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"Stay out of the rain, Prince Noctis. You'll catch a cold."
"Don't read in the dark, Prince Noctis. You'll strain your eyes."
"Don't stay up too late, Prince Noctis. You need your rest."
Ignis had always been an incessant nag. But the worst thing about him was that look on his face when he was right. And that horrible smug look was what Noctis woke up to one morning in Galdin Quay after a series of hunting missions in the rain, feverish and sniffling.
"It seems that our prince has a cold," Ignis remarked slyly, handing Noctis a cup of tea he had already brewed. Noctis turned his nose up the harsh medicinal smell, which only made the sadistic butler grin wider.
"No wonder, he was soaking wet last night and still 50 pounds," Gladiolus teased dryly. He was reading the same book he had been slowly working through for weeks, relaxing in a recliner by the window. Clearly, he thought they weren't heading anywhere fast today.
At that, Noctis remembered all the things on his to-do list. He surged up, thrashing in his covers. He had to turn in yesterday's hunts, then take materials to Cid, then take MORE hunts, and there were the dog tags for Dave, not to mention he had to get the Regalia repaired after running over a demon last night.
"Eos to Noct!" a shrill, horrible voice pierced his ears. His best friend sneaked into his vision, bright yellow hair and even brighter expression making Noctis's mood worse. "I don't know where you think you're going, but it's certainly not far from this bed."
"Unless you are going to throw up," Gladiolus added. "Then get the hell out of here."
"I'm not going to throw up!" Noctis complained. "I'm fine!"
"Noct, you have my skin tone," Prompto remarked, holding his forearm up to Noctis's face. "On me, it's handsome. On you… zombieville."
"We at least have to turn in all our materials from yesterd-"
Noctis cut himself off with a distinctly princess-y sneeze, sort of like a baby chocobo's cry. He already felt himself blush in mortification, before he opened his eyes again and saw… something totally unexpected.
"…damn it," Ignis cursed, much calmer than he should be for a man with a sword sticking in his boot. "That's why I wear shoes in the house."
"Where did that come from?" Prompto panicked. "Are we under attack?"
"…oh no," Gladiolus grumbled. "Looks like Noct has trouble controlling himself."
"What, like wetting the bed?" Prompto asked. "Cause I sleep with him every night, and that's never happened."
"Guys…" Noctis cursed, sinking into his bed.
"No, he stopped bedwetting when he was seven," Ignis informed casually. "He's just lost control over his inventory storage capabilities. In essence…"
"He's sneezing out weapons?!?!?!" Prompto screamed, finally piecing everything together.
Just then, Noctis let out another cutesy sneeze, this time hearing a loud bang from near Prompto.
"Holy shit!" the blonde screeched, scrambling off the bed. "Don't just drop the Axe of the Conqueror on me dude!
"I'm not meaning t- ACHOO!"
Luckily, this time he heard the familiar sound of like 50 cups of noodles dropping out of nowhere. Far less lethal.
"…I'll go ahead and pay for another night in this room," Ignis added in a voice so tired it could drain the energy out of a newlywed. "And put our card on files for damages."
Noctis, mortified and squirming deeper under the blankets, peered over at Ignis through his hair.
"T-thanks," he said slowly, like the very word hurt him.
Ignis turned around at that, his harsh teasing expression forgotten, and offered a small smile.
"You are very welcome. Get some rest, Noctis."
It was a sweet moment. Or it would be, if Noctis didn't sneeze and then immediately drop a bunch of monster parts on Ignis's head.
Hours later, and a massive pile of items had appeared littered throughout their hotel room. Noctis's rest had been few and far between, since every sneeze felt like he was coughing up a sword. And, with sheer boredom empowering them, his so-called friends decided to spend their time organizing and analyzing every single item that fell out of his "warp hole". As Prompto had decided to affectionately call it.
"So I have the weapons sorted," Gladiolus mentioned, glancing at the truly massive pile of metal behind him. "Along with the… elemancy items."
Now that had been a close call. When Noctis sneezed out a bottle filled with Firaga, he was certain it was all over. He thanked whichever of the six were watching when the glass bottle fell right into Prompto's hands.
"I have categorized the foodstuffs," Ignis stated proudly. "We really should cut down on noodles. This cannot be healthy."
