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Everyone was gathered in the institute chapel to see the bonding of new parabatai. It had been coming for a long time, everyone already called them soulmates. They were called soulmates even before Etho asked Bdubs to be his parabatai. Even before Bdubs said yes. There was a rumour that on the day they first met, as young teens, Bdubs had called Etho his soulmate after discovering they shared an interest in horse riding.
Joel sat in the second row from the front with Grian and Jimmy. The first row was reserved for the families of the parabatai pair. The space left for Etho’s family was much emptier than that of Bdubs’s. Bdubs’s parents were there, his sisters, his brothers, and an aunt and uncle. Etho had his father.
Etho and Bdubs stood face to face on the stage, one hand each clasped in a tight grip between them. Their eyes did not stray from each other, did not take in the crowd, and their moment was not interrupted by eager whispers or stares of awe. Joel was one of the ones staring in awe. He had only ever heard of these ceremonies, never seen one. He’d had them described to him in heartfelt detail, seen sketches of them in books, heard about them in lectures, but seeing it was magical.
Someday, if he was lucky—really lucky—he’d experience the same thing. He would find someone who knew him, who wanted him. Who had his back in battle and in life and death. Someone who knew his ticks and desires, and his strengths and weaknesses. The idea of finding anyone like that seemed so out of reach, but here it was, happening right in front of him. To Etho and Bdubs.
The head of the institute mounted the stage, holding an ornate, ceremonial stele. She stood between Etho and Bdubs, then nodded gently. They did not separate their hands, but they both seemed to relax, taking synced breaths, focusing on each other. The head of the institute held the stele out to Etho. He took it gratefully and grinned excitedly at Bdubs. Bdubs turned and presented his shoulder to Etho, who began etching the parabatai rune into his skin.
When Etho was done, Bdubs had barely winced and collected himself with a satisfied sigh. Etho held the stele out for Bdubs to take, so he did, and it was his turn to etch the rune into Etho’s shoulder. The same spot on both their bodies, in the same amount of time. When Bdubs was finished, he handed the stele back to the head of the institute.
Joel’s stomach swooped as they turned back to each other, clasping hands once again, pressing their forearms together. Then they pressed their foreheads together with closed eyes. The head of the institute stepped away, then off the stage.
“Entreat me not to leave thee,” Etho began.
The chapel dipped into silence. The air was warm and hummed with magic.
“Or return from following after thee—” Bdubs continued.
“For whither thou goest, I will go.”
“And where thou lodgest, I will lodge.”
This was going to be Joel some day. It had to be. Gosh, Bdubs was so lucky. Etho was brilliant, and kind, and tenacious, and protective of those he loved and anyone who couldn’t protect themselves. He had a fast mind in battle, he smithed weapons with eerie ease, and he shared everything he learned with everyone who asked.
A whirlwind rose around them, carrying the magic, whipping their hair and clothes.
“Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God,” Etho said.
Etho had masterful control of his emotions, nothing slipped unless he wanted it to be seen. And Bdubs would learn it all, his hauntings and hatreds, and loves, and dreams. Bdubs would be the only one to know what Etho truly feared, and when he feared it, or why. Only Bdubs would catch his hesitations, know his pains, and only Bdubs would be allowed to ask about them, or treat them.
The wind picked up, the air cooled.
“Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried,” Bdubs said.
Joel would follow Etho into death too. Though, Etho, dying? Impossible. It was cruel, disorderly, that someone so pure could die. That someone who wanted such goodness for so many people and things could be punished by any kind of end.
“The Angel do so to me, and more also,” Etho said.
Bdubs had snatched up the world’s most perfect parabatai.
“If aught but death part thee and me,” Bdubs finished, smiling.
The wind blinked out, floating away like mist. Etho and Bdubs kept there eyes closed for an extra moment, then met eyes. The chapel ached in impatience, ached to see the soulmates’ glowing runes, for them to speak their first words as parabatai. But they didn’t turn to show off their runes, and they didn’t thank the crowd for seeing their ceremony, and they didn’t thank each other for doing their own part.
The two of them crumpled. Their knees hit the stage and they gasped in pain.
“What’s happening?” Grian asked, rising in his seat.
Etho blindly grabbed for Bdubs’s shoulder, but as his hand landed, he pulled it away with a hiss. Bdubs yelled out and curled on himself. Etho grit his teeth and crawled a pace closer.
“I don’t know,” Joel hissed, stepping out from behind their pew.
