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“MIKEY!” Donnie yelled in frustration. “Are you kidding me?” He gestured wildly at Raph, who was laying on the floor with a needle sticking out of his arm. He groaned and attempted to roll over, but quickly gave up and curled into a ball. Donnie pinched their brows and sighed.
“Help me get him up. We’ll take him to the couch.” Donnie and Mikey moved to either side of Raph. They each grabbed him under his armpits and hoisted him to his feet.
“Wha’happun?” Raph slurred.
“Mikey did.” Donnie replied, forcefully monotone. Mikey turned his head away. The trio slowly made their way out of the lab.
Once Raph was placed on the couch, he whined and rubbed his arm where he was jabbed. He was staring at the floor. Donnie crouched down to look at Raph's face. She saw a wobbly lower lip and glassy eyes (and blown pupils but that was an effect of the venom). Her brows furrowed in confusion. He stood back up and turned to Mikey.
“Stay with him,” they instructed before leaving. Mikey watched them walk away, then flopped down on the couch beside Raph. He felt his brother lean against his side and rest his head on his shoulder. Mikey let his head fall on top of his brother's.
He sighed, “I'm sorry, dude. I didn't see you behind me. I shouldn't have been playing with a syringe anyway.”
Raph nuzzled against his shoulder. He closed his eyes and nuzzled back before he froze and his eyes shot open. He realized Raph never shows this much physical affection. Instead of freaking out, like he really wanted to, Mikey sat still. He paid attention to every minute move his brother made. He could feel the terrapin fidgeting with his hands, likely picking at something on his skin or the couch.
Donnie re-entered the living room with Leo and April on her tail. The three stopped in front of the couch where the other two turtles sat.
“See what I mean?” Donnie gestured to Raph.
Leo sighed, “Yeah, he's poisoned. What do we do?” He asked the local genius.
“Keep an eye on him while I finish the antivenin… again.” He shot a glare at Mikey. The youngest smiled nervously. He wanted to shrug but chose not to.
As Donnie left again, heading for their lab, Raph began whining again. She glanced back but kept walking. One of his hands flapped wildly while the other touched multiple parts of his body. It went from his stomach to his chest to his throat. His hand was right in front of his mouth when he leaned over and vomited on the floor.
Leo and April jumped back. Mikey pulled his legs up onto the couch. Once Raph was finished, Mikey gently reached a hand over and rubbed his shell. Raph flapped his hand covered in stomach contents, flinging the liquid everywhere, and started to breathe faster. Leo jumped to the other side of his brother, diligently avoiding the mess on the floor, and grabbed Raph's wrist.
“Hey, it's okay. Let's go to the kitchen and wash your hand.” He gently pulled on Raph until the terrapin stood up. Leo led each of his steps to maneuver them both around the vomit. When he looked up at Raph, he realized the younger one was crying.
Fat tears rolled down Raph's cheeks. His lip quivered. He bit it to prevent himself from sobbing. Leo immediately switched to mother hen mode. He cupped Raph's face and rubbed away his tears with his thumbs.
“Oh, it's okay, Raph. You're sick, no one's mad at you for throwing up. Happens to the best of us.” He gave a soft smile. Raph fully burst into tears. He sobbed like a toddler. Leo almost went in for a hug before remembering why he was holding Raph's wrist.
“Cmon, hun.” He said, pulling Raph toward the kitchen.
April and Mikey watched with stunned expressions as the other two walked away. They looked at each other for explanation. Mikey shook off the shock first.
“I guess he's really sick. Must be messing with his head.” He shrugged.
“Yeah…” April agreed, clearly zoned out. She snapped back and said, “I'm gonna clean this up,” and walked away.
In the kitchen, Leo washed Raph's hand while the hothead stood half behind him and cried against his carapace. The leader so badly wanted to comfort his brother but cleanliness came first. Once Raph's hand was dry, Leo immediately turned around and enveloped Raph in a hug. Raph reciprocated, squeezing tight.
“I'm sorry, ani,” he sobbed, “I-I-I just felt bad- weird all of a sudden and- and-” the rest of his words devolved into mumbles.
“Otouto, you're fine!” Leo laughed, partially at the fact that this was the first time Raph called him ani and partially trying to make Raph realize he really was not upset. “It's just the floor. We can clean it up. I'm more worried about you.” He pulled away but held onto Raph's bicep with one hand. He rubbed small circles against his arm with his thumb. Raph used his free arm to wipe his eyes.