"Hey!" Prompto objected, mouthful of those same noodles. "Just because Cup Noodles is affordable, easy-to-make, and delicious, that doesn't mean they're unhealthy!"
"Name a food that is affordable, delicious, easy-to-make, and healthy," Ignis said scathingly.
"Uh… apple."
"…"
"He's got you there," Noctis observed, earning a scowl from Ignis.
"Anyway, I got the monster parts sorted," Prompto added, glancing at the mile of horns, fur, bones, and eyes behind him. "Nasty stuff. So that just leaves…"
They all glanced to the pile in the center, which was covered with more personal items. Noctis thanked the fact that he was so sickly pale right now, or else he was certain he'd be blushing straight to his ears. Which was ridiculous, since he knew all of them since he was little and had fucked them at least 20 times each on this roadtrip. There shouldn't be any secrets left.
"Well, let's see what our boy's hiding." Gladiolus teased, wearing that shark-like grin Noctis normally associated with his battle.
"This is incredibly unprofessional," Ignis commented, literally grabbing the first item off the top. He peered at the small plastic ring curiously.
"Is this… a replica ring of the Lucii?" he observed, squeezing the flexible material between his forefingers. Gladiolus peered over his shoulder, before doing that full belly-laugh he was so good at it.
"Not just any replica, Iggy!" he barked. "Our prince bought a cock-ring!"
Ignis squawked in a way Noctis found both annoying and adorable before flinging the offending accessory at the wall… where it then bounced off and hit Prompto in the back of the head.
"Owwwww," he complained.
Noctis covered his mouth to stifle his hoarse laugh, which then transformed into another sneeze.
"Outta the way," Gladiolus barked, immediately switching into action to tackle Prompto to the ground before an entire charcoal grill hit him in the head. Followed by another sneeze, followed by a full bag of charcoal.
"Your tits are crushing me," Prompto groaned.
"You weren't complaining Tuesday night, birdie~"
"Now is not the time to seduce me," Prompto huffed. "Get off!"
He childishly thrashed and hit Gladiolus, which seemed to only tickle the muscle lug, but he was eventually hoisted up from under him by Ignis. On the way up though, he seemed to spot something in the pile and dove for it.
"This is my old game console!" he cheered. "G-B-A! G-B-A!"
Prompto danced around, powering on the old system. A nostalgic chirp sounded throughout the room, the system somehow still charged. A bit-crushed version of the Legend of Link game escaped the console, the hit RPG where you play as everyone's favorite warrior princess Zelda.
"Wait a minute, this is my old game console!" Prompto objected, turning on his heel to glare at Noctis. "How'd it wind up in your warp hole?"
"Royal armory," Ignis corrected under his breath, not that anyone noticed or cared.
"You liked it more than me," Noctis mumbled eventually, trying to cover up the sound with his pillow. Prompto grew even more red at that, although Noctis couldn't tell if it was from anger or embarrassment or both.
"I never finished the game!" Prompto complained. "I thought I lost it! And here I thought you were my friend!"
Ignis stiffly patted Prompto's back while the blonde pouted. "Sorrows. Prayers."
"What else have you taken from me!" Prompto theater-sobbed, in a way so exaggerated that even Noctis, who has the social skills of a lizard, could tell he was already over it.
"Hey!" Gladiolus exclaimed. "I've been looking for this!"
Noctis looked over in mounting horror as Gladiolus pulled out… a clearly used jockstrap.
The whole room fell silent for a moment. Ignis took off his glasses, rubbed them on his shirt, then placed them back on his face. Unfortunately, the sight was the same. Gladiolus stretched the jockstrap out like a rubber band, clearly not as bothered as everyone else seemed to be. That somehow made Noctis feel even more embarrassed.
"Wait, is that my cologne?" Ignis gasped, snatching an expensive-looking bottle from the pile.
"And my scarf!" Prompto added, yanking a yard of knit fabric from the pile.
"H-hey!" Noctis objected as they picked over the pile. "I meant to give it back! You just leave your things laying around!"
Gladiolus chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief as he pulled out a pair of boxers.
"Wait, you had condoms?" Prompto chuckled, holding up a little foil package with a chocobo on the cover. "I thought you said we were out, so I had to go in raw?"
"You what?" Ignis thundered.
"It's not like you're sleeping with anyone else!" Noctis objected. "It's all safe!"