Etho yelled in pain and dropped his forehead onto the ground. He held his stomach and tried to breathe.
“Someone help!” Joel ordered, rushing out from the pews, toward the stage.
Footsteps followed.
“Etho.” Joel vaulted onto the stage and landed on his knees by Etho. He grabbed Etho’s shoulders and lifted him. “Hey!”
Someone pulled Bdubs up.
“Hey,” Joel urged, pulling Etho’s face up.
Etho clutched Joel’s wrist with a pained gasp.
Then, Joel too, let out a pained gasp. He let Etho’s face go to brace himself on the ground. Etho’s head landed on Joel’s shoulder. There was a scalding, blistering sensation in Joel’s skin over his heart. Joel clawed at the area, feeling heat under his shirt. Etho held a hand over the same spot on his own chest.
“Back away—back away!” The head of the institute shouted.
A green glow surged between and all around Joel and Etho. All of the shouts from their concerned friends and family were blown away by a new surge of wind. Etho rose again to meet Joel’s gaze. They were cushioned in silence in the eye of the magical spiral.
“I feel…” Etho began.
You, Etho thought.
“I…” Joel swallowed. “I feel you too.”
The wind ceased in a shuddering burst, rattling the pews and the double doors behind the crowd. People yelped and cursed. Joel and Etho stayed staring at each other on the hard wood, with sore knees, with racing minds and—and shared feelings.
Etho grabbed the collar of Joel’s shirt and yanked it down. Where they had felt the burning, there was a new rune. One Joel had never had on his body. A very familiar rune. The Parabatai rune.
“No, don’t tell me,” Etho whispered, rushing to pull down the collar of his own shirt. He ended up ripping it, just to see the same mark. “No.”
Joel rubbed his chest where the new rune was, then looked behind himself for Bdubs. Bdubs was standing, leaning with his arm slung over his father’s shoulder, with Impulse at his other side. Staring. All staring, right at Joel.
Joel turned back to Etho, “Are you… okay?”
Etho ignored him, searching for his first parabatai rune—the one that was supposed to be on his shoulder—the one that wasn’t there. Etho’s eyes snapped back to Joel. This is not what he wanted, this was not who he asked to be his parabatai, and this was not who had said yes. Etho wanted to share his strength with Bdubs, he wanted to feel Bdubs’s pain, know Bdubs’s soul inside and out. Joel was not Bdubs.
Joel flinched.
“Etho?” Bdubs called.
Etho stumbled to his feet—he was dizzy—and rushed past Joel. Joel watched him go, frozen on the stage, in front of a crowd that came to see Etho and Bdubs united in magic. Etho gingerly touched Bdubs’s shoulder, then more firmly when it didn’t sting either of them. He looked desperately for Bdubs’s parabatai rune but, it too, was not there.
“Joel let’s,” Jimmy knelt in front of Joel, “let’s get you off this stage, huh?”
Dazed, but eager to hide, Joel slid off the stage steadied by Grian, waiting there for him. Joel snuck a look back at Etho—they needed to talk, they needed to figure this out.
The head of the institute took to the stage again, calling on everyone to listen, to not be alarmed. But Etho was highly alarmed and Joel could feel it.
“We will take our time to understand what has happened here,” she said calmly, “until then, we ask that everyone avoid speculation and do not attempt to interfere with the magic that has…” she looked woefully at Joel, “tampered with this ceremony.”
“Come on,” Grian whispered, tugging Joel past pews of people. “I don’t like the way they’re looking at you.”
Joel was more concerned with the way Etho was looking at him, so he turned to try and see. Etho was busy hugging Bdubs. Jimmy stepped into the way, blocking Etho from view, ushering Joel forward.
“I didn’t mean to,” Joel whispered.
“We know,” Jimmy said. “We know that.”
“Why did that happen?”
“We… don’t know.”
**********
Joel may not have been Etho’s intended parabatai, but they were parabatai nonetheless. This meant that being apart from Etho, so soon after having their souls tethered, hurt. He tried not to seek Etho out, he tried to ignore the bond that he’d forced upon Etho—somehow—and he failed to ignore the fact that Etho hadn’t so much as sent him a message. No, ‘haha crazy ceremony, right?’ Not even ‘I hate you.’ Thank goodness.
