Petting Ponies Perfectly (It’s Poetry)

by Jeff0_0

Summary:

Have you ever wanted to pet one of the mane six? Stupid question of course you have!

Now you can pet any of the mane six!

Chapter 1: Twilight Sparkle

“Hmmph, no wonder Lyra is so interested,” Twilight pressed her right hoof against her chin, pushing her chin into her jaw, as she looked up at you. You were sitting down in a dentist like chair, the back and headrest long and tilted further down, while your seat protruded forward in a long leg rest.

You were bathed in a warm and orange flood; a sunset poured through sets of windows; god rays and blinding beams of light pierced through the room from the left wall. The orange rays were clearly visible, as if they were translucent thin rectangles shimmering in the air, the light seemingly highlighted by small outlines of white lines. Small lumps of shadows were tiny annoyances otherwise blinded by the relaxing sunset peeking through; shadows hid behind furniture and standing devices. 

Lying across the floor with bright purple and green scales, reflecting the light and shimmering, lay a baby dragon. His head and eyes significantly bigger than the rest of his body, he had kneeled down and was busy drawing and colouring on a sheet of paper you hoped wasn’t important.

The little pony ahead of you was sitting on a tall stool, making you somewhat eye level with her, as she telekinetically held up a clipboard and pen with her purple magic “Figuring out your behaviour is quite frankly ridiculous. You have next to non-existent anti-predation features, outside of possible climbing and sprinting, but if it’s the latter, then half of your body isn’t contributing to it,” Twilight gestured to your arms.

“And if it’s the former, it’s still the same problem!” Twilight looked down at her clipboard and frantically double-checked “I just can’t figure what evolutionary niche your species is supposed to fulfil?…” Twilight paused, somewhat wincing as she suggested a hypothesis “Corpse scavengers?” she suggested.

“Woah Twi, I didn’t know you wanted to insult our guest like that,” Spike joked, looking up at the purple horse, a smirk across his face with a single razor sharp tooth resting across his dragon lips. 

“Spike,” Twilight turned down to face the lizard, half chastising and half disinterested “You know I’m just trying to cover all possibilities here,” she stated.

“Well, just ask them already!” Spike threw up his arms in annoyance before opening up his palm and counting his fingers in correlation to his following snide statements “You’ve already taken blood samples, hair samples, measured the length and the widdth of the human. Yet you haven’t just asked what he does for a living?” Spike looked back to Twilight, almost reaching up to her with his arms, in an emphasis of confusion and annoyance.

“Spike. Eyewitness testimony is the weakest form of evidence. Besides you’re a dragon, yet do you know your place in the ecosystem? Or the biology of how your fire breathing works?”

“Pfft, sure I don’t know how and why I’m able to shoot fire” He looked away, crossing his arms.

“Ha!” Twilight smiled and leaned her head down towards him.

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I am or what I do!… I eat rupees” Spike looked back to Twilight and puffed his chest up, confidently smiling.

“Oh, you certainly do…” Twilight admonished “Ultimately, I need verifiable and unambiguous data on how human beings work. That’s why I haven’t relied entirely on Lyra Hearstrings’ science; I mustn’t let myself become biased by separate theories. You must formulate your own understanding first, then cross reference with other opinions later” Twilight returned her head to look at you, or more importantly through you, as she tried understanding you.

Twilight suddenly gasped as she perked up “Oohh! How often do you feel the need to clean another animal via consumption! If you have a symbiotic relationship with an apex species, similar to small fish and sharks, it would explain how your species has survived natural selection!” she suggested.

You reluctantly scratch your head; disappointment slowly spreads across Twilight’s face, as she realises your answer before you even speak “Sorry, you’re off the mark”

“Oohh…” she sighs, with a long exhale, closing her eyes and tilting her head down to the side “But that’s fine, your posture and limbs aren’t what makes humans so special” Twilight smiled, suddenly grabbing her stool and jumping her stool upwards as she scoots towards you “Do you know what does?”

You pause for a second; the little pony’s neck stretched out way further than you anticipated they could. Twilight leaned towards you “Intelligence?” you slowly answer, careful not to anger a horse with a giraffe neck.

Twilight shrugged, pulling her neck back and lifting shoulders and arms up “I’m sure it is special in your world, but here there’s an endless list of creatures confirmed to be sapient. What else makes you stand out from other creatures, even in this world?”