"That is NOT a reason to engage in such unsafe practices!" Ignis screeched. "Do we need to have the talk again?"
"Lay off the kid," Gladiolus chuckled. "You literally eat ass. You have no room to judge."
"I will have you know that rimming is a perfectly normal and traditional sex act!" Ignis objected, losing more composure by the second.
"Uh, guys?" Prompto asked.
"I'm just saying you're a literal bottom-feeder, so maybe keep the preaching to a minimum in front of our boy," Gladiolus said breezily, although based on his muscles flexing he was becoming more tense by the minute.
"Funny, I didn't hear you complaining as you begged me to go deeper last week," Ignis spat. "Or how you said 'no one can make me feel this good, not even Cor.'"
"Hey, Cor does his best. He just has no stamina!" Gladiolus said, somehow thinking that was a valiant defense of his friend.
"GUYS!" Prompto yelled, making Noctis wince in pain. Although he couldn't imagine how much worse it could get.
After all, Prompto was holding the most damning thing of all. Noctis's… to-do list.
"Please don't look at that," he whispered, not that they gave a damn earlier. Ignis and Gladiolus had already ended their feud and were eagerly flipping through like nothing happened. Prompto jumped about trying to get a look, objecting that 'I found it first, I should get to know all his secrets!'
"'To-do: turn in weapons to Cid, visit landmark for Prompto, turn in hunts, help Ignis in kitchen-'" Ignis drawled.
"'-camp in woods for Gladio,'" Gladiolus continued reading. "'Make sure to delay until nightfall, so it looks like you are stuck camping for the night so Prompto doesn't complain.'"
"Hey!"
"You do complain a lot," Noctis offered, which just got him another glare. He decided to shut up.
"'Hunt down missing weapon, try hidden walls,'" Ignis continued. "'Smart idea.'"
"'Budget funds, take small amount for personal savings. And-'"
Gladiolus stopped in his tracks, sharing a meaningful look with Ignis.
"Maybe we, erm, shouldn't be reading this," Ignis suggested.
"Oh come ON!" Prompto objected.
"You might as well just say it," Noctis grumbled.
Ignis offered an apologetic look before continuing. "'-and finish planning surprise party for the guys with Cindy.'"
"Wait, there's a surprise party?" Prompto wondered, tilting his head like a lost puppy.
"Not anymore," Noctis grumbled.
"…we set out a year ago," Gladiolus realized quietly. "How did I forget?"
"Wait, there's NO way it's been that long!" Prompto objected. "I put the date in my phone!"
He flipped through his digital calendar, only to stop in his tracks. He presumably saw that the date was, in fact, the same day as today.
"So that's why you've been working all of us to the bone," Ignis observed neutrally. He was doing that thing where he pushed up his glasses and became completely unreadable. Noctis hated when he did that.
And even worse, Noctis was sick. And when he was sick, he got emotional easy. And when he got emotional, his voice sounded like the cries a soaked cat trapped in a plastic bag floating down a river. Or at least that's how Prompto had described it once.
"I'm sorry," he whispered again, sound hoarse and pathetic. He watched through his bangs as the three all exchanged looks of concern, before setting the to-do list down.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, bud," Gladiolus said with a heavy sigh. "We'll get this fixed."
"Y-yeah! We can get a party together no problem!" Prompto added all-too-cheerily.
"All the decorations and gifts are at Hammerhead," Noctis complained. "And I haven't had time to get food ordered and we're trapped in a hotel room and I feel like I'm about to cough up a lung any moment! It's ruined!"
Ignis sighed, laying his lead low for a moment. Then, he stood up with a look of determination and grabbed the car keys off the wall.
"Where are you headed?" Noctis wondered emptily.
"Hammerhead."
"I'll talk to the chef here," Gladiolus offered. "Give her a show for a fish taco platter or something."
"And I'll, uh, stay here with Noctis!" Prompto offered. "In case he sneezes up a bomb again."
"Guys…" Noctis whined, feeling tears well up again. God, he felt like a baby right now.
"Rest up while you can," Ignis offered. "Because tonight we're going to… party."
He said the last word like some sort of alien threat, then disappeared out the hotel door. Gladiolus followed soon after, and Prompto began to try and clean up the room. Tired, embarrassed, overly-sentimental, and filled with snot, Noctis felt sleep take him almost immediately.