Maybe Etho was waiting to see him in person, and that would be difficult considering Joel had not left his room since the ceremony. The only time the door opened was when he went to the bathroom, or when Jimmy and Grian came in. Joel was lying face-first in a pillow, guiltily wishing Etho couldn’t feel his despair, when they came in again. He did not get up, not even when they sat on the mattress on either side of him.
“Joel, you haven’t been to the meal hall in days,” Grian said from his right.
“What are they all saying?” Joel asked.
“A mix of things,” Grian admitted.
“Grian,” Jimmy warned.
Joel turned onto his back, then watched as the concern on both of their faces deepened. He stared at the ceiling and tried to ignore them in his periphery.
“What are they saying?” Joel asked again.
“People are saying it was Bdubs’s fault,” Grian said matter of factly. “That he wasn’t good enough for Etho.”
“No,” Joel sighed. “That’s not fair. Cause’ neither am I.”
“Joel,” Jimmy scolded, “that’s not true.”
Joel shrugged. “What else are they saying?”
“That Etho and Bdubs weren’t meant to be, and your bond with Etho was the will of the angels,” Grian continued.
“Parabatai bonds are meant to be a choice,” Joel grumbled. “They’re not destined by the angels—and when parabatai bonds fail it doesn’t create a new bloody bond.”
“Maybe we don’t know everything we thought we did,” Jimmy said.
Joel looked at him with exasperation, then back at the ceiling with crossed arms. He winced at a particularly angry feeling from Etho’s side of their bond.
“How are Etho and Bdubs?”
“Bdubs went back home for a while,” Grian said. “He and Etho haven’t talked much from what I’ve seen.”
Joel put his hands over his face.
“Hey,” Jimmy said softly, “hey. This is not your fault. You had no idea that was going to happen, and I have a suspicion that if you hadn’t been in that chapel… that ceremony would have failed anyway.”
“So what?” Joel snapped, “you think Etho and I are bound by the angels’ will too?”
“I think,” Jimmy started carefully, “that Bdubs and Etho were close. Perfect friends and friends only. I think…” he looked to Grian for help, who only nodded in encouragement, “I think that in every fight and on every mission, Etho brings out the best in you and you bring out the best in him.”
“That’s absurd.”
“He’s right,” Grian said.
“I barely know Etho.”
They didn’t hang out outside of missions, but Etho and Bdubs did. Joel had always had a strange sort of interest in Etho—because he was a mysterious guy! Joel was always curious about him, and sure, he loved fighting next to Etho—but that was only because they fought well together. They covered each other naturally. Joel lacked a bit of awareness, so Etho often knocked away the extra blows Joel didn’t see coming. And Etho lacked a bit of rhythm, so Joel often fought around Etho, pushing and pulling enemies depending on where Etho needed them. It wasn’t a soulmate thing, it was a team thing! Regular battle tactics.
“Maybe the angels are trying to tell you to get to know him,” Grian suggested.
“He wanted Bdubs. I ruined that for him,” Joel closed his eyes tightly. “Can you imagine that feeling? Being on stage, saying the oath, then losing your parabatai as soon as you got him?”
“I imagine it’s almost as painful as watching your parabatai recite the oath with someone else.”
“He was not my parabatai,” Joel hissed, “I was not jealous.”
“I didn’t say jealous,” Grian placated, “I said it must have been painful.”
Joel sat up, enraged, and confused, and still guilty. He pulled his knees up and hooked his arms over them.
Then, he mumbled, “We still don’t even know if Etho and I are meant to be parabatai.”
“But you are parabatai, Joel,” Jimmy said. “And Bdubs and Etho and not. If there is anything that ‘wasn’t meant to be,’ it was them.”
Joel hid his face in his knees. “I feel awful.”
“You need to talk to him,” Grian said.
“He’s angry.” Joel felt it. The anger, and the sadness, and the guilt, and regret—gosh—he shouldn’t have to regret anything. Etho didn’t do anything wrong. “He doesn’t want me.”
Joel’s eyes stung, and he was embarrassed to know that Etho felt it.
**********
Joel was on the roof of the institute, late at night, when Etho finally spoke to him. He hadn’t been expecting Etho, he hadn’t been expecting anyone. Joel’s guard was down, and that was dangerous, but he was too busy looking down and thinking about Etho to actually notice Etho sneaking up behind him. When Etho leaned his forearms on the stone rail next to Joel, Joel jumped.
“Blummin’ heck, Etho!” he looked away from Etho for a long moment, then turned back to him. “You scared the life out of me.”
“You couldn’t sense that I was close?” Etho asked.