“Now,” Leo started, “how about we watch some Crognard? You can lay on the couch all swaddled in a blanket. We'll put a bucket down in case you feel sick again. We just have to wait until Donnie finishes the serum and you'll feel a lot better!” He grinned.
Raph nodded. He opened his mouth to say something but only squeaked. His dejected eyes fell to the floor.
“Oh, you're nonverbal. That's okay! Uh, where's your phone?”
Raph walked off. Before he rounded the corner, he looked back. Leo took that as an invitation to follow, so he did. Raph led him to his room. Leo stood in the doorway while Raph searched the room. His eyes scanned over the room as he grew bored staring at his brother's hunched figure.
There were posters on the wall, some peeling away at the corners. The bed was unmade in a neat way, as if purposefully done. The overhead light was still off, but Raph had turned on some fairy lights that were strung up along the walls. They emitted a soft glow that aided the eyes but did not hurt them. On the desk sat an open notebook. To the side, there was a closed sketchbook with a pencil in the ringed spine.
While Raph was searching through his covers, Leo made his way up to the desk. He pushed the notebook aside (it was clearly a journal) and opened up the sketchbook. Only a couple pages were filled, but there were a variety of doodles inside. Some were mindless pencil strokes, others were deliberate shapes intended to make a face. Leo studied one until he realized it was his own. Underneath it were notes.
“-rounder features
-tired eyes
-anxious posture
-smaller pupils bcuz alert eyes
-always sweating “
Leo huffed at the quite insulting comments on his appearance. He was also taken aback at Raph's ability to read him to filth.
To the right of him was Donnie. Beneath her were more notes.
“-triangle shape lang?
-taller head lol
-half lidded eyes always
-no beak
-missing tooth (remember!!!)
-TALL
-glasses bcuz nerd?
-same eye shape as me”
Of course Donnie has the most notes, Leo thought, those two are practically joined at the hip sometimes. He felt Raph move to stand beside him. He skimmed over the other two faces on the page.
Mikey was next. His notes read:
“-biiig smile
-round eyes
-circle shape lang
-freckles”
There was an extra dash below as if Raph intended to write more. Finally, the last face had to be the artist himself. Leo was excited to see the four siblings together, but was disappointed upon seeing the beginning of a sketch completely covered by aggressive scribbles. The only note was:
“UHGG”
Leo turned to Raph, smiling. “You drew us?”
Raph shrugged, looking away. He nudged Leo out of the way and shut the book. He replaced the pencil in the spine and slid the book to the side, where it originally sat.
Leo's heart sank. “I'm sorry, did you not want me to see that? If it's any consolation, I think you're really good!”
Raph ignored him, shifting around things on his desk until they were back the way they were before the Leo storm ran through. When he looked at his older brother again, he simply pointed at the door. Leo nodded and led the way back to the living room.
At the edge of the hall, before the room opened up, Leo stopped. He turned around to look at Raph.
“Hey… I can see you're clearly in a different head space right now. I'm gonna take advantage of that for a second.”
Raph glanced to the side nervously. Leo took a step closer.
He quieted his voice. “Listen, April and I were talking a couple days ago. She said she was worried about you. She has heard of people with your same anger issues taking their anger out on themselves. So I have to ask:...Raph, have you ever cut yourself?”
Raph blinked a few times, then shook his head. After a few moments of silence, he leaned to look out at the living room past Leo.
“Raphael. Are you being honest? You can tell me anything.”
The terrapin pulled out his phone and typed on it for a little bit. A voice came out of the speakers once he was done.
“The only times I've hurt myself, you've seen it. Whether it was a meltdown or my own stupidity.”
Leo let out a breath. “Okay. I believe you. Just know you can tell me anything, okay, baby?” He accentuated his pet name by cupping Raph's cheeks and giving him a kiss on the forehead. Raph churred, but rubbed at the spot where he was kissed. Leo laughed, knowing it was just a sensory thing, and grabbed Raph's hand to lead him back to the couch.
Leo left his sick brother with Mikey and April. When he went to leave, Raph grabbed at his arm and pulled him back. Leo assured Raph he would be right back. With more encouragement from the map turtle and human, Raph released his grip and sat back on the couch. Leo returned some minutes later with an armful of blankets. Mikey and April shared a large crocheted one, while Leo wrapped Raph up in a thick, heavy one.
Leo slipped away again to retrieve a plastic bucket. He placed it on the floor in front of Raph. Mikey had already turned on an episode, so Leo sat next to Raph and laid a hand on his shell.
