careful hold of her food in one hand while cradling Ranma with the other. She looked around to see if she could see anything that might help. Normally, when Ranma was cat-brained, Akane was fine with just petting her until she calmed down enough to go back to herself. Right now, she didn’t have time for that. She also couldn’t just take Ranma with her. Not only could it mess up the contest, but the extra weight was too much with her leg the way it was.
“Ahah!” Akane spotted something along the route that might help her out.
Meanwhile, Ukyo was gaining on Akane. Ahead of her, she could see Kaori wrestling with a pink cat. She was secretly glad that wasn’t her. Ukyo could also see Akane and as she got closer she could just make out Ranma with her too. She needed to pick up the pace if she was going to win. There were already too many people in front of her.
“Okay, Ukyo, you'd better get going.” Ukyo put on a burst of speed and ran forward, determined to catch up and then get in front of the others.
Kaori was not having a good time. She still couldn’t figure out where this pink cat had come from but that seemed the least of her worries at this point. Whoever’s cat this was, it was well-versed in fighting because it was clawing up Kaori like crazy. She wanted to use the Takeout Arts to try to get it off but she couldn’t get free enough to do so. Anytime she tried to drop a hand to do something, the cat pressed the advantage and just clawed at her more. The fight was also slowing her down and she could hear footsteps behind her getting closer and closer. Kaori needed to think of a solution to her problem and quickly.
Valyrym
Kaori screamed.
Again.
It was the fifth time in the last thirty seconds, and the only thing that had changed was that the pink cat had now latched onto her face like some kind of fuzzy facehugger. She staggered blindly, arms flailing, voice muffled by fur and rage.
Kaori spun in circles, trying to throw the creature off. It held fast, tail wrapped around her neck for stability, back legs rabbit-kicking her shoulders. From the sidelines, it probably looked like some kind of avant-garde interpretive dance.
“I’M A MARTIAL ARTIST, NOT A SCRATCHING POST!” Kaori shouted to the sky. Somewhere behind her, she thought she heard Ukyo’s laughter. That only made her more furious.
“You wanna fight dirty? Fine!” Kaori dropped into a sloppy stance, one eye barely peeking out from under the pink fluff now wrapped around her forehead like a violent headband. “Takeout Arts Special Technique, uh… Cat Dislodging Strike!”
She swung a container of sweet and sour pork at her own face.
It missed the cat entirely.
Instead, it burst open, soaking her with sticky sauce and meat chunks. The cat paused, sniffed the mess, and then doubled down on its attack, clearly viewing the change in Kaori’s scent as some kind of declaration of war.
Kaori toppled into a roadside ditch.
A small crowd of onlookers watched in stunned silence. One of them took out a camera.
“I’M FINE!” Kaori yelled from the weeds, trying to stand up. The cat leapt off her face and landed gracefully nearby, licking one paw as though it hadn’t just waged a full-on assassination attempt.
“I’m going to find whoever owns that cat,” she growled, voice low and dangerous, “and I’m going to deliver them into the next dimension.”
Kaori dragged herself upright. Her uniform was in tatters. Her hair was a tangled nightmare. There was rice stuck to her ear.
“Need a hand?” a helpful old man called from the sidelines, jogging over. “I’ve got a way with animals!”
Before Kaori could warn him of the impending danger, the cat launched itself at the old man and latched onto his face instead.
“GRAAH, MY EYES! MY EYES!”
The man flailed, crashing into Kaori and knocking them both into the ditch as the pink cat skillfully jumped off the old man.
The pink cat sat on the edge of the road, flicking its tail, perfectly composed. Like it hadn’t just ruined two lives in under five minutes.
Somewhere in the distance, the race continued.
Kaori didn’t care anymore.
legateallenson
One competitor and one obstacle down, she turned her attention back to the race. Well, the girl was also an obstacle... until now. Not being able to win herself didn't mean she couldn't make sure nobody else did.
Shampoo was going to make sure none of the others won and could hold that over her àirén. He was very food-motivated, after all.
With the speed of both cat and martial artist, she took off like a pink missile of vengeance. Paws blurring across the ground as she picked up speed, the pink-pointed Siamese angled upon her next prey.
Was it petty to attack someone directly? Sure.
Was it effective? Absolutely.
Even a small cat moving at high speed could deliver a lot of force, and just because she couldn't calculate the maths on the fly didn't mean it wouldn't hurt to hit someone on the fly.
"MEOW!" she vocalized her battle cry, which was a lot more profane inside her skull, and leapt into the air.
"What the...?" several people muttered in unison.
Including one Okonomiyaki chef.