You glance away, trying to think; Twilight tilts her head to the side and leans forward. The unicorn’s little smooshy face scoots over, so she’s in your view “Cars?”

Twilight rolled her eyes, as if the answer is obvious, before answering with a soft smile “Hands, hands!” she looked down to your hands and began to paw at them with her hooves “I’ve never seen paws or claws like these, so versatile and dexterous, unhindered by fur or fat”

”Hey!” Spike complained “What about mine?” he flashed his dragon claws.

Twilight smiled “Yes, Spike, your little dragon claws are very interesting… and cute”

“Wh-Hey!” Spike barked back.

“But they’re too muscular and rigid. They’re for slashing and crawling, not finesse and adaptation”

“Oh yeah! We’ll take a look at your own hoo-Wait… you think my claws are muscular?” Spike swiftly began looking down to his own claws, examining them and flexing his palms and fingers.

To your shock, she picked up your hands telekinetically, and turned her head around to observe them from all angles “They’re not rigid from bone or muscle structures; they’re not designed to carry momentum for an attack or at least pick up heavy loads. They have so many joints, move at so many angles and are so precise and wide in range and function. Your hands can rival even a unicorn’s telekinesis!”

Twilight guided your hands back down to the chair and let go “That is a phenomenal appendage! I could learn so much about humans just from that alone! Ooohh, the research potential; maybe we should start developing tools to replicate the finesse of a human’s hands!”

A smile creeps along your face, you instinctively want to cover your mouth with your hand; but the purple unicorn’s excitement over it rubs off over you, for a brief second you pull your hand away and stare at it, then you look back to Twilight.

Twilight, with a large smile, faces directly at you, inches away from your face “I know you use it to grab things, but what kinds!? What warrants such precise yet generalised control!? Is there any differences in hands as you age!? What about differences in gender!? Do females and males have different shaped hands!?” her eyes grew oversized and cutesy, beaming with light, you could see nearly every individual piece of her fur across her snout and cheeks.

Your throat clears itself with a muffled cough, your pupils growing from the pony’s cuteness “I…” Twilight hops up onto the chair and you trail off, scooting into your backrest as she looks up at you. Without realising it, you begin to smile, seeing Twilight look up at you like an excited puppy.

“I pet ponies with them”

“Huh?” Twilight tilts her head to the right and opens her mouth, her eyelids halving in confusion.

“Ew, hehe” Spike admonished, returning to colouring on some random sheet of paper.

“Hey! Don’t look at me like that! You’re like a… horse, aren’t you?” You ask Twilight.

“Hmmf” Twilight tilted her head upwards as she scoffs, her eyes closed in annoyance “A highly intelligent one” she emphasises, before looking back at you “A sapient caballus unicornis specifically, I don’t see how pettings would benefit me in anywa-“

*Boop*

You poke her short little nose with the tip of an index finger.

Twilight pauses, her eyes widening, and she stays frozen still in confusion; the little unicorn stares not at you, but through you.

“I-Well-Ah” She looked to her side, away from you, a smile forcing itself across her face “I can... There’s no point in science, if you don’t try and experiment” she had turned her head to face you.

Twilight then turned back once more and hopped over to her stool, her wings briefly fluttering and flapping; her landing nearly toppled the stool over as it rocked and twirled around briefly.

Twilight’s horn glowed, glistening purple sparkles floated in the almost liquid aura forming around it, as she telekinetically summoned a new clipboard. Her newly grabbed clipboard was empty, a blank white canvas, of which Twilight quickly wrote down her understanding of the boop you had just delivered.

“Ahem” Twilight cleared her throat and tapped the tip of her chest with a hoof before collecting herself “Considering you're the human, I suspect you’d know what is most ergonomic for petting. Simply state the name of each trick before you begin,” Twilight clearly explained, before hoarsely adding a single addendum “As you know, I need to take notes on each pet. F-For science...” her eyes glance away from you.

“Heh, of course” You smile, leaning up and reaching an arm out, your palm opened wide as you slowly reach for her “I think a head pat would be a good way to start” 

Your hand softly lands atop Twilight’s head; your fingers and palm feel the layer of her mane. Her mane is soft and well taken care of; it acts almost like a fuzzy layer of water that envelops your hand.

You press further down, and your palm soon meets the cushioned scalp of her head; it’s incomprehensibly soft, like a pillow. For a brief second, you think you could press further down and feel as the entire pony bends and contorts like a giant pillow.