The terrapin was laying on his left side. His huge pupils focused on the T.V. He clacked his beak every once in a while, a stim he had not done since he was a child. Leo smiled at his brother’s relaxation, but his face fell quickly after.
He had not seen Raph stim at all in the past few years. The hothead would head bang and sometimes scream during meltdowns. But he never hand flapped with joy or jumped up and down in excitement like he used to. Seeing the beak clacking he was doing now, it’s clear Raph still had the urge to stim.
Since Mikey and April had been talking throughout every episode, Leo felt it was casual enough if he leaned over and talked to Raph quietly. Raph had freed his arms from the cocoon and was also hand flapping during the action scenes of Crognard.
Leo smiled and commented, “I like seeing you stim.” He felt this was a better approach than trying to have another deep chat. Raph froze in response. He covered his arms back up with the blanket. Leo’s stomach plummeted.
“Sorry,” Raph mumbled.
“What? No, don’t be sorry! I was being genuine. It makes me happy when you’re comfortable enough to stim around us. I wish you would do it more often.” Leo rubbed Raph’s shell through the fabric.
“I-…it just- you-“ He stuttered, voice wavering. Before anyone knew it, Raph was sobbing again. His hands shot out from the blanket to wipe at his face.
Leo immediately grabbed his brother and pulled him up and into his lap. April and Mikey looked over, sympathy on their faces. The leader held Raph close and shushed him.
“Oh, babes, it’s okay. You don’t have to say anything, I just wanted you to know.” He stroked the back of his brother’s head.
“Yeah, dude, Leo’s right!” Mikey sat forward to see Raph. “We don’t mind a little flapping or echolalia!” He grinned.
Raph hiccuped, “I’m so mean all the time and you guys are so ni-hi-hice!” Another cry came loose during his last word. “I just get so mad and I don’t know what to do! I’m always so angry and it makes me feel horrible-e-e.”
The other three took a second to register their shock with one another. Raph had cried twice today, both times openly in front of his family.
“We know, sweetie, we know. You have been trying so hard to do better, though. And you have been!” He nuzzled the tip of his snout against the younger turtle’s forehead.
Raph tried to say more but he just mumbled through cries. Leo pulled him in so Raph could hide in the crook of his neck. He calmed down after a short while, turning his head to continue watching the episode. His hands fidgeted with the edge of his blanket. He rubbed the seams, folded the fabric in every way possible, and stroked the directional fuzz.
After the episode had finished, the lab doors creaked open. Donnie exited through them and stretched as he walked toward the pit.
“Alright, the serum is being concentrated. It should only take a couple hours.” She said as she flopped on the couch between Leo (and Raph) and April. He turned his head to the side. “How're you feeling, Raph?”
“Bad,” the terrapin replied, looking back at Donnie.
“I can tell,” Donnie laughed, eyeing Raph sitting in Leo's lap. “Does your arm still hurt?”
Raph nodded sadly, his lip pouting. With his pupils so big, it looked like puppy dog eyes. Donnie turned back to the episode on the T.V. Raph kept his gaze locked on his sibling.
The softshell turned back to him, “Do you want something? You're gonna have to use your words,” she teased. April flicked him on the back of the head.
Raph looked down and mumbled, “Cuddle?”
“Huh? Oh, sure, c'mere.” Donnie replied casually, even though he was taken aback at such a request from Raph of all turtles.
Raph hesitated for a second before gathering his blanket and moving clumsily over to Donnie's side. He curled up next to his twin, resting his head on their chest. Donnie wrapped an arm around his back, giving him lazy shell scritches.
Leo watched the display of brotherly affection with a warm smile. His face fell when a realization came to mind.
“Do you guys think Raph always feels like this but just hides it from us?” He made individual eye contact with everyone who looked back at him. April shrugged. Mikey stroked his chin in thought. Donnie sighed and turned back to the T.V.
“I don't think so,” they said. “While I do think Raph has a problem with hiding his feelings, I don't think it's to this extreme. The venom is affecting his mind, probably making him more emotional–well, emotional in a different way.” Raph nodded against their squishy plastron. He brought up a hand to push against the squish of Donnie’s upper plastron. She silently corrected him by pushing his hand away.
Leo laid back against the couch cushions, letting his shell sink into the plushness. He let his head fall back so he was looking up at the ceiling. “I just wish he'd talk to us more.”