A jab at the strength of their parabatai bond was not the first thing Joel expected to hear out of him.
“I was distracted.”
“I could tell.”
Etho watched Joel and Joel watched the ground. Joel couldn’t handle it for long. Etho was finally next to him and Joel wasn’t going to lose his chance to talk.
“I’m really sorry, Etho. I’m really sorry,” Joel continued to stare at the ground far, far below them. “I don’t know what happened and I didn’t mean for it to happen—and I really was there to see you and Bdubs become parabatai and that was it. And I’m sorry that you’re stuck with me when you wanted him.” Joel met Etho’s eyes. “Please, forgive me Etho, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
It hurt so bad. From both sides. Joel hurt and Etho hurt and it was so bad.
Etho grabbed Joel by the far shoulder and pulled him into a hug. Joel reacted instantly, clinging onto Etho’s back, begging for it not to be a pity hug.
“It’s not a pity hug,” Etho mumbled.
It was the truth and Joel knew it because Etho’s pain, right now, was an echo of Joel’s. It was the guilt of making Joel feel unwanted, guilt of directing anger toward Joel, ignoring him on the stage, saying No when he found out they were bound.
Etho tightened the hug. “I’m not disappointed that we’re bound.”
It was truth, again, but Joel shook his head. “You have to be.”
“No,” Etho said quickly. “I’m not disappointed that we’re bound. I’m just also sad that it wasn’t with Bdubs.”
It was fair but it still stung. And Joel hated that it stung. He hated that Etho’s completely reasonable feelings were hurting Joel’s feelings.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” Etho whispered.
“You were being honest.”
“I shouldn't have said that.” Etho flattened a hand over Joel’s back. “But I will say this,” Etho pulled back, keeping one hand on Joel’s shoulder, “That pain, on the stage, after we finished our oath? That started before you even got up from your seat. All you did was rush to help me.”
“What if I hadn’t been there?” Joel whispered. “What if I hadn’t been in the room?”
“Then maybe we would have been in pain until you got there, because it only stopped when you did.”
Joel looked back down over the edge, then out over the city. He put his hands on the stone wall, leaning tiredly—precariously. Etho put his forearms back on the railing, also looking out over the city.
“This has never happened before,” Joel whispered. “We’re the first parabatai in history that didn’t get to choose. Isn’t that… eerie to you?”
Etho shrugged. “It’s kinda… cool?”
“Not for Bdubs.”
Etho winced, his chest ached and his stomach swirled.
“Sorry,” Joel said.
Etho shook his head. “You’re right. I feel terrible. I asked him to be my parabatai and went ahead and got magically bonded with someone else. He thought he was going to have someone—his whole family was there. I talked about it every night after I asked him, I told him how happy I was when he said yes.”
Joel wished Etho had asked him, instead. Spent late nights talking to Joel about how excited he was. About all the things they’d do and all the ways they’d better each other.
Etho frowned. “Sorry, sorry, I keep doing that. I just—I love Bdubs a lot and I can’t imagine what he’s feeling right now. And I was so ready to know what he was feeling.”
“Maybe,” Joel watched Etho’s face, “maybe we can still break the bond. You can try again.”
“No…”
Joel summoned his angel blade. “Maybe all we have to do is remove the rune.”
“Stop that,” Etho smacked Joel’s blade away. It clattered on the roof and blinked out. “Don’t even think about trying that, Joel.”
Joel turned away from his blade and looked back over the edge.
“Joel,” Etho said gravely, “you are my parabatai now. It wasn’t what we were expecting, but I don’t want it undone.”
“I do,” Joel whispered.
Ow, ow, ow—Etho did not like that.
“Why?” Etho asked.
“I can not be the reason you and Bdubs don’t talk anymore.”
“We—” Etho sighed, “Bdubs and I are fine. We will be fine. Our friendship isn’t going to end, just like that. I mean it, Joel. I called him last night.”
Joel snapped back toward Etho. “And?”
“And he said that he didn’t have the energy to talk yet, but he loved me and he’d call me back.” When Joel didn’t respond, Etho continued, “So don’t go trying to get rid of me because you’ll end up hurting yourself, me, and Bdubs.”
“Okay, Etho.”
Etho nodded, then looked up at the stars.
“You’ve just been in so much pain,” Joel said.
“So have you.”
Joel leaned against Etho. “We’re gonna be in the history books for this.”
“Can’t wait.”