Well, hers was more like "What th- WAAAGH!" as a four and a half kilo ballistic missile slammed into her at extreme speed. That sound was something akin to a side of beef being tenderized with a baseball bat, except neither the bat nor the beef usually screamed.
"MEOWMEOWMEOW!" she shrieked her profanity-laden complaint about how much it hurt to hit someone with your head like that.
Shampoo bounced around in a frenzy trying to 'walk it off,' which didn't help her new headache in the slightest. But at least she had the satisfaction of seeing Ukyo splayed out with little figurative swirls in her eyes.
'One more down,' she mentally tallied.
She stopped for a second to consider that the hot broth inside a competitor's delivery box, or maybe a couple of them to have enough, could change her back. It was quickly dismissed when she realized that would leave her naked in public.
That wasn't the kind of attention the Nekohanten wanted, and her grandmother would be sure to reprimand her harshly.
Idea discarded, she took a deep breath into her little lungs and started up to speed again. Box or no, she had to get to the finish before the others, so she had time to see who was going to make it... and make sure it wasn't her competition.
cloudyTomboy
Nabiki watched the competitors clowning their way through the park at the end of the race with dismay. All her schemes and plots, calling in the Kunos and the Chardins, deploying and redeploying Genma dozens of times…and in the end, Ranma had been defeated by a tree. Shampoo was out of the race on account of having no food left to deliver and being a cat. Ukyo and Kaori were out cold, mere meters from the finish line. Ranma was beginning to regain her wits, and Genma was en route to deliver her a replacement meal courtesy of Mr. Daikoku, but from her vantage point Nabiki could already see that it was too late. The race was already over.
***
Shampoo scanned the scattered trees of the park for her next target. She could see Ranma recovering, and her beloathed father-in-law approaching with a handful of loose, unseasoned noodles. By this point in the race, it would certainly pass for a delivered meal. Her airen was all but assured victory.
The only obstacle remaining was the obstacle that somehow always loomed in front of her. The dojo girl. As stubborn, bullheaded, strong, determined, and beautiful as ever, Akane was methodically picking her way through the park. In her hand she held a fistful of tulip petals and wasabi roots, foraged from the park. It wasn’t much, but it was edible. If she could make it to the target in time, there was just a chance it would win her the race. Shampoo couldn’t allow that to happen.
“Mrowr.” She growled out as she squared herself in her rival’s path. She would never allow the blue haired succubus to steal Ranma’s rightful victory. If she wanted to win she was going to need to earn it.
Just as she was preparing her precise angle of attack, she heard applause rising behind her. She spared a glance around but no; Ranma was still arguing with their father. Ukyo and Kaori were accounted for, and she could have sworn there were no other competitors left in the race.
The applause grew in volume. A golden light was bathing the park, its source somewhere behind her. She wondered what on earth might be happening at the finish line, but she couldn’t afford to take her eyes off Akane–but Akane, too, was becoming aware of the commotion. Shampoo watched her rival’s eyes widen and her grip slack as the golden light emanating from behind her lit up her face. As if in a trance, she walked straight past Shampoo without engaging at all. With no delivery in her hands she appeared to have given up the race, and so Shampoo finally allowed herself to turn and appraise the finish line properly.
A ring of trees surrounded a gazebo and a small ornate water feature at this end of the park. This was the finish line of the race. Whoever sat in that gazebo was the Customer to whom the meals were meant to be delivered.
The trees were arranged so that the interior of the gazebo was difficult to make out. With the rapidly brightening light it was only moreso, but as Shampoo squinted and approached the center of the copse she began to make out about a dozen figures seated on the benches within the structure.
Once she stepped within the stand of trees the light no longer shone so brightly. She could open her eyes and look around with clarity, and she was astonished at what she saw. From the inside, the small stand of trees appeared to contain a vast meadow. The gazebo stood right where it had been as she approached, but now it appeared massive and spacious. In the center of the structure, ringed by applauding onlookers, stood a young man she’d never seen before.
“Yohyo…?” She heard her beloved whisper incredulously beside her. She whipped her head around and discovered that all of her former competitors were now clustered near her, on the approach towards the gazebo. Ukyo and Kaori had rejoined them, but others too who she’d assumed long-lost. Yoiko, Konatsu, Temari, the elderly French woman, Kodachi and Tsubasa were clutching each other’s hands for some reason; even Ryouga had somehow made it back to the race…and Akane, in the same trancelike state as before, stood at the head of their little pack.
“Ranma!” The young man shouted merrily. “I’m so glad you were able to make it! I’m sorry you weren’t able to win our little competition, but there will be others I’m sure. Ranma Saotome never loses permanently after all,” Yohyo teased, winking along with that final statement.