“He talks to me just fine,” Donnie commented, slightly smug. “Maybe it's a you problem.”
“Leo's scary,” Raph said, voice mumbly from his cheek pressing against Donnie. He somehow pulled himself even closer to his twin.
“I'm scary?” The eldest turtle sat to attention.
"Yes.”
“Dude, how?” Mikey butt in. “He's literally mother. He called you ‘sweetie’ like 20 minutes ago.”
Leo blushed slightly at the callout on his tendency to use pet names on his baby brothers.
Raph shrugged. “I don't want him to be mad at me. I'm already a terrible ninja. And I'm autistic, which doesn't help.”
“What!?” Leo blanched. “Raph, I'd never be mad at you for that! Do you really think that?” He slid over to Raph and put his hands on his shell.
“Sometimes,” the terrapin replied shyly. “I know I'm difficult. I feel bad about it.”
“Difficult?” Donnie raised a brow at him.
“You're not!” Leo insisted, “You're just sensitive, it's okay.” He began giving Raph sympathetic shell rubs. “I want you to talk to me if you feel like that, okay?”
“Okay, ani.” Raph finalized the conversation by turning his head and tucking his beak under Donnie’s chin. April took the opportunity to move to Donnie's other side and rest her head on his shoulder. She held on to his arm. Without looking, Raph tried to push her off. She laughed and shoved his arm back.
“You can't hog Donnie, jerk,” she teased as she had a playful slap fight with Raph. Mikey snickered at the sight. He took the blanket all to himself and moved to rest his head on April's lap. With the five all snuggled together, they continued their T.V. show marathon.
Raph awoke to a sharp prick in his arm. He jumped up, hissing, before he realized it was only his brothers around him. Rubbing his arm, he felt the weird floaty feeling of the venom leave his mind.
“Ow, what the hell?” He groaned as his vision cleared. Donnie was standing over him, an empty syringe in hand.
“Hey, Raph, you back with us? How do you feel?” His twin bent over to get a better look at him.
“I feel like I just got jabbed in the arm, smartass.”
“He's back,” Donnie reported back to the other two turtles.
Leo pushed the medic aside and examined his little brother.
“Are there any side effects? Do you remember what happened? Do you need anything, honey?” He rambled.
“Don't call me that,” Raph said and pushed Leo away. The memories of the last hour before he fell asleep flooded back into his mind. His face flushed with embarrassment at how he acted.
“What happened?” He feigned blissful ignorance.
“You don't remember?” Leo asked solemnly.
“I remember Mikey accidentally flinging a needle into my arm. Then I… blacked out.” He sat up and rubbed his eyes.
“I knew I shoulda taken a video!” Mikey complained from somewhere else. Raph guessed the kitchen. He closed his eyes; keeping them closed felt nice. So did rubbing them.
“Hey, if you need to move, you can.” Leo looked at him, waiting for something. He added, “By that I mean, you can stim.”
Raph stilled for a second. If he did stim right now, it would make Leo happy. On the other hand, Raph himself would feel mildly embarrassed. He did a quick scan of the feelings in his body, finding anything that would require stimming to regulate. He just felt heavy. Sitting still felt the best.
“I'm fine.” He avoided eye contact with his older brother.
“You sure?” Leo squinted his eyes and tilted his head. “When you were poisoned, you seemed really sensitive about it. Like, you felt bad for doing it. I just wanna make you know it doesn't bother us, okay?”
Raph rolled his eyes. He saw Leo furrow his brow at him. Raph thought back to hours earlier, when Leo had said he liked seeing him stim. Liked, the word choice was confusing Raph. It made him feel weird, like he was a little firework that couldn't take off. That whole thought process did get the terrapin to flap his hands slightly when Leo was turned away.
His older brother spun back around suddenly and caught Raph flapping before he could stop himself. Raph glanced up and saw Leo smiling. The slider simply turned back around without a word. Raph snarled slightly, knowing Leo did exactly what Raph wanted. And Leo knew that was what he wanted.
“I'm hungry,” Raph mentioned, moreso to stop his own spiralling train of thought.
“Ooh, I'll make you something!” Mikey squealed happily. He ran off to the kitchen.
Leo chased after him, calling, “Something light! We don't want to upset his stomach!”
Donnie turned to Raph with a smug grin. “You remember everything, don't you?”
Raph put his head in his hands. He knew anything he said would betray the truth. Donnie threw his head back with laughter. They left Raph as he tried to come up with more ways to get around talking about what happened.