"Rise and shine, sweetpea!" a deeply southern voice rang out. Noctis blinked the sleep out of his eyes, staring around the room blearily.
The whole place had been transformed. All the spilled items were sorted and presumably hidden in a closet or under the bed. Balloons and banners were all over the place, and his friends all sat at a table in the center, with an array of fish tacos as promised.
"Guys…" Noctis sniffled, which he swore was from all the congestion. With Cindy's help, he crawled out of bed and over to the table. He still felt shaky, like the fever had drained all his energy, but he was able to fall into the chair and look at the spread in front of him.
"You can thank Coctura for the spread," Gladiolus explained.
"When you nodded off, I was also able to convince Dino to help clean everything up if he could take all the shiny rocks he wanted," Prompto added. "He's sort of like a lizard."
"Perhaps that explains the name," Ignis mused.
"…I don't get it."
Ignis seemed to deflate a little at that, but then Cindy let out a big snort of a laugh.
"Aw, I get it. Like Dino-sawr. Grampa told me about them. You're a real sharp tack, Iggie!"
"I… suppose I am?"
Noctis covered his mouth to stifle a very unmanly giggle. He always got a chuckle out of Ignis and Cindy's interactions. To think, they grew up only a 5 minute drive from each other and yet were so different.
"A whole year, huh." He commented, staring off into space. That seemed to give the group pause. "Sure doesn't feel like we've made much progress."
"Hey, finding ancient mausoleums is hard!" Prompto said reassuringly. "We're doing fine."
"That is literally the point of them, bud." Gladiolus said. "Besides, we're up to six or something right? Feels good to me."
"Not to mention y'all've been helpin' everyone from here to timbuktu!" Cindy crowed. "If you ask me, you've done enough good for a lifetime, let alone a measly year."
"Revolutions are long, hard work," Ignis added. "The empire is overwhelming. It is best we work incrementally, so as not to endanger everything we've built."
Noctis coughed, the air suddenly feeling heavy and stale.
"Gee, way to kill the mood Iggy," Cindy snarked. "You ain't even got the sense god gave a goose!"
"Do you plan to drive back on your own, ma'am?" Ignis retorted in a thin mockery of her accent.
"Oh bless your heart, I service every car in this region. If I go hitchhikin, I guarantee'll have a line of cars longer'n your ego faster than chained lightning!"
"Oh! The cake!" Prompto cried, diving over to another table to pick it up. "It was a bit of a rush job, but we hope you like it."
Noctis shuffled back in his chair as a simple one tier cake was thrust in front of him, sloppily iced and with a toy car stuck on top that looks like the Regalia in the same way that a chicken and a vulture look alike. That is to say, they were definitely the same general species but that's about it.
"Oh chickadee, that's a jeep," Cindy admonished.
"I-I tried my best! I had to pay a kid like 100 gil for this!"
"It looks great you guys," Noctis whispered hoarsely. He didn't know why, since he was so relaxed and happy, but he hurt badly. He almost instinctively wanted to reach for a healing item, but he knew that wasn't the problem.
"Oh sugar, you're crying!" Cindy pointed out. "What's wrong?"
Real helpful comment, Cind. Now everyone's staring at him. Noctis reached up to his cheek and, true enough, a bit of wetness stuck to his fingers. Fantastic.
"No, it's fine. It's just…"
Noctis paused for a moment. It's just that you are the best friends a guy could ask for. It's just that I've been working so hard for so long so sitting still for more than 2 seconds makes me feel violently ill.
"…I can't eat any of this!" he complained. This was ALSO a very real concern, so it wasn't much of a deflection. But the group took the bait and broke out into laughter.
"Don't worry, bud, I'll eat twice as much for you!" Gladiolus chuckled.
"You eat twice as much anyway!" Prompto objected.
"Not my fault you're all so scrawny!"
"Says the man who refused to train me most of my childhood," Noctis scoffed.
They continued bickering like that for the rest of the night. At the end, after the cake was divied up and devoured, Noctis silently grabbed the discarded toy car and pocketed it into the armory. In his mind, where he organized and stored each and every item he had collected, he placed it in a little box labeled with the memory of his friends, along with other bits and baubles he had collected along their roadtrip with no one noticing.
And then he locked that box away, deep in his storage, so that way no one could ever see it. No one except him.
A man had to have some secrets, after all.