And to your surprise, she is much more squishy than anticipated. You can feel the initial layer of fluffy skin pressing down, seemingly unhindered by muscle or a skull, but quickly stops and you realise you must be touching some sort of thick layer of fur. 

Twilight’s fur is so fluffy and expansive, you automatically begin rubbing her scalp backwards and forwards and it’s almost like petting clay; the way your hand can effortlessly slide across her head, your fingers and palms tickled and soothed by the copious amounts of fur, it really is like clay made of fluff.

“He, he, he” Twilight softly giggles, snapping you out of your trance.

Your eyes, not your head, look down and see her own little eyes half open. You feel her head almost gently push upwards into your own hand, furthering the almost hug-like grip you have of her scalp.

Then you can feel your fingers being parted, like a rock splitting the rush of a stream; sliding in between your middle and ring finger, Twilight’s horn divided your hand.

Her horn, soaked purple and engraved with rings like the trunk of a tree, felt almost like plastic and was very smooth from top to bottom. Not a single inch of the horn was sharp in any way, if you pulled your fingers up it, you would feel your finger’s skin briefly sliding in between the gaps of the etched rings wrapped across her horn.

You pull your hand back and push your index finger forward, aiming for the tip of her horn.

*Boop*

“Pheah-Pleah?” Twilight is taken aback, her lips unfolding and her tongue slapping around, as she was cut off in a mixture between a cough and a laugh.

”Don’t like it?” You ask.

Twilight suddenly gathered her bearings, glancing around almost in a hurry. The little unicorn grabbed her clipboard and hastily scribbled short notes, trying to write down her disembodied thoughts.

”Twi?” You ask.

”Ssh!” Twilight eyed her clipboard and leaned into it before eventually sliding it away and looking up at you “I simply was under the assumption you would do one type of petting at a time. You must inform me if you change your tactics; I have to give corresponding notes to their correct actions”

You smile “Where are my manners? That was a horn boop”

Twilight pulls up her clipboard once more and adds an addendum to her research “Very well then, now,” Twilight’s eyes stare up at you, her head facing away, “How will you continue this experiment?”

You reach a hand forward and place it underneath her chin. “A chin tickle” Your middle finger and index finger tickling and scratching her chin, your thumb perched across her little horse noozle and the rest of your palm resting against her jaw and neck.

Her snoot is not any less fuzzy; like a cylinder of fur and fabric, you tickle the little pony’s jaw, and you can immediately feel her shake from ticklish pain. Slowly your thumb begins wiping the tip of her nose, smooshing her little nostril, you can feel hot air blow out from it. Your thumb feels the same sensation as a dog’s nose, slightly more rubbery with hot air blowing out of the little nose. 

Twilight giggled as she tilted her chin up, making it easier to tickle her; your thumb slides down her snoot and presses against her chin and neck. You continue delicately brushing your fingers and thumb against the little pony’s neck; without even realising it, you begin using the rest of your hand, to support the weight of Twilight’s head, the little pony beginning to fall limp as her muscles and body relaxed.

A small chuckle, announced through the blows of air from her nose, exhaled from Twilight. The little mare opened her eyes and looked to her side; telekinetically pulling out her clipboard, she eyed the paper before looking up at you.

Twilight’s eyes were enormous, much bigger than any normal animal’s, the size of dinner plates, and her pupils matched. She was like a doll, a bright-eyed and gleaming doll.

“Ahem?” She choked, catching your attention, tilting her head back and forth towards the floating clipboard.

Your hand parts away, the horse looking over to her document, but not before quickly-

*Boop*

You poke her little noozle once more, the horse’s eyes expanding with excitement. She tries pulling her head away, covering her nose with her hooves as if to catch the boop, her eyes staring down at her nose. She hides her face in her hooves; a muffled giggle crept through her arms as she closed her eyes.

Twilight opened her eyes and then looked over to her clipboard, her arms slowly sliding down her noozle and gripping the stool she sat upon.

After writing down in her clipboard, Twilight looked over to you “Well” she straightened her back and pushes her chest forward, eyes briefly closed, tilting her head up, before relaxing her muscles and lowering her shoulders once more.

“I think we’ve found conclusive evidence of human impact on equine dopamine receptors,” she sheepishly looks away “But can I have one last pet?” she looks up at you like a dog, smiling sweetly.

Air subtly blows out of your nose as you tilt your head down and smile. You simply open up your arms into a wide and long hug; the little pony gasps in excitement before jumping across the stool and chair.