“Mrrrp? Mowr?” Shampoo asked, awestruck.
“This? I think you know where this is, dear Shampoo.” Yohyo chided, warmly. Shampoo flushed, embarrassed. Of course. There was only one place this could be.
“My apologies to our runners-up, but let’s save this chatter for after the formalities. We have a winner to crown, after all.” Yohyo straightened and affected a formal tone as he turned to a figure so innocuous, so inconspicuous that Shampoo hadn’t noticed her even once this whole time.
“Y-yes, hi, um. I think I won?” Squeaked the unassuming girl. Shampoo could have sworn she’d seen this girl before, but she couldn’t place where. Or perhaps, because of her extraordinary plainness, she couldn’t quite tell if she’d seen this particular girl or just someone who looked nearly exactly like her.
“Have you, then, the ceremonial utensils?” Yohyo intoned gravely.
The girl proffered up a towel, which she unwrapped to reveal a large pile of broken glass shards. “Are these the ceremonial utensils?” she stammered out, uncertainly.
Yohyo waved a hand over the towel in a graceful gesture, and as his hand passed it came away clutching a handful of crystal utensils, whole and glimmering in the light.
“Well done. And what meal have you brought in offering?” Yohyo inquired, now smiling warmly.
“I. um. I had to run home and get some extra food because I lost mine really early on and I hope that’s okay uh. Sir. Customer sir.” The girl held out a bento box in front of her, with a simple lunch prepared inside it. Steamed rice, a small salad, some homemade pickles, and an omelette.
“Hoh! Your fast food delivery was spoiled so you went home and made something fresh, hoping to disguise it as a restaurant meal? What a delightful twist!” Yohyo clapped gleefully before taking the offered bento in both hands. After some deft rearranging, he held the bento in one hand and a pair of crystal chopsticks in the other, and slowly sampled a small bite from each portion of the bento.
“Magnificent. As your customer, I am more than satisfied.” Yohyo declared. “With this, the annual Martial Arts Delivery Race is concluded!”
The crowd of onlookers within the gazebo erupted in applause and cheers. Now that she was closer, Shampoo could make out the figures in the crowd. To her confusion, she recognized the majority of them. Every figure who’d appeared in the race today–up to and including Katsunishiki and Jamirocrab–stood within the wooden structure. Even figures who by rights should not have been cheering on the victory of this unassuming rando joined the celebration. Mousse and Cologne were hugging and shouting, laughing with glee. Picolet Chardin wiped a tear from his eye and sniffled, overcome with emotion.
With a snap, Yohyo brought the attention of the crowd back to himself.
“You have won two prizes today. The first, a year’s supply of instant ramen, needs no explanation I believe…although the specific number of packages will need to be negotiated with the contest’s lawyers after the ceremony.” The winner groaned and rolled her eyes. Shampoo agreed with her, the stipulations on these ‘year’s supply’ type prizes were always obnoxious.
“Your second prize is less specific, however. You remember what it is, right?” Yohyo looked into her eyes, expectantly.
“Of course, sir customer sir. How could I possibly forget the other prize? But is it true that you will grant me any one wish?” The girl asked.
Shampoo had forgotten that there was a wish on the line. And from the gasps she heard around her, so had many of the other participants.
“Of course I have no such grand powers,” Yohyo disavowed theatrically, “however, these crystal utensils are made from a special meteoric glass that it is said contains within it all the powers of a shooting star…so perhaps they can grant your wish?” Shampoo considered the preternatural surroundings and the magic he had seemed to perform upon those very utensils moments ago, and wondered where the magic at hand here truly lay.
The girl giggled at Yohyo’s theatrics, and seemed buoyed by his unserious manner to attempt some theatrics of her own.
“Well then, if thy powers truly be so meek,” she began with a deep western-style stage bow, “then I will wish a wish which even a star might grant.” She stood to her full, unimpressive height and looked Yohyo in the eyes. “I, Random Unnamed Side Character #42, wish for a name!”
A sudden wave of air pressure washed over the crowd. Shampoo watched it pass across the meadow, bending the grasses and flowers as it expanded outwards nearly faster than the eye could track. The crowd within and without the gazebo stood in silence for a long moment as Yohyo–and perhaps the magical utensils–considered the girl’s wish.
“Very well,” began Yohyo after more than a minute’s pause. “I believe this is a wish that we can grant you. I will speak, since the stars cannot.” He cleared his throat and raised his voice to address not just the girl, and not just the crowd, but the universe beyond as well.
“Random Side Character #42, I hereby dub thee: Pantyhose Tarou the Second.”