You eagerly catch the pony in your arms, squeeze her tightly; she’s like a big bean bag with fluffy fabric wrapped around. The little horse was as comfortable and soft as a giant pillow. Your nervous system fires off a tranquil wave of happiness as you cuddle the little pony. Twilight pushes her back against your belly, lying down and resting like a cat on your lap. The little pony curling up into a cute little sleeping position as she rests her head against a knee, you can feel a gozy warmth emanating from her, as a soft sense of happiness envelops you. You might have been mishearing her… but was Twilight purring?

You reach down your hand, and using your index and middle fingers, begin tickling the side of her belly. The little pony grins and slightly twitches from the tickles, pushing her back further against your belly.

A soft purple aura seems to glow from her, her cutie mark and horn illuminating themselves in a constant yet delicate glimmer.

You find yourself booping her little cheeks and snoot, occasionally stroking her neck up and down like a dog.

”Pfft” Spike’s admonishment catches both of your attention, snapping you out of the meditative hug and alerting you.

“S-Spike! This is important science about the evolutionary niches and functions of a homo sapien!”

“Heh, at least it’s nice some pony broke her egghead persona… or some-primate, I should say”

You pause for a moment as Twilight fumbles her words, trying to come up with an academic excuse “Do you ponies have monkeys in this world?” you ask.

Spike was quick to answer, “We do now”

Chapter 2: Applejack (Teaser)

Sweet Apple Acres was bathed in a shimmering ocean of orange light. The setting sun blanketed the forest in a layer of sunlight, such light then shimmered and bounced and then muffled in a layer of subtle fog and mist. The gentle touch of clouds was transparent, yet seemingly outlined and highlighted with streaks and scratches of grey cloudy lines. The soft blend of air and mist, lay in between the sky and the tips of the tree tops, vaguely blanketing the forest as it reflected and bounced warm sunlight into muffled and shimmering god rays. The obfuscated light was then broken apart and blocked by the jagged and twisted branches of trees, along with their puffy hair of leaves. Such blocked and broken light bounced and slithered in between gaps, creating a maze of spotlights and dots of orange holes stabbing into a floor of darkness, the grass was black Swiss cheese with beaming holes of light.

”Phewee” A southern tongued mare wiped her orange brow with a hoof, standing beside and facing away from an orchard tree. Applejack reached beside her and grabbed a wooden bucket, half full of apples, and trotted other to the next tree standing. However the horse caught something with her eye, turning her head to her side, she looked up and saw you.

”God fucking dammit…” You panted and waved, sweat marks staining you as you leaned against a tree. 

Applejack hung her bucket over her neck, before walking towards you “Ah, good grief partner” you hurriedly straighten your back and mask your weakness, her eye brows sliding down to their sides in a sorrowful look “You think ya can push through one more bucking? Or ah suppose grabbin in your case” Applejack ended her sentence with a smile, briefly tilting her head towards your ladder.

You reach to your side and pick up your ladder “Of course, we still have a deal” you remind her.

”Hmmf” Applejack playfully scoffed, somewhat softly chuckling in a brief exhale like act “Right, yar still goin on about that” she jested with a smile, while you leaned your ladder against an unpicked orchard tree. Applejack pulled her neck back and lowered it, sliding her bucket off and into her mouth, nearly dropping her hat in the process. With the metal handle gripped in between her teeth, her little hooves carrying her to the base of the next tree, she spoke “Igh dho hoph urr handzz arntph asph unphresent asph daytptp apeah” before dropping the bucket to the forest floor and lining up beside the tree.

”Wha-Whuh-What?” You ask, as you begin climbing your wooden ladder.

“I do hope yar hands aren’t as unpleasant as they appear” Applejack repeated “Those little things are givin me the willies” 

You reach to the closest branch, grasping the apple and plucking it off with your hand “My fingers”

*Wssh* 

*CRUNCH*

Applejack kicked her orchard tree, a rainfall of apples poured down “Why that’s correct” she nodded “I know ya got yar use for em, but they just look like little worms to me” she began collecting the fallen treats “Ahh, oh what am I sayin?” she shook her head “I can’t be talking about yar hooves like that, forgive me, I don’t know manes or tails about this human business”

”It’s fine, besides, there is one way to apologise”

”Hehe” Applejack softly chuckled “Yar adamant on this. What’s so good about pettin a pony? I ain’t no dog, haven’t ya tried Winona?”

”But you are a horse”

Applejack rolled her